If you have the option of being a stay at home mom, would you?

[hlmr]

There are pros and cons to all parentlng decisions and while it is true that kids who are involved in sports, etc., are less likely to be hanging out in the wrong places, it is also important for kids to have lots of time to do what they want to do. And again, each child is different.

My son can't take being scheduled for anything except dinner! lol Seriously though, he plays hockey and that is enough schedule for him. We are fortunate enough that he can go outside and ride his bike, build forts, skate and swim in the neighbourhood we live in and he loves to choose something different every day. But he won't be hanging out aimlessly downtown just asking for trouble when he gets older. He will still make his own choices but within certain boundaries.

It might sound shocking, but he rarely ever watches t.v. but that's because my husband and I don't either.

Mara, I am not sure about stats, but I don't remember this extreme violence against children as prevalent years ago. It would be interesting to find out what the present day statistics are.

 

[lornajs]

It''s a 100% personal choice. If you are happy, then you''re kids are more likely to be happy too. But it can be hard to know what is right for you with so many conflicting social pressures - one way OR the other - bombarding you.
I worked full-time with my first child (returned to wk when she was just 10 wks) and was fine with it until she got to about 18 months, after which I found it increasingly difficult. I started being resentful about my long hours, especially when I had to travel (usually a full week away at a time - I LOATHED it).
I made the decision to quit work (from what others probably perceived as quite a glamorous job) when I got pregnant with my second child. I realised number 2 was probably going to be the last one for me and I really wanted to experience the pregnancy and her early childhood minus the stress. I''ve not regretted it for a second and I''ve been able to experience so many aspects of her ''babyhood'' and ''toddlerhood'' that I simply did not with the first. It''s been a revelation!
Interestingly too, my older daughter is very VERY highly strung, whereas the little one is as calm, cool and collected as can be. I wonder if the peace and quiet and a stress-free mum contributed to this?
My girls are now 3 1/2 and 15 months, and I hope (circumstances allowing) to be able to stay at home with them until they reach school age.

 

[moremoremore]

Hmmm. Lemme think. Would I rather stay home and be run ragged by my own children and work for my own family....or work for strangers making them rich, getting belittled, hung up on, stressed out over court appearances, be frantic with deadlines, get mental brainaches, deal with arrogant a-holes who think they're better than you, etc etc. E/t I know that being a mom is a full time job, I think the quality of life as a full time mom ($ aside) is much better than a full time employee....Although I guess if you LOVE your job that's a different story.

Geez, i wonder which I'd pick.

Please. I have no kids but I'm really sick of listening to my sister bitch...when she doesn't work and the kids go to school now...and then she asks if I saw oprah. Are you kidding me?

 

[hlmr]

Date: 2/16/2006 8:19:57 PM
Author: moremoremore
Hmmm. Lemme think. Would I rather stay home and be run ragged by my own children and work for my own family....or work for strangers making them rich, getting belittled, hung up on, stressed out over court appearances, be frantic with deadlines, get mental brainaches, deal with arrogant a-holes who think they''re better than you, etc etc. E/t I know that being a mom is a full time job, I think the quality of life as a full time mom ($ aside) is much better than a full time employee....Although I guess if you LOVE your job that''s a different story.

Geez, i wonder which I''d pick.

Please. I have no kids but I''m really sick of listening to my sister bitch...when she doesn''t work and the kids go to school now...and then she asks if I saw oprah. Are you kidding me?

C''mon over moremoremore!!! Are you gonna pick motherhood? I for one think you would be a great one!

Heather

 

[moremoremore]

easy there! one step at a time...LOL...the question is IF you have them, would you want to stay home! I''m not going to deal with whether I want them! ARGH!

 

[pebbles]

I just spent the last 10 minutes looking for an article that was in my local paper about a year ago, and of course I can't find it! It talked about whether the number of violent crimes against children have actually increased over the last 10-15 years or so, or whether the number has stayed about the same. I wish I had the article to quote the statistics, but basically the number has stayed about the same. There have been the around the same number of stranger abductions each year, but the number of parental/family member abductions has increased. The number of reported violent crimes in general has increased, but according to the article, that's most likely because we are aware of a lot more and encouraging our children to speak out when something does happen. This article also mentioned that there are a lot more news stations then there were 10-15 years ago, so we are just exposed to a lot more as well.

What has increased dramatically however, is the number of violent crimes kids are comitting against other kids. When I was growing up, if you fought with someone, you used your hands. Now kids have all sorts of weapons. I'm 33. I NEVER heard of anyone bringing a gun to school in the news. Things like Columbine didn't happen. I agree that it's a much scarier and more violent world than when I was a kid. My kids are little; I shudder to think what they are going to have to deal with as they get older. ETA: the article attributed the increase in violent acts to violent video games, movies and tv shows that are more readily available then when we were kids.

As far as kids being overscheduled, I think part of it is the parents living vicariously through their kids. I obviously haven't been through this yet b/c my kids are too little, but I see it a lot with my neighbors and other family members. Last summer my 10 year old neighbor had a softball game starting at 8:45 pm! When I asked the mom about it, she just shrugged it off and said that the kids nowadays are in so many activities that this was the only time they could all make it. She is guilty of having her kids in a million activites -- many of which she told me her kids don't want to be in, but she wants them to be in in order for them to be "more well rounded kids" then complaining about being a chauffeur. She got really mad at me when I asked her the last time her kids went to the park just to play. Sure, I want the best for my kids too, and if they want to try out a few different activities, fine, but I won't let them be in a million things. My niece, who is 12, gets to bed at 11:30 every night because she is up late doing homework; she doesn't get home from her activities until 7:30 most nights, sometimes later, then eats dinner; and is up every day at 6 am taking extra classes before school. She's not even in high school and her parents are pushing her to get a scholarship for college, so she feels like she needs to do all these things. I feel so bad for her.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 2/16/2006 10:56:53 PM
Author: moremoremore
easy there! one step at a time...LOL...the question is IF you have them, would you want to stay home! I''m not going to deal with whether I want them! ARGH!

Sorry, you are right. I got a little over zealous there. That topic is for a whole other thread!! I just know what a wonderful animal mom you are....

I appreciate your frustration when your sister complains to you about her career as a SAHM, when you feel like you are in workplace hell right now. I hope things get better for you soon.

Heather

 

[MrsFrk]

Okay, so I am unique here: I am a professional nanny!
I basically get PAID to do what SAHMs do, and I am paid WELL.

Everyday at the park I see women who are dying inside, because being a SAHM is not AT ALL what they want to be doing, but because of the way they were raised and their notion of what a ''Good Mother'' is means that they should stay at home.

I also see women who HAVE to work (I live in N. CA, life is soooo expensive here) and their hearts break every day when they have to hand their children off to nannies, day care providers.

Here''s what I know:
The SAHMs are BRUTALLY judgemental toward the Working Moms.
The Working Moms deride the SAHMs for not having a ''life''.

No one is doing anyone any favors. We women need to respect one another''s choices, and needs, and support each other! I would much rather see a child with a loving nanny and parents who work and are happy versus a child with a SAHM who resents her children (while also loving them more than life itself, they are not mutually exclusive) for having to stay at home with them.

Some women are just not wired to be SAHMs. Seriously. Just like not everyone could be a good, loving, responsible nanny.
Remember, if Mama ain''t happy, ain''t nobody happy. Cheesy, but true.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 2/19/2006 9:12:28 PM
Author: MrsFrk
Remember, if Mama ain''t happy, ain''t nobody happy. Cheesy, but true.

So TRUE!

And, let''s not forget "Happy Wife - Happy Life".

 

[sxn675]

Well said MrsFrk.

 

[kittykat]

I finally read through this thread-whoa...The thread is pretty relevant to me because DH and I want to have kids soon. He''s getting his PHD and I make a really good freelance living. We''ve decided that when he''s done, I''ll be a stay at home mom, but in the meantime, if we have kids when he''s still in school he would be a stay at home dad (of course staying in school). It seems like a really good set up but I worry that I might get jealous and resent him because I would want to be home with the baby. Any one ever deal with this? I also grew up being told not to rely on a man because I could be left with nothing if I have no skills on my own or any assests. I have seen these situations-results of both death and divorce.
My own experience growing up with this may not be the usual. Both my parents worked and they owned income properties which they managed themselves. They were pretty busy. Growing up, I never felt that I was neglegted and I remember spending a lot of time with them either watching tv, going to movies, swimming lessons, paino lessons, antique shopping, open house hunting...all sorts of things. We had live in nannies, and sometimes my parents didn''t make it to school functions (it did bother me a little), but I really loved that as long as we were doing well in school my parents weren''t on my back about homework and stuff like that. I liked my independance and I think I turned out ok. They did end up divorcing, maybe the presssure got to them. That was actually when the quality time dwindled a little. I do know it was hard for my mom to keep up with her career and aways be there to take us to the doctor or what ever. For whatever it''s worth, that''s just my personal experience.
I feel that this is a really tough decision, especially for career women who love their jobs and are ambitous (and not just for money) because I think that they probably not only feel guilt for not being around thier children, but also want to be around them as much as possible. My mom still gets super excited just to see me and I''m already 28. I can''t imagine how hard it must have been for her not to be around her children as much as she wanted to. People need to do what''s right for them and thier families and try their best to feel good about it because life is hardly ever ideal and perfect for anyone.

 

[selflove]

There was a good bit on this topic on GMA this morning. Don''t know if it could be found online somewhere but they called it "Mommy Wars" and the debate was spurred on by a law professor named Lorna Hirschman. Good food for thought...

I''m still so torn, as I will hopefully have to make this decision in the next year or so (I say "hopefully" b/c hopefully I''ll be able to get pregnant!). Part of me really wants to keep working and earning $$ and putitng $$ toward my retirement during the 2-3 more years we''ll be in the States. Once we move to my FI''s country, it will be difficult to get a job so part of me just wants to maximize these next couple years in the States. But the STRESS of commuting in LA is bad enough without balancing that with kids. I couldn''t imagine this rat race getting any worse...

 

[njc]

Here is a link to what Selflove was talking about: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFamily/story?id=1653069&page=1

I have to say the Hirshman woman in the interview kinda ticks me off.

 

[Caribou]

That article irritated me.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I went to talk to a bunch of profs yesterday about next year, how to negotiate a bigger stipend, etc...

and one thing I noticed was that I talked to four men and one woman, and the woman never had children. This may just be a generational thing, but it sure did drive the point home again--SAHM or career, pick. I''m actually going to have coffee with the one woman and ask about how she thinks not having children affected her career later.

Someone mentioned *if* they can get pregnant...yeah, it is an if, isn''t it? My first day of college they thought I had appedicitis and did and ultrasound, and then the idiotic doctor announced "Oh, you have such and such a condition and probably won''t be able to have kids.." Oh, thank you SO much. I actually told my FMIL, who is obsessed with us having children and me being the primary caregiver (her precious baby can''t be wasted staying at home) about this and she took it pretty well.

Dunno. We''ll see.

 

[MINE!!]

"I think that one could argue that these women are letting down the team," Hirshman said.

I am curious about what ''team'' she is playing for...Or maybe we have a different opinion about what a team is... I would love to be her second child and grow up with the guilt that I was such a burden to mommy and made her miss 2 days for my eye infection....