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Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
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May 2, 2006
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Hi all. I made a post about a month ago: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/de-lurking-for-good.54843/
about the wonderful new relationship I was in, and how this was it.

Two nights ago, six months into our relationship, he tells me he has two children by two different women. Both lied to him about being on birth control. He has a son and a daughter - son is 9, daughter is 5. The mother of the son got pregnant to try and get him to marry her, he tried to make it work with the mother of his daughter but she broke up with him and started seeing other people. The mother of his daughter moved out to Texas and is getting married. She sends him updates on his daughter by email. The mother of his son is in and out of jail, and not in his life. The son lives with his (the son''s) grandparents, a couple hours away from where we live. He sees him once every few months.

I''ve come to accept the fact that he has two children (and have forgiven him for not telling me earlier - he hasn''t been in a relationship in five years, since the birth of his daughter), but what I can''t accept is how little he is there for his son. My bf has a terrible father. The father fought for his custody, but then basically neglected him. He''s been married and divorced five times and isn''t there for him in any conceivable way, ever. So I can see the history he''s coming from.

My bf says he doesn''t have the emotional capacity to be a good father, but if he can love me the way he does, I don''t see why he can''t do more for his son. I know he''s ashamed of his past, and his son is a part of that. His friend has seen him with his son, and says he''s a good father, WHEN HE''S THERE. But he''s there so little...

I''m going to talk to him again tonight and let him know that I''m there for him, but I can''t be in a relationship with someone who won''t be a good father to his son, in spite of everything that''s happened to him in the past. It''s no excuse. I''m also going to suggest he speak with a therapist.

I''m a wreck. I''ve barely eaten anything in the past two days. I can''t sleep.
 

~*Alexis*~

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
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There are some red flags.

One if he cant be there for his children, cna he really be there for you as his wife?

Two..why did he really wait to tell you the entire truth???

I would find out the answers before it is too late....


Good luck!
 

Cailet

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 16, 2005
Messages
419
I agree with Alexis
tread carefully

he hasn''t had a relationship since the mother of his daughter broke it off with him AND he waited 6 months to tell you he even had children?
sounds like a less-than-ideal situation to me. Not that it can''t still work out great, I''d just be very careful...
 

Hopes

Rough_Rock
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Dec 7, 2006
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Wow... I'm so sorry to hear this Aloros. I remember reading your story and feeling happy for you when you found this guy that you thought was "it." This is just awful for him to have kept it from you in the beginning of your relationship. It sounded like you were pretty serious for a while, and then he brought up the subject, as in "Oh, sorry I didn't tell you this before, but I have two kids with two other women." WHAT?! Kevin Federline much? This just raises so many unanswered questions.

If he's kept such a huge thing from you, what else is he lying to you about or hiding from you? A criminal past? A mistress on the side? You said he is incredibly charming and good-looking, and now you basically hint that women practically fall all over themselves to get him. Then he says doesn't have the "emotional capacity" to be a good father. What if he is also incredibly fickle and can't handle a truly long-term relationship? Are you positive that he hasn't been in a relationship for 5 years? That sounds like a long time for a guy to go without "getting any," if you catch my drift.

I'm not necessarily saying your guy is hiding more from you, just wondering what else could be there. I've been with a sociopath before who was damned good at talking his way out of every possible scenario, made himself seem like the victim every time, and always coughed up amazing excuses for every wrongdoing he'd ever done. In the end, you just have to walk away from someone with such a history. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, but if you've never been married previously and don't have any kids, don't get involved in this kind of complication, especially not with someone who hasn't been completely upfront with you.
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
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He has always been there for me, no matter the circumstances. If something unfortunate happens to me, he''s there immediately to help, no questions, no complaints. If I''m having problems, he''s my listening ear. If I''ve forgotten to do something or I''ve left something behind, he always seems to know and remedies the situation. Being in a relationship with him has made me feel like part of an unbreakable, unstoppable team. He''s always on my side, and always quick to defend me.

I know the reasons he''s not there for his child. I know he has issues with his past. I know why he waited so long to tell me the truth. I understand all the whys and I can sympathize with them. But all I can think is that he''s got to be stronger than that.
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
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947
I had a good, long talk with his best friend on my lunch break. He understands my bf better than anyone. He''s no Kevin Federline. He has a good heart, and I know he''s told me the whole truth. His friend loves my bf, thinks he''s a great guy, but also agrees with me about him not being there for his son. He told me I have to do what''s best for me.

He''s so afraid, so ashamed of his past and the way people have judged him for it, that he''s kind of just froze. Again, no excuse, but I understand what he''s going through. But some people get dealt a bad hand and they rise above it, and they''re the better for it. He''s letting it interfere with his happiness and his relationship with his children. I can''t take it.
 

LAJennifer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2005
Messages
2,029
walk away. down the road, you will be glad you did. i wouldn''t be able to tolerate that level of dishonesty (no matter how understandable the reason) - definitely a deal breaker for me. also, i would fear to ever have children with him.
 

psaddict

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 9, 2006
Messages
105
I''m really sorry this happened. For one thing, I think he should not have waited so long to tell you. This information is something you should have found out within the first few weeks, not within the first 6 months. Also, while I''m sure that there are some women who lie about being on birth control, I''m sure it''s quite rare, as a woman would have to have a few screws loose to lie and trick someone into knocking them up. So, it''s really hard for me to believe that this happened to him not once but twice.
40.gif
 

Mara

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i totally agree with everyone else. there are some serious red flags up and waving right now. something like my new boyfriend having TWO kids i didn't know about AND him basically being up front that he doesn't feel he can be a good parent would be enough for me to move on and say sayonara. is this really baggage and issues you feel like taking on? thank goodness you are 6 months into the relationship, be grateful you aren't 2 years into it and just finding out these issues. there are plenty of fish out there in the sea...be sure that you want to *invest* more time and emotion into this one knowing full well it may not pay off for you in the end. good luck.
 

dawn74

Rough_Rock
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Sep 18, 2006
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Aloros -
First, I am so sorry that this has happened to you and that you are so sad. I know first hand how hard it can be to say goodbye to someone you love and care about.
But I have to say - I can only agree with what the other wise women here have said. These are serious red flags. This guy may be someone that you adore, who loves you back and who is your listening ear, but as you pointed out in your post - he''s not there for his son the way an upstanding guy should be. And that doesn''t bode well for your future together.
The simple fact is, he''s NOT who you thought he was if he kept something this important from you for six months. I know that''s harsh and it''s probably hard to hear, but I really think it''s true.
Everybody''s got things that they are ashamed of, everyone has made mistakes in their past. But mature adults own up to them and try to make them right. And they certainly don''t hide them from their loved ones for an extended period of time.
I think you already know what you need to do - you said as much here when you said you can''t be with someone who is there so little for their son.
You need to end this, and find someone who can love you and be honest with you in the way that you deserve.
You sound to me like a very strong, smart and determined lady. You can get through this.
We''ll be here to help.

Hugs!
 

IrishAngel7982

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Aloros~
I am so sorry you''re hurting right now. Honestly. That being said, get out now. You''ve said you can''t take it, and you shouldn''t. How can you trust him now? If you have children in the future, how can he be trusted to care for your kids? I know you care about him and he''s your listening ear, but you will find someone who will support you in every way possible without keeping huge secrets. We''re here for you, but really think about this ok? Good luck.
 

decodelighted

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First of all ... I''m also very sorry you''re hurting.

Date: 1/11/2007 4:51:48 PM
Author:Aloros
My bf says he doesn''t have the emotional capacity to be a good father, but if he can love me the way he does, I don''t see why he can''t do more for his son.

People tell you who they are. He is telling you who he is. ANYONE can love someone wholly & passionately for six months ... harder for 18 years or - a lifetime. Why can he love you & not his son ... it hasn''t been that long yet. And for that entire time he''s been pretending to be *someone else*. Someone you''d respect & be attracted to & consider a future with. I doubt very much you''d have considered the "real" him.

Level with yourself. Don''t be lured into continuing this charade by guilt ... guilt about not giving him a second chance ... guilt about "judging him" ... guilt about wanting more for yourself than a liar who neglects his children & has exes that are in & out of jail??? And you''re only hearing HIS SIDE of things! Can you imagine if you knew the whole truth? Which you never will learn from a habitual liar. Sorry to say.

You''re only 24 .. you have a long, long life ahead of you and hopefully this is just a lesson along your way -- at least that''s my humble opinion.
 

hlmr

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 21, 2004
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2,872
Ditto to everything Deco said!

This man is not taking responsibility for anything in his life. It was all the fault of others according to him......

It really breaks my heart that he can''t be there for his son when the mother isn''t there either. In my mind, there is no excuse for that (past history or not) and you and your future children (should you choose to have them) deserve so much more.

I hope you feel stronger soon.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
I am sorry to hear this. I always feel bad for anyone whose heart gets hurt.

But you are in denial. I could interchange you with at least a half a dozen women on the forum who were obviously in the same camp and you would all sound the same. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it''s true.

I know someone in my industry who has two children by two different women and has run away from both of them. I think he''s more of a snake, but plenty think he''s a charmer (and he does seem to be a nice guy). This is a man who "loves" women, but really only LOVES himself.
 

onedrop

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
Messages
2,216
I am really saddened by your situation. It''s heartbreaking to learn that someone that you loved so much was holding something so important back from you all this time. For me the lying would be bad enough, but his not being there for his own blood is a tell-tale sign of things to come and I really could not live with that. If not for me, then for any future kids that he and I would have. Just try to be strong and really consider if you could live in a relationship with all that you know about him.
 

Girlrocks

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 19, 2006
Messages
575
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think it's commendable that you won't compromise your moral integrity for love. I know that I also could not be with someone who was not a good dad to their kids, regardless of the circumstances leading up to their births. Stay strong and don't waiver...this is the writing on the wall. As Dr. Phil always says, the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. Good luck (and forgive me for quoting Dr. Phil, OK??).
emwink.gif


And you're right...it doesn't matter what has happened in your past, when you are a parent, you have to rise above that and put your kids first.
 

Hopes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2006
Messages
97
Date: 1/11/2007 5:33:30 PM
Author: Aloros
I had a good, long talk with his best friend on my lunch break. He understands my bf better than anyone. He's no Kevin Federline. He has a good heart, and I know he's told me the whole truth. His friend loves my bf, thinks he's a great guy, but also agrees with me about him not being there for his son. He told me I have to do what's best for me.

He's so afraid, so ashamed of his past and the way people have judged him for it, that he's kind of just froze. Again, no excuse, but I understand what he's going through. But some people get dealt a bad hand and they rise above it, and they're the better for it. He's letting it interfere with his happiness and his relationship with his children. I can't take it.
I'm sorry to put it like this, but any man who abandons his children does not have a good heart. I've been there, and I refuse to let that happen to my future children. My own father was never there in my life. Growing up from the age of 3 on, I've not seen him more than 10 times. That has shadowed over me the whole time I was growing up, and caused endless friction between me and my single-parenting mom. To this day I cannot forgive any man that could just not be there for their kids. Two kids by two different women. Let that sink in for a while -- even if he's no Kevin Federline, he's done practically the same thing!

It's about being an adult and taking responsibilities, not about whether you love the mother of your children. Children, as in one's offspring, for crying out loud! They are the people that you should be loving, caring for, giving to, teaching, encouraging, molding, and ultimately reap the reward in the fact that you raised them well. Just because his father abandoned him doesn't mean he can abandon his children! If anything, it should make him want to do more, because he knows what it's like. How does a grown man fear such a thing as being there for his children? That just makes me so upset.
38.gif


Since I'm talking about my life to warn you about how low a man can sink... last year my father had a kid with his second wife, also a girl. The last time I saw him, he was in town to see a woman who was not his wife -- this was before he had this kid. I'm sure he has the capacity to love a woman just fine when it's in the beginning stages. But long-term committment? I feel sorry for my half-sister, whom I'll never get to know. That's what has happened to your boyfriend's son, who will never know his half-sister either.

Does he even pay child support? My mom had no divorce settlement, went for years without child support, and finally when I was 14 or so managed to get some money from my father through the government. Does he give his children birthday presents? Christmas presents? Tell you what's funny... all the presents I've ever gotten from my father were pre-owned -- by him. Scumbag men like this don't change. Ever. I'm sure my father's past girlfriends/wives have all adored him, but where did that get them? Get out while you still can, with your life still in tact. I can't say the same for my mom, who never remarried and is pretty much ruined psychologically.
 

~*Alexis*~

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,751

OK..I had a short post before but I will lay this out for you...


This reminds me of my friend Kyle. I will say this, I have known and loved him for seven years. He has 2 kids. A boy and a girl. They are 8 days a part. Yeah I know.... He see''s his daughter when he can, he lives 200 miles away from his kids. The son, he does not see. Do I agree with is choice? No. Have I let him have it? Hell yeah. Does that mean he is a bad person? No, it just means he should not be a parent. Plain and simple. He knows this, as I have told him so. A REAL man would step up to his responsibilities and admit to his mistakes. TRUST ME I HAVE LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY!!!


When it comes to your relationship...


If he didn''t tell you for 6 months, then there are other reasons for him not telling you that he has not let out. People may not know, only him. That is his choice to tell you. However, there are red flags when it comes to him letting you know about something as important as a child, wait, 2 children. Not one. TWO.


You may think thats ok, I understand it all, however, there are 2 other women in the picture. You have only heard his side, there are 2 sides to every story. Well, according to this story, there are 4. If he cannot be a father, how can he be in a relationship with someone? Especially when he is not honest. You got blindsided. That is not your fault. He should have told you from the get-go that he had children. Maybe not on the first date, but at least when things started getting serious.


Somethings you need to think about..
You say you love him and want to be with him and he is wanting to be with you for the long haul...
...if he REALLY loved you would the love of your life, be decietful? No.
..if he REALLY loved you would he have lied and hid the truth about his children? No.
...if he really loved you would he have mislead you to believe that you were the only woman in his life? No.
...This guy is the one for you? Probably not. Only your heart can decide that.
Are you ready for...
Phone calls from their mothers? (his kids I mean)
Ready to be a step-mom? Because if you choose to stay with him, you are the instant step-parent..reguardless if you see his kids or not.
Support his kids financially if you get married? If you choose to I mean...
Always wonder if he is telling you the entire truth?
Start to wonder what else he is not telling you?

If he had told you from the start of your relationship would you have stayed with him?


There is no relationship with out LOVE and HONESTY. There may be love, but everything in life is about being responsible, honest, caring and having the integrity to admit when you have made mistakes.


I would be very cautious in keeping this relationship. I am saying this from a prospective that only you and I can understand. Because I have been there. If you wanna talk, let me know. I will be objective and understanding as I can be.


Good Luck!

 

aquarius_ser

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 12, 2006
Messages
269
Would be an easy decision for me.... I''d turn around and run, as fast as I could....

There are too many other fish in the sea, girl...
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2006
Messages
947
Ok, so I found out some more from a close mutual friend. It turns out it''s not as bad as I thought. He does see his son more often (though not as often as I would like, honestly) and it''s not as secret as I thought it was. It turns out all his good friends know and have met his son. He also speaks on him with the phone often. He said he''s planning on visiting him more in the future after he quits his side job.

I spoke with my bf and asked him more about his son, and it does sound like he knows him pretty well - his likes and dislikes, his personality, the way he behaves, etc. I feel better having heard him talk about his son because it is pretty obvious that he loves him a lot. It also sounds like he has a lot of regrets about not being financially stable earlier on so he could have custody. He put himself through school and picked a career path where he could make a good deal of money with a master''s degree. But his son is 9 now and it sounds like he is happy where he is.

He does pay child support and keeps updated about his daughter through phone and email.

I''m still pissed he took so long to tell me. Sounds like he beat himself up pretty badly over that, and I know he tried to tell me a couple of times, thinking back, but the fact is, he didn''t. I can understand to a point...there were a couple things I should have told him from the start that I didn''t, but I was afraid he''d think differently of me. Not as big as kids, mind you, but big enough. At any rate, it''s all out in the open now.

I say I don''t like children, but deep down, I really do. I used to babysit a lot, teach swimming lessons, and volunteered at an elementary school. None of which is even close to step-parenting, but I know I''m capable of it. I don''t have a problem with him speaking with his exes, especially if there are children involved. He doesn''t have a problem with me speaking with my ex.

I''m going to try and make this work (I know, I know). I talked to my older brother, and he told me that it doesn''t matter if he has two children, what matters is whether or not I am happy. And if at any point it feels like I am not and that will not change, then I shouldn''t be in the relationship. If at any point I feel like he is being less than completely honest and open with me, or I feel like I actually can''t deal with the fact that he has children, then I''m out.

I hope I''m not making a huge mistake.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
A story:

Boy meets girl

Boy asks girl out. Boy is everything girl has ever dreamt of.

Boy and girl fall in love.

Girl goes away for weekend to see family. Boy has car accident - hit by train. Boy spends 8 weeks in hospital after nearly dying 3 times.

Girl goes to visit every day and becomes ever more besotted and boy promises girl the earth.

One day girl goes to hospital and discovers boy''s 5 year old daughter there.

Girl thinks it will work after boy explains relationship with ''mad and evil ex-wife who drove him away''.
Boy gets out of hospital and real life begins to resume. Girl discovers marriage lasted 10 months and wife was 6 months pregnant on wedding day. Girl finds it difficult when he speaks to wife on phone and goes away to see child odd weekends - but love will conquer all...

As relationship gets more serious girl begins to ask when boy is going to file for divorce.

Boy invents 10,000,000 reasons why he can''t. Girl starts to look at boy objectively and realises that wife is actually quite similar to girl and not evil and mad. In fact has every right to be angry when he fails to pay maintenance for daughter when he is a Director at major fashion label and earns $$$$$ or when boy tells daughter that he was nearly killed because it makes him feel good to see her cry and afraid to lose him - despite everyone else being so careful not to frighten her when he was in hospital.

Boy takes girl to look at new houses. Girl feels that boy is totally committed.

Next day, girl discovers that boy is seeing work colleague and is thinking of moving into new house with her.

8 months later:

Boy repeats above with work colleague.

6 years later:

Girl gets engaged to wonderful man with no kids, no ex-wives, no secrets and they drive off into the sunset together...

Meanwhile boy is still not divorced and is still charming girls who all thing that with them it will be different, he''s just so misunderstood etc


That was my story 6 years ago. My advice, get out and run. My heart was broken too. Then I realised I''d had a lucky escape - and I met a man who is 1000 times more wonderful in everyway than this one.

As my mother said at the time: People don''t change, he walked out on 1 woman , he''ll do it again, life is hard enough when it''s just you, your husband and your children, why make things more difficult if you don''t have to.
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Date: 1/12/2007 11:44:07 AM
Author: Aloros
I hope I''m not making a huge mistake.

Um ... pretty sure even you already know that you ARE.

Your brother''s young too, huh? Plain ol'' "happy" is the ticket? Not shared morals/goals/honesty/emotional integrity???

In the words of probably everyone who''s met or even *seen* Britney Spears in the last two years ... "Whatever".
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
sorry but it sounds like you''re making alot of excuses and justifying the situation. however, once someone starts doing this, there is nothing anyone (especially anonymous bloggers!) can do to convince the person otherwise. seen it many times!

personally, i think you finding out he has had more contact with his son than ZERO and that he does seem to love his son really pales in comparison to the fact that he never mentioned any of this to you and seems to have quite a bit of baggage. it''s a pretty daunting way to start a relationship, and as we all know, relationships get more challenging as time goes on so you''ll have quite a ride ahead of you.

also don''t really get the way you describe kids..like, hm, maybe you do like them, you babysat..it''s a much deeper decision than that, but i''m sure this is pretty obvious stuff.
good luck w/everything
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2006
Messages
947
He never abandoned either woman. The first was incarcerated shortly after his son''s birth, the second he wanted to marry to make it work so his daughter would have a normal family. He didn''t want to repeat what had happened with his son. She dumped him and started dating other people.

I don''t understand why he would stop being loving and affectionate towards me. He hasn''t changed in that despite all the time we spend together. He goes above and beyond for his friends, and they''ve been around a lot longer than I have.

When I said he was charming, I meant he is charming to me, and not in the swept me off my feet way. Most people don''t like him much at first because he''s very blunt and to the point. But that, to me, is one of the things I like about him because I''m very much the same way.

He''s not perfect by any means, but he''s perfect for me.
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2006
Messages
947
Oh jeez, I sound like an idiot.
38.gif


I almost want to slap myself.

I waver from one extreme to the other. He has such a good heart, he treats me so well, and he really gets me. Is that ever enough?
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
I was trying not to reply to this thread, but your last post made me want to say something. I agree with everyone that you should at least be careful and it might be in your best interest to leave this situation before it gets worse. I think you want to see this more as witholding information rather than an actual lie because it makes things easier to deal with. And I completely think that he should have told you at the beginning of the relationship, whether or not such a question ever came up. The thing that makes me even more nervous is that he won''t take credit for the position he has gotten himself in. It wasn''t HIS fault they got pregnant, he can''t see his son as often because of his side job, and he pays child support so it''s alright that he doesn''t see his daughter. They are just excuses for situations that he does not want to own up to. And I''m not saying that no one on this forum has ever lied, because everyone has, but lying is a sign of immaturity which you are supposed to grow out of. If he is afraid to tell you all this, what else is he afraid to tell you? There have to be consequences when someone lies, and you shouldn''t have to worry constantly about whether or not you are being told the complete story. Whatever happens, do what is best for you. Good luck!

*M*
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2006
Messages
947
He does see his daughter, just not as often because she lives several states away now.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Date: 1/12/2007 12:19:47 PM
Author: Aloros
He does see his daughter, just not as often because she lives several states away now.
Well, that''s understandable if she is not very close, but it seems to me, from what you''ve said, that he doesn''t really make a huge effort to see his children. That to me would be a big problem.

*M*
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
He lied to you, and not just about a little thing like how many exes he has... It''s about his children. They are supposed to be the most important living beings on this Earth for him... If they were, he wouldn''t have lied about them. If I were you, I''d stay as far away as possible.
 

fire&ice

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2002
Messages
7,828
Gosh, I hate to hard because everyone makes mistakes - BUT - I would be less concerned with his having two children and more concerned about his *choices*. He chose not to tell you. He chose to become involved with someone who wasn''t faithful & has a baby with her. Then, he becomes involved with another women who committed a crime serious enough to be incarceratedl & he becomes a father again - with the same lie that the women is on birth control.

Just makes you wonder. Sorry.
 
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