If you have the option of being a stay at home mom, would you?

[leeenie]

Date: 2/12/2006 9:30:04 PM
Author: Mara

I don''t think I would want to be a 1000% of the time stay at home Mom since I know I will need to get out of the house sometimes and feel like something other than a ''Mother'' and also it would be important to me to have some sort of adult and professional interactions with others in the ''outside'' world...I can''t see myself being content with doing playgroups and volunteering at my child''s classroom all the time. So the scenario we have in mind now where I could work from home 90% of the time would be perfect and I think just the right ratio...it''s not JUST about the children and making them happy and fulfilled, the parents (Both of them) have to feel as though they are living their lives and doing what they want to do too. I really don''t believe in just giving up your whole being and life to dote on the kids...that''s why so many kids nowadays are spoiled brats and the parents don''t know how to handle them, because the kids know their lives revolve around them! But that''s another topic...one that has been hashed out here many many times!

So for me it really is about BALANCE....how you can balance something like a career (even a partial one) with family, keeping time for yourself, and then don''t forget to keep room for the relationship between you and your husband, so many parents just turn into PARENTS and nothing else, putting their lives on hold for 18 years til Bobby moves out of the house.

I agree Mara, I don''t know if I would be completely fulfilled not having my own life, apart from my kids. Putting my life on hold for 18+ years doesn''t sound appealing at all! And I don''t think the world should revolve around kids either; see "DINK" thread Of course there are good and bad examples of how kids turn out both ways.

Balance is probably the key...since there''s no way for women to "have it all." If I were to become a full time mom I could probably convince myself that nothing else would be more fulfilling, but I would have no point of comparison. If I am a working mom I know I''ll constantly feel guilty about working. Just something we have to deal with I guess.

 

[Mara]

DS...I tend to think that 90% of kids that are out there are spoiled and overindulged these days, and it''s both by stay at home parents and those who work..I have seen countless examples of both. Or maybe all the spoiled overindulged kids just are in this area because literally it seems SO RARE that we see a child that is not misbehaving out in public or similar. Case in point today, I was at a concert where Greg was playing and there was a Mom and child there sitting near me, the dad played in the symphony and the little boy got restless and ended up taking off from the Mom and running across the bottom of the stage at a crucial point in the piece so that the conductor had to come on after and say ''by the way since some of you missed it, this is what happened at the end''.

I don''t think that anyone is suggesting anyone become ''mindless slaves'', but I also think that sometimes people when scrutinizing their lives later may find areas more lacking than they imagined way back when ''at the time'' and I think that is what that article that Greg was talking about recently was addressing.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 2/12/2006 9:02:30 PM
Author: Momoftwo
No power? That's funny. I've never known a single stay at home mom who didn't have equal say in spending and decision making.
I was raised by a stay at home mom and never thought I didn't have any choices. I've always felt equal to my husband. The choice I made was to raise my own children. That to me is the ultimate in choice and freedom. Feminism has evoked so much fear in women. There are always what if's? I know quite a few stay at home moms and never knew anyone that ended up homeless or bankrupt, even after divorce. I'm seeing all the typical arguments that really don't show anything other than fear. As for death and illness, anyone who has planned for the what if's has life insurance and long term disability set up. When you have a two income family and they're living at the limits of both incomes, which is very common also, what happens when one loses their job? No difference.

I see no disparity between choosing to stay at home and the equal rights we're all entitled to. Maybe women are just choosing the important. If you notice, those of us that have done it don't regret a single minute.

Teagreen, do you have any children? That's what this thread is really about anyway. Children.

No, MO2, this thread is not about children - it is about the pros and cons of being a stay at home mom.

Why do you feel it necessary to dismiss/talk down to teagreen in this manner? Teagreen has a right to participate in this discussion whether she is a parent or not.

Heather

 

[E B]

Date: 2/12/2006 9:30:04 PM
Author: Mara

I don't think I would want to be a 1000% of the time stay at home Mom since I know I will need to get out of the house sometimes and feel like something other than a 'Mother' and also it would be important to me to have some sort of adult and professional interactions with others in the 'outside' world...I can't see myself being content with doing playgroups and volunteering at my child's classroom all the time.

I absolutely agree with you.

We're both on board for having children when we're financially stable (we're only 22 and 23!). Luckily, I'm going into a field (Advertising/copywrighting) where it's possible to work from home/part time/freelance...and since I'm going to college, I think it'd be a bit of a waste not to take some sort of advantage of the education I'm receiving. It'd be lovely to be at home with them when they're younger, but I couldn't imagine myself being the..."7th Heaven" mom. Cookies ready when the kids come home from school. Cleaning their rooms. Taking them to soccer pratice. My entire day consisting of just that? I doubt I'd be happy. Others are, and it's wonderful that they are. Whatever makes you happiest.

I should clarify (from my first post) that if given the option to stay home while they're young, I absolutely will. I'll probably always work somehow, though, be it part time, from home, or possibly full time when they're in school. I think it's pretty vital to give them lots of true one on one time when they're first developing their minds and personalities, though (does that make sense?). It's one thing I wished I'd had more of with my mom. She didn't have a choice, though...a single mom usually doesn't.

 

[E B]

Nice rant of mine, huh? Hope whoever reads it can make some sense of it!

 

[Mara]

Actually eBree what you said reminded me, if we could afford it I would love to open my own business like a bookstore or a flower shop, or something where we didn't have to make a mint doing it but it would fulfill me and the baby/child could grow up involved as well. Something different than the typical stay-at-home Mom...again not like there is anything wrong with the typical (and who knows that may be me) but I always like the idea of something more unique where I could also realize a dream of my own that has always been with me, and still be a good Mom.

Kind of an aside but it always intrigues me when someone says something like all they want to do is stay at home and be a good Mom or that they are happiest just being at home with their kids, maybe that is really true but SOMETIMES i feel like they don't really believe that is ALL they want, but they feel it's all they can have or maybe that is how they *should* feel so they do. Kind of like how Lynette on Desperate Housewives would say she LOVED being a mother and there was nothing better in the world to the people she saw but that inside she felt like there was so much more to her than just being a Mom and that she wanted to break out of that mold of always having to adore your life and your child.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

ebree, I agree with you and Mara on the issue of balance. I''m not anywhere near the ''50''s model of the good wife, Lol! I buy cookies at the deli and most of the time over the years I''ve earned a little money and paid for cleaning help. I am just happier with balance than I am when I have worked too much. If things have to be a bit out of balance, I''d prefer it to be from the ''at home'' side! I can always find something else to do...like getting on PriceScope which is taking me a bit off balance time-wise! Lol!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 2/12/2006 10:02:32 PM
Author: Mara
Actually eBree what you said reminded me, if we could afford it I would love to open my own business like a bookstore or a flower shop, or something where we didn''t have to make a mint doing it but it would fulfill me and the baby/child could grow up involved as well. Something different than the typical stay-at-home Mom...again not like there is anything wrong with the typical (and who knows that may be me) but I always like the idea of something more unique where I could also realize a dream and still be a good Mom.

Very nice idea, Mara! We have close friends who own a mattress and furniture store, and those kids had plenty of room to play and nap (!) and still be with a parent all day when they were little. Once they started school, the mother still had the freedom to go pick them up.

 

[E B]

Date: 2/12/2006 10:03:39 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
ebree, I agree with you and Mara on the issue of balance. I''m not anywhere near the ''50''s model of the good wife, Lol! I buy cookies at the deli and most of the time over the years I''ve earned a little money and paid for cleaning help. I am just happier with balance than I am when I have worked too much. If things have to be a bit out of balance, I''d prefer it to be from the ''at home'' side! I can always find something else to do...like getting on PriceScope which is taking me a bit off balance time-wise! Lol!

I hear you! I''d much rather the balance tip towards the stay at home side than towards the work side. It''s just soo important to have a balance to begin with!

 

[hlmr]

I just want to add that when I became a mother I did not stop being Heather. and therefore I think it is important for every woman to indulge themselves with a bit of what makes them happy and feel good about themselves. Whether this is having a hobby, part/full time career or just going to the occasional movie with girlfriends - it is important to our mental well being.

Of course, you put your children first but you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. Otherwise you cannot possibly do your best job.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, yes, and we do need an occasional new DIAMOND to make life more interesting.

 

[Blue824]

Funny, this came up at a baby shower I attended today. I find it interesting that most of the stay at home moms are saying they don''t regret it and today my mom was saying if she had it to do over again, she would not have been a stay at home mom.

Obviously different reasons go into that, and a lot of her outlook is based on getting divorced after children were grown (well, youngest will be graduating HS this year) and was being faced with getting back into the work force and being self sufficient. She wasn''t going to go back to work until this summer, but a position basically landed in her lap and was too good to pass up. I''m sure that has also colored my outlook.

There isn''t a right or wrong, and yes, its always a question they bring up in the news, but that isn''t new...I know they asked the same questions when my parents made the decision.

Personally, I don''t think I could be a stay at home mom. Maybe that''ll change, but maybe not. Maybe I"m just a brat and can''t see staying at home and not having a nanny anyway, so what money would that be saving? But it all depends on finances and I have a while to figure that out, so I"m not too concerned yet. And who knows, maybe I''ll be so awesome in my career by then that it''ll be my husband who will be staying at home

 

[anchor31]

When I boyfriend and I will have children, I would like to stay at home, or at least work only part time, until they are all in school, if it''s possible. My mother did that, and it benefited all three of us I think. It''s something I''m very thankful for and it''s something she is very glad to have done for us. We certainly weren''t rich, but we never missed anything.

My boyfriend, to whom having children is the most important thing in the world, says that depending on the circumstances, salaries, etc., he could be the one to stay at home for the kids. There are some stay-at-home dads out there, and I think he''d like that.

Maybe we could work something out and both work part time so we both get to spend time with the kids... We''ll see. What''ll be important will be doing what we thing is best for them.

 

[Mara]

Date: 2/12/2006 10:11:28 PM
Author: hlmr
I just want to add that when I became a mother I did not stop being Heather. and therefore I think it is important for every woman to indulge themselves with a bit of what makes them happy and feel good about themselves. Whether this is having a hobby, part/full time career or just going to the occasional movie with girlfriends - it is important to our mental well being.

Of course, you put your children first but you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. Otherwise you cannot possibly do your best job.

Amen Heather, that sounds very sound!

 

[hlmr]

Date: 2/12/2006 10:15:40 PM
Author: Blue824
Funny, this came up at a baby shower I attended today. I find it interesting that most of the stay at home moms are saying they don't regret it and today my mom was saying if she had it to do over again, she would not have been a stay at home mom.

Obviously different reasons go into that, and a lot of her outlook is based on getting divorced after children were grown (well, youngest will be graduating HS this year) and was being faced with getting back into the work force and being self sufficient. She wasn't going to go back to work until this summer, but a position basically landed in her lap and was too good to pass up. I'm sure that has also colored my outlook.

There isn't a right or wrong, and yes, its always a question they bring up in the news, but that isn't new...I know they asked the same questions when my parents made the decision.

Personally, I don't think I could be a stay at home mom. Maybe that'll change, but maybe not. Maybe I'm just a brat and can't see staying at home and not having a nanny anyway, so what money would that be saving? But it all depends on finances and I have a while to figure that out, so I'm not too concerned yet. And who knows, maybe I'll be so awesome in my career by then that it'll be my husband who will be staying at home

Blue you made such a good point. You do give up your independence to a certain extent when you stay at home. For some woman, this dependence is not a healthy choice. For others it works at the time, but in retrospect (as in your mom's case) it turned out to be a choice she wishes she didn't make.

I believe I had a little personal resentment about being fully dependent too. Everyone is so different and that's why a balance is necessary to counteract the loss that one might feel in giving up her financial independence.

I don't think anyone knows what is right for them until the time comes, and even then it may change from time to time.

Heather

 

[monarch64]

First of all, teagreen''s post of the Good Housekeeping article cracked me up!!! I feel so lucky to be in my 20''s when an article like this seems totally out of date to me. Sure, my husband is the master....of my heart, and that''s about it! In some areas he IS the boss, but that''s not because he''s the man of the house, it''s because he KNOWS more about the subject and has EXPERIENCED more that has to do with it. In other ways, I am the boss...too many to list! We feel pretty equal and balanced in our male/female roles so far, and we talk about issues as they come up, which makes for a better relationship and makes us happy, period. This is something our parents didn''t do, and although both sets have been married for 36 and 40 years now, we hear from both of them that they are not happy at all, but they have made the best of it.

I took two women''s studies courses in college and excelled in both. However, I always felt like I had to take what was discussed with a grain of salt. The coursework was valuable to me, but sometimes I felt like ideas and "feminist" rules were being shoved down my throat. I remember the first day of the first class, the instructor asked us to go around and say what the word "feminist" meant to us, and why we were comfortable with it or not. I said I was not comfortable calling myself a feminist because I associated the word with things like "bitch, male-basher, or man-hater." (This was an 18 yr. old POV, who''d come from a small town anyway). I think back on that now and laugh--I didn''t think feminism was something I could ever relate to, yet I took the classes and became more knowledgeable about what it was really about, and became a more open-minded person in so many ways. I feel to this day that it taught me to be more loving towards my husband, without compromising my own feelings of self-worth as a female. I could go on and on about it, but I''ll spare ya!

I really don''t care one way or another if a mother stays at home or goes to a job outside the home--they are both work, IMO. Also, I feel that if children are getting CONSISTENT love and are being nurtured to grow up as sanely as possible with outside help or by just one parent, what''s the problem? I know plenty of couples who rely on grandparents as a kind of daycare--no one has brought that up yet. I don''t think you can put a percentage on the time that is required of parents to put in with a child to make for a perfect upbringing. Everyone''s different, and the choices we make are not always "by the book." Nothing''s really by the book in life, in reality.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/12/2006 8:56:50 AM
Author: diamondlil

The financial aspect of staying home is another issue. I do understand that sometimes it is impossible for moms (or dads for that matter) to stay home full time. On the other hand, I believe there are many that have not done the math to realize how much it actually *costs* to work. The expenses of working (i.e. daycare, gas, vehicle maintenance, wardrobe, etc.) make it difficult to justify being away from home for 40 hours a week plus commute time. We have never had the luxury of family members close by to assist with child care so that''s a big issue. I do work part time from home, but even if I did not have that, I''d make a few alterations in my life to work the finances out. For me personally, no paycheck is worth what I would miss.

yep...i been a stay at home DAD for the pass 20 yrs.

i probably change more diapers than some of the mommies here.

 

[Mara]

Oh and YES Teagreen I asked Greg about the article I mentioned, and it was the one about the lady who died that you posted...he said the jist of what HE got out of the article was that all these mothers who had stayed home with their kids had acted happy about life and all this and that, but that later when they were interviewed they said that they weren't really all that happy inside and some were super depressed about their lives, and would not have chosen how things turned out, but that was just how it was going at the time.

 

[selflove]

I''m interested to read the other responses when I have more time, but for now, here''s my $.02.

I absolutely want to stay home with my kids when I have them, hopefully soon. I was raised by a working mother but here and there she didn''t work and I loved having her there to come along on field trips, be home when I got home from school, it just made our home feel warmer and more stable. That''s my background and how I came to crave that for my own kids. Now, in the real world, present-day, I couldn''t stand the thought of dealing with 1 - 1 1/2 hour commute, each direction, 9 hours at the office, and dropping my baby off at daycare at 8am and picking him/her up at 7pm. (Or 7am and 6pm, whatever, it''s 11 hours my baby would be with a stranger!) Financially, we''ll just have to make sacrifices. I mentioned this to one of my single guy friends and he said "Why don''t you just change your attitude about commuting/working?" And I said "No! We''ll just have to change our attitude about material things!" The only thing I''ll miss about working/having a career is the money. To me, being a mom is going to be far more rewarding than any job I''ve ever had. I will miss putting away money for my retirement, that''s the BIGGEST drawback to me personally, thinking about the long view. I have two masters degrees and I''d still give up my career to provide stability for my kids. If I could work part-time, or telecommute, I would definitely do that for the next 2-4 years that we stay in the States. When my fiance and I (and hopefully our babies!) move back to Europe in a few years, I don''t plan to work right away and when I do start working again it will probably be part-time teaching English, so really flexible.

I''ve only met one adult who resented the fact that her mother stayed at home. She thought it didn''t give her a good enough role model for a successful female role model. Wow, how''s that for guilt! As a mom, I think sometimes we''re damned if we do, damned if we don''t! But that''s the only person I EVER met who had a stay at home mom who wanted a working mom.

 

[Mara]

interesting you mention about role models selflove...

my mom is a teacher and she worked 2 jobs when i was a child to support us as we were on our own, she was a single mom. my grandmother raised me when my mom was not around. so i never felt like i ''lacked'' anything as i was almost always either with my grandma or my mom...and actually knowing that my mom struggled a bit to give us a good life makes me respect her even more in general...and i love that she was a working mom and that she provided for us on her own and gave me a good life. i don''t know how i would be different if she had been a stay at home mom and i''d had a dad in my life...but i don''t think i would change a thing now that i am older and look back. i think i did ask her once why she didn''t stay at home and bake cookies and stuff, and she probably had some great answer for me...but i don''t remember feeling deprived at all. it could be because my grandmother was part of my mother and so i just associated with her in a similar way. the funny thing is that we apparently didn''t have much money and my mom says i was always asking her for toys and stuff that she couldn''t afford but i dont remember ANY of that. all i remember is that i felt really happy and secure and loved between the two of them...even though my mom worked 2 full-time jobs for ~5 years.

 

[selflove]

I just wanted to add to that, b/c Qtiekiki you asked about pros and cons for the *parents*, one statement: my husband will surely get more sex if don''t have to work outside the home!!

 

[monarch64]

This thread''s got me thinking about all this very seriously, once again! I''m so glad Q brought this up....my mom, who stayed at home, has some reasons which haven''t been brought up in this discussion as to why she chose that route. First, she was the eldest of three girls and did most of the care-taking in the family because her mother (who died at 46, in 1968, I think) was a concert pianist/violinist and was away from home often, and her father was a carpenter who built homes for a living and was often away from home until late at night. Their weekends apparently were spent partying, and my mother would take care of the younger sisters. When she was old enough, she babysat for the entire neighborhood, and put herself through her first year of college with her babysitting money. She also LOVED clothes, and spent a little of her pay every "payday" or when she had some saved, on beautiful clothing. Point being, she grew up being a caretaker, and always envisioned her life as a stay at home mom and wanted to have 6 or 8 children! (She was born in 1942, so there''s the whole generational attitude to consider as well.) When she met my father, it was 1967 or so and she was 25. He also wanted lots of children and for her to stay at home. It was their decision TOGETHER. They married in 1969 (no diamond e-ring, unfortunately!!!), and then started trying to have kids...my brother wasn''t born until 1973, and after a miscarriage and being told she shouldn''t try to have any more children, I was born in 1977. They bought a 5 bedroom house which at the time was the largest in my hometown, with the hopes of filling it with kids. That was just their mindset--she knew she could do anything, she was involved in drama in high school, the editor of her yearbook and school newspaper, just a well-rounded lady with a love for children. She modeled clothing, did bookkeeping, did just about everything a woman could do in those days before having kids, and even after we were born and off to school she found ways to make money on the side to have some sort of independence financially. When my dad griped about the cost of dance lessons for me or basketball uniforms for my brother, she was the one who stepped up and paid for it with money she''d earned by having garage sales (I saw more than one of my piano recital dresses on a girl younger than me when I was in elementary school.) When I was in junior high, much to my embarrassment, she started selling Avon door-to door and was the highest selling person within her district. She volunteered for the health department and went around to all the schools in town and taught basic aid training, or first aid, and certified herself in CPR so she could teach others as well. After my brother moved away from home, and I went to college, she became a quilter, and ended up the president of her local quilt guild for 2 years, and has made some beautiful works of art for everyone in our family, and has been commisioned by brides all over the state of IN to make wedding quilts, which she commands CRAZY prices for! ($1,000 for a king size hand pieced, hand quilted, quilt? Wowser!) I am so proud of my mother. She may not have a degree on paper, but to me she has a degree in stay at home/working momism! Sorry for the long post, but Q, you asked for pros and cons. I can only dream of being as great a mom as she has been. And yes, I tell her every time I speak to her or visit how much I appreciate her, because I didn''t always see her as such a fantastic individual. We went through my teenage hormonal years and her menopause at the same time!!!

 

[pebbles]

I wasn''t going to chime in, but I will anyway.

My mom went back to work when I was 11 or 12. She unfortunately had to because my dad got laid off his job and had trouble finding one making close to what he made before. We were a simple middle class blue collar family - not rich, not poor. I thought it was great that my mom got to go on field trips, be president of the PTA and was at all my band concerts.

For whatever reason, when I was in college, I decided I was going to be a mom with a career - meaning, I was planning on going back to work full time after I had kids. I thought that there was no way I wanted to stay at home all the time, I would lose my identity, etc. etc. When I became pregnant my husband and I discussed it at great lengths and he basically said the decision was mine. If I wanted to stay home (or in my case work part time) fine, if I wanted to work full time fine. Since I am in the healthcare field, I figured even if I stayed home I would have to work a bit in order to keep current with what is going on in medicine.

The moment my daughter was born, everything changed. Every feeling I had in the world about working was gone. I had done a complete 180. There was no way I could go back full time. Fortunately, my husband agreed and never pushed me to work full time, even though I had just spent $100,000 on my education. We both thought the best place for me was home with our children. Yes, I do work part time (generally 1 or 2 days a week) in order to keep up my skills. I am much more attached to my kids then I ever thought I would be. I love so much being with them and seeing them discover new things. Now my daughter is talking and it is just so cool to see her changing from a baby to a little girl. I cant'' believe my son is going to be 2 in a few weeks. It''s amazing and it makes me sad at how fast it goes.

With the countless diapers, bottles and days where you are lucky to get a shower, I can see why some women feel like they lose their identity. Especially here in the Midwest where the winters are cold, you are lucky to see your friends and neighbors once a month since you''re stuck in the house. I went through a period where I felt like a horrible mom because I was "just" a mom. I felt like since I wasn''t out there "making a difference" or "changing the world" that I was letting myself and everyone else down. Then one day I was watching my daughter coloring. I realized she was doing really well at staying in the lines. It dawned on me that I taught her how to do that. It made me feel so good! It sounds corny, but from that day one I never felt bad about not saving the world or not climbing the corporate ladder or not living up to my potential. I was living up to my potential - teaching another human being, even if it was something as simple as coloring.

I understand that some women don''t have the same feelings as I do, and that is fine. I feel for those women that want to stay home and cannot. I feel bad for those children that are put in daycare or are cared for by others because their parents want the 2 Lexus''s and the trip to Europe, as someone else put it. One of my friends asked if I will go back to work full time when the kids are in school. If I don''t finacially have to, I won''t. It sounds corny, but I really love "just" being a mom.

 

[lilyinct]

It''s funny this topic popped up when it did...I am 7 months pregnant and tomorrow is my last day at work. Retirement, here I come!!! Fortunately, my husband''s job allows me the financial freedom from working. I knew growing up, that the only thing I wanted to be was a mother (the over $100,000 education was in hindsight, probably a mistake, but oh well). My mom quit working the day she found out she was pregnant with me 30 years ago, and I personally couldn''t imagine growing up with a mother working (though I give working moms tons of credit for their hectic schedules and dual lives), but I just want my children to have the same type of experience I did.

 

[hlmr]

It is so great that some more mom''s are chiming in to this thread!!! Your perspectives are so interesting to read.

One thing I wanted say is don''t feel that your educations are wasted, just because you are not using them out there in the working world. You are your child''s first and foremost educator, and your knowledge and experiences can be so useful in helping you parent.

Heather

 

[Caribou]

I''m not a mom...not even close but my FI and I have already discussed this. When we have kids I will be a stay at home mom. IF I do go to work it will be part time and it won''t be until after our first is 1. That is a big if. Two of my friends were planning on staying home after they had kids, but one, who is not pregnant yet, has since decided not to and the the other one, who is due in July, is changing her mind to.

The not pregnant one said she decided after being off work for a couple days and how bored she was and that it drove her crazy being home.

The pregnant one is still on the fence.....she wants too but then thinks that maybe she''s work part time. It took her 10 years to get her bachelors only to work in her field for 3 years...so she can''t decide.

If I go back to work it will be because I''m bored.... my mom is semi-retired right now and will be 100% retired by the time we have kids, I''m sure I can get her to watch her only grandchildren part time.

 

[eks6426]

In college and in my early 20s I definitely did not want to be the stay at home mom. Then I had my son at age 25. While on maternity leave my then husband was horrible....I was up all night with baby, nursing all day and in general just really tired. He would get home from work and DEMAND his dinner right away and complained I didn''t clean house all day. He treated me like dirt because I was "just staying at home." Mind you I was on a 6 week PAID maternity leave. I had originally planned on working our budget to see if I could stay home but there was no way I could stay home with his attitude. Then when I was just about ready to go back to work my then husband got cancer round 2...so I definitely had no choice but to go back to work. My son''s entire first year is somewhat a blur...I don''t remember the firsts of anything. About the only thing I do remember is nursing my son with one arm and giving my then-husband chemo shots with my other hand. Not at all how I pictured motherhood!

Now, my son is 8...first husband passed away and I am remarried. New husband is very supportive which is great. He has his own business with sales that are sometimes good and sometimes not so we need my salary. Ideally, I would love to work part-time...maybe 9-2 3 days a week but I haven''t been able to find any part time jobs that pay very much. It is definitely hard being a working mom with kids in school. My son''s school is a private Catholic school (local public schools are horrible!) and sometimes I feel like the only mom who works. The requests to come in for things is just insane. At least once a week the teachers asks us to come "watch a puppet performance, listen to the children read etc." I feel really terrible that most of the time I can''t go for my son. I try to get my husband or grandparents to go as much as possible but my son still comments on "how all the other mom''s come and why can''t I." It just breaks my heart. Maybe someday...

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 2/13/2006 8:42:07 AM
Author: hlmr


One thing I wanted say is don''t feel that your educations are wasted, just because you are not using them out there in the working world. You are your child''s first and foremost educator, and your knowledge and experiences can be so useful in helping you parent.


Heather

My college roomate and I recently had this discussion. Both of us have degrees and had good incomes when we married. Both of us have decided to stay home full time. We talk about all the $ we spent on tuition and now we aren''t even using our degrees. But, for me, my education was not a waste even though I don''t work right now. If for some reason I had to go back to work, I could. I would not be lost without my husbands income. Just knowing that gives me confidence that even though I completely rely on hubby right now I don''t have to. makes a huge difference to my mental state.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 2/13/2006 10:25:29 AM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 2/13/2006 8:42:07 AM
Author: hlmr


One thing I wanted say is don''t feel that your educations are wasted, just because you are not using them out there in the working world. You are your child''s first and foremost educator, and your knowledge and experiences can be so useful in helping you parent.


Heather

My college roomate and I recently had this discussion. Both of us have degrees and had good incomes when we married. Both of us have decided to stay home full time. We talk about all the $ we spent on tuition and now we aren''t even using our degrees. But, for me, my education was not a waste even though I don''t work right now. If for some reason I had to go back to work, I could. I would not be lost without my husbands income. Just knowing that gives me confidence that even though I completely rely on hubby right now I don''t have to. makes a huge difference to my mental state.

That is so true mrssalvo! Having an education to fall back on is a win win situation for mom, dad and child not to mention the confidence and security it provides emotionally for the mom.

 

[Sundial]

I have every respect for stay at home moms, but it just wasn''t for me. I didn''t work because I had to financially or because I wanted luxury cars and big vacations, but did so because I enjoyed working. I also enjoyed my children. I admit that I was fortunate to be able to find excellent child care arrangements, to be able to afford a cleaning lady, and to have a husband who always helped out. I also made compromises in the workplace. I refused to take any position that would force me to work long hours and I was able to work out an arrangement to work only three days a week for several years after the birth of my second child. When my children were teenagers I decided to quit my banking career and use my skills to help my husband in his family owned business in order to have more flexibility. My children are 19 and 22 now and they are both doing well in college. They are well adjusted and happy and I have no guilt over my decision to keep working. I agree with those who have said that it is all about balance. I hope for my daughter that she will have the choice to do as she wishes without being judged by others.