Just plain greedy or she has a point?

[Scandinavian]

Oh I don't know. If she really wanted a bigger stone and he could afford it - why not just ask him? Maybe they deserve eachother...

 

[House Cat]

But what if the ring causes you to question how much he loves and values you, even if you love him unreservedly? I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me enough not to cheap out on me.

That would have shown in a pattern of behavior long before the proposal. That pattern of behavior would pepper my answer accordingly.

Listen, my dad and my brother are the biggest tightwads that a person could ever meet. Their behavior seems almost...compulsive? They definitely couldn't hide this truth for a prolonged period of time, propose to a woman, and then let it hang out.

This is why I say a person would know they were attached to a tightwad sooner than later.

Sometimes a person's need to save money has nothing to do with how much they value people. Sometimes they save money to feel safe. One might say a partner not respecting this need is a lack of love.

 

[Gussie]

That would have shown in a pattern of behavior long before the proposal. That pattern of behavior would pepper my answer accordingly.

Listen, my dad and my brother are the biggest tightwads that a person could ever meet. Their behavior seems almost...compulsive? They definitely couldn't hide this truth for a prolonged period of time, propose to a woman, and then let it hang out.

This is why I say a person would know they were attached to a tightwad sooner than later.

Sometimes a person's need to save money has nothing to do with how much they value people. Sometimes they save money to feel safe. One might say a partner not respecting this need is a lack of love.

This is definitely true. My husband's family is exactly like this. They view money as freedom and not spending it means more freedom. He thinks like this too but has changed some over the years. Thank goodness!

 

[tyty333]

I wonder if the guy is a "saver" or does he spend money on his hobbies and his wants. If he is a saver, I think she might have been able to figure
out that she may not get something large. If he is a spender on his wants (but not hers), then I think she has cause to question the situation. Did
he realize the size was important to her? Lots of missed communication that should have taken place so they both knew each others expectations
and discussed them. I cant help thinking that I might have felt the same way she did. If he has lots of disposable income then why didnt he spend
a little more? Because he is a "saver", because he didnt know that I would appreciate/wanted bigger, because he bought about what my friends/family
have? Lots of questions...sure would like to hear his side of the story!

 

[OoohShiny]

Ooohshiny I would think twice about staying with a man who was "testing" me. Trust? Out the window. And where is a successful relationship if one doesn't trust the other?

You make excellent points

re: the 'testing' thing, I can imagine that if one has a lot of wealth, testing whether someone is bothered about not receiving large gifts (in terms of size/value/number) is key to making sure you're not going to be taken for a ride - I'm sure there are people out there who are really only looking for an open wallet rather than love.

Not being in the position to ever be desired for my wealth and status and material possessions LOL I can only go off things such as that terrible bachelor show, where the chap pretends to be minted but is actually only worth what a 'normal' person is worth, which I guess is working off exactly that principle - i.e. if love trumps all, even material wealth, then surely it shouldn't matter how much a partner has, or whether they spend some/all/none of it on you?

Perhaps such a wealthy person needs that test in order to place the trust that is needed to move forward to a lifetime commitment?

We've all seen The Thomas Crown Affair, haven't we?

 

[valeria101]

I cannot get past the form of the complaint !

It is such a public gift - I can imagine the same mob humiliating her for the ring, had she not asked ...

 

[valeria101]

I can imagine that if one has a lot of wealth ...

... they deal with the asumption of equal shares via the marriage contract

 

[elizabethess]

re: the 'testing' thing, I can imagine that if one has a lot of wealth, testing whether someone is bothered about not receiving large gifts (in terms of size/value/number) is key to making sure you're not going to be taken for a ride - I'm sure there are people out there who are really only looking for an open wallet rather than love.

Perhaps such a wealthy person needs that test in order to place the trust that is needed to move forward to a lifetime commitment?

I get that concern, as I've been in relationships with financial disparity before... both ways! (I make more vs. they make more) Not 1% kind of wealthy, but enough of a difference to raise eyebrows. You get to know a person through the relationship by how they respond to birthday or other gifts, what purchases they make, what they want vs. what they can afford. You talk about debt and savings and thoughts on both. I bristle at the idea of the ring being a 'test' because who plays games with a proposal?? Anyone who isn't sure about the character of their partner and needs to run an experiment that involves purchasing a ring and proposing to find out what their partner would do is someone who doesn't know their partner well enough to propose!

 

[BlingDreams]

Who says you have to be happy with a surprise engagement ring? Where is that written? It has nothing to do about if she's happy he asked her and if she truly loves HIM and not his money. Some people can be so cruel (not here... on the wedding forum).

The engagement ring has possibly more meaning than any other piece of jewelry you'll ever own, so why shouldn't she desire something she loves and beams at every time she looks at it? Some people don't care what they wear (ie: the whole silicone wedding band craze) and it means the world to others. One side isn't right while the other is wrong... they're just different, and should be respected.

Perhaps if they'd gone shopping together that would have opened the door to the conversation it sounds like REALLY needed to happen... how much to spend and why that amount. Could it be that he's wanting to save money so they can buy a place and she can stay home when they have children? A lot of women I know would gladly make that concession. Or could it be that to him a small diamond is what his mother and grandmother wore so he sees it as traditional and elegant? Who knows.

Her biggest mistake was looking for sympathy amongst strangers, some of whom would give anything to be given a ring of any kind. That just set her up for flaming arrows.

 

[Karl_K]

People bristle when I say it.

It is a fact that a lot of ERs are bough by men who have no desire nor interest in buying one, but do so because it is expected.
Some will treat it as a chore to get over others will get into it and do their best.

Some men are just klutzes, i know one who his now wife said she loved his sisters ring and went on and on about it to his sister when she first saw it.
So he got the bright idea of finding out what it was from his brother in law and getting an identical ring down to the color and clarity grade.
Lucky for him while talking to her mom he mentioned it and she set him strait.
It wasn't her style at all and doing that was going to be bad with both his sister and his now wife upset.
So he took an extra week or so and got a different setting.
She loved the ring and they are happily married with several kids.
Several years later he told her the story and they both get a laugh about it.

 

[Austina]

I think her posting on a public forum was bound to attract negative comments.

My husband always says he thought he'd found the perfect woman when he met me, I didn't drink, ate very little and had no intetest in jewellery
39 years later, he says he was conned

 

[OoohShiny]

... they deal with the asumption of equal shares via the marriage contract

Did I hear the words 'pre-nup'? lol

I get that concern, as I've been in relationships with financial disparity before... both ways! (I make more vs. they make more) Not 1% kind of wealthy, but enough of a difference to raise eyebrows. You get to know a person through the relationship by how they respond to birthday or other gifts, what purchases they make, what they want vs. what they can afford. You talk about debt and savings and thoughts on both. I bristle at the idea of the ring being a 'test' because who plays games with a proposal?? Anyone who isn't sure about the character of their partner and needs to run an experiment that involves purchasing a ring and proposing to find out what their partner would do is someone who doesn't know their partner well enough to propose!

Agreed!

 

[telephone89]

I just hate the notion of spending other peoples money. He spent what he thought was appropriate. If she wanted something more expensive she is welcome to shell out for it herself. Calling someone cheap or a tight-wad because they don't want to spend a certain % of their income on jewellery is very low IMO. An engagement ring is FIRSTLY a symbolic gesture - asking someone to spend the rest of their life with you. It is secondly a piece of jewellery. It is foolish to overlook the first while focusing only on the second.
That said, style is very personal and NEEDS to be discussed ahead of a big (or not so big) purchase like this. I don't think the receiver should ever get to dictate the price unless they are chipping in.

 

[valeria101]

Did I hear the words 'pre-nup'?

Of course - a much more appropriate officiation of marriage than public linching ...

 

[lyra]

We're seeing change these days. I hope that will include in the future, that the common thing to do is for couples to make a joint purchase of the engagement ring. Or at least move away from IMO these crazy big expectations for a fabulous engagement story, and other unrealistic things. Couples IMO should pick out a ring together. Both could have input. I've been married 34 years. I picked out my ring. Over the decades, we talked about upgrades, and did that. No grand gestures here. Just honest communication, some compromises over the years, and both feeling okay about everything. A big ring does not mean someone is loved more, or that the marriage, if it even happens, will last forever.

 

[ABKIS]

I just hate the notion of spending other peoples money. He spent what he thought was appropriate. If she wanted something more expensive she is welcome to shell out for it herself. Calling someone cheap or a tight-wad because they don't want to spend a certain % of their income on jewellery is very low IMO. An engagement ring is FIRSTLY a symbolic gesture - asking someone to spend the rest of their life with you. It is secondly a piece of jewellery. It is foolish to overlook the first while focusing only on the second.
That said, style is very personal and NEEDS to be discussed ahead of a big (or not so big) purchase like this. I don't think the receiver should ever get to dictate the price unless they are chipping in.

All of this.

I understand her point but in my opinion, Telephone is right. The ring is a symbolic gesture - the proposal itself is what carries weight. Someone else is telling you they will forsake everyone else just to spend the rest of their days with you.

If your response/feelings about the proposal are dictated by the ring - perhaps you should re-evaluate things.

 

[foxinsox]

It is as critical as trust on a relationship IMO. Both necessary and neither one sufficient on their own IMO.

This jumped out at me - I think without communication, you can't have trust and vice versa - each one is dependent on the other. Remove one and you'll always lose the other.

 

[foxinsox]

Ooohshiny I would think twice about staying with a man who was "testing" me. Trust? Out the window. And where is a successful relationship if one doesn't trust the other?

Also who uses their proposal as a test?
Yes the ring is symbolic of the commitment so it's a box to be ticked BUT even as that it's also symbolic in how it's representative of how he views them and the commitment they're embarking on together - if he simply observes the form without sincere thought - buying the bare minimum he was sold in a high street store - isn't he telling her that he's just going through the motions and there's some disconnect there? I would be pretty upset to have someone propose without actually considering me or my tastes in the symbol of our lasting commitment. Not sure if I've conveyed my thought right - there's a lot of cultural significance around engagements and the ring that it's hard sometimes to tease out what is marketing (3 months, bigger is better) with what the point of the ring actually is - for me, a symbol of our agreement to join our lives together so therefore how it's chosen and given, and how the wearer's tastes are accommodated is actually really functionally important.

 

[Karl_K]

btw the richest person I know in person, somewhere in the near to low billion range net worth his wife wears a 1/3ct diamond and its the only one she owns other than maybe some small melee.

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

My husband, who was 35 when we got married, somehow had made it through life thinking that the wedding ring and the engagement ring were the same thing. :roll (He is really smart in an absentminded professor kind of way.) I was 30 and ready to be married and buy a house, and he was/is a sweet, loyal, devoted kind of person. We got nice matching gold bands that suited us and I didn't explain the engagement ring thing to him for years and years. We spent the money we had on a down payment for a house. 22 years later, no regrets. But that's just me, lol.

 

[BlingDreams]

btw the richest person I know in person, somewhere in the near to low billion range net worth his wife wears a 1/3ct diamond and its the only one she owns other than maybe some small melee.

Diamonds may not be her thing, but I'd bet she has an expensive collection of some kind! Nice clothes? Nice cars? Nice vacations?

 

[Dancing Fire]

My good lady would have been happy with a Haribo ring if it meant I was committing to her forever!

That's what they all say, buttttt?...

 

[Bron357]

Hmmmmm. Given that so many women "dream and design" their stunning engagement ring, why wouldn't a woman feel out of sorts if the engagement ring was nothing like she imagined, hoped and dreamed of. I've read countless posts here on pricescope as women (and men) discuss and examine various merits of style, size, colour etc. I have always chosen my own jewellery, my husband and I went ring shopping together, I was always getting a pre loved ring because I'm "a better value for money type gal". We looked at many different price points. I wanted him to choose but I gave him about 10 different options. I was basically after a diamond solitaire with some sort of side stones. I was expecting the more modest 1.5 carat Oval diamond we'd seen. However there had been a huge Art Deco ring we'd seen, more as a "omg I'll try this one on, ha ha" so I was pretty gob smacked when the box was opened and that one was produced. He said that he could tell by my eyes that that one was the one I had really wanted and he figured rather than be like my mother, who has upgraded 5 times over 45 years, well just start where we want to finish.
There is nothing wrong with liking, hoping for, dreaming of and even having nice things. Why do guys drive Porsches, Ferraris etc when a Honda does the same job? Why do women have designer handbags when a cotton sack will just as well carry your belonging?
That woman was disappointed by her fiances lack of consultation, by her "dream" of her most special ring being shot down and the thought that the boring, plain little solitaire diamond says more about what he thinks of her dreams, hopes and aspirations of being "so special to him". She feels like he walked up to a jeweller counter, looked down and said "Yeah, that one will do".

 

[Matata]

btw the richest person I know in person, somewhere in the near to low billion range net worth his wife wears a 1/3ct diamond and its the only one she owns other than maybe some small melee.

If I were a billionaire, I wouldn't have the jewelry collection most on PS would expect, but I would have one of these

 

[madelise]

I think the BIGGEST problem here is

A) the man values a coworkers' off handed remark more than the woman's feelings

and

B) this woman sees speaking to random strangers as a better way to communicate her frustration than to speak with him directly, for fear of his reaction to her thoughts.


Both aren't good news for their relationship.

 

[arkieb1]

I have a chuckle when I read things like this on this forum I can only imagine how some of the ladies here would crack it if their dearly beloved bought them a .30 to .50 carat diamond.

Sure, sometimes the guy just doesn't get it, sometimes it's lack of communication, but many times I think going on some of the comments over in RT ladies have unreal expectations of what the guy should be able to afford/buy. The internet, TV and magazines set unreal standards & have a lot to answer for.

 

[valeria101]

I have a chuckle ...

BIG is bad, small - even worse ...

Distracts from the diamonds.

 

[Jambalaya]

The engagement ring is the most special piece of jewelry most women will ever own. If it IS 0.25-0.33 as in the links Rhea posted, I would be very disappointed if I were her. He spent less than a week's wages, and maybe that would not matter at all to many people, but it would matter to me. But then, I have always found meanness with money to be a turn-off, given that I am very generous with money and love gifting beautiful things to the people I love. It's wonderful to see their faces light up. (It's that Love Languages thing again.) I don't see money as freedom and it would be a terrible mismatch for me to be with someone who sees money that way. But each to their own.

If he really wanted to spend less than a week's wages, he would have been much better off getting a beautiful semi-precious stone such as an amethyst or a blue topaz set in a small diamond halo. He could have done that easily with 1.3k.

 

[Begonia]

I'd be disappointed.

I think there is a reason why he didn't consult with her about the ring (ignorance, wanted to surprise her, wanted to spend what he thought was right, something else?). I'd start with finding out what he was thinking when he purchased the ring. There's some talking to do that may not have been done.

 

[Arcadian]

so, I'm one of those that got 0 engagement ring when we got married. we also didn't have a church wedding (we got married on my lunch hour) My feeling is that they didn't really talk things through. She also may not have let him know what she really liked...or maybe she did and he didn't give a damn.

Airing dirty laundry in a very public way may not get her the response she wants from her intended. If her wish was to unconsciously embarrass her intended into getting her something better, that can always backfire. She had a choice to refuse the ring if it wasn't to her liking but apparently she wanted to get married more.

If he got it after she let him know what she was hoping for, and that's what she got...well, he showed her what he found important.

If he just didn't know any better, then she's expecting him to be a mind reader.

In any case, she overshared and shouldn't have.