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I'm a widow

missy

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Dearest @PintoBean I am so sorry you are dealing with a deep sense of loneliness and melancholy.

I hope you take heart knowing you have come so far from the darkest days. Losing your husband is (one of) the most traumatic thing(s) that can happen in life and you are dealing with it one day at a time with grace and strength and humor and courage. I admire you in so many ways. You are starting your new beginning and doing it so well even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. You are handing it with such strength.


“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied”
BY EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending you lots of hugs and love.
 
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Big Fat Facets

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:| "this too shall pass"
i realize it may not feel like it but have faith things will look up if you allow it to...be kind and gentle with yourself allow your self to ride the wave of emotions without judging yourself.
I promise you things will get better!
 

PintoBean

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I think the biggest impact of my husband dying is that he is a PEER dying. 2 months older. So now, all that, "it can wait till we retire", or "whatever, it can wait till tomorrow" kinda mindset isn't my go to way of thinking any more. I may not have tomorrow. This shit is real. I'm outliving my husband! Now, I live by this: at the end of the day, no matter how good or bad my day is, I have to be able to ask myself, did I live it the best that i can? And answer, yes. There's no bad behavior in anticipation of redeeming myself in the future. If I'm gonna be bad, I gotta own it and be cool with it bahahaha cuz there might not be a tomorrow to repair things.

I come off initially as very easy going, blowing with the wind, but I'm really a ball of control freaky anxiety ridden energy lol. Post widowhood, I'm matching my outside more. I'm going with the flow more. Bc there might not be a tomorrow!

And where am I going with this? I heard the kids next door clearly throwing a party. I heard one tell his guests that the rest of the guest are on the roof. So at 1030 pm on a friday night, I went to MY roof, which is separated from theirs by a low wall. I walked out, smiled and laughed and asked, "where did my invite go? Who do I talk to about getting a drink?" Never got a beer in my hand quicker :lol-2:. They were scared I was gonna tell them they were loud. :lol:

Kids were playing dr dre and eminem, ja rule and ashanti, and I was like, "what do you call this music? Classical?" They replied, "hip hop". I let them know I was listening to this in college. They told me they listened to this in the 3rd grade. I told them I listened to tiffany and debbie Gibson in the 3rd grade. They went, "huh? Who's that?" I replied, "ask your mom!" :lol-2:

Omg I'm dying. 40 year old widow cat lady crashed a 23-25 year olds party.:lol:
 

missy

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I think the biggest impact of my husband dying is that he is a PEER dying. 2 months older. So now, all that, "it can wait till we retire", or "whatever, it can wait till tomorrow" kinda mindset isn't my go to way of thinking any more. I may not have tomorrow. This shit is real. I'm outliving my husband! Now, I live by this: at the end of the day, no matter how good or bad my day is, I have to be able to ask myself, did I live it the best that i can? And answer, yes. There's no bad behavior in anticipation of redeeming myself in the future. If I'm gonna be bad, I gotta own it and be cool with it bahahaha cuz there might not be a tomorrow to repair things.

I come off initially as very easy going, blowing with the wind, but I'm really a ball of control freaky anxiety ridden energy lol. Post widowhood, I'm matching my outside more. I'm going with the flow more. Bc there might not be a tomorrow!

And where am I going with this? I heard the kids next door clearly throwing a party. I heard one tell his guests that the rest of the guest are on the roof. So at 1030 pm on a friday night, I went to MY roof, which is separated from theirs by a low wall. I walked out, smiled and laughed and asked, "where did my invite go? Who do I talk to about getting a drink?" Never got a beer in my hand quicker :lol-2:. They were scared I was gonna tell them they were loud. :lol:

Kids were playing dr dre and eminem, ja rule and ashanti, and I was like, "what do you call this music? Classical?" They replied, "hip hop". I let them know I was listening to this in college. They told me they listened to this in the 3rd grade. I told them I listened to tiffany and debbie Gibson in the 3rd grade. They went, "huh? Who's that?" I replied, "ask your mom!" :lol-2:

Omg I'm dying. 40 year old widow cat lady crashed a 23-25 year olds party.:lol:

Full of wisdom @PintoBean. Wise beyond your years.

This right here:
So now, all that, "it can wait till we retire", or "whatever, it can wait till tomorrow" kinda mindset isn't my go to way of thinking any more. I may not have tomorrow.
Yup. Exactly. Sobering.

I was just saying in another thread how my dad always said to me when I was younger and I was stressed about some silly or not silly thing he would say "Missy, no one gets out of this life alive" ::) And while that fact sucks (and it does) we gotta make the most of our lives the best we can. Cause life isn't fair and it is challenging and hard and sad but we have to embrace the joyous times and deal with the bad times as best we are able to. That is all anyone can do. Our best. And live in the moment because that is all we are truly promised. This moment right here and now.

Continued good wishes being sent your way and big PB (((hugs))).

And so glad you crashed their party and had fun doing it. You rock PB.:appl:
 

Tekate

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@PintoBean you reached the sink or swim in life. You have experienced the worst life event a person can have happen to them. I have thoroughly enjoyed your food odyssey, I have actually wanted to try a lot of stuff you eat, except that tomato thing ;-)

You are now creating a life as a survivor. When I went thru my divorce situation (which is #2 on the hit parade of life stress) I reached my sink or swim about 2 years after the separation and the divorce went thru, there were other things happening in my life, it was quite complicated and quite srewed up at the time, sink or swim time for me. I made mistakes that turned out to be the best mistakes of my life.

In one of my therapy sessions after the end of the marriage my therapist said that one has to make new memories in life after the ending of a marriage/relationship, and I tried to do that, good memories to replace the bad ones. My divorce was of course freedom from a horrendous marriage, quite a different situation than yours, having your husband stolen from you, a good marriage. So I recognize my situation was different but none the less I think I have been able to watch this hard journey you have been thrown into in life and I think you've done a hella great job in moving forward the best you could.
 

MissGotRocks

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PB, I think you honor your husband by living the best life you can. I am sure he would have not only wanted you to go on but to thrive in your life without him. You have been to the lowest point and known that pain of loss deeply. Waiting for the 'right time' to do anything is just wrong and we all need to know and understand that. You are light years ahead of many of us and I encourage you to move ahead and enjoy your life to the fullest. You are a warrior and I admire your spirit! Hugs!
 

coda72

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I have followed along with you since the beginning, although I haven’t commented until now. I commend you for continuing to try and live the best life you can, and your most recent post really resonates with me. You see, I consider myself a widow of sorts although my husband is living. He has brain cancer which is terminal in most cases, so I try to live each day like it is our last. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned from the life I’m living. I wish we lived near each other so we could meet because I think we’d have a lot in common.
 

MissGotRocks

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@coda72, I am so sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis I admire your spirit and your grit in the face of all of this. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Take care and I hope your husband has longer with you than either of you might imagine.
 

coda72

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Thank you, MGR for your kind thoughts. As with almost everything in life, it’s not as simple as having more time together. He has lost quite a bit of mental and physical capacity, so I have had to abandon my career and become his full time caregiver as well as raising our young child while I’m in my mid 40s. Sometimes I think it would be be easier to be a widow, but of course I feel guilty for such thoughts.

But to turn this back to Pintobean, I raise a glass to you. Live the best life you can, that is all any of us can do.
 

PintoBean

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@coda72 I read what you wrote, and all I have to say is,
YOU ARE STRONG!
Use this thread if you ever need support, because we are even stronger when we come together.

Somewhere buried in loupetroop is a contact for me if you want to email off PS.
 

coda72

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Sorry, PB for taking over your thread. I had a couple of beers last night and was feeling melancholy about my life. But just remember how far you’ve come, and how strong you are as well.
 

PintoBean

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Sorry, PB for taking over your thread. I had a couple of beers last night and was feeling melancholy about my life. But just remember how far you’ve come, and how strong you are as well.
You are absolutely not taking over the thread. WE are all here for you. Hugs! =)2
 

canuk-gal

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Thank you, MGR for your kind thoughts. As with almost everything in life, it’s not as simple as having more time together. He has lost quite a bit of mental and physical capacity, so I have had to abandon my career and become his full time caregiver as well as raising our young child while I’m in my mid 40s. Sometimes I think it would be be easier to be a widow, but of course I feel guilty for such thoughts.

But to turn this back to Pintobean, I raise a glass to you. Live the best life you can, that is all any of us can do.

Wow Coda. You have a lot on your plate. I am sorry for your husband's diagnosis. I hope you get some support (our gov't provides support for caregivers) where you need it as it is such a big job. Strength to you and yours and healing vibes across the miles.

kind regards--Sharon
 

missy

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@PintoBean I joined you in widowhood on Friday. These first days are so hard to navigate. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of doing everything. Hope you’re doing well.


My deepest condolences @coda72. I am so sorry.


Dear @PintoBean I think of you every day and sending you hugs and love.
 

Daisys and Diamonds

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@PintoBean I joined you in widowhood on Friday. These first days are so hard to navigate. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of doing everything. Hope you’re doing well.
im so sorry for you coda72
sending you an internet hug
 

arkieb1

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@PintoBean I joined you in widowhood on Friday. These first days are so hard to navigate. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of doing everything. Hope you’re doing well.

Deepest condolences to you and your family.
 

Dandi

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I'm so very sorry @coda72. Much, much love to you and your family.
 

AV_

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I wish you could let these days pass you by ,( I am so sorry...
 

PintoBean

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@PintoBean I joined you in widowhood on Friday. These first days are so hard to navigate. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of doing everything. Hope you’re doing well.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This isn't a fun club to join. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but that would be a lie. It gets DIFFERENT.

Ask for help. Remember that you can't take care of anyone until you take care of yourself first, or else you'll be sucking at both, if that makes sense. And make sure that you protect yourself from people who are "trying to help because they can't help themselves", if that makes sense. They end up taking a lot more from you than they give, so right now, when you're running on empty, it's ok to pick and choose who you want to engage.
 

lovedogs

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@PintoBean I joined you in widowhood on Friday. These first days are so hard to navigate. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of doing everything. Hope you’re doing well.
I'm so sorry @coda72 . Gentle hugs. My DHs father died from cancer that metastasized to his brain near the end, so from his stories I can imagine how incredibly difficult and heartbreaking this has been for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I would definitely recommend contacting @PintoBean Offline. She is so kind and has been through some of the things that you will (and are) expeeienxing. It would be good to have someone to lean on who understands and isn't in your immediate family (and therefore is move removed from their own grief).
 

VRBeauty

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Thank you, MGR for your kind thoughts. As with almost everything in life, it’s not as simple as having more time together. He has lost quite a bit of mental and physical capacity, so I have had to abandon my career and become his full time caregiver as well as raising our young child while I’m in my mid 40s. Sometimes I think it would be be easier to be a widow, but of course I feel guilty for such thoughts.

But to turn this back to Pintobean, I raise a glass to you. Live the best life you can, that is all any of us can do.

Coda - I don’t want to admit the feelings of despair and resentment - yes, resentment - that I went through at time during the five years or so when I was the primary person in charge of my dad’s care. I know our circumstances are very different, but I suspect some of the feelings and fears are similar. You were thrust into a life you didn’t expect, couldn’t anticipate, that totally derailed the vision you had for your life at this point and will likely continue to do so going forward. And your fears, coupled with the feeling that you shouldn’t have any negative feelings at all about caring for someone you love, are creating guilt.

Caregiving is hard. Feeling anger or despair about the situation is natural. If have the chance to take time out to just indulge yourself, please do that. (For me, that often meant spending an hour or so at a nearby coffee shop.) if you have a chance to commiserate with other with similar responsibilities, do so. Remember to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of those around you. And to accept help when it’s offered!
 

Austina

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I’m so very sorry @coda72, my sincerest condolences on your terrible loss.
 

Ally T

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@coda72 Huge condolences. Please take all the time you need to do whatever you feel you need to. Everybody reacts to the loss of a loved family member differently, so only bite off what you can chew, ask for help when you need to & be angry at everything whenever the hell you want. Big hugs.
 

Ally T

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@PintoBean I'm glad you are still hanging in there. I remember having to "find a NEW normal" after the sudden loss of my gorgeous father when I was younger & still living at home. I cannot say enough how right you are about things being completely different. And I love that you gate crashed that party!
 

Bonfire

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So sorry for your loss @coda72. Big gentle hugs.
@PintoBean you impress the he** out of me! Big hugs to you too!
 

sweet_blossom

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@coda72, so sorry for your loss. sending healing prayers.
@PintoBean, thinking of you and wishing you continued strength.
 
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