I REALLY do not want to be a bridesmaid!

[Hopes]

therighttime, I just want to say that it is so admirable that you are doing this for your friend despite your concerns about your body image. Please know that the whole "you gotta be skinny as a stick to be an attractive maiden" thing is so not true! Besides that, looking good is really about your attitude. I''ve seen some super confident, friendly and attractive girls that are on the plus size, but some really thin girls that (to me anyway) seem ugly because they were just mean and nasty to everyone. Be happy and radiant at her wedding on her happy day, and I''m sure you''ll look incredibly beautiful!

 

[Bunnifer]

therighttime, I think this dress might look lovely on you...it's "smokey blue" -- is that close enough to cornflower? I don't know...and I don't know your coloring, but I think this dress is adorable...AND it comes with a matching wrap!!

Link: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/clo/257332656.html

 

[Samantha Red]

Righttime, I know exactly how you feel, although not in the context of being a bridesmaid. I recently went to a wedding and hated myself on the photos. They made me decide that once and for all I am not going to be fat for another important function. I hate that I don''t want to go and buy clothes and spending the whole event wishing the ground would swallow me up. It made me think long and hard about what I want and whether that bit of food that I don''t need is worth it. It is not easy, not by a long way, but I have spent half of my life being governed by my weight and I am not going to let it happen anymore. I am giving myself 6 months to lose what I want to lose and that is that. Food for me is going to be a means for survival, not an emotional crutch.

Of course I am not saying that you should feel like me at all, everyone should be happy whatever it means. I just thought I would share my feelings on the subject.

I am sure you will look beautiful, you are obviouly a beautiful friend and that will shine through on the day!

 

[decodelighted]

Hey this is a random thought but is the wedding in a church? She might be too early in her planning to thing about this but some churches REQUIRE people to cover their shoulders with wraps during the service. Even if these bridesmaids don''t *want* wraps ... they may get ''em after all.

I''m a plus size gal & I actually LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVED the David''s Bridal strapless bridemaid dress my sister picked out ... granted it was black & I did wear a wrap & it was butt-hiding poufy/swishy tea-length ... but I actually copied the look for my own WEDDING DRESS a couple years later! (Worn with a little short sleeved bolero sweater)

Oh I SO hope my bridesmaid days are over ... yet ... I have one baby sister left to wed ... so - maybe not!

 

[nejarb]

Hi therighttime,

I do not want to be a bridesmaid either. It is the last thing I want to do for any woman, no matter how much I care about her. However, I was recently asked to be one and I said yes without even thinking about it. It was just an automatic response. I wish I would have said how I really feel*, but I didn''t...so I have to live with it now. And that means I have to be a bridesmaid, pretend like I am happy to do it, and not upset the bride with my discomfort over the situation. After all, I had a choice, and I chose to say yes. and that''s not the bride''s problem.

*how I really feel: I feel that the level of inconvenience, extravagence, superficiality, attention-seeking, and competativeness associated with many weddings cheapens the meaning of the occassion and reduces the level of enjoyment for the couple and those who are closest to them. Furthermore, a big wedding party is completely unneccessary, and it''s hard for me to imagine that anyone really wants to be a bridesmaid or groomsman. (Actaully this is how I really feel, but I wouldn''t tell someone this just b/c they asked me to be a bridesmaid. next time I will say that I have a policy against it, and if pressed, then I may elaborate a little.)

I think you should exercise and take care of your self to look your best and be healthy, but you should do it for yourself, not for your friend. And I think you should do what you committed to and not give the bride grief about it. I''m sure she already has enough problems to deal with re her wedding (self-inflicted, but just the same...).

BTW, I''m getting married this year and I''m not having a big wedding, b/c I think it''s a waste of my time. I have plenty of time to plan a big wedding, and plenty of family and friends and even plenty of money, but I don''t need the attention and I certainly don''t need the headache and I don''t really want matching pots and pans and spatulas.

Did you ever wonder why people who are getting married for the 2nd time or for the first time but are a little older rarely have ridiculous 3-day extravaganza events? I''m only 26, and I have to keep reminding people of this when they harrass me about my own wedding: "You wouldn''t be bothering me about this if I were divorced or I was 40! you should be happy for me that I have the insight to have a small and simple wedding without the experience or maturity that most people who elope/get married at the courthouse/have super-casual ceremony & reception do!"

Okay, I''ll get off my soapbox now. I needed to rant about that, and I hope I touched a cord w/ someone out there. By the way therighttime, did I mention that I think your wedding plans sound fantastic?!?

 

[Hopes]

I am also having a small ceremony, but not because I think the big wedding is necessarily too extravagant or superficial. I''ve been to such a wedding, and to me it seems like a big celebration that involves all your friends, family and those people in your life that want the best for you. It''s really a nice thing to take part in, for those with that kind of budget and personality. I am a very private person myself and so would never want to be a part of that. My ideal wedding is probably something like a scene out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where she marries Angel in a chapel, and it''s just the two of them alone with her in a white gown and him in a black tux, the utmost radiant glow of love on both their faces. I really love that scene... not so much what comes after that though.

 

[Jaders731]

Nejarb: "Did you ever wonder why people who are getting married for the 2nd time or for the first time but are a little older rarely have ridiculous 3-day extravaganza events? I'm only 26, and I have to keep reminding people of this when they harrass me about my own wedding: "You wouldn't be bothering me about this if I were divorced or I was 40! you should be happy for me that I have the insight to have a small and simple wedding without the experience or maturity that most people who elope/get married at the courthouse/have super-casual ceremony & reception do!"

Sorry, I dont know how to use the quotes yet.. LOL...


This statement did strike a chord with me yes.. but not in the way you had hoped for... this statement upset me a little.. just because you personally would not like a large wedding... doesnt mean those of us who do want one do not have any insight or that if we were to get divorced and get remarried, that we would have thought twice about our original plans and considered it a waste of time. I dont think we lack maturity compared to those who prefer smaller weddings either.

My fiance and I waited a long time to be able to have the large wedding that we are having. We are getting married in a special place (to us anyways) and we are creating a celebration for the marriage of two families. This is a celebration to honor our committment to each other and to honor our families in the process. and for the record.. our wedding (and I'm sure others would agree re: their weddings) is/was not some "ridiculous 3-day extravaganza event." It is a celebration of family. For example... I live outside of the US, my dad is in Iraq, my mom lives in Florida, brother in NY and Fi's family in Ohio... this is a weekend for us to be together, which doesnt happen very often. I personally am offended in how you refer to this weekend of celebration. For us, it isnt about the attention or competitiveness or extravagance.. and it is most certainly not about inconveniencing anybody, as Fi and I have gone to great lengths to make sure that any inconvenience would be alleviated..

And another thing: as you said... people have a choice... and that applies to attending a wedding as well... Because of your stance on large weddings in general.. do you refuse to attend them as well as refusing (except for this instance) to stand up in them? I mean.. wouldnt the same prinicple you apply to being a bridesmaid, also apply to attending a large wedding as a guest? I would think so.. and if not.. it seems like a big double standard.

You are right.. you struck a chord alright... just not a very good one...

Sorry therighttime, I didnt mean to hijack your thread.. I just HAD to get that off my chest!

 

[therighttime]

Date: 1/9/2007 2:04:56 PM
Author: Bunnifer
therighttime, I think this dress might look lovely on you...it''s ''smokey blue'' -- is that close enough to cornflower? I don''t know...and I don''t know your coloring, but I think this dress is adorable...AND it comes with a matching wrap!!

Link: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/clo/257332656.html

I don''t get to pick my own dress... the bride picked... but thanks for the suggestion! i DO like the long wrap though!

 

[therighttime]

Date: 1/9/2007 2:26:51 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hey this is a random thought but is the wedding in a church? She might be too early in her planning to thing about this but some churches REQUIRE people to cover their shoulders with wraps during the service. Even if these bridesmaids don't *want* wraps ... they may get 'em after all.

I'm a plus size gal & I actually LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVED the David's Bridal strapless bridemaid dress my sister picked out ... granted it was black & I did wear a wrap & it was butt-hiding poufy/swishy tea-length ... but I actually copied the look for my own WEDDING DRESS a couple years later! (Worn with a little short sleeved bolero sweater)

Oh I SO hope my bridesmaid days are over ... yet ... I have one baby sister left to wed ... so - maybe not!

The wedding is in a catholic church... I'm not sure what their rules are but that's a good question!!
The dress my friend picked out is a straight, fitted dress. I REALLY need an A-line, or a "butt-hiding poufy/swishy" dress I am self conscious about my arm flab and big hips... and this dress seems to scream.... look at these bare arms and big hips!

I ordered the mocha, by the way. I felt it would be closer to black/slimming than a light blue.

 

[therighttime]

Large wedding vs. small wedding???

My friend is having a very large wedding, at least for our area of the country. She is having 7 bridesmaids, a 4(?) course sit-down meal, a band, etc... Her budget is VERY large, but this is what she has always wanted and her parents are chipping in to help. I also am 100% sure that she is putting as much into preparing for her marriage as she is her wedding. They have attended pre-marital counseling... went to a weekend retreat required by their church, etc. She and her bf are very devoted to each other and realize this day is just one day in the rest of their lives. So, if they have the desire and means to have this big wedding, and it makes them happy, then I think that it''s great! However, I would be very concerned if my friend was only concentrating on the wedding planning as an event in and of itself, and not on the MARRIAGE.

I also have a friend getting married 2 weeks before my other friend. She is getting married at a small chapel in a public park and will have a picnic afterward. There will be about 40 people there total, mostly family. They too, are 100% dedicated to each other and their lives together, but just choose to make it official in a different style.

As long as it is about the marriage, not the wedding.... then I think the couple can choose to celebrate it in whatever way they want. For me, just seeing the chaos at David''s Bridal made me realize that was some stress *I* personally wouldn''t want. However, I''m sure not criticizing anyone who is up to the task/fun of planning a large event!

Just my opinion.....

 

[nejarb]

Jaders, I''m sorry to offend you--I didn''t mean offense to every person who is having a large wedding. I DO go to large weddings--alot of them, and what I wrote is an expression of my frustration with them, or rather with the attitude of my fi''s group of friends when it comes to weddings. It seems like every wedding I go to is exactly the same, except for stupid details that the young women at these weddings invariably comment on/gossip about, etc. during the reception, saying things like "how much do you think her wedding dress cost?" OR "I can''t believe she did a buffet instead of full service--who asks thier guests to carry their own food to the table?"


therighttime, what you said about that couple understanding that their wedding is JUST ONE DAY fo the rest of their lives together is so important. that''s really my point.

 

[ladykemma]

I''m with nejarb. i never plan to divorce, but should i get married again I''m having a potluck. I''m serious.

that said, a LOT of churches will not allow these strapless numbers. make sure they are ok.

When we got married, the church lady made sure we showed our dress plans to her before any money was plunked down.

As a respectful bride with a lot of plus size bridesmaids, i asked THEM what thieir dress style choice was. they got to pick. not me. I bought several bolts of fabric, and hired a seamstress. we paid for the dresses, which is unusual.

seems like your bride is being disrespecful of you.

 

[gailrmv]

Therighttime,
I didn''t read the whole thread, apologies if this has already been suggested but...

May I ask your approximate size? If you are plus-plus size, and your friend is not, you might simply explain to her that you feel self conscious in the dress and that you would feel much better in another style. She may have simply not considered how the dress would fit on your body type if hers is much different.

If you are not plus-plus size, but simply larger than you like to be, I think you are probably being too hard on yourself. You will probably look very nice in the dress especially after you have any alterations done.

Although being a bridesmaid can be a pain, and is certainly an expense, I think it will mean a lot to your friend (and probably to you too). What great memories you two will have for years afterward of the big day!

 

[therighttime]

I ordered a size 18 dress.... so am I plus size? There seems to be a fine line at size 18. I'm also very short. Depending on how the dress is made, I can wear smaller sometimes. I'm a 36C on top which isn't all that large, but as i mentioned... I have huge hips, so any sort of straight dress accentuates that. I do much better in an A-line. I also have developed horribly flabby arms the last few years. I am still the same size but have noticed that jackets have to be a size larger than they used to be. I just feel like this dress accentuates my two worst features. I did order a wrap so hopefully I can cover up some, and I've drug out the dumbells for some arm toning.

I did ask the bride what she thought about us all picking our own style and she said this dress looks great on everyone. So, I didn't push it any further. Her body type is WAY different than mine. She is thin, but basically has a straight body with NO curves. "boyish" maybe...

 

[onedrop]

I feel for you righttime! I thought I had dodged the BM bullet myself...but not so since I will be in a wedding in March (hopefully my last as a BM). And I agreed without hesitation because it is a close friend. But if I had my druthers....

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 1/9/2007 10:44:17 PM
Author: therighttime
I ordered a size 18 dress.... so am I plus size? There seems to be a fine line at size 18. I''m also very short. Depending on how the dress is made, I can wear smaller sometimes. I''m a 36C on top which isn''t all that large, but as i mentioned... I have huge hips, so any sort of straight dress accentuates that. I do much better in an A-line. I also have developed horribly flabby arms the last few years. I am still the same size but have noticed that jackets have to be a size larger than they used to be. I just feel like this dress accentuates my two worst features. I did order a wrap so hopefully I can cover up some, and I''ve drug out the dumbells for some arm toning.

I did ask the bride what she thought about us all picking our own style and she said this dress looks great on everyone. So, I didn''t push it any further. Her body type is WAY different than mine. She is thin, but basically has a straight body with NO curves. ''boyish'' maybe...

I''m not sure, and it doesn''t really matter! I just wanted to get a mental picture. I don''t think anyone will be saying (or thinking) the type of unkind comments you had mentioned you were afraid of. I really don''t. If they do, it reflects poorly on them, not you.

It sounds like maybe the bride was choosing the dress subconsciously thinking what style she might choose for herself. I envy those super slim types who look good in everything!

Anyway, my opinion is to do everything you can to look/feel your best given the dress style, and enjoy the day as much as you can. The right undergarments, shoes, makeup and accessories can do wonders for your actual look and your self confidence!

 

[poptart]

Date: 1/9/2007 5:05:35 PM
Author: therighttime
The wedding is in a catholic church... I''m not sure what their rules are but that''s a good question!!
The dress my friend picked out is a straight, fitted dress. I REALLY need an A-line, or a ''butt-hiding poufy/swishy'' dress I am self conscious about my arm flab and big hips... and this dress seems to scream.... look at these bare arms and big hips!

I ordered the mocha, by the way. I felt it would be closer to black/slimming than a light blue.

You can wear a strapless dress in a Catholic Church, normally. Sometimes it depends on the priest or monsigneur (sp) who is presiding over the wedding. She probably already checked about the straplessness of the dress though... at least I hope. We have a monsigneur back home that would probably FAINT at the idea of a strapless dress, while there is another that lets us wear shorts to Mass!

*M*

 

[Jaders731]

Nejarb:

Thanks for the clarification... I can totally understand your frustration! Some of those hoity toity weddings bother me too... I just dont ever want to be lobbed into the same category with them... as I am trying so hard not to be one of those weddings! I absolutely think its possible to have a large festive wedding, without all the gossip and cattiness that can sometimes be associated with a wedding of that size.

Therighttime:

Good job on pulling out the weights... its amazing what a little clothing motivation will do... (I swear my wedding is the best motivation in the world...)
I think you choosing the brown color dress will be more slimming than the blue dress.. and I believe that the wrap will help calm your nerves a little.. and so what if no one else is wearing one... to each his own right? Dont you worry what anyone else says or thinks... ultimately what matters is how you feel in that dress.. and if pulling out the dumbells and wearing a wrap makes you feel good, then that is the important part!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 1/9/2007 10:44:17 PM
Author: therighttime
I did ask the bride what she thought about us all picking our own style and she said this dress looks great on everyone. So, I didn''t push it any further. Her body type is WAY different than mine. She is thin, but basically has a straight body with NO curves. ''boyish'' maybe...

I think her body type is the ONLY type that can wear a completely straight skirt like that comfortably! Most people do NOT look good in a straight skirt, yet A-line works on almost everyone. I cannot fathom why she can''t see that! I have been amazed looking at my fellow brides in their wedding dress trials pictures... even someone with a fabulous figure can''t pull off everything!

I think you handled it well. Just keep this mantra in your head: "It''s just one day. It''s just one day. It''s just one day!"

 

[Scooba]

No you absolutely can not back out, you should have put more thought into it when she asked (and since you two are so close I think it would have been very rude for you to say no anyway) but you didn''t and now you are stuck. If you don''t feel comfortable with the way you look then change it, that is not the brides problem, you can lose weight and go tanning, get a great makeup artist and no one will know you are 10 years older then the bride. You say for her you will wear the ugly dress and smile for pics, well that is what BMs do, so do it! I don''t know how old you are but your post sounds very childish, it sounds like you know it''s not ok to back out and it would cause stress which you don''t want to do, yet you are contemplating doing it, why?!?! Do not let this bride know anything except how thrilled you are to be there for her, you self-image issues are your own personal issues to deal with and should not burden the bride.

Sorry if this sounded rude or too blunt, but it just upsets me that you would consider letting down a friend that you say you are very close to because you will feel old and fat in a dress.

 

[Scooba]

I just read through the rest of the posts, sorry i didn''t do that sooner, it seems like you decided to do the right thing, so sorry again about my harsh post

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/11/2007 2:00:42 AM
Author: Diamonds are Hot!
No you absolutely can not back out, you should have put more thought into it when she asked (and since you two are so close I think it would have been very rude for you to say no anyway) but you didn''t and now you are stuck. If you don''t feel comfortable with the way you look then change it, that is not the brides problem, you can lose weight and go tanning, get a great makeup artist and no one will know you are 10 years older then the bride. You say for her you will wear the ugly dress and smile for pics, well that is what BMs do, so do it! I don''t know how old you are but your post sounds very childish, it sounds like you know it''s not ok to back out and it would cause stress which you don''t want to do, yet you are contemplating doing it, why?!?! Do not let this bride know anything except how thrilled you are to be there for her, you self-image issues are your own personal issues to deal with and should not burden the bride.

Sorry if this sounded rude or too blunt, but it just upsets me that you would consider letting down a friend that you say you are very close to because you will feel old and fat in a dress.

Well it does come across as rude and blunt. OUCH!!!

 

[therighttime]

Well it does come across as rude and blunt. OUCH!!!

Ouch is right!

As I said, I honestly wanted opinions as to whether or not this would hurt my friend/the bride from those of you on the board close to her age who are planning to get married soon, or who just got married. I got those opinions, which I appreciate, and put aside any ideas of backing out at all. Thanks again, everyone for all the support and honest opinions!