I guess I would try not to hang on to things that people did to hurt me. I would try to be a better listener and understand that you don't always know what someone's motivation is. I would also be better at pleasing myself than pleasing others, at my expense. One of my favorite quotes is from soren kierkegarrd, and I think it's pretty true:
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
Edited to say, I would have surrounded myself with more positive people
Loves Dogs, Your post made me want to cry. I know from your postings that you have a happy life now but it makes me sad that you ever went thru these things. I'm so glad things are good In your life now and that you have a wonderful husband. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you but you are one of my favorite people here and I think you are a wonderful woman! If you ever doubt yourself, please come talk to me!
I try really hard not to get suckered in to shoulda, coulda, woulda thoughts but one thing that keeps popping in to my head these days is I sure wish I'd spent more time with my parents.
As Jambalaya said the things we've experienced made us what we are today; the best I think any of us can do is move forward and try to always do the best for ourselves, our family and friends and be kind and decent people.
I would have been more aware that time passes--nothing is forever--and it's the one thing, with family, friends, children, that you can never get back. I would have tried to worry less, be more decisive and more in the moment. That said, I don't have many complaints.
Oh, and I would seriously re-think the decision not to jump off the deep end into a few years of uncertainty by buying the penthouse apartment in our upper west side building - U shaped, views on three sides, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, full dining room, massive eat in kitchen - because at the time we thought $500,000 was outrageously out of reach.
Funny. I always say that I am an extroverted introvert as well I don't think of myself as a pessimist, I think of myself as more of a realist. Which kind of sucks sometimes. Because "reality really does bite" sometimes!Love that quote siamese! And I completely agree about surrounding oneself with positive people. They don't always have to be cheerful and upbeat because I like real people and don't care for pollyannas but positivity is always a good thing. It makes a difference when your friends are supportive and help you see the bright side of things vs being always around negative nellies who bring you down. I tend to be on the pessimistic side myself but I am always positive and consider myself an optimistic pessimist. As well as an extroverted introvert. Yeah that's right. It's a real thing.
Funny. I always say that I am an extroverted introvert as well I don't think of myself as a pessimist, I think of myself as more of a realist. Which kind of sucks sometimes. Because "reality really does bite" sometimes!
I'd buy less stuff, but of better quality. I'd buy a house sooner, rather than worrying about where I'd end up after grad school (we lost out on the last chance to buy before the market doubled the price of houses in my area, and ended spending 2.5x for the same house as we would have a year or two before). I'd hope to be more comfortable in my own skin, and waste less time worrying about people (and by this I mean men) liking me, and spend more time worrying about whether I like them. I'd try to stay thinner/exercise more earlier in life, and I'd get a jump on savings if I could. Other than that, not much.
Lyra wrote: Maybe I'm too old to imagine my life any other way than the way it is now? The big life events that shaped me would still be there: losing my dad when I was 23, my mom when I was 36 and my brother 7 years ago. There were so many things just decided for us by events that couldn't be changed. There's not a lot I can even think of that I could/might change. I wish we had better technology when my kids were young. I feel like we don't have enough pictures, and we have no video of them. There's that.
I think about this often. I'm not sure I would change much. Most of what I would change was not entirely my choice.
The biggest thing I would change is understanding that I was not the one with issues from a far younger age. I spent many years (grades 1-12 essentially) in counseling and medicated for depression and anxiety. I thought there was something really wrong with me because my family said so and people at school said so. One great psychologist started the chain of realization when I was just out of high school. There was an accident that left me very upset (something hit the house when I was home alone and the window exploded into the room I was sitting in). I was so afraid even after knowing what happened, I crawled under the table to wait for morning because I couldn't be in bed. Even then I woke up screaming and shaking. So what did people in my family do? Sneak up behind me when I was alone in a room and shout "boo" or grab my shoulders. They got me in with a PTSD guy and he said that this was NOT normal and (other than being reasonably upset over a horrifying event), I was not depressed. Just living with mean people.
Another psychologist a few months later helped me realize that I could be happy. All I had to do was find what I wanted and make it happen.
If I could really understand that from a younger age, I think a lot of my issues now would not even be here.
My family made fun of me for being "fat" to the point where I looked in the mirror and saw myself as big rolls of fat. (5'3" and 140 pounds...) They called me "the fat cousin" but looking back at old pictures, I was similar in size (maybe a tad thinner) than all those who made fun of me. But they had me convinced so I never noticed as I gained weight. I went from a size 4 (I had lost a few pant sizes but never noticed that either) to a size 16 and never noticed a change in the rolls of fat staring at me from the mirror. If I had seen reality, I may not have gained 100+ pounds.
The depression, insecurity over weight, and constant teasing (again from family!) about how I'd be the old maid because no one would want me led to my getting involved with the first guy who said a flattering word. I was 13 when I had sex the first time because I thought he might be my only chance and I had to do anything to keep him happy.
You see how it all snowballs!
Yes, events have shaped my life and helped make me who I am. Not sure how much I would change, but I think I would like to understand those things.
I am glad that you were able to find psychologists that were able to help you. Many people never do. Your comments about events shaping your life, and making you who you are, resonate with me. I love your point about understanding how those things that shaped, shaped you. At least, that's what I think you were saying. Self awareness has helped me immensely.. at least in helping me see what my motivations and reactions are "really" about.