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is it possible to raise kids that wont resent you when they''re grown up?

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Mara

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You cannot predict the future. You can only do the best that you can do with the tools you are given and know that it was your best and that needs to be enough. Of course it''s possible to raise kids that won''t resent you... hardly anyone I know ''resents'' their parents...but as you said most adults at some point realize that their parents were fallible, human and made bad decisions from time to time through life. That is just life...no one is perfect. I would not try to set yourself up so that in the future your kid NEVER thinks you should have done something differently, that''s unrealistic IMO.
 

Allisonfaye

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Date: 4/8/2009 7:55:01 AM
Author: ksinger
Disclaimer: I''m 46 and have no kids. Missed that boat. HOWEVER, every subsequent word is channeled from my mother, who raised a child alone in the 60s and 70s. In my mid-30s we had extensive discussions of why she made the parenting choices she did, and what her parenting philosophy was. Sad in a way that I didn''t get to use any of them. For the record, I never resented her, even as a kid. But it wasn''t because she fretted about it, I can tell you. LOL! Heck, I wasn''t ALLOWED to show resentment! She''d say, ''Get that LOOK off your face right now!'' And you did! Seriously, in hindsight, every step that woman took was golden. I admired her immensely for that focus and for keeping her eye on the big picture.

So I can see her taking a sip of coffee, a drag on a cigarette (and if there is anything I ever resented, it was THOSE), shaking her head, and saying, ''Well, if she''s worried about whether her kids are going to resent her or not, she''s already lost.''


I''ve seen this more times than I can tell you. Parents making their choices on how to rear children based on their need to be LIKED, or whether their kids are HAPPY. Big mistake. Love your kids, say no and MEAN IT, teach them that while they''re important, they are NOT the bright hot center of any universe except their own, and don''t make your own decisions based on your need to be liked, and for God''s sake don''t try to be their friend. It ain''t a popularity contest. Children don''t have the emotional capacity to meet your complex adult needs. They do however, have an inate ability to sense when you''re leaning on them emotionally and know instinctively that you''re putting the cart before the horse. They WILL resent that. Kids like to know their parents are in control of the situation - meaning, especially when they''re young, they don''t want to see you sweat, or see any of your angst. Later you can let them see your complex flaws, but seeing that too young is upsetting for them.

On a personal note, I''ve seen the damage that worrying about being liked can do. One friend has an 18 year old who will not speak to him, and another friend is on the path. And all because they''re trying to meet their emotional needs through their children.

There''s more that I could channel, but work beckons. I would suggest reading this. It covers it pretty well to my way of thinking. It is how I was raised, and I suspect it was the way some of us older people on here were raised.

The Kindergarchy
I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 year old and I can''t tell you the number of times when I have enforced whatever rule that we have (and my kids know our rules) and my 5 year old says, " I love you, Mommy''. It is like she appreciates that the boundaries are clear to her and that they are enforced.
 

MakingTheGrade

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I"m only 3 years from my teens, hehe, but I feel like my relationship with my folks has improved ever since I left home and went to college, haha. Teenagers will mostly likely find something to resent about you, and almost all of them will rebel, but if you communicate well with you kids, make sure they know they are loved and respected, then things should be fine after the tumultuous teen years :)

My biggest critique over my parents' way of raising me was that they never made me feel like my opinions were respected. They were, and still are, convinced that they know what's best for me, and it can be pretty infuriating at times, especially when they'll try to "trick" me into doing things I don't want to do, sigh. So if I had to give one tip, it would be to try to let your kids know that you really do listen to them, and respect how they feel. Because even if they are dead wrong in their logic, their emotions will feel as real and as right as any argument in the world, and they'll probably resent you if you dismiss it out of hand. Boundaries are necessary of course, but they can't really be based on the "because I say so" argument after they reach a certain age.

One day I plan to have kids, I hope to do a good job, but I'm fully prepared for them to be hellkites as teenagers, and probably hate me at least a few times, lol. But I'm hoping to lay down a foundation of love, communication, and mutual respect so that after all the head-butting and fighting, I can still be their friend when they're all grown up.
 

LaraOnline

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Date: 4/16/2009 9:16:05 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
My biggest critique over my parents' way of raising me was that they never made me feel like my opinions were respected. They were, and still are, convinced that they know what's best for me, and it can be pretty infuriating at times, especially when they'll try to 'trick' me into doing things I don't want to do, sigh. So if I had to give one tip, it would be to try to let your kids know that you really do listen to them, and respect how they feel. Because even if they are dead wrong in their logic, their emotions will feel as real and as right as any argument in the world, and they'll probably resent you if you dismiss it out of hand. Boundaries are necessary of course, but they can't really be based on the 'because I say so' argument after they reach a certain age.

Interesting quote. It think there are so many ways to resent your parents.
I guess I resented my mum because basically she gave us no supervision, advice, boundaries or support! She was in many ways absent, emotionally and physically as well.
We were seen as 'sensible' kids, we still managed to get ourselves to school everyday, feed ourselves and did well at school, so she was seen as doing a great job!

However, I don't think we (particularly I, the oldest) was as resilient as she liked to think. I tried to make the best choices... but to be honest, I was really floundering...

Often times in my own experience, it's not until I've been MUCH older that I can look back and see where I was off track... I don't think I would have taken direction well, in any case...

too much interference / not enough interference... parenting is a complicated game...
 
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