Our three year anniversary is coming up, so that might be part of it. I''m also feeling old, even though I realize I am only 27 and he is 33.
We really do have a great relationship. We hug and kiss all of the time -- we say "I love you" 5 times a day at *least*... we are both cuddle-monsters, and are always very physically affectionate. He is the best man I have ever met -- a gentleman in every sense of the word. We''re doing quite well financially -- I recently purchased a car (got a GREAT deal on it), we have savings, we have a cat that is our "child"... Everyone treats us like we''re already married, because all our my friends truly believes we are soulmates. We can talk for hours. We don''t fight. We are very accommodating of each other, and if a disagreement comes up we talk it out.
I have a feeling part of the reason it hit quasi-breakdown level for me, though, is that I have a possibly irrational fear of pressuring him. I was engaged right after high school -- I had made it no secret that I wanted to marry him. He cared about me but really didn''t want to commit. We had been each other''s only real boyfriend/girlfriend through most of high school. Apparently he felt obligated, when I made it known that I really did want to marry him, to ask me to. He did, and I thought he did it because he actually felt the same way... but he told me later it was because he didn''t want to disappoint me. The engagement lasted about a year. Because of the baggage from that heartbreak, I felt like I had made a huge mistake by making it known that I wanted to get married. I told myself after that experience that I would never, ever pressure anyone into making a commitment, and I think I take it a bit too far -- I simply don''t talk about my wants and needs when it comes to commitment. (As far as I know I didn''t guilt-trip my high school sweetheart -- he was just a very caring and accommodating guy who hated to disappoint anyone.) But it has led to me bottling up my feelings re: commitment.
The bottle finally exploded thanks to a bottle of wine at a friend''s house -- I ended up crying because I was a bit toasted and I told my friend exactly how I felt. I truly feel he is the one for me, I feel (irrationally) that time is running out when it comes to me having children easily -- I know rationally that a woman can have a child when she''s over 40, but I always saw myself as a younger mother and would rather have my last child before I am 35. I feel that we already act like we''re married -- we have durable and full power of attorneys over each other, my insurance company covers both of us as domestic partners, we are both each other''s life insurance beneficiaries, we each have full signing powers on each other''s checking accounts, etc.... I repaired his credit while I was repairing mine... and we''ve looked at purchasing land to build a home together. And I''m frustrated at waiting. I just don''t see why we need to wait any longer. I know it''s just a piece of paper -- but it means so much more than that to me. I love him and want to call him my husband.
I know that marriage doesn''t mean that we will be together forever -- I''m divorced and so is he. But my first marriage was entered into stupidly -- I was totally bowled over that my ex, who is incredibly handsome, a doctor, who could have any woman he wanted, said he wanted me, and we hadn''t known each other long. I was in a bad place in my life, had poor self-esteem, and essentially ripe to be taken advantage of. I was. He only wanted me to get his green card. He cheated on me, started using drugs, was an alcoholic, etc.... I left him when I realized I deserved so much better than that. And I think I''ve grown up a lot since then.
My reasons for wanting to marry my man are, in my opinion, much more reasoned out than they were when I decided to marry my ex. For one, I am comfortable in who I am, I know I could survive and prosper on my own, and I know that I am worth being treated well. For two, the man I have now treats me well, respects me intellectually, has NEVER belittled or insulted me, etc. It''s been five years since my ex and I split, so I know that it''s not rebound. I respect my man, I love his mind, I love his wit, I am aware of his faults and I love them because they are part of him. I know that he loves me, even without him saying it -- he shows it. When I dislocated my kneecap about eight months ago, he cosseted me, insisted I take it slow when I wanted to start cleaning the house and doing my normal routine, went with me to every doctor''s appointment, etc. When my friends are hurt (mentally or physically), he insists on going with me to see them, to make sure I don''t over-exert myself trying to take care of them.
But he still hasn''t proposed, and because of my reticence regarding putting any type of pressure on him, I have an incredibly hard time even expressing that I truly want to get married. When I started bawling on my friend''s shoulder.... she looked at me and said "You NEED to tell him how you feel!"
So I did. We were down visiting friends because I purchased a new car a few weeks back (got a GREAT deal on it, actually) and because our work schedules didn''t allow him to come down with me to get it, we had to make a trip to pick up the old car from my mother''s house. I spent a good bit of the drive back up while I was alone trying to prepare what I was going to say, saying it all as though I was talking to him. Sometimes talking it out by myself makes it easier for me to talk it out later with a person -- as well as psychoanalyze myself and my own motivations.
I don''t know how well it necessarily went. I tried to explain why I wanted to get married, but that I absolutely did NOT want to get married if he did not want to, or that would totally negate the entire purpose. I explained I want HIM to want to marry ME. I want him to be excited at the idea of me being his wife, I want him to look forward to introducing me as his wife with pride in his voice -- "Look at this wonderful woman who agreed to be with me forever!". And I said that I was willing to wait until he truly felt that way -- but that I needed to know if he actually thought marriage was in our future or not.
He said he is proud of me, that he loves me deeply and does not want to ever be with anyone else but me. He said that when he looks at me he thinks to himself how lucky he is that he found me. (When I look at him I think how lucky *I* am to have found him!). He said he sees us growing old together, that he can''t imagine being without me, that the best times of his life are when he looks over at me sleeping next to him and knows that I am there.
But... marriage to him doesn''t mean what it means to me. In part because of his ex. His ex cheated on him and treated him horribly, and "marriage" and "wife" still have bad connotations in his mind. He said he''s also worried about money, he feels like he should be supporting me better (we are actually doing QUITE well financially), and that he''s irrationally afraid that if we get married that things will change for the worse.
How can I respond to that??? Part of me gets angry -- if he actually thinks I am going to treat him like his ex, then that offends me. But I know she scarred him horribly. However, it''s been seven years since his divorce, and I feel like he should be over it by now -- or, at least, he should trust me enough to know that I would not treat him that way. Part of me wants to go skin that beyotch alive and make her pay for the pain I''ve felt about not being able to say "This is my husband".
I asked him if there was anything I was doing that I needed to change -- he said no, that he loves me exactly the way I am. I asked him if he thought I was going to act like his ex did, and he got offended and said "Of curse not, or I wouldn''t be with you!" I asked him if the reason he was worried about money was about a ring, and he said no. I''m glad, too, because I''d marry him if he proposed with a soda-pop ring or none at all. I asked him if it was because he knew I wanted children, and he said no, that of all the women on earth I am the woman he would want to bear his children -- and we''ve already settled on having two children, at least three years apart.
He just can''t say why he doesn''t want to get married other than that for him "wife" doesn''t mean soulmate, it means "betrayer", and he''s not over that yet.
I know I have baggage, I know he has baggage... but "All God''s children''s got baggage".
Do you guys have any suggestions for me other than to wait awhile longer? If he doesn''t propose within a year, I am going to ask that we go to counseling together -- and I''m afraid that will make him angry. He hates therapists and doesn''t think they are worth the money they are paid. But if I have to wait another year, if nothing else *I* am going to need a counselor I''m afraid.
Thanks for listening... I know three years isn''t all that long in the scheme of things, but I think it''s long enough for him to know me and know I am not going to hurt him. (He rushed into his first marriage, too, just as I did.) I also tried to make it clear that I would want at least a year of engagement before marriage -- our religious beliefs both subscribe to engagement as being a trial marriage that should last at least a year.
Also... am I being unreasonable? Did I make a mistake by talking about it? I know it''s just a piece of paper, but in a way I think that should make it easier, not harder. If it''s only a piece of paper, why doesn''t he feel like he can sign the piece of paper?
*sigh*
We really do have a great relationship. We hug and kiss all of the time -- we say "I love you" 5 times a day at *least*... we are both cuddle-monsters, and are always very physically affectionate. He is the best man I have ever met -- a gentleman in every sense of the word. We''re doing quite well financially -- I recently purchased a car (got a GREAT deal on it), we have savings, we have a cat that is our "child"... Everyone treats us like we''re already married, because all our my friends truly believes we are soulmates. We can talk for hours. We don''t fight. We are very accommodating of each other, and if a disagreement comes up we talk it out.
I have a feeling part of the reason it hit quasi-breakdown level for me, though, is that I have a possibly irrational fear of pressuring him. I was engaged right after high school -- I had made it no secret that I wanted to marry him. He cared about me but really didn''t want to commit. We had been each other''s only real boyfriend/girlfriend through most of high school. Apparently he felt obligated, when I made it known that I really did want to marry him, to ask me to. He did, and I thought he did it because he actually felt the same way... but he told me later it was because he didn''t want to disappoint me. The engagement lasted about a year. Because of the baggage from that heartbreak, I felt like I had made a huge mistake by making it known that I wanted to get married. I told myself after that experience that I would never, ever pressure anyone into making a commitment, and I think I take it a bit too far -- I simply don''t talk about my wants and needs when it comes to commitment. (As far as I know I didn''t guilt-trip my high school sweetheart -- he was just a very caring and accommodating guy who hated to disappoint anyone.) But it has led to me bottling up my feelings re: commitment.
The bottle finally exploded thanks to a bottle of wine at a friend''s house -- I ended up crying because I was a bit toasted and I told my friend exactly how I felt. I truly feel he is the one for me, I feel (irrationally) that time is running out when it comes to me having children easily -- I know rationally that a woman can have a child when she''s over 40, but I always saw myself as a younger mother and would rather have my last child before I am 35. I feel that we already act like we''re married -- we have durable and full power of attorneys over each other, my insurance company covers both of us as domestic partners, we are both each other''s life insurance beneficiaries, we each have full signing powers on each other''s checking accounts, etc.... I repaired his credit while I was repairing mine... and we''ve looked at purchasing land to build a home together. And I''m frustrated at waiting. I just don''t see why we need to wait any longer. I know it''s just a piece of paper -- but it means so much more than that to me. I love him and want to call him my husband.
I know that marriage doesn''t mean that we will be together forever -- I''m divorced and so is he. But my first marriage was entered into stupidly -- I was totally bowled over that my ex, who is incredibly handsome, a doctor, who could have any woman he wanted, said he wanted me, and we hadn''t known each other long. I was in a bad place in my life, had poor self-esteem, and essentially ripe to be taken advantage of. I was. He only wanted me to get his green card. He cheated on me, started using drugs, was an alcoholic, etc.... I left him when I realized I deserved so much better than that. And I think I''ve grown up a lot since then.
My reasons for wanting to marry my man are, in my opinion, much more reasoned out than they were when I decided to marry my ex. For one, I am comfortable in who I am, I know I could survive and prosper on my own, and I know that I am worth being treated well. For two, the man I have now treats me well, respects me intellectually, has NEVER belittled or insulted me, etc. It''s been five years since my ex and I split, so I know that it''s not rebound. I respect my man, I love his mind, I love his wit, I am aware of his faults and I love them because they are part of him. I know that he loves me, even without him saying it -- he shows it. When I dislocated my kneecap about eight months ago, he cosseted me, insisted I take it slow when I wanted to start cleaning the house and doing my normal routine, went with me to every doctor''s appointment, etc. When my friends are hurt (mentally or physically), he insists on going with me to see them, to make sure I don''t over-exert myself trying to take care of them.
But he still hasn''t proposed, and because of my reticence regarding putting any type of pressure on him, I have an incredibly hard time even expressing that I truly want to get married. When I started bawling on my friend''s shoulder.... she looked at me and said "You NEED to tell him how you feel!"
So I did. We were down visiting friends because I purchased a new car a few weeks back (got a GREAT deal on it, actually) and because our work schedules didn''t allow him to come down with me to get it, we had to make a trip to pick up the old car from my mother''s house. I spent a good bit of the drive back up while I was alone trying to prepare what I was going to say, saying it all as though I was talking to him. Sometimes talking it out by myself makes it easier for me to talk it out later with a person -- as well as psychoanalyze myself and my own motivations.
I don''t know how well it necessarily went. I tried to explain why I wanted to get married, but that I absolutely did NOT want to get married if he did not want to, or that would totally negate the entire purpose. I explained I want HIM to want to marry ME. I want him to be excited at the idea of me being his wife, I want him to look forward to introducing me as his wife with pride in his voice -- "Look at this wonderful woman who agreed to be with me forever!". And I said that I was willing to wait until he truly felt that way -- but that I needed to know if he actually thought marriage was in our future or not.
He said he is proud of me, that he loves me deeply and does not want to ever be with anyone else but me. He said that when he looks at me he thinks to himself how lucky he is that he found me. (When I look at him I think how lucky *I* am to have found him!). He said he sees us growing old together, that he can''t imagine being without me, that the best times of his life are when he looks over at me sleeping next to him and knows that I am there.
But... marriage to him doesn''t mean what it means to me. In part because of his ex. His ex cheated on him and treated him horribly, and "marriage" and "wife" still have bad connotations in his mind. He said he''s also worried about money, he feels like he should be supporting me better (we are actually doing QUITE well financially), and that he''s irrationally afraid that if we get married that things will change for the worse.
How can I respond to that??? Part of me gets angry -- if he actually thinks I am going to treat him like his ex, then that offends me. But I know she scarred him horribly. However, it''s been seven years since his divorce, and I feel like he should be over it by now -- or, at least, he should trust me enough to know that I would not treat him that way. Part of me wants to go skin that beyotch alive and make her pay for the pain I''ve felt about not being able to say "This is my husband".
I asked him if there was anything I was doing that I needed to change -- he said no, that he loves me exactly the way I am. I asked him if he thought I was going to act like his ex did, and he got offended and said "Of curse not, or I wouldn''t be with you!" I asked him if the reason he was worried about money was about a ring, and he said no. I''m glad, too, because I''d marry him if he proposed with a soda-pop ring or none at all. I asked him if it was because he knew I wanted children, and he said no, that of all the women on earth I am the woman he would want to bear his children -- and we''ve already settled on having two children, at least three years apart.
He just can''t say why he doesn''t want to get married other than that for him "wife" doesn''t mean soulmate, it means "betrayer", and he''s not over that yet.
I know I have baggage, I know he has baggage... but "All God''s children''s got baggage".
Do you guys have any suggestions for me other than to wait awhile longer? If he doesn''t propose within a year, I am going to ask that we go to counseling together -- and I''m afraid that will make him angry. He hates therapists and doesn''t think they are worth the money they are paid. But if I have to wait another year, if nothing else *I* am going to need a counselor I''m afraid.
Thanks for listening... I know three years isn''t all that long in the scheme of things, but I think it''s long enough for him to know me and know I am not going to hurt him. (He rushed into his first marriage, too, just as I did.) I also tried to make it clear that I would want at least a year of engagement before marriage -- our religious beliefs both subscribe to engagement as being a trial marriage that should last at least a year.
Also... am I being unreasonable? Did I make a mistake by talking about it? I know it''s just a piece of paper, but in a way I think that should make it easier, not harder. If it''s only a piece of paper, why doesn''t he feel like he can sign the piece of paper?
*sigh*
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