I think I need an anniversary reality check

[DearBuddha]

Hi, ladies. I have an anniversary situation that I need some advice on, and it''s in regard to the present my DH is planning on giving me.

Making a long story very short: my DH is a software engineer and into all things techy. I''m super tech inept, and even that''s an understatement. He gets excited by all things with an on-off button, and I could honestly care less. As you can imagine, my cavalier attitude towards electronics drives him nuts; he''s always trying to convert me from purses to computers.

Our 1st anniversary is this weekened, and for a long time I had no clue what to get him. I employed his friends to spy on him and report back to me anything he mentioned wanting. I finally got a hit when my DH started talking about buying himself a new and fancy ergonomic keyboard and mouse, as well as some new backup drive for his Mac Book Pro. His friends reinforced how much DH wanted these things. The keyboard and mouse I could handle, so I snuck around and purchased it; as for the back up drive, I got him a giftcard to Best Buy so he could pick out the specific drive he wanted. I also got him a few Michael Kors shirts because he''s been wanting to update his wardrobe.

Here''s where things get tricky, and I''m not sure if I should just shut my mouth and be grateful, or be honest with him about how I feel.

He keeps dropping hints about my gift; how it fascinated the guys in his office, how he''s so excited to give it to me, how I can take it anywhere with me.

DH''s best friend and his wife recently celebrated their 1st anniversary; he got motorcycle gear, and she got a new Louis Vuitton wallet. While we were out to dinner one night, DH''s best friend mentioned the insane sale going on at Saks (he had just been anniversary shopping for his wife), and as DH knows I have a weakness for Fendi (even though I do not own any Fendi), told DH to check it out.

I didn''t want to be presumptous and feel greedy, so I tried not to get too excited at the thought that DH was considering Fendi, so I just brushed it off. Until he started dropping hints about men being amused by it and me being able to carry it with me.

Then a few days ago a package from Amazon showed up on our front porch. DH brought it in and wrapped it immediately, then showed it to me. It''s very thin, rectangular, and heavy. I could tell it wasn''t a bag box, but the shape and size confused me.

Well, I was just on Amazon checking the status of a gift I''ve ordered for me mother, and all of a sudden it hit me: my husband bought me a kindle.

The problem: I like reading well enough, but I NEVER have time to read. I''m a preschoool teacher in a year long school; I work eight hours a day at school, and spend another two hours a day in office hours having meetings and doing paperwork. I''ve been working on a NAEYC portfolio for half a year, which usually means I''m bringing standards and files home with me to complete. By the time my day is done, if I can make it through a shower without falling asleep, it''s a personal victory. I''ve read maybe four books since our honeymoon last year.

I had mentioned once that kindles are neat a little while ago; it''s one of the only tech devices I''ve commented on, and it excited him to no end. But it''s certainly not something I would want or anticipate as an anniversary present.

I''m really upset about it; and I''m not sure if I''m upset because I know I''m being selfish by wanting something else, or if it''s because I feel like my husband didn''t really consider how I''d feel about my gift. Does that make sense? I was hoping for a gift I''d love to show off; not something I have to baby and teach myself to use, especially when I know I''ll hardly use it.

I need to know if I''m being a little witch about the situation. I know he means well by trying to give me something I showed interest in a while ago, but a kindle is hardly what I''m want right now. It would make a neat birthday or Christmas present, but I really put a lot of thought and effort into his anniversary present, and I really don''t feel he did.

Please tell me what your thoughts are. Thanks.

 

[vespergirl]

Well, I feel bad for you because you''re disappointed, and I do know what that''s like - it''s an awful predicament because you don''t want to look (or feel) disappointed about a gift that you know your DH put a lot of thought and cash into, but it''s tough when you had your heart set on something else.

We had a situation like this the first Valentine''s Day after we got married - I wasn''t expecting anything super fancy, but I thought that V day was for more romantic gifts - so I thought he would get me some perfume or something. However, he got me an iPod. I had maybe made an offhand comment once about thinking they were cool, but I''m of the CD generation, and never thought that I would get the hang of downloading music, or really enjoy the gift. Well, I''m glad that I gave it a chance, because now, 2 years later, I really love my iPod, and don''t listen to CDs anymore - it turned out that I enjoy it far more than I thought I would.

So, give the Kindle a chance. You may end up really liking it.

However, for future gift occasions, you may want to send really obvious hints. I started doing this a couple of years into my marriage, and DH is a good sport so he thinks it''s amusing, and it really takes all the work out of gift buying for him. For example, my bday is coming up in August. A few weeks ago, when he mentioned my bday trip (we usually go away for the weekend) I asked him if he had a special gift planned. When he said that he hadn''t thought about it yet, I said, "Well, if you don''t have any ideas, there''s this Michael Kors handbag I''ve had my eye on." Then I send him a link to the website via email. Maybe it takes the romance out of it, but he doesn''t mind because he knows he''s giving me something I really want. I know that''s not for everyone, but several years into a relationship, it works for us. We don''t do this for every gift occasion, but maybe once a year we''ll ask for something if we really have our eye on something.

 

[Pandora II]

First - congratulations on your wedding anniversary! It''s mine & DH''s first this weekend as well.

Since DH has bought me the ultimate in romantic gifts for my birthday in August ... telephones... as our current ones are now defunct. Okay, they are incredibly high-tech sparkly (not diamonds though

) telephones - but they are still appliances

, I pre-empted the anniversary gift: first anniversary is paper, so we are going to buy a print or painting together for our house.

I totally understand the not getting what you really wanted, but I''m not sure that you can do anything about it. He definitely seems to have put thought and effort in (ie he didn''t run out armed with credit card the day before) only along his line of thinking rather than yours. I think this year you just have to grin and bear it - and then drop mega-hints next year.

Just think, it could be FAR worse... my father bought my mother a new vaccum cleaner for one of their anniversaries!

Mind you, is that worse than my birthday telephones?

 

[Dannielle]

Congratulations on your anniversary

I understand why you would be slightly disappointed, thinking you were getting Fendi and then discovering that you are getting a techy gift that you won''t really get much use out of.. I would somehow bring up how you are excited about everyone seeing your anniversary gift, and then maybe ask if you will need to buy a new matching wallet.. He might still have time to go get the bag

 

[DearBuddha]

Thanks, ladies; I appreciate the input. Trying to convey how I feel is very, very hard. I don''t want to look ungrateful, because truly, I''m not. I''m simultaneously disappointed and ashamed of feeling this way.

Originally, our plan was to upgrade our wedding bands. Mine was a hasty purchase and totally not my style, but because we were going to Europe for our honeymoon, we decided the extra cash would be better, and we''d just upgarde to something more my taste for our 1st anniversary. Obviously, that plan fell through and we haven''t even considered upgrading rings as an idea, and I''ve been totally ok with that, despite my not being in love my wedding ring.

And it''s not even that he bought me a Kindle as a gift, instead of something I would have preferred. Any other time, I''d be fine with receiving one. But for our anniversary, I was hoping for something that would mean something to me, or show that my husband understands my interests and likes.

I just had it in my head that for our first anniversary, we''d do, give, or plan something we both really wanted. We''re going to Newport, RI for the weekend, which I''m really excited for. In all honesty, I''d rather just have that time alone with him than receive a gift I have to pretend I''m happy to get. Somehow, in my mind, having to pretend I love my gift is almost going to take away from what this weekend is supposed to mean to us. Forcing an emotion I don''t really feel is to belittle what our anniversary should be about: being happy to have each other and enjoying what we can provide or give the other.

I''m far from a selfish or greedy person; I''ve been given some horrendous gifts in my life, and I''ve grinned and bared it (my grandmother actually gave me bright blue turquoise whale tail earrings to wear on my wedding day; trust me, I can fake gratitude).

I just really wanted to LOVE my first anniversary gift. It could have been a Hershey bar as far as I''m concerned. At least I''d feel like it was something I wanted and could enjoy, you know?

 

[DearBuddha]

Date: 7/24/2009 11:28:34 AM
Author: Pandora II


Just think, it could be FAR worse... my father bought my mother a new vaccum cleaner for one of their anniversaries!

Mind you, is that worse than my birthday telephones?

Oh, Pandora-how I understand, haha.

Granted, my father completely forgot my parents'' 1st anniversary, so I suppose I should be thankful that DH got the date right!

 

[Haven]

I think you''re being ungrateful.

It sounds like your husband misinterpreted the interest you showed in the Kindle to mean that you want one. This shows that a) he was paying attention, and b) he is trying to get you something you will appreciate.

I''m a firm believer that gifts should be given to make the recipient happy and not the giver, but in this case I think your husband is honestly trying to give you something that he believes you want.

It sounds like you really wanted him to do something to wow you for your anniversary, since you said that you wouldn''t mind this gift for a holiday or birthday. Does your husband know this? I think sometimes people don''t really let their spouse know about their expectations, so then they just set themselves up to be disappointed.

Or maybe I just don''t understand the big deal about presents, anyway. My husband and I exchange handwritten letters for every birthday, anniversary, and holiday. We decided years ago that those were much more important than gifts, anyway.

 

[sbde]

haven, is it odd that i always find myself agreeing with you?

dearbuddha, i really feel like we put too much pressure on our men. we don''t TELL them what we want, but expect them to read our minds and figure it out anyways. and when they don''t, we get upset. i don''t think you''re being ungrateful, i just think you''re being a bit unreasonable.

if things like this matter so much to you, maybe just let your DH know what you want next time, or give him a few options you''re interested in and let him pick out which one to get. i really think he''d appreciate your input, and you would end up getting something that you want too!

congrats on your anniversary btw - hope you guys have a wonderful time celebrating!

 

[movie zombie]

i didn''t read the responses but let me say this: my hubby is an ultra computer geek and anything techie. i am not and am strictly a user. he loves getting me techie type gifts but has learned that what thrills him to give me doesn''t always thrill me to receive. we''ve been married 5 years now. but from the get go i made sure he understood that techie gifts for special occassions are not appropriate unless i''ve specifically said that''s what i want.

mz

 

[princesss]

I think from your second post this is really just an issue with communicating what you wanted out of this. I know sometimes I get an idea in my head that something is going to happen that's super romantic, or that something should go a certain way, and I forget that I haven't told BF what I expect/want/need. So then I'm disappointed and he's upset and nothing good comes out of it.

What about a combination for this anniversary? Accept the Kindle and smile, but perhaps now is the time to suggest doing something like what Haven does. What about suggesting writing letters to each other about what the last year of marriage has meant to each of you, and exchanging those? No gift is going to be able to convey those emotions (what says "I love and value you" more, a purse or a letter?) but then you'll have something super romantic that you can reread. Maybe your DH isn't a writer, but I'm sure if he knows how important it is to you, he'll make an effort. That way he gets to give you something he's excited about that he thought hard and picked out for you, and you get something romantic and special.

 

[steph72276]

I actually think it's a really sweet gift because it showed that he took your offhand comment about thinking it was neat and remembered it when it became gift time so that he could get you something you would like. I've learned in almost 7 years of marriage that men don't usually get our hints. I pretty much tell him what I would really like to have...it works out great!

ETA: For our anniversaries, we always take a long weekend getaway somewhere. It is really cool to do something together and have those memories rather than have a gadget or something that you will forget in a year or so.

 

[tlh]

Congrats on your ann!!! I think my husband is like yours. He likes things with an on off switch. So while gadet gift make him happy, they bore me. Our first Christmas together he got me a sonicare toothbrush. Now I actually did want a new toothbrush, and had been looking.. but it was something I intended to buy myself. Me I like gifts that don''t serve a purpose. A pretty necklace, or a trip somewhere. I don''t want a "functional" or "practical" gift I want a "frivolous" one. We still laugh about the toothbrush, and always will. I joke now, and say, no toothbrushes, right? to which he replies, no, not this year.

My mom after years of marriage, got a heater-gravy boat thing, one year for Christmas. My dad is the WORST gift giver ever. I could list all the horrible gifts, that he thought were awesome. But they all have one thing in common. They are FUNCTIONAL. My mom has this antique gravy boat that she loves to use whenever company comes. It is GORGOUES, and she loves it. My dad thought the gravy boat stunk because it didn''t keep the gravy warm... so voila the metal- steel heater gravy boat. IT IS HORRIBLELY UGLY. Doesn''t match the fine china. Sure it keeps the gravy warm...but that wasn''t what the gravy boat was all about.

It was like when he bought my mother a magnifying mirror for my mom''s 45th birthday. Yeah, to replace her old magnifying mirror, with a new much prettier one. You know, it was pretty, nice lines, and very nice to look at. He just didn''t get that the last thing a woman wants to do on her 45th birthday is replace a 3x magnifying mirror with a 10x one. Yeah, that makes you feel pretty. YEARS AND YEARS later and he still hasn''t figured out the trick... make the woman feel pretty. It doesn''t matter if the gift itself is pretty. So basically I email my dad what to buy my mom. I just say... BUY MOM THIS. She''ll be THRILLED. But he still thinks she is thrilled with the ugly gravy boat.

Why.... because she never said WHY SHE LOVED THE OLD ONE. Because she didn''t want to hurt his feelings. Me, I take my own approach, it was OBVIOUS when I opened up the toothbrush, wondering what our first christmas gifts together would be... and getting that. ONLY THAT. But afterwards we talked about it. Not right away. i think it was when I wasn''t using it, I was still using the old one, when he thought I wanted it. It wasn''t the gift itself... it was just that I felt he didn''t get me... which stunk. So now, instead of expecting him to read my mind... I just tell him... MORE ENTUSIASTICALLY THAN I CAN MUSTER ABOUT OTHER THINGS... what I like, and what I dont.

Enjoy the kindle. You are getting the practical AND the frivoulous. Hold close the memories of the trip... and take lots of pictures... and print them off. It is THE PAPER ANN... so the kindle is actually quite clever.. in that it is an electronic.. BOOK.

 

[upgrade]

Please let me save you a lot of greif in your marriage by telling you this: men don't think the way women think. It's not that they don't love us just as much, it's just that their brains work in a different way and what they think is special and important is often not what we think is special and important. And most men don't get hints. I learned this early on in my marriage when, one Christmas, I spent a lot of money and a TON of effort on getting my dh something *really* special and unexpected- it's something that 10 years later he still treasures just as much, and something that he had been trying unsuccessfully to get himself for many years. I wowed him. And he got me a pair of pants off the Christmas list I had given to my mother. I had been dropping hints that I really wanted a camera for our upcoming trip, but he didn't notice my hints- not because he was being insensitive but because he's a GUY. When I finally told him how hurt I was he felt awful- he thought I really wanted the pants. He ended up getting me the camera because he really wanted to give me something that made me happy, but I learned a very important lesson that has made my marraige fantastic. If I want something, I tell him. I don't hint or play coy or hope he can read my mind- I say something like "this upcoming anniversary is really special to me and I'd like for our gifts to eachother to reflect that" and then I email him a few links to things that I want or I flat out tell him "I'd really like a ____." Not as romantic as him reading my mind and coming up with it all on his own, but it really does make me feel special when I open my present and find that he got me exactly what I wanted. I love knowing that he really wants to make me happy by getting what I really want most. On occassion he does manage to go through a friend and surprise me, but I have learned not to expect that. And like Haven, we don't exchange gifts for most occassions now, but I've told him that what I really want most is a card with a heartfelt message from him. And I get it, for every single occassion. Men want to make us happy- they just need a little help figuring out how sometimes.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want (in a kind way, of course). As long as it isn't over the top expensive or otherwise difficult, you'll likely find that if you can just point him in the right direction, you'll get it!

 

[upgrade]

Date: 7/24/2009 12:59:40 PM
Author: princesss
I think from your second post this is really just an issue with communicating what you wanted out of this. I know sometimes I get an idea in my head that something is going to happen that''s super romantic, or that something should go a certain way, and I forget that I haven''t told BF what I expect/want/need. So then I''m disappointed and he''s upset and nothing good comes out of it.

What about a combination for this anniversary? Accept the Kindle and smile, but perhaps now is the time to suggest doing something like what Haven does. What about suggesting writing letters to each other about what the last year of marriage has meant to each of you, and exchanging those? No gift is going to be able to convey those emotions (what says ''I love and value you'' more, a purse or a letter?) but then you''ll have something super romantic that you can reread. Maybe your DH isn''t a writer, but I''m sure if he knows how important it is to you, he''ll make an effort. That way he gets to give you something he''s excited about that he thought hard and picked out for you, and you get something romantic and special.

Exactly what I was trying to say- but you said it better!

 

[DearBuddha]

I think my problem with this all stems from the fact that normally, DH is an exceptional gift giver (and most tend to veer on the personal side). In the ten years we''ve been together (we''re high school sweethearts), he''s never given me present I''ve hated. Not once. 10 years is a very decent amount of time to make a mistake, but as it''s never happened, this one time is hard to swallow.

Yes, I like books and I enjoy reading, so I understand how he connected the dots. But ultimately, if I really desired a Kindle, I''d buy one myself, and he knows that. I suppose selfishly I was expecting something a little more frivolous and a little less practical.

Our friends who just celebrated their anniversary actually keep Excel spreadsheets listing all the things they want for gifts from each other. In the past, DH and I have actually joked about how impersonal and self-serving that strikes us, but I suppose now I can see how it makes sense. My friend sets high expectations for her husband, and a spreadsheet is the only way he really knows whether the gift is going to fly.

I''ve never been one to complain about a gift to the giver; I find it very hard and awkward to do, no matter how awful the gift. So I just smile and say thank you, which is what I know I''ll do tomorrow when we exchange gifts.

 

[Circe]

Oy, DB - I know where you''re coming from. The social pressure to express gratitude for gifts, any gifts, is very strong, else you run the risk of being seen as ungrateful or grasping, hence the stupid phrase, "It''s the thought that counts!" Well, if it''s the thought that counts, people should actually *think* more often!

I don''t mean your husband with that one: I think he was trying, he just went ... astray a bit. Example: I''m a folklorist and a jeweler, my husband is a techie who hates stuff and flies for work a lot. For a wedding present, I got him a 2000 year old coin featuring the great god Pan and the sentiment that our love should last as long, and he got me a fairy bride doll, on the principle that I studied fairies and was getting married. For the next big gift occasion, I got him a damascus steel folding knife like he''d admired on our honeymoon and he got me another fairy-themed thing. Eventually, we *had* to have the talk - we hated one another''s gifts! He needed stuff he could actually, you know, use (not so much with incorporating the coin into a keepsake as I''d planned, since he didn''t want to carry too much crap around with him, and not so much with the knife that would never make it through security), and me ... well, I study fairy tales, and I would have been thrilled with a spinning wheel, a mirror, a cool glass shoe, anything *out* of a fairy tale, but twee little figures with wings? Ecch. So we both felt like ungrateful prats, but at the end of the day, it''s saved us a lot of hurt feelings.

I ... kind of think you need to have The Talk with him. Not immediately, not like, you rip the paper off, make a face, and shout "THIS is what you think of me!!!" but soon thereafter ... in a way that acknowledges that you know he tried, but he needs to put himself in your shoes more than he has been, like you tried to with his gift. Otherwise, a lifetime of O. Henry-esque holidays await. You''re not being a witch at all - it''s just a normal part of marriage, and getting to know one another, and learning to accommodate one another''s expectations.

 

[Circe]

Date: 7/24/2009 1:25:29 PM
Author: tlh
Congrats on your ann!!! I think my husband is like yours. He likes things with an on off switch. So while gadet gift make him happy, they bore me. Our first Christmas together he got me a sonicare toothbrush. Now I actually did want a new toothbrush, and had been looking.. but it was something I intended to buy myself. Me I like gifts that don''t serve a purpose. A pretty necklace, or a trip somewhere. I don''t want a ''functional'' or ''practical'' gift I want a ''frivolous'' one. We still laugh about the toothbrush, and always will. I joke now, and say, no toothbrushes, right? to which he replies, no, not this year.


My mom after years of marriage, got a heater-gravy boat thing, one year for Christmas. My dad is the WORST gift giver ever. I could list all the horrible gifts, that he thought were awesome. But they all have one thing in common. They are FUNCTIONAL. My mom has this antique gravy boat that she loves to use whenever company comes. It is GORGOUES, and she loves it. My dad thought the gravy boat stunk because it didn''t keep the gravy warm... so voila the metal- steel heater gravy boat. IT IS HORRIBLELY UGLY. Doesn''t match the fine china. Sure it keeps the gravy warm...but that wasn''t what the gravy boat was all about.


It was like when he bought my mother a magnifying mirror for my mom''s 45th birthday. Yeah, to replace her old magnifying mirror, with a new much prettier one. You know, it was pretty, nice lines, and very nice to look at. He just didn''t get that the last thing a woman wants to do on her 45th birthday is replace a 3x magnifying mirror with a 10x one. Yeah, that makes you feel pretty. YEARS AND YEARS later and he still hasn''t figured out the trick... make the woman feel pretty. It doesn''t matter if the gift itself is pretty. So basically I email my dad what to buy my mom. I just say... BUY MOM THIS. She''ll be THRILLED. But he still thinks she is thrilled with the ugly gravy boat.


Why.... because she never said WHY SHE LOVED THE OLD ONE. Because she didn''t want to hurt his feelings. Me, I take my own approach, it was OBVIOUS when I opened up the toothbrush, wondering what our first christmas gifts together would be... and getting that. ONLY THAT. But afterwards we talked about it. Not right away. i think it was when I wasn''t using it, I was still using the old one, when he thought I wanted it. It wasn''t the gift itself... it was just that I felt he didn''t get me... which stunk. So now, instead of expecting him to read my mind... I just tell him... MORE ENTUSIASTICALLY THAN I CAN MUSTER ABOUT OTHER THINGS... what I like, and what I dont.


Enjoy the kindle. You are getting the practical AND the frivoulous. Hold close the memories of the trip... and take lots of pictures... and print them off. It is THE PAPER ANN... so the kindle is actually quite clever.. in that it is an electronic.. BOOK.

I left my window open for, like, an hour while I was composing my reply and missed this - TLH, genius!

 

[decodelighted]

You say this:

Date: 7/24/2009 1:57:58 PM
Author: DearBuddha
I think my problem with this all stems from the fact that normally, DH is an exceptional gift giver (and most tend to veer on the personal side). In the ten years we''ve been together (we''re high school sweethearts), he''s never given me present I''ve hated.

But then you also claim that you just wanted your husband to "show how much he knows you" by picking out something you''ll love.

Which is it? Why does he have to *keep* proving he KNOWS you? Isn''t he allowed to make a wrong choice ONE TIME? I mean GEEZ. Is there something else going on here because I don''t think its realistic to expect to love every present (no matter how important the occasion) if you don''t pick it out YOURSELF.

You''re disappointed. I get it. You feel kinda guilty because you know its bratty. Get that too. I say: get over it.

He''s not perfect & neither are you. He got suckered into a toy instead of reading your *true* mind/heart/desires and you got suckered into unrealistic romantic expectations & subsequent pouting.

Perfect match, no?

Happy early anniversary! I recommend negotiating big gifts in advance -- that''s what we do o''re here! Not so super uber romanticalicious but practical for tight budgets & picky tastes! The stuff of REAL LIFE!

 

[Camille]

Date: 7/24/2009 12:33:10 PM
Author: sbde
haven, is it odd that i always find myself agreeing with you?

dearbuddha, i really feel like we put too much pressure on our men. we don't TELL them what we want, but expect them to read our minds and figure it out anyways. and when they don't, we get upset. i don't think you're being ungrateful, i just think you're being a bit unreasonable.

if things like this matter so much to you, maybe just let your DH know what you want next time, or give him a few options you're interested in and let him pick out which one to get. i really think he'd appreciate your input, and you would end up getting something that you want too!

congrats on your anniversary btw - hope you guys have a wonderful time celebrating!

Ditto, and also Haven's post, we need to spell wants to men because they can't understand nor catch things on the air. Congrats on your anniversary

 

[lucyandroger]

TEN years with no gift mistakes - cut the guy some slack! It''s not like it''s a completely impersonal gift as you''ve pointed out all the things that would make him think you''d love it.

You said that if you''d wanted the kindle, you''d have bought it yourself. Well, go get yourself that Fendi! Once, you''re over the disappointment of not having the Fendi, maybe you''ll feel better about the whole situation.

Happy Anniversary!

 

[tlh]

Date: 7/24/2009 2:33:22 PM
Author: Circe

I left my window open for, like, an hour while I was composing my reply and missed this - TLH, genius!

Thanks!

and lucy and roger...

rock on!

 

[QueenB29]

Your post made me smile. It reminds me of my husband''s gift last Christmas (our first as a married couple). I usually pick out my presents, but I told him I wanted to be surprised. He told me he was going to get me something for the house that I have been talking about wanting for a long time. I thought it was a Kitchenaid Mixer. Well, the box was extremely long and flat, definitely not a mixer. The only thing I could think it might be was a towel warmer, which I had mentioned wanting someday. I also said there was no room for it in our tiny bathroom.

About a week before Xmas he was making me guess what it might be, and I was like, ''Well, I thought it was going to be my Kitchenaid Mixer, but there''s no way it can be that. The only thing I can think would be in that size box is a towel warmer, and I know you wouldn''t get me one of those because we don''t have room for one." I hoped he would get the hint and return it, but no.

So the day before Christmas, he and my dad go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and come back with a large box. I open them both the next day, and I got a towel warmer AND a Kitchenaid mixer. A BLACK Kitchenaid mixer and my kitchen colors are pale blue and yellow. He decided that instead of ordering the color he knew I wanted (light blue) he decided to get the black one so I could just return it. And he used one of the 20% off coupons, which I can''t use online. I returned it and got a gift card, but it''s for like $50 less than the mixers online. I still have the gift card, and the towel warmer is squeezed into our bathroom. We can''t even open one of the doors.

A week later, on New Year''s Eve, DH gave me a pair of .5 ctw princess-cut diamond studs.

He knew that he had screwed up BADLY (and I didn''t even yell at him).

Husbands. Men.

P.S. Happy Anniversary!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/24/2009 1:57:58 PM
Author: DearBuddha
ultimately, if I really desired a Kindle, I''d buy one myself, and he knows that. I suppose selfishly I was expecting something a little more frivolous and a little less practical.

C''mon now. Don''t you think if he really wanted an ergonomic keyboard & more memory & a couple of new shirts *he* could buy those himself just as easily? Talk about practical & non-frivolous. Cuts both ways missy.

You even say the Kindle would be a good birthday or Xmas gift ... just not Anny because you want to "show something off". Won''t you feel the same way about those other times, honestly? And how''s he supposed to know that for your anniversary you want something more frivolous than *other holiday''s gifts*?

I think its a learning curve. This *IS* why people make spreadsheets & clue each other in. In a marriage you just don''t have the time or $$ to go around making each others wildest fantasies come true all the time. It would be exhausting and ultimately frustrating/hollow because people can''t read each other''s minds.

 

[packrat]

I put a lot of thought into the gifts I tell my husband to buy me.

''Course even when I have things bookmarked and specifically show him and say "It''s THIS one" doesn''t always mean that''s what I''ll get, as I found out this past Christmas. But, he tried-this New Year''s we''ll have been together 10 years, so that''s a pretty good run, I think.

I''d accept the Kindle graciously, and use it when you can. Or, if there''s a return policy, maybe mention to him that you still haven''t used it (after a certain length of time) and are concerned, being so busy, that it would be a waste of money, so would it be ok to send it back and get a certain Fendi bag b/c you''d use that all the time?

Happy Anniversary, by the way!!

 

[Mara]

From someone who has been married for 5 years and with her guy for almost 10 years, don't put too much importance on an anniversary gift. You will have a lot of them and yes it's the first one, but quite frankly I cannot even remember what my first anniversary gift was from my husband. The years all start to blur together, NOT in a bad way, but things like gifts to me just are not as important as they used to be when I was younger. Mostly because I can buy myself whatever I want now, as can he...but my husband is extremely practical and is romantic in small ways but not 'gift' ways. He would never take a small hint or someone going 'you should check this sale out' and I would never expect him to remember I like some purse brand. I have to hit him over the head with what I want and then I *might* get it. And if not I just buy it anyway.

I have gotten TRASH CANS as gifts from him. Granted it was some super cool stainless steel one for the kitchen and yes I loved it, but still, a trash can. Egg timers. Kitchen utensils. A pan warmer. BUT he also leaves me cutouts from his WSJ around the house of little articles or funny tidbits he thinks I will like. And gives me incredibly sappy anniversary and christmas cards. Gifts are not as important anymore. I bought him a wine fridge for his bday and had it delivered in June and his bday isn't even til August. I was like You really want one? Ok this is your gift! Enjoy.

I guess my point is that... yes it sounds like you had something in mind for your anniversary gift. And yes you put a lot of thought into his. But don't expect him to read your mind...and don't put too much importance on a material item, because trust me later you will be hard pressed to remember it, except maybe to go 'omg remember that year you got me X'. And in the future, if you really DO want something, make sure he knows what it is 1000 times over. Good luck!

 

[packrat]

Re: spreadsheets and such

Our 2nd married Christmas, our daughter was not quite a month old..it had been a smidge busy here, so we didn''t have time to be all stealthy and ninja like in our present selection. We went to the mall, and I took paper and pen in hand. We each picked out things we wanted and kept track of the prices until we hit the designated amount of $ for each of us. My MIL was absolutely horrified by this. But you know, it was fun, and it didn''t take any of the meaning out of it. It did take the pressure off each other, and while it wasn''t exactly the most romantic way to buy for each other, we''ve got our whole lives to be romantic and surprise each other with our thoughtfulness.

Don''t let this one gift derail you-it might not be the specific thing you''ve been hoping for, but he''s got a lot more anniversaries to improve!

 

[whitby_2773]

at the risk of sounding like scrooge...i think we spend altogether too much on gifts and put people under way too much pressure to give. you'd have to be talking around a thousand bucks here including the weekend away and eating out, and that's a lot of money. imagine you're married 50 years. take that $1k every year, invest it at 3%, and in 50 years you'll change your standard of living in your old age. it obviously wouldn't be enough to live off, but it COULD put an extra $100+ in your pocket every week till you die. or it could allow you to retire a couple of years earlier and spend that time together. it's options.

tim and i go out for lunch, he buys me flowers and i make him breakfast in bed. we do dito for valentine's day. he always has those days off work and we exchange cards. birthdays are different - they're the big 'spoil' day, and Christmas is somewhere in the middle. this year is our 25th anniversary and granted, we're going all out this year. but not on our 10th, or our 20th - and not on our 26th either. maybe again on our 50th.

as far as your gift goes, all i can say is that what he gives you for your first anniversary won't be what he gives you for your 20th. it's a learning curve, and if he loves you, i ASSURE you, he'll improve (tho i did note that you said this was his first foul up - lucky you!). you continue to learn about each other your entire lives, and he doesn't know as much about you now as he will as the years roll by.

take the kindle; it IS a cool gadget. and enjoy the passing years. the gifts will improve - but so will your knowledge of each other, and that's the real gift.

and keep in mind, what most men who love their wives really want (and most never say) is a slow strip tease and plenty of provocative victoria's secret type underwear. and that's for anniversary 1 - infinity. are you giving him *that*? he CAN go and buy the techie stuff himself, as a previous poster mentioned. but a lap dance from the woman he loves, telling him she finds him truly desirable and can't WAIT to get him in the sack? now *that's* a gift to his ego par excellence!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Well I for one would LOVE a Kindle!!

I think there''s always a struggle between getting our loved ones something they really want and something you really want to get them. I love to buy gifts to see the reaction people give me when they open it. So sometimes, I''ll get things for DH that he has no idea I knew he wanted or that he even knew he wanted. A few questions. Did you clearly tell him you wanted a bag or something girly, or did you rely on him taking hints? Men are not subtle creatures. Hints don''t work.

 

[NakedFinger]

This reminds of my parents. For their first wedding anniversary my dad got her.....drumroll please.........a crock pot!!

She said she was livid. They were 20 when they got married (so he was 21 at the time) and his defense is "I was young and dumb. I didnt know any better. But I'll never make that mistake again!". He's been making up for it with amazing things ever sense!

Moral of this story? For anniversaries men should stick to jewery. You cant go wrong! (never something for the home or office!)

 

[Jas12]

I am sorry you are disappointed, but it seems like a lot of fuss over an anni gift. I've been with hubby for 12 years and he's given some amazing gifts, but our 2 anniversaries are not in that company. I kinda think you are making a big deal out of it. I know it is the first one, so maybe most couples like to kick off their years of marriage with a good gift, but personally i wouldn't expect anything extravagant until the 'milestone' years like 10th, 25th, 50th etc.