I REALLY do not want to be a bridesmaid!

[therighttime]

Sorry, if this is too far off topic, but since this is the board where I "know" everyone, I thought I''d post here for some advice.

One of my best friends is getting married in May. I met her at work 5 years ago and we worked side by side every day for 3 years. She and I had a job where it was pretty much just the two of us at all times. She left 2 years ago to go back to college and get her MBA. We have stayed very close friends since. I went through all her LIW woes with her and I was the first person she called after he proposed. She''s not just a former coworker, but really is a great friend I couldn''t do without and do not want to hurt at all!

She got engaged last December and immediately asked me to be a bridesmaid. I just said yes without thinking about anything. I was really so happy for her and excited she wanted me to be a part of her wedding. But now, after a year has passed and it''s planning time, I am really really NOT wanting to be a bridesmaid. I think I am just too old and fat to do it. I am 10 years older than the bride and groom. I haven''t had to be a bridesmaid in 15 years! Plus, I am considerably bigger than I was 15 years ago as well. I just can''t imagine wearing a bridesmaid dress in front of a million people at my age and size. She is having a big formal wedding and reception with 7 bridesmaids and tons of guests, and a formal sit-down reception with meal. She picked out strapless dresses. I don''t think I can wear a strapless dress! Did I mention I am old, fat, and very pale?

So, since the planning is underway and dresses are to be ordered this week, is it too late for me to back out? Would it be awful of me to do that to her? Or, do you think with 6 others she could care less? Could I explain to her that I just don''t feel comfortable being older, huge, and pale and wearing that dress alongside 7 people very young and bridesmaidish? I do not want to upset her or give her any stress at all, and for HER I will suck it up, wear the horribly expensive ugly strapless dress in front of 3 million people and (GASP!) smile for the pictures!!! I will do it for her, but if there were a way out that wouldn''t upset her I would be so happy!!!!

Ok, advice needed. Should I mention to her that I am uncomfortable, or does that put her on the spot and risk upsetting her? Am I being selfish?? Should I suck it up and start upper arm excercises, tanning, and anti-aging cream immediately and go ahead and order the dress??

Oh... I can''t use the "poor single mom" can''t afford it excuse because my mom has a huge credit at DAvid''s Bridal (horrible place by the way) so my dress is essentially paid for!

Last point in my very long post... I am 100% sure I want to marry my boyfriend and also 100% sure it is NOT about having a wedding. Just being in David''s Bridal this weekend made me physical ill. I will elope.

 

[diamondfan]

I can appreciate how you feel, and no one wants to be looked at a lot when they do not feel great about how they look. BUT, I am sure A: you are being tougher on yourself than is necessary and B: no one is really going to be examing you that closely, so I think if you can manage at all, it would mean a lot to her that you do. I know it will be tough and you will feel self conscious, but since you said yes and it is not that far away, I think it would be the right thing to do...

 

[diamondfan]

PS maybe as the older and wiser one you could wear something a bit more flattering that you like?

 

[therighttime]

Date: 1/8/2007 12:33:33 AM
Author: diamondfan
PS maybe as the older and wiser one you could wear something a bit more flattering that you like?

I wish... but that doesn''t seem to be an option. We went to David''s Bridal with pictures in hand, but that place was a mad house. People were grabbing, pushing.. running around 1/2 dressed everywhere! We didn''t even get to see the dresses we had picked because they didnt'' have most of them. So, she picked out two more... one of which only one of the girls could try on because it was a 6. From those two, I can pick which one I want to wear and which color... but they are both strapless dresses I would not be comfortable in I really don''t care which one. They are both equally horrid to me.

But I guess you are right... no one will be looking at me (I HOPE

) and maybe I do need to just suck it up and be in it. ugh.

Does anyone actually enjoy this??? Even 15 years ago I wasn''t ever thrilled to be asked to be a bridesmaid! hmmm...

 

[diamondfan]

Well, I think I would rather have every tooth in my head pulled with a pliers and no novacaine, but not all girls or women agree. Like some women love being pregnant and to me it was a means to an end...the dresses usually are not great, and some brides expect a lot and are not too pleasant about it, so overall, I think it is a nice gesture to agree to be in someone''s wedding.

Maybe you could joke with her, and say, hey, I am honored to be part of it, but I will let you off the hook if you only want young and lovely bridesmaids on your big day...meaning, play off a bit and be self deprecating, and make it a bit light and funny...though I am sure you look wonderful and she asked because she wants you there...so at this point you may have to just smile and put on the nasty dress and do it...(sorry to be a bummer)

 

[Cind11]

Well, I think you might have to suck it up and just do it. She obviously wants you or she wouldn''t have asked you. It might really hurt her if you backed out. And i agree with diamondfan, my guess is that you''re being tougher on yourself than you should!

 

[aljdewey]

She got engaged last December and immediately asked me to be a bridesmaid. I just said yes without thinking about anything. I was really so happy for her and excited she wanted me to be a part of her wedding. But now, after a year has passed and it''s planning time, I am really really NOT wanting to be a bridesmaid. I think I am just too old and fat to do it. I am 10 years older than the bride and groom. I haven''t had to be a bridesmaid in 15 years! Plus, I am considerably bigger than I was 15 years ago as well. I just can''t imagine wearing a bridesmaid dress in front of a million people at my age and size. She is having a big formal wedding and reception with 7 bridesmaids and tons of guests, and a formal sit-down reception with meal. She picked out strapless dresses. I don''t think I can wear a strapless dress! Did I mention I am old, fat, and very pale?

You agreed a *year ago*, and now you want to back out? I''m sorry - have to be blunt and say that I think that''s out of line on your part.

The reasons you give....again, being brutally honest here: they''re excuses. This is about sharing in her day.....your friend, who wants you to be part of her wedding. No one is going to know what your age is when you walk down the aisle, and none of them will know how long it''s been since you''ve been a bridesmaid previously. She didn''t even KNOW you 15 years ago, so she has no idea how much bigger you are now than then. She certainly was aware what you look like when she asked you a year ago, and she wanted you (the real you) to be in her wedding and share in your joy.

I mean this with no malice......you aren''t the one people will be looking at anyway. It''s the bride''s day. No one is going to be saying "oh, look how pale righttime is....how old do you think she is?" as you''re walking down the aisle. Nope - they are going to be looking past you, waiting to see the BRIDE. You will end up being "one of the seven bridesmaids", and that''s about it, so no reason to worry that everyone will focus on you.

So, since the planning is underway and dresses are to be ordered this week, is it too late for me to back out? Would it be awful of me to do that to her? Or, do you think with 6 others she could care less?

I think she''d be very hurt....or at least I would. The fact that I''d still have 6 others doesn''t mitigate the fact that she asked you, and that you''re bailing on her.

Could I explain to her that I just don''t feel comfortable being older, huge, and pale and wearing that dress alongside 7 people very young and bridesmaidish?
I think you could have done so if you''d done it when she asked you, and declined then. Or perhaps offered to fulfill another role instead (such as doing a reading, etc.) But at this date? No, I don''t think you can. They likely planned on seven bridesmaids and have asked seven groomsman already based on that. Now isn''t the time to explain. It''s the time to do what you committed to.
Should I mention to her that I am uncomfortable....? No. If the issue of dresses were subject to input, then I''d say sure, mention that you''d prefer a different dress style, but it doesn''t sound like that''s the case.

Am I being selfish?? You''re being human, like us all, and yeah, maybe a bit selfish. I think you''re overemphasizing how much others will see/notice you, and you''re trying to avoid discomfort for yourself.....possibly at the bride''s expense.

Should I suck it up.....??? Honestly? Yes, I think you should. It''s not as though the pictures will have to hang in your house or that you''ll have to constantly see them. I''d handle this with as much grace and aplomb as you can muster, and resolve never to accept such an offer again.

 

[therighttime]

I know, I know... you all are right. I have to suck it up and do it. I love her and would not upset her for the world.

She did ask me last year, but it was very informally mentioned like..."I''ll have this color, and that flower... and you can be a bridesmaid, and I want a band...." At that time I was happy for her and caught up in the moment. She never really said, "will you??" So, fast forward a year... and she tells me they are ready to plan and we need to go pick out dresses Saturday.... and it hit me like a ton of bricks... ugh... I''m in a wedding!!!

Hey....I can hope that one of the guys drop out and she needs to nix one of the girls though, right???

 

[therighttime]

Like some women love being pregnant and to me it was a means to an end

I didn''t enjoy being pregnant either!!! So true it was a means to an end! I was sick 30+ times a day for 5 months and never stopped being sick at least one time a day until after he was born! That''s why he is an only child!!

 

[diamondfan]

I had three, I think God helps you forget how awful it can be!
I will hope she only needs 6 bridesmaid in the end and you can just enjoy the day as a guest, but if not, I know you will look lovely and she will be thrilled to have you...

 

[Girlrocks]

3 months into my hubby and my year long engagement 8 years ago, my SIL who was my matron of honor told me she was pregnant and due 2 weeks before our wedding. I gave her the out then, told her I would totally understand if she stepped down. She refused and said she would be there for me. Well, she went past her due date and was induced 5 days before our wedding. She got out of the hospital on a Wednesday, had to rush to the taylor''s to have her dress fitted on Thursday and was right up there next to me when we got married on Saturday with a 5 day old baby in the church. She was also attempting to breastfeed and for anyone who''s been there, you know at 5 days old, things are still pretty difficult. Talk about a nightmare (for her). She was a trouper though. It could always be worse!!!

 

[cpster]

Can you wear a wrap with your dress to feel a bit more comfortable? Also, I think proper supportive undergarments are key to looking and feeling great in a strapless gown.

 

[janinegirly]

hi righttime, i agree with others that you probably should try to suck it up since there isn''t anything really that willl make you unable to perform as a bridesmaid. I''m sure she is thrilled to have you be part of it and that she and everyone will think you look wonderful.
I''m making my FI''s sister a bridesmaid and she''s a mom of 2 and a good 15-20 yrs older than the other BM''s, so it''s not that uncommon. If she''s a close friend of yours, I wouldn''t risk hurting your friendship..

 

[cpster]

Here are some great wraps and shrugs that David''s has.

http://www.davidsbridal.com/accessory_return_wraps_bridalparty.jsp

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto what all of them said. She wants you standing with her because you are her friend, not because of how you look, etc. I can understand your feelings, but I don''t think you should act on them.

I think you should ask if all of the girls can wear wraps, or maybe even to have straps sewn into your gown, but I do think you need to follow through on your promise.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto what all of them said. She wants you standing with her because you are her friend, not because of how you look, etc. I can understand your feelings, but I don''t think you should act on them.

I think you should ask if all of the girls can wear wraps, or maybe even to have straps sewn into your gown.

 

[firebirdgold]

It really is too late to back out now. I think the wrap idea is a great idea unless it''s in the heat of the summer, but only if you can talk some of the other BM''s into wearing one. You don''t want to be the only one wearing something different as that will only draw attention to the fact that you feel overwieght. If everyone is wearing the same thing you''ll blend in.

The right undergarments do make a huge difference. Get a full length corset bra with boning. Whatever you do, do not wear one of David''s foam corset bra''s. The first time I went to David''s they made me wear one and I looked awful! I cryed for almost a whole day afterwards and didn''t even want to think about having to buy a dress for months! The second time I insisted on a boned corset and I looked waaay better.

David''s is evil.

Please don''t dismiss the idea of having the wedding of your dreams just because David''s is traumatizing!

 

[crown1]

hi rightime! i have a different opinion than most. i think that if the dresses have not yet been ordered you still have the option to talk to your friend.

if i were the bride and had six other ladies standing with me i would not want my friend to be uncomfortable on my wedding day. if you were to tell me your feelings i would say well why don''t we just find you something else to do.

this is just my opinion so please don''t go crazy guys. i say the bride can still have a lovely day with six attendants and rightime can help out some other way or simply be a guest. but, by all means commit one way or the other immediately. good luck to you and the bride.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yeah, I also see nothing wrong with being honest and saying... you know I love you and am so honored that you asked me, but I feel a little old to actually be a BM...could I maybe help do something else like the guest register, etc.? and see what she says. If she acts like she''s upset, then fine, do it. But she also may have felt obligated to ask you, and she may be fine with letting you off the hook.

(PS: I wouldn''t want to do it either.)

 

[sumbride]

I 100% agree with Aljdewey!!! You need to do this because you said you would.

She didn''t pick you for your dress size, she doesn''t care that you''re older, she wants you up there because you are her friend and are important to her. Ask her if you can wear a wrap or a shrug if you''re uncomforable about your arms, but remember that you are your own worst critic!

This kind of hit me hard because I have 7 bridesmaids (6 and a jr.) and two of them are 9 years older. I didn''t pick them for their dress size, and all my girls have different shaped bodies and different body image issues, so I asked them early on what they would prefer and just decided to let them pick their own. They''re thrilled about it. That would have been the ideal situation for you, and maybe she''d still agree, but if she won''t, a wrap may help. Don''t bail on her! Even though I have a lot of bridesmaids, each person was selected personally for very good reasons and it would really hurt if one of them dropped out AFTER telling me she''d do it. I did give them the chance to opt out when I asked them in the first place.

 

[diamondfan]

Crown, I totally see your point and I agree that as the bride, I might like to know someone''s feelings. My only point is that while I know righttime FEELS that she is not going to look great etc, that she likely is being extraordinarily tough on herself and that her friend clearly wanted her to be up there. I think it would just be shame to miss out on it because of that. However, if it is really going to be problematic and make it impossible for her to be part of it, then she should say something to her friend so everyone is aware and on the same page, since I am sure the bride would not like her to feel miserable...

 

[bee*]

i''d probably just suck it up too. Like others have said-she didnt pick you for how you look in a dress or your age, but because you are one of her closest friends

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/8/2007 12:42:31 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Yeah, I also see nothing wrong with being honest and saying... you know I love you and am so honored that you asked me, but I feel a little old to actually be a BM...could I maybe help do something else like the guest register, etc.? and see what she says.

I agree this would have been a reasonable course of action IF it had been done when she was first asked.

I disagree that it''s ok to do it *now*......a year after being asked and only four months!!! until the wedding.

Crown says "the dresses haven''t been ordered yet"; that''s true. However, it''s likely that seven groomsmen have been selected based on having seven bridesmaids. It''s also likely that the bride may have already been shopping for bridesmaid gifts, etc., so things other than the dress may very well have been purchased already.

Date: 1/8/2007 12:42:31 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

If she acts like she''s upset, then fine, do it.

If you''re willing to do it if she''s upset, then why not be willing to do it without upsetting her to begin with? Why add that drama to it? Frankly, I wouldn''t want someone to begrudgingly agree to do it after they''ve already bitched about having to do it in the first place. That''s not very friend-like. JMHO.

 

[swingirl]

Another thing to keep in mind. There is a groomsman who has already been asked to stand up. If you bail out what do they do with the extra groomsman? Unless there is one of those that wishes he could bail too.

Maybe you could express your concerns to the bride and tell her you feel uncomfortable and if they are having a hard time finding enough groomsmen you''d be okay stepping down. A bride really should consider the ages and sizes of her bridesmaids when looking at dresses. No one wants to look inappropriate. You might ask her if there is another job/responsibility you could handle for the wedding because you do want to participate and be there on her special day but the whole big-girl-center-stage is making you feel uncomfortable.

I understand your dilema. I had 2 very good friends that I wanted to stand up to my wedding. My best freind was a big gal 5'' 7" and well over 200lbs. My other very good friend was a tiny gal 5'' 3" and 85-90lbs. I knew they''d both look ridiculous dressed alike so I had one stand up and the other sang at the ceremony.

I hope you can work it out. Good luck.
Swingirl

 

[RoseAngel04]

100% agree with aljdewey on this one. IMO, it''s way too late in the process for you to back out...if one of my BM''s tried to drop that late in the planning process I would be hurt. You have known for a year that this was coming...now it''s time to support you friend and put on a happy face...

 

[Jaders731]

Right time:

As a bride who just had a bridesmaid "back out" about one month ago... 4 months before the wedding..

I beg you.. please do not back out on her...

I think back to how I felt the day she emailed me to tell me she didnt want to do it anymore (for whatever reasons) and I was heartbroken. I cried endlessly.. and it was just a horrible feeling.

I dont see anything wrong with you speaking with her and asking if you could wear a different style dress.. same color.. or if all of you could wear matching wraps to give you a greater sense of security and maybe an ounce more modesty... especially since it sounds like the dresses havent been ordered just yet.

It sounds like you really adore your friend.. and friendships are about moving the earth for each other. I know I personally would have moved the earth for my friend (now ex-bridesmaid) in fact.. I dropped over 1K just on a plane ticket to get to her last minute wedding... but it was a mind blowing revelation to learn that she would not do the same for me... I wouldnt wish that feeling on anyone.

There seems to be a bigger issue than just the "I dont want to be a bridesmaid" and it appears to be your self-image/self-esteem:
How long until the wedding? If you have some time, maybe you should take some time to get healthy.. eat right... go for a walk.. exercise.. get moving.. anything... just start with a 30 min. walk every day... drink 8 glasses of water every day...after two weeks or eating right and moving.. you will feel worlds better about yourself.. and the perk of doing that is that you will feel better.. and ultimately you might feel more "bridesmaid-y".. Maybe try to go tanning (ok... no lectures on the benefits/dangers of tanning beds... just a thought).. or try a self tanner.. mystic tan.. you name it.. that might help bring you out of the body image funk you seem to be in...

Bottom line... please dont hurt your girlfriend by backing out of a committment you agreed to. In the long run it will do nothing more than hurt your friendship.. and where will you be then? Out a friend.. and still needing to improve your self-image and self esteem...

I hope that helps.. just my $.02 from having just gone through that situation!

 

[therighttime]

Thanks thanks thanks for all the responses. It makes me feel better to hear that a lot of you wouldn''t want to be a BM either!!

The majority it seems votes I suck it up and be happy! I can do that!

I did take some of your advice already and I asked her about the dress wrap/shrug option. She said I could get one if I wanted... but no one else wants one and therefore won''t be wearing one during the ceremony! Grr! I''m wondering if I had one and put it on for the reception/dinner only would I stand out too much then being different? I wish she would''ve let us pick our own styles, so I could get something more comfortable. I applaud those of you who posted you let your bm pick what style they liked. That really would''ve helped some in my situation. The dress is strapless and a fitted long gown. It''s not even flattering on the MOH which is her sister. Maybe with the right undergarments (thanks for the tips), and in the comfort of my own home instead of that Place then maybe I''ll feel better about the dress.

I am excited about helping with her shower, parties, etc... and I do want to be a part of the day. I wouldn''t want to stress her or hurt her in any way. That is why I posted. I wanted to know what brides and future brides thought... would it be upsetting. And you have answered a LOUD YES!! I love her and will be there with a smile on... but THIS is my last bridesmaid role.... next time I will be prepared and just ask if I can play the harp or bake the cake instead.

By the way, I do get to pick if I want brown (mocha) or blue (cornflower). Any suggestions?

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hey righttime. I just read your thread and I'm glad you decided to put on a happy face for your friend. In response to your question about wearing the wrap for the reception, I say go for it. If I were a bridesmaid that's probably something I'd do anyway (if the bride didn't object) because I'm always cold. I don't think you'll stand out too much because we've all seen the bms who take off their shoes, wear slippers, etc. If it will make you feel better, talk to your friend and then go find a nice wrap!

You said you get to pick between mocha and cornflower...the dress or the wrap? What are her accent colors? What flowers will you be carrying? I love blue but mocha can be lovely also, especially for a dress.

Jaders, I'm so sorry that one of your bms backed out. It is an awful feeling when you'll do ANYTHING for your loved ones and they don't reciprocate. *hugs*

HTH!!

 

[therighttime]

I get to pick the color of the dress. 1/2 are wearing mocha and 1/2 are wearing cornflower...a although technically since there are 7 then I guess it''s not 1/2 and 1/2... she said we (the ones who went with her to the store) could pick out colors and then she would tell the other 4 what to buy based on our choices.

I''m not sure how that is going to work. Aren''t bridesmaids usually arranged by height?

As far as the wrap, I''ll get one of those in whatever color dress I get. Gotta decide though... need to order tomorrow.

 

[diamondfan]

Mocha all the way...and it was great that you posed it here and thought it out before being hasty with her. I am sure it will all be great in the end...