Is 23 too young to get married?

[Aloros]

Just wanted to throw in there that most weddings take around a year to plan. By the time you actually got married, she''d probably be 24.

 

[henearly89]

Careers are already firmly established. I''m a tenured teacher. She works in marketing for a Fortune500.

 

[Haven]

I think if she''s allowing other people''s opinions about whether she is old enough to marry or not influence whether she feels ready, then yes, she is too young.

She''ll become more confident in herself and her own feelings once she matures a bit, at which point she''ll probably no longer care what her friends think of her getting married at that age.

In general, I do raise an eyebrow when I hear a 23-year-old is marrying, but that''s just because people tend to marry older in my social circle.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 2/5/2010 2:56:20 PM
Author: henearly89
Careers are already firmly established. I''m a tenured teacher. She works in marketing for a Fortune500.

Clearly that makes a difference. Based on your initial poll and details, there is no way any of us can answer if you and her are too young

Don''t worry about what friends think. Just get your girlfriend a fabulous diamond and that''ll shut everyone up. hahaha

 

[upgrade]

I think that if she''s really concerned about what other people think then she''s not yet mature enough to take this step.

I was 22 when I got engaged, married at 23 and a lot of my friends thought I was too young and wondered what I was doing. My dh and I discussed it at the time, knowing that a lot of people thought I was too young and some thought we hadn''t know eachother long enough (we were engaged after 7 months, married after 1 year and 7 months). We both felt that if we waited, it would only be for everyone else because we knew we were ready (he was 31) and it really wasn''t about what anyone else thought. In all honestly I am no longer friends with some of the people who thought I was too young but it''s really only because we were at such different stages in our lives that we had nothing in common anymore. There was no fight, we just drifted apart. Now, at 32 I am a blissfully happily married stay at home mother of 2. Those former friends are mostly still single, none of them have children and they''re all far more career focused than relationship focused. I''m fine with no longer being friends with them because I''m thrilled with where my life is at and they may feel the same way about their own lives (and I hope they do). The bottom line is I made a choice for me, not everyone else, and I wouldn''t change a thing. If she''s not in that place yet, then she''s probably too young, no matter how old she is.

 

[Lilac]

I was 20 when I got married and my husband was 22. Our first anniversary is on Monday and we have never questioned whether we were too young to get married (or to be married). People have been telling us for years we''re young, we have so much time to get older and know what we want, etc. but over the last 5 and a half years our feelings have not changed at all for each other and if anything we have only grown to love each other even more. We have always been extremely, completely confident in our feelings for each other and our decision to get married to each other.

I think it really depends on the person. In my social circle and religion, many people get married at the same age I was, and sometimes even younger. Often they only date for a few weeks or months before taking that big step. Unfortunately, sometimes they are too immature to handle it, sometimes they only get married because they are "expected" to, sometimes it doesn''t work out, but sometimes it does. I don''t think age is really the main factor - I think it''s more maturity level and being sure of yourself.

DH and I dated for over 4 and a half years before getting married, and while we were young (and still are) we were both completely confident that we were making the right choice for ourselves. Anyone who has a problem with that - well, it''s not really their business, now is it?

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 2:51:44 PM
Author: henearly89
Keep in mind, this 23 year old graduated from a top tier college and has her head on straight otherwise. But for the issue of relying on the opinion of others to guide certain decisions, she has the emotional maturity of a 35 year old. We made it through her time at college apart (in different countries, no less) because our relationship was so strong.

I want to quote your post above this one, too, but I can''t figure out how. Anyway, you say you are starting to feel like a LIW here with her not being ready and you being totally ready. Look, all you have to do is tell HER that YOU aren''t ready and want to wait. She''ll be emailing you pics of rings in 10 seconds flat. Swear.

 

[henearly89]

This couldn''t be any more true. You''ve got it all figured out Monarch. I''d just rather not play games with this decision. It''s a big one and she needs to make it on her own.

 

[princesss]

I''m 23, and a few of my friends are married, and it''s never been a big surprise. Generally you can tell when somebody''s ready - and it''s not because they''re sitting around asking your opinion. IMO, if she''s so concerned with what other people will think about it, she''s not ready to be a full partner. She''s putting their concerns above your desires and hers. A full partner would put your relationship first. It''s not to say she won''t get there, just that she''s not there yet.

It sounds like she''s just not ready, and obviously you can''t force somebody into being ready. Just working for a Fortune 500 company doesn''t mean anything in terms of being ready for this, KWIM? I work for a major international company and have been promoted twice - doesn''t mean I''m ready for marriage. I think you''re focusing on the wrong things in trying to determine if she''s ready or not - it kind of sounds like you think she "should" be ready because of x, y, and z right now.

Just keep checking in with her (I call them "State of the Union" talks, to much

from my BF) and see what page she''s on. She''ll catch up eventually.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I have to say as a married 23-year-old female, I am not even voting in your thread. This is a decision that has to be made be your girlfriend and you. Our opinions of whether or not someone is old enough or too young (usually the majority opinion) are really irrelevant. Please go talk with her and make this decision because it really doesn''t matter what we or anyone else thinks. Both of you are either ready and in a financial position as well as position in your life to get married or not, period. Sorry if I sound snarky, I am not trying to be.

 

[henearly89]

We''re 18 year olds looking to let someone else tell us if we are ready or not lol. I''m just trying to get some opinions on societal perceptions. This seemed like a good forum, since the 25+ female demographic is well represented here. I''ve already decided to wait. Relax.

 

[henearly89]

NOT ***

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 3:53:53 PM
Author: henearly89
We''re 18 year olds looking to let someone else tell us if we are ready or not lol. I''m just trying to get some opinions on societal perceptions. This seemed like a good forum, since the 25+ female demographic is well represented here. I''ve already decided to wait. Relax.

Oh Em Gee, DITTO.

Sarah, glad you read through the thread first before you responded. Sheesh.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 2/5/2010 3:18:00 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 2/5/2010 2:51:44 PM
Author: henearly89
Keep in mind, this 23 year old graduated from a top tier college and has her head on straight otherwise. But for the issue of relying on the opinion of others to guide certain decisions, she has the emotional maturity of a 35 year old. We made it through her time at college apart (in different countries, no less) because our relationship was so strong.

I want to quote your post above this one, too, but I can''t figure out how. Anyway, you say you are starting to feel like a LIW here with her not being ready and you being totally ready. Look, all you have to do is tell HER that YOU aren''t ready and want to wait. She''ll be emailing you pics of rings in 10 seconds flat. Swear.

Hilariously true.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 2/5/2010 3:59:21 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 2/5/2010 3:53:53 PM

Author: henearly89

We''re 18 year olds looking to let someone else tell us if we are ready or not lol. I''m just trying to get some opinions on societal perceptions. This seemed like a good forum, since the 25+ female demographic is well represented here. I''ve already decided to wait. Relax.

Oh Em Gee, DITTO.


Sarah, glad you read through the thread first before you responded. Sheesh.

Sorry if I came off too strong Monny. Just wanted to reinforce it.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 3:21:58 PM
Author: henearly89
This couldn''t be any more true. You''ve got it all figured out Monarch. I''d just rather not play games with this decision. It''s a big one and she needs to make it on her own.

Maybe you could steer her towards the LIW threads about how to wrangle a proposal out of a man? I kid, I kid.

I''m glad you care enough to come to PS and raise a question that men very rarely ask (or maybe they just don''t feel comfortable asking.) Nothing wrong with bouncing ideas off others.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 4:20:03 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS

Date: 2/5/2010 3:59:21 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 2/5/2010 3:53:53 PM

Author: henearly89

We''re 18 year olds looking to let someone else tell us if we are ready or not lol. I''m just trying to get some opinions on societal perceptions. This seemed like a good forum, since the 25+ female demographic is well represented here. I''ve already decided to wait. Relax.

Oh Em Gee, DITTO.


Sarah, glad you read through the thread first before you responded. Sheesh.

Sorry if I came off too strong Monny. Just wanted to reinforce it.

No worries. It''s Friday, long week, tired brain.

 

[elle_chris]

I''m from NYC, and in my circle 23 was way too young. Mature or not we still wanted to hang out with friends, meet new people, get comfortable in our careers and lives. Lots of us were in long term relationships. Some stayed together and got married in their late 20''s (28,29), the rest broke up (like me) and got married in their early 30''s.

It''s not the norm here to get married so young. In fact, when I remember what my friends and I were like back in our early 20''s.. WOW.. half of us were just a divorce waiting to happen.
But, if someone at 23 told me they were getting married, I''d raise an eyebrow but wish them the best. It''s really no one''s business after all.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Ditto, major headache right now not even sure why. Think it's all the snow, arrrrgh snow!


P.S. henearly89 I wanted to also say I am glad to hear that you decided to wait, I think you're making the right decision if she's acting like she's not ready.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/5/2010 2:00:16 PM
Author: Chase035
My friends are all teachers. My friends are also 28 and most are engaged or married. Her friends went the med school path. Most are single. We''re live in NY and both went to Ivy league colleges, so that''s a big part of this. Our social circle doesn''t tend to get married til 30+. I just find it ridiculous to wait 12+ years with the person you know you want to be with just because society says thats normal.

DH and I went to an Ivy League and now live near NY city. Many of our friends are in med school, grad school, etc and probably won''t get married any time soon. We did have a few friends marry right out of college and I don''t remember anyone telling them they were too young.

Is there a possibility that her friends are saying this because they know her, personally, and think she is too young and not ready to marry? When my friends got married at 23, none of us questioned their maturity or readiness to be married. And as I said before, DH and I married at 25 and nobody questioned us either despite the fact that almost all of our friends are unmarried.

 

[havernell]

I'm confused- are henearly89 and Chase035 both the OP (it sort of seems like it from the postings...)

Anyway, to the OP, I'm also glad you decided to wait a while because I was going to ask you your own question in a different way (I'll still post since it might be helpful to think about anyway):

Why is there this need to get married when she's 23? If you know you both want to be together, why can't you continue to be together as you are now (as boyfriend and girlfriend) for a few more years? You don't' have to be married to be a committed couple.

Are you fearing that 28+ is too old to *not* to be married (societal thinking about marriage and age in the opposite direction)?

Just some things to think about reagrding why you feel the need to get married now (that's more than simply "we've been together for 6 years," since that's not really a good reason in and of itself).

 

[henearly89]

Why now? Because it''s time to move in together (financially speaking, it''s necessary; socially, it''s desired on both of our ends). She wants to do it without getting engaged. I don''t want to do it if we aren''t engaged.

I find this idea of moving in together but not getting engaged, even though you plan to, silly. I would understand if you were the partying, night club in NYC type. That''s not us.

 

[henearly89]

I really am a LIW in the truest sense. Given the new societal trends for women to wait to have kids until they are postgrad (combined with the fact that the average guy is 3+ years older than said female), the MIW evoluation is upon us.

 

[henearly89]

If we waited til she was post-grad, I''d be 36 before we got married. Keep in mind I met her at 19 and we were dating since I was 22 and she was 18. We''d be living together for 13 years. What the hell is the point of getting married if that''s the case?

I just don''t understand the concept of living together for years before getting engaged.

 

[princesss]

Date: 2/5/2010 4:40:51 PM
Author: henearly89
Why now? Because it's time to move in together (financially speaking, it's necessary; socially, it's desired on both of our ends). She wants to do it without getting engaged. I don't want to do it if we aren't engaged.

I find this idea of moving in together but not getting engaged, even though you plan to, silly. I would understand if you were the partying, night club in NYC type. That's not us.

Why is it silly if you're ready for one but not the other?

ETA: Just saw that you seem to object more to a length of time than to the concept.

In my experience, living together has a way of making marriage seem less like something different and scary, and more like a solidification of something that's already there. Before we lived together the idea of marriage was very intimidating. But having moved in together, it is clearer to me how natural it could be, and seems more like a natural progression. So I wouldn't be surprised if you move in together and it speeds up her timeline.

 

[Kaleigh]

I don''t have an age thing when it comes to getting engaged, married... It really comes down to how mature the couple IS.

Hear me out for a sec. YOU are there, she''s going to need more time...

I was engaged at 23, married at 24 and just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary.

We are very happy. Have 2 grown kids and are having a blast having US time....

My question to you..... Why is she basing this on what her friends say??

If my friends had said that to me, way back then?? I would have said, glad to hear your opinion, but this is right for ME.

Is your GF ready to do that???

You don''t get married because it''s enough years, you get married because you love one another and can''t imagine not being together.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/5/2010 4:40:51 PM
Author: henearly89
Why now? Because it''s time to move in together (financially speaking, it''s necessary; socially, it''s desired on both of our ends). She wants to do it without getting engaged. I don''t want to do it if we aren''t engaged.

I find this idea of moving in together but not getting engaged, even though you plan to, silly. I would understand if you were the partying, night club in NYC type. That''s not us.

Would it be totally inappropriate if I told you to hide the BCP or make a teensy little incision in a condom? I''m sorry. I couldn''t resist.

I am surely going to hell now.

So you think it''s silly. Hmm. Of course we are all entitled to our opinions/thoughts/feelings on these issues...but if you aren''t the partying NYC couple then why does it matter if you''re engaged or not prior to living together? Is it just that you have an ideal concept of how you want things to go? Is it possible at all that she senses that you need to have a lot of control over the process here? Just thinking aloud.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I have one more question, is it an option to wait to live together until you''re closer to getting engaged and THEN get engaged shortly after? DH and I moved in together Summer of 07 with the understanding that we were getting closer to being ready to be engaged and starting a ring fund (I was still in college, so he had to pay for it out of his money since he was the one with the job)..we got engaged Feb 14, 2008. Married June 20, 2009. So we lived together abt 2 yrs before getting married, but were engaged the majority of the time.

 

[Hest88]

Obviously it depends on the couple. We can all drag out Dear Abby letters where couple married right out of high school and just celebrated their 60th anniversary. And obviously right here on PS there are plenty of happy couples who married in their early 20s.

However, theoretically, I do think that 23 is young. I think that women mature quite a bit in their 20s, and really come into their own as (hopefully) confident adults who know what they want in life. She''s been attached to you through all her formulative teen years. She''s finally making her own money, responsible for her own living, and that will shape a good deal of her adulthood. Hopefully, it means she will grow even more sure of your marriage, but I don''t think it hurts for her to have the time to think things through.

I''m glad you''re waiting. Pressuring her would probably just make her more anxious. This gives her the space to have clarity.

 

[lyra]

I got married at 21 (he was 24) after 1 year of dating. It''ll be 27 years this year. My daughters will be 20 and 23 this year. The oldest is not in a longterm relationship, but if she was, yes, I can see her getting married now. The youngest, I think she might wait quite a while. I voted it''s okay based on your circumstances, which is to me the same thing as saying yes, it depends on the people.

Marriage is a lot of work and both people need to share that responsibility equally.