Kama_S (to avoid threadjack)

[fieryred33143]

I wanted to give you a little suggestion Ally. I think you should try to push it until you feel emotionally ready to go through with the wedding but if that doesn''t happen or can''t happen then how about suggesting to your MIL/SIL that pins be given to the wedding guests? There are cancer pins that come in a specific color depending on the type of cancer. A lot of places sell these pins and the money is donated to the cancer soceity. I like this idea a lot because it helps out an important cause and it is also a really subtle and sweet way of honoring a deceased relative.

Anyway, below are some sites. There are pins that you can personalize with his name or you can just order regular pins. I know it doesn''t exactly provide you with the best suggestion for your situation but I thought I''d pass along the info for your consideration:

http://www.personalizedcause.com/shop/collections/personalized/index.html
http://choosehope.com/default.jsp

Also, the American Cancer Society sells scrolls as wedding favors:

https://secure3.convio.net/tacs/site/SPageServer?pagename=C_NE_07WeddingFavors_Samples_thumbnails

 

[lliang_chi]

Ally everyone here has been giving you very good advice. I know you''re feeling low on yourself but I REALLY think you need to listen to what all these smart ladies are telling you. You and your FI are in desperate need of a discussion. I''m NOT say you guys are in trouble. I am saying you guys are both hurting and need to talk. Please, please, please stay positive.

And I agree with Nugget, you need to talk to your mom & grandma and explain to them all this wake-craziness. And that you need them to be on your side, just for YOUR benefit. You''re going to be taking on your entire in law family and probably your FI, since everything is still so raw for them. You''re gonna need all the help you can get.

 

[allycat0303]

Freke: Well we''re all attributing this to mourning, but honestly, the memorial stuff didn''t initially bother me much you know? It didn''t get me excited to plan the wedding, but we agree there''s a lot of factors buried in there that makes me un enthusiastic. It was more the way he was acting last night. Like I no longer had a choice. The touches you put in your wedding were beautiful, and I know that your mom would have been thrilled for you (and she has excellent taste with the dress, which is fabulous).

Deco: Well I think that people change. They can change at any moment, and are more likely to do so under traumatic, or times of extreme stress. Maybe he''s decided that he wants a more *traditional wife* like his mom. You know, stay-home, homemaker, obedient. We''ve been raised with very different values. He''s made comments in the past, that I don''t clean enough, or cook. I get the sense that he thinks those are *women''s duties*. He does the landry and such without comment though, so I always thought it was griping. Also when his Dad passed away, we both kind of saw how important children are, and I decided that I wanted some. But like anything else, the feeling waned after a few weeks. But when I didn''t get into residency people started saying things like, "Oh have a baby". Let me put this clear, I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready. On Saturday he made a comment to the effect "Oh let''s try." And it was awkward because I got the sense he was serious. And I had a mental freakout, because I REALLY REALLY can''t right now. I need to figure out what is residency first. Maybe he''s reevaluating this, or feeling trapped. I can''t say.

He came home this afternoon, was pretty distant. Barely spoke to me, and called me Ally, which is a bad sign. I didn''t feel in a position to ask any questions. He decided to go play hockey tonight, so I''m not going to be seeing him at all. One wonders if he just can''t stand being near me.

Fiery, littlemissbliss, musey: I feel bad that I mentioned the whole wedidng stuff. I''m being bridzilla. Honestly, I don''t mind that much. I understand that it''s important to them. And I won''t wear a black bow, it was just an awkward moment when I refused. I think maybe they want the wedding to be about him because they would feel guilty celebrating, which is ok. I can deal with it.

Liang_chi: I know we have to talk. I absolutely agree, I''m just waiting for the sense that he''s marginally receptive. And he left for tonight, so it will have to go to tomorrow. I know you don''t want to say that we are in trouble, but I do get the sense that we are in trouble. Thank you.

Ebree: I know what you are saying, of course. But fiance wants all of this too so I can''t tell him no. This is definitely his day as much as mine. Actually from conversation last night, I think it''s even more his then mine

So we''ll see how this all plays out.

Choro: Yes. Mourning period for 1 year. Then no one gets confused with mourning and life. I think it would have been much simpler.

Nugget: I''m sorry to hear about your grandfather, but happy you were able to make peace with all of it.

 

[meresal]

Ally- How does what he is doing to you right now, make you feel? Is he usually affecionate with you (ie, kisses when he walks in)... what did he do today?

To be honest, from what you are telling us, you yelled, he yelled... and he is treating you like you spat on his dad's grave. He is telling you to do things, not asking, and Hell, you were scared to go to bed because you hadn't fixed the computer. That isn't ok!! Relationships are about keeping eachother happy equally. Yes, his father died, but that doesn't give him the right to use you as a punching bag. If his demeanor has changed and you are vocal to him about it, then he should be willing to go to therapy to try and level or work out his emotions. He is being very selfish by using you as his release, and refusing to talk about things with you.

If you are worried about whether or not this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you need to talk with someone in your family that will actually listen to you. You mentioned that he called you Ally, is that something he does when he distances himself? If he is truely upsetting you, then I would try to talk to him one more time, and if he won't listen, then I would go to your mom and tell her how you feel. Would he be open to going to therapy with or without you? (To be honest it sound like the entire family was caught very off guard and could probably use a bit of it)

I don't know her personally, but I would like to think that your mom's comment was only based on the fact that you were talking about moving it... not about your second thoughts of the marriage. Personally, I'd like to think that any parent would tell their child that it is never too late to walk away from a relationship if it doesn't make you happy anymore. Do you think she is capable of just lsitening to you and not focusing on the money?

Ally, I'm so sorry all of this has/is happened/ing. I wish I had an answer or could just give you a hug.

 

[Gypsy]

I read this post with no surprise. Only sadness. Ally, this isn't new. This isn't a phase. It's not something that happened overnight. I've followed your posts for years. WAY before his dad passed. This is an exageration of what's always been lurking in his behavior from your posts. This is HIM. He's never treated you right. Sure, for short spurts like when you were IN A COMMA, but underneath it all this IS his personality, or at least a strong facet of it. He's completely disregarded your feelings before, made unreasonable demands, given you verbal backhanded smacks this ENTIRE TIME that you have posted about him he has shown hints of not respecting you, of being emotionally abusive.

If you want I will do what Freke did for ChocolateFudge on LIW, and copy and paste and link you to your own posts to prove it to you. But I think in your heart, you know this. And are just afraid to face it.

 

[kama_s]

Oh gosh, his behavior is so much worse that I initially thought it was. I dont know if it''s just his family attitudes that are finally coming out (women are homemakers, making you feel bad for not getting into residency etc) or if it''s just his way of grieving. It''s been less than 2 months since the death...so it could still be grief. Regardless, his behavior is making you walk on egg shells, and you''re obviously unhappy. It''s not healthy.

Have you guys thought of grief counseling? I dont know what the options are in mtl, Toronto definitely has a lot more services.

Ugh, I feel so crappy for you Ally. I wish I could VIA right there and give you a big fat hug.

 

[lliang_chi]

Ally, I dunno if I''d wait for him to be more receptive. You''re a person and have every right to be listened to as well. I don''t know all your history but I definitely think you guys need some guidance in reaching a solution. These are all some pretty heavy stuff going on, I think it''s best to speak to someone trained so he/she can help you to a resolution.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/8/2009 7:11:21 PM
Author: allycat0303
Freke: Well we''re all attributing this to mourning, but honestly, the memorial stuff didn''t initially bother me much you know? It didn''t get me excited to plan the wedding, but we agree there''s a lot of factors buried in there that makes me un enthusiastic. It was more the way he was acting last night. Like I no longer had a choice. The touches you put in your wedding were beautiful, and I know that your mom would have been thrilled for you (and she has excellent taste with the dress, which is fabulous).


Deco: Well I think that people change. They can change at any moment, and are more likely to do so under traumatic, or times of extreme stress. Maybe he''s decided that he wants a more *traditional wife* like his mom. You know, stay-home, homemaker, obedient. We''ve been raised with very different values. He''s made comments in the past, that I don''t clean enough, or cook. I get the sense that he thinks those are *women''s duties*. He does the landry and such without comment though, so I always thought it was griping. Also when his Dad passed away, we both kind of saw how important children are, and I decided that I wanted some. But like anything else, the feeling waned after a few weeks. But when I didn''t get into residency people started saying things like, ''Oh have a baby''. Let me put this clear, I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready. On Saturday he made a comment to the effect ''Oh let''s try.'' And it was awkward because I got the sense he was serious. And I had a mental freakout, because I REALLY REALLY can''t right now. I need to figure out what is residency first. Maybe he''s reevaluating this, or feeling trapped. I can''t say.


He came home this afternoon, was pretty distant. Barely spoke to me, and called me Ally, which is a bad sign. I didn''t feel in a position to ask any questions. He decided to go play hockey tonight, so I''m not going to be seeing him at all. One wonders if he just can''t stand being near me.


Fiery, littlemissbliss, musey: I feel bad that I mentioned the whole wedidng stuff. I''m being bridzilla. Honestly, I don''t mind that much. I understand that it''s important to them. And I won''t wear a black bow, it was just an awkward moment when I refused. I think maybe they want the wedding to be about him because they would feel guilty celebrating, which is ok. I can deal with it.


Liang_chi: I know we have to talk. I absolutely agree, I''m just waiting for the sense that he''s marginally receptive. And he left for tonight, so it will have to go to tomorrow. I know you don''t want to say that we are in trouble, but I do get the sense that we are in trouble. Thank you.


Ebree: I know what you are saying, of course. But fiance wants all of this too so I can''t tell him no. This is definitely his day as much as mine. Actually from conversation last night, I think it''s even more his then mine

So we''ll see how this all plays out.


Choro: Yes. Mourning period for 1 year. Then no one gets confused with mourning and life. I think it would have been much simpler.


Nugget: I''m sorry to hear about your grandfather, but happy you were able to make peace with all of it.

Ally, I''m so sorry about all that''s happened to you this year (hugs)! Please think of yourself, and our own happiness. *You are NOT a bridezilla just because you don''t want your wedding to be a wake for FIL.* It''s so sad that after all you''ve been through, putting everyone''s feelings before your own, and ending up hurt as a result, your FI is putting you in that situation again.

From what you''ve told us about your FI''s behavior, I would not be thinking about the wedding at this point. You are *afraid* of your FI, and that is not normal, no matter what happens. Get into counseling ASAP, and don''t get married until your feelings are sorted out. $4000 is nothing compared to a lifetime of being someone''s doormat.

Once everything is sorted (and it will get sorted one way or another), and if you still want to marry your FI, elope. I hope I''m not overstepping here, but it seems that wedding planning is bringing out the worst in those you love, including your FI. I don''t see how you can enjoy your wedding this way, and in the end you will have spent a bunch of money, and gotten no pleasure out of it at all.

You''re paying for the wedding yourself, so I don''t see why you would need anyone''s permission to postpone or cancel it, if you see fit.

 

[LostSapphire]

Ally:

I''ve been following your threads closely this past few months, as you and I were both involved in some extreme medical situations. What I feel when I read your posts is that there is SO MUCH going on. And I also get the sense that you are still not finished processing your health scare. Add to that the residency stuff, and the wedding stuff...geez, it would make me want to run away from home.

It''s not my place to give you advice, others here do that so much better than I do. I can only say that I am only 10 weeks post-op (and I believe you were in hosp less than a month than I was). I still have problems making decisions at the grocery store. For some reason, a lot of this stuff is just that, STUFF to me....it''s like I don''t care.

You had a thread talking about things happening for a reason. My theory on that is that God isn''t up there with a list of names on a clipboard: it''s just that sh*t happens.

BUT IT TAKES TIME TO PROCESS THE SH*T too.

You need some time. There has been so much lately. Can you get yourself off the island somehow? Buy yourself some time. In other words, can you check out of some of this stuff?

It''s all just so overwhelming. I sense it in your posts. And feel it myself. So some days I just run away. It''s helping but I''m still not ready to stay on the island 100% yet. And I think you and I are kind of in the same spot, if I dare to presume....

LS

 

[allycat0303]

Meresal: Maybe he does feel like I spat on his Dad's grave because I'm not really fulfilling my promises to his Dad. Maybe it stems from all that. My mind is running rampant right now, overanalyzing. He ALWAYS calls me Ally when he's distancing himself. And I do think it's some sort of passive-aggresive thing because he said it like 4 times tonight, which is overemphasizing you know? He's usually very, very affectionate. As for my mom, she does not have my best intrest at heart. She loves me, but not in the way that a mother should love her daughter. I think I've finally learnt to accept the relationship for what it is, instead of what I wished it to be. So I don't talk to her about much.

Blah. I'm pulling way too much stuff up in my mind, and looking at every little thing that happened in the last week, and extrapolating. I need to stop or I'm going to make myself crazy. My friend told me to go home, she had the sense that I was really anxious over what happened last night, and didn't think it was good to stay at our house.

Kama: I don't know if it's family attitude coming out. I've always kind of suspected it. I mean their family is VERY traditional. Old Quebec mentality. His mom adored his father, but there were flaws in the relationship. After he passed, she told me that he made her feel guilty because she hadn't had an outside job. Consequently, she never felt like she could ask him for things. It was unequal in many respects, and he always had all of the power. She didn't have any ambitions other then to raise her children, have a beautiful house, and keep her husband happy. But they had a happy marriage. One of the happiest I know. My fiance has always been supportive of my career, but I always got the sense that he put *too much emphasis on it* like it was wrapped up in why he loved me. I talked to my sister, and she said "no that wasn't the case" she believes I'm projecting because I feel horrible about what happened" BUT she isn't in my relationship. And I know for a fact that I felt that before this residency disaster. She doesn't seem worried at all, she says he's just being moody, and I don't handle it well because I'm sensitive. I am not convinced it's grief. I've seen him in grief. He cries. He needs lots and lots of affection. And he needs reassurance that I'm not going to die on him. That's what happened in the hours/minutes/days after his Dad passed. And he was in the room for the final breath...so I saw the real grief.

Gypsy: I do agree that he doesn't always respect me. I would say that he generally respects me, some aspects yes, and some no. I actually read this book a few years ago "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" It was enlightening to say the least. In any case, it makes the point that you don't necessarily respect everything about your partner, but there needs to be *a general basis of respect.* And he does sometimes disregard how I feel. Not all the time, but it's happened. I have honestly, always looked at it as being "part of relationships" I don't believe that ANY relationship is perfect. I think you work, you compromise, you accept things, and you stand your ground on others. You say things that are hurtful. That's how I always felt. But last night, he crossed a line. We've been together for 13 years, so will I leave him because of this? Well probably not if he explains to me what's going on and I think it's valid. I am committed to him, when I agreed to marry him, that's what it meant to me. That I could put up with some poop along the way. Obviously, I'm not going to last a whole week like yesturday, I was freaking out already. I can handle gripes (let's be honest, I'm messy), but I can't live with that kind of anxiety.

LostSapphire: I didn't know you were feeling that way. For me, I was a bit more irritable post-op. I got really mean. I can't seperate what is causing what. It seems as though everything rolled into a snowball and is coming at me fast. I have my licensing exam in 1 month, so I can't leave the island. I paid 1200$ to take it so I HAVE to take it. And I HAVE to pass. I didn't have time to think about being sick because right after his Dad passed away, then I interviewed for residency which was horrible. Then I didn't get in which was awful. A week later i had to reapply, and then the wait was agonizing, and then my grandfather. Normally, only one of those events would have broken me, and now it's like everything at once. Could that have made me more anxious then usual last night? I don't know. It's all wrapped up in one another. I don't know what to handle first, and the wedding, I couldn't care LESS. Maybe that's offensive to my fiance and his family. But I don't want to address invitations. It just makes me mad that I have to deal with invitations when my life is falling apart. And I don't want a list of things to do when I can barely get up in the morning. I don't know how you did it all these months. At least I knew what it was, what they were going to do. You had to live with uncertainty for so long. There is nothing that gets to me more then the unknown. Ugh. I'm so mad at myself. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't hit my head harder then they think.

Brooklyn: My fiance is paying for it, so I can cancel it if I want to. Even if my parents were paying, I would cancel it if I was absolutely sure. But if I do, I'd better be sure that I'm ready to give up this relationship forever, because he would never forgive me.

 

[Blair138]

Ally-

I have no other advice because what I think has already been said. To repeat, it sounds like your FI is a different person, grief does weird things, but it doesn''t sound like he is going to snap out of it.

I know this is a difficult time, but try and find the strength to do what is right for you.

(((HUGS)))

Please keep us in the loop.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ally, I''ve been following your wedding-to-be story for some time now. It just pains me to hear that once again there are major stumbling blocks in your path, and that you''re having to face this with virtually no allies. Your FI and FMIL are being ridiculously unreasonable in attempt to turn your wedding into a memorial for your FIL. I hope that some day they''ll be able to see that, but that won''t help you right now.

Is there any way you can just remove yourself from the situation for a day or two? Stay with a friend, maybe, or even hole up in a hotel or B&B so you don''t have to deal with anyone else''s expectations and judgements, and can process your own feelings and consider your options? Or, to study for that cert exam, if that''s what you need to do, without having to deal with this rift between you and your FI. I know that sounds like running away, but I think it might be a healthy kind of running away.

((((hugs!)))))

 

[violet3]

Alli, i read this thread earlier today and had to go away for the remainder of the day....now i am back and i read all the replies to your heartbreaking thread, and i am at a loss for words....i would reach out and hug you big time if i was anywhere near you!

The only words i have are from my own experience - I don't want to tell you what to do, because only you know your relationship. But i'll tell you my story and you can take it for whatever it's worth to you.

i once had a relationship with a man who disrespected me quite a bit- talked to me a little meanly, told me what to do etc. It didn't start that way, but that's how it became. As a result, I became afraid to confront him, or to set him off, so to speak. i was afraid of pushing him away because i really loved him. So, i tried harder and harder to make him happy and i generally never confronted him to ask for the respect i deserved. The direct result of this: the less i stood up for myself, the more and more he LOST the respect he had for me until it was over...and hell, i certainly lost respect for myself in the meantime.

What i learned was that standing up for myself wouldn't have MADE him leave me...he would have left anyway, or standing up for myself might have even made him stay. Who knows...and i certainly am glad he didn't stay. BUT, it took me a really long time to understand that standing up for what i need and deserve certainly wouldn't be the CAUSE of someone leaving me.

If my situation doesn't apply to you, please just disregard my entire post - i just heard a little of the "old" me in your posts and i hurt for you a lot. sending you lots of hugs, dear.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 4/8/2009 9:23:08 PM
Author: allycat0303

LostSapphire: I didn't know you were feeling that way. For me, I was a bit more irritable post-op. I got really mean. I can't seperate what is causing what. It seems as though everything rolled into a snowball and is coming at me fast. I have my licensing exam in 1 month, so I can't leave the island. I paid 1200$ to take it so I HAVE to take it. And I HAVE to pass. I didn't have time to think about being sick because right after his Dad passed away, then I interviewed for residency which was horrible. Then I didn't get in which was awful. A week later i had to reapply, and then the wait was agonizing, and then my grandfather. Normally, only one of those events would have broken me, and now it's like everything at once. Could that have made me more anxious then usual last night? I don't know. It's all wrapped up in one another. I don't know what to handle first, and the wedding, I couldn't care LESS. Maybe that's offensive to my fiance and his family. But I don't want to address invitations. It just makes me mad that I have to deal with invitations when my life is falling apart. And I don't want a list of things to do when I can barely get up in the morning. I don't know how you did it all these months. At least I knew what it was, what they were going to do. You had to live with uncertainty for so long. There is nothing that gets to me more then the unknown. Ugh. I'm so mad at myself. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't hit my head harder then they think.

Hey Ally

I didn't get mean, but I got really depressed because I didn't feel like I got an immediate 'miracle' which was what I wanted. And it P*SSED me off (*dammit* *stamps foot*). But it taught me a lot about the processes we go through following Big Brain Stuff.

Here's the thing: you had a traumatic medical emergency. Head injury (believe me, I get it!). And even though you 'look fine' to everybody, you are still healing. And since then, you've got so much other stuff on your plate. The licencing exam is really important. But you've also got so much other stuff PILED ON. So what would have been a joyous time pre-wedding, is now horrible, stressful, and totally not fun. AND I haven't even commented on how people are imposing their idea of grief on you and your wedding.

You say everything is rolled into a ball. Of course that's what it feels like: your brain is overstimulated. This will not aid in your healing process. It's only been a few months: you're still in the middle of it. So something's gotta give. Are you going to push full steam ahead, or, can you pick and choose the really important stuff. And somehow negotiate a 'time out' for the rest?

Otherwise, what good are you going to be to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. By that, I mean the head injury has to be acknowledged as a factor in all of this. Not that you are busted or anything (though I feel that way sometimes myself). But that you need to get 100% on your game. And deal with your exam.

The whole 'wake/wedding' thing is like a piling on IMHO. Can you step away or step back for a bit and try and catch a breath?

I always stop myself from giving advice on this forum, because I feel everyone does it so much better than I can articulate. But on this, I feel such a need to speak up. The head thing wasn't a bunion on your foot. It takes as long as it takes. And you have to stop the merry-go-round sometimes and get off in order to move past it.

LS

 

[House Cat]

Alleycat,

I just wish I could give you a big hug right now. This isn''t an easy situation at all.

You know what I think about your fiance''s behavior? I think he''s right in the middle of the deepest part of his grief. His father died only a few months ago. I would think this is right when the grief would peak. I know that you hoped it would probably be tapering off by now, but grieving is different for all and grieving a parent can become complicated. I also think that because you''re the person who is closest to him and spends the most time with him, you are getting the brunt of it. What I am saying is, I don''t think this is the new him. I don''t think this is him, always. I don''t think he is thinking any of the things that you are spinning about. I think he is in deep pain right now and he doesn''t know how to deal with it..period.

I''m not going to judge what is right or what is wrong when it comes to your relationship. I think that is private and you have your own personal limits. Couples that have been together as long as the two of you, have been through it all. This is just another one of those things and it is a learning experience. You''ll get through this and you''ll be strengthened by this, I''m sure.

I don''t really know what to suggest for your relationship, except that you need to try and communicate with him. Recognize his grief and ask him what he needs.

I really like Kama''s suggestions for allowing the family to have a celebration before the wedding in honor of FI''s father. I think it would allow the family to get it all out of their system and maybe get them to the point to where they might feel like celebrating.

Oh and I don''t think that any of the bridal party should be wearing black!

Take care of you...

 

[Gypsy]

Ally, I was in a relationship I thought was like that as well -- too good to leave too bad to stay for years. And when I left, it was really hard. One day I was shopping with a friend and mentioned that I missed him. And he looked at me and said, "why?" And I started in on how there was history there, and years together and time. And he looked at me and said:

"Your Ex was a cancer. It wasn't painful daily, but it was with you for YEARS, and it was slowly eating away at you, destroying your future, and would have evenutally killed you, maybe not physically but you, Layla, would have been dead. And you cut it out and it's gone for good. How many cancer survivors MISS their disease, even if they have a history with it, spent years with it? None. That's how you should feel about getting rid of your ex. Don't even think about letting cancer back in your life Layla, when you finally found the strength to recognize it for what it was, and got rid of it."


And you know what? He was right. And you know what else? It wasn't 'too good to leave, too bad to leave." It was bad enough to leave. Period. But I didn't have that perspective then. And it did take a while, even after I left to get it.

I've been with John for ten years. It's not the length of time we're together and it's not the history that keeps me with him. He is my partner, the other half of me, and there is so much trust and so much respect and friendship and yes, love. After ten years, we are stonger and more respectful and more trusting. And when I lost his grandfather I was heartbroken. But you know, he realized I'd lost someone too, and it brought us closer together. I KNOW what marriage is Ally. If you need a book to talk you into staying, to justify the abuse (cause that's what it is), then you are just making excuses and ALLOWING this cancer to continue poisoning your life.

I hope one day you find the strength to break free. And that you haven't let him bully you into children that will bind you to him till the end of time when you wake up and realize you have to leave.

 

[mrscushion]

Ally, the ladies have given you some good advice in this thread. All I can say is that you are going through an awful lot of sh** right now and I am so sorry for the tremendous amount of pressure you are under from all sides. Sending you big, big *HUGS.*

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally,
I hope you find your voice. Do what is right for you. You have been through sooo much. I''d hate for you to be pushed into something you don''t want, or that isn''t right for you. Take time to take stock of your life. I wish you only the best and am very fond of you. I have always followed your threads with great interest and respect. HUGS. xxxx Lisa

 

[honey22]

Ally sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening for you right now. It''s such a difficult situation I am sure.

I would say that you need to put a halt to all of the weddings plans RIGHT AWAY and calmy explain to your FI that you won''t be doing any more planning until you both sit down and sort out your feelings. He and his family are being totally unfair about the whole wedding, and really where does he get off treating you like this. This is your wedding too.

Sadly, it may take you cancelling the whole thing for him to sit down and really think about what he wants, and how to treat you better sweetie. After everything you have both gone through, you deserve better than this.

 

[laine]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:49:29 PM
Author: House Cat
You know what I think about your fiance's behavior? I think he's right in the middle of the deepest part of his grief. His father died only a few months ago. I would think this is right when the grief would peak. I know that you hoped it would probably be tapering off by now, but grieving is different for all and grieving a parent can become complicated. I also think that because you're the person who is closest to him and spends the most time with him, you are getting the brunt of it. What I am saying is, I don't think this is the new him. I don't think this is him, always. I don't think he is thinking any of the things that you are spinning about. I think he is in deep pain right now and he doesn't know how to deal with it..period.

The problem is, this isn't just grief. He has acted like this before--maybe not exactly the same, grief is likely making it worse--but some of this is him, the grief is just letting it show, not creating something new.


Ally--I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been following your story for years--you've always impressed me as a strong, amazing woman.

I second everything that Gypsy has said. I too had one of those "too good to leave, too bad to stay" relationships (6 years). Had I not moved away to go to school, I wonder if it would have ever ended--it was really hard. I hated hurting him, but with a few years of perspective, I can see it was clearly the right choice. Your comment about being on unequal footing because you didn't get the residency really struck a chord with me. We were also on unequal footing towards the end of our relationship, he felt he had the upper hand and would tell me what to do. That was very upsetting to me--essentially a deal breaker as I will not accept that sort of treatment, and I don't think he would have changed. Though, I feel much stronger about this in hindsight then I did at the time--at the time, I blamed myself.

Please take a long hard look at your relationship. Look at today and the future, not the past you've had. Those years are sunk costs and they should not be the basis of your decision for the future--don't throw good years after bad--it won't change the years you've already invested. If you met him and started dating him now, today, without 13 years of history, would you still want to marry him? Unless you can honestly say that yes, without a shadow of a doubt, you would, then I don't think you should. Leaving is hard and scary, but staying when you aren't happy is worse.


ETA: Ally, I hope you don't think I'm out of line for posting this. I'm more of a lurker, so I'm sure I seem like a stranger, but having read your posts for years, I sort of feel like I know you, and I'm really worried about you!

 

[NuggetBrain]

I just want to come over there, give him a smack on the back of the head and you a big hug.

 

[decodelighted]

I really wanted to say almost everything Gypsy & Laine have said ... but didn''t know how. I know you''re already going through such a difficult time right now that I''m hesitant to pour fuel on a wildfire. As tough as things are, I believe in you. Please don''t make the same mistake your sister did. Going through the motions because its "what''s next" despite many red flags only to be divorcing after less than a year.

I just get this mental picture of you being dragged down the aisle like a rag doll in w/your black ribbon & bruised heart & powerless future and I want to scream NO!!!!!!!

At the VERY least ... take a giant step back. Get out of town. Get some clarity. Get back in touch with the Ally that is underneath all the achievements & smarts & partner in a long-term relationship. Figure out if this is what you want or if you''re just on a runaway train.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/9/2009 9:12:24 AM
Author: decodelighted
I really wanted to say almost everything Gypsy & Laine have said ... but didn''t know how. I know you''re already going through such a difficult time right now that I''m hesitant to pour fuel on a wildfire. As tough as things are, I believe in you. Please don''t make the same mistake your sister did. Going through the motions because its ''what''s next'' despite many red flags only to be divorcing after less than a year.

I just get this mental picture of you being dragged down the aisle like a rag doll in w/your black ribbon & bruised heart & powerless future and I want to scream NO!!!!!!!

At the VERY least ... take a giant step back. Get out of town. Get some clarity. Get back in touch with the Ally that is underneath all the achievements & smarts & partner in a long-term relationship. Figure out if this is what you want or if you''re just on a runaway train.

I ditto this too. Deco always gives great advice.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 4/9/2009 9:25:48 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 4/9/2009 9:12:24 AM
Author: decodelighted
I really wanted to say almost everything Gypsy & Laine have said ... but didn''t know how. I know you''re already going through such a difficult time right now that I''m hesitant to pour fuel on a wildfire. As tough as things are, I believe in you. Please don''t make the same mistake your sister did. Going through the motions because its ''what''s next'' despite many red flags only to be divorcing after less than a year.

I just get this mental picture of you being dragged down the aisle like a rag doll in w/your black ribbon & bruised heart & powerless future and I want to scream NO!!!!!!!

At the VERY least ... take a giant step back. Get out of town. Get some clarity. Get back in touch with the Ally that is underneath all the achievements & smarts & partner in a long-term relationship. Figure out if this is what you want or if you''re just on a runaway train.

I ditto this too. Deco always gives great advice.

I thritto this. Ally, so many of us care very much for you. You are a wonderful lady with a great future ahead of you where you will make a difference to many. I don''t have any great advice except to agree with Deco - you take care of YOU.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Allycat...I read your posting last night, but I felt at the time that my views might be a little harsh, so I kept them to myself. However, I revisited your thread this morning and saw some of what you're gone on to post, and I want to weigh in...

Ally, your wedding should not become a second memorial service, and you shouldn't feel badly for wanting your special day to be a happy and joyful . It should be a complete celebration of you and your FI, you're love, happiness and bright future. I understand that his family is mourning...but I strongly believe there is a time and place for everything, and your wedding or bridal shower isn't an appropriate venue for grieving. If they feel like this year should his year then I firmly believe that putting the wedding off until they feel like they feel more like focusing on just the pure happiness of the wedding.

Please believe that I'm not trying to say there should be absolutely no mention of your FI's fathers passing...I can completely 110% go along with the picture, and candle and even the small ribbon...but, wearing black to your bridal shower? Heck no. And you shouldn't be made to feel guilty over not wanting to mourning at your own wedding, or shower.

I would hate to see you put all this time, money and energy into planning a wedding...and look back and feel like it was just a second memorial service. I think your feelings are completely justified, and as much as I would hate to think that you'd postpone marrying your FI...I'd hate to think that you felt tied down by your wedding, and it wasn't your dream.

And, to just ditto/thritto so much that has been said before...Ally, sometimes with brides or grooms they focus so much on the party and the day and the dress and the ring, and they forget to go deeper and to really, really see that a marriage isn't a party...it's a life long commitment (best case senario) and it sounds like your FI is very much there.
I wish that you would take some time to decide what you really want for Ally. What are you're goals, dreams and hopes? Does this man, and will this marriage help you achieve them? Or will you continually feel like you're a 2nd class citizen in your own home, that your feelings are worthless, and that you come after everyone else? You're not happyright now...I read all your posts, and you're just not happy. And I hope for you nothing more than the ability to create that happiness for yourself...I'm hopeful you will.

Big hugs and lots of support.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 4/9/2009 9:36:13 AM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 4/9/2009 9:25:48 AM

Author: fieryred33143

Date: 4/9/2009 9:12:24 AM

Author: decodelighted

I really wanted to say almost everything Gypsy & Laine have said ... but didn''t know how. I know you''re already going through such a difficult time right now that I''m hesitant to pour fuel on a wildfire. As tough as things are, I believe in you. Please don''t make the same mistake your sister did. Going through the motions because its ''what''s next'' despite many red flags only to be divorcing after less than a year.


I just get this mental picture of you being dragged down the aisle like a rag doll in w/your black ribbon & bruised heart & powerless future and I want to scream NO!!!!!!!


At the VERY least ... take a giant step back. Get out of town. Get some clarity. Get back in touch with the Ally that is underneath all the achievements & smarts & partner in a long-term relationship. Figure out if this is what you want or if you''re just on a runaway train.

I ditto this too. Deco always gives great advice.

I thritto this. Ally, so many of us care very much for you. You are a wonderful lady with a great future ahead of you where you will make a difference to many. I don''t have any great advice except to agree with Deco - you take care of YOU.

Double ditto, I just want to add maybe it is time you did something for you, not for him or his family or your just YOU - reading all this I just get the sense that your wanting to make everyone else happy instead of worring how you feel.

I also want you are in no way being a bridezilla - full stop.

You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve happiness wherever that may be .

 

[katamari]

Hi Ally. Big, big hugs more than anything!

You have been offered some great insight so far. From my perspective, I honestly think you and your FI should get into couples counseling. This year has been so difficult for both of you. You are both struggling with the loss of his father. But, you are also dealing with your accident and almost losing you, trying to become a dual professional household, the stress of professional school (especially through residency), planning a wedding, and probably a hundred other things you haven''t shared with us. That is a toll that the average person or couple just cannot get through alone. It is bound to impact your relationship because it is going to effect the way you think about life and what is important. A counselor could really help you two work through all of this together.

As an observer, I noticed that even though you are struggling that he may not be wanting to marry you, you are feeling the same sentiment somewhat. In my opinion, this is rooted in the difficulties you have had to deal with this year, but this is another reason to get with someone removed from the situation and really talk about your relationship and what you really want from it.

You also mention that you fear he wants a submissive wife and may not be taking your career seriously. But, you are fearful to tell him when he is being unreasonable or making you feel undervalued. To me, this seems like it could move into an unequal relationship very quickly. Especially as someone going into a very demanding profession, you need a partner. And he needs to know that he is not being one.

Grief is a tricky thing without question. And, I do believe he is being struck hard by it. However, it should not be an excuse to turn him, of your relationship, into something different. Beyond that, your marriage will face many other trials and events that you will need to get through healthfully. By letting this set a precedent, you may have to relive these emotions every time something trying happens.

Yes, all the wedding stuff would be frustrating, but to me, it would be most painful because it is a reminder of your relationship dynamics. If he starts respecting you as a partner, then he will see your points on these details. You two have a wonderful history together, and I assume you would have never agreed to marry unless you had a comforting, supportive partnership. You just have to rekindle it, and it will take one of you being proactive about it. I have seen what you have been through already this year, and I know you are strong enough to initiate it!

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/8/2009 11:09:29 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Ally,

I hope you find your voice. Do what is right for you. You have been through sooo much. I''d hate for you to be pushed into something you don''t want, or that isn''t right for you. Take time to take stock of your life. I wish you only the best and am very fond of you. I have always followed your threads with great interest and respect. HUGS. xxxx Lisa

ditto this. I do hope that you speak up ally. I''m so sorry to hear that he''s treating you this way again. Your wedding should not be a memorial to his dad. If you don''t want to wear a black bow etc, don''t and they should not say it to you in the first place anyway. Don''t go through this if you don''t want to. Do you have a friend that you can stay with for a few days and think about things?

 

[Porridge]

Date: 4/9/2009 12:41:53 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 4/8/2009 11:09:29 PM

Author: Kaleigh

Ally,


I hope you find your voice. Do what is right for you. You have been through sooo much. I'd hate for you to be pushed into something you don't want, or that isn't right for you. Take time to take stock of your life. I wish you only the best and am very fond of you. I have always followed your threads with great interest and respect. HUGS. xxxx Lisa

ditto this. I do hope that you speak up ally. I'm so sorry to hear that he's treating you this way again. Your wedding should not be a memorial to his dad. If you don't want to wear a black bow etc, don't and they should not say it to you in the first place anyway. Don't go through this if you don't want to. Do you have a friend that you can stay with for a few days and think about things?

Thritto Kaleigh and ditto bee*. I hope you get a chance to talk to him today. Stand your ground, remember you haven't done anything wrong so you have no reason to be made feel bad about anything.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hey ally, I just wanted to check in and see how you are...I hope things have turned around somehow...