Is 23 too young to get married?

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/5/2010 5:52:41 PM
Author: Gypsy
I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her.


Make it clear that you respect her doubts and ask her what she thinks would help? Would pre-marital counseling help? If so... get some.


If her friends comments are making an impact in her... it''s probably because she has doubts. It might not be a function of age. Maybe she''s not sure you are the right one... but having been with you for so long, can''t imagine anything different and knows marriage is the right step, but still isn''t secure enough in her decision that AGE seems a good reason as any to stall. There could be deeper issues that she''s avoiding looking into that are causing her to hestitate.


My point is. There is a reason she''s hesitiating. She owes you, and herself, the truth of what it is. Whether it truly is that she just feels too young (but WHY does she feel too young, what is resonating in her with her friend''s comments), or if it is something else.


And I don''t think that anyone can tell you what to do from here except talk to her and get to the root of the issue. That''s the only way you''ll be able to proceed.

This. Good job Smurfy, you said what I wanted to!

 

[henearly89]

On a personal note, I had the mentality of a 40 year old when I was still in middle school. Decided in 8th grade what college I was getting into. Saw friends die at 13, 15, 19. Had a close friend commit suicide at 17. Saved a close friend from doing the same at 19. Got cancer and survived 8 months of treatment at 18. Lived in the suburbs and went to college in a big city. Had a job making $50+ an hour. Nothing about being 23 that actually made me 23. Age is independent of experience for many of us.

Anyway, enough about this particular situation. I was only interested in your perceptions of a 23 year old getting married. Some of you have made this too much about us. We talk about things and have good communication. Don''t need the psychotherapy. Just looking for opinions on that age where marriage is no longer scandalous.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 2/6/2010 9:48:38 AM
Author: henearly89
On a personal note, I had the mentality of a 40 year old when I was still in middle school. Decided in 8th grade what college I was getting into. Saw friends die at 13, 15, 19. Had a close friend commit suicide at 17. Saved a close friend from doing the same at 19. Got cancer and survived 8 months of treatment at 18. Lived in the suburbs and went to college in a big city. Had a job making $50+ an hour. Nothing about being 23 that actually made me 23. Age is independent of experience for many of us.

Anyway, enough about this particular situation. I was only interested in your perceptions of a 23 year old getting married. Some of you have made this too much about us. We talk about things and have good communication. Don't need the psychotherapy. Just looking for opinions on that age where marriage is no longer scandalous.

Experiencing trauma does not automatically confer the completion of developmental milestones. How you dealt with these traumas is more to the point. You said you didn't want the psychotherapy, but your question isn't one that can be answered by a simple yes or no. The perception piece depends upon those doing the perceiving. You and your gf have no control over that. The readiness piece is also of relevance to this discussion. If your gf is concerned about what her friends and coworkers think, that could well speak to her own reluctance to marry at age 23. It sounds as if you think she should be ready because you are ready. She will be ready in her own time. If you would be willing to learn about the developmental stages that influence this choice, I think it would be helpful. You say that we are overcomplicating your question. I think you are oversimplifying it. If you truly are at the developmental stage of a 40 year old, you need to understand the developmental needs of a 23 year old.

 

[whitby_2773]

te:[/b] 2/6/2010 12:21:38 PM
Author: risingsun

Experiencing trauma does not automatically confer the completion of developmental milestones. How you dealt with these traumas is more to the point. You said you didn't want the psychotherapy, but your question isn't one that can be answered by a simple yes or no. The perception piece depends upon those doing the perceiving. You and your gf have no control over that. The readiness piece is also of relevance to this discussion. If your gf is concerned about what her friends and coworkers think, that could well speak to her own reluctance to marry at age 23. It sounds as if you think she should be ready because you are ready. She will be ready in her own time. If you would be willing to learn about the developmental stages that influence this choice, I think it would be helpful. You say that we are overcomplicating your question. I think you are oversimplifying it. If you truly are at the developmental stage of a 40 year old, you need to understand the developmental needs of a 23 year old.[/quote]


wow marian. stunningly insightful answer - your many years as a therapist are obvious.

frankly, i don't think there's anything to say after that answer, henearly exept... 'what she said!'

 

[Hest88]

Date: 2/6/2010 9:48:38 AM
Author: henearly89
I was only interested in your perceptions of a 23 year old getting married. Some of you have made this too much about us.

I think that''s unfair. It essentially *is* about the two of you as unique individuals and as a unique couple. Plus, you''ve also tried to contradict those who expressed an opinion contrary to the one you wanted to hear, including adding personal anecdotes, which belies your statement that you just want to hear our opinions.

Risingsun made really good points. Also, I''ll point out that life experience and trauma do not actually make someone more suitable for marriage either. In some cases, it can make a person less suitable, especially if their experiences make it even harder for a partner with a more conventional upbringing to relate. I''m not saying that''s the case with you; just that it''s not a blanket statement either.

 

[Rhea]

I think 23 is too young. I was 24, nearly 25, and he had just turned 22. Immigration played a huge part in why we chose to get married when we did. If it weren''t for that I doubt that we''d be married. I''d have enjoyed more time together and grown up a bit more. I don''t doubt that we''d still be together and gotten married eventually, it just would have been nicer to take things at a more reasonable pace and experience more together - like the all the graduations and changing careers that we''ve done since. It''s also made it a bit more difficult, for him especially, that he married at 22 in a place where people don''t get married until they''re in their 30s. Socially it''s a bit a different world. Four years later it finally feels like our social circle is catching up!

 

[Ara Ann]

Honestly, and not speaking of the OP and his GF, but of marriage/age in general, I don''t invest a lot of time in deciding whether two adults are old enough to marry, or not. Ultimately my opinion doesn''t matter. The legal age of consent to marry is 18. Period. The only time I''d ''raise an eyebrow'' is if a couple younger than 18 asked their parents to allow them to marry younger. Anything over 18 is bonus. There are many other factors besides age that are just as important to a successful marriage. So no, I wouldn''t raise an eyebrow or judge anyone at age 23 for marrying, neither would I judge another for waiting until they were in their 40''s. Marriage is a very complicated and personal arrangement and I don''t think anyone outside of the relationship is able to judge, other than the two marrying, what age is suitable.

 

[Raven_Pixie]

I got married when I was 20. I also had a strong and healthy relationship and was mature for my age. I''ve never looked back, four years later. However it was difficult financially I was still studying. If your gf is put off so easily by listening to her friends saying it is "hick" then maybe she is not ready.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 2/5/2010 5:16:03 PM
Author: Hest88
Obviously it depends on the couple. We can all drag out Dear Abby letters where couple married right out of high school and just celebrated their 60th anniversary. And obviously right here on PS there are plenty of happy couples who married in their early 20s.

However, theoretically, I do think that 23 is young. I think that women mature quite a bit in their 20s, and really come into their own as (hopefully) confident adults who know what they want in life. She''s been attached to you through all her formulative teen years. She''s finally making her own money, responsible for her own living, and that will shape a good deal of her adulthood. Hopefully, it means she will grow even more sure of your marriage, but I don''t think it hurts for her to have the time to think things through.

I''m glad you''re waiting. Pressuring her would probably just make her more anxious. This gives her the space to have clarity.

goodness i hope not or i''m running of to never never land this instant!

though in all fairness that statement can be made about any age group since maturing seems to be a lifelong process and i fully expect to change with each decade i manage to survive.

i''m going to finish making my way through the thread, but congratulations on being so very in love and best wishes for the wait! and to continue with the census: engaged at 23, to be married at 24. i''ve been in and to weddings of people who are under 24, including one who was 18 (which would not have been a good age for me but they are quite happy and i wish them all the best. afterall if we were all the same life would be quite dull.) my mother was married at 26 and seems to think i should wait til then, but i am not my mother (i must be getting old if i am starting to say that already!)

 

[phoenixgirl]

I got engaged at 23, married at 24. DH was 26. We had been dating 6 years. I''m from an area and circle where, as you describe, most of my friends attended medical or law school, and they are just tending to get engaged and married now that we are 29.

In retrospect, I think I was young to be getting married! I have a coworker who was itching to engaged at 23, and I was like, really, what''s the rush? But I don''t regret getting married when we did; it was what we wanted to do. But I do think that we were somewhat lucky that when we grew up a little more, we did it together. It seems to me that it was more around 25 when I felt I had stopped growing emotionally and intellectually.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 2/5/2010 7:23:16 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 2/5/2010 6:05:28 PM
Author: Amethyste
the first time I got married I was 23. For ''me'', it was too young. I didn''t know squat back then.
But everyone is different and should not be judged on age alone. Character and maturity level is what is important. Only the person knows... It''s a hard call.

I think I was too young (at 26, even) as well, and I''m with you--I didn''t know squat back then, much as I hate to admit it. However, you are also right that it really isn''t purely an age thing. I know lots of people who got married in their early twenties and are very happy still, in their 30''s, 40''s, 50''s, and so on.

ETA: And, Katamari, you bring up a very good point regarding the long-distance portion of this couple''s relationship. If they had spent the better part of 9 years in the same geographic area, that is one thing, but if several of those years were spent long-distance, well then we have to take that into consideration. This is a really interesting thread in that it is different from the typical couple in which the female half is ready and the male half isn''t quite there.

as someone who has seen her FI for at most a total 3 months over the course of our 3 years together (while in my college years), i''ve had this opinion expressed to me many times, so i figured i''d throw out my usual response: being so far from each other forced us to communicate regularly and have a relationship based almost completely on enjoying learning about each other, from what we ate that day to childhood stories. we''re truely the best of friends and have no secrets, otherwise we''d have never considered getting married.
that being said, i by no means claim to speak on behalf of anyone other than myself, just throwing out that from my perspective long-distance years are taken into consideration with regards to a couple''s communication skills, trust in one another, and that the relationship is based on much more than physical aspects

which IMHO are positives, but as i''ve said before, to each their own

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:21:38 PM
Author: risingsun

Date: 2/6/2010 9:48:38 AM
Author: henearly89
On a personal note, I had the mentality of a 40 year old when I was still in middle school. Decided in 8th grade what college I was getting into. Saw friends die at 13, 15, 19. Had a close friend commit suicide at 17. Saved a close friend from doing the same at 19. Got cancer and survived 8 months of treatment at 18. Lived in the suburbs and went to college in a big city. Had a job making $50+ an hour. Nothing about being 23 that actually made me 23. Age is independent of experience for many of us.

Anyway, enough about this particular situation. I was only interested in your perceptions of a 23 year old getting married. Some of you have made this too much about us. We talk about things and have good communication. Don''t need the psychotherapy. Just looking for opinions on that age where marriage is no longer scandalous.

Experiencing trauma does not automatically confer the completion of developmental milestones. How you dealt with these traumas is more to the point. You said you didn''t want the psychotherapy, but your question isn''t one that can be answered by a simple yes or no. The perception piece depends upon those doing the perceiving. You and your gf have no control over that. The readiness piece is also of relevance to this discussion. If your gf is concerned about what her friends and coworkers think, that could well speak to her own reluctance to marry at age 23. It sounds as if you think she should be ready because you are ready. She will be ready in her own time. If you would be willing to learn about the developmental stages that influence this choice, I think it would be helpful. You say that we are overcomplicating your question. I think you are oversimplifying it. If you truly are at the developmental stage of a 40 year old, you need to understand the developmental needs of a 23 year old.

This is a wonderful point. Thank you for making it so clearly, Marian.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I voted for the last option.
I was 23 when DH and I got engaged, 24 when we married. We were dating for 5 1/2 years when we got engaged. We have been married for almost 13 years.

 

[bee*]

Where I live (Ireland) 23 is definitely considered young. Late twenties is normally when people get hitched here.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

I was married at 23, and in two months, will be married 23 years. He''s one year older. We probably weren''t quite ready, but we''re still here. I like the 5 years between you. If you are both "ready" then you''re on the right track. Good luck

 

[KatyWI]

I think it really depends on the person. It''s so hard to predict what makes a marriage fail, although I have some personal opinions on certain ingredients required for success.

What really matters is what the two of YOU think. Best wishes to you both!

 

[whitby_2773]

te:[/b] 2/6/2010 12:51:02 PM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 2/6/2010 12:21:38 PM

Author: risingsun

Experiencing trauma does not automatically confer the completion of developmental milestones. How you dealt with these traumas is more to the point. You said you didn''t want the psychotherapy, but your question isn''t one that can be answered by a simple yes or no. The perception piece depends upon those doing the perceiving. You and your gf have no control over that. The readiness piece is also of relevance to this discussion. If your gf is concerned about what her friends and coworkers think, that could well speak to her own reluctance to marry at age 23. It sounds as if you think she should be ready because you are ready. She will be ready in her own time. If you would be willing to learn about the developmental stages that influence this choice, I think it would be helpful. You say that we are overcomplicating your question. I think you are oversimplifying it. If you truly are at the developmental stage of a 40 year old, you need to understand the developmental needs of a 23 year old.

wow marian. stunningly insightful answer - your many years as a therapist are obvious.


frankly, i don''t think there''s anything to say after that answer, henearly exept... ''what she said!''


[/quote]

i came back to this thread and saw my quote of risingsun''s comment hadn''t highlighted as a quote.

i just want to be clear that the first paragraph of my answer here is risingsun''s - not mine. it''s an incredibly astute answer and i dont want anyone to think i''m trying to steal her words - tho i do agree with them wholeheartedly.

sorry marian - i tried to quote, but only your name highlighted - i dont know why

 

[risingsun]

^^^Not a problem, Whitby! I knew what you meant

I hope that henearly will reflect upon the responses in this thread and be able to take something of value from it.

 

[trillionaire]

I''ve been with FI since I was 20. I''ll be 28 when I get married. I am a very different person in many respects, now, than I was at 23. I know a lot more, have experienced a lot more, and know myself (and FI) a lot better. I could have gotten married at 23 because I am a committed person, and FI and I have had an easy relationship. That said, I think that 23 is WAY too young. That''s my opinion, since you asked for them. I''ve never met a 23 yr old that I felt was ready for marriage, and I quietly question many of the choices and decisions about marriage with people of my own age. (several who are divorced, or are on the verge of it) Most people that I have met that marry young will tell you to wait (unsolicited advice from them to me). My sister is 23 and very bright and mature, and I would be positively ILL if she told me she was getting married.

I''d vote for 25+, emphasis on the +...

 

[waxing lyrical]

I don''t even bat an eye at that. I was 18 and DH was 19 when we married. Married almost 7 years. It really depends on the couple, I say.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I married at the age of 23. I still AM 23. And even though I'm happy to be married, I've often thought, "Wow. I'm pretty young."

It depends on the person and the couple. There's no easy answer. I have quite a few college pals that married at 22 and 23, but the majority of people I know in this age group don't even want to THINK about marriage. My hope with 23 year olds (and younger people) who wed is that they don't view a wedding as simply a novel, fun event and instead focus on the big picture of marriage and lifelong commitment.

Another question to ask is: If you're certain you want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you're questioning whether 23 is too young, why not wait a few years? (Ha- but I know this is totally lost on young couples in love

It was lost on me, anyway!)


To add: I think the sooner/earlier you marry, the more challenges you'll face, simply because we experience much change throughout our 20's than 30's. I once had a youth group leader who married quite young. She said to me, "There were many times early in our marriage that I thought, 'if we were dating, i'd totally break up with you. But because we're married, I can't." The couple is still happy & together, but what she said is true.

 

[princesss]

Date: 2/7/2010 1:51:27 AM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
I married at the age of 23. I still AM 23. And even though I''m happy to be married, I''ve often thought, ''Wow. I''m pretty young.''


It depends on the person and the couple. There''s no easy answer. I have quite a few college pals that married at 22 and 23, but the majority of people I know in this age group don''t even want to THINK about marriage. My hope with 23 year olds (and younger people) who wed is that they don''t view a wedding as simply a novel, fun event and instead focus on the big picture of marriage and lifelong commitment.


Another question to ask is: If you''re certain you want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you''re questioning whether 23 is too young, why not wait a few years? (Ha- but I know this is totally lost on young couples in love

It was lost on me, anyway!)



To add: I think the sooner/earlier you marry, the more challenges you''ll face, simply because we experience much change throughout our 20''s than 30''s. I once had a youth group leader who married quite young. She said to me, ''There were many times early in our marriage that I thought, ''if we were dating, i''d totally break up with you. But because we''re married, I can''t.'' The couple is still happy & together, but what she said is true.

I tried explaining that idea to a friend of mine this weekend. He couldn''t understand that I am not ready to get married. He says, "You''re 23, you''ve got a good career with a lot of potential, you''ve been together 5 years - why aren''t you engaged yet?" He couldn''t wrap his head around the fact that it''s not about any of that - it''s about feeling ready, and no other accomplishment will make you feel ready. The feeling comes when it comes. So why rush it? Why not wait? Together is together, but waiting to make that legal commitment until after you''ve developed yourself a little bit more definitely can''t hurt.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My husband and I were married when I was 22 and he was 24, we had been together for seven years on our wedding day. We have always had a wonderful relationship and have almost been married 2 years now. Neither of us regrets getting married when we did, if we could have we would have done it sooner.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 2/5/2010 7:08:20 PM
Author: monarch64

Some of us (hint, ME) were not quite ready and didn't do a good job of going about communicating that. (I was 24 when I met ex-H, 26 when we got married.) I had ~one year of truly living on my own, paying ALL of my expenses, before I met him. Looking back, there was a lot of resentment on my end about not REALLY being ready for marriage. We moved in together because it was the smart thing to do financially, without being engaged. We ended up getting engaged because he had a timeline, I didn't, and actually the timing of the lease made me open to the idea of a timeline.

THIS.

I'll honestly say that I'm in the camp that she's too young, but not solely because she's 23.

It's because she hasn't had enough life experience to confidently know what she wants. There's MUCH that one learns about herself by being self-sufficient, being responsible for herself, and encountering a couple of life's inevitable bumps. These experiences lead to CONFIDENCE, which leads to trusting/following her instincts when she does meet the right partner.

I don't believe that most folks (with rare exception) can be truly ready until they have these experiences, whether they marry at 23 or 33. The younger a gal is when contemplating marriage, the less likely it is she's gone through this needed set of experiences.

That's not to say all who marry young will fail; there's are plenty of examples here of gals who did marry quite young and are (so far) quite happy. BUT....the odds are far less in favor of that happening than more.

I think it's extremely telling that she's reluctant because 'others' feel she's too young. Maybe it's that deep down, *she* knows she's not ready and can't own it herself for fear of losing you.

If you are ready now and she isn't, it's not the right thing. She should be free to take the time she needs, and you should be free to see if there's someone else who's in the same place you are. If you're meant to be together, it will work out, but rushing someone who isn't ready has VERY little chance of working out over the long run.

Put another way: Right now, you're the right choice for her because she's never known anything else. If you're truly the right choice for her, that's not going to change with a bit more life experience, but if you're not the right choice for her, it very well may. Apparently, she feels she needs it, and if understanding that need isn't possible for you, it may mean you're not the right partner.

 

[katamari]

Date: 2/5/2010 7:59:39 PM
Author: henearly89

ate: 2/5/2010 6:49:16 PM

Author: katamari




As a rule, I would say that 23 is too young for a professional woman to marry. If she is working at a Fortune 500 in NYC there is a very good chance that her superiors are watching her assuming that she will become more interested in pursuing a family than her profession because she is a woman. It is the nature of the patriarchal beast. Unfortunately, getting married at 23 may well send them the message that she is.

3.) I think this is sad. We''ve let careers come before family. As a school teacher, I can say that our kids are the ones who are suffering.

A+ for irony!

Maybe this is why she is hesitant.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 2/5/2010 3:21:58 PM
Author: henearly89
This couldn''t be any more true. You''ve got it all figured out Monarch. I''d just rather not play games with this decision. It''s a big one and she needs to make it on her own.

You''ve got it all wrong. She only needs to THINK she made the decision on her own.

 

[joelly]

When I was 23, I know that I wasn''t ready for marriage. But my Mom is married when she was 23 and she had me at 24.
I am married now and still not ready for kids. Perhaps next yr. I am 33 and just married on Jan 16, 2010.
So it depends on the person. Whatever she decides to do, stick with it. No refunds in this life.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Well, we got engaged and married at age 21, right after college, and have been married for over 30 years. Of our college friends who married within a couple of years of graduation, ALL are still married. The only good friend in my circle who is divorced is the one who married in her late 30''s. So I say age has nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with maturity and commitment.

(My daughter is 24 and in a serious relationship and I''d have no problem if they got married this year. And she will not be living with him before they marry...her choice.)

 

[henearly89]

Date: 2/7/2010 3:40:07 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 2/5/2010 7:59:39 PM
Author: henearly89

ate: 2/5/2010 6:49:16 PM

Author: katamari




As a rule, I would say that 23 is too young for a professional woman to marry. If she is working at a Fortune 500 in NYC there is a very good chance that her superiors are watching her assuming that she will become more interested in pursuing a family than her profession because she is a woman. It is the nature of the patriarchal beast. Unfortunately, getting married at 23 may well send them the message that she is.

3.) I think this is sad. We''ve let careers come before family. As a school teacher, I can say that our kids are the ones who are suffering.

A+ for irony!

Maybe this is why she is hesitant.

Care the explain? I realize you''re saying careers SHOULD come before family. I''m saying that I see the direct effect of that decision in the lives of 150 or so kids every year. I live in the suburbs outside of NYC. Many of my kids have parents that work 50+ hours a week each to pay a mortgage that they still can''t really afford (foreclosures are through the roof here). I can tell by the fourth or fifth week of school who those kids are. I have made the personal choice to work in a job that allows me to be home so SHE has the freedom to pursue any career she chooses. Unlike some people who feel this way, I don''t automatically assume it should be the woman making this sacrifice. I think you''ve been a bit presumptuous.

 

[Fly Girl]

23 is not too young to get married. I don''t raise an eyebrow at this. DH and I were married at 22 after dating for 3 years. This was over 30 years ago and we are doing just fine.

Best wishes to you both.