If you could start all over knowing what you know today

[missy]

What would you do differently and how?

 

[MJ_Mac]

I'll be the first one to reply to your thread. I'm always the one who is the peacemaker and I don't like to make waves when it comes to friends and family. As a result I don't stand up for myself enough. I have recently found my inner strength and it feels great. I should have done this a long time ago.

I love Calvin and Hobbes too! It's the background on our computer.

I'll edit to say that Sara Bareilles "Brave" is my new anthem.

 

[missy]

Hi Poodles4me! Thank you for being the first to respond. LOL. And congratulations on finding your inner voice and strength to stand up for yourself. That's not always easy and good for you! I'm glad you enjoy Calvin and Hobbes too and while I never took any philosophy courses in undergraduate it is one of the first things I plan on doing when I start taking classes for fun. I think Calvin and Hobbes is a good starting point.

Love your sweet poodle in your avatar! What a love!

I'll answer the question too. Knowing what I know now I wouldn't have waited so long to get married and in fact I would have found my dh first and asked him out just to get things going so we could have met when we were a bit younger and not have waited so long to get married. But other things were in the way so I wonder if leaving well enough alone would be/is best.

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, man, what a question. Great thread and great Calvin and Hobbes strip, Missy!

There are many things I'd do differently, but I think our mistakes make us what we are, so I'm not sure that regrets are ever useful. However:

I'd have studied harder.
I'd have wasted less time in my life procrastinating.
I wouldn't have married my husband.
I wouldn't have had the relationship that I had before my husband.
I'd have kept up with my diet and exercise and not got fat.
I'd not have let the pain of early bereavement push me into the above relationship and said fatness.
I'd have had my eyes open about certain people in my life. I knew they were a little off but gave them a pass - and eventually I found out just how "off" they really were. If someone is a little off, assume that the "little" part is the tip of the iceberg.

 

[lovedogs]

haha oh man, I would have done SO MANY things differently, even though I'm "only" 30. I don't even know where to start.

I wouldn't have accepted (at age 17ish) that someone hitting me and holding me down during sex was "love", or that he "couldn't help" being so upset when I did wrong things. I wouldn't have then immediately started dating someone emotionally abusive after him, especially because I wish I had realized that abuse doesn't always mean physical pain.

I wouldn't have spent so much time hating myself (but I guess I"m still working on that one, so who knows). I would have demanded medication and therapy even against my parent's wishes because I KNEW something was wrong with my brain chemistry despite everyone's denial. Turns out that doing 2+ hours of OCD rituals isn't normal, and no one should have convinced me otherwise.

Let's see.....I would have immediately followed through on cutting off my father when at 21 I confessed that I was date raped (sobbing hysterically), and my mom was silent while my father "explained" that because I got in the hot tub w. him and made out with him that I had "essentially told him yes", so therefore it wasn't rape. I wouldn't have listened when he told me to "take things more seriously" after spending all day at the doctors to do STD tests and talk about AIDS prevention meds (I guess I was so hysterical that I laughed while explaining the "pros and cons" of those horrible meds).


And finally, I never would have stayed for 8 months with a guy who constantly told me "it's good you aren't that pretty so I don't have to worry about you cheating on me", or "oh yeah, thats true like Lovedogs is skinny! hahahahaha". GOD I HATED HIM, but was too scared of being alone to leave.

I would have moved to CA and found my DH rather than dating any of those IDIOTS, or I would have realized that being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. Feeling like garbage is way worse.

EDIT: Forgot to add that I wouldn't have allowed childhood me to be the "therapist" for my parents, and taken on their marital problems. It's messed up to let your 7-15 year old daughter be the mediator in a marriage, and to cry to her after fights. Not. ok.

If those things were different I might not have PTSD, and my OCD would have been managed far earlier than it was.

ugh, sorry that was so depressing.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Let's see, I probably would have gone to college, that's a biggie but I was too afraid of the whole idea. Also I didn't know what I wanted to do and I just wanted to get out into the world so college to me wasn't important at the time.

I would have less pets because it's overwhelming since I take care of all of them and it limits your housing options and vacation options when you have so many furry friends.

I was a total B before I had my stroke, I bordered on cruel at times actually so I would be a kinder gentler person who doesn't just say what's on my mind all the time. Maybe I would have some friends now if I had been nicer, no idea but trying to make up for that now.

Also in terms of relationships, I would wipe out my second one because he was emotionally abusive and a total loser. I only stayed with him because I was desperate to get away from my first love. Dumb now that I look back on it but that's youth for you.

All in all though, no regrets, everything I have experienced has made me a better stronger person in the end.

 

[tyty333]

I would have gotten a different degree and hopefully a job I would have enjoyed more.

I would have tried to not be so shy (not sure how you fix this.) I guess I would have tried to
force myself to try to start conversations with people I didnt know. No pain, no gain right?

I would have skipped my first boyfriend out of college. I think he brought my self esteem down
and I should not have put up with it. It's hard when you think you're "in love" though.
And while I'm at it...I should have skipped my last boyfriend in college. He was fine but I just
wasnt really into him. Sort of a waste of time for me and I think I hurt his feelings.

Now looking back to when I was younger I feel like I was just going through the motions without
really enjoying life...maybe should have taken more chances.

 

[missy]

Jambalaya and lovedogs thank you both for your honesty. And I didn't start this thread to make us feel bad about ourselves and I know you all know that. But instead just to think about things, and not regret per se but just moving forward knowing what we know I think taking stock of things can only be helpful. Not regretting the past but moving forward in a positive direction with what we have learned from the past. If that makes sense.

Lovedogs, I am so sorry for what you went through. You got through it and are stronger and still young where you are at the beginning of your life journey and lots of good things to look forward to and I am hoping you realize great things and great love and great happiness.

So good for both of you-Jambalaya and lovedogs making positive changes in your life and getting the help needed to make life from hereon in better and sweeter which you both deserve greatly! And (((HUGS))) to you for the difficult challenges you have endured and survived and you are stronger for it!

 

[siamese3]

I guess I would try not to hang on to things that people did to hurt me. I would try to be a better listener and understand that you don't always know what someone's motivation is. I would also be better at pleasing myself than pleasing others, at my expense. One of my favorite quotes is from soren kierkegarrd, and I think it's pretty true:
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

Edited to say, I would have surrounded myself with more positive people

 

[lovedogs]

Thanks, Missy! I adore my DH and our 2 dogs, my job, and things in general. Finally working through the PTSD is going to be good for me, even if temporarily painful.

I'm happy with how things are, but do wish it didn't need to be so sh*tty getting here.

 

[missy]

Stephanie, I completely agree. Everything we experience in life has the potential for making us stronger! If we learn from it and don't give up. Good for you!

tyty, the prevailing wisdom is we don't regret the things we have done but we regret the things we have not done. For me another challenge is living in the moment and enjoy each day and trying not to constantly look forward and worry about things over which I have little or no control. As for being shy it is difficult to change who we are intrinsically and I am sort of shy too but my advice regarding that is just do it. Go up to the person and start talking and just be yourself. And if they don't like who you are too bad for them and their loss yanno?

 

[missy]

I guess I would try not to hang on to things that people did to hurt me. I would try to be a better listener and understand that you don't always know what someone's motivation is. I would also be better at pleasing myself than pleasing others, at my expense. One of my favorite quotes is from soren kierkegarrd, and I think it's pretty true:
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

Edited to say, I would have surrounded myself with more positive people

Love that quote siamese! And I completely agree about surrounding oneself with positive people. They don't always have to be cheerful and upbeat because I like real people and don't care for pollyannas but positivity is always a good thing. It makes a difference when your friends are supportive and help you see the bright side of things vs being always around negative nellies who bring you down. I tend to be on the pessimistic side myself but I am always positive and consider myself an optimistic pessimist. As well as an extroverted introvert. Yeah that's right. It's a real thing.

 

[Calliecake]

Loves Dogs, Your post made me want to cry. I know from your postings that you have a happy life now but it makes me sad that you ever went thru these things. I'm so glad things are good In your life now and that you have a wonderful husband. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you but you are one of my favorite people here and I think you are a wonderful woman! If you ever doubt yourself, please come talk to me!

 

[missy]

Loves Dogs, Your post made me want to cry. I know from your postings that you have a happy life now but it makes me sad that you ever went thru these things. I'm so glad things are good In your life now and that you have a wonderful husband. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you but you are one of my favorite people here and I think you are a wonderful woman! If you ever doubt yourself, please come talk to me!

+1 to that. Lovedogs, me too. You are a lovely woman and deserve only happiness and love and contentment and lots and lots of bling!

 

[marcy]

I try really hard not to get suckered in to shoulda, coulda, woulda thoughts but one thing that keeps popping in to my head these days is I sure wish I'd spent more time with my parents.

As Jambalaya said the things we've experienced made us what we are today; the best I think any of us can do is move forward and try to always do the best for ourselves, our family and friends and be kind and decent people.

 

[missy]

I try really hard not to get suckered in to shoulda, coulda, woulda thoughts but one thing that keeps popping in to my head these days is I sure wish I'd spent more time with my parents.

As Jambalaya said the things we've experienced made us what we are today; the best I think any of us can do is move forward and try to always do the best for ourselves, our family and friends and be kind and decent people.

Sage advice Marcy.

 

[jaaron]

I would have been more aware that time passes--nothing is forever--and it's the one thing, with family, friends, children, that you can never get back. I would have tried to worry less, be more decisive and more in the moment. That said, I don't have many complaints.

Oh, and I would seriously re-think the decision not to jump off the deep end into a few years of uncertainty by buying the penthouse apartment in our upper west side building - U shaped, views on three sides, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, full dining room, massive eat in kitchen - because at the time we thought $500,000 was outrageously out of reach.

 

[missy]

I would have been more aware that time passes--nothing is forever--and it's the one thing, with family, friends, children, that you can never get back. I would have tried to worry less, be more decisive and more in the moment. That said, I don't have many complaints.

Oh, and I would seriously re-think the decision not to jump off the deep end into a few years of uncertainty by buying the penthouse apartment in our upper west side building - U shaped, views on three sides, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, full dining room, massive eat in kitchen - because at the time we thought $500,000 was outrageously out of reach.

Hindsight always 20/20 and cannot beat yourself up for that. Should woulda coulda - yes we can all say that at one time (or many times) or another. LOL when I think of the real estate I should have bought! I completely agree with what you wrote. Worry less, love more and enjoy the moment.

 

[azstonie]

Lovedogs, I have PTSD from a lifetime with my personality-disordered parents. Pete Walker's book has really healed a lot of it for me. You might check him/it out. Fist bump to you as a fellow survivor.

 

[lovedogs]

Thanks, AZ, Callie, and Missy! You are all great women and very kind. I didn't mean to post something so sad, but I think as I work through the PTSD it's something I think about more often and it was kind of cathartic to "get it all out" at once. Hugs to all of you!

AZ: I'll definitely check that out, thanks!

 

[siamese3]

Love that quote siamese! And I completely agree about surrounding oneself with positive people. They don't always have to be cheerful and upbeat because I like real people and don't care for pollyannas but positivity is always a good thing. It makes a difference when your friends are supportive and help you see the bright side of things vs being always around negative nellies who bring you down. I tend to be on the pessimistic side myself but I am always positive and consider myself an optimistic pessimist. As well as an extroverted introvert. Yeah that's right. It's a real thing.

Funny. I always say that I am an extroverted introvert as well I don't think of myself as a pessimist, I think of myself as more of a realist. Which kind of sucks sometimes. Because "reality really does bite" sometimes!

 

[lyra]

Maybe I'm too old to imagine my life any other way than the way it is now? The big life events that shaped me would still be there: losing my dad when I was 23, my mom when I was 36 and my brother 7 years ago. There were so many things just decided for us by events that couldn't be changed. There's not a lot I can even think of that I could/might change. I wish we had better technology when my kids were young. I feel like we don't have enough pictures, and we have no video of them. There's that.

 

[cmd2014]

I'd buy less stuff, but of better quality. I'd buy a house sooner, rather than worrying about where I'd end up after grad school (we lost out on the last chance to buy before the market doubled the price of houses in my area, and ended spending 2.5x for the same house as we would have a year or two before). I'd hope to be more comfortable in my own skin, and waste less time worrying about people (and by this I mean men) liking me, and spend more time worrying about whether I like them. I'd try to stay thinner/exercise more earlier in life, and I'd get a jump on savings if I could. Other than that, not much.

 

[missy]

Funny. I always say that I am an extroverted introvert as well I don't think of myself as a pessimist, I think of myself as more of a realist. Which kind of sucks sometimes. Because "reality really does bite" sometimes!

Haha that is what I really am- a realist. It does sort of suck at times. Seeing the writing on the wall when you just really don't like what it says.
Seems like we have much in common siamese3. Both realists and extroverted introverts. it's not easy being us. At least that is what my dh says about me. That it isn't easy being me.

 

[missy]

I'd buy less stuff, but of better quality. I'd buy a house sooner, rather than worrying about where I'd end up after grad school (we lost out on the last chance to buy before the market doubled the price of houses in my area, and ended spending 2.5x for the same house as we would have a year or two before). I'd hope to be more comfortable in my own skin, and waste less time worrying about people (and by this I mean men) liking me, and spend more time worrying about whether I like them. I'd try to stay thinner/exercise more earlier in life, and I'd get a jump on savings if I could. Other than that, not much.

All great points cmd2014 and I think all things most of us wish we could have done better. Hindsight is always 20/20 and that's why I asked the question. I was curious with that added benefit of hindsight what some of us would have done differently.

Lyra wrote: Maybe I'm too old to imagine my life any other way than the way it is now? The big life events that shaped me would still be there: losing my dad when I was 23, my mom when I was 36 and my brother 7 years ago. There were so many things just decided for us by events that couldn't be changed. There's not a lot I can even think of that I could/might change. I wish we had better technology when my kids were young. I feel like we don't have enough pictures, and we have no video of them. There's that.

I am sorry for your losses Lyra. Losing loved ones is the hardest to bear and my heart goes out to you. LOL on the technology. When we were little (ages and ages ago) my parents took those black and white home slide movies (don't remember the term) and OMG I don't think those made it. They refused to transfer it to DVD. Very stubborn my parents. :/
I too wish we had more video and photos and I always loathed those and refused to be in videos and photos as an adult (till recently) and I regret that now.

 

[TooPatient]

I think about this often. I'm not sure I would change much. Most of what I would change was not entirely my choice.

The biggest thing I would change is understanding that I was not the one with issues from a far younger age. I spent many years (grades 1-12 essentially) in counseling and medicated for depression and anxiety. I thought there was something really wrong with me because my family said so and people at school said so. One great psychologist started the chain of realization when I was just out of high school. There was an accident that left me very upset (something hit the house when I was home alone and the window exploded into the room I was sitting in). I was so afraid even after knowing what happened, I crawled under the table to wait for morning because I couldn't be in bed. Even then I woke up screaming and shaking. So what did people in my family do? Sneak up behind me when I was alone in a room and shout "boo" or grab my shoulders. They got me in with a PTSD guy and he said that this was NOT normal and (other than being reasonably upset over a horrifying event), I was not depressed. Just living with mean people.

Another psychologist a few months later helped me realize that I could be happy. All I had to do was find what I wanted and make it happen.

If I could really understand that from a younger age, I think a lot of my issues now would not even be here.

My family made fun of me for being "fat" to the point where I looked in the mirror and saw myself as big rolls of fat. (5'3" and 140 pounds...) They called me "the fat cousin" but looking back at old pictures, I was similar in size (maybe a tad thinner) than all those who made fun of me. But they had me convinced so I never noticed as I gained weight. I went from a size 4 (I had lost a few pant sizes but never noticed that either) to a size 16 and never noticed a change in the rolls of fat staring at me from the mirror. If I had seen reality, I may not have gained 100+ pounds.

The depression, insecurity over weight, and constant teasing (again from family!) about how I'd be the old maid because no one would want me led to my getting involved with the first guy who said a flattering word. I was 13 when I had sex the first time because I thought he might be my only chance and I had to do anything to keep him happy.

You see how it all snowballs!

Yes, events have shaped my life and helped make me who I am. Not sure how much I would change, but I think I would like to understand those things.

 

[siamese3]

I think about this often. I'm not sure I would change much. Most of what I would change was not entirely my choice.

The biggest thing I would change is understanding that I was not the one with issues from a far younger age. I spent many years (grades 1-12 essentially) in counseling and medicated for depression and anxiety. I thought there was something really wrong with me because my family said so and people at school said so. One great psychologist started the chain of realization when I was just out of high school. There was an accident that left me very upset (something hit the house when I was home alone and the window exploded into the room I was sitting in). I was so afraid even after knowing what happened, I crawled under the table to wait for morning because I couldn't be in bed. Even then I woke up screaming and shaking. So what did people in my family do? Sneak up behind me when I was alone in a room and shout "boo" or grab my shoulders. They got me in with a PTSD guy and he said that this was NOT normal and (other than being reasonably upset over a horrifying event), I was not depressed. Just living with mean people.

Another psychologist a few months later helped me realize that I could be happy. All I had to do was find what I wanted and make it happen.

If I could really understand that from a younger age, I think a lot of my issues now would not even be here.

My family made fun of me for being "fat" to the point where I looked in the mirror and saw myself as big rolls of fat. (5'3" and 140 pounds...) They called me "the fat cousin" but looking back at old pictures, I was similar in size (maybe a tad thinner) than all those who made fun of me. But they had me convinced so I never noticed as I gained weight. I went from a size 4 (I had lost a few pant sizes but never noticed that either) to a size 16 and never noticed a change in the rolls of fat staring at me from the mirror. If I had seen reality, I may not have gained 100+ pounds.

The depression, insecurity over weight, and constant teasing (again from family!) about how I'd be the old maid because no one would want me led to my getting involved with the first guy who said a flattering word. I was 13 when I had sex the first time because I thought he might be my only chance and I had to do anything to keep him happy.

You see how it all snowballs!

Yes, events have shaped my life and helped make me who I am. Not sure how much I would change, but I think I would like to understand those things.

I am glad that you were able to find psychologists that were able to help you. Many people never do. Your comments about events shaping your life, and making you who you are, resonate with me. I love your point about understanding how those things that shaped, shaped you. At least, that's what I think you were saying. Self awareness has helped me immensely.. at least in helping me see what my motivations and reactions are "really" about.

 

[TooPatient]

I am glad that you were able to find psychologists that were able to help you. Many people never do. Your comments about events shaping your life, and making you who you are, resonate with me. I love your point about understanding how those things that shaped, shaped you. At least, that's what I think you were saying. Self awareness has helped me immensely.. at least in helping me see what my motivations and reactions are "really" about.

Yes! That and an earlier realization of how to view myself rather than listening to others and just blindly believing what they said.

 

[MJ_Mac]

Missy - What a sweet sentiment about your DH. That put a big smile on my face.
My avatar picture is of my sweet baby Lucy. She went to the Rainbow Bridge 4 years ago. She was the light of my life. I love my 3 girls dearly but I have to admit there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her terribly.

Lovedogs - Your story made me sad for you. Parents should be a source of comfort and support which unfortunately isn't always the case.

TooPatient - What a horrible traumatizing story. I'm horrified your family would do that to you knowing what you were going through. I get the feeling of insecurity about weight and constant digs. My stick thin sister who is much older than I am used to taunt me by calling me thunder thighs.

Siamese3 - Love the quote. It's so true. It's easy to second guess ourselves looking back. Non of us have a crystal ball (at least not accurate ones).

I too try not to get into the shoulda, woulda, coulda. I am very much the type of person that realizes I can't go back so I don't dwell on it. I have few regrets except for the one I mentioned here. But I also realize I'd be a different person and in a different place than I am now and maybe less compassionate and giving. I'm like a lot of people, I have baggage but that makes me who I am and hopefully a better person going forward.

 

[Strawberry129]

A lot of the things that I would want to change shaped me into who I am today, so I can only go forward from now with what it's taught me...

I wished that I didn't loan money to my family members when I was in my teenage years (thousands btw). There's something wrong with their finances if they had to borrow money from a teenager and I was stupid and naive to not know any better. They took advantage of my stupidity and it left a bad taste in my mouth afterwards regarding certain family members. I can't 'get over it,' but it's also helped me to not mix family and finances together. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

I wished with all my heart that I could have gone on that vacation to Canary Islands, Spain with my fiance and his father. A few weeks before the trip, I was a real b**** and complaining how "would his dad interrupt our vacation fun" and we would be limited to certain activities, food, etc of what his dad likes. Guess what? My fiance's father died from a motorcycle accident a few weeks before the trip. Thankfully, his dad never knew what I was thinking, but the guilt and loss was eating me up. I would do anything to have his dad back since he was such a genuine and good person...I just wish that I didn't let all my pettyness get to me. I regret it so much everyday and wish that we still had that chance, but he's gone forever now.... :'( Now, I can only go forward and try to be less petty about the 'small things in life.'

I was teased by my family (mainly sisters) about being the chubby one since I am the youngest and easy to pick on I guess. Talk about evil sisters. Guess what? One sister married a freeloader and the other one is bigger than me now. I remember how I had braces and they commented how I should have spent that money on liposuction instead. I wasn't even nearly fat enough to qualify for liposuction! Both of them don't have ideal lives and they seem miserable to me now. Needless to say, I only see both sparingly and I'm much happier with my life. I'll rather have less company than bad company.