If You Felt You Needed an Apology . . .

[somethingshiny]

If you've told a person you want an apology and they have not offered it, they don't believe they owe it. I'd rather them withhold an apology than lie to my face. Apologies only mean something if they are honestly given out of an understanding of wrongdoing. Otherwise, just words.

 

[makemepretty]

You can't make someone apologize. You can't control what they do, only how you react to it. Some people NEVER apologize.

Move on because it's bothering you but not them. What good does that do you? Instead, realize this person will not change and change your behavior to not let them hurt or insult you. If need be, be civil and polite but don't go further.

 

[partgypsy]

Wow caught up and read the thread about the DIL. Whew what a marathon thread! I side with Fiery on this one; while what she initally said was clearly wrong, often brides are lets just say hypersensitive about things (just check out the liw or brides thread if you don't believe me). What you saw as a nice dinner clearing the air she saw as an ambush on "your turf". At this time, I don't get clear warning flags about her. Right or wrong I do get the sense that she doesn't trust or believe you. She probably can sense you have misgivings about her, and she doesn't want to have much to do with you. She wants your son, not you. It hurts but that's the way it is.

Believe me if you have a manipulative or what have you DIL it will be clearer than what your posts state. In our family we had one (that is if they ever gotten married) Believe me, there will be much bigger flags than the ones you mentioned. I can't believe the number of people who are diagnosing and judging people from a 2nd person observer. Why is that bad? Because on the off case she isn't a "bitch" all this discussion is poisioning your view of your DIL, which will just make things worse.

And you know what? If she IS that way, you can be the best mother in law in the world, or the worst one, and it won't change anything at all. So be yourself, and live your life.

You wanted to know how it worked out for other people going through something similar. In our case, it was basically a fatal attraction situation of brainwashing my brother and isolating him from everyone else including his family. I'm not talking about asking him to eat a shell on a plate I'm talking about not allowing him to have keys to his own apartment. I won't go into the details because you won't believe me if I did. There were many many years of heartbreak with this. My brother had to come to his own terms with it and have to make his own decisions about it. After twenty years of this he now has custody of the kids and minimal contact with her. It was hellish but if this is the worse case scenario all you can do is just be yourself and be available to your son if/when he asks for help.

 

[iLander]

Well, this has been EXTREMELY helpful, everyone.

You are all right, you can't make someone apologize. Not sincerely, anyway.

I find that a very relieving thought.

I will not attempt to make her apologize, and if she wants to be "that person" in my life, I will have to treat her accordingly.

I have no idea why someone would want to be "that person", but that's certainly her decision.

I will have to decide if I want her in my life, and if so, how much.

Thank you, guys, you've provided me with a huge dose of relief.



@Flygirl; I'm an ENTP, so I feel ya, sister. Or maybe I just intuit, think and perceive you?

 

[iLander]

And you know what? If she IS that way, you can be the best mother in law in the world, or the worst one, and it won't change anything at all. So be yourself, and live your life.

You wanted to know how it worked out for other people going through something similar. In our case, it was basically a fatal attraction situation of brainwashing my brother and isolating him from everyone else including his family. I'm not talking about asking him to eat a shell on a plate I'm talking about not allowing him to have keys to his own apartment. I won't go into the details because you won't believe me if I did. There were many many years of heartbreak with this. My brother had to come to his own terms with it and have to make his own decisions about it. After twenty years of this he now has custody of the kids and minimal contact with her. It was hellish but if this is the worse case scenario all you can do is just be yourself and be available to your son if/when he asks for help.

I can relate to this.

I'm sorry you went through this, and I feel bad for your brother. Hugs.

 

[zoebartlett]

In all honesty, if the person knows you are upset and even asked for an apology and same was not forthcoming, I'd let it go. For me, an apology is simply words. I'd be looking for a change in attitude from this person and quite frankly, would probably always hold them at arm's length because of the hurt. However, we can't force people to do what we'd like them to do. My feelings for them would probably always be tempered by the hurt they had caused. Time can sometimes help us to see things in a different light and there is always the possibility that the hurt you feel today may not be so painful in the future.

I agree with MGR. I appreciate apologies but it's the change in behavior afterward that almost means more to me.

I hope you're able to work things out somehow!

 

[House Cat]

If you have to ask for an apology...it isn't a genuine apology anyway.

 

[JewelFreak]

iLander, sounds like a painful experience, I'm so sorry. You wouldn't put it here if it weren't affecting you a lot. If it's a family member you can't avoid & with whom you must have a relationship forever, I wish I could think of an alternative to letting it go, but I can't come up with one. Unless she is badmouthing you to someone else -- then you need to talk calmly w/that someone & remind him that he knows you well & ask that he not believe uncharacteristic stories without talking to you first. And hope it sinks in.

The best revenge is being sooo nice to her that she has no ammo. Hurts like mad, but you know you're really winning.

Hugs & dust!

--- Laurie

 

[QueenB29]

Well, this has been EXTREMELY helpful, everyone.

You are all right, you can't make someone apologize. Not sincerely, anyway.

I find that a very relieving thought.

I will not attempt to make her apologize, and if she wants to be "that person" in my life, I will have to treat her accordingly.

I have no idea why someone would want to be "that person", but that's certainly her decision.

I will have to decide if I want her in my life, and if so, how much.

Thank you, guys, you've provided me with a huge dose of relief.

Just remember that if you want to keep your son in your life and see future grandchildren, you will have to keep her in it too and at least be civil. (Whether she deserves it or not.)