Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

If You Felt You Needed an Apology . . .

iLander

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
I don't want to go into specifics, but I'd still like a general opinion:

If someone hurt your feelings, I mean really upset you, and then acted like nothing happened, what would you do?

I feel that someone I know owes me an apology, and I've actually said "I'd like an apology, I was really hurt'. The response was "Let's forget about the past," and an attempt to change the subject.

What would you do?

At this point, I'm just avoiding this person, because I can't look at her without alternating between anger and sadness.

ETA: The holidays are coming up and I can't avoid her forever . . .
 

MissGotRocks

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 23, 2005
Messages
12,656
In all honesty, if the person knows you are upset and even asked for an apology and same was not forthcoming, I'd let it go. For me, an apology is simply words. I'd be looking for a change in attitude from this person and quite frankly, would probably always hold them at arm's length because of the hurt. However, we can't force people to do what we'd like them to do. My feelings for them would probably always be tempered by the hurt they had caused. Time can sometimes help us to see things in a different light and there is always the possibility that the hurt you feel today may not be so painful in the future.
 

QueenB29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
440
I think it would depend on how bad the offense was. I'm sorry to give you a wishy-washy answer ::)

If it wasn't that big of a deal and this person is family, you should probably let it go. But in general, I think it's a really [email protected], passive-aggressive, manipulative thing to do. It lets that person get away with everything and puts you in the position where YOU'RE overreacting. My MIL is like that. She says/does horrible, cruel things and then never apologizes. It's your problem. If it gives you an idea of how I handled it, I have spoken approximately 5 words to her in the past two years and have refused to set foot in her house in that entire time. My husband finally went to visit by himself and she couldn't figure out why I wouldn't come, and made me out to be the bad guy. After all, it was years ago. Why can't I get over her criticizing my health and calling me the devil and Satan? What's my problem? (I should mention that this was strike 1,000 or so.) :errrr: :confused: :errrr: :shock: ;( :angryfire:

Sorry, threadjack over. You could write a letter saying why you were upset and explaining how disappointed you are that she won't take responsibility. That brings it's own complications though. (However, I do recommend getting everything out even if you don't give it to her.) But to be honest, you're probably not going to get an apology at this point. You can't force this person to apologize, and would it really mean anything if she said "I'm sorry" if you knew it was just to shut you up and that she wasn't really sorry? Probably not :cry: You kind of have to decide if whatever happened is bad enough that it would be worth you potentially cutting ties with her :nono: :blackeye:

I'm sorry you're going through this :blackeye:
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,905
Being the bigger person and forgiving someone is a lot more rewarding in life than holding onto the hurt and expecting something from someone that they cannot and/or will not give you. Once you decide to really forgive someone, I promise you will feel much more at peace about the situation and your relationship.
 

QueenB29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
440
monarch64|1318991479|3043171 said:
Being the bigger person and forgiving someone is a lot more rewarding in life than holding onto the hurt and expecting something from someone that they cannot and/or will not give you. Once you decide to really forgive someone, I promise you will feel much more at peace about the situation and your relationship.
While I agree with you monarch, I do think that some things can be so hurtful, or can so change your view of a person, that while they can be forgiven, they can never be truly forgotten ;)) It's also MUCH harder to forgive in the first place without an apology.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
56,120
QueenB29|1318992355|3043180 said:
monarch64|1318991479|3043171 said:
Being the bigger person and forgiving someone is a lot more rewarding in life than holding onto the hurt and expecting something from someone that they cannot and/or will not give you. Once you decide to really forgive someone, I promise you will feel much more at peace about the situation and your relationship.
While I agree with you monarch, I do think that some things can be so hurtful, or can so change your view of a person, that while they can be forgiven, they can never be truly forgotten ;)) It's also MUCH harder to forgive in the first place without an apology.
I agree that forgiveness is powerful even when undeserved. I just don't think asking for an apology will yield a sincere one. I think sometimes we find out who our friends really are when things like this happen, and it is best to move on and just choose to keep that person at more of a distance in the future. Letting it go benefits us the most.
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,507
I'd probably accept that this person has no intention of apologizing, and I would treat her civilly but probably not continue being a close friend. And I'd probably avoid her for awhile to give myself a chance to get over being hurt. As others have said, you can't really force someone to apologize, so I would just draw back from the friendship if I found I couldn't get past the hurt. And sometimes the passage of time can help, so hopefully at some point you may not be as upset or hurt as you are now. I hope you're feeling better about this soon, feeling hurt and upset really stinks!
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,905
QueenB29|1318992355|3043180 said:
monarch64|1318991479|3043171 said:
Being the bigger person and forgiving someone is a lot more rewarding in life than holding onto the hurt and expecting something from someone that they cannot and/or will not give you. Once you decide to really forgive someone, I promise you will feel much more at peace about the situation and your relationship.
While I agree with you monarch, I do think that some things can be so hurtful, or can so change your view of a person, that while they can be forgiven, they can never be truly forgotten ;)) It's also MUCH harder to forgive in the first place without an apology.[/quote

Huge difference between forgiving and forgetting. Please note that I did not use the word "forget" in my post.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
What the "Let's let bygones be bygones" response says to ME is that the person in question either, a) feels they've done nothing wrong, or, b) possibly feels themselves to be the wronged party. So it would sort of depend on how egregious the offense was.

If it was something that I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive, I'd cut the person out of my life. I tend to be fairly black-and-white about these things: my position is, if somebody's hurt me badly once, why on earth would I put myself in a position to let them do it again?

If, on the other hand, I thought there was a chance that maybe I'd blown the original set of circumstances out of proportion, that their intentions had been good ... I'd maybe agree to "bygones," trust them less for a few years, and, assuming the situation didn't repeat itself, let it go. Sometimes, life can be too short to insist on hashing everything out ....
 

Anastasia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
451
junebug17|1318993102|3043188 said:
I'd probably accept that this person has no intention of apologizing, and I would treat her civilly but probably not continue being a close friend. And I'd probably avoid her for awhile to give myself a chance to get over being hurt. As others have said, you can't really force someone to apologize, so I would just draw back from the friendship if I found I couldn't get past the hurt. And sometimes the passage of time can help, so hopefully at some point you may not be as upset or hurt as you are now. I hope you're feeling better about this soon, feeling hurt and upset really stinks!
I agree with this. I am not a person who really requires apologies from other people. However, I had a situation a few years ago with a neighbor, where he was so clearly in the wrong, that I really felt that I deserved an apology. (It was not just me who thought he was in the wrong, mutual friends couldn't believe what he had said to me and told him as much.) We did get past the actual event, but I couldn't just let this go. This sounds very high school, but I mentioned to a mutual friend that things could never be the same with said neighbor, because he hadn't apologized to me. Of course, the mutual friend told the neighbor, who then gave me a very heartfelt apology. And honestly, it changed everything for me. I needed him to tell me that he knew he was in the wrong, and then I could move forward.

I think that Junebug hit the nail on the head. If this person won't apologize, it would change my relationship with her. I would still be civil, but that would be about it. If she can't apologize, it tells you something about her as a person, and you should just treat her accordingly.

I hope you can resolve it. I know how terrible it feels to have something hanging out there like that.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
junebug17|1318993102|3043188 said:
I'd probably accept that this person has no intention of apologizing, and I would treat her civilly but probably not continue being a close friend. And I'd probably avoid her for awhile to give myself a chance to get over being hurt. As others have said, you can't really force someone to apologize, so I would just draw back from the friendship if I found I couldn't get past the hurt. And sometimes the passage of time can help, so hopefully at some point you may not be as upset or hurt as you are now. I hope you're feeling better about this soon, feeling hurt and upset really stinks!
Yup.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
I love that you said this really hurt my feelings.... That was the right thing to do, to say...

She replied, lets move on...

Meaning, she wants to avoid anything she did to hurt you... :rolleyes:

I don't know what she said.

It doesn't matter... She can't face what the problem is..

Ball is in your court. Want to swat it back to her??

IDK.. Maybe with time she will think about what she did... But won't put money on it.

I do hope things work out..
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
Kaleigh|1318995848|3043225 said:
I love that you said this really hurt my feelings.... That was the right thing to do, to say...

She replied, lets move on...

Meaning, she wants to avoid anything she did to hurt you... :rolleyes:

I don't know what she said.

It doesn't matter... She can't face what the problem is..

Ball is in your court. Want to swat it back to her??

IDK.. Maybe with time she will think about what she did... But won't put money on it.

I do hope things work out..
I don't agree with this analysis. We don't know why she said "move on." I've said "let's move on" or the equivalent when I thought I was in the right and the person was overreacting or because I stood by what I said and I thought they needed to hear it-- or because hurtful things were said in both directions (we don't have any context here) and I didn't want to re-hash things by saying "well, my feelings were hurt too and here's why." If it was a one way thing I would normally say, "I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but I standby what I said...." and move on is usually when something is a two way hurt.

As we have no context here we don't know what prompted the comment.
 

chemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2009
Messages
2,156
I think it really depends on the situation, what was said, and who said it. I probably wouldn't look at the person the same way, but I would try to move on if the incident wasn't too offensive. If it was something I couldn't get past, then it would probably end a friendship.

Its hard to comment without knowing details. I do think that she's either embarrassed and doesn't want to face the situation, or doesn't think she did anything wrong. Sometimes people are pretty oblivious.

If the person is family (I have a hunch that they are), I would try really hard to get past it. Its not worth creating a divide and having people choose sides.

Just my 2 cents.
 

Arkteia

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 3, 2009
Messages
7,565
It is so hard to comment because I do not know the details... All I can feel is that you are very hurt and upset, and this is most concerning. Some people are hurtful and just never get it (my MIL), some people may get it with time... Knowing you a kind, gentle person, I just feel bad that someone made you so upset. I wish you to feel better about this situation with time...
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,507
chemgirl|1318996400|3043233 said:
I think it really depends on the situation, what was said, and who said it. I probably wouldn't look at the person the same way, but I would try to move on if the incident wasn't too offensive. If it was something I couldn't get past, then it would probably end a friendship.

Its hard to comment without knowing details. I do think that she's either embarrassed and doesn't want to face the situation, or doesn't think she did anything wrong. Sometimes people are pretty oblivious.

If the person is family (I have a hunch that they are), I would try really hard to get past it. Its not worth creating a divide and having people choose sides.

Just my 2 cents.
You make a good point chemgirl..my response was based on the assumption the person in question is a friend, but after re-reading the OP it sounds like it may be a family member (reference to holidays), which does change things a little. It's hard to disengage yourself completely from family! Unless it's a really serious offense, it's probably best to just try to get past it if it's a relative. It takes awhile, but usually the hurt from things like this fade over time.
 

ForteKitty

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
4,674
Does this person have a history of hurting your feelings? Or is this a recent thing?

I ask because this recently happened to me, only I was the feeling-hurter for months and didn't know it. My friend of 18 years and I had a blowout. While getting closure, she said that I've been too honest with her and I should have known that she needs to be coddled. (her issues: bad choices, indecisiveness, marital mental-dishonesty) She's tired of getting her feelings hurt. I told her that I cannot do that as a friend. Friends dont lie to each other. She said I used to coddle her, and she is entitled to feeling hurt. Then it hit me. I stopped coddling her because I stopped respecting her. I resented her for putting me in such a predicament, so her feelings meant less to me. I told her that. We agreed that we're both entitled to our feelings, and it's best that we go our seperate ways. Although I did apologize for hurting her feelings with how I said things, but I told her that I still meant what I said.

Point is, sometimes people are less tactful when they're harboring some sort of internal resentment. Maybe thats' why she asked to move on? Maybe she felt like it wasn't enough to ruin the friendship, but she might still be slightly irked by something?

However, if she's always been bitchy, then it's time to kick her to the curb.

Friendships shouldn't be this hard. :(
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,039
Wow. You told her what you needed (an apology) and she refused (basically). I don't see you getting what you need or want from this person. This doesn't mean you can't become neutral towards her, but I am not sure a friendship can withstand the resentment you feel. I have a similar situation and I literally feel sick when I see this woman. I will never be friends with her again but I strive for neutrality. I strive to be free from resentment. Resentment is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die. What has helped is praying for her everything I pray for myself. At first I had to fake it. Haha. But now I actually believe it. I don't want to have hate in my heart for anyone. One day I think we may have to have a sit down so I have closure. Not looking forward to that day! Good luck. I can really sympathize.
 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
12,578
I have had an opposite experience recently. I had a falling out with someone and let it fester for 2 months. I went to her and said i'm very sorry for what happened. She basically threw it in my face. So now I have given up. I won't beg.

If this person has hurt you and you feel that the only way forward is by her apologising, then you must hold out for that. If you can see an way through this without an apology then try and move on.

It seems that you want her to own the fact that she hurt you. If she won't do this I would wonder if you and she are as close as you thought. Things can get heated, even between the closest of friends. But if we can't accept when we are in the wrong and make it right so the other person is happy and comfortable - well, i'd just move on.
 

AprilBaby

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
11,246
Sometimes embarrassment and pride get in the way. I am one of those people. It's not that you don't feel sorry, but that it is just really hard to put it before your pride. Let's put it in the past means she wants to move on and hopes you will forgive. In time you will get your apology when she is sure you won't blast her, and she feels more comfortable with you. My apology always comes, but not if you demand it. I am sorry to say I am that way. I wish I was a bigger person and she probably does too.
 

Skippy123

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2006
Messages
24,299
This has happened to me. It was awful but in the GRAND scheme of things I forgave (without an apology since one would never be given) but it helped everyone in the end. I think some times we just have to suck things up. If this is your DIL and you want a relationship w/your son, suck it up. I did that too recently and sure I am still hurt but it helps the whole family. The old me would of never forgave but for my own well being and everyones I just did.
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2006
Messages
1,526
My husband does this. We don't fight but about twice a year, but then it's all out. Both of us yell say things we shouldn't. I'm never proud of my role in it either. Once we've made up, I apologize specifically for those things ("I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said XYZ, I didn't mean it"), and he likes to just ignore the fact that it ever happened and move on. I used to demand apology but then it's just words so I don't even push it anymore. I know he didn't mean it so why do I have to force him to say it?
 

dragonfly411

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
7,378
I would probably let it go, but I would not be able to be close to the person anymore.
 

QueenB29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
440
Skippy|1319032272|3043436 said:
This has happened to me. It was awful but in the GRAND scheme of things I forgave (without an apology since one would never be given) but it helped everyone in the end. I think some times we just have to suck things up. If this is your DIL and you want a relationship w/your son, suck it up. I did that too recently and sure I am still hurt but it helps the whole family. The old me would of never forgave but for my own well being and everyones I just did.
Ahhhh. It seems like there may be some backstory here as Skippy immediately guessed that it might involve your DIL? If that's true, I'm guessing the two of you must have had problems in the past?

100% ditto what Skippy said. If it is your DIL, unless she insulted you to your face or is doing something to put your son (and grandchildren?) in danger, you HAVE to let it go for the sake of your son. If it's your DIL, and she knows you're upset, and she hasn't even given you a token apology....something else is going on. I tend to agree with some of the other posters who said that "leave it in the past" may be an indication that she's upset too. You didn't have to do anything wrong either or even have a clue as to what might be bothering her: MIL-DIL relationships tend to be so fraught with tension and minefields that it doesn't really matter who's right and who's wrong here :errrr: :rolleyes: ANYTHING else you say will be misinterpreted and may actually make things worse. Just think about how much you love your son and bite your tongue :???:

If she did openly insult you, or you're worried about the physical or mental well-being of your son, address it with him privately in as few words as possible and avoid any accusations. Then bite your tongue :???:

If it's not your DIL, just ignore this entire post ;)) and accept my sympathy for what seems to be a very difficult, painful situation :nono:

(Edited for grammar :bigsmile: )
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
28,946
After expressing your displeasure with her behavior it is 100% up to her whether to offer and apology, but it is 100% up to you whether you wish to to continue the relationship with such a person.

If no apology is given but you continue the relationship with such a person you are choosing to do so, so IMHO you give up your rights to complain.
Nobody is holding a gun to your head forcing you to continue the relationship, be it friend or family.

All relationships are voluntary and subject to your standards.
Of course if a person took this perspective to the extreme he/she may end up very isolated and lonely and might want to consider lowering their standards or being less sensitive.

You just can't control other people.
People vary.
All you can do is be selective in relationships, then work on yourself so others don't drive you crazy.
 

Mrsacornblue

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2011
Messages
229
It sounds to me that the only way that an apology will help you to move forward is if it is heartfelt and not asked for. That is a true apology from which people can move forward. It doesn't seem like you are going to get one in this situation. Any apology offered will likely be done so to placate you rather than in an attempt to make the situation better. The ball is in your court. You can chose to forgive and move forward with this person in a civil manner, limiting interactions to the bare minimum. It's a not-nice situation to be in but you can only control your own reaction at this point. :(sad
 

mrscushion

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
3,309
I think you can't change how you feel. If you still feel hurt, then it's no good sucking it all in and pretending the world is rosy. Let the person know that you are upset.

For me, I don't really hold grudges and, knowing how I typically respond, would probably let it go / forget about it... but if I were really hurt, I would never eat it up and keep it to myself.
 

Fly Girl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 9, 2007
Messages
7,312
My guess is it is the DIL, since iLander has not gotten along with her in the past.

iLander - My heart goes out to you, since you are such a nice person. I don't get along with my SIL, and nothing is going to change that. She is who she is, and she will never be my friend. However, since we are family, I do my best to limit my interactions with her, and to remember that what she says is a reflection of who she is and not who I am. However, I am an ENTJ, and my guess is that you are a more sensing person, so this is going to be harder for you. You need to put what she said in the past, and forgive her, because she doesn't care at all how you feel. Holding on to bad feelings hurts only yourself, and life is too short for this.

I hope time helps to heal your raw hurt.
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,483
It depends so much on the circumstance. There's only been a few times I was so cheesed off I called someone on it, and on those 2, 3 times I either got a sincere, surprised apology (they hadn't realized what they said was insulting) or at least a good airing out and cleared of the air. Other times I haven't asked for an apology but have gotten upset at someone's behavior. Those circumstances I sit on it, and usually come to some kind of understanding from further interactions if I was being overly sensitive or the other person is in the wrong or maybe that was uncharacteristic of the person because they are going through something.

I have also used the "lets move on" statement, primarily to my sister who constantly revisits the past and demands apologies for things that happened literally 20 years ago that we have rehashed twenty ways from Sunday, where there is plenty of blame on both sides and an "apology" is neither needed or helpful at this time.

I truly don't know what is the case in your situation.
Except for one person, everyone who has given me grief in my life I haven't necessarily "forgiven" but I reached some kind of understanding and was able to move on from wasting additional emotion/mental space on that person.
 

Puppmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
3,160
IMO, an apology that you have to ask for is meaningless. Sounds like the bigger problem is that you're stuck with this person in your life. I think you did a good thing by letting her know that what she did hurt you because saying nothing would perhaps make her think it's okay to treat you that way.

I agree with the others that I would be civil and make a good attempt at not being cold but, if cutting her out of your life is not an option, I can't think of anything else.
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Top 5 Honeymoon Destinations
    Top 5 Honeymoon Destinations
    Tennis Bracelet Love
    Tennis Bracelet Love
    Pretty Princess Cut
    Pretty Princess Cut

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top