Is this weird? A "divorce shower?"

[ame]

THANK YOU ALL. It's been dragging on, and its taken me a while to not be a total shitshow about it.

Since you're asking, I'd guess you have reason for doubt? I think the expectations just vary. It used to be (where I'm from anyway) that there were clear "rules" for any social situation. For example, showers were for first weddings and first babies only and you weren't supposed to say what you needed or where you were registered unless you were asked (because you were never supposed to seem like you were expecting a gift).

I do think it's...odd. I am not a gift-grabby person, I love to give them, I am weird about accepting them. I have no plans to host anything myself, but I won't fight it if they insist on doing it themselves.

And... I'd give you the shirt off my back (cuz my boobs look great).

You're the best, I love you.

Having gone through a brutal divorce which required an out of state move with young children, I would (looking back on that experience) not think twice about helping a friend with their starting over process. I had a few dedicated friends who basically stocked my entire kitchen, bought me a broom, one of them brought a snow shovel and salt for my walkway. I will NEVER forget it!

That would be unforgettable to me also. I feel like that is a good "trend" of paying it forward to anyone you know in the situation. I am glad that in this case there are no kids involved, because it's already stressful enough.

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. Divorce is so hard. I hope for you that things get easier very soon.

I can understand why it seems weird to you. I'm a bit old school in that I don't think one should throw a party in their own honor. I also don't think gifts should ever be requested and what one wants should only be mentioned if someone asks. If someone close to me was going through a hard time I would want to help them and would make that offer privately. I probably wouldn't appreciate them creating a registry as that can seem like asking for/expecting gifts. I personally would be uncomfortable with this.
Your circle may have very different expectations than mine so consider that.

Thank you. Yea I would DEFINITELY not host anything on my own. I think it's super odd, though anyone I've asked about it seems on board with someone throwing a housewarming/starting over kind of thing. My mom and dad and I all think ..."that seems so weird" and I am not usually someone who WANTS gifts, but I love to give them.

 

[ame]

How about letting PSers help you spec your bits and pieces?

Some of us are very good at spending other people's money!

DK

Yea this crowd is excellent at that!!!

 

[Rhea]

It depends on what your nearest and dearest think and want to do. If you were one of my closest friends, I'd be all for it. If you were one of my acquaintances, I wouldn't want to know or be involved.

In general, I think showers are very grabby. I didn't have a wedding one and I don't participate in baby ones, which are sadly and unfortunately becoming more common here in the UK.

Divorce is the one time I think, throw that party! It's a difficult time which has huge challenges and being surrounded by close friends to pick you up and help out is wonderful. I'm also for a Starting Over shower. That's a great idea!

 

[Calliecake]

Ame, What a wonderful thing for your aunt and cousin to do for you. Your close friends are going to want to help in anyway they can. I hope you are doing ok and glad you are getting support from your family and friends.

Consider this shower a bright spot. When going through hard life changing events (which a divorce is), don’t we need all need bright spots?

 

[dk168]

@ame are you on LT so that I could contact you please?

DK

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Sorry @ame that you're going through this!

How great your relatives will throw that party for you!

In order to really leave it up to the guests, the organisators of the party could just send the link to an Amazon wish list when asked by guests.

I personally am very critical of the whole "shower this and shower that " trend , like @Rhea .

That said, often people do want to make a gift. I've experienced it for my babies : we politely told everyone that we feel blessed already, no gifts needed. I've learned that many people will still give a gift, which is so very sweet. In that case a registry is handy for both parties. Less running around for the gifting party, practical stuff for the recipient. Otherwise you'll end up with 10 pots and no pans, cookware not adapted to your stove (if it's induction that really sucks) .
IMHO it can be done elegantly and n a Non-pushy way. If someone doesn't even ask about a present and just wants to celebrate - no harm done.

 

[doberman]

A shower? Not sure about that, frankly it strikes me as inappropriate. But if you were my friend and I knew you needed things I'd gladly give you a gift if you had a generic housewarming party or if you invited me to your new place.

 

[PintoBean]

The second divorce - is the party a divorce sprinkle?

 

[mrs-b]

I'd defiitely have a 'starting over' party, but not a divorce shower (the idea behind a shower being that we shower the party girl/boy with gifts). I also think showers are for younger people who haven't had the chance yet to establish their own finances. For more mature people, I think it's a reasonable expectation that they be financially self-sufficient.

So I'd definitely make this a no-gift-but-bring-a-bottle party.

On the other hand, if this was a close friend of mine, or a beloved family member, I'd have already asked if there was anything they needed, and I'd have already bought that. But for those people who already know you're divorced and haven't asked - they've pretty much already answered the question as to whether they want to help you out in this way. Since divorce showers aren't really common, it's not like they're 'waiting for the divorce shower' to give you their gift. They already know you're divorced and if they cared enough to help you start over, would have already done so.

So, again, I'd make it a party, but with no gifts. And I think registering it is pretty tacky. I mean, divorce is, in essence, a sad thing, not something to celebrate, even when it's a positive step forward and a downright relief.

 

[ame]

@ame are you on LT so that I could contact you please?

DK

I am, I recently bumped a post on the sale threads that should take you there

 

[ame]

thanks everyone for your feedback!

 

[LemonMoonLex]

Yes, a divorce shower IMO feels tacky & I'd feel crappy that bringing a gift was implied for a situation where they usually aren't.

I honestly think it's just time to make that money girl! You are strong and capable. Give yourself time to grieve and feel the pain and then go out there and kick a$$!
If you have to go back to school or take time to learn a trade- go for it!

The world is yours & it's out there waiting for you, also if you want him, the right man will be out there waiting also!

For me having an empty apartment would fuel me and make me want to better myself and have the money to make it just the way I like. I also think that we as a society can be too cushy when others fail/ or fall down. Falling down is apart of it all and feeling that low helps us grow.

& Don't worry this is coming from a gal who's parents cushioned her as much as they could before I had to come out and say "Look you guys doing this will never help me or make me learn those lessons!" I needed them to drop me and let go in order to learn how to adult properly.

It's scary but you got this!
Also do take advantage of a favor if someone offers right now. If they ask you if you need anything don't hesitate to be honest!

Sending well wishes of strength & love your way!

 

[doberman]

thanks everyone for your feedback!

Forgot to say I'm sorry about your divorce. I'm sure it was very rough, and hope you're doing well now.

 

[MMtwo]

I love the idea, I really hate "divorce shower" as a name. I would call it a housewarming shower. That's positive and loving and I have no doubt that the people who love you would like to do something for you. You've been through a lot.

It's scary to start over, live alone...and be your own safety net.For me it was pretty scary at first. In time, I got my sea legs. I became self dependent and umpteen years later I remarried....long ramble, but yes, let those who want to give you love, give you some love!

Wishing you a bunch of luck and new adventures.

 

[dk168]

I watched my own mother being stuck with my dad for all these years as she did not have the means to leave him.

After an incident when I was 14, shortly before I came to UK to study, I swore I would be financially independent when I grew up, and worked hard to be where I am today.

When my dad died, I thought my mum would be relieved. Yet she really missed him, and found it difficult to cope without him to start with. However, with time, she went out more and more, her confidence grew, made new friends, and she is always out and about nowadays!

The downside of being fiercely independent for me is that, I find it difficult to compromise in a relationship, as can be confirmed by my dismal relationship history!

Good job I like my own company!

Good luck @ame - life is like a book, and you are about to write your next unwritten chapter.

DK

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think a pre-housewarming shower would be a very nice thing for family and close friends to do. But I will tell you that when our youngest daughter got married last year, they had not lived together and he had had 3 boys as roommates, so they had zero coming into moving in together! Yes, they did get plenty of wedding gifts, but we found SO many great pieces of furniture and other household items on Facebook Marketplace and they ended up with a really cute apartment fully furnished! So don't forget second hand shops..in nice areas you can also find bargains at Habitat Restores, and other second hand charity shops.

Hugs to you, Ame! Hope you can move forward soon!

 

[canuk-gal]

Ame, What a wonderful thing for your aunt and cousin to do for you. Your close friends are going to want to help in anyway they can. I hope you are doing ok and glad you are getting support from your family and friends.

Consider this shower a bright spot. When going through hard life changing events (which a divorce is), don’t we need all need bright spots?

+ a billion

 

[qubitasaurus]

For me having an empty apartment would fuel me and make me want to better myself and have the money to make it just the way I like. I also think that we as a society can be too cushy when others fail/ or fall down. Falling down is apart of it all and feeling that low helps us grow.

& Don't worry this is coming from a gal who's parents cushioned her as much as they could before I had to come out and say "Look you guys doing this will never help me or make me learn those lessons!" I needed them to drop me and let go in order to learn how to adult properly.

I think this mat be one of the benefits of your 20s, it can be exciting to be able to do all these things. As you feel like your defining yourself, and y'know your learning how to adult properly. Its exhilirating, and exciting that your going to get to make choices over whats in your house and then youll associate those things with the life youve built for yourself -- sort of like emblems/visible signs you made it. We also have more time and energy when we are younger for these things (its built into the kind of jobs we have and the lack of kids).

I think a decade or so later, you kind of realize you have to re-evaluate a lot of stuff (even the above). Many things take two people to work on them to solve, and the adulting properly part actually litterally becomes about recognizing you cant fix it by yourself. Now being an adult has nothing to do with working out how youll get a kettle (what type, etc) for the bench. And kind of everything to do with accepting that working on something (like a marriage) as hard as you can isnt neccesarily enough (and it may not even be the right thing to do.).

I would be happy helping anyone who was trying to go through that and reestablish themselves -- would probably have a lot more enthusiasm for helping someone reestablish themselves, than for picking cooking appliances for a first shifting out of home/house warming or a wedding registry full of more upmarket cooking appliances for a newly wed couple.

But its a bit socially unconventional, and I might let someone quietly handle a list of gifts -- so people dont feel like theyre expected to gift something just to come see you. The people will be far more important than the appliances in the next couple of months/years.

Its easy to see from this thread that youre going to get a divided house -- some will think its a brilliant idea, others will wish they were giving you gifts to cellebrate something more uplifting.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

THANK YOU ALL. It's been dragging on, and its taken me a while to not be a total shitshow about it.

I do think it's...odd. I am not a gift-grabby person, I love to give them, I am weird about accepting them. I have no plans to host anything myself, but I won't fight it if they insist on doing it themselves.

You're the best, I love you.


That would be unforgettable to me also. I feel like that is a good "trend" of paying it forward to anyone you know in the situation. I am glad that in this case there are no kids involved, because it's already stressful enough.

Thank you. Yea I would DEFINITELY not host anything on my own. I think it's super odd, though anyone I've asked about it seems on board with someone throwing a housewarming/starting over kind of thing. My mom and dad and I all think ..."that seems so weird" and I am not usually someone who WANTS gifts, but I love to give them.

I'd happy buy someone a toaster in your situation
with out wanting a flash back to a 60s bride getting 6 toasters there are alot of relatively inexpensive things that soon add up to mega bucks when you are setting up a home

we went from a one bedroom flat to a mid century 4 bedroom house when we moved almost 3 years ago, we were able to buy essential new stuff but i would have loved for my mum or an aunty or mum in law to give me an old set of drawers or an old mirror - saddly all those people were dead and their old stuff was long ago disposed of

 

[Big Fat Facets]

@ame

this too shall pass...

huge huge hugs

IT. WILL. GET. BETTER.

you've demonstrated great courage already by choosing something different for yourself.

be kind and gentle on yourself.

if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever...
how would i contact you to give you my contact info.??

is there direct or private message here??

 

[LemonMoonLex]

I think this mat be one of the benefits of your 20s, it can be exciting to be able to do all these things. As you feel like your defining yourself, and y'know your learning how to adult properly. Its exhilirating, and exciting that your going to get to make choices over whats in your house and then youll associate those things with the life youve built for yourself -- sort of like emblems/visible signs you made it. We also have more time and energy when we are younger for these things (its built into the kind of jobs we have and the lack of kids).

I think a decade or so later, you kind of realize you have to re-evaluate a lot of stuff (even the above). Many things take two people to work on them to solve, and the adulting properly part actually litterally becomes about recognizing you cant fix it by yourself. Now being an adult has nothing to do with working out how youll get a kettle (what type, etc) for the bench. And kind of everything to do with accepting that working on something (like a marriage) as hard as you can isnt neccesarily enough (and it may not even be the right thing to do.).

I would be happy helping anyone who was trying to go through that and reestablish themselves -- would probably have a lot more enthusiasm for helping someone reestablish themselves, than for picking cooking appliances for a first shifting out of home/house warming or a wedding registry full of more upmarket cooking appliances for a newly wed couple.

But its a bit socially unconventional, and I might let someone quietly handle a list of gifts -- so people dont feel like theyre expected to gift something just to come see you. The people will be far more important than the appliances in the next couple of months/years.

Its easy to see from this thread that youre going to get a divided house -- some will think its a brilliant idea, others will wish they were giving you gifts to cellebrate something more uplifting.

I'm sorry, maybe you could elaborate more, but I'm not really sure what the point is that you're trying to make in relation to my comment?

 

[qubitasaurus]

I'm sorry, maybe you could elaborate more, but I'm not really sure what the point is that you're trying to make in relation to my comment?

Yes you're right, I some how wrote that very obtusely and changed topic from commenting on the previous post to saying something more general about how happy I would be to attend a divorce party (and bring a gift) midway through the post. Sorry I am supposed to be working as I have so much to do this weekend -- and I am bored lol. So I wrote it(/am writing) extremely poorly.

I thought that there were two distinct situations and the post maybe didn't distinguish between them. (a) youre young and moving out for the first time and just need to gather the funds to set yourself up for your amazing new life. And we throw a housewarming party to get you on your feet and pad your pockets a little. (b) you need to start again, you probably have enough funds to stock the kitchen for your amazing new life (and the money may not really be the immediate barrier) but you really need your friends and family to rally around you now as it is daunting to start again. And a party is about supporting you emotionally as much as anything else.

(a) is very much the vibe I got off the post, sort of like the world is your oyster and the parents are trying to help the little bird out of the nest -- I guess this comes from my background and fond memories of my parents holding my hand repeatedly. (failing was about having temporary set backs where I set dinner on fire yet again, or ummm didn't know I needed to transfer a bond before I picked up the keys for my new apartment. Whoops no appartment for me, lol.). It's sweet and the gift of our 20s that we have such loving memories.

(b) is where I would go in to bat for someone. I can't imagine losing my marriage -- I am so sorry ame. Yet I can think of so many things were I just want a bunch of people to come celebrate the change with me, cause otherwise there is a decent chance I'll cry my way through the event instead. I would send someone presents/(a gift) in this situation not because I wanted to furnish their house, but because I wanted them to look at the kitchen counter and remember all the people that care about them (and I wouldn't see it as having anything to do with crowd funding/sourcing a new kitchen. Rather to do with the fact that we all know life is a really hot mess most of the time. Sh*t you did a good job pulling it together, and now we are going to celebrate this fact.)

I think this is because I inherently see (a) and (b) as so very very different in intent, meaning, and circumstance.

 

[Calliecake]

Perfectly said @qubitasaurus

 

[ame]

Just to make sure there's no confusion--this is not something I came up with, nor would I be the one hosting this. I am trying to decide how I feel about my family wanting to do this and asking me to consider it.

I am also over 40 if that impacts anything, but I do pay a lot of money to look like I am much younger

@ame

this too shall pass...

huge huge hugs

IT. WILL. GET. BETTER.

you've demonstrated great courage already by choosing something different for yourself.

be kind and gentle on yourself.

if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever...
how would i contact you to give you my contact info.??

is there direct or private message here??

No, there's no private function on here unfortunately but I appreciate very much that you guys are all here and a good sounding board.

 

[Big Fat Facets]

Just to make sure there's no confusion--this is not something I came up with, nor would I be the one hosting this. I am trying to decide how I feel about my family wanting to do this and asking me to consider it.

I am also over 40 if that impacts anything, but I do pay a lot of money to look like I am much younger


I love it!!! To take care of oneself is first and foremost.

cheers to you!!!

 

[Calliecake]

@ame , Very few us get thru life without having times where things are difficult, regardless of age. None of us know what life has in store for us. Divorce is hard. The great thing about life is it can also completely turn around and you can find yourself in a wonderful place.

If your friends and family want to do something to help you, please let them. Many of us feel genuinely happy knowing our actions can help someone and are also smart enough to know that we would be grateful for others helping us if we needed help.

 

[Phanie]

I am sorry you are going through a divorce, it is hard no matter what.
I love the idea of a divorce shower. Scrap that a New start shower.
Make a list but seriously put stuff on it that is good quality. Noy just crappy bottom price cheap.
If you cook get some nice stuff.

 

[PintoBean]

@ame is going to have the most fabulous wishlist. I know it. Please don't put Matthew McConaughey on it.

When @lovedogs put a gofundme together after that former-human-now-ashes-in-a-metal-container-in-a-cement-wall aka husband, died, I first panicked because I didn't want people to think I was in financial fires. No problem, I told everyone that, and they understood. And I'm so thankful she did it because the little pledges of $$ here and there meant a lot. The notes that accompanied them meant even more, like @Resonance.Of.Life saying, "for your chocolate croissants".

And the super lovingly packaged theme based care package i got from @ame... <3 I needed support and she gave it in her own special way.

Yeah a divorce shower is not common, BUT the fact that she has friends and family around her, actively trying to find creative ways to rally around her, really warms my heart. That's the least she deserves.

 

[Tekate]

I think a divorce shower would be totally inappropriate, but if your family wants to show you love and caring and has a party with no gifts please! on the evite - that would be caring and wonderful and so loving.

Divorce opens up all doors and your life will be much happier in time. At least it was for me.

 

[Tekate]

I think PB this suggestion is wonderful.. in my day;

1 wedding - 1-3 showers by mom, mil etc
1 BABY SHOWER just one even if you had 12 kids

But in my day when people died everyone came and brought food and caring so that is where I come from, but setting up a STARTING OVER FRIENDS AND FAM! on Amazon or somewhere is perfect.. great idea.