Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice...

[quietlysw]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

She claims that she didn't kiss him back and that she pushed him away and quickly left with her friends. She said that she has been replaying the kiss in her mind over and over to figure out if she did something wrong and she wanted to admit to me that she let the kiss linger for a second too long and that it has been eating her up in side.

I agree Kenny that she feels guilty about the part that she played - but I do not believe she deserves to feel that way about what transpired.

She tried to "figure out" what she did wrong. And came to the only conclusion that she let the kiss "linger", even though she pushed him away and quickly left with her friends. I don't believe that this is a game of seconds, or that one second more warrants intent to cheat, and one second less means an innocent party.


That sounds like a stressed woman rationalising someone else's actions and blaming themselves.

 

[noscrusir]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

O man I completely feel for you just reading that. Going through such a traumatic experience will certainly put anyone on the edge of their emotions. At the moment, you're probably more prone now to act irrationally or make regretful decisions. I agree with others here & say that you should take some time to REALLY think things through, after they've had a chance to settle in.

These type of decisions are never easy and in the end, it's simply up to you to decide where to go from here. I've seen plenty of people go through such a bitter experience, learn from it, and still have long, meaningful relationships. Others go just the other way and, sorry to say, there's no easy answer. You'll have to judge for yourself if/when/how you guys can get through this or whether it's not worth it at all. Plenty of people make mistakes - it's usually the underlying nature of that mistake or pattern of behavior that's more telling. Best of luck to you young man. I hope you end up making the best decision for your life and hers. The ring at this point is a mere side-thought.

 

[RockyRacoon]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Ignore anyone judging your actions or telling you 'you're not ready for marriage' or any other stupidity.

You know more about the situation than a random jewelry forum poster.

Obviously take the time to evaluate your emotions, but I would have done the same thing in your situation.

 

[Oecut253]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

And Rocky Raccoon, are you a man or a woman? Just wonderin'

 

[RockyRacoon]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

And Rocky Raccoon, are you a man or a woman? Just wonderin'

I am a man, last time I checked.

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Also, keep in mind this forum is over 90% women.
Good, bad, right, or wrong, that influences the perspective and the advice you'll get here.
Men and women may be equal, but they are not the same.

Then there's the whole, "Blame the victim" quagmire as it applies to women.

Then there's the inequality of how men are given a pass on being indiscrete or flirty, while women are not.

This thread is so chock full of hot-button issues that it could go on for pages and pages.

 

[GliderPoss]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

OP I'm sorry how things have turned out. I too, suggest you cool down and have a long hard think and maybe another heart-to-heart with your partner before dismissing this relationship so quickly. Agreed - what happened is not cool and I fully understand your anger but she did not initiate the kiss nor did she welcome it. If she was truly callous and unfeeling she would not have even felt bad nor confessed to you. No one is perfect and marriage can be a lifetime of discovery that things are never black & white. I suggest you least talk to her again. Best of luck with your decision.

 

[Meezermom]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

You say that you can't trust her, yet she pretty much immediately told you what happened because she was so racked with guilt. You screwed up alright, and not by your ring choice - by your reaction to her coming clean to you. Cool down and put everything into perspective, and hope that after she thinks about things that SHE decides to give YOU a second chance. When the dust settles, she just might think she dodged a bullet.

 

[canvasback]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I once had a similar thing happen to me. I have never cheated on a girlfriend, and had a terrible time with it. I feel for your pain, and am terribly sorry.

I commend you and think you acted very fairly.

I believe in healing, and am glad to see that she has a conscious and that this ate her up inside. I'm also glad to hear that she says you deserve better.


I will disagree with others in that I adamantly feel she did you wrong. What has happened has led to a trust issue with alcohol, her friend group, emotional and physical cheating (there was both, I think we all agree), and a serious communication issue. Whether or not she feels she did something wrong should not be the reason for telling you what happened. A guy crossed the line with her. At that moment, without regard to whether or not she engaged, she should have dropped everything in her life to make the situation better and to ensure you feel safe and secure in the relationship. Even though she royally screwed this up, she had an opportunity (many) to come clean and let you know of her failure albeit renewed commitment to you and the relationship.

I know the both of you feel sick right now. I don't know your relationship, but am confident she wants to make this right to you--which only comes with time.

I'm so very sorry this has happened, and hope this all works together for the good for both of you.

 

[Polished]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

This issue in itself probably wasn't enough to end the relationship. The ring and the proposal, together with what happened though, might have crystallized a few doubts that were there anyway. The OP is already talking about a future fiance and another ring! It sounds to me like a saved by the ring story.

 

[distracts]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

A guy crossed the line with her. At that moment, without regard to whether or not she engaged, she should have dropped everything in her life to make the situation better and to ensure you feel safe and secure in the relationship.

REAAAAAALLLLLLLYYYY?

SO every time a man gropes me in public, which happens at least once a week, I have to DROP EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE to make sure my husband feels okay because SOMEONE ELSE violated my personal space and autonomy? Jesus christ. What do women have to do if they're raped? The same thing? WTF

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

HI:

Quite. A story.

cheers--Sharon

 

[mrs-b]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Massive overreaction. Massive.

You have an honest girl here - well, you did, till you ran out of the coffee shop. You weren't engaged, some dude kissed her, she hesitated, then pushed him away. It's never happened before and she said it would never happen again and she's felt awful ever since.

Buddy, seriously, people make mistakes. If you can't deal with your partner making a mistake and feeling horrible about it and telling you - then you AREN'T ready to be married. I know there's people on this site saying you didn't over react and poor you. Not me. I disagree with your behavior HEARTILY, and I think the overly dramatic rendition of events speaks to a level of emotion, self immolation and martyrdom that would be hugely difficult for any partner to live with full time.

I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me strongly - as strongly as I disagree with them. Don't care. This is decades of 'happily married' speaking. And the part where you said you called your mother and balled your eyes out - oy vey. If this is all it took for you to dump her - then you need to be the one to walk away because you're not ready to commit as yet to a regular flawed human being with all the failures and weaknesses that entails.

She let a guy kiss her for a moment. When she confessed, you walked out on her and have judged her very harshly. One of you is at fault. I just don't think it's her. She would take back her part in it if she could. Would you say the same thing about your own behavior?

And just to add - in your first post, you said that if she just wanted a bigger diamond, maybe this wasn't going to work out for you. Seriously? Over a jewelry choice? To come up with that statement without even knowing what the issue was says to me that perhaps you're the one with a foot out the door. And perhaps she felt it.

ETA Possibly a troll? Just seems too wildly over the top to me. I don't know a man alive who would admit to calling his mother and crying hysterically because some other guy kissed his girl.

 

[dk168]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

The OP should feel relieved in knowing he had made a good choice with his ring selection, and not a "ringfailure" as chosen as his username!

Whether the intended wearer is worthy of such thoughtfulness is another matter, and this can only be decided by the OP.

Good luck to the OP!

DK

 

[lioness]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

So... she was out being social (yep, friendly flirting is a part of being social for many people), some dude kissed her, she pushed him away (yep, being kissed feels nice, sometimes it takes a moment for your brain to kick in), felt horribly guilty about it anyway, told you all about it, and you are breaking up with her?

?????????????

Honestly I think you probably weren't ready for marriage then. So, I guess, good to know that now.

+1. I think she dodged a bullet. Imagine the emotional pressure that comes from walking on eggshells around your spouse.

 

[lioness]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Massive overreaction. Massive.

You have an honest girl here - well, you did, till you ran out of the coffee shop. You weren't engaged, some dude kissed her, she hesitated, then pushed him away. It's never happened before and she said it would never happen again and she's felt awful ever since.

Buddy, seriously, people make mistakes. If you can't deal with your partner making a mistake and feeling horrible about it and telling you - then you AREN'T ready to be married. I know there's people on this site saying you didn't over react and poor you. Not me. I disagree with your behavior HEARTILY, and I think the overly dramatic rendition of events speaks to a level of emotion, self immolation and martyrdom that would be hugely difficult for any partner to live with full time.

I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me strongly - as strongly as I disagree with them. Don't care. This is decades of 'happily married' speaking. And the part where you said you called your mother and balled your eyes out - oy vey. If this is all it took for you to dump her - then you need to be the one to walk away because you're not ready to commit as yet to a regular flawed human being with all the failures and weaknesses that entails.

She let a guy kiss her for a moment. When she confessed, you walked out on her and have judged her very harshly. One of you is at fault. I just don't think it's her. She would take back her part in it if she could. Would you say the same thing about your own behavior?

And just to add - in your first post, you said that if she just wanted a bigger diamond, maybe this wasn't going to work out for you. Seriously? Over a jewelry choice? To come up with that statement without even knowing what the issue was says to me that perhaps you're the one with a foot out the door. And perhaps she felt it.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

If you can't live through this, you can't live through the marriage. On the bright side, you can still return your ring during the return period and get your money back. Like you said ... you don't think the girl deserves your love ... and you probably don't deserve hers (assuming she is being honest about the situation).

But if I really think about - why would anyone feel so guilty about some casual flirting that led to a kiss? There is probably more to it or she feels something from the kiss.

 

[TC1987]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Oh, the drama. I'm leaving this thread now.

eta: "Goodbye, cruel Pricescope."

 

[canvasback]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

A guy crossed the line with her. At that moment, without regard to whether or not she engaged, she should have dropped everything in her life to make the situation better and to ensure you feel safe and secure in the relationship.

REAAAAAALLLLLLLYYYY?

SO every time a man gropes me in public, which happens at least once a week, I have to DROP EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE to make sure my husband feels okay because SOMEONE ELSE violated my personal space and autonomy? Jesus christ. What do women have to do if they're raped? The same thing? WTF

I was commenting on a very specific instance. I have my opinion, you have yours. Go on about your merry day.

 

[dk168]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Honesty = Good

Jealousy and Possessiveness = Bad

DK

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Honesty = Good

Jealousy and Possessiveness = Bad

DK

I agree, but like other women here you conveniently left out some facts ...

Flirting with men while drinking in a bar when you are in a committed monogamous relationship and about to get engaged = Bad
Lingering too long when a strange man suddenly kisses you = Bad

These are both Bad regardless of the genders.

The bottom line ...
It is up to these two, and only these two, to work it out ... or not.

 

[Tourmaline]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I get the feeling that you are young, and that the relationship was fast. You said you wanted to pick the ring all by yourself because you aren't usually romantic. I agree with those who noticed that, on mere speculation that she may have wanted a larger diamond, you were ready to break up. I think you got caught up in buying a ring because you felt pressured to do so, but the reality is that you weren't ready to give your heart to her. I wonder what your mom's reaction was. If it was to tell you that you deserve better and should move on, she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

People have all sorts of rules for what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. My husband and I are total prudes when it comes to "casual flirtation" with other people. Neither one of us would do it. Ever. But we weren't that way before we were married. You weren't engaged last week when she went out. Since you aren't romantic, maybe the guy at the bar caught her interest a bit. Maybe she thought you wouldn't actually get around to committing to her. Maybe you put too much pressure on her to be perfect (according to you).

I think you may have saved her from a miserable marriage. Best of luck to both of you.

(Maybe this is fictional. All posts by the OP have been in this thread.)

 

[Rena7]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I don't want to take sides here. I am so sorry this happened to you. I do think that you should take some time before you end your relationship. Maybe you will feel differently about it with a little time and the two of you can talk. I wish you the best.

 

[mrs-b]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

As a more general comment....

Unasked for, a woman is kissed by some man she didn't know. She was 'so into it' that she pushed him away and left the bar immediately.

She then spends days wondering if she did something wrong and comes to the conclusion that she doesn't deserve the ring. You tell her she doesn't deserve your love.

Because - unasked for - some other guy kissed her.

Gender equality. We still have a little way to go.

 

[HappyNewLife]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

assuming this isn't just a troll post to get us all riled up, because it seems so far-fetched to dismiss a relationship so easily, then I feel like she dodged a bullet too. To just decide she doesn't deserve the ring or a chance to work things out is unfair. And believe me, I'm one of those women that thinks cheating is a deal breaker.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I'm very sorry about this, I feel badly about my somewhat flippant comment now - I really thought she just didn't like the ring - You are obviously very upset about this, and I think your feelings should be respected. I also think you should allow yourself to calm down a little and give yourself some time. She sounds genuinely sorry and (you might not want to hear this) it was brave of her to tell you. She didn't have to - and it sounds like she knew that you would be really angry. It's clear she feels very guilty about the incident and I think that counts for a lot. Only you can know if this relationship is worth saving. I wish you, and her, the best.

edited for typo

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

As a more general comment....

Unasked for, a woman is kissed by some man she didn't know. She was 'so into it' that she pushed him away and left the bar immediately.

She then spends days wondering if she did something wrong and comes to the conclusion that she doesn't deserve the ring. You tell her she doesn't deserve your love.

Because - unasked for - some other guy kissed her.

Gender equality. We still have a little way to go.

Right. I feel bad for her. The concept that a women can have a man forced on her then feel guilty about it is really a shame.

I hope you take time and logically decide for yourself what's Tue best situation for you.

 

[doberman]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Wow. She told you the truth of her own volition - it's not like you discovered something she was hiding. She could have been dishonest. You totally overreacted IMO. But eventually when she winds up with someone else she will be glad that you did.

 

[distracts]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Flirting with men while drinking in a bar when you are in a committed monogamous relationship and about to get engaged = Bad

Kenny... people vary.

Plenty of people, myself included, think that is totally fine. Both my husband and I are very flirty, and both very equal-opportunity with our flirtations. Flirting does not indicate an intent to get busy with the person you are flirting with. Now, if you and your partner agree flirting crosses a line, then it does - for you. But for many people it doesn't.

 

[ringfailure]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I didn't think I would post here again about this, but I have read the posts and a lot of them are hurtful to me. I am a good guy and I feel like there is more to the story. Don't you ever just get that feeling about something? I have processed this more and I feel that she probably wasn't that innocent in all of this. I think that is what I initially felt, but it was hard for me to have those intense feelings and think logically at the time. She has asked to talk to me about it and offered to bring a friend that was there to also tell what happened. I told her the friend wasn't necessary. I am going to talk to her again and look into her eyes and see what my gut feeling is.