I'm a widow

[House Cat]

Dearest PB,

Can you give yourself permission to take a vacation from personally performing any repairs or looking for things that stress you out until your heart is feeling stronger? You can say that this vacation is in the interest of preserving your healing energy. That energy is precious.

With love and admiration,
HC

 

[PintoBean]

Dearest PB,

Can you give yourself permission to take a vacation from personally performing any repairs or looking for things that stress you out until your heart is feeling stronger? You can say that this vacation is in the interest of preserving your healing energy. That energy is precious.

With love and admiration,
HC

What a wonderful way to put it. I'm on vacation from "x". It's more glass half full than saying I can't handle this right now.

I've had two sessions with the shrink where she brought up Anthony Bourdain and how I feel about it. I told her the conspiracy theories that I'm fascinated by, gleaned from celeb blinds. It might not be how or why he's deceased but I always believe that if someone can conceive it, somewhere else someone has brought it to fruition. It felt like a waste last week bc she didn't seem really "present" in the session. A couple of sessions ago she told me she was still trying to figure me out. It was like deja vu from when I had a shrink for 2 months when I was 20. I came home from college and I said I need help. My ex and I had broken up over the summer when he dumped me for coke. When he fell apart i didn't know how to handle it all... the breakup and his breakdown. The psychologist was wonderful and my mother hated her. Anyways, after a few sessions she looked at me and shifted from her usual warm self to a stern manner and tone and said, "alright we all know that you're smart so let's get to the [heart of the matter]" or something like that. See, even when I'm paying for a service I can't get my poop straight.

Someone once commented on my resume being too verbose and if he were hiring he'd just want to see what I've done. But he works moreso a manual job. He gets a human to look at his resume, whereas mine goes into a DB and maybe one of my words will trigger me as a potential search hit. Idk what's right or not. All I do know is that I feel inadequate. I feel weak for the anxiety driven purchases. I feel weak for not having 25 years of mortgage money liquid. I feel weak for taking this long to apply for a job. I feel weak for no one wanting to address my applications. I feel weak for needing therapy. I really miss having a "faux" family. As much as I'd roll my eyes on the overkill of celebrating every sneeze and fart at my in-laws, it was a 180 from my life growing up and I liked everyone sniffing up my farts.

I really wanted a big blow out for my 40th in January but I think that if I make it to 40, I'll go buy a yellow cake cupcake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, cuz buying shit is what I'm actually good at (besides training cats). Why? Cuz it's so anticlimactic, a birthday, when each day we live is an upward battle. So a cupcake it is, and if I come across a cupcake tomorrow I'll eat it then too.

 

[BlingObsession]

PB - YOU ARE NOT WEAK! You are not. You are hurting - you've been dealt a crap hand - you have every right to feel overwhelmed but you are not WEAK.

You are smart and funny and resilient and clever. You post things on IG/PS that make me laugh so hard sometimes and I know I'm not the only one you have that effect on - that makes you a pretty damn special person.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, my heart hurts for you. If I come across a cupcake tomorrow, I'll eat it in solidarity with you.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Someone once commented on my resume being too verbose and if he were hiring he'd just want to see what I've done. But he works moreso a manual job. He gets a human to look at his resume, whereas mine goes into a DB and maybe one of my words will trigger me as a potential search hit. Idk what's right or not.

I don't think that's universally true. I work for a large multi-national, and we for sure do not use databases to screen. I think a resume could work for both though, right? Have those key terms, but also be nice and concise for a human reader.

Have you considered doing contract review work? Or a temp atty job, like document review? Are you working with a headhunter?

 

[PintoBean]

PB - YOU ARE NOT WEAK! You are not. You are hurting - you've been dealt a crap hand - you have every right to feel overwhelmed but you are not WEAK.

You are smart and funny and resilient and clever. You post things on IG/PS that make me laugh so hard sometimes and I know I'm not the only one you have that effect on - that makes you a pretty damn special person.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, my heart hurts for you. If I come across a cupcake tomorrow, I'll eat it in solidarity with you.

Thank you! You are a sweetheart!

 

[PintoBean]

I don't think that's universally true. I work for a large multi-national, and we for sure do not use databases to screen. I think a resume could work for both though, right? Have those key terms, but also be nice and concise for a human reader.

Have you considered doing contract review work? Or a temp atty job, like document review? Are you working with a headhunter?

My last interview last winter was through a headhunter. She was the former CPO of a company I worked for and has a consulting firm. She knows I'm still looking. A PSer also emailed me recruiters to try last week. I'm also in close contact with the former HR manager as well and she hasn't been thrilled with any of the major employment agencies she worked with on an HR stand point and as a job seeker. We're in the same boat where we need a minimum salary to get by, but right now I still can take a lower paying job and be ok.

 

[icy_jade]

I’m not sure what to say so sending you hugs, and best wishes.

 

[lyra]

@PintoBean You are not a weak woman. We all know this about you. But it's okay to tell people your honest feelings about yourself. Live in the present moment more. Oh heavens how I've had to do that! Well adjusted people see therapists too. Maybe yours isn't quite right for you. It's okay to comparison shop if you feel like you're not making progress like you want. I'd recommend CBT. That's the treatment that really helped me the most, and once you know it, it's always there for you. I learned it 15 years ago and still have to use it from time to time. I have had the same therapist now for over 12 years and we're more like old friends. But he's a psychiatrist because that's free in Canada, and I am on meds for life. Better living through pharmacology in my case.

 

[PintoBean]

We talked about the feeling weak stuff yesterday and yeah it's my mom in my head. Grrr...

I got a surprise in the mail today! A PRESENTI have a growing collection of Steiff animals now. Most were kicked off my bed the other night when I kicked the covers off lolololol. My baby turtle makes a cameo in the pics. Bellie took her from my bedroom and stashed her under the kitchen table as retaliation for my dressing her up as a hot dog.

 

[MollyMalone]

HI, PB

If you've not already done so, check out the employment listings on Idealist.org. I'm not certain what most interests you & I haven't seen your resume so don't know a great deal about your professional experience and expertise, but this postition leapt out at me as a possibility for you:
https://www.idealist.org/en/nonprof...chnology-center-for-court-innovation-new-york

Plus, the Center for Court Innovation has been around for years & historically has had stable leadership, a healthy budget -- which count for a lot in the nonprofit world

 

[Gussie]

Hey pinto! Just catching up on the thread. Sorry it's been a rough few days. I read that you'll be 40?!?! I thought you were early 30s!! Toss out the screwdriver and get a few cupcakes!

 

[PintoBean]

Hey pinto! Just catching up on the thread. Sorry it's been a rough few days. I read that you'll be 40?!?! I thought you were early 30s!! Toss out the screwdriver and get a few cupcakes!

Happy dance! And you've seen me in person!

 

[jordyonbass]

PB - YOU ARE NOT WEAK! You are not. You are hurting - you've been dealt a crap hand - you have every right to feel overwhelmed but you are not WEAK.

You are smart and funny and resilient and clever. You post things on IG/PS that make me laugh so hard sometimes and I know I'm not the only one you have that effect on - that makes you a pretty damn special person.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, my heart hurts for you. If I come across a cupcake tomorrow, I'll eat it in solidarity with you.

@PintoBean I have to agree with Bling here as I've admired your resilience since this happened, you've been through a lot and you're definitely not weak!!

 

[metall]

oh PB, never doubt that you're STRONG.

You've been able to move through this very rough transition with grace, dignity, and laughter. I've been slowly reading through this thread and you've been nothing but spectacular.

Sending hugs, if you need anything always know you can reach out.

 

[PintoBean]

It's been a lot of work splitting time with adjusting to yet another new normal. I've been applying to jobs slowly. I've got 35 open apps out of 45 completed (if I'm reading my excel sheet count correctly lololol). I'm shocked at how slowly companies are moving to respond, oh, then again, 6 months lapsed between one of my interviews and an official start date and contract signing for one of the companies I worked for previously.

I've also been making an effort to find more things I can get out of the house - like previous NWT Nordstrom items that I'm noticing as I'm clearing more and more stuff out. If I'm serious about working anywhere and relocating, then I should basically start cutting the BS out so I can pack and dash. Luckily, I made sure we got rid of a lot of stuff when we moved 3 years ago. It has also been quite an "effort" parting ways with more of my husband's stuff.

I'm wearing pants today that are 8 years old. I'm like wtf - time is flying. Hustle, hustle, hustle! And clearly I don't need new pants if my 8 year old ones are in decent shape BAHAHAHAHA.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Don't sell yourself short PB - we came, we met you, we loved you!! You are further ahead than you think and moving forward all the time. I am proud of you!!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Yay for cleaning out! It's the BEST feeling and you're putting that Nordstrom credit to good use!

 

[PintoBean]

A little over a week ago I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist. My GP only knew meds, generally. It was a bit of an upward battle to convince him to switch me off the med I'd been on for over a year to one that affected general anxiety better. Down shifting off the former SSRI was difficult, 5mg a week. It did confirm that that particular SSRi did nothing more than make me numb. I knew I had to get a psychiatrist into the picture because my GP's idea of monitoring the downshift and switch of drugs was for me to go back in 3 months.

Psychiatrist and psychologist both say I have PTSD. the MD says the good news is that with the frequency of traumatic events like mass shootings and trump becoming president, they have a good handle on the protocol to handle PTSD which is to take an extreme approach. He was ok with me sticking with the current drug I am on b/c it's not addictive, (like super short half life of 2-3 hours), but he wanted me to be on an antidepressant on top of it. He said it would be a bit of trial and error. I'm a few days into a new SSRI - one that is as opposite as he can get to the last one I had been on. I expressed my concern about being at that age with all the hormone changes coming down the pipeline in the near future and that throwing off any equilibrium achieved with a med at that moment. He laughed. lololol. It is what it is. We're just dynamic. He's thorough. After a week on the SSRI I'm to check in with him by phone, and the appointment following up was 2 weeks. He also requested I get him a copy of my latest blood work from my GP.

I am always pleasantly surprised by how experienced Peers are with this stuff. I checked in with a few PSers psychologist and therapists to make sure that leaving me to downshift and try a new drug with a 3 month gap was way too hands off and they were able to verify that my instincts were on the money. Of course, every once in a while you hear someone say something like, oh, this med works for me, why would you get off it? Because people vary biochemically, physiologically, etc.

A couple of my friends laughed at me when I was like - dude, I thought i was crazier than usual. I didn't chalk it up to PTSD. They were like, duh, I could have told you that.

So this is cute. Last Monday I had gotten off with a bling vendor and they closed the call with a "love ya!" I shared with @lovedogs that I thought it was funny initially, then sad and a bit embarrassed because I couldn't remember the last time someone said "I love you" to me. We talked about how usually its a loved one in a relationship that will say that to you. The next day a PSer called me and she ended the call saying something along the lines of, "i just want you to know that I love you, even though I know you don't like mushy things, but I love you." I replied "Thank you." (told you i'm not mushy). When my husband used to say I love you, I'd often reply with "thank you" as well.

 

[lovedogs]

I LOVE YOU @PintoBean

 

[PintoBean]

I LOVE YOU @PintoBean

I know inside. . Thank you.

 

[MissGotRocks]

So glad that you have consulted with a psychiatrist for meds. GP's are not psychiatrists and while they can prescribe, I'd rather have the specialist making the calls on the meds. Good luck - hope you like him and can hang in there with him. I do know from friend's experiences that they do find they have to tweak things here and there.

And love - we really did and do all love you PB! I appreciate your candor and your humor and your honesty. What, my friend, is not to love????

 

[mochiko42]

Awww girl... >>>HUGS<<<

 

[azstonie]

PTSD: Pete Walker.

Meds: You want to avoid kindling bipolar episodes in the future. Jim Phelps, PhD.

 

[lovedogs]

PTSD: Pete Walker.

Meds: You want to avoid kindling bipolar episodes in the future. Jim Phelps, PhD.

What does this mean? Meds do not cause bipolar disorder, with the exception of people who have misdiagnosed depression and are on SSRIs.

 

[ame]

I really wanted a big blow out for my 40th in January but I think that if I make it to 40, I'll go buy a yellow cake cupcake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, cuz buying shit is what I'm actually good at (besides training cats). Why? Cuz it's so anticlimactic, a birthday, when each day we live is an upward battle. So a cupcake it is, and if I come across a cupcake tomorrow I'll eat it then too.

You know how well I handled turning 40. It's also the first birthday since I was 7 that my family actually remembered. Like, without ****ing being told it's my birthday. 33 years, yall, without being "remembered". Mind you this year, I would've been VERY content with everyone forgetting it existed, though.

But we're both obviously good at buying shit. Especially bakery goods.

Psychiatrist and psychologist both say I have PTSD. the MD says the good news is that with the frequency of traumatic events like mass shootings and trump becoming president, they have a good handle on the protocol to handle PTSD which is to take an extreme approach.

I would totally agree with this. I am most definitely PTSD since the election, I feel like there's no ****ing point to doing anything anymore. It's a complex scam these ****ers have come up with to screw everyone over that isn't a rich white guy. I walk around LIVID all the time because our efforts are wasted. So imagine that, compounded by the loss of a spouse, in the manner which you lost him. You're numb on top of being broken from this loss. I don't know that a drug is going to fix it the way time will, but I hope this combination helps you.

 

[House Cat]

Dearest PB,

Big heart hugs.

I hate that numbed out medication feel. Sometimes I think it makes the negativity worse. For me, it lowers my mental defenses and lets all my demons fly. I hope you feel better soon.

Sometimes it’s a big ass relief to put a name to what’s been haunting you all this time. I know it was for me. PTSD is an injury. It can be healed. I have an amazing therapist that does EMDR. You should find someone who does this too. Make sure they’re certified.

EMDR isn’t exposure therapy that makes you feel worse. A lot of times, you walk out feeling better.

You are doing all of the right things miss lady.

 

[yennyfire]

Happy dance! And you've seen me in person!

Yeah, I’ve met you more than once and I’m shocked! I assumed early 30s (31/32). Wow!! I hope you abandoned the screwdriver and had a dozen cupcakes!! I hope that things are looking up currently.

 

[azstonie]

What does this mean? Meds do not cause bipolar disorder, with the exception of people who have misdiagnosed depression and are on SSRIs.

Hi lovedogs--- Read Phelps ' book. I said "kindle," not cause.

 

[lovedogs]

His book is extremely irrelevant to anything pb has talked about. Scaring her about taking meds is spreading misinformation, plain and simple. He writes about mood disorders, not PTSD. Walker talks about complex PTSD, not about adult trauma. I think you are trying to be helpful, but please recognize that not everything applies to everyone.

 

[PintoBean]

I must have been dreaming. I heard a doorbell. I woke myself up, calling out, "Michael! Doorbell!" old habits, I guess. I checked the clock - 7:45AM. Probably a dream.

I'm frustrated with job searching. I'm also not the most patient person lol. I've always said, it takes 6mos to 2 years, so have that amount saved to cover living expenses. BuT why does this stat also have to apply to ME? I'm applying to a range of things. I'm hoping to pick up a part time gig so I can be less "withdrawn" as my therapist puts it. It is also hard on the pride to look at jobs that have a pay rate 1/6 of what I used to get paid.

I'm also going to kill some time by selling afghans and cat beds. No one is biting yet but hopefully with enough exposure on social media I will get some bites. No loss if they dont sell, because I can always donate a set to a pet rescue for their Chinese auction. My last Afghan and cat bed set was apparently a big hit at one of the auctions.