If you got divorced, would you keep wearing your e-ring?

[Tanzigrrl]

My friend was engaged and received a huge and fabulous ring from her fiancee. They broke up and made arrangements for her to keep the ring. She had it resized and wears it on her left middle finger. It's a cocktail style ring so it doesn't scream engagement ring or anything.

 

[Haven]

I am keeping and wearing this ring come hell or high water.

 

[jstarfireb]

I think I would reset the stone into a pendant or another ring because it's too beautiful to give up, then either sell my setting or reset it with a colored stone.

 

[AGBF]

Well...my theory as to why I feel I'd have no desire to dispose of my engagement ring, doesn't seem to pan out when tested! Other mothers of girls appear able to part with their engagement rings. Maybe I don't consider my marriage a failure (although my husband would say our marriage was the biggest failure in the world and that we were never happy together). Or maybe I just don't associate my bond with my husband with the diamond rings. (I do associate it with the wedding band, which I didn't take off for months after he filed for divorce.) Whatever the case, I am incredibly comfortable with the rings, all of them. They feel completely mine and not at all like the symbol of some broken union. Of course, our union doesn't exactly seem broken, either. I'm not saying we won't get a divorce eventually, but at the rate we are going one of us may die of old age first.

Deb/AGBF

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I took my rings off after something occurred in my marriage that caused me to contemplate divorce. At that point I had been married for 26 years and my girls grew up admiring my rings and often asking to try them on.
Although it's now five years later and we have since reconciled, I never put the rings back on and I never will. The rings have no more meaning to me, but I will keep them for my daughters, to whom they do have meaning"


That is my situation to a T. I did not wear a wedding ring for several years after something went down here and when I finally did feel it was right to wear a wedding ring I got a new ruby and diamond three stone. My original bands had lost their meaning. I still have them. I don't know if I will offer them to our son when he decides to propose.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

No, I would not wear it. I would give it to our daughter one day.

 

[Jennifer W]

I would keep the ring if we divorced and probably wear it as a rhr, as a reminder of happier days. We got engaged 9 years ago today actually.

My ring is really precious as a symbol of our relationship, but it's also just a ring I love. I'd always wear it, I think. It would remind me of the best time in my life, even if that time was over.

Jen, I feel the same way, but about my wedding ring. I would probably stack it with some other bands on my right hand, but I suppose a lot would depend on the circumstances. I would consign my e-ring or trade it in toward some other piece of jewelry, though. Incidentally, today is our second anniversary.

Happy anniversary! Hope you have a lovely day. A little bling, maybe?

 

[Rhea]

I have both a son and a daughter. I have to be honest, if DH and I divorced (even amicably), I don't know that I'd want my son to use it to propose to his future wife. I'd want him to get a new ring with no history and let it and them make their own history. As for my daughter, I don't know that I'd want her wearing it as a RHR. Seeing it all of the time would just remind me of our failure. I don't think I'd have as much of an issue with her taking the stone and setting it into a pendant or something.

It's certainly something I hope never to have to contemplate seriously.

This makes a lot of sense. I have always desperately wanted my parents' wedding bands. My mother has refused to give them to me and prefers to sell them. She has offered me her silver and other objects, but I wanted the rings. I wonder if this is how she sees them. My parents are still together, but not wonderfully happy together. I'm aware my mother has a few regrets.

 

[Circe]

I am divorced, he never asked for it back, I had no reason to keep it. I bought a helium balloon from the dollar store, tied my engagement ring and wedding band to it and let it fly off... It's probably wrapped around a pine tree in the Rockies!
No regrets about it either, felt good.

This? Is the coolest way of handling it, ever.

I have one broken engagement under my belt: I returned the rings without a qualm. But that relationship was screwy through and through.

If my husband and I were to split? Hm. Given that we choose everything together, I don't think I'd feel the need to reject the symbols, because it would feel like rejecting a part of myself, of my history, of the experiences that made me the version of "me" I would be at the time (and I feel pretty good about myself, all told). So I think that while I'd definitely stop wearing them on the hand and in the fashion that signifies "marriage," I'd be perfectly okay with keeping them and resizing them and wearing them as-is, keeping them for future kids, etc.

 

[chemgirl]

When DH proposed there were several circumstances that resulted in him buying me a Cartier Trinity ring as an engagement ring/wedding band. Since it really doesn't scream marriage to me, I would probably switch it to my right hand. I've wanted one since I was a little girl though and would have bought one for myself at some point anyway. Actually, we had it engraved with dorky nerd logic speak so I might feel awkward wearing it if we were divorced. I'm really not sure what I would do with it. I think I would maybe buy myself a new one since I like it so much...hmmmm.

I believe that the general expectation is that a broken engagement = return the ring. If its a divorce, you're entitled to keep it and do whatever you want with it. In my family, people seem to either put it in a box and never let it see the light of day, sell it, or reset the center stone in a pendant or something. I can see how the circumstances surrounding the divorce might influence what you do with it.

 

[lbbaber]

After my divorce I had no choice but to sell my 1st ering (1ct E VS1 RB) after he drained our bank accounts, ran off with some young bimbo, and disappeared (literally). I had a 1yr old child to take care of and I needed the money. The wedding band (a 7stone band) I gave to my sister.

I am remarried to a wonderful man that is a fantastic father to my sons (he is raising my ex's child). If we were to divorce I would wear my ering as a RHR. I doubt that I would ever be in the financial situation my 1st husband left me in bc I keep a bank account that has "emergency money" in it for me. I learned my lesson. Thank God DH understands bc I am a SAHM now and he gives me the $$$ to put into my "emergency account" that he has no access to. Love him!

 

[mrscushion]

I'd most likely keep the ring, stop wearing it for a couple of years, and then have it reset into a right hand ring or trade it in for some other jewelry.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I would keep the center stone, sell the setting and use the lifetime trade up policy on my wedding band to buy and awesome RHR setting

 

[NTave]

My first husband drained our bank accounts, drained my childrens college fund, left me with literally nothing with two babies to take care of and literally a shell of the house that I owned well before our marriage, no money to pay the ridiculous amount of bills that I had given him cash to pay for and he used for his own vices..scary.
I was still in love with him for a long time into our divorce process and I should have sold the rings to pay for basic necessities, but I held on to them remembering happier times. It was a very precarious financial time made harder by a year long divorce fight over the prenup on the house. He has never paid child support for his children. I made it through and since then Ive contemplated what to do with them. Ive never wanted to rewear them as is, but I did want to save the center stone for my daughter. Earlier this fall I was planning on bezeling it and making a pendant, but I realized I just dont want to put more money into anything to do with him, much less wear it..I guess its now become a symbol of the struggle to make it out of the mountain instead of of happier times together.
My sister tells me to sell that and the 9 stone channel set band and buy myself a new RHR or another pendant, and I may do that if the right antique ring comes along...or pay for a nice house upgrade somewhere, possibly wood floors throughout..for now they sit in a vault, untouched, gathering dust.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

My sister just went through a divorce--they didn't have kids, so she sold the wedding band, but kept the e-ring (technically an anniversary ring that she paid for herself) to wear as a RHR.

If D and I were to divorce before having kids, I would have sold my rings. But now that kids are entering the picture, I'd keep them since they are the rings daddy gave mommy and who knows, maybe our kid(s) would want them.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I have two boys and also have two diamonds that are about the same size. One is my eng diamond and the other is my mom's. Each son will be given one of those diamonds. Since my mom's diamond is currently set into a pendant, I'd most likely do the same with my eng stone and my sons could give those to their future wives (if they chose to do so).

My dh and I have been together since high school so I could never sell my eng ring. I'm not sure if I'd wear it b/c it'd have to be reset (as my right hand fingers are larger)... guess it depends upon the circumstances.

 

[Black Jade]

This is an emotional topic.
I hope things work out for you, Deb. You sound very clear-thinking in a situation that isn't fun and I truly respect how you are thinking about your kids.
I don't want to imagine getting divorced, I know it is so very traumatic. My parents never divorced but they were estranged for several years before my father died and it was simply awful. I felt ripped apart even though I was forty years old at that time and me and my brothers and sister (all also adults when it happened) still have issues from the things that happened leading up to and during the separation. the rings were not an issue as my mother had lost the stone out of her engagement ring years before, and then lost the ring itself. Her wedding ring had been stolen. She talked a lot about how much she had loved her diamond ring--i would love to have that ring today and I even believe that the whole thing (parent's split and separation) is a big reason why I have so many diamond solitaires. I think I am doing magical thinking, i.e., if I always have an engagement solitaire, then my marriage will never break up.
My mom bought a diamond engagement ring last year (I was with her) and she now wears that and says that she has closure about the whole thing. she also now only has wonderful things to say about my father and how much at fault she was (which, unfortunately, is true, though I do not say so to her) and maybe we will all eventually heal from the whole thing.
My father had his wedding ring, though a ring my mother had given him before they were married was stolen. I think it was a mangagement ring, essentially, as she gave it to him when he gave her the engagement ring and said her ring was so beautiful that she felt that he 'ought to get something'. It was a lovely signet ring with his initials. My mother replaced that when it was stolen and both of those rings went, before he died to children--one to my youngest brother, as is the custom (along with my grandmother's wedding ring, which my father, the youngest son, had gotten) and one to his illegitimate daughter. My youngest brother sold the ring he got--to my other brother, who guards it carefully.
I think if there are children they usually value things which 'prove' that their parents were once in love. I think every child wants to believe that their parents were in love when they were born, even if, and maybe especially if, the parents are fighting in the present time in that devastating way that people who are almost always fight (and then deny that they are doing, or say that they are justified, that their case is different and that their children are better off because of the mess. I essentially never believe anything that anyone who is in the middle of a divorce says about the marriage or the other party. I don't think they are rational while that is going on. This is not only because of my parents. I don't think people lie, but when the dust has settled the story usually becomes VERY different. And in any case, the children should not be involved in it , it's still both their parents).
I guess I don't know what I'd do with my rings, to return to topic, if my husband left me (I am never going to leave him, which is all I have control over). My mother had lost hers, mysteriously around the time when they started having troubles; her mother, also divorced, switched her beautiful engagement ring to her ring hand and wore it until she died, although she hated her ex-husband. I have a friend who kept the ring and switched the diamonds over to add to her wedding set when she got remarried, although she also hates her ex-husband, saying 'they are perfectly good diamonds, why waste them."
I don't think it was ever the custom for a wife to have to return the rings to the husband when a marriage is over. The idea is (though judges are messing with it now), that if an engagement breaks up, the woman keeps the ring if the man breaks it off, and returns it if she broke it off. There are obvious exceptions to this rule, such as when the woman breaks things off because she caught him cheating--which is really essentially a case where he broke it off, in my opinion. After the marriage, it belongs to the woman when there is a breakup and he doesn't get it back. (A good reason not to give a family heirloom to a bride you don't know very well). Of course these are rules from the days when women didn't usually have careers and when people were realistic about the kind of shape a woman's career is likely to be in after several pregnancies and children (which most women had in those long-ago days). So the ring was intended as a kind of protection for her, just as alimony was intended as insurance for the woman against being dumped once she got to forty and had a few lines on her face (and more than a few stretch marks on her body). Nowadays, I don't know how applicable any of it is as its every woman for herself--you have to figure how to protect yourself financially and otherwise in case of a breakup, as a judge will treat a lazy man sometimes as if he were the mother of the three toddlers who honestly needed some help--I know my sister is paying alimony to an able bodied guy that she was married to for one year and who lives off the money that he can extort from ex-wives (plural). She was an idiot to marry him, but the punishment does seem unreasonable, like she's penalized for being the one who was responsible and had the house and a twenty year job.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I have a friend who kept the ring and switched the diamonds over to add to her wedding set when she got remarried, although she also hates her ex-husband, saying 'they are perfectly good diamonds, why waste them."

My friend did the same for a while. She had a floral band and a channel set wedding band she wore during her first marriage and then when she married the second time, she continued to wear her channel set band. Now she wears an antique diamond eng ring that belonged to her grandmother who passed away after my friend remarried. I'm not sure what she has done with the first wedding set now.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Well, my husband has informed me that he will not allow us to ever divorce, we will just have to live in a miserable marriage if things go south because he could not bear to only see his kids on weekends

But barring that lovely scenerio then I would not wear my true original e-ring, which is a sapphire solitaire. I don't think I would get rid of it though, perhaps save it for a grandaughter or something. My other diamonds I would wear on my right hand or reset.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Deb, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now (and all the other ladies who have gone through it previously)!

if we got divorced (which neither of us is open to so hopefully I'll never have to cross that bridge...) I would either go the maplefemme route or sell it and donate the proceeds. I couldn't stand to look at the ring or anything bought with proceeds from the ring, I wouldn't want my son to have it as it would have bad memories associated with it, and I wouldn't want to reset the stones.

that being said, I would then save for an awesome bit of bling just for me

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Deb, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now (and all the other ladies who have gone through it previously)!

if we got divorced (which neither of us is open to so hopefully I'll never have to cross that bridge...) I would either go the maplefemme route or sell it and donate the proceeds. I couldn't stand to look at the ring or anything bought with proceeds from the ring, I wouldn't want my son to have it as it would have bad memories associated with it, and I wouldn't want to reset the stones.

that being said, I would then save for an awesome bit of bling just for me

 

[MissStepcut]

Thanks everyone for contributing to this thread. I can tell posters did some really honest self-reflection before answering, so it's really been a meaningful thread to read.

 

[Laila619]

I believe that the general expectation is that a broken engagement = return the ring. If its a divorce, you're entitled to keep it and do whatever you want with it.

Yes, if the woman ends the engagement, she is supposed to return the ring. However, if the man ends the engagement, I've read that the woman should keep the ring.

 

[slg47]

are the rules different if it is a family heirloom stone? in that case I would think the stone should be returned to the original owner...

 

[Arkteia]

No.