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If you hated the ring ...

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CharmyPoo

CharmyPoo

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 10, 2004
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Here is a hypothetical situation ...

Your SO has invested significant time and effort in buying a diamond and designing a setting. During the process, you provided input and voiced your desires. The day finally comes ... he proposes ... you are happy as heck. You notice that the ring isn''t exactly what you but you are too happy to think about it. A few days later, the excitment dies down and it hits you that you really hate the ring. It has some of the features you want but it just isn''t executed right and there are features that you hate that have been built into the ring.

What would you do? Would you tell your fiance that you aren''t happy with the ring? Would you go back to the designer and tell them you aren''t happy with the design (assuming they never showed you anything work in progress)? Would you make another setting?


PS: My boyfriend hasn''t proposed yet so it isn''t me above.
 
If I really couldn''t live with the ring I would say something to my boyfriend. But I would really have to hate it. I would be really pleased that he put so much effort into it for me.
 
I would have to say something. I know it would be a hard topic to discuss, but I could not keep a ring that I had to look at every day for the rest of my life if it REALLY bothered me.
 
I would say something and have the ring adjusted/exchanged, whatever. Sure, FI put in the time and effort but if it has elements that you hate, there''s no way you are going to learn to love it.

My BF knows how picky I am when it comes to picking out an e-ring, and I even remind him of that from time to time ;) But I know that he appreciates it bc he''d be most happy knowing that I get a ring that is exactly what I want. Also, since my boyfriend is not a big spender, if he''s gonna spend a good amount of money on a ring, he''s gonna wanna know that he is getting every penny worth by buying the exact ring I want. He is NOT gonna take any chances hoping that even if its not my favourite ring I''ll "learn to love it" bc of all the effort he put into designing, finding, buying, etc. it.

If you can tell your FI anything then you should be able to be honest about the ring as well.

Just my two cents :)
 
Like she said ^
 
My view is also to say something. I am also a super picky and anal person - probably almost compulsive behaviour! The challenge with this is that we want too much control in the process. I was at the point of sending photos and nagging about all the tiny details every couple days.
 
I think you should at least wait until you see it in person... Then, see how you feel. But remember, at the moment he puts the ring on your finger you HAVE GOT TO be happy about being engaged. Don''t spoil his and your moment by focusing on somethinge materialistic. That can be a discussion for later.
 
Amy - that is exactly what is driving me crazy. I am ruining the moment by being materialistic. I have taken the romance out of it by viewing this e-ring as a piece of jewelry instead of focusing on what it symbolizes. I am so upset at myself for doing that which is the reason why I want to ignore the whole thing. I know he will be so disappointed and upset if he knew I wasn''t totally happy. We live together and have known each other for 13 years. I don''t want to be hung up on something so meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
 
be sure he doesn''t propose with a setting.
 

^Im with you Dancing Fire


The best proposal IMHO would be for him to get the perfect stone in the cut that you like and propose with that and you go pick out the setting......its a win win situation.


 
Date: 12/19/2008 11:49:17 PM
Author: Mrs W

^Im with you Dancing Fire



The best proposal IMHO would be for him to get the perfect stone in the cut that you like and propose with that and you go pick out the setting......its a win win situation.



Click to expand...
Yes agree 100%
 
You can''t expect most men to guess exactly what ring you are going to like. Giving the task to him is setting him up for failure. If this was her choice, then she should live and learn. Especially not to do this to him in the future. Would you send him out to select your house for you on his own, or your car? I think major purchases should be decided on together as a couple.
 
I''ve never understood the ritual where the guy''s supposed to read the girl''s mind and pick the perfect ring on his own, and if he doesn''t, she''s supposed to pretend to love something she dislikes. That seems like a terrible way to start a marriage. You guys are going to be living a shared life. Communicate! Talk to each other! Learn what makes you both happy! Why start the marriage with a ritual that centers on lack of communication?

This is why my husband and I shopped for our rings together.
 
Well, your concern happened to me. I wanted something very similar to the Cartier 1895 solitaire with pave setting. What I really liked was the curves that the ring has. Well, the jeweler he went with refused to make the setting close enough to what I wanted. I knew the moment I saw it, that it wasn''t quite right, but I decided to let it go at the time because I was happy to be engaged. Now, since I look at it everyday, the changes the jeweler made bother me a lot (especially since it''s so high, I manage to bang my poor prongs up).

I ended up telling FI because I''m extremely anal and picky and it bothered me too much. While he was disappointed, he said I could redo the setting if I wanted to, and I agreed I would pay for it. In the end, I really wished we had used the first jeweler (our friend) b/c any money saved on the setting is lost b/c I would have to pay $$ to replace it. Since we''re having our jeweler friend do our bands, she made a couple of suggestions to try out before deciding whether I should redo my e-ring. I may redo my setting, but for now, I''d rather spend the money on our wedding bands than my e-ring.

If you''re going to die if you don''t get the setting you dreamed of, just ask him to give you the diamond and have you choose the setting. Or, just have him use a temporary setting. Part of me feels bad for not loving the setting because he worked really hard for it, but the reality is that you are going to wear this everyday, so you should be wearing something that you are happy with
 
Ladies - I had the discussion with my boyfriend and can post the real story. I decided that I shouldn't hide anything as we never have in our relationship. We are always open and speak our mind - it shouldn't stop just because I am worried about ruining his plans and pretending I knew nothing.

I was very involved in the whole process. We picked out the inspirational design together and identified the changes required. In fact, I put together a whole sheet highlighting all my desired elements for the designer. This has nothing to do with my boyfriend needing to read my mind. I told him what was on my mind and we made decisions together.

Earlier tonight - I was using his computer because mine wouldn't connect to the internet. Right there, was a photo of the ring. We requested the photos to be sent before the ring was shipped but was told that the photos won't come until after the ring was shipped. I was very disappointed with the photos although they were not professional shots. However, the things I didn't like wouldn't change in real life - I am not talking about minor workmanship issues. I am talking about overall design.

Some of the elements were right but so many things that I dislike were there as well. The lines and curves of the ring were wrong. I wanted a shank that is 2mm or less and this shank appears to be a lot thicker. We stressed over and over again that we wanted something dainty and delicate. The ring is not that and appears to be bulky and heavy to me at least. For anyone who has followed along with my threads, I was very anxious because we did not receive any sketches of the design and the whole process was very vague. We didn't know what we were going to get.

This is like my nightmare coming true and in fact - it is my boyfriend's nightmare. He had a dream a few weeks back that the ring didn't turn out right and I hated it. He also wasn't very fond of the photos he saw. We decided to wait until tomlorrow when the ring actually arrives. He said if we don't like it - we will start over again. Maybe we will be able to live with it. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I should add that I feel awful for not loving the ring. This is by no means speaking badly about the designer. I am positive that once I post photos of the rings - many will love it and think I am stupid for disliking it. However, we each have our own taste and preference. I wish and wish that I would love it. I know how hard he tried to make everything perfect because he knows exactly how I am.
 
can we see the photo?
 
Date: 12/20/2008 1:52:07 AM
Author: glitterata
I've never understood the ritual where the guy's supposed to read the girl's mind and pick the perfect ring on his own, and if he doesn't, she's supposed to pretend to love something she dislikes. That seems like a terrible way to start a marriage. You guys are going to be living a shared life. Communicate! Talk to each other! Learn what makes you both happy! Why start the marriage with a ritual that centers on lack of communication?


This is why my husband and I shopped for our rings together.
Click to expand...

OK - you are blowing this waaaayyy out of proportion. Just because a guy wants to be in charge if the process, including making it a complete surprise, does not make anybody a bad communicator or is a sign of a couple that is dysfunctional in some way. Of course that entails a risk - her not liking the ring. In that case he should be open to changes - and explicitly prepare himself for such a possibility. Of course that also assumes that there is enough trust and openness that SHE would actually say something. If the woman is actually disappointed because she misses out on the designing/searchingfun - well, you can't have it all. It is still a gift IMHO.
 
I''d have to say something too. I wouldn''t say it meanly to him or that I hated it but I would say that there are some things that I preferred with a different setting.
 
It sounds to me like you two actually are working on this project together. If it isn''t right, then work together to get it right.
 
Any suggestions on what to say to the designer? Ultimately, I don't think we got what we asked for or what we define as delicate is different. I may be more picky than her typical customer but at the end - the trust factor failed for me. If we requested sketches of the final design and was told that it will look like our inspirational photo ... and the end product doesn't at least on the minor details ... what does this mean? I understand that certain changes may need to be made so that it isn't a copy but shouldn't we discuss the changes first? If they don't mention changes are required, then you don't expect changes to be made.

What can I expect from this situation? I think a whole new setting will need to be made.
 
I''ve always worked with local designers, so I''ve been able to drop by the shop to discuss details in person, and I always took a look at the wax and approved it before it was cast.

Once DH got me a custom ring that was beautiful, but just looked wrong on my hand, so we returned it and had an entirely new ring made. The designer had no problem with that because they were happy to display it as an example of their work. Still, I was relieved when I saw that it was gone from the store about 4 weeks later, and I checked and indeed it had sold.

So, I''ve never worked with a designer from afar. There is nothing like seeing it in person, so take a look first, before you decide you don''t like it. I''d love to see pictures when it arrives, by the way.
 
Flygirl - Everything is hand made so there were no wax models, sketches, or cads. I think they designed it as they made it. This really didn't sit well with me and now I know why. Since we weren't local, we requested work in progress photos but we were told no. I doubt they will take it back considering they don't have a shop and it is a custom design. She thinks it is beautiful so perhaps. Who knows ...

Anyways, the ring arrives tonight and I will take some photos. Who knows - maybe we will be blown away in real life. At least i get to see the ring before the proposal now :)
 
Date: 12/20/2008 9:08:49 AM
Author: rob09
Date: 12/20/2008 1:52:07 AM

Author: glitterata

I''ve never understood the ritual where the guy''s supposed to read the girl''s mind and pick the perfect ring on his own, and if he doesn''t, she''s supposed to pretend to love something she dislikes. That seems like a terrible way to start a marriage. You guys are going to be living a shared life. Communicate! Talk to each other! Learn what makes you both happy! Why start the marriage with a ritual that centers on lack of communication?



This is why my husband and I shopped for our rings together.
Click to expand...


OK - you are blowing this waaaayyy out of proportion. Just because a guy wants to be in charge if the process, including making it a complete surprise, does not make anybody a bad communicator or is a sign of a couple that is dysfunctional in some way. Of course that entails a risk - her not liking the ring. In that case he should be open to changes - and explicitly prepare himself for such a possibility. Of course that also assumes that there is enough trust and openness that SHE would actually say something. If the woman is actually disappointed because she misses out on the designing/searchingfun - well, you can''t have it all. It is still a gift IMHO.
Click to expand...

Rob, if you read my post carefully, you''ll see that what I don''t understand is the ritual where the guy is supposed to read the girl''s mind and the girl is supposed to pretend to like whatever he gets here, whether she does or not. In your case it sounds like you''re open to hearing her objections and making changes if she doesn''t like it, so you''re not doing that exact ritual. I''m glad you & your girlfriend have good communication, and I''m glad you get to have the fun of picking the ring and she gets to have the excitement of the surprise,

Charmypoo, it sounds as if you and your boyfriend are in on this together. So your difficulty won''t be so much about hurting his feelings--after all, he knows how you feel and agrees that there may be problems with the ring. Your difficulty will be about how to work with the jeweler to make sure you get the ring you want, which may be hard, but it''s still a better problem to have.
 
this happened to me with my original e-ring. i told him i wasn''t happy; he said go fix it + be happy. i did. no worries.
in terms of what to say to the designer, simply yell her you''re not happy. you appreciate the time and effort she put into your ring, and would appreciate it even more if she helped you create the ring of your dreams. good luck!!!
 
charmypoo- just catching up on your thread. I''m assuming you got the ring last night?

my first bit of advice would be to wait until you see it in person. Pics really can be so deceiving and can make even the most delicate of rings look chunky. I agree with glitterata that the good news is your boyfriend seems to understand and is very open to changing it if you really don''t like it. That''s the harder part because his feelings are involved. I really hope you love it in person though
1.gif
 
Ditto mrssalvo. Pictures can be very misleading. When I saw the photo of my reset--before I had received it, I thought the shank was much thicker--in person the shank is extremely delicate.

Charmy--I hope the ring is everything you want it to be, and if not, I hope the designer will accommodate you.

glitterata--I understand exactly what you mean.
 
Sorry Rob (and I know that you're a jewellery lover yourself, so you're probably quite different to my man, but....)I really don't understand why the tradition is that a man gets to pick the engagement ring.

It does depend on the individuals involved, but so many people actually live with their intended for years before even the hint of a proposal... yet regarding the proposal itself the couple suddenly get all traditional and gender-specific and it just *has* to be the age-old custom of the cashed-up man enticing the girl with the ring... It seems weird.

If I wanted to buy my man a boat (!!), I'd talk directly to my man about it. Basically, he knows so very much more than I do about boats! And, unsurprisingly, he has strong opinions about boats, much stronger than my opinions on boats!

If I got the right boat, sure, it'd be a win for me. But the chances of the boat NOT being right are so huge!

My wedding jewellery should not feel like a ball and chain to me. I have to like it, not get lumped with it!
4.gif


Custom design jobs do seem to go awry reasonably regularly anyway. I love design, I love jewellery, and a piece I attempted for my husband as a wedding present came off dreadfully! So the whole custom aspect is another whole aspect of 'mind-reading' too, in a way.

3.gif


this is just my personal opinion in any case...by the time I get my upgrade, I'll have been shopping for a century - so if he goes and gets me a diamond ring (at the local store of course) without me helping him... well, I think I'll cut his head off with the bread knife!
3.gif
 
Well said, Lara.
 
Luckily DH knows that I am very picky and lets me pick out all of my jewelry LOL! I would probably gently say something and mention that the stone is beautiful and that he had the right idea, but tha the the "jeweler''s interpretation is off..." something like that.
 
Sorry everyone - I don't have much of an update. He got the ring yesterday but he wouldn't show me. I can't figure out if he is pulling my leg or not because he gets a kick out of teasing me. He may be trying to throw me off.

My boyfriend said he is extremely disappointed in the ring and went on and on about how awful it was. I think he went too far which makes me think he is lying .. LOL. He was saying the prongs were different sizes which seems odd to me because Maytal is known for her detail and precision. He also mentioned how the diamond wasn't as nice as he remembered. Anyways, he concluded that he was too embarassed to show me and I will have to wait. I suspect he is teasing me and the ring is actually gorgeous. Well ... I guess we will have to all wait and see how it turns out.

On a side note, we have a really open relationship so we don't butter anything up. We usually say it like it is.
 
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