If you have the option of being a stay at home mom, would you?

[qtiekiki]

And why? What are the pros and cons of at home vs working mom for both the parents and the kids?

 

[Momoftwo]

I did for 14 years and have two wonderful young men to show for it. And even after I went back to work, it was part time and I was there when they left for school and when they came home. I saw all their firsts, was room mother, had a position on the PTA, volunteered at church and in their school computer lab, took them places during the summer, etc. It''s something I will never look back on and regret. We had less materially than those with two working parents, but so what. My boys have thanked me for it. I never "stayed at home". That''s such a misnomer. I also never felt any guilt when my DH and I went out in the evenings on dates, leaving them with neighbor teenage girls as baby sitters. I know lots of people feel they can''t afford it, but the reality is, you can if you really want it. Families do it at all income levels. We had a townhouse, drove cars til they died and didn''t go on a big vacation every year. None of that "stuff" mattered. Kids really just want their parents, and I didn''t want someone else who no matter how "good" a daycare provider they were, (they would never love my kids the way I do), raising them for me. They were ours to raise. Now is me time. They''re in college and totally, mature, independent young men.

I''d do it over exactly the same way again. Most working moms I know are torn, most stay at home moms aren''t. Yes, I feel very strongly about this and know I won''t look back and say "I wish I''d spent more time at work".

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I loved that my mom didn''t work until I was older (maybe 7th grade? I can''t remember exactly) She was always there when I got off the bus, went on field trips with my class, if the nurse had to call her if I got sick at school she could come get me (this was before cell phones) it just comforted me knowing she was at home. My dad worked a lot so I guess it kind of balanced it. We do not have children yet and as silly as it sounds one of the reasons I chose to go into the field I did was because I COULD work from home if I wanted/needed. We have already decided that we don''t want to send our kids to daycare (not that it is a bad thing but it is just our choice). Besides daycare is SO expensive. I know someone who spent over $21,000 last year. It hardly seems worth it unless you both have high paying jobs. So we are making the decision that when it comes time to have children I will stay home.

 

[moon river]

I stayed at home with my 2 daughters until I got divorced. They were 15 and 8 at the time. I wouldn''t have given up that time with them for all the world. My oldest is on her own now but I am in a position that I can be home for my youngest who''s 14. For awhile there I was working 2 jobs(ex wasn''t paying child support) and they stayed with my mother alot. But I would rather do without alot of things and know I''m there when my child needs me.

 

[monarch64]

We''ve already decided that I will stay at home until our kids are old enough to attend school, at which point I will look for something part time. (This is if we decide to have children. We''re in no hurry, although I''m 28 and he''s 35 now!) He was in daycare, I had a stay at home mother so we both know the pros and cons of either situation... IMO, it is ideal that one parent "stays at home" to deal with the everyday needs of their own child. I''m not anti-day care, but if we''re in a financial position to avoid it, we''d love to.

 

[leeenie]

I feel very conflicted about this. I am about to graduate from professional school and enter a career where you can''t "take time off" and get back in because your reputation and experience count for a lot. I feel that if I were to stay home, all of my education would in a sense be wasted.

I also think that if I were to stay at home, my identity would be completely wrapped up in my children and husband and I wouldn''t have my "own" life - interests, experiences, challenges, and accomplishments - all of my experiences would ride on the happiness of my kids and husband. Wouldn''t it feel like my job was done once my kids left for college?

I''m also sensitive to following the cliched tradition of women staying home and doing housework while the men earn the money. Why is it still (almost) always the women who give up their careers and intellectual pursuits to stay at home? I suppose it''s biological (as well as cultural) as women have to be the ones to bear children, and we can only fight biology so much. It just feels like in this day and age, with women and men being equally educated and qualified for almost all types of careers, it''s not right for the women still to be the ones who almost always leave the work force. I also feel that if I were to have daughters, I wouldn''t be able to rightfully encourage them to work hard in school and succeed, because what would be the point of working hard if the end point is to stay at home because they don''t see me using my education?

Another issue I have is that I wouldn''t feel comfortable completely relying on another individual, as much as I loved them and vice versa, for my livelihood. I just don''t feel that things would feel "equal" in our partnership and I''ve been indoctrinated to value equality very highly (gender, racial, and others). I wouldn''t feel entitled to spend money on myself (not that I''m a big spender, but on principle), because I didn''t earn it. I also don''t think my partner would have the same kind of respect for me as an equal partner on all levels, including intellectual, if my life consisted of doing chores, taking care of kids, and being a supportive family member - not because of anything about him, just the way I feel about this issue.

Part of the reason that I feel this way is because my mother always worked and I don''t know what it''s like to have a stay at home mom. I admit it would have been nice to have her around more when I was growing up, but I don''t know if I could have had the same drive to succeed if I didn''t see her doing what she did. It hasn''t hurt our relationship since I''ve grown, and I appreciate the fact that I can talk to her about my experiences at this stage in my life and career advice.

That being said, I don''t want my kids raised by strangers and I know it will tug at my heartstrings once I have them and I''ll want to be around them all the time forever. It will be very hard not to quit work, but at this point I think it would be better in the long run if I didn''t. Who knows, maybe that will change. My solution so far is to move back to my hometown so my family will have more of a role in raising my (unborn) kids instead of nannies/daycare.

I don''t mean to offend anyone, even though I know I probably have. I know this is a loaded topic, much like the DINK thread. Just wanted to get my 2 cents out there. I don''t think this issue will ever be resolved for women, since our society and economy require that people dedicate their lives to work in order to succeed.

 

[mrssalvo]

I''m a stay at home mom and I wouldn''t trade it for anything. Hubby and I do have to make a few sacrifices financially but shortly after I quit working full time I noticed I wasn''t spending as much either. No need for work clothing and lunches out etc. I love having my days with my girls and being their primary caregiver. I started working part time a few months after I got married. Once my daughter was born it was an easy transition to quit completely. It did take a little while for me to get used to not bringing in an income and having my own money. Hubby and I worked a budget and we each get blow money to do whatever we want. I opened up a seperate saving account that I can spend however I choose. That helps me feel like I have something that''s mine. I also sell on ebay and bring in spending money there too. He alway jokes that his money is our money but my money is just that, MY money

I think people have to find what works for them. I have friends that need to work not only for financial reasons but mental ones as well. Being with their kids 24/7 drives them nuts and they find they are better mommies in the times they are with the kids when they have time away from the kids..

 

[Kaleigh]

I worked when my kids were little. I gave up my job because I was missing so much. I haven''t regretted it at all. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years and have been very active in their schools and charity organizations. They have loved that I was able to drive them to school and pick them up, never missed a play or a game. Being there for them was the greatest gift I could give them. Yes we made sacrifices too. But for me it was worth it. Now they are 17, Ashley is off to college next year and Rob is 15. I look back and think where did the time go?? They thank me all the time for being there for them. I think that is the best paycheck I could ever get!!

 

[qtiekiki]

It''s not really a loaded question. I was curious as to what others think because I am also conflicting. We don''t have kids and don''t plan on having any for a couple years. I quited my job because they were making me work over 40 hrs weeks and won''t give me a full time title, so I didn''t have time to go up to the Bay Area to plan our second receptions. Right now I am looking for full time employment in the science field. I would want to be home when I have kids, but that would mean that I would only be working in that field for a couple years. And similar to teagreen, it''s not really a field you can just go in and out of because science technology are constantly upgrading and changing and experiences is really important. But if I continue to work after the kids, then I will miss a lot of baby''s 1st. So I am going back and forth. In an attempt to weigh the two options, I asked this question because I want to hear opinions of both at home and working mom. I can understand why it seems like a loaded question though because of the way it''s phrased.

 

[diamondlil]

Both my husband and I grew up with moms that stayed home with us. It was the way of that generation, and that''s what mommies did. Because of our upbringing, it was a mutual understanding that when we had kids, I would stay home too.

Two years before my first child was born, I took a part-time job working from my house. At the time, it was meant to pay off some medical bills (fertility treatments actually) and have a little extra spending money. That worked out so well, that when my son was born, I gave up my full-time job and continued my part-time job from home. Here I am 16 years later, it has worked out so well, I can''t imagine doing anything else (beside not working at all of course).

Because I have been home with my two children, I have enjoyed every aspect of their lives. I''ve been home for them whenever they are sick, I''ve been room mother for their classes, and spent countless hours volunteering. Not only that, but if I were to work outside the home, there would be no way for the kids to participate in after-school activities. Music lessons, dance, sports would be nearly impossible to coordinate if I were at work until 5:00 or later, had a commute to deal with, not to mention feeding the family, taking care of a house, etc.

The idea that stay-at-home mommies are "home all day with little to do," "bored," or "not contributing," is totally backward. Believe me, I''ve heard it all: "What do you do all day," "my mind would turn to mush," "the kids would drive me crazy." You only get out of life what you put into it. I seek out my own interests and challenges all the time. Running a household is a joint effort, and I know my husband respects my role and considers me an equal in our lives.

The financial aspect of staying home is another issue. I do understand that sometimes it is impossible for moms (or dads for that matter) to stay home full time. On the other hand, I believe there are many that have not done the math to realize how much it actually *costs* to work. The expenses of working (i.e. daycare, gas, vehicle maintenance, wardrobe, etc.) make it difficult to justify being away from home for 40 hours a week plus commute time. We have never had the luxury of family members close by to assist with child care so that''s a big issue. I do work part time from home, but even if I did not have that, I''d make a few alterations in my life to work the finances out. For me personally, no paycheck is worth what I would miss.

 

[blodthecat]

There is definitely no right or wrong answer for this question.

It is a decision you and your partner need to make. Only you know what you will feel most comfortable and happy doing.

Blod

 

[sevens one]

With my first two I worked until I had our third. (The oldest two were 8 and 10)

I have been "home" for almost 10 years. It''s what I always wanted. I never wanted to work. I was so depressed when I had to return to work leaving my baby behind.
I did what I had to do then for financial reasons. Thankfully we are in a position where I''m able to be home.
I am so grateful for this. I love being home for the kids.
I do wish I could contribute more financially but that time will come I''m sure.
Right now I''m where I need to be; home.

 

[leeenie]

Date: 2/12/2006 3:30:08 AM
Author: qtiekiki
It''s not really a loaded question.

Actually this has been a hot topic somewhat recently in the press, probably because almost every woman has to make the choice at some point and the choices don''t seem to be changing while the options are, which people thought was remarkable. There was an interesting cover story in Time awhile back called "The Opt-Out Revolution" which discussed up-and-coming career women "opting out" to be full time moms (I think it''s more like "forcing out," but that''s another story). There was also a related Maureen Down article (part of her book) and another NYT article about the new wave of "anti-feminism" and smart, educated women (in one article, Yale college students) planning to find a guy to support them and planning to stay at home in contrast to the feminism of the 70''s.

Working moms feel sensitive that others think they''re selfish for not prioritizing their families above their careers; stay at home moms feel sensitive that others think they gave up their ambitions to stay at home - this is a generalization of course. I find it interesting that there seems to be this backlash against working moms; have you ever seen a talk show where a female audience member asks a question and first introduces herself as a "full time mom" and everyone cheers (it happens a lot it seems)? Have you ever seen them cheer for a working mom?

 

[JCJD]

An old coworker told me about a book that discusses the financial pros and cons of staying at home vs working, written by a woman who has her PhD in economics (I think) and now stays at home with their kids. Of course, I don''t remember the name, but it''s something like the Nanny factor...

We''ll probably have our first child at the end or just after I graduate with my PhD. As my department is full of baby-philes, there is no shortage of babysitters if I have to go to class or something. I''m thinking about going into teaching rather than research, which is definitely something I could prepare for at home or with baby at the office with me. Teaching is also something I could go back to after several years hiatus or do part-time if we decide I''ll stay at home with the kids. DH wants to own his own business or work from home eventually, which could possibly mean he''d be a part-time stay-at-home dad too. I would love to stay home with my kids or have him stay home while I work for money, so basically, we''re keeping our options open. Great question!

 

[Mara]

I think each situation is different...but around here it's expensive to live and it is hard to have a really great life on just one income, but we do know people who are doing it successfully. I was thinking the other day, gosh could we live on Greg's income comfortably, if we had to, and when I worked it all out in my mind I thought well yeah I guess we could! I just wouldn't be buying sparklies all the time that's for sure.

I read an article a few years ago about the cost of daycare if you don't have family to assist and it was basically saying that so many working moms end up just handing their entire salary back to the daycare systems because it's so expensive. So the article was kind of like well is it really worth it to be a working mom and make say $50-60k a year doing something basic (not talking higher level positions here in this expensive area) when about $40k of that goes back to daycare? It was really interesting. Obviously if your income is more like $100k or you are the primary breadwinner in the family it may be different, but the jist of the article was if you aren't changing the world or making all or most of the money in the family then why would you even want to work and have someone else raise your kids. I didn't necessarily agree or disagree but found that thought process very interesting. It sounded like alot of mom's had no idea that they would spend so much on daycare and all the frustrations of being a working mom so after a while they just decided to 'break even' and have the time at home with their kids.

I am in a position now where if we do decide we want to have kids within a few years, I can always do my job (sales) part-time and keep my biggest or most favorite clients and work from home 90% of the time. There are a few gals who do that now in our office who are more like 'contractors' and we rarely ever see them but they make a decent living doing it some of the time and being able to stay home with their kids. So that is a huge perk mentally for me, because I know that if I was still in corporate marketing I would have to leave, have the baby, and then return after the 3 or 6 months or whatever that is the norm for maternity leave.

Mentally for me it would be very hard to not have income of my own in ANY way, shape or form as we are both really independent and have been before we met, since we got together etc. We are still figuring out even how to merge our finances so we both feel good about it, so it would be really hard for me to have to feel like I 'rely' on Greg for my money....whereas some of our friends who have kids and the wife stays at home to raise them, they have been together for 10 years already and so they are more 'integrated' in how they deal with finances and things like that. So if we did have kids and I kept my job the way it is now and could do it PT and make my 'own' spending money and raise the kids, then that would make everyone happy I think and keep us at a level where we were comfortable and able to do more than just the basics.

But this is all speculation, who knows what will happen in a few years! But I think if you CAN swing it financially and you CAN swing it mentally, then do it and stay home with your kids...because you won't get that time back later.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree with those who have said you NEVER look back and regret the time you took off to spend with your children. I have either not worked or worked part-time through my children''s growing up years. And I do not have a moment of regret about the missing income. Once they were in school, I taught part-time, and of course, as a teacher, I have holidays and summers off anyway. I only teach 4 days now that our youngest is in 4th grade. I do some private testing and tutoring as I specialize in working with children with dyslexia, and very soon I plan to do only that. So my mind will still be engaged in something I love, but I''ll work out of my home and be able to completely set my own schedule.

I have known some young moms who have been depressed staying home after giving up the work identity. But to me personally, in that situation, I highly recommend some part-time work. Quality time is a nice concept, but a mom who works from 8-5 and gets home around 6 and has to feed kids and get them baths, do the laundry, etc. even with a helpful husband...well, just how much quality time is that? Kids just want your presence...it doesn''t have to be constant entertainment.

Our income is OURS, and whether I have worked or not, I kept the checkbooks and paid all the bills. I have never for a moment felt like my worthiness in the marriage was determined by my paycheck. Being the mother of my children and being here for them has been a great joy of my life.

I will emphasize that there are those who have no choice but to work fulltime to feed their children and I have great admiration for them trying to juggle everything. I have less admiration for those who put thier kids in daycare for 50 weeks a year 7am-6pm so that they can be a 2 Lexus family and vacation in Europe. But that is just my value system, and we each have to make that decision on our own. Thankfully we live in a country where we have those choices.

 

[leeenie]

Date: 2/12/2006 3:02:11 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

I will emphasize that there are those who have no choice but to work fulltime to feed their children and I have great admiration for them trying to juggle everything. I have less admiration for those who put thier kids in daycare for 50 weeks a year 7am-6pm so that they can be a 2 Lexus family and vacation in Europe.

Those are 2 extremes. There are many complex reasons other than pursuit of material goods and absolute necessity that a mother and/or parents would choose to have the mother work. Just because it is not absolutely financially necessary for a mother to work does not mean that the parents are choosing material goods over the welfare of their children if the mother works, nor that they "deserve" less respect than the mother who gave up her career completely to be a full time mom.

Part-time work
Also, not all career choices make it worthwhile to pursue part-time work. For those that can do it, it could be ideal - teaching, work-at-home jobs, independent contractor and self-employed freelance work come to mind. But there are a lot of careers where it''s just not possible, and if the person (woman) in that career doesn''t want to completely give it up, that family will have to compromise in other ways. In those cases, the woman HAS to give up the "something [she] love" or has interests/ambitions to do in order to be a full time mom.

Quality kid time
If kids go to school until 3pm or so, and maybe have some afterschool activities and playtime with other kids, it''s not like a working mom who gets home at a reasonable hour (which is admittedly a struggle in itself) will miss out on all that much watching-kids time. There are still (hopefully) weekends, dinnertime/nighttime, and mornings. Of course it''s different for babies and toddlers until they go to school.

 

[Momoftwo]

Quality vs quantity does not mean the same thing to children as it does to adults (who feel quality time is more important). For kids, it's all about quantity. They do not care what you do with them as long as you are there. They also really don't care where they live or whether they have matching bedroom furniture or decorated rooms. I agree with diamondseeker, the majority of moms I've known over the years who worked did not do it to put food on the table, but to have the bigger house, newer car, better vacations, etc. Anyone who wants to be a full time mom can do it. I have several neighbors who are waiting for their husbands to open one more business or make that next rung so they can stay home. They hate leaving their children every day. The money in this house has also always been ours. I'm by no means totally dependent on my DH, but so what if I was. Why is that a bad thing? I trust him with my life, why not the material stuff too? I do not get my identity from work, nor did I get it solely from being someone's wife and mother (although that's a great identity to have). I get it from being me and I choose to put my children ahead of any job I might have while they were growing up. Now, it's just DH and I and we are having our time and spending our money our way (including paying for our boys college). Its "our" time now. The funny thing is after most people get older and realize they'll never be CEO or whatever, they tend to go with what's best for the family and not just solely for themselves.

Also, moms who have high paying jobs also tend to have less free time since those types of jobs expect longer hours, etc. So, the moms who can "afford" daycare and still have money left over have less free time to spend with their families. Vicious cycle huh?

 

[leeenie]

Date: 2/12/2006 2:24:37 PM
Author: Mara

I read an article a few years ago about the cost of daycare if you don''t have family to assist and it was basically saying that so many working moms end up just handing their entire salary back to the daycare systems because it''s so expensive. So the article was kind of like well is it really worth it to be a working mom and make say $50-60k a year doing something basic (not talking higher level positions here in this expensive area) when about $40k of that goes back to daycare? It was really interesting. Obviously if your income is more like $100k or you are the primary breadwinner in the family it may be different, but the jist of the article was if you aren''t changing the world or making all or most of the money in the family then why would you even want to work and have someone else raise your kids. I didn''t necessarily agree or disagree but found that thought process very interesting. It sounded like alot of mom''s had no idea that they would spend so much on daycare and all the frustrations of being a working mom so after a while they just decided to ''break even'' and have the time at home with their kids.

I agree with the idea that for some couples it just doesn''t make financial sense for the mom to work IF there are no other reasons for her to, like the mom enjoying what she does or changing the world or helping people who need help. Even if none of those are the case, there are other reasons a mom could choose to work, like the financial independence that you mentioned and other reasons that I mentioned already.

---------------------------------
Date: 2/12/2006 3:55:45 PM
Author: Momoftwo

I''m by no means totally dependent on my DH, but so what if I was. Why is that a bad thing? I trust him with my life, why not the material stuff too?
----------------------------------

What if god forbid something happened to the wife''s husband, by choice (divorce) or not (illness, death)? A stay at home mom would have to break back into the job market likely doing something that will make it a struggle to make ends meet given her lack of credentials and experience. Aside from that, I think it would be a huge burden for one person to support an entire family unless that person earns millions+ (what if something happened to his job? Especially with the low savings rate, less than 1%, of average Americans, if the one breadwinner loses his job, a family burns through their savings pretty quickly and it leads to bankruptcy and homelessness in a lot of cases - general statistic, not directed at anyone) and the idea of being completely reliant in all aspects of one''s life on another person seems scary to me.

--------
Does anyone on the pro-stay-at-home side have anything to say about the disparity between so many women choosing to stay at home and the equal rights and opportunities for women that women finally have in this country after all the struggles in the last 30-40 years? It seems like things are naturally regressing back to what was the accepted practice in the 50''s etc. There''s this cartoon from the 50''s or 60''s that was in the Ladies'' Home Journal or something that was instructions on how to be a good wife...I can''t find it right now, but ito me t was definitely a little too reminiscent of how things are today. If anyone can find it...let me know!

 

[Mara]

actually teagreen now that you mention it, Greg told me about some article in the NYT i think it was last week about something about how stay at home mom''s didn''t really WANT to do it necessarily, it was just something that kind of happened and seemed the right thing to do at the time (i think he was saying this was back in the 40s/50s/60s)....i remember him talking to me about it but now i don''t remember what the details were. i vaguely recall him saying that some lady wrote a book or something and in it she interviewed all these women/mothers about their thoughts on this same topic and it was really interesting what they had to say about it...i will have to corner him when he gets home and see if he remembers what the jist was and then i will let you know if it''s relevant!

 

[leeenie]

Date: 2/12/2006 4:13:48 PM
Author: Mara
actually teagreen now that you mention it, Greg told me about some article in the NYT i think it was last week about something about how stay at home mom''s didn''t really WANT to do it necessarily, it was just something that kind of happened and seemed the right thing to do at the time (i think he was saying this was back in the 40s/50s/60s)....i remember him talking to me about it but now i don''t remember what the details were. i vaguely recall him saying that some lady wrote a book or something and in it she interviewed all these women/mothers about their thoughts on this same topic and it was really interesting what they had to say about it...i will have to corner him when he gets home and see if he remembers what the jist was and then i will let you know if it''s relevant!

Mara, I think I found the article, "The Parent Trap":

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/08/opinion/08warner.html

quoted in part:

The answer, for a great many families, is the same as it was 50 years ago. That''s why when I read the obituaries of Ms. Friedan, who died on Saturday, I was sad, but also depressed: their recounting of her description of the lives of women in the 1950''s sounded just too much like the lives of women today.
Although it often seems anecdotally to be true that domestic tasks and power are pretty evenly divided in families where both parents are working full time, the statistics argue quite differently. The fact is, no matter how time- or sleep-deprived they are, working women today do upwards of 70 percent of household chores for their families. The gender caste system is still alive and well in most of our households. After all, no one really wants to do the scrubbing and folding and chauffeuring and mopping and shopping and dry-cleaner runs. (I''m leaving child-minding out of this; in a happily balanced life, it doesn''t feel like a chore.) Once the money for outsourcing runs dry, it''s the lower-status member of the household who does these things. It is the lower-status member of the household who is called a "nag" when she repeatedly tries to get other members of the household to share in doing them.
This is just one indication that the feminist "revolution" that was supposed to profoundly reshape women''s lives remains incomplete. Another is the fact that there are no meaningful national policies to make satisfying work and satisfying family life anything but mutually exclusive for most men and women.>>>
---

And if anyone is interested, the Maureen Dowd article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html?ex=1288324800&en=197a1142bf2ba967&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

quoted in part (keep in mind she is an op-ed columnist):

It''s easy to picture a surreally familiar scene when women realize they bought into a raw deal and old trap. With no power or money or independence, they''ll be mere domestic robots, lasering their legs and waxing their floors - or vice versa - and desperately seeking a new Betty Friedan.>>>

 

[leeenie]

I found the article, actually from Good Housekeeping 1955. If you have trouble reading it (had to shrink to fit), this is what it says:

--------
The Good Wife's Guide

-Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

-Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

-Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and it is one of your duties to provide it.

-Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

-Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

-Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

-Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all the noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

-Be happy to see him.

-Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

-Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

-Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

-Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

-Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

-Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

-Don’t ask him questions about his actions or comment his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

-A good wife always knows her place.
-----------

 

[E B]

Absolutely. I don''t know if I''ll ever get that chance (thanks to my future husband, the aspiring starving-artist

) but I would if given the opportunity.

 

[hlmr]

If you have the option - take it! You will never regret it. BUT if you are a woman who would not be happy in this situation don''t do it because you "should". Balance it with a part-time job or hobby. A chronically unhappy mommy is not going to be good for her baby.

I stayed at home with my son until he was 8 and then I went back to work part-time which was a fulfilling move for me. I helped out in his classroom for 6 years and was so pleased to be able to do so. On the flip side, I always felt a bit like a second class citizen because I didn''t work outside the home. Part of that was self-inflicted and part of it was inflicted by others.

I do believe that my most important role in my life thus far has been motherhood and I would never give up the years I was home for any career in the world. If given a choice children will choose their parents - not the presents.

Heather

 

[Momoftwo]

No power? That's funny. I've never known a single stay at home mom who didn't have equal say in spending and decision making.
I was raised by a stay at home mom and never thought I didn't have any choices. I've always felt equal to my husband. The choice I made was to raise my own children. That to me is the ultimate in choice and freedom. Feminism has evoked so much fear in women. There are always what if's? I know quite a few stay at home moms and never knew anyone that ended up homeless or bankrupt, even after divorce. I'm seeing all the typical arguments that really don't show anything other than fear. As for death and illness, anyone who has planned for the what if's has life insurance and long term disability set up. When you have a two income family and they're living at the limits of both incomes, which is very common also, what happens when one loses their job? No difference.

I see no disparity between choosing to stay at home and the equal rights we're all entitled to. Maybe women are just choosing the important. If you notice, those of us that have done it don't regret a single minute.

Teagreen, do you have any children? That's what this thread is really about anyway. Children.

 

[Mara]

Date: 2/12/2006 9:02:30 PM
Author: Momoftwo
No power? That''s funny. I''ve never known a single stay at home mom who didn''t have equal say in spending and decision making.
I was raised by a stay at home mom and never thought I didn''t have any choices. I''ve always felt equal to my husband. The choice I made was to raise my own children. That to me is the ultimate in choice and freedom. Feminism has evoked so much fear in women. There are always what if''s? I know quite a few stay at home moms and never knew anyone that ended up homeless or bankrupt, even after divorce. I''m seeing all the typical arguments that really don''t show anything other than fear. As for death and illness, anyone who has planned for the what if''s has life insurance and long term disability set up. When you have a two income family and they''re living at the limits of both incomes, which is very common also, what happens when one loses their job? No difference.

I see no disparity between choosing to stay at home and the equal rights we''re all entitled to. Maybe women are just choosing the important. If you notice, those of us that have done it don''t regret a single minute.

Teagreen, do you have any children? That''s what this thread is really about anyway. Children.

Does it really matter if she has any children? The person who started the thread doesn''t even have children. This thread is about theoretically if you HAVE THE OPTION, would you. It IS a loaded question but it can be debated and I find it very interesting...no one should force their opinion down anyone else''s throat just because they have had ONE experience of their own. Everyone''s experience has the potential to be difference and there are some points being raised that ARE valid here in these various posts and articles and discussions. There IS no right or wrong.

 

[leeenie]

Date: 2/12/2006 9:02:30 PM
Author: Momoftwo
No power? That''s funny. I''ve never known a single stay at home mom who didn''t have equal say in spending and decision making.
I was raised by a stay at home mom and never thought I didn''t have any choices. I''ve always felt equal to my husband. The choice I made was to raise my own children. That to me is the ultimate in choice and freedom. Feminism has evoked so much fear in women. There are always what if''s? I know quite a few stay at home moms and never knew anyone that ended up homeless or bankrupt, even after divorce. I''m seeing all the typical arguments that really don''t show anything other than fear. As for death and illness, anyone who has planned for the what if''s has life insurance and long term disability set up. When you have a two income family and they''re living at the limits of both incomes, which is very common also, what happens when one loses their job? No difference.

I see no disparity between choosing to stay at home and the equal rights we''re all entitled to. Maybe women are just choosing the important. If you notice, those of us that have done it don''t regret a single minute.

Teagreen, do you have any children? That''s what this thread is really about anyway. Children.

By disparity I mean the disparity between the equal opportunities in the career world that are out there, and the women who choose to take them (versus the majority of men who do). Of course women can choose to stay home - they always have - that''s nothing new. What''s new is the opportunities now available to women, but the choices in reality haven''t changed much. Makes it seem like there''s no point to all of these opportunities if what''s heralded as the RIGHT choice is for women to choose to stay home anyway. My point is that there are other considerations to working v. staying at home than devotion to children or lack thereof, and financial necessity.

Children are precious (and the future), but since when should they dictate the life choices of a certain ~50% of the population?

As a side note, I think people tend to feel happy about whatever choice they make. Those that chose to stay at home are happy with their choice to do so (other than those who try it and find out they don''t like it and go back). Those that choose to balance work and mothering NOT because of financial necessity have their reasons too.

(thanks Mara

)

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I went to college at the height of feminism in the 70''s. And I''ll just say this. Things may be reverting a little back the other way because some of what we were told was just plain lies. I know I am as smart and as valuable an employee as a man, but I have no need to "prove" that! The big lie was that you could have it all, great career, great kids, great possessions etc. But I know my husband works 11-12 hour days to be in the management position he is in. I am thankful for his job and income because it does give me some freedom to do what I want. But there is no way I''d sacrifice my children to any career that would take me away from home 60 hours a week. It may be hard for someone without children to understand that feeling of having a precious little baby, and how hard it is to leave that baby with a babysitter, nanny, or daycare provider. A few people are lucky enough to have a close relative keep their baby, and that can help. I just felt that in the long run, my kids were worth the investment of my time, and there is no professional accomplishment that could give me more pleasure than that (and I do love what I do!). And I have told my college age daughter that if she wants to stay home with her children, the key is to go try to live as much as possible on one income and do not get into debt that requires two incomes. I just know so many girls that have come back to work because of a high mortgage payment, and they are heartbroken to have to leave their babies. They just don''t realize it until the baby comes and they fall in love.

 

[Mara]

I definitely do see a trend here in the BayArea as well re: people wanting to stay at home with their kids more...whether or not they are able to is another story...sometimes you just can't make it work on one income when you have a $4-5k mortgage and property tax payment per month.

I always thought in the past that if we had kids and I was working in corporate, like I was for 99% of my working life...I would do what everyone else did which was go back to work after mat leave and hopefully my Mom could help out the way that my Grandma did when I was young. But now the scenario is different and who knows it could be different again later.

I don't think I would want to be a 1000% of the time stay at home Mom since I know I will need to get out of the house sometimes and feel like something other than a 'Mother' and also it would be important to me to have some sort of adult and professional interactions with others in the 'outside' world...I can't see myself being content with doing playgroups and volunteering at my child's classroom all the time. So the scenario we have in mind now where I could work from home 90% of the time would be perfect and I think just the right ratio...it's not JUST about the children and making them happy and fulfilled, the parents (Both of them) have to feel as though they are living their lives and doing what they want to do too. I really don't believe in just giving up your whole being and life to dote on the kids...that's why so many kids nowadays are spoiled brats and the parents don't know how to handle them, because the kids know their lives revolve around them! But that's another topic...one that has been hashed out here many many times!

So for me it really is about BALANCE....how you can balance something like a career (even a partial one) with family, keeping time for yourself, and then don't forget to keep room for the relationship between you and your husband, so many parents just turn into PARENTS and nothing else, putting their lives on hold for 18 years til Bobby moves out of the house. But I have seen people do it in a better way. For us particularly, we are older...so if we have kids I would be ~35 and Greg would be ~41. If we put our lives on hold til Bobby turns 18 and leaves for college, Greg would be pushing 60. It's not the same as when you get married at 20 and have the kids and they are out of the house by 40. I think this generation especially has alot more to 'deal with' mentally...and there is more expectations for the women to try to do the juggling thing.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Mara, I agree with you about balance. No woman here is suggesting that we become mindless slaves or anything like that. I have worked part-time whenever I felt like it.

Mara said: "I really don''t believe in just giving up your whole being and life to dote on the kids...that''s why so many kids nowadays are spoiled brats and the parents don''t know how to handle them, because the kids know their lives revolve around them! But that''s another topic...one that has been hashed out here many many times!"

But I am going to disagree with you on this. The most spoiled, undisciplined kids I normally see are those who are overindulged by the two full-time working parents who feel bad about leaving the kids so much and dont have the energy to give them consistent discipline when they finally get home. The kids have a tendency to act up to get the attention they so desperately crave.