Is 23 too young to get married?

[yssie]

Engaged at 22, will be married just after turning 24.



North easterners, both of us.




FI is in grad school, has career plans (but of course they may change). I spent the year after graduating college completely changing my career plan and entering into a new field, and will spend be going back for a graduate degree in my new field in a year or two.



Have we raised some eyebrows? Sure. Are we, with certainty, financially secure? No. Have we fulfilled every last need we may have had as single folk? No. But we want to get married, we think we''re ready, and we''re financially secure enough to go for it. It all depends on the couple in question.

 

[chiquitapet]

I was 23 when I got married. However, our circumstances were slightly different. At that time we`ve been together for over 4 years, of which living together for 1 year, long-distance relatinship for over 3 years. We knew we`d get married ''one day'' but decided to do it then for visa purposes (we could no longer bear seeing each other only every 6 months). I don''t regret our decision in the slightest, however, if we were not in that situation, I would have preferred to wait a little longer, maybe till finishing med school.

 

[upgrade]

Date: 2/5/2010 4:46:38 PM
Author: henearly89
If we waited til she was post-grad, I''d be 36 before we got married. Keep in mind I met her at 19 and we were dating since I was 22 and she was 18. We''d be living together for 13 years. What the hell is the point of getting married if that''s the case?

I just don''t understand the concept of living together for years before getting engaged.

I just wanted to say that if you don''t want to move in together whithout being engaged first, then you should stick to that. If this situation were reversed and it was a LIW wanting to get engaged and he was dragging his feet, saying ''let''s just move in together for awhile first'' the advice you''d be getting could be very different. I think a lot of people would tell the LIW to stick to her guns and not move in without a commitment, so why should it be any different for you?

Whatever happens, I wish you the best and hope that you do get to propose to this woman who you obvoiusly love very much! Good luck to you.

 

[Gypsy]

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her.

Make it clear that you respect her doubts and ask her what she thinks would help? Would pre-marital counseling help? If so... get some.

If her friends comments are making an impact in her... it''s probably because she has doubts. It might not be a function of age. Maybe she''s not sure you are the right one... but having been with you for so long, can''t imagine anything different and knows marriage is the right step, but still isn''t secure enough in her decision that AGE seems a good reason as any to stall. There could be deeper issues that she''s avoiding looking into that are causing her to hestitate.

My point is. There is a reason she''s hesitiating. She owes you, and herself, the truth of what it is. Whether it truly is that she just feels too young (but WHY does she feel too young, what is resonating in her with her friend''s comments), or if it is something else.

And I don''t think that anyone can tell you what to do from here except talk to her and get to the root of the issue. That''s the only way you''ll be able to proceed.

 

[Amethyste]

the first time I got married I was 23. For "me", it was too young. I didn''t know squat back then.
But everyone is different and should not be judged on age alone. Character and maturity level is what is important. Only the person knows... It''s a hard call.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I was married after my first year of grad school, at the ripe old age of...22.

Sure, some people raised eyebrows, but hubby and I are happy with our choice and it''s going well, and that''s all that matters!

 

[katamari]

Date: 2/5/2010 4:46:38 PM
Author: henearly89
If we waited til she was post-grad, I''d be 36 before we got married. Keep in mind I met her at 19 and we were dating since I was 22 and she was 18. We''d be living together for 13 years. What the hell is the point of getting married if that''s the case?


I just don''t understand the concept of living together for years before getting engaged.

I am very confused by this comment and some other aspects of your posts. First, what do you mean by post-grad? Most MBA programs are only a year; two years if she goes to a top, research-intensive school. Does this suggest that her plan is to wait until she is 28-30 to pursue her MBA? And, is earning her MBA the definitive timeline she set for herself to be married?

Also, you mention that you were together while she went to university in another country. To me, that does not suggest the two of you have been together for as long as you make it seem. Yes, you can be in exclusive long-distance relationships and have a romantic and emotional connection and be spatially seperated. That said, the normal university student changes substantially in terms of maturity, life-experiences, world-view, self-sufficiency and many other crucial categories between the ages of 18 to 22. Given that she just experienced that, I think it is more than fair to let her make sure that this relationship fits with the "her" she developed during this time. You also missed experiencing the mundane routine of everyday life together for a very long time (and significant percentage of your overall relationship).

As a rule, I would say that 23 is too young for a professional woman to marry. If she is working at a Fortune 500 in NYC there is a very good chance that her superiors are watching her assuming that she will become more interested in pursuing a family than her profession because she is a woman. It is the nature of the patriarchal beast. Unfortunately, getting married at 23 may well send them the message that she is.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 5:16:03 PM
Author: Hest88
Obviously it depends on the couple. We can all drag out Dear Abby letters where couple married right out of high school and just celebrated their 60th anniversary. And obviously right here on PS there are plenty of happy couples who married in their early 20s.

However, theoretically, I do think that 23 is young. I think that women mature quite a bit in their 20s, and really come into their own as (hopefully) confident adults who know what they want in life. She''s been attached to you through all her formulative teen years. She''s finally making her own money, responsible for her own living, and that will shape a good deal of her adulthood. Hopefully, it means she will grow even more sure of your marriage, but I don''t think it hurts for her to have the time to think things through.

I''m glad you''re waiting. Pressuring her would probably just make her more anxious. This gives her the space to have clarity.

Hest, yesyesyesyesyes. YES. If anything, she is doing henearly89 a favor by expressing her need to wait. I think it is a good thing that she recognizes that she might not be ready yet. Some of us (hint, ME) were not quite ready and didn''t do a good job of going about communicating that. (I was 24 when I met ex-H, 26 when we got married.) I had ~one year of truly living on my own, paying ALL of my expenses, before I met him. Looking back, there was a lot of resentment on my end about not REALLY being ready for marriage. We moved in together because it was the smart thing to do financially, without being engaged. We ended up getting engaged because he had a timeline, I didn''t, and actually the timing of the lease made me open to the idea of a timeline. Hindsight is 20/20, as the saying goes, and in my case I have had to face some harsh realities about who I was back then. Perhaps Miss henearly89 is a really smart cookie and is not as unsure of herself (for lack of a better term/descriptor right now) as we think? Again, merely opinion and thinking aloud.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 6:05:28 PM
Author: Amethyste
the first time I got married I was 23. For 'me', it was too young. I didn't know squat back then.
But everyone is different and should not be judged on age alone. Character and maturity level is what is important. Only the person knows... It's a hard call.

I think I was too young (at 26, even) as well, and I'm with you--I didn't know squat back then, much as I hate to admit it. However, you are also right that it really isn't purely an age thing. I know lots of people who got married in their early twenties and are very happy still, in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and so on.

ETA: And, Katamari, you bring up a very good point regarding the long-distance portion of this couple's relationship. If they had spent the better part of 9 years in the same geographic area, that is one thing, but if several of those years were spent long-distance, well then we have to take that into consideration. This is a really interesting thread in that it is different from the typical couple in which the female half is ready and the male half isn't quite there.

 

[pierreone]

I don''t think 23 is too young, but as others have said, it all depends on the individual. I know some 40-year-olds who don''t seem ready for marriage. I was engaged at 21, married at 22, and now we''ve celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I never considered myself too young, was responsible enough to basically raise myself, put myself through college, get a decent job, etc. And while I''m not from NY, I definitely don''t consider myself a "hick," nor do I feel that marrying young means that I''m one.

Just to play devil''s advocate, my dad didn''t marry until he was 31, and for her entire life my mom bemoaned the fact that she married someone "so old and set in his ways." They had a horrible marriage. I know that was a different generation and 31 isn''t old now, but sometimes I think that getting married younger was actually a good thing for DH and me. Unlike my dad, maybe youth helped us be malleable enough to roll with the punches and learn to compromise. Maybe that''s not an age thing, though.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 7:25:07 PM
Author: pierreone
I don''t think 23 is too young, but as others have said, it all depends on the individual. I know some 40-year-olds who don''t seem ready for marriage. I was engaged at 21, married at 22, and now we''ve celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I never considered myself too young, was responsible enough to basically raise myself, put myself through college, get a decent job, etc. And while I''m not from NY, I definitely don''t consider myself a ''hick,'' nor do I feel that marrying young means that I''m one.

Just to play devil''s advocate, my dad didn''t marry until he was 31, and for her entire life my mom bemoaned the fact that she married someone ''so old and set in his ways.'' They had a horrible marriage. I know that was a different generation and 31 isn''t old now, but sometimes I think that getting married younger was actually a good thing for DH and me. Unlike my dad, maybe youth helped us be malleable enough to roll with the punches and learn to compromise. Maybe that''s not an age thing, though.

Excellent point, pierreone. I think some couples grow up together, in a sense. And I really don''t think this is tied to the number of years you''ve been alive. Experience, upbringing, education, etc. all play into whether we''re on the same page with our partners.

 

[Elmorton]

We were engaged at 23, married at 24. I think younger couples really feel the urge to get married when they''re making a leap of some sort. For a friend of mine, it was going off to grad school in NYC - got married right before she left at age 22. For me, it was after grad school and DH was ready to move on past his first job. We wanted to move on with life and wanted to do it together. It made sense to get married before taking the next steps in our lives, and that''s what we did. Looking back, I was pretty young (well, still am) but I''m happy with the direction that DH and I have gone together.

In my circle, 23 is on the young side of average. We''ve been going to a steady stream of weddings since age 22. The 22/23/24 weddings felt kindof rollercoaster-y (like "Whoa...what the heck were they/we doing??") but 25/26/27/28 seem very, very normal.

But, bottom line, it depends on the people and how they act as individuals and together.

 

[anchor31]

I was 23 when I got married, so I voted no. I do believe it''s too young for some people though. It depends on their maturity, values and goals, and on their relationship. What is happening to your girlfriend happened to me, I was finishing school and got raised eyebrows from quite a few classmates. But because they were not ready didn''t mean I wasn''t! Best wishes to you both.

 

[henearly89]

ate: 2/5/2010 6:49:16 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 2/5/2010 4:46:38 PM
Author: henearly89
If we waited til she was post-grad, I''d be 36 before we got married. Keep in mind I met her at 19 and we were dating since I was 22 and she was 18. We''d be living together for 13 years. What the hell is the point of getting married if that''s the case?


I just don''t understand the concept of living together for years before getting engaged.

I am very confused by this comment and some other aspects of your posts. First, what do you mean by post-grad? Most MBA programs are only a year; two years if she goes to a top, research-intensive school. Does this suggest that her plan is to wait until she is 28-30 to pursue her MBA? And, is earning her MBA the definitive timeline she set for herself to be married?

Also, you mention that you were together while she went to university in another country. To me, that does not suggest the two of you have been together for as long as you make it seem. Yes, you can be in exclusive long-distance relationships and have a romantic and emotional connection and be spatially seperated. That said, the normal university student changes substantially in terms of maturity, life-experiences, world-view, self-sufficiency and many other crucial categories between the ages of 18 to 22. Given that she just experienced that, I think it is more than fair to let her make sure that this relationship fits with the ''her'' she developed during this time. You also missed experiencing the mundane routine of everyday life together for a very long time (and significant percentage of your overall relationship).

As a rule, I would say that 23 is too young for a professional woman to marry. If she is working at a Fortune 500 in NYC there is a very good chance that her superiors are watching her assuming that she will become more interested in pursuing a family than her profession because she is a woman. It is the nature of the patriarchal beast. Unfortunately, getting married at 23 may well send them the message that she is.

1.) Nearly all top-tier M.B.A. programs that I know of are 2 years. She would problem aim for one of those.
2.) We''ve grown up together. I think relationships are healthier that way. If anything, we''re stronger because we had no problem being apart than we would be if we had been together and she didn''t have that independence. I am confident my being right for her has nothing to do with this. She insists thats the case and if I didn''t believe it, I wouldnt be ready to propose myself.
3.) I think this is sad. We''ve let careers come before family. As a school teacher, I can say that our kids are the ones who are suffering. Besides, if she waits 3-4 years to get her MBA then gets married, she''ll be ready to have kids at the most financially expensive time of her life where her opportunity cost of missing work is at its highest.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I wanted to add that I think 23 might not be too young to marry. I am 22 and I have been living with my boyfriend for two years now. Before that we lived in different cities (2 hrs apart) and still dated. Are we too young? Some might think. But it worked out for us because it is cheaper to live together up at school and we both know we want to be together and have now got a sense of what it will be like to live together.

Why will it take her till she 36 to be post grad?(ETA: I just read your comment about women waiting till they were postgrad. sorry!) I am in a five year teaching program and if I were to pursue my masters right after, it would take two more years tops, so I would be 25. I can't imagine what you would be doing if you were to get it at 36. That doesn't even have anything to do with her being ready. Also keep in mind that maturity is all relative- just because she has what you say is the maturity of a 35 year old, my dad is 45 and more immature than my bf.

I guess I'm just saying that age doesn't always mean everything.

I guess you still need to clarify why she will be so old when she finishes and why that has anything to do with it. Also I understand that you decided to wait, just giving you my .02.

 

[AprilBaby]

I was 21 and hubby was 24 when we got married 30 years ago

 

[Cehrabehra]

I will be 40 in May and married 19 years in June... of course it depends on the person! I''ve met 30 year olds not mature enough for marriage...

 

[henearly89]

Not she''d be 36. I''d be 36 if we waited til she completed grad school. She is 23. If she waits 4 years to gain some experience before entering an MBA or JD program (as I''d recommend to anyone, having gone to an Ivy leage business school myself and seen how important prior experience is) then took 2-3 years to complete that program, that''s 6-7 years from now. I''d be 28 + 7 = 35 (okay I was off by one year).

 

[Dreamer_D]

If you get engaged now you could get married when she is 25. So perhaps too young too marry but not too young to be engaged.

I voted that 23 is too young to marry FWIW.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Okay, I finished the thread so I will comment on the other question you asked, which was "If you think that 23 is too young, why?"

There are lots of mature 23 year olds out there... for 23 year olds. I was one myself, much more mature than my cohort. But I was not mature enough to get married. And I simply believe that no matter how mature you are at 23, you will be more mature in 2-5 years

There are certainly exceptions to every rule, some posters on this thread have been married for 20+ years and got married young (though of course societal norms were different when they married), but in general there is a positive association between the age of marriage and longevity of a marriage. For example, divorce rates are ~90% for people who marry in their teens, around ~40% for people who marry in their late twenties, and ~25% for people who marry in their early 30s and can be even lower if the woman has some post-graduate education. These are valid descriptive statistics, so there is no point in trying to argue with it, it just exists. Doesn't predict any particular individual's experience, sure, but there are reasons why that correlation exists that are important to think about when contemplating marriage.

In the early 20s people are still post-adolescent in today's society, since adolescents probably extends until schooling ends. That means that at that age they are still forming identities. That period of high identity plascticity suggests that people who marry while still in that phase are more likely to find they are a different person in five years, or at least to find they have different preferences. *shrug* That's why I think its too young. But I also don't think you should marry the only person you have ever dated, for similar reasons, so I guess I am a little of a negative nelly for a few reasons

 

[Amethyste]

... I don''t think that being 23 and be engaged is too young. My current hubby and I were engaged for 4 years before we decided to get married. Long engagements are a good thing in my opinion. To me, being engaged is just as good as being married. The promise is there - the major difference is the "paper". Don''t get me wrong, I adore being married, but since we were engaged for so long, when we got married, nothing seemed too different. The only real difference that I felt, was when I went to bed that night ( after we got married ), I truly knew we would be together forever... When I woke up the day after, I "felt" that my heart and soul belonged to someone very special.

 

[karee888]

met josh in 6th grade.

dated in 11th and 12th grade.

went to same college. kept dating.

engaged when we were 20.

married when we were 21.

been married for 7 years and relationship is still amazing.

 

[Imdanny]

No, what an unexpected (to me) question (sorry). 23 is an adult. If not by 23, when should women/ men be able to decide for themselves whether to get married?

 

[that_someone_special]

I think it''s very personal... but THANK GOD I did not marry the guy I was dating at 23... oh man... oh man..

But, again.. it''s up to each person.

I''ll be almost 27 by the time I get married this year.

 

[Dandi]

I''m another one in the ''depends on the person'' camp.

DH and I were engaged when I was 22 (he was 29), and married when I was 25. We had all our ducks in a row at that stage (22), career, financially and house-wise. I''ve been with DH since I was 17 and have really grown into adulthood with him, and wished to continue doing so. As it was always a matter of ''when'' and not ''if'' for us, we saw no point in waiting, particularly knowing we''d have a long engagement.

 

[hihowareyou]

I think that you get married when you have met the right person and the timing feels right for you. Age has a little to do with that but I don't think it is the business of anyone else but the couple.

I was 23 when I got engaged. I'll be 24 when we get married. I feel like it is quite young to me but we have been together for 7 years and we've been talking about it for a long time. We knew that we wanted it to happen a few years ago but decided to wait until around the mid twenties to make sure that that we were mature enough to take it on. We've been living together for two years now anyway and it has been working well so it seems natural to make it official.

I don't plan to have kids immediately. I want to start having kids before I am 30 but that gives me a few years from when we get married to work at establishing myself in my career, building assets, traveling as a couple, etc.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m another "depends on the age" person. Personally for most people 23 is too young but then again in my experience most 23 year olds (or any age) are not mature (still in the immature "me" stage and partying).

 

[arjunajane]

I voted for the last, non-committal option;
but if you're asking from our own personal experience, I would have to say b) its fine.
Fi and I were engaged at 22 (almost 5 yrs ago) - not married yet, but may as well be

This is for a couple who knew each other closely since ~14, and we only dated for one year before becoming engaged.

I haven't read all the responses, but I would not let what her group of friends is doing / saying dictate this decision - exactly, someone always has to take the plunge first.
If, like you say you are both happy, healthy and what sounds like have strong career prospects etc - than what could possibly scream "hick" ?

We were the first in our "group" ; when we got engaged, many of Fi's mates thought he was nuts / took the mickey out of him etc - now, at least 4 of them have beaten us to the altar and most of those couples have little ones too..
dynamics in groups can and will change quickly.

ETA: just wanted to add, after reading further - I firmly believe you should try living together for at least a year before committing to marriage. Firmly!
Like others mentioned, there is such a massive difference between the romance and ease of dating / long distance r'ships, comnpared to the every-day, mundane repetitive activities of living together. Seriously, there's sooo many things ppl can be completely incompatible with when living together - most of which you will just never know until you try.
Also, If the case is you have very different professional lives / day schedules, this could also be a source of possible tension once living together.

so, that's my further 2c

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 2/6/2010 2:31:33 AM
Author: DandiAndi
I''m another one in the ''depends on the person'' camp.


DH and I were engaged when I was 22 (he was 29), and married when I was 25. We had all our ducks in a row at that stage (22), career, financially and house-wise. I''ve been with DH since I was 17 and have really grown into adulthood with him, and wished to continue doing so. As it was always a matter of ''when'' and not ''if'' for us, we saw no point in waiting, particularly knowing we''d have a long engagement.

Hey Dandi

Interesting! Apart from the age difference, you two sound almost identical to our r''ship

Well, we''re still getting our ducks in a row - but as for the rest; ever since we''ve known each other it was a matter of when, not if...and we''re having a mega long engagement!

 

[whitby_2773]

tim and i were married when he was 19 - 2 weeks short of 20 - and i had just turned 24 - engaged at 19/23 respectively. we dated for 13 months and were engaged for 5.

were we particularly mature? no. but we were both people who were willing and ready to make a life time commitment to a single relationship. we weren't particularly mature, but we did have that particular ability.

it wasn't so much a part of maturity as what it was a personality trait. we were simply the commitment types and we were a good fit.

one of the upsides of marrying young is that it allows you to mature together, develop similar values and the same world view. that gave us a familiarity with each other which has stood us in good stead over the years. all 25 of them.