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I just want my kiddos back.

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
Feeling blue about the two kiddos I've lost in the last two years. Every once in a while I'll look in at kitties at Petsmart or on Petfinder and I look and I look until suddenly it hits me. I'm looking for my own kiddos. And I'm never going to be able to find them again because they are gone. Cancer took one and FIP the other.

I look at this cat and that one and this one doesn't have the right markings and that one has too round a face. And they are perfectly lovely kitties. But they aren't mine. And I just WANT MY KIDS BACK.

And it makes me angry and sad and did I mention ANGRY?

I know it just means that I am not ready to add a new kiddo because I'm not done grieving. I haven't accepted their loss, no matter how much I've tried to.

Anyone else angry about the loss of a friend and kiddo?

It makes me want to break something or set something on fire or just beat the living hell out of something (like a punching bag, not anything living). How do you get past the anger?

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Scandinavian

Ideal_Rock
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Jan 23, 2016
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Oh Gypsy! I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know if you ever truly get over it. I still miss my first dog and it is almost 14 years since I lost her. Brings tears to my eyes just writing about it. But it does get easier over time/years. And when I bought a new dog - years later - I love her just as much and she is completely different and not a replacement. So I understand how you feel. Nothing can replace a furbaby. But I hope that one day you are ready for a new one to help heal that hole in your heart. Big hugs.
 

rainydaze

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May 1, 2007
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Aw Gypsy, I'm sorry.

I've had kitties all my life. In another thread you advised a person to let the cat pick you - well years ago that's what happened to me with my favorite feline. Saw the cutest baby tiger (3 mos old); he reached out to me through his cage. I took him out, he looked at me and I sh*t you not, he put his paw on my cheek. I simply turned and went to the desk, "Yup, we'll take him!". When I hear people talk about how awful and annoying cats are, I am so confused and stunned. And then I think it's a shame they haven't experienced what I have, and I think most of all of Musey (his name).

I don't have good advice for the grief. I know you're already probably burying your face in your other babies' fur and breathing deeply. That's about the most calming thing on the planet, for me anyway. *Hugs* from someone who understands.
 

missy

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Gypsy, I am so so sorry your little ones are gone and I understand your pain and your grief and your anger. You loved them so much that yes you are angry they are gone and that you didn't have enough time with them. It is never enough time and the pain of losing a beloved family member doesn't go away completely but it does get less intense and easier with lots and lots of time where you can remember them with more joy and happiness than sadness and tears and take peace in all the happiness and love you shared with them.

There is no sense you can make from losing a loved one. It's always too soon especially for our precious furbabies who have such a short time on this earth under the best of circumstances. This quote by Ernest Hemingway has stayed with me. A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.


And I also take heart remembering that this is the price of love. The fact that eventually our loved ones will die. And The price of love is pain of missing them when they are gone. It is the price we have to pay but the cost is worth it otherwise we would never know the love and joy that comes with having a furry family member.

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"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love. – Hilary Stanton Zunin

Big (((Hugs))) from me and my furry crew to you and yours.
 

MissGotRocks

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 23, 2005
Messages
12,176
I have lost two beloved pups over the span of many years. The first time I was so sad that I waited almost four years before even considering another. The second time I waited only a few months. The reason? I found out the first time that the only thing that I had done in those four years was to deprive myself of the love and joy of another dog. The pain never got easier and the sorrow never eased up. When I got the second dog, I realized that it could never be or replace the first but I loved everything about her - the new things she did, the energy of a young dog, the love she had to give. The second time I knew better because I knew from experience that I could love again and so it was that I was smitten with another. It never replaces the others, the pain never truly goes away but I think it helps to grow a scar over the pain so that we can move on.

Sound callous? Not really. In my mind, I knew that I was paying tribute to the two I had lost in the best way possible by opening my heart to new love and it felt so good. I am sorry for your pain; many of us have been there. Accepting that your babies are gone and at peace is the first step toward allowing yourself to love another. And you will - I think it might just be time!!
 

missy

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That is exactly how I felt and do feel MGR. We were rescuing kitties that needed rescuing and it was a loving tribute to our darling Billy.

When Billy died the grief was so intense and I knew I could never ever replace him in my heart. However a month or 2 later my dh and I rescued another and then a few months after that another and then a few months after that another. I looked at it exactly like you did. We were paying loving tribute to the wonderful life we shared with our dearest darling Billy and these 3 rescues needed our love and safe home. They were all on the chopping block so to speak and so we did what we felt to be the best thing to do and save them all. We didn't plan on rescuing 3 more cats after Billy died but they called to us and so we did. I have not regretted that decision for a second.

Gypsy, having said that we all have a different time schedule when we feel ready. You will know when it is time sweetheart. In the meantime be kind to yourself and I know with time the joy and the love you shared with your darling 2 kitties will outweigh the grief and the pain of missing them. (((HUGS))).
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jan 26, 2003
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21,073
There is no way for you to get over the anger, the pain, and the loss. Or, if there there is, no one has ever deigned to share it with me. But as others have said, something over which we have no control-the passage of time-usually lessens the impact that these things have on us each day. Which does no mean that we ever forget our babies.

Like the other posters who have shared from their hearts, I share from mine: I thought the losses of my dogs would crush me. I never went out and got another after I lost one. After my last one died, I really thought I was through having pets, that the heart can only take so much.

I hope and pray that time will help you as it has me, Gypsy. I love you.

Deb
 

Jambalaya

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Oct 2, 2014
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3,548
I'm really sorry for your pain, Gypsy. It hasn't been very long since you lost them. Give it time. When someone is really deeply special to you, I think it can take years to feel better about it.

When you feel ready, maybe a rescue cat would be a good idea. Or, perhaps helping unwanted cats. It's different because this is rabbits, but there's a rabbit sanctuary near me that looks for people who want to care for an "elder bun" - the kind that other people don't want because they're too old. Usually they have conditions that require treatment, and the sanctuary pays the vet bills, but the rabbit goes to live with a foster carer in its twilight years. It might be worth looking to see if there's a cat sanctuary near you that has a similar set-up. That way, you'd be helping a cat who no one else wanted, and it might salve your pain a little and take your mind off things, even if you don't love them in the same way as your previous cats.

I know what it's like to yearn for someone who is gone. It's awful because there's just no solution. My heart goes out to you.
 

chrono

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Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,354
I'm so very sorry, Gypsy. I've not felt anger but a great loss and emptiness which I tried to replace with another kitty but it didn't work out and I'm kitty-less again. I'm still not ready after many years and don't know when I'll be ready again. Healing takes time, so don't rush it. Take care.
 

azstonie

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Oh Gypsy, I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm glad you posted about it because the responses by our PS pet peeps are wonderful. Finn is 13 years old and the thought of losing him---I can't even. Big hugs to you.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
Gypsy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that healing takes time. I personally feel like the hole in my heart will never completely heal from the loss of my boys, but I'm hoping I learn to live with it.

I lost both of my newfoundlands, Byron and Bosun, last year. They were my "first" kiddos. Byron died back in April of GME. His battle with GME was very long and very hard, especially for him, but he was nothing short of amazing through the entire journey. The GME left him paralyzed for over a year--we did regular hydrotherapy to keep his muscles from atrophying. When he took his first steps after being paralyzed for so long I cried like a baby. I was beyond proud of him. He lost his vision shortly after, but maintained his ability to walk (we still had to help him up, but once he was up, he could walk) until the week he passed. I think of him every single day. He was truly my best friend.

We lost Bosun in December. He was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in February of last year, but we were doing a combination of experimental radiation, chemotherapy and other palliative treatments for the cancer and it was going really well. Bo was still active, still healthy, still happy. His tumors were very stable on our treatment and we were planning to throw him a 1-year-since-diagnosis party this month. One year is a big milestone with osteosarcoma. He died suddenly and peacefully in his sleep just before New Year's. His passing seemingly had nothing to do with his cancer. I was home with him (I am forever grateful for that), but I am also still very angry. I feel guilt about not giving him a proper goodbye. I'm also very angry that we fought so hard for him to have as much time as he could and it feels like he was robbed of that time.

Coming home every day is still hard for me. The house feels empty. Even though my husband and I are super busy--we work full-time, we have two young children who are full of energy and joy--my life still feels incomplete without the boys.

People often ask if we're getting another dog. I'm a long way from thinking about it. I am still very much mourning the boys and feel a strange guilt when I think of getting another dog. Like in some ways it wouldn't be respectful to them. But I'm also a dog person--I grew up with dogs and we got Byron when I was 23. So the idea of never having another dog makes me sad, too.

Anyway, all of this just to say that I completely understand and am right there with you. I wish I knew what would make it better, but I'm at a loss myself.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that the anger was very intense and a little bit unexpected with both dogs. With Byron, I was REALLY angry after he died because I felt like his final years were shitty and I hated it. I still do. With Bosun I'm still really angry because we were fighting as hard as we possibly could (again) and he died unexpectedly of something unrelated to his cancer. I feel like both of our boys were basically screwed over. The anger is very real and very intense and I'm hoping it's just part of the grieving process.
 

Bonfire

Ideal_Rock
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Feb 22, 2014
Messages
3,174
It's been 8 years since we lost our beloved fur-baby. The pain cuts deep. I think of her every day and miss her acutely.
I don't have the answer for dealing with the pain of loss. We have another fur-baby who is 9 1/2. Another loss on the horizon. Loss is part of life so is pain and it sucks!!! I feel for you Gypsy :((
 

yssie

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I'm so sorry, love :(sad

There's nothing like the pain of losing a loved one. And our furbabies are very, very loved.
::BIG HUGS::
 

telephone89

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I am very angry about mine. I used to have 3 cats. I went on vacation and my mom euthanized 2. One was older and not in the best health, and one was young and spry, but after we got dogs he mostly hid in the basement. I was so angry. I had one other cat, and he was basically my baby. All of the cats were family, but he was special. He had a thyroid condition and was on medication. One day I was getting ready for my company xmas party, and I noticed he couldn't walk. His back legs had completely given out. He was incontinent. I ended up taking him to an emergency vet who rec'd putting him down. It was the saddest day. I still went to the party (dumb) but remember the date every year. It was 5 years ago, and I still cried writing this :(
 

Queenie60

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Sep 15, 2014
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I'm sorry for your loss Gypsy - time heals and I hope that over time you can come to terms with the loss and they will be a sweet memory. I have lost a few pets over the years and continue to think of them often. I currently have 5 fur babies, two dogs and three cats. All but one have been rescues. It's my way of giving back to pet society! You will feel it in your heart when it's time to adopt a new kitty. Take care Gypsy, I wish you well. :wavey:
 

PintoBean

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Oh Gypsy ;( ;( ;(
Hugs hugs hugs {{{Gypsy}}}
 

Poodles4me

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Gypsy, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had an answer for you. You are going through the anger stage of grief. You've been hit doubly hard as you're dealing with two losses. My only recommendation is not to be hard on yourself for feeling this way. I hope it brings you some comfort to know that others understand what you are feeling. I miss my little dog, who died almost three years ago, every single day. I love my two new girls but I still grieve for my little princess.
 

House Cat

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Oh Gypsy, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Give your heart room to grieve. A new baby will be there when you are ready.
 

junebug17

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Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,175
Gypsy, I am so very sorry about the loss of your beloved furbabies and the pain you are still feeling and my heart truly goes out to you. I'm still really sad about the loss of our yellow lab and I miss the pets I had when I was growing up, even after all these years. I don't feel that much anger but it's certainly understandable to feel that way. I'm glad you posted, sometimes it's comforting to just express our feelings and get few kind and comforting words in return. I know PS has helped me in that regard. Big hugs to you, so sorry you are grieving so badly and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of comforting vibes to you. I wish I could do more.
 

kenny

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Messages
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So sorry Gypsy.
So much love and so much loss. :(sad
 

Puppmom

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Jun 25, 2007
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Oh gosh, this thread has me welling up! I'm so sorry to all of you who've lost your babies. My parents were very sort of non-chalant about our pets and didn't value them. There was a lot of rehoming, no training and just general lack of concern for our childhood pets. I could easily name 5 or 6 dogs, a few cats, some other fur babies (guinea pigs, rabbits, birds, hamsters, a skunk!) - only a few with us until death. My parents always just got rid of animals when they became a burden. :(sad I'm surprised I ended up with a sense a value for pets. And our boy is like a child to us. He's still with us and healthy (8 year old Rhodesian Ridgeback) and I still get choked up when I think about the inevitable. He's a big dog and sometimes I feel like the end is so much harder for them (unless it's sudden) because they can't be cared for as easily as a small dog or a cat.

DH's childhood dog died about 12 years ago and the entirely family was absolutely devastated. It was unexpected which made it worse but they were all zombies for months and the tears (and glasses of wine!) were flowing. DH says once Hollis goes, that's it. He can't handle another fur baby loss.
 

ecf8503

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I'm right there with you. I've lost two of mine in the past year. In fact today is the one year anniversary of the death of one. I miss him so much - he was such a special boy. Oh geez.... made me cry. Ugh. Anyway - Gypsy, please know you are not alone. It does take time, but believe it or not, even though no one can take the place of another, your heart will grow and new space will be made to love another. >^..^<
 

alexah

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Feb 14, 2004
Messages
1,216
I am so sorry, Gypsy. ;( I wish I could say something to take the pain away...

I read this article last week and thought it was a healthy way of dealing but I'm not sure I could be this strong...
Snippet:
Several years ago after the unexpected death of his dog, he decided to honor his late friend's life by adopting the "oldest, least adoptable" dog in the local shelter...

"When any pet dies, the pain can be so intense and heartbreaking that many people will try to avoid this again at all costs. But, if when a pet dies you allow another one to live in their place, it is incredibly powerful. You have both honored your fallen pet’s life and given dignity to another that probably wouldn’t have had that opportunity."

Full article:
http://news.yahoo.com/heres-live-10-senior-dogs-212326133.html
 

CJ2008

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Dec 31, 2006
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Oh, Gypsy :(sad

I am sure I'm not going to say anything that others have not already.

But I know one day the desire to help a kitty will outweigh everything else and you will be ready. And that kitty (or kitties) will be so lucky then.

Hugs Gypsy.
 

blingbunny10

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I'm so sorry, Gypsy. I don't have any words of wisdom to share, but just wanted to send hugs your way.

I've had my little guy (a happy little dachshund) in my life for just 3 years, but I already dread saying goodbye someday. He's my first and best dog (what my mother-in-law would call my "soul dog") and I can't see moving on ever. I get teary thinking about it, which upsets my husband, but I can't help it. But I also know he's brought a lot of joy and love, and I wouldn't give that up to save myself the pain of loss.

I do hope it's a comfort to remember your kitties aren't in pain and aren't suffering where they are. Of family deaths, I miss my grandfather a great deal and we lost him early, but he suffered terribly at the end from cancer and other conditions and I know that he does not have to deal with the pain and suffering anymore, and that is a comfort.
 

Madam Bijoux

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The unfairness of losing a cherished pet or friend always makes me angry. But we have to try not to let grief become a substitute for the loved ones we lost, which is one of the most difficult things in the world to do. When emotions become overwhelming, it helps to think of a happy memory of them.
 

rainydaze

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Gyps, I was thinking about you while driving today. Would it help if I started a thread for furbaby antics where we can all share the crazy, unique, wonderful stories of our furbabies? Or even start doing that here in this thread? Everyone grieves differently, but for many sharing those things you loved about your sweets with people who understand that kind of love can help ease the pain just a bit. And laughing at the antics or rejoicing in their quirky personalities of other peoples' animals.

Just a thought, anything to help because it makes me sad you're suffering. No worries if that's the worst possible idea!
 

NOYFB

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Nov 16, 2008
Messages
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I'm so sorry, Gypsy, that you're feeling this way. Losing a fur-baby is the worst thing in the world, IMHO. I feel your pain, I really do, but I can tell you that it does get easier with time. I know that may not make you feel better right now, but please know that this intense pain/anger that you're feeling won't last forever. It always helps me to look at pictures/videos of EQ and remember her in those happy times. That's when I smile and I remember that she'll be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge some day. Big hugs to you, honey, today and every day.
 
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