Kama_S (to avoid threadjack)
- Thread starter allycat0303
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allycat0303
Ideal_Rock
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Freke, Porridge, bee*, Kama
I wish I had something really life changing to say but I don''t. When my fiance came home, he just said he was grumpy, bad day, and went to sleep. The next day he was acting normal. I tried to talk to him about it, and he wanted to forget it. I told him that he had made me feel powerless, not important, not loved, etc. He just said it was none of those things (at least not purposely) and that we were going through a hard time, and he wanted to be *happy* and forget it.
I let it go for a few days, although there was a distance between us. Then on Easter Sunday, we had supper with his immediate family (and 2 uncles which we are really close too). And everyone had a bit to drink (except me), and then everything blew up. They were talking a lot about the wedding, what I should/should not do, and then I started to get pretty antagonistic toward everyone in the family. And then we were having this discussion with FBIL and FSIL...you know, one of those conversations where you are kind of mutually venting about your couple? Except outloud, and EVERYTHING comes out?
So I just said everything I wanted to say, how annoyed I''ve been because he told me this girl was hot, how he says my sister is hot (he says he''s bolstering her confidence. PLEASE. She tells me everyday she IS HOT) I''m the one that feels like the ugly duck beside her. How messy I am. What a hypocrite he is for saying I''m messy when he''s just a LITTLE less messy. How annoyed I was that he is making decisions about the wedding. How much I watching hockey. It was like complete, public venting. Awful, embarrassing. And a little too honest.
The next day, his uncle called his mom in a total panic saying he thought we were going to break up. He had never seen us be that viscious.
And we haven''t talked about it since. There''s so much going on, that I''m spending a lot of time at home, trying to just survive. We''ll see I guess.
I wish I had something really life changing to say but I don''t. When my fiance came home, he just said he was grumpy, bad day, and went to sleep. The next day he was acting normal. I tried to talk to him about it, and he wanted to forget it. I told him that he had made me feel powerless, not important, not loved, etc. He just said it was none of those things (at least not purposely) and that we were going through a hard time, and he wanted to be *happy* and forget it.
I let it go for a few days, although there was a distance between us. Then on Easter Sunday, we had supper with his immediate family (and 2 uncles which we are really close too). And everyone had a bit to drink (except me), and then everything blew up. They were talking a lot about the wedding, what I should/should not do, and then I started to get pretty antagonistic toward everyone in the family. And then we were having this discussion with FBIL and FSIL...you know, one of those conversations where you are kind of mutually venting about your couple? Except outloud, and EVERYTHING comes out?
So I just said everything I wanted to say, how annoyed I''ve been because he told me this girl was hot, how he says my sister is hot (he says he''s bolstering her confidence. PLEASE. She tells me everyday she IS HOT) I''m the one that feels like the ugly duck beside her. How messy I am. What a hypocrite he is for saying I''m messy when he''s just a LITTLE less messy. How annoyed I was that he is making decisions about the wedding. How much I watching hockey. It was like complete, public venting. Awful, embarrassing. And a little too honest.
The next day, his uncle called his mom in a total panic saying he thought we were going to break up. He had never seen us be that viscious.
And we haven''t talked about it since. There''s so much going on, that I''m spending a lot of time at home, trying to just survive. We''ll see I guess.
lliang_chi
Ideal_Rock
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- Mar 13, 2008
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- 3,740
Ally,
Hugs to you. Sorry things are getting so hard right now. Seems like things are still swirling around in your heads. Maybe you can try to have a conversation later when everyone has calmed down.
Hugs to you. Sorry things are getting so hard right now. Seems like things are still swirling around in your heads. Maybe you can try to have a conversation later when everyone has calmed down.
allycat0303
Ideal_Rock
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- Nov 19, 2004
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Meh. I think I have a lot of *pent-up anger and resentement* and from the conversation, apparently so does he. I really should have restrained myself though. It was WAY too much honesty in front of the in-laws, I''m not looking forward to seeing them again. But truthfully, he was a little too honest too. I don''t know if it''s frustration, anger, stress. All I do know is that I feel like the slightest thing could really set me off. Better that we stay away from each other from now before we both say things that are unforgivable.
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- Jul 12, 2008
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Ally, so nice to hear from you. I''ve been thinking about you a lot. You hit the nail on the head, it is a lot of resentment on both sides, combined with stress and losing a family member...it''s just a bit too much for both of you right now.
What do you think of staying with other family or a friend for a few weeks? I think taking a break from each other at this point would be advisable, before things spiral downwards even more.
What do you think of staying with other family or a friend for a few weeks? I think taking a break from each other at this point would be advisable, before things spiral downwards even more.
AmberGretchen
Ideal_Rock
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- Jan 6, 2005
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- 7,770
Ally - I''m so sorry that things are so rough for you guys at the moment. I''m sending lots of good thoughts your way and HG''s way that you two can start reconciling and healing and helping to support each other in this difficult time. It sounds incredibly difficult and stressful, and I''m so sorry you are going through all of this.
FrekeChild
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Dec 14, 2007
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- 19,456
(((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))))
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I hope the venting session the two of you had let off a little steam and didn''t do too much damage. At the same time, I hear your pain Ally. I want to send big hugs and support your way.
I was once in a situation something like yours and it drove me to cancel a fully planned and paid for wedding. I just wasn''t happy and there was too much doubt. Sure, the wedding made me happy and the idea of what could be kept me going, but in the end, the life that I was actually living was not something I could see myself doing forever. Ally, it was one of the most difficult things I''ve ever had to do, but in the end it was the best thing I could have done. Everyone supported my decision and told me they were proud of me, which was surprising because I was expecting anger and shame.
I didn''t do it alone though. I had a very wise therapist. Her words were, "You don''t marry someone with this kind of unhappiness and doubt. Divorce is much more difficult than cancelling a wedding."
Now, I hope that I''m not hurting you buy telling you this. I believe very much that your life is yours to live, but I also believe that you are entitled to joy. This is a difficult time for both of you and if it is just that, you will know. If there is more to it and you have nagging doubts that you aren''t going to be happy and cherished in your life with him or you will always be hoping that he will be some other kind of man than what he is, right now in front of you, then maybe you should seek your own joy. Life is too short to be living with someone who is going to be continually opening old wounds.
We are all here for you.
I was once in a situation something like yours and it drove me to cancel a fully planned and paid for wedding. I just wasn''t happy and there was too much doubt. Sure, the wedding made me happy and the idea of what could be kept me going, but in the end, the life that I was actually living was not something I could see myself doing forever. Ally, it was one of the most difficult things I''ve ever had to do, but in the end it was the best thing I could have done. Everyone supported my decision and told me they were proud of me, which was surprising because I was expecting anger and shame.
I didn''t do it alone though. I had a very wise therapist. Her words were, "You don''t marry someone with this kind of unhappiness and doubt. Divorce is much more difficult than cancelling a wedding."
Now, I hope that I''m not hurting you buy telling you this. I believe very much that your life is yours to live, but I also believe that you are entitled to joy. This is a difficult time for both of you and if it is just that, you will know. If there is more to it and you have nagging doubts that you aren''t going to be happy and cherished in your life with him or you will always be hoping that he will be some other kind of man than what he is, right now in front of you, then maybe you should seek your own joy. Life is too short to be living with someone who is going to be continually opening old wounds.
We are all here for you.
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