justginger
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- May 11, 2009
- Messages
- 3,712
I want to complain because to actually do/say anything about this IRL would be inappropriate.
DH's grandfather passed away last week and we had the memorial/funeral yesterday. Just by attending on a Thurs, it has essentially put me many hours behind in my studies. Annoying, but them's the breaks and that isn't the actual whinge.
The actual whinge is the fact that my DH, as the oldest of the boys (only his sister is older, and her family lives on the other coast), is CONSTANTLY taking care of his family, and does so with little to no notice from them. He is the one who will pay for the entire family's dinner when out for a special occasion. He's the one who organises the trips and tasks necessary to get multiple households set up for winter down here. He's the one who picks up, borrows, drops off, hands over, take time off work for every task imaginable, on the behalf of others. Any special occasions where we don't go out, Mother's Day, Christmas, anniversaries, etc - they are hosted here, at our home. I clean for 5 hours, he cooks for even longer, we foot the cost for the whole dinner (the one for tonight was about $200 in groceries), and it's just expected. His mother is the only person who ever remembers to thank us -- and that's perhaps every fifth meal?
On the other hand, one of his brothers is married, has a young child, and their family is a sponge. Due to their own choices, they're constantly broke and still accept money from my in-laws (who are likely desperately behind in saving for a retirement that should have already occurred). It's like because they have this kid, they can do no wrong. They'll stay, for free and contributing nothing to the household, for days upon days - my SIL has been at my in-laws' for the last week. She cooked ONE meal, and not only did my MIL gush on FB about how lovely it was, so did DH's brother (still living at home at 31). Umm...she does it ONCE to great effusive pomp, my DH does the same thing over and over and over with hardly a mention.
My favorite touch was how they had a slideshow at the memorial yesterday, and besides a couple of very large family photos, my DH was practically absent. His grandfather lived next door to the in-laws, so he was always a guest at our many hosted dinners. But they didn't include a single photo of him and DH, as they did with (I think) every other grandchild. And me? Not a SINGLE photo, group or otherwise. Our child-bearing BIL/SIL? There were 4 (5?) photos from just their wedding! DH asked his youngest brother about it and was told they couldn't find any photos that were just of him and the two of us. Well...three of the photos from the BIL/SIL wedding were group family shots (I wasn't there, the date was chosen last minute and I had already booked tickets to visit my parents in the States). We took PLENTY of those. So why weren't any of them included?
So I'm whinging. I get so tired of watching DH bust his hump to ensure the family is together and running smoothly. I understand this is what happens at some point - one of the children becomes the new central figure of the family as their parents age. But somehow we get the work now, but it feels like until we push out a kid, we don't 'deserve' any of the credit or appreciation. Instead, the brother who does nothing and procreated gets all the glory. And if I'm being honest, the photo thing hurt my feelings. It shouldn't have, and it's silly, but I've been a part of that family, and pulled my weight, for almost 7 years now - and while everyone else was carefully represented, multiple times, I was glaringly absent. Even DH's older sister raised it to me, so she noticed it too.
DH's grandfather passed away last week and we had the memorial/funeral yesterday. Just by attending on a Thurs, it has essentially put me many hours behind in my studies. Annoying, but them's the breaks and that isn't the actual whinge.
The actual whinge is the fact that my DH, as the oldest of the boys (only his sister is older, and her family lives on the other coast), is CONSTANTLY taking care of his family, and does so with little to no notice from them. He is the one who will pay for the entire family's dinner when out for a special occasion. He's the one who organises the trips and tasks necessary to get multiple households set up for winter down here. He's the one who picks up, borrows, drops off, hands over, take time off work for every task imaginable, on the behalf of others. Any special occasions where we don't go out, Mother's Day, Christmas, anniversaries, etc - they are hosted here, at our home. I clean for 5 hours, he cooks for even longer, we foot the cost for the whole dinner (the one for tonight was about $200 in groceries), and it's just expected. His mother is the only person who ever remembers to thank us -- and that's perhaps every fifth meal?
On the other hand, one of his brothers is married, has a young child, and their family is a sponge. Due to their own choices, they're constantly broke and still accept money from my in-laws (who are likely desperately behind in saving for a retirement that should have already occurred). It's like because they have this kid, they can do no wrong. They'll stay, for free and contributing nothing to the household, for days upon days - my SIL has been at my in-laws' for the last week. She cooked ONE meal, and not only did my MIL gush on FB about how lovely it was, so did DH's brother (still living at home at 31). Umm...she does it ONCE to great effusive pomp, my DH does the same thing over and over and over with hardly a mention.
My favorite touch was how they had a slideshow at the memorial yesterday, and besides a couple of very large family photos, my DH was practically absent. His grandfather lived next door to the in-laws, so he was always a guest at our many hosted dinners. But they didn't include a single photo of him and DH, as they did with (I think) every other grandchild. And me? Not a SINGLE photo, group or otherwise. Our child-bearing BIL/SIL? There were 4 (5?) photos from just their wedding! DH asked his youngest brother about it and was told they couldn't find any photos that were just of him and the two of us. Well...three of the photos from the BIL/SIL wedding were group family shots (I wasn't there, the date was chosen last minute and I had already booked tickets to visit my parents in the States). We took PLENTY of those. So why weren't any of them included?
So I'm whinging. I get so tired of watching DH bust his hump to ensure the family is together and running smoothly. I understand this is what happens at some point - one of the children becomes the new central figure of the family as their parents age. But somehow we get the work now, but it feels like until we push out a kid, we don't 'deserve' any of the credit or appreciation. Instead, the brother who does nothing and procreated gets all the glory. And if I'm being honest, the photo thing hurt my feelings. It shouldn't have, and it's silly, but I've been a part of that family, and pulled my weight, for almost 7 years now - and while everyone else was carefully represented, multiple times, I was glaringly absent. Even DH's older sister raised it to me, so she noticed it too.
, and I am under the impression my comments reached back to that family b/c now we're getting the silent treatment. Rather than having them consider that they were over-stepping boundaries and adjusting their behavior, they quit talking to us. Hopefully that doesn't happen to you, but basically, my point is it's a quick test to see if people are already aware of their actions and are trying to use people or really care about the relationship and are willing to change to make the visits more pleasant and less stressful for the host/hostess.
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