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If your BFF knew that you were having an affair..
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Trekkie
Brilliant_Rock
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My loyalty is with my best friends (there are two) and will support them for what they do/decide to do, whether I agree with it or not. If they talk, I'll listen. They don't usually ask me for my opinions as they already know what I would say on any subject matters.
Friends do not judge each other, they accept each other for what they are, IMHO.
DK
Friends do not judge each other, they accept each other for what they are, IMHO.
DK
armywife13
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No I wouldn't. I actually encountered this situation a little over a year ago.
At our last duty station my best friend's husband was my husband's close friend. My husband and I found out that my best friend was cheating on her husband. It was with one of her husband's best friends, they had known each other for 5 years and done several deployments together. The man she was cheating with was also pretty good friends with everyone in our social circle.
The kicker is that my best friend's husband had cheated on her 7 years ago and came clean to her. She chastised him for it every chance she had, yet she was doing to same thing but was too much of a coward(in my opinion) to be honest with him.
Anyways, back to the point, my husband and I did not say anything. The whole situation was a mess ahd we were not going to throw ourselves in the middle of it. I will say though, we both distanced ourselves from everyone in the situation. Neither of us needed the drama in our lives and didn't want to surround ourselves with people who were consistently deceitful and had no remorse about it.
At our last duty station my best friend's husband was my husband's close friend. My husband and I found out that my best friend was cheating on her husband. It was with one of her husband's best friends, they had known each other for 5 years and done several deployments together. The man she was cheating with was also pretty good friends with everyone in our social circle.
The kicker is that my best friend's husband had cheated on her 7 years ago and came clean to her. She chastised him for it every chance she had, yet she was doing to same thing but was too much of a coward(in my opinion) to be honest with him.
Anyways, back to the point, my husband and I did not say anything. The whole situation was a mess ahd we were not going to throw ourselves in the middle of it. I will say though, we both distanced ourselves from everyone in the situation. Neither of us needed the drama in our lives and didn't want to surround ourselves with people who were consistently deceitful and had no remorse about it.
LaraOnline
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movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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No. I know she wouldn't do anything to cause further problems or interfere, it's not her style. Her loyalty is to me as we have known each other for so long and she is a major part of my life. She would have absolutely no problem speaking her mind about the situation though and would probably not be too happy with me!
dk168|1384699677|3557977 said:My loyalty is with my best friends (there are two) and will support them for what they do/decide to do, whether I agree with it or not. If they talk, I'll listen. They don't usually ask me for my opinions as they already know what I would say on any subject matters.
Friends do not judge each other, they accept each other for what they are, IMHO.
DK
Friends might not judge each other, but typically, friendships are based upon certain characteristics (like sharing the same morals, etc.). If one party in a friendship is doing something that the other party doesn't approve of, it's really tough not to judge in my opinion (or maybe "judge" isn't the right term - it's really tough to sit back and watch it all go down). If my best friend was smoking crack, for example, I'm guessing that I wouldn't be friends with them any more simply because I won't have that sort of negativity in my life. I believe in surrounding myself with positive, happy, supportive, responsible, honest, caring people - those are the sorts of characteristics that I look for in friendships and those are the sorts of things that make the friendships flourish. I try to keep my friendships/social life as drama-free as possible because I left high school a loooong time ago. A cheating friend would undoubtedly cause a considerable amount of drama. As far as the question is concerned, I don't know that I can really answer it because I don't think I have a "BFF." Would one of my close friends tell my husband if I was cheating? probably not and I wouldn't either (I wouldn't tell the husband if one of my close friends was cheating because that's not the sort of drama that I'd choose to get mixed up in).
momhappy|1384713272|3558071 said:dk168|1384699677|3557977 said:My loyalty is with my best friends (there are two) and will support them for what they do/decide to do, whether I agree with it or not. If they talk, I'll listen. They don't usually ask me for my opinions as they already know what I would say on any subject matters.
Friends do not judge each other, they accept each other for what they are, IMHO.
DK
Friends might not judge each other, but typically, friendships are based upon certain characteristics (like sharing the same morals, etc.). If one party in a friendship is doing something that the other party doesn't approve of, it's really tough not to judge in my opinion (or maybe "judge" isn't the right term - it's really tough to sit back and watch it all go down). If my best friend was smoking crack, for example, I'm guessing that I wouldn't be friends with them any more simply because I won't have that sort of negativity in my life. I believe in surrounding myself with positive, happy, supportive, responsible, honest, caring people - those are the sorts of characteristics that I look for in friendships and those are the sorts of things that make the friendships flourish. I try to keep my friendships/social life as drama-free as possible because I left high school a loooong time ago. A cheating friend would undoubtedly cause a considerable amount of drama. As far as the question is concerned, I don't know that I can really answer it because I don't think I have a "BFF." Would one of my close friends tell my husband if I was cheating? probably not and I wouldn't either (I wouldn't tell the husband if one of my close friends was cheating because that's not the sort of drama that I'd choose to get mixed up in).
Absolutely. I've left a trail of people behind who don't have these characteristics. Far, far behind me, thank goodness. Example: When I got married, two friends (who didn't know each other) clearly had a massive problem with me getting hitched. They were both single, and still are as far as I know through the grapevine. However, if my husband and I had broken up, they'd have been all over me. I didn't speak to either of them again after that very often, and now it's years since we spoke, which is fine by me. I don't need friends who can only be friendly as long as I don't have personal happiness.
If my BFF cheated, I'd lose all respect for her and probably wouldn't be that motivated to hang out with her anymore because I find people like that very depressing. A certain amount would depend on the circumstances: i.e. if the husband was a difficult, grumpy unappreciative sod who had put her through an awful lot and had perhaps cheated on her first, I'd be more understanding. I'd also be more understanding if she had made a mistake and was all upset about it, wracked with guilt and vowing not to let it happen again (although if she did it a second time I'd be out of the there). But if her husband was a sweetheart and treated her well, and she was just having a whale of a time on the side with no guilt at all and no intention of stopping, there's no way I'd continue to be friends with her. I cannot watch that sort of cruelty in action.
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I'm torn.
I place a very high value on honoring a promise such as monogamy, especially as a gay man in the AIDS era.
On one hand I'm very selective about friends, but I'm certainly not without my faults, though I've kept my promise about monogamy.
Tough one.
Oh and judging people is good, normal, healthy, appropriate and universal.
I'm perplexed why so many people pretend they don't do it, or think that judging is bad.
IOW, they judge people for judging.
I place a very high value on honoring a promise such as monogamy, especially as a gay man in the AIDS era.
On one hand I'm very selective about friends, but I'm certainly not without my faults, though I've kept my promise about monogamy.
Tough one.
Oh and judging people is good, normal, healthy, appropriate and universal.
I'm perplexed why so many people pretend they don't do it, or think that judging is bad.
IOW, they judge people for judging.
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If I didn't care for the cheated-on person, probably not. But I usually do become friends with my friends' partners. I don't see why or how I can be loyal to the first friend, but not the next?! I'm not comprehending why something unethical is ok for a best friend to do. i'd probably give the cheater a big tongue lashing and an ultimatum-- to fess up themselves or I will.
I do not believe in cheating. Ever. Under NO circumstances is it okay.
I do not believe in cheating. Ever. Under NO circumstances is it okay.
Kenny, I know! Sometimes when people say not to judge, it's like they're asking your brain not to work. We are constantly making judgements, all the time. It's called having a frontal lobe!
For example, I've recently met a British woman who's just moved here and is desperate to be my friend. I met her in my local pub, and weirdly, she's from my hometown. It would be good to have a friend from home over here, and she also has the breast cancer issue - she actually has the gene, so we have a worry in common to chew over.
But. I'm judging her like crazy in order to protect myself from a potential source of stress. She has a chequered past, and I gather that her recent marriage to an American is the result of a very long-running affair that she had while working for a US company and frequently visiting the US. She broke up a 25-year marriage that produced three children. I know you can't steal someone if they don't want to be stolen, and maybe the marriage wasn't right, but the thing that really turned me off her was that when I went out to dinner with her, she spent a good part of the time slagging off the ex-wife, and she didn't sound too keen on his kids, either (who are adults). I felt like saying, Look, love, you've won. The poor woman is now left alone to start again in her mid-fifties, and three kids have seen their parents' marriage hit the turf, so you don't have to bitch about them as well. Give it a rest.
Also, she wasn't that nice to the waitress. And also, they got married without telling the ex-wife or his kids, because the she'd effed up the visa paperwork and they thought the ex-wife might make a call to Immigration. So, two more things that I don't respect: she didn't play by the immigration rules, and she excluded his family from a major decision. Generally, I don't have close friends who play this way.
But apart from those things, she was very funny and sparky. Hmm. I'm on the fence about letting her into my life. Oh - she also has a 21-year-old daughter, whom she brought up alone. I didn't ask, but clearly the father had left her in the lurch. My problem is that it seems very hard-hearted to leave her daughter alone in the UK - no dad, no siblings, all alone in the world. I know she's technically an adult, but she has just left college and personally I don't think I could bring myself to move to another continent when I am the only family my kid's got. It's not as if she's married and in her thirties. Young adults still need emotional support, in my view - or at least to know you're there, as you strive to carve out a career and a lifelong romantic partnership. Legally, the daughter cannot follow the mother to the States as she's not a dependant.
So this is a recent example of sensible judging - i.e. I've got enough drama in my life already, and I don't want her turning up on my doorstep and moving into my spare room because this marriage, which is built on the foundations' of others' misery, isn't working out due to her bad choices. I'm judging like crazy, in order to protect myself.
But I guess they mean, people in glass houses, etc.
For example, I've recently met a British woman who's just moved here and is desperate to be my friend. I met her in my local pub, and weirdly, she's from my hometown. It would be good to have a friend from home over here, and she also has the breast cancer issue - she actually has the gene, so we have a worry in common to chew over.
But. I'm judging her like crazy in order to protect myself from a potential source of stress. She has a chequered past, and I gather that her recent marriage to an American is the result of a very long-running affair that she had while working for a US company and frequently visiting the US. She broke up a 25-year marriage that produced three children. I know you can't steal someone if they don't want to be stolen, and maybe the marriage wasn't right, but the thing that really turned me off her was that when I went out to dinner with her, she spent a good part of the time slagging off the ex-wife, and she didn't sound too keen on his kids, either (who are adults). I felt like saying, Look, love, you've won. The poor woman is now left alone to start again in her mid-fifties, and three kids have seen their parents' marriage hit the turf, so you don't have to bitch about them as well. Give it a rest.
Also, she wasn't that nice to the waitress. And also, they got married without telling the ex-wife or his kids, because the she'd effed up the visa paperwork and they thought the ex-wife might make a call to Immigration. So, two more things that I don't respect: she didn't play by the immigration rules, and she excluded his family from a major decision. Generally, I don't have close friends who play this way.
But apart from those things, she was very funny and sparky. Hmm. I'm on the fence about letting her into my life. Oh - she also has a 21-year-old daughter, whom she brought up alone. I didn't ask, but clearly the father had left her in the lurch. My problem is that it seems very hard-hearted to leave her daughter alone in the UK - no dad, no siblings, all alone in the world. I know she's technically an adult, but she has just left college and personally I don't think I could bring myself to move to another continent when I am the only family my kid's got. It's not as if she's married and in her thirties. Young adults still need emotional support, in my view - or at least to know you're there, as you strive to carve out a career and a lifelong romantic partnership. Legally, the daughter cannot follow the mother to the States as she's not a dependant.
So this is a recent example of sensible judging - i.e. I've got enough drama in my life already, and I don't want her turning up on my doorstep and moving into my spare room because this marriage, which is built on the foundations' of others' misery, isn't working out due to her bad choices. I'm judging like crazy, in order to protect myself.
But I guess they mean, people in glass houses, etc.
]madelise|1384716362|3558087 said:
I've got to say, I disagree. Now, I'm faithful, my husband is too (as far as I'm aware!) and my family are all faithful to their spouses, as are my friends. I don't come from the sort of world where people marry, cheat, and divorce like merry-go-rounds. In fact, until my uncle recently left my aunt after 40 years of marriage, there were no divorces in my entire extended family.
My point is to preface my next statement by making clear that while infidelity is not OK in my world, some people are so horrible that they deserve everything they get. My cousin is married to one of the most horrible men I've ever met. He is consistently nasty to her. When she had their first child, he went round saying how crap she was at pushing. When her dad died, he actually taunted her about her dad being dead. All throughout that difficult year, when her dad died and her mother got cancer, he was horrible to her. When she cried with grief, he wouldn't hold her. When she visited her recently bereaved mother, he would be waiting her for when she got home, drunk and annoyed that she hadn't been home with him. And that's not the half of it.
While I know cheating's not the answer and she should just leave him, if she had met someone who offered her comfort during that terrible time, I wouldn't have blamed her for succumbing. Her husband is an absolute sod. He deserves his wife to find someone else, the way he treats her. I absolutely hate her husband because of the way he treats her - oh, and he makes it his business to hate her family, who is also my family (my aunt and other cousins) - so frankly, if she cheated on him, I'd give her a standing ovation.
aviastar
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I'm pretty sure if my BFF knew I was having an affair she'd punch me in the face and stop being friends with me. But she wouldn't tell.
I'd do that same for her; it's the kind of brutal evaluation only best friends can do for each other. Siblings are too close and casual friends are too far away; BFFs are the marriage of the two.
I'd do that same for her; it's the kind of brutal evaluation only best friends can do for each other. Siblings are too close and casual friends are too far away; BFFs are the marriage of the two.
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I think it would ruin a friendship for me. That is, if I knew my friend was having an affair. I really can't say what they would do if I were to do that. Having an affair is such a mean thing to do to a spouse or loved one. It just cuts right to the heart. I think it's 'nicer' to leave than to have an affair. I have such strong feelings about it, I don't think I could maintain a friendship where I knew my friend was having an ongoing affair.
Guilty Pleasure
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If my sisters knew I was having an affair, they would not tell my husband. If my best friend found out I was having an affair, she'd insist I tell my husband before her husband did - they are best friends and she couldn't keep a secret even if she wanted to.
I would not tell someone's husband on them, but I would freeze a friendship and even refuse to socialize with my sisters if they were having an affair without remorse. I cannot tolerate adultery anymore than stealing. It's disgusting. However, I would support a friend who had stopped cheating and was dealing with guilt or divorce, etc.
I would not tell someone's husband on them, but I would freeze a friendship and even refuse to socialize with my sisters if they were having an affair without remorse. I cannot tolerate adultery anymore than stealing. It's disgusting. However, I would support a friend who had stopped cheating and was dealing with guilt or divorce, etc.
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I have learned to be somewhat flexible; and it would in fact depend a lot on the entire situation.
Someone who is cheating because they have not (or will not) learn to communicate with their spouse and are using sex with others as an escape; or is doing it out of revenge or spite - is not someone I could be long term friends with; and I have no specific loyalty to them. I probably would not go out of my way to tell their spouse (unless the situation was extreme); but I would not hide it if asked either.
Someone who has a spouse who who has a long term medical problem, and is willing to care for their spouse the rest of their lives - but their impaired spouse can no longer support the needed physical/mental sexual relationship of their caring partner. I can probably live with that - and even support my friend on it.
The stuff in the middle: Depends on the situation.
Perry
Someone who is cheating because they have not (or will not) learn to communicate with their spouse and are using sex with others as an escape; or is doing it out of revenge or spite - is not someone I could be long term friends with; and I have no specific loyalty to them. I probably would not go out of my way to tell their spouse (unless the situation was extreme); but I would not hide it if asked either.
Someone who has a spouse who who has a long term medical problem, and is willing to care for their spouse the rest of their lives - but their impaired spouse can no longer support the needed physical/mental sexual relationship of their caring partner. I can probably live with that - and even support my friend on it.
The stuff in the middle: Depends on the situation.
Perry
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I've had a couple of friends who have had affairs over the years. I would never tell their spouses. I refuse to be an alibi and I don't want to hear about the details, but it's not my place to say anything about it to anyone.
In my former life I had a spouse that cheated on me. I had my suspicions for a long time but I didn't really want to know for sure because then I would have felt compelled to do something about it and I wasn't ready to face that step. After it became too blatant to ignore, I still pretended that I didn't know anything because I was getting things in order (financially, living arrangements, etc) to make my exit. Also, feigning ignorance allowed me to gather absolute proof which gave me an advantage in settlement negotiations. When I was ready I left. I don't think I'm alone in how I handled it. I think a lot of spouses are more aware of the situation than outsiders know.
Not that I'm excusing cheating but I think the person who should be confronted is the affair haver and not the innocent spouse.
In my former life I had a spouse that cheated on me. I had my suspicions for a long time but I didn't really want to know for sure because then I would have felt compelled to do something about it and I wasn't ready to face that step. After it became too blatant to ignore, I still pretended that I didn't know anything because I was getting things in order (financially, living arrangements, etc) to make my exit. Also, feigning ignorance allowed me to gather absolute proof which gave me an advantage in settlement negotiations. When I was ready I left. I don't think I'm alone in how I handled it. I think a lot of spouses are more aware of the situation than outsiders know.
Not that I'm excusing cheating but I think the person who should be confronted is the affair haver and not the innocent spouse.
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