Is it better to have children young (under 30) or older 31+?

[eks6426]

This is kind of a companion to the ticking clock question.


Do you think it is better to have children while you are still in your 20s or wait until 30s or even 40s? Why?

 

[Mara]

if i had found my mate in my 20's and been ready then i think that could have been better...because then they are out of the house when you are still fairly young and able to still have fun...and also hopefully have more money when you are older to enjoy life, travel and do all the stuff you didn't get to when you were raising kids.

but when you are older like 30's then you chances are have more material wealth but when you have a child then, they will leave the house when you are in late 40's or maybe even 50's and you and your maye may be less able to travel as much or whatever, depending on health. some people prefer to get it over with sooner, others don't mind it later because they can maybe offer their child more than when they were young, both from a material and experience/wisdom perspective.

but alot of people are not marrying til later now, so they missed that first chance in 20's to have kids and so are going to have them later regardless. so then it's kind of like well do you really need kids to complete you?

someone on here recently said something about well do i want to be worrying about bobby's college fund at age 50 or getting ready to retire. that is totally something to think about. we think about it too.

i don't think there is any RIGHT answer, it's so different depending on the person and where you were in your 20's vs 30's or even 40's. some people feel like they missed the chance so it's gone for good, others still want to make it happen and others aren't sure. some had kids in early 20's when they didn't plan it but it worked out...etc. just depends on the person and family!

 

[pebbles]

I agree with everything Mara said. It is a very personal decision.

I had my first at age 30 (gosh, that sounds so old!) I didn''t get married until age 27 though, so that had something to do with it. My husband and I have said we wished we were younger when we met and had starting having kids younger than we did. My mom was/is a younger mom and I was already in grammer school by the time she was my age. I liked having a younger mom. Not that I am ancient,

but I hope I am not mistaken for my kids'' grandmother when they are older.

Something to take into consideration obviously is that your fertility decreases dramatically after age 35. I have seen several family members and friends struggle with infertility and all have said they wish they had started trying sooner. You also have increased risk of gestational diabets, pre-eclampsia and other health problems the older you are when you become pregnant.

 

[E B]

I think it just depends. Under 20 is too young for most (if not all) in my opinion, but sometimes, it happens. I think mid-twenties to early thirties is perfect...but really, when you''re ready is when it''s best. My fiance and I come from two extremes...his mom was 23 (Dad, 22) when she had him, and my mom was 37 (Dad, 29) when she gave birth to me!

For us, I think we''ll be ready at 25-26. I''m 22 now and I know I''ve got quite a bit to do before we can even think about conceiving, but we''d still like to have them fairly young.

 

[LittleRock]

I ponder this question myself somedays.....when I am pulling my hair out cuz my little ones keep me so busy. And quite frankly I feel there are days I can hardly keep up with my youngest who is 2 1/2. She is a terror and has very sticky fingers and into everything!!! Oh by the way I am 34 years old. I have three children 5, 6, and the terror two year old. The first two are 17 months apart. Somedays I wish I had children in my early twenties. But DH and I were still gelling as a newly married couple. BUT when we had our first I was 28 and so very ready for a baby. It really was perfect timing. Then 7 months later we found out we were expecting number two. Boy if you could see DH face when I held the preg. stick up to him while he was holding our fairly new son asking, "Does that look pink to you?"

All the color drained out of his face!

I think all and all being a parent is hard no matter what the age and just peoples curcumstances in general. (Sorry that really wasn't an answer to the question just my two cents)

So I guess for me it's not having the energy I would like from my mid twenties rather than later. Or maybe I just need a better vitamin......

 

[mrssalvo]

I agree that when you marry, how long you''ve been married are a huge factor. I didn''t get married until 27 and hubby was 35. We waited 2 years to have our first which was good for us. We had our second less than 2 years later because hubby was almost 40 and didn''t want to wait too much longer. Being up in the middle of the night gets harder the older you get.

 

[elepri]

Well, the best time physiologically to have children is in your 20s, which for me was certainly not the best time emotionally, financially, or in many other ways. Obviously it''s a combination of many factors that go into the decision on when to have children. For me, it''ll be early-to-mid 30s because it wasn''t even something I wanted before and now I fell we''re (almost) ready. Even if I''d met my husband when I was younger, I don''t think i would''ve been ready any sooner. I do want to be done by 35 though, before all the serious fertility problems really start.

 

[hlmr]

There are definitely pros and cons to both case scenarios.

Physiologically it is better to have them in your twenties. Our bodies haven''t evolved yet to allow all women to have children later in life. I also think you are more flexible/adaptable and have more patience when you are younger than you do when you are in your mid to late thirties. It also allows you to have them grown when you are still young enough to enjoy travelling, further schooling or career enjoyment, etc. In some ways you get to grow up with them too, as you are not as far off in age from them as you are later in life, therefore sometimes making it easier to relate to them.

You are generally better off financially if you are older and therefore less stress from lack of funds. You are ususally more mature in your thirties and ready to focus on your children instead of mostly yourself. This maturity can be benefical in how you bring your children up as well, as you will probably be more worldly and wise. Wisdom will also teach you to be patient when you are older even though you may not feel it. You also may not feel a need as sometimes people do, to have them hurry up and grow up, because you were able to do a lot of the things you wanted in your early adulthood and don''t feel like you have missed out.


Heather

 

[Shay37]

Considering I wasn''t married before I was 32, and I didn''t want to be disinherited, I''d say that over 32 was just fine.

shay

 

[curlygirl]

What a timely topic as I've been married for exactly four weeks and have just decided to stop using birth control! Sorry if that's TMI, but I've been looking for a place to discuss this! I'm 35 and my clock has been ticking for a while. But as others have said, I don't think I was ever really ready to have a child before this because I wasn't with the right man until I met my husband. I didn't feel like I wanted to take care of anyone else nor was I mature enough to think about that. I was just having fun a lot of fun in my 20s and even if I could do it all over, I wouldn't change a thing.

Now that we're married and we're not getting any younger, the idea of having a baby is becoming more of a reality. I just went to my gynecologist and we discussed it and he said to just go for it since we don't know how long it can take. That freaks me out because like Mara said, do I want to have to deal with a teenager when I'm 50?! It's a tough decision but since we know we want to have children, I think there's no time like the present to give it a shot. That being said, I'm not at the point of wanting to chart it all out and take my temperature, etc. I think we'll just let nature take it's course for now, however that may turn out.

It's a really big decision and I don't think there is any right answer to the question of when. Even now, we're in our mid-30s and have good jobs but is it the right time? When is it ever the right time? Some people say the right time is when it happens. I'm going to just go with that!

 

[MelissaSue]

I think its a little different for everyone.. My best friend just had her first babies (teeny little twin boys!).. at 24.. Its perfect for her.. as she always wanted babies.. didn''t really want a career, they do just fine on her hubbies income..

On the other hand, my sister didn''t have her first baby until she was 30, and the last one at 36.. She was NOT ready to have kids before 30.. she was a "kid" until she got married at 28.

I want to have kids soon.. (I''m 24.. want kids by 26-27ish.)... but financially we''re not ready for that.. It was a big step buying our house.. if we had gotten an apartment, it probably would have delayed it even longer.. so there are lots of good reasons to wait.. It just depends on your situation and your priorities.

 

[Caribou]

Everyone is different.

For me having a kid in my 20's was not an option..not just because I didn't have someone I wanted to have a kid with but also because I had no patience was very quick tempered and had no money. All I wanted to do in my 20's with the little money I had was party. I was too selfish to be a mom then.

Now in my 30's I finally feel I'm ready. I have the right guy, I have no need to go the bar, or party, I have a lot more patience than I did have in my 20's, I am way more financially secure and I'm not nearly as quit tempered. Now, I feel I'll be a much better mom than I would have been in my 20's because I have alot more life experince.

For some it doesn't take until their 30's to get to this point. For me it did. Also, I have no worries about having kids later. Hopefully I'll have my first before I'm 37 and my second before I'm 40...I have no problems with this. The only problem that might occur is, I may only be able to have one child..which means, I may have to either only have one child or adopt. But I'm cool with that. I would be upset if I couldn't give my husband one child but that's a chance you take being an older mom.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/3/2006 4:25:16 PM
Author:IslandDreams
This is kind of a companion to the ticking clock question.


Do you think it is better to have children while you are still in your 20s or wait until 30s or even 40s? Why?

if you have a choice...get it over with before you''re 30. 40''s ?

by then, you might have trouble conceiving and you can''t turn back the clock.

yeah...i know, when you''re in your 20''s it''s fun time,i been there

while all my friends are out having fun,i was home changing diapers

now... my group of friends are in their 40''s and guess who is carrying diaper bags and with strollers in their car?

i wouldn''t want to trade places with them.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I think that ideally you would have children before you hit thirty. I say that because you are young and healthy and physically up to the challenge. That doesn''t always work for everyone though - life gets in the way of being ideal. I know many folks that had kids much later than that and of course it worked out. The other part is that at whatever age you have a child you have to add at least 18 years to it before the child is of age. If that equation adds up to having teenagers while you are in menopause I wish you luck! At the age of eighteen, you can also be looking at college expenses, etc. which could definitely postpone retirement, travel, etc. I was in my mid-twenties when I had my kids(2) and am now almost through with college. I am also faced with the aging parent dilemma - I am having to partially support my mother which is an expense I would have never dreamed about in my twenties. If I had teenagers and her to deal with all at the same time I would probably be pulling my hair out! I think if we had waited longer to have kids we could have been more financially set but it is almost impossible to buy a home, raise kids, save for college, save for retirement and then take care of older parents. There aren''t enough years or enough money! My best friend from first grade didn''t have kids until she was in her forties. I think that the longer you wait the harder the decision can be to make. She does great but when I think of all she has ahead of her I get tired! My kids were good kids but the time and effort it took through all the stages of their growing up years was substantial. Maybe I feel this way because I have all of that behind me. She just doesn''t know what lies ahead of her - you just can''t until you live it.

At any rate, there is no right answer for everyone. Some folks get married and immediately start their families. There are people that will decide to remain childless. There are those that wait and then one day decide they want a baby more than anything they can think of. I can only hope that when people have the option of deciding when and if they make the best decision they can. Having a child is a huge committment - emotionally and financially. It is also something that for me personally I wouldn''t have missed for the world! Having said that, I would never hound someone about their decision to have children or not. I think it is tasteless to hammer childless folks about when the baby is coming. It is a very personal decision and I respect both sides of the fence.

 

[Kaleigh]

Hubby and I are glad we had them young. We joke around and say we were young and stupid. But now the kids are 17 and 15 and we still have our whole life ahead of us to travel etc.. But seems like things are very different these days. I would be surprised if Ashley had kids before she is 30. My SIL waited and when she was ready her body wasn''t. She adopted a precious baby boy. That is something to consider too. I know myself I don''t have the patience that I did when I was younger. I could no more see myself getting up in the middle of the night than fly. So it''s what works for you. Then there are some that say they are more comfortable in who they are at an older age and can really enjoy raising a child. Tough question and no easy answer.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/3/2006 7:11:05 PM
Author: MelissaSue
I think its a little different for everyone.. My best friend just had her first babies (teeny little twin boys!).. at 24.. Its perfect for her.. as she always wanted babies.. didn''t really want a career, they do just fine on her hubbies income..

On the other hand, my sister didn''t have her first baby until she was 30, and the last one at 36.. She was NOT ready to have kids before 30.. she was a ''kid'' until she got married at 28.

I want to have kids soon.. (I''m 24.. want kids by 26-27ish.)... but financially we''re not ready for that.. It was a big step buying our house.. if we had gotten an apartment, it probably would have delayed it even longer.. so there are lots of good reasons to wait.. It just depends on your situation and your priorities.

MS
babies aren''t that expensive. wait until they become teenagers

they think money grows on trees.

 

[larussel03]

My FI and I are not planning on having kids until at the earliest 29 if not 30. I'd like to have my kids (2) between 29 and 34 (out of me by 35 haha).


We've been together since we turned 20, and we both are 24 and 25 now but I just dont feel like we'll be ready for a few more years. As it is we're not getting married for another 2 years FI is going back to graduate school to get his PhD in pharmacology and wont be done until he's 29-30

, so we may have a child when he's almost done, but basically we're waiting until we're financially and psychologically/emotionally ready. We're also not in that mind set at all, we still want to go to bars and clubs, have our independant careers/school for him and travel with each other and friends and just enjoy each other--alone. This is how we've always been. Once we settle down a bit, and we've been married for a couple years at least, we'll probably decide to have kids, but right now neither of us even has the inkling to have them. Maybe it's a maturity thing, or maybe it's just that's where we're at in life and we're happy where we are for right now, but we are nowhere near ready to have children. A child within the next couple years would not be right for us.

I know a couple married couples who are having babies and they're our age and they are so happy and excited and it's perfect for them--just not us...yet

 

[Sundial]

I had my children when I was 29 and 31 (hubby is three years older) and that seems to have worked out well for us. We had time alone together to be sure we were ready to have kids and were financially secure. Yet we were still young enough that it wasn''t too stressful physically. Now that they are in college we are still able to do things and enjoy ourselves. There is no perfect answer to this though.

 

[glaucomflecken]

i also agree it depends on your situation, your maturity level and readiness to be a parent (if there ever is such a thing as being ready).

I was not able to have a child in my 20s because I didnt find my life partner yet, and i was in school until I was 27 establishing my career. I am one of those women who "want it all" and because I have become financially stable now in my 30s, and am married, i am more in a position to give my child what he or she needs because i have fulfilled my own needs and dreams.

BTW i dont think "31" is having kids old! fwiw!

 

[tawn]

I had my first (and only) son just before my 25th b-day, and we started trying for number 2 when he was 1 1/2. Fast forward 12 years later, and we''re about to give it a final shot with IVF. I''ll be 37 this year, and if it works, we start all over again...and if it doesn''t, we''ll be young and able to retire early! If it works, I''ll let ya know if it was easier when I was younger, or older!

Oddly enough, fertility decreases after 35, but your chances of multiples goes up significantly! (Even without the meds...)

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 3/3/2006 8:52:53 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
MS
babies aren''t that expensive. wait until they become teenagers

they think money grows on trees.

That''s because you spoil them. Make them work for their own money, and see how fast they learn. I paid my own way thru college and bought my own car in cash. Although i had to wait until after college to get a car, it was worth it. Brand new car too.

 

[Momoftwo]

I had my boys at 23 and 26. I have never regretted it. I''m now 46 and they are grown and in college. My DH (4 and I not only have the time, but now the money to play and only worry about retirement (which we have well funded now), not raising kids and starting college funds, etc. It''s also easier to conceive in your 20''s, and I got pregnant in a couple of months each time. Also, if you wait til you can "afford" to have kids, you never will cause there''s no such thing. I don''t buy the "having more patience" if you''re older, you have the patience you have and actually the older I''ve gotten, the less patient with people I''ve become. I disagree with the statement that you''re less self-absorbed when you''re older. I think people who are self-absorbed do not change as they get older just from aging. Having children changes you and makes you want to be more selfless.

We also said we did it when we were young and stupid. There''s something to be said for being young in that we never worried about the pregnancies, birth, anything. We figured it would all work out, as life usually does, and it did. My boys could care less that we didnt'' have a house with a big back yard or all the crap that newborns get today. Babies don''t care of their nursery is decorated or if the furniture matches, only the parents do because their friends might notice. I love the fact I''ll probably be a fairly young grandmother and possibly know my great grandchildren. My boys have both sets of grandparents around and have had that relationship as well as knowing 3 of their great-grandmothers (one very well). Great-grandparents are all gone now, but they had until 5 years ago with one.

I know too many women at work and in my neighborhood that waited because they wanted to get established or whatever and a majority of them are spending a lot on fertility treatments and/or adoption that a lot of them would not have had to spend if they had become pregnant during their peak fertility years. Anyone who thinks that being in good shape, working out, etc has any effect on your ability to get pregnant is wrong. It''s all about age and the fact is, once you hit 35, your fertility drops dramatically.

 

[ForteKitty]

I don't know if I can even physically handle having kids after 30. I'm so tired all the time right now at age 26, I can't imagine handling a kid, much less 2+. (ya know, all those happy hours/late night partying are kinda draining...

)

I applaud all the women who have kids after 30!!

 

[butterfly 17]

I don''t think any time is the right time and I don''t think anyone is every really truly ready either.

I had my first when I was 20, my second when I was 27 and my third (and hopefully last) when I was 32.

The first was not planned, the last two planned to the exact date of ovulation.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 3/4/2006 2:51:24 PM
Author: Momoftwo
My boys could care less that we didnt'' have a house with a big back yard or all the crap that newborns get today. Babies don''t care of their nursery is decorated or if the furniture matches, only the parents do because their friends might notice.

My favorite is when kids have a ton of toys but really just want to bang on pots with a wooden spoon.

I''m 22, and really don''t know when I want to have kids. I think my boyfriend would prefer start to having them when we''re 25-26, but I''m taking the Ph.D./Post Doc route and have yet to figure out how to balance the two. I definitely want to start a family at some point though.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/4/2006 3:31:15 AM
Author: ForteKitty

Date: 3/3/2006 8:52:53 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
MS
babies aren't that expensive. wait until they become teenagers

they think money grows on trees.

That's because you spoil them. Make them work for their own money, and see how fast they learn. I paid my own way thru college and bought my own car in cash. Although i had to wait until after college to get a car, it was worth it. Brand new car too.

i look at it this way.if she works while she's in college it might take longer for her to graduate so...in the long run, it might cost me more money.

momoftwo

i agree with your post 110%.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 3/4/2006 6:17:18 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

i look at it this way.if she works while she''s in college it might take longer for her to graduate so...in the long run, it might cost me more money.

then maybe she shouldn''t be spending so much money?

you remind me of my friends''s parents. one guy i know was at UCLA for 7 years, another''s at USC for the 8th year this year, for their B.A. Neither of them work... both have very indulging parents. You''d better be careful!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Momoftwo,
I agree with everything you said. You hit the nail on the head!!!

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Anytime they come (children), is great.

 

[upgrading mama]

hmmm...such a controversial topic!

Well, I agree with all others have said:

in your 20s, you have energy and the kids will be gone when yo are still young,.
If you wait til 30s or later, you will be that much older......

I am 26 and have 2 kids. Neither were planbed, and actually we used several birth control methods (sorry if that is TMI).
We got pregnangt 1 month after we got married. I was shocked. We didn''t even have our wedding pics yet, we were settling in to married life, home, and I was trying to immigrate to Canada, so we had ALOT on our plate.

For me, I wanted to have a few more ducks in a row, but now that I am 2 yrs past that I am very happy.

My close friends are still unmarried and childless and I am very glad that I giot the ball rolling. I love being a mother, but I do miss being a teacher and I may go back once the kids are in school too...

But now I am way off topic so I digress...let me say this:
My mother was maried at 15 (arranged marrriage in Greece) and had 3 kids by age 21. ow she is 47 and a grandmother of 6!!!!!!
My grandmother also had her kids young and she is now 73 and has lived to see 14 grandkids and 11 great grandkids.

I am so thankful to have had these people in my life for so long and I know that is because they had us so young. Now granted, they were both robbed of being teens and young people, but they grew up in a very different time when life was about geting married and having babies.

So, anyway, whenever you are blessed with kids is the right time, and know that God will not present you with something that He can''t see you through!