Wedding I''m upset and want to know if I should be LOL

[Shoopy]

Sometimes it helps to get 3rd party opinions.

My best friend''s wedding is fast approaching and I have spent some $$ on it. Part of the cost has been my dress which was about $150. Not thrilled about spending $150 on a dress since I''m not a dress person (I don''t even wear dresses to weddings as a guest) but at least I have the option of wearing it again if I wanted to or giving it to my mom if she wants to wear it. Overall, the cost is about $250 for my attire including shoes and alterations.

After purchasing the dress I found out she bought her step daughter her dress since she is also a BM. That''s totally fine because that''s their daughter and she''s 11. I also found out she bought her sister''s dress. Ok...that''s her sister so fine.

But then I go on to find out that they also purchased $200 Tommy Bahama shirts for the three groomsmen along with $120 matching shoes...and she wants me to help find pants for them that will go along with their shirts. Mind you, these are men that make more than myself, my fiance, her, and her fiance combined times two.

So now I''m a little annoyed that they would get the entire bridal party their attire...except me...the MOH.

So there you have it...

 

[Morgie44]

I would be pretty annoyed by this, but I don''t think that there is a good way to approach this subject with out it becoming a problem so I would probably let it go. You accepted the position expecting to pay for a dress, so you aren''t out anymore than you expected to be when you accepted the role.

 

[Haven]

I wouldn't say "stop being a baby" but I do not think you have a right to be upset. My guess is that the couple has reasons for choosing to purchase shirts for their groomsmen, and reasons for not choosing to purchase your dress for you.

The bottom line (IMO) is that you accepted the request to stand up in this wedding, and if you're in the US it's customary for the bridal party to pay for their own attire. They have every right to spend their money the way they choose to spend it.

In my experience, there is rarely a balance between friends' generosity, and counting other people's money and the way they spend it never seems to end well.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/28/2008 2:54:42 PM
Author: Morgie44
I would be pretty annoyed by this, but I don''t think that there is a good way to approach this subject with out it becoming a problem so I would probably let it go. You accepted the position expecting to pay for a dress, so you aren''t out anymore than you expected to be when you accepted the role.

That was a tongue twister Morgie! LOL

And I agree. Had I not known that she paid for all of their attire, I wouldn''t have even thought twice about anything. I wouldn''t tell her anything because of exactly what you wrote but wanted to see if I was being a baby or if others would get annoyed too.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I don''t understand the poll responses. What does OOOO girl, no she doesn''t mean?

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/28/2008 3:01:41 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
I don''t understand the poll responses. What does OOOO girl, no she doesn''t mean?

I think it means "I would be upset, too"

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/28/2008 3:01:41 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
I don''t understand the poll responses. What does OOOO girl, no she doesn''t mean?

It means you would be annoyed too.

Haven-I hear what you are saying, thank you for the response. It shocked me a little to get her email saying that as I know these men can very well afford the attire. I wouldn''t say that I could "afford" it myself but it didn''t stop me from paying the bills or anything. I guess I was a little hurt that they would do it out of courtesy and trying to be nice to them but didn''t think to extend the same courtesy to me and I can''t really put my mind around why it would be ok to spend $1,200 for everyone else and not throw in an extra $150 for the person that has helped you throughout the entire process. So in the end I am feeling a little baby-ish.

I most likely would have turned down the offer as I understand its customary to buy your own (I say most likely because not having gone through that scenario with her, I really can''t say what I would have/would not have done).

 

[elrohwen]

Hmm, I tried to post, but I got an error message.

I think you have a right to be pissed, I would be too. I think it''s inconsiderate that the couple is willing to purchase expensive outfits for the groomsmen (who I assume aren''t family members) but assume the MOH will foot the bill for her things. However, I wouldn''t say anything about it to her (not sure if you were planning to or not) because I''d try to avoid drama before the wedding. It still sucks for you though.

 

[blondebunny]

I put the OOO girl no she didnt response... But I think your issue goes way deeper than this... this girl probably goes down for the worst friends in history. I dont even know why you''re still doing anything for her... I really hope you choose not to associate yourself with her after this unless she does a 360 or something... But really... there is nothing to do about it now unless you plan on sending her a bill for everything she made you foot the bill for (that crazy trip to the keys and what not)

Oh and if you really wanted it back, I mean maybe give her the receipt and see what she does and just say oh, I figured u were paying for it since you paid for your sister, daughter, and the groomsmens outfits... I mean did she say you had to pay for it, or do you even know if she plans to pay you back???

Goodluck!

 

[Elmorton]

Maybe this is a stupid question...but do you know that she''s outright paying for the groomsmen? She could be just the purchaser and they''re paying her back...?

I chipped in for some of my bridesmaids'' attire and not others, and honestly, I don''t think it''s anyone''s right to question that. I understand how you could feel slighted, but at the same time, I have to ditto Haven 100%.

 

[sunnyd]

It would have been okay if it was just the daughter and sister. As soon as she threw in the GMs, then I would be upset. Was she thinking or hoping you wouldn''t find out that they paid for everyone else?

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/28/2008 3:27:44 PM
Author: Elmorton
Maybe this is a stupid question...but do you know that she''s outright paying for the groomsmen? She could be just the purchaser and they''re paying her back...?

I chipped in for some of my bridesmaids'' attire and not others, and honestly, I don''t think it''s anyone''s right to question that. I understand how you could feel slighted, but at the same time, I have to ditto Haven 100%.

Well I didn''t want to post what she wrote to not skew the responses but basically she was talking about the added costs to the wedding and said "we are paying xx for such and such food and picking up the groosmen attire tab."

She went on to say why which I won''t post again not to skew the responses.

The silver lining in all of this is that because I paid for my own dress I did get to choose the one that I wanted whereas everyone is getting what they pick.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/28/2008 2:57:48 PM
Author: Haven
I wouldn''t say ''stop being a baby'' but I do not think you have a right to be upset. My guess is that the couple has reasons for choosing to purchase shirts for their groomsmen, and reasons for not choosing to purchase your dress for you.


The bottom line (IMO) is that you accepted the request to stand up in this wedding, and if you''re in the US it''s customary for the bridal party to pay for their own attire. They have every right to spend their money the way they choose to spend it.


In my experience, there is rarely a balance between friends'' generosity, and counting other people''s money and the way they spend it never seems to end well.

I agree with Haven...I assume there must be a reason. But it is a bit odd.

 

[Haven]

I do think it was insensitive of her to tell you that she is purchasing the other BP members'' attire, and I can understand that you would react to that. However, I still firmly believe that just because she purchase attire for others does not make her beholden to purchase anything for you.

It sounds like there''s some history here with this bride that I''m not aware of. I''m sorry to hear that she''s been difficult; weddings seem to bring out the nasty in some people. This is why I''ve decided to only stand up in my sisters'' future weddings--I love them, and I already know them well enough to know that I''ll not only have to pay for my own gear, but I''ll probably have to pay for a ton of things for them, too. Gotta love being the eldest.

 

[Shoopy]

I agree Haven and I would never even dare go back to her now and say hey by the way, where''s my money for my dress. That''s a little immature IMO. And its not like I didn''t plan on the cost to begin with. It just struck me as odd. As for her telling me about the costs or what she is buying, that''s a little weird too but normal in our relationship because she tells me everything (even if I don''t want to hear it

).

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/28/2008 3:35:51 PM
Author: sunnyd
It would have been okay if it was just the daughter and sister. As soon as she threw in the GMs, then I would be upset. Was she thinking or hoping you wouldn''t find out that they paid for everyone else?

Yeah I''d be the same. I think that family are fine but if she''s buying for the GM also, then I''d be a bit peeved.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Maybe her fiance is paying for the guys, or maybe she thinks that she''d rather spend money on a meaningful thank you gift for you. I know I plan on paying for one sister''s dress and buying an inexpensive gift and then having my cousin and other sister pay for their dresses and spending more money on their gifts. I''ve been thinking about their gifts for a while, and I want them to be special. However, my older sister doesn''t make very much money, even though she can afford a dress, and she always loses things, so I thought paying for her dress would be the best gift. Maybe she''ll get jealous because her gift won''t be as fancy. Maybe my cousin and younger sister might wish I''d pay for their dresses too instead of a big gift... who knows!

I think your problem and what is peeving you is with the friend taking advantage of you more than anything else.

 

[oobiecoo]

From my experience as a former bride, I would never pay for ALL of the wedding party''s attire except for 1 person! I am really conscious of offending or upsetting friends with situations like these... and I think if she paid for so many people already, its really unfair and uncool to leave out only one person. It kind of sounds like she is taking advantage of her MOH. I''d wait until after the wedding and then maybe talk to her about it.

 

[Shoopy]

Yeah I''m not going to mention anything to her right now or even after. She sent me the list of all of the stuff she has to do and with five weeks left to the big day, she is unbelievably stressed out. Her fiance isn''t helping her do anything...not even to hem his own pants

so she needs help, not complaints.

But dang LOL

 

[gtn]

I would be annoyed, but I wouldn''t say anything to the bride.

We purchased everything for our wedding party and we gave them all expensive gifts.

I''m sorry you are going through not only this, but all the other drama. You don''t deserve to be walked over like this.

 

[kama_s]

I would most certainly be annoyed, but more because of everything she''s done so far to you. What she did, while she might have her own reasons, just seems odd and on it''s own wouldn''t have been that big an issues. But when you take everything you''ve had to deal with, it does seem like she has a ''oh it''s just fiery, she''ll take care of it/do it'' attitude.

That said, I wouldn''t make an issue about it to her, especially considering the stress you mentioned she has at the moment. I''d also really like to know her reasoning behind this, so I''ll wait until you post more on that.

 

[kittybean]

Ugh. You are such a patient person, fiery! I've read most of your threads about the innumerable issues you've had with this ungrateful, selfish bride, and for me, this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. I thought your "oooh girl, no she didn't!" response was right on target, because that was exactly what I was thinking as I read through your post. I honestly can't believe how she treats her closest friend. I am so incensed for you!

This kind of bride gives the rest of us a bad name. The worst part? She probably has no idea, and never will.

ETA: My last sentence doesn't refer to anything you have said or done, fiery--she sounds like the kind of person who could be told a hundred times by a hundred different people that she's the bridezilla to end all bridezillas, but she'd still come away thinking they were all in the wrong.

 

[MishB]

You describe her as your best friend, but you can''t just ask her in a gentle, non-confronting way?

 

[purrfectpear]

Why would it be anyone''s business except the B & G what they choose to do with their money?

Feel annoyed if you must, but bottom line is that even though they shared that info...it''s not really your business to decide who they should finance and who not. Right?

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/29/2008 10:39:42 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Why would it be anyone''s business except the B & G what they choose to do with their money?

Feel annoyed if you must, but bottom line is that even though they shared that info...it''s not really your business to decide who they should finance and who not. Right?

Purrfectpear--You consistently say what I''m thinking, and you always do so in a much more concise and clear manner than I am able to do. So, to be brief: ditto!

 

[MissManna]

I agree that the B&G have the right to pay for whomever and whatever, since it''s their wedding. However, I really do think it is extremely tacky that she told you that she was paying for everyone else. If you found out on your own, then that would be something you did of your own accord, but the fact that she told you all the shings she was paying for is a little odd.

 

[Shoopy]

I just wanted to make it clear to everyone that I was not, have not, and still am not expecting the bride and groom to pay for any of my attire whatsoever.

However, it seemed odd and a little upsetting to me that they would pay for everyone but their MOH and wanted opinions on whether or not others agree that I should be upset or if others feel its not a big deal.

This wasn't a poll for me to then decide to go back to the bride and ask for my money. If I won't even ask her for $20 for gas for the trip I took with her, I wouldn't even dare ask for $150.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I was trying to "decide" for them what they should do with their money or that I would go back and tell her what to do with her money. I don't know much, but I know a little better than to dictate to someone else how to use their own income.

I also wasn't trying to make it my business on who/what they finance. That information was given to me in an email. I didn't even respond to her about that particular issue.

Again, I just felt annoyed and upset that they would extend that courtesy to everyone else but me and wasn't sure if this is a normal practice for everyone and whether I should be upset or not. For me personally, I would never pay for everyone but one person. That would be like paying for everyone's meal at the reception except one guest. It doesn't make sense, at least not to me but I can understand if others feel differently.

 

[Gwyn]

I didn''t want to vote because both options seemed a little extreme.

I think I would be pretty confused by this. I mean they bought all the other attendants outfits but yours...seems a little odd. But it could be that they are using the outfits as their "gifts" to those attendants and have something different in mind for you.

I paid for all my girls attire and such but we did not pay for the groomsmen''s because FI had somethign else in mind for them (plus we rented tuxes and paying for their rental means they woudnt have gotten an actual item to keep).

i guess i woud just wait and see what developed. You could try broaching the subject with her kind of jokingly saying somethign like "so your buying this like you bought everyone elses, right?" but I think that you are taking a risk even bringing it up.

Technically you signed on to be her MOH knowing of the costs. She really hasn''t "wronged" you in any way. Being especially nice to someone else doesnt mean she is mistreating you, but I can totally see how you could feel slighted by this. I mean being her MOH should mean you are the person closest to her, if there is anyone she would be being especially nice to, it should be you.

Tough situation. good luck

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I didn't vote because I also think both options are a bit extreme. I was in a friend's BP about 8 years ago when I was fresh out of college. The bride and groom paid for my attire and as far as I know, no one else other than the groom's sister. I first of all was very gracious about it and spent the money I expected to spend on attire getting them a great present for their wedding. I also made it a point to never tell a single other member of the BP that they had paid for my attire.

Now that FF and I are talking about getting married next year, I was thinking of asking them if their daughter would be a flower girl, and I fully intend to pay for her attire and flight to our DW and I would hope that: a) No one would question me b) That if somehow word got out, that other people would realize that I have my reasons and leave it at that.

In addition, another member of the original BP will also be invited as the three of us are close friends and I really do hope that the topic doesn't ever come up again as I was really not in the financial position that I am in today. I remember thinking at the time that it was a very generous gesture and it really showed that they wanted everyone who was important to them to stand with them regardless of financial status.

ETA: I just mentioned this to FF and he said that another possibility is that the groomsmen might have a tradition of doing this if they have been friends for a long time. He's been in 4 weddings for his friends and the Groom has paid his attire in all of them. He expects that he will have to pay for the other 4 guys when our time comes next year.

 

[Shoopy]

MrsH-I can see your issue and that sounds normal to me.

I knew she had paid for her sister's attire before and I understood that. Besides that being her sister, she also just recently lost her job and is flying here from Oregon to attend the wedding. I'm using my points to get her sister out here because I know she can't afford the flight.

One or two people I can understand. When we have our own wedding, we'll most likely pay for MOH/BM attire because there will be no wedding party other than them.

I just thought it was weird that they would pay for the entire bridal party, including footwear, minus one person.

But I'm understanding what everyone is saying and that's why I asked the question. For me it was weird but it seems like the general consensus here, even from some that are our etiquette gurus, feels this isn't a weird practice which is good for me to know in case I run into something like this again. I'm still a little "huh" about it but I'm not upset over it anymore.

ETA-Don't know about the tradition but they have been friends for a long time so maybe that's a possibility.

I know what her reasoning behind it was because she mentioned it in the email to me but even then it was a little strange to me. Basically, they were in a situation where everyone had paid for some item that was x amount and J, her fiance, couldn't buy it. So the guys started poking fun and making comments. Both J and M, my friend, felt embarrassed and didn't want them to think they were financially strapped so they decided to pay for their attire (and upgrade their hotel rooms).

So its very possible that its a tradition with them to splurge on each other and that's why they are doing it now. Not sure.