Just plain greedy or she has a point?

[Austina]

In one of our newspapers today, this lady was disappointed with the engagement ring her boyfriend bought her. She felt as he's a high earner, he should've spent more.

I didn't have an engagement ring, we just got married, but I know if I'd been presented with something I really didn't like, I'd never have worn it. Her gripe is the diamond isn't big enough!

What do you think?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4790084/Woman-complains-1-300-engagement-ring.html

 

[whitewave]

Well, she says he "nearly " makes 6 figures, so he doesn't make 6 figures. Let's say he makes 80k a year. That's $6,600 a month before taxes, health insurance, retirement, etc.

I suppose he should have spent about 4-5k, but I think the larger problem here is 1) lack of communication and 2) perhaps inflated expectations on her part.

Maybe he has a reason for not spending more.

 

[monarch64]

I don't think her post came off as greedy or ungrateful. Some women like larger stones (for various reasons that have nothing to do with showing off to their social circle) and I think some people have an expectation that maybe doesn't match their partner's as far as cost. Obviously this woman and her fiance were not on the same page. She says she would've liked to have chosen a ring together--I don't blame her. I mean, heaven forbid a woman has certain expectations...you know, like finding a partner with good genes, a not-tiny penis, etc. Now THERE'S a topic for an internet article--how do you break it to your partner that you're not into what they've got going on in their pants?

 

[partgypsy]

In one of our newspapers today, this lady was disappointed with the engagement ring her boyfriend bought her. She felt as he's a high earner, he should've spent more.

I didn't have an engagement ring, we just got married, but I know if I'd been presented with something I really didn't like, I'd never have worn it. Her gripe is the diamond isn't big enough!

What do you think?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4790084/Woman-complains-1-300-engagement-ring.html

Her gripe is not just the diamond wasn't big enough. She also didn't like the style or the color of the gold, and more importantly that they didn't pick it out together (so he would know her preferences). People are going to make out that she is grabby but I am very particular about my jewelry. It would bother me to wear something that wasn't picked out with thought. And part of that thought, is that maybe she wants a bigger stone. There are worse things in the world you know.
ETA if that happened to me, I might not go on a forum about it. I might actually talk to my fiancé and try to reach some kind of understanding.

 

[cmd2014]

It reminds me of what Gypsy always used to say to men who came here for help in buying rings: have you talked to her about what she might like???

It's a hard thing once purchased to return without hard feelings. It's much better to get it right the first time IMO, particularly as some people are sentimental enough about the ring that they wouldn't feel right about exchanging/upgrading. But it's a bridge to cross so as to avoid similar issues going forward together I guess.

 

[elizabethess]

One of the pitfalls of the idea that one person is supposed to find/purchase a ring in secrecy and propose as a surprise: sometimes the couple aren't on the same page as far as the receiver's expectations and the reality. She did also say in addition to cost, she would have preferred being involved in some of the selection decisions.

As far as being greedy, it makes me wonder what the standard is for other purchases in their relationship. (edit to add: she says he's normally generous). Does he splurge on other things like tv, tech, etc? If typical purchases are modest, thrifty and frugal then I'd expect the same for a ring, no matter how much he makes. If he's spending bank on other things, and less on an engagement ring, that might smart a little bit. To be surprised at the amount spent is, I think, a red flag that the couple doesn't jointly agree on/understand how finances would look like in the marriage. It's *so* important for a couple (especially one considering whether to get married or not!) to really communicate about expectations for joint finances and spending/saving priorities.

Well, she says he "nearly " makes 6 figures, so he doesn't make 6 figures. Let's say he makes 80k a year. That's $6,600 a month before taxes, health insurance, retirement, etc.

Not disagreeing, just wondering if it is 6 figures in dollars or pounds? The cost of the ring is given as £1,300. I think 'nearly' 6 fig is over 6 fig in US dollars.

 

[Akalahab]

Is she from the U.K.? Bc rings are quite small there unless you're in London. So maybe they are from different parts with different ideas of what rings look like/symbolize? I can understand seeing the engagement ring as a very important gift as one of my top "love languages" is receiving gifts - not necessarily to do with monetary value but of thought, effort, and sacrifice that gives it sentimental value. Given this, it isn't true that "if she makes it all about the ring, she isn't the one for you." It isn't like she said she doesnt want to marry him because of it - and she hasn't even brought it up to him. But for some men, a ring symbolizes a commitment of both parties and not something that is a visual representation of his love or commitment.

As it may have been hastily posted on a random Internet forum, I probably wouldn't give too much weight to an analysis of her word choice. She may have just been upset and not yet had time to think through her thoughts and feelings.

Just sounds like they both have the task of getting to know one another a little better.

 

[azstonie]

My response today, at 58, is far different than what I would have said at 30

Today, I say "Get the ring you love" assuming significant debt would not be involved. Here's why: If you are getting married in the young years, you're going to want to buy your housing and that is not going to come cheap and 99% of us are going to have to take out a mortgage to do it.Having a giant loan out for the ring is going to hit you negatively now. Then, you might become parents and children are costly and one of you might not be working full time. Children are going to need some kind of education or vocational training after high school=$. Hopefully from this point on, you're in your high-earning years and can start squirreling away money to retire from the rat race before your body and mind are broken.

So the 'time' to get this piece of jewelry is before all the rest of this happens. I know I said "no debt" for the ring but maybe a small amount, an amount that can be paid off in the first year of your marriage, would be acceptable.

At 30, I would have thought that this woman was too focused on that ring but when I was 30 I thought jewelry was for "old" people.

 

[Austina]

Yes, this is a woman in the U.K. so nearly 6 figures here is 6 figures $. We don't really have the 'upgrade' culture here, usually if you have an engagement ring, you have it for life.

There's no way I would want a man to choose a ring for me, I have specific tastes, and even after all these years, my DH would probably get it wrong.

I'm surprised this man chose the wrong colour gold, either he wasn't very observant, or thought his choice was best.

I've never really got the whole 'surprise' thing, it's too easy for it to be a horrible surprise!

When we got married, we bought a house, furnished it and started out with everything new, so jewellery wasn't really high on my list of priorities then, neither was a big wedding.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I've never really got the whole 'surprise' thing, it's too easy for it to be a horrible surprise!

Yup!. Don't ever try to surprise her with an expensive custom setting b/c 90% of the time she will not like the setting for one reason or another.

 

[Jambalaya]

This is an engagement ring - it's supposed to be the most significant piece of jewellery you'll ever own, and it's most people's chance to have something really nice (within your own parameters). If he earns nearly six figures (so about $150k) then I do think approx $1800 on her ring is really cheap. I'd be upset, too, and would wonder how much he really values me. But then, one of my love languages is gifts. IMHO, he's a tight-wad, and I find that a disappointing and deeply unattractive trait in someone who does have money. Yeah. I'm firmly on her side. That is a cheap ring relative to his wealth.

 

[House Cat]

I would never risk losing the man I love over a ring that I don't.

 

[Jambalaya]

But what if the ring causes you to question how much he loves and values you, even if you love him unreservedly? I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me enough not to cheap out on me.

 

[LLJsmom]

I agree with practically everything said above. They definitely are not on the same page, and I think they really do need to get to know each other better. I am sorry that she is so disappointed with her engagement ring. That is just sad.

 

[Matata]

The notion that someone who makes a lot of money needs to buy a more expensive ring than someone who makes less money annoys me as does the notion that the cost/size of the ring indicates the depth and breadth of love and the worthiness of the receiver. It's all about marketing and the success of advertising that convinces us that big and expensive = higher status.

 

[Jambalaya]

Perhaps I think that way because, if I were the man, and I loved a woman enough to marry her, I know I would push the boat out on her engagement ring. It would give me huge pleasure to give her something special - and usually, special does cost a bit where diamonds are concerned. I really cannot understand someone lowballing an engagement ring when they don't have to.

 

[AprilBaby]

Given that most of us have upgraded our rings I think she has a point. I would be disappointed too.

 

[PintoBean]

They have different value systems and need to work on communication.

 

[whitewave]

The notion that someone who makes a lot of money needs to buy a more expensive ring than someone who makes less money annoys me as does the notion that the cost/size of the ring indicates the depth and breadth of love and the worthiness of the receiver. It's all about marketing and the success of advertising that convinces us that big and expensive = higher status.

My first thought was she is a spender...

 

[Hayley87]

The fact that one of his coworkers told him, "If she makes it all about the ring, she isn't the one for you" struck me. What an odd thing to say--unprompted, that is. It makes me think the fiancé was insecure about or unsure of his choice in the ring style/size/etc. to begin with.

This couple needs to talk more

She also should know better than to expect sympathy on a wedding forum Those ladies are cuckoo.

Based in part on my own experience (of not telling my husband my own preferences before we got engaged ), I'm an advocate of the guy buying the center stone (in whatever shape she's indicated she prefers), proposing in a plain temporary setting (which many jewelers offer now), and then the newly-engaged couple can choose a forever setting together. Best of both worlds, I think.

 

[mochiko42]

I think the key sentence in that post was really, "Ideally I would have loved for us to have chosen a ring together and made a special day finding one we both loved".

It's a communication problem. Specifically, lack of communication about expectations.

 

[arkieb1]

We see it all the time over on RT women want bigger whiter stones than the poor guy wants to spend or they can afford and considering a large number of PSers all have "upgrades" myself included who I am to throw the first stone.

I agree 100% with the Gypsy line of reasoning, if he wasn't sure he should have asked.

 

[Arkteia]

Main thing is, we did not see the photo of the ring. What if it is in such a bad taste that we all would say, "nay"?

 

[Snowdrop13]

There are faults on both sides, his for making assumptions and not taking his partner's desires into account, which may not bode well for future decision making, and her for having unrealistic expectations! Of course, we do not know the details of their situation but a salary of £100k plus is pretty good in most parts of the UK (except probably the South East). Certainly puts you in the top 5% of earners.

 

[Rhea]

I don't think its straight-forward at all. Both parties should have communicated more.

We don't need to convert, we can just leave off the symbol.
We're guessing at "nearly 6 figures" that he earns around 80,000 per year. Average British salary is around 28,000. Average London salary is around 35,000. At "nearly 6 figures" he would be considered to be a high earner.

He spent 1,300 on the ring. I'm going to assume (and you know what they say about that!) that he purchased her ring at a high street store. I did a quick price comparison and on an 18c white gold band it's likely her solitaire is between 0.25 - 0.33 ct.
www.goldsmiths.co.uk/Solitaire-brilliant-cut-0.25-carat-diamond-ring-set-in-18-carat-white-gold/p/06014551/
www.goldsmiths.co.uk/Brilliant-cut-0.33-carat-solitaire-diamond-ring-set-in-18-carat-white-gold/p/06014421/
www.ernestjones.co.uk/webstore/d/1660578/18ct+white+gold+0.25ct+diamond+ring/?cmCat=OVM
www.ernestjones.co.uk/webstore/d/6372260/tolkowsky+18ct+white+gold+0.20ct+i-i1+diamond+solitaire+ring/

I think the current average engagement ring is in the UK is around 1/3 carat, though it wouldn't be the Office for National Statistics that collects that data, it's be Brides magazine or something equally as unreliable.

I'd be disappointed too. I'm not sure how I'd vent or voice those concerns. I don't know what their other expenses are. It's a lot of money, certainly, but it could still be a small amount to them. It's less than a week's pay at 80k per year. I don't think she's greedy, but I don't think her partner is in the wrong either.

 

[missy]

It's not really about the ring is it? I mean they both lack comprehensive communication skills and this isn't a good way to start one's marriage. Through the years I see more and more how critical communicating one's desires and needs is in maintaining a harmonious and happy relationship. It is as critical as trust on a relationship IMO. Both necessary and neither one sufficient on their own IMO.

 

[Polished]

I do think the spirit in which it was given matters. Was he aware he was cheaping out? Was he aware she'd have liked to have chosen it with him and been able to provide some guidance? Did he think, in spite of his income, that it was a huge amount to spend on a ring? It's so easy with a knowledge and appreciation of jewelry to know how he fell short. Reading one of the comments to this article on the DM website left me more annoyed. Apparently a cousin of the poster hadn't bought his fiance an engagement ring at all and then spent much more on his wedding ring than on hers. This sent her a message and the hurt didn't go away.

 

[OoohShiny]

Perhaps I think that way because, if I were the man, and I loved a woman enough to marry her, I know I would push the boat out on her engagement ring. It would give me huge pleasure to give her something special - and usually, special does cost a bit where diamonds are concerned. I really cannot understand someone lowballing an engagement ring when they don't have to.

The fact that one of his coworkers told him, "If she makes it all about the ring, she isn't the one for you" struck me. What an odd thing to say--unprompted, that is. It makes me think the fiancé was insecure about or unsure of his choice in the ring style/size/etc. to begin with.

I'm wondering if perhaps he was 'testing' her - i.e. get her a cheap ring, see if she moans about it or says 'thank you, darling, I don't care what the ring is as I love you whatever happens'.

Clearly she has failed the test and he can move on to find someone who isn't a gold-digger and looking to spend all his substantial salary

[dons flame suit lol]


My good lady would have been happy with a Haribo ring if it meant I was committing to her forever!

 

[OoohShiny]

Reading one of the comments to this article on the DM website left me more annoyed. Apparently a cousin of the poster hadn't bought his fiance an engagement ring at all and then spent much more on his wedding ring than on hers. This sent her a message and the hurt didn't go away.

My made-to-measure suit cost more than my good lady's wedding dress

 

[missy]

I'm wondering if perhaps he was 'testing' her - i.e. get her a cheap ring, see if she moans about it or says 'thank you, darling, I don't care what the ring is as I love you whatever happens'.

Clearly she has failed the test and he can move on to find someone who isn't a gold-digger and looking to spend all his substantial salary

[dons flame suit lol]


My good lady would have been happy with a Haribo ring if it meant I was committing to her forever!

Ooohshiny I would think twice about staying with a man who was "testing" me. Trust? Out the window. And where is a successful relationship if one doesn't trust the other?