shape
carat
color
clarity

I just want my kiddos back.

canuk-gal

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Healing vibes across the miles, Gypsy.

Hugs.
 

Gypsy

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I am so happy I posted. I read your posts today and (only women will really understand this) had a really long good cry and just kinda sat with the emotions for a while. And I left cleansed.

I so appreciate everyone's posts. There was something wonderful in each one, and I can't thank you enough.

NEL, yours especially hit home. Because you made me understand WHY I was so angry. For two years we had the cancer cut out of her with surgeries, and then we shoved poison (type of chemo) down Hally's throat. And thank god she was a forgiving soul and wouldn't hold a grudge about it. And we racked up so many vet bills (I wouldn't take it back, but the point is we're still paying it off and it's a reminder), and I felt her fur get rougher, and though her will was indomitable, her body frailer. And that's where that anger comes from. All the hope and the prayers and the YEARS of it piling on only to lose her. I won't describe the night she died. Needless to say we literally drove 100 miles that night with her trying to save her life with her in my arms, finally getting her in an oxygen box and having her look stable, being told to go home by the vet because it looked like she'd be okay till morning, only to get a call 45 minutes later that she'd crashed and we'd missed the last 45 minutes of her life.

And then with Frodo, one day he was fine, the next he was off his food but otherwise okay. Then he was misdiagnosed and the treatment was to leave him (who was half feral and terrified of the vet and lived under my bed most of his life) at the vet overnight, which was for him a type of torture, and then following that with 2 weeks of syringe feeding him just to keep him alive. And forcing medications down his unwilling throat all the while it seemed like he lost a pound a day until he was skin and bone and the light in his eyes dimmed and his will to live was fading. All the while, AGAIN, praying, and praying and hoping and doing EVERYTHING we could to make him just SLIGHTLY better so we would just get another WEEK from him. Only to find him screaming in pain, unable to move, under my bed, when we came back from grocery shopping and grabbing some coffee. Knowing he'd probably been screaming since we'd been gone. Then literally tearing my bed apart with my bare hands just to get to him. Only to have him scream LOUDER because my very gentle touch caused him such pain. And again the prayers. And the helter skelter ride to the emergency vet in the middle of the night, holding him gingerly as he cried out his pain.

I think that's where all the anger is coming from. The process of it. The futility. Feeling like they were screwed over, and we were PARTY TO IT, that we ADDED to their pain with the treatments and the pills and the surgeries.

And clearly I am still processing that. But in both cases the WAY they went was so traumatic its like someone took a dull rusted spoon and cut out my heart piece by piece. And, yes, I tell myself that they are together (they were very close) now, and have each other and MOST IMPORTANTLY, that they aren't in pain anymore. But it only gets me so far. As do the pictures. Sometimes they help. Sometimes it just results in more anger. Deb, I love you too.

My husband and I are such opposites. As he puts it (he's a geek) when he gets really hurt he goes Vulcan-- all cold and icy and emotionless-- and when I get hurt I go Klingon-- just pure rage that wants to tear out the throats of my enemies with my teeth. And he's right.

I'm so sorry for all your losses, to everyone that replied. To NEL, whose wedding photos I still recall, with the big old dogs in attendance, to those who dread the loss of a loved one that hasn't happened, to those still processing even years after the loss. And everyone in between.

Rainy, I do think that would help. A lot. It does help to share and remember their quirks.

Again, thank you all who replied, even if it was just to offer a (much needed) hug. This has been a very cleansing thread. I'm still angry. But not so alone. Misery likes company??? Or just shared pain making it a bit easier. Much love to you all.
 

LLJsmom

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Gypsy, I am glad you posted and found that it helped. PSers are an empathetic bunch, and so many have lost their own fur babies as well. I guess the pain never really goes away. Maybe time, a lot of it, dulls it somewhat. I lost my kitty almost four years ago and I still sometimes expect to see him waiting for me when I get home. Funny how it doesn't seem to ever completely go away. I haven't allowed myself to consider another kitty. For me, just thinking about it is hard. I am one that blocks out. I completely DON'T deal. Even reading this thread was hard. I hope at some point you will be able to consider a new kitty. Until then, I hope you can forgive yourself a little bit more everyday.
 

Gypsy

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Thank you LLJSMOM. I hope so too. Thank you for your post. And thank you for reading the thread even though it was hard for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

After Hally passed we did adopt a new cat. Penny (picture below). But it was, well, I can't say it was a mistake. I love her and I am happy we rescued her. But the bonding process hasn't really been normal, and it's because we just weren't ready. She's really Whitey's cat more than either mine of John's. She's ours but in a different way than any of the others. I am hoping that changes as time passes. We've had her a year now. John wasn't ready for a new cat at the time and told me, and I was blocking it all out, and the house was too quiet so I forced the issue, ignored him, and we got brought her home.

So I'm not going to do that again. If we do get another cat, we both have to be ready for it. And we're not. I do think that we will be though. Just with time and when the right cat comes along.

penny.jpg
 

JDDN

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Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you Gypsy. Thinking about the end of your fur babies lives is torture and it's not like you enjoy thinking about it, but their importance and impact on you is so strong that it's impossible not to. I've thought of my sweet Mazie leaving us and it breaks me and I know it'll devastate my DH. I think for me the very thought of her not with us is so scary, but more than anything I'm terrified at the thought of her suffering or being alone or being scared. I'd do absolutely irrational things for her to be comfortable, safe and happy both now and at the end of her life.

My mom wasn't allowed pets when she was growing up because when she was a small child they had a cat who died and my mom cried and cried and cried. My grandma said after that she wouldn't allow them to get another cat (or other pet) because she couldn't bear to see my mom so heart broken. I think her heart was in the right place, but I feel allowing ourselves to give love and be vulnerable and care for another is just so elemental. I'm sorry this is such a tough time, sending you big hugs.
 

Gypsy

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JDDN, thank you for your post. Doing irational things for the health and safety of your kids (human or otherwise) is what parents do. It's part of the love.

I agree with you about loss. You can't protect your kids from everything. And losing someone you love IS devastating. Unfortunately, it is also a part of life.

My mother said something to me once along those lines, regarding an Ex-boyfriend, that made me scratch my head. I broke up with him and afterwards I went through a pretty deep depression for COMPLETELY unrelated reasons. But in her mom mind, I went through the depression BECAUSE of the break up (not even close, I was relieved about the break up) so afterward when I was dating my DH she told me to be careful and not fall in love "too deep" because "if you break up you'll be depressed again." I was like.... :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: Not just because it wasn't true, but because the logic eluded me.


As Missy so wisely quoted: "The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” – Hilary Stanton Zunin
 

missy

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Gypsy, that's horrible and I am so sorry you and your kitties went through all that. :cry: :cry: :cry: Hindsight is always 20/20 and you did the best you could for your sweet babies with the info you had at the time. I know how awful you feel but your kitties knew how much you loved them and they had a wonderful life with you and your dh. Better than most kitties anywhere could ever hope for and nothing could ever negate that honey. I am so sorry. Biggest (((HUGS))).
 

chrono

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You've been through so much and fought so hard, so it is understandable that there is anger behind it all at being cheated by fate or whatever else a person wants to call it. I'm so sorry, Gypsy, but I am also glad that you were able to pour it out here and feel a little better, even if for a short while.
 

MJ_Mac

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missy|1456915813|3998353 said:
Gypsy, that's horrible and I am so sorry you and your kitties went through all that. :cry: :cry: :cry: Hindsight is always 20/20 and you did the best you could for your sweet babies with the info you had at the time. I know how awful you feel but your kitties knew how much you loved them and they had a wonderful life with you and your dh. Better than most kitties anywhere could ever hope for and nothing could ever negate that honey. I am so sorry. Biggest (((HUGS))).

Missy expressed it so much better than I could have. Never doubt for a moment you were/are a wonderful mommy to your kitties and they felt your love. It's so easy to second guess our decisions after the fact, it's human nature. I cried reading your story and felt your pain. Hugs to you and I hope you start to heal soon.
 

elle_71125

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I'm so sorry for your loss Gypsy. I couldn't even get through your post without crying.

It's been 8 months since I lost my baby boy. He too had cancer but was misdiagnosed early on. I'm so resentful of the time it took for them to figure out he was really sick. I always wonder if those extra weeks could have helped save his life or even given him a fighting chance. We took him in for kitty chemo too but nothing helped. In the end, he had a reaction to a new medication and passed at home...alone. I hurt so much, when I found him. I feel so guilty that I wasn't there, when he needed me.

Only one month from diagnosis to the end. It was so fast and so heartbreaking. I'm obviously not even close to moving on. I wish I could have him back for one last cuddle. One last kiss.
I miss you Felix!
 

arkieb1

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Gypsy I wish I could give you a hug in real life. Your posts often resonate deeply with me. For many many years I didn't think I would have children, instead I had a Tonkinese called Arkie. Arkie was the mostly profoundly "in tune" pet I have ever owned. I think we both communicated and understood each other on a level I have never experienced with any of the other dogs or cats I have owned.

When he was 8 he went into kidney failure as a result of stones that were blocking the tubes going into and out of his kidneys. We have one of the best cat hospitals in Australia and back then, coincidentally the only cat kidney surgeons in the country at a cat clinic about 45 mins away from where I live. At the time of his illness Arkie was the surrogate child I had before having my real son, I spent an extremely large amount of money and put him through two surgeries which involved complex micro surgery and many weeks of hospitalisation attempting to save his life.

The surgeon involved had saved two cats doing the same surgery on the kidney tubes and it was world pioneering stuff at the time. The surgery seemed to go well but then Arkie went downhill, they performed a second surgery and once again it seemed to be going well for a few weeks, but there was another blockage and he went into renal failure again. At that point in time I brought him home to say goodbye, spent a day with him and then called my local vet who is a good friend to come to my house while I cuddled him in my lap the vet put him down.

The cat hospital and my local vet talked me into allowing them to take his body and they removed his kidneys to help complete research into why their work failed. His kidney's were preserved here and then sent over to a sister medical research centre in California who were jointly involved in pioneering the type of surgery that back then they were trialling in cats and translating into medical advancements with human patients. I got his body back and he is buried out under one of his favourite trees outside.

I feel your sadness, I feel your pain, your anger and in my case a whole world of regret for putting my best friend and companion through all of that with the slimmest glimmer of hope I might get to spend more time on this earth with him. I feel like I failed him and I failed myself. I think in my case the anger stems from a mixture of guilt that I couldn't save him, guilt that I put him through that, pain that it was such an epic failure on so many levels and a just deep and utter sadness that I can't have him here with me any more.

I got another Tonk, called Katsu, or Kat the cat as we call him, he is the photo in my avatar and he is nothing like Arkie. I think perhaps for me it was way too soon as well because I just didn't bond with him in the same way, don't get me wrong I love all of my pets but I don't think you ever replace the really special ones, the hurt decreases but I don't think you can fill that void with something else.

No doubt life is about celebrating the 8 years he was part of my family and in my case the fact that after being told I would not have children a miracle occurred and I now have a son. I wistfully look to the tree where Arkie is and would like to think that the papers they wrote here and in the US and the medical research involved later helped save people, pets and others, and there is some small comfort in that, at least.
 

Calliecake

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Gypsy,

I'm so sorry you are hurting honey. Your post broke my heart, Just in my short time on Pricescope your special bond with Hally was so obvious. Anyone reading could feel how loved she was by both you and John. I know you love all your animals. One of my all time favorite pictures posted on PriceScope is Hally sitting on your John's chest with all the other furbabies around her. I swear she was sending them all the message that she was Daddy's girl. She knew he loved them all but wanted it known that she was his little princess. I hope you can remember all the love and joy she brought you and that brings you comfort.

Hally will always be one of my favorite avitars. I smile everytime I see her sweet little face. She was loved by many of us here. One of the great things about PriceScope is so many of us feel great love for our furbabies and can empathize with how you are feeling. Hugs, hugs and more hugs Gypsy. Hally was so lucky to have you in her life.
 

AdaBeta27

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MissGotRocks|1456834994|3997788 said:
I have lost two beloved pups over the span of many years. The first time I was so sad that I waited almost four years before even considering another. The second time I waited only a few months. The reason? I found out the first time that the only thing that I had done in those four years was to deprive myself of the love and joy of another dog. The pain never got easier and the sorrow never eased up. When I got the second dog, I realized that it could never be or replace the first but I loved everything about her - the new things she did, the energy of a young dog, the love she had to give. The second time I knew better because I knew from experience that I could love again and so it was that I was smitten with another. It never replaces the others, the pain never truly goes away but I think it helps to grow a scar over the pain so that we can move on.

Sound callous? Not really. In my mind, I knew that I was paying tribute to the two I had lost in the best way possible by opening my heart to new love and it felt so good. I am sorry for your pain; many of us have been there. Accepting that your babies are gone and at peace is the first step toward allowing yourself to love another. And you will - I think it might just be time!!

That's how I look at it. "It's not about ME and my feeings. It's about CATS." My first cat moved on. I have 4 cats now. I don't look at any of them as "replacements" for the original. Cats are all unique individuals, and I love each of mine for who he or she is. There are literally 1000s of cats living in shelters and in cat rescues and in foster homes in the USA, and all of them deserve and are waiting for a forever home. Maybe I see things differently because my first cat was a secondhand cat looking for a new home because his owner had to leave him behind when she was in the military. I literally took about 60 seconds to decide to adopt him, and that was because her roommates said "We're just going to take him to the pound." Without even thinking it over, I immediately said, "Oh, don't do that! I'll take him." Cat and I were off to a rocky start for the first few weeks but we were together for 16 wonderful years. I was devastated when he died. But, I wisely brought home a shelter cat in need the very next day, and another the day after, and then took in a black cat just before Halloween because the local shelter had halted adoptions on all black cats and she would have been quietly euthanized. 4th cat must have seen the big neon sign in the sky that points the way to my house. #4 got dumped out by someone and checked out the place before declaring that this is where he belongs and he's found his heart house. They use the cat bed that belonged to my first cat, and his Turbo Scratcher, and the rest of his toys.

I could have grieved and stormed and stayed away and refused to open up to a new cat, for years, if I had chosen that. And while I was wasting time and effort on that for naught, 4 wonderful and very smart and affectionate and loyal cats could have been euthanized in a shelter. Or been hit by cars. Or had short brutal lives as ferals in the streets. Or been adopted by IDGAS owners who treat them like pieces of furniture, to be disposed of or changed as fashions and whims and convenience dictate. But, instead, they live with me, and we all just roll with whatever comes, because nobody can control or predict the future.

The ball is in your court, Gypsy. I am sure that your two deceased cats do not hold anything against you. Animals don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves, holding grudges, or worrying about tomorrow. They live for the moment. And when their time on Earth is done, they move on, leaving grieving humans behind. That's just how things are.
 

Begonia

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I'm sorry to hear the pain is back dear girl.

Those were two cool cats.
 

packrat

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I am beginning to wonder if I'm not supposed to post in this thread-I couldn't post in the dream thread either, so maybe the Fates are telling me to shut my yap?

When I had to put Bella down, I was positive I was just done. There was such an emptiness..a nothingness..a Neverending Story Nothing, that's what I would call it. One day I had an urge to look online, and the first one on the page at Petfinder was at a shelter about 45 miles away. I showed JD, he insisted I was trying to replace Bella (because she was a tortoiseshell and that's what I wanted) and to stop it. I visited her page every day for about three months, and I finally just went and got her. When I was filling out the paperwork, I noticed she had been brought in as a stray about three years before that-which was the time Bella started getting sick. There had not been any inquiries for her until I emailed. She had been in the shelter for three years, waiting for me, waiting for my heart to be ready. And I fully 100% believe that. She was home w/me for a couple days before JD noticed. He was ticked. I told him "you'll see-she's ours, she belongs here"..and one night she jumped on him on the couch and spread out, stretching her front legs out to put her paws in his beard and she just lay there, blinking at him. He stared at her and then he said to me "When did you say she was brought to the shelter?" I told him when Bella first got sick. So he says to her "Well? Are you ours? Do you claim us? Did Bella send you to us because she knew how sad we would be?" and she just kept staring and blinking at him, rubbing her paws in his beard. My wonderful Clementine Isabelle did a lot to heal my heart.

Goose Mirabelle came the following year, from the same shelter, and it was a random urge with her too. But I went to see a different cat, but she didn't click with me, and Goose did. JD was..well, quite frankly he was none to pleased with me at first. It didn't take long for him to understand how it had to be. Goose is the spazzy, dance on her tiptoes part of Bella Jo, and Clementine is the totally laid back zen part. And the Nothing has been gone for a long time.

Your Nothing will be sent away when your heart knows the time is right.
 

SparklySoprano

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I'm so sorry, Gypsy. I have always loved your avatar pic and never knew until this post that you lost your precious kiddos. It is extremely tough to lose a pet, and especially in the manner that you experienced. We've lost two and both experiences were so hard. They both were lost quite suddenly (within one month for one and within one week for the other). This time around, we rescued one shortly thereafter. He is such a happy guy and we are glad that we did it. I loved rescuing and definitely would do that again. Neither our 2nd or now our 3rd have truly replaced our former littles, but they sure helped keep our home alive.

Loss does seem unfair, and can make me feel angry, too. I let it pass through me for that moment in time and then move on as best as I can. A recent quote shared by a friend makes me smile and put things in perspective: "Life is a series of dogs." This clearly works for whatever type of pet one prefers. But, I just love that quote; it's so simple, yet profoundly true.

Sending lots of hugs and warm wishes for each day to get a little better for you.
 

Gypsy

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Thank you so much Missy. ((HUGS)) and much love.

Chrono, I'm grateful for you all letting me share it and maybe work some more toward healing. Thank you, my friend.

Thank you so much Poodles. I think I may be starting to heal a little more just through this thread. You all have been wonderfully validating and supportive. That sense of empathy, of knowing that I'm not alone is very healing because, I have felt very alone through this process. My husband is wonderful, but as I explained since we process things so differently that when we are going through the same pain like this, helping each other is high.

elle, I'm so very sorry for your loss. That sounds excruciating. Finding Frodo alive like that was bad enough, finding him already passed like you did; I am just so very sorry. ((HUGE HUGS)) And I'm sorry I made you cry.

Arkieb, Ditto on the hugs. And your posts often resonate with me too, and this one especially. Hally, Hally was a one in a million cat. She had more personality than my other 5 cats combined. Losing her was like losing 5 cats. She was front and center in our lives and bigger than life since the day we got her. One time we were looking at a bunch of 'cat shaming' pictures and by our count Hally qualifed for 7 of them, just by herself. The house without her was like a tomb the first 3 months. Every day walking in the door (she was the door greeter) our hearts would break all over again. My Duncan, who is my oldest and still, thankfully alive, is very much my soul cat and an angel. No one, not cat not human has ever disliked him. Even my Lucy who has her own room tolerates him. He's my angel and very opinionated. I can't ever imagine replacing him when its his time. I just hope its peaceful and painless. As for Frodo, I rescued him from our backyard when he was 6 weeks old. I sat outside day after day, eaten alive by mosquitoes, for two weeks with food to bribe him, feral kitten that he was, just to win his trust to get him close enough to grab. He's was youngest cat I've ever had and I socialized him from feral to tame myself, day after day for months. The way he trusted me... it was so complete. He was still shy so he spent most of his days under the bed, but he'd come out, more and more the older he got.One example of trust we don't clip their claws. And sometimes, they snag on things. While other cats would struggle and try to get their claws free Frodo would just look for one of us and go limp and relax, knowing we'd come and take care of it. And he was kitten like till the end. While with Duncan, I'm his momma, we're also very much friends and partners. With Frodo, I was always MOMMA.

So yes, the special ones. There's no replacing them. And while you can and will love again, their is a depth and feel of emotion with the special ones that you can't match. Ever.

There is just a deep chasm of sadness underneath all that angry. I know that Arkie helped the research, and I am so happy you had the comfort.

I tell myself how lucky I am that they touched my life so. And you too, you are lucky you had him. I know, oh do I know, that the pain and anger of the loss is there. But there is, on good days, a feeling of blessing that I was allowed to be their mom.

Callie, you just made me smile so wide. That's one of my favorite pictures too. She was very firm about her boundaries and Daddy was her territory first last and always and the ONLY cats she willingly shared him with were Duncan and Frodo. Duncan because he was her equal in many ways and she couldn't intimidate him and Frodo because she treated him like a littermate. Thank you so much for your post honey. And for your empathy. Much love to you.

AdaBeta, I think everyone is different and our grieving and coping processes are different. I don't know if there is a right or wrong. I am happy you found what works for you. I am still trying to find that balance myself. I hope someday I can be as certain as what is right for me as you are. I have 5 cats right now. So, I don't feel I am doing a disservice to 'cats' by not being ready for another just yet and waiting for the right time. 8)

Thank you Begonia!

Aww Packrat, what a wonderful story and perspective. I agree with you. My heart will know and will heal in its own time.

SparklyS, I'm going to ponder this: "Life is a series of cats. If you are lucky enough." I'm sorry for your losses, but I do know what you mean about keeping the house lively. While we haven't bonded to Penny as we would like to (and still may as time goes on), she's very lively and a spazz and makes us laugh often. And that does help. In those moments when she's romping with a random sock (ignoring all the cat toys) or flopping somewhere inelegantly (she's got none of the elegant grace of most cats, she just lets it all hang out), the grief retreats and there is joy that would not have been there had we not brought her home. Thank you for the wonderful post. ((HUGS))
 

Natylad

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Gypsy...
As long as I can remember my mom never cared much about pets. She loved them but for some reason she didn't want them in her house. One day,a beautiful black cat came to our garden. She seemed to be tired and hungry. My mother took her in and gave her food and water. That by itself was a huge deal, because I never expected such a reaction from my mom. In the following days, their relationship grew deeper and stronger. My mom adopted that beautiful fur baby and she took such great care of her. Lucifer (that was her name) would curl around mom's feet and caress her with her paws. She would stand on her two back feet and put her two front legs on my mom's lap,then she would start talking to her. They were looking at each other straight in the eyes and they would actually talk to each other. Their communication was impressive. This cat made my mom a much better and happier person in so many ways. I have never seen my mom happier than she was during the two years that Lucifer was living with her and my dad.
Then, one day,Lucifer went out for a "walk" in the neighborhood (that was something that she enjoyed doing very often) and she never came back. My mom and the entire family went out searching all over the area and we never found her or her body. My mother truly believes that her Lucifer is dead. She knows that she wouldn't ever leave home and her family with her own will. It was impossible. The fact that we never found her and we never had an official closure was detrimental to my mother. She never recovered from her loss and until today,many years later, she hasn't found the strength to let go and adopt a new cat.
I believe that her attitude is only making things worse for her but I understand how she feels...
My dear Gypsy...I really feel for you and I am extremely sorry for your loss. I know that nothing I say can really consolate you... I just want to say that losing a beloved pet and not having a closure is an even worse situation and I am happy that at least you got to share the last days of your kiddos with them and you got to hold them in your arms for one last time. It is important. Hugs...
 

NewEnglandLady

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Gypsy, your descriptions of force feeding Hallie and the desperation you felt to do ANYTHING to save her life really hit home with me. The story about Frodo screaming in pain and the unexplainable guilt you feel when you're trying to help and they scream in pain made me cry. I can completely relate to both. And to be honest, those are feelings I've pushed down for a long time now because it's painful to remember. But it's also oddly cathartic to talk with somebody who understands the lengths you'll go (emotionally, physically, financially) to save your pet's life.

The disease that killed Byron was an auto-immune disease, so we had to keep his immune system suppressed in order to keep him alive (until he developed another disease from the medications that was more life-threatening than the auto immune disease). Anyway, he endured a couple of infections during that time that sent him to what is essentially doggy ICU. I remember driving to the hospital late at night with any food he would find appetizing and then having to force feed him while the doctors and nurses watched...I hated to cry because I knew Byron would want to comfort me, so I would look away while the tears ran down my face. I almost let go at that point. Later, when he did pass (about 4 years after this), it was because we couldn't stop the auto-immune disease that was attacking his spinal cord. The day before he passed was probably the worst of my life...he had lost all bowel and bladder function because the disease was spreading up his spine. His neurologist wasn't on call until the next day and Byron was in so much pain that when I would try to help him up he would scream (and Byron was the most stoic dog I'd ever met, so for him to scream was awful). I remember that Bo had a ton of pain meds because he'd just been diagnosed with bone cancer. I gave Byron a bunch of Bo's pain meds and I just laid next to him in his own excrement and cried so hard I vomitted. I knew there was nothing left to do. And I felt so bad about his pain and quality of life. And I was so angry that such a wonderful dog had to endure so much. And we had fought for so long and so hard that I had a hard time grappling with the idea of giving up. I'd never felt so helpless. He laid his head on me while I screamed and cried and was ill and I kept telling him "I'm sorry" "I'm sorry". I honestly felt like I was losing a child.

I've been babbling long enough (sorry the flood gates are open), so I won't talk about Bo, but that was also very hard in a different way. He wasn't in as much pain or as helpless as Byron, but he was on chemo every other day and that had its own set of challenges and guilt.

Thank you for posting about this. Reading about your experience has actually been really helpful for me. I'm not sure how to deal with it, either, and in many ways I'm not sure if people really understand. I still talk to my boys every day. And we keep their ashes in our living room...having them close to me actually helps me. I still can't look at pictures often. I haven't watched any videos, though I hope one day I can. I have talked with my doctor about being put on an anti-depressant. I miss them so much and that's not a void that can be filled.

Thinking of you lots.

Edit: I keep this picture on my desk at work. It's spiritual to me...I feel like they're both looking out to something beyond this world. I hope they're both somewhere wonderful together. I think about seeing them one day, but I also hope they're in a place that's beyond anything I deserve. They deserve the best any world has to offer them.

byron_and_bobo.jpg
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,385
I'm so sorry to read about the heartbreak so many of you have suffered. :((

Unfortunately, we outlive many of our loved ones, whether they're humans or animals. Its understandable that we never again want to endure such pain. But, as many have written, there can come a time when we find our hearts opening once more and connecting with another creature. The loved one who has pasted is never replaced. But love is not a finite resource. If we can improve the life of another animal by providing it with a loving home, that's wonderful. And our lives will be enriched as well. But if and when we get another animal is a very personal decision, with no set timeframe. And when the pain of loss is fresh, the thought of getting another pet can seem like a betrayal and cause guilt. Unjustified feelings, but understandable.

I think Missy said something similar to what my Mother told me when I was struggling with a decision regarding my children; make the best decision you can with what you know at the time. Of course, there are things we'd do differently if we could go back in time; but that's not possible, so try to show yourself some compassion and try to let go of the guilt.

I'll confess to saying the 'No more pets' line, because I didn't want to get attached to an animal and then face the inevitable pain dealing with their passing. I had a dog and cat who passed within a year of each other. I'd had my dog since she was 8 weeks, and she was a quiet, gentle, happy creature with the kind eyes of an old soul. My cat, who lived to be over 20 years old, was also very special with a gentle nature.

Having children, and being an animal lover, we did end up with more pets of various kinds. Although never another dog. If I could have my dog back, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that's not possible.

Ugh. I didn't mean to start rambling about my own experience, and thinking about my dog and cat is (apparently) still an emotional topic. I don't know if I should confess this, but its been almost 30 years since I lost them. I don't want to scare anyone into thinking the heartbreak will last for decades. I just miss them. I used to take my dog out for a run three times a day; first thing in the morning, right after work, and last thing at night. She was a big part of my life; a calm, gentle part.

Anyway, I just want to send comforting hugs to each of you.

I hope that, with time, the fond memories of your loved one will help ease the heartbreak and bring a smile to your face.

Big hugs.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,225
Naty-- that's so hard, the lack of closure. My first cat, Kitty, when I was 12 never came back one day after we let him out. All of my cats are indoor now. I'm sorry for you and your mom's loss. And thank you so much for your post. I did get to hold Frodo one last time. And that was huge. ((HUGS))

NEL. I wish we could have lunch and just talk for a while. Huge hugs, and though I am sorry to have made you cry, I am happy that talking about this has been cathartic for you too. So much of your story hit home for me. That feeling of utter helplessness when you realize there's nothing left and what you have to do. As we were tearing apart the bed to get to Frodo my husband said something, I don't remember what now, about tomorrow and I had to look at him and say "there isn't going to be tomorrow. This is it." And I watched the realization sink into him. I sent him from the room then to get some pain super strong medication we had (also from one of our other kids) to give to Frodo while I dug him the rest of the way out. I don't know how many times I said I was sorry to Frodo. To Hally. Now I'm crying too. It does feel like losing a child, and that is hard for many people to understand. Chemo does have it's own challenges and guilt, just like say. And I too talk to my kiddos all the time. Last night in the middle of the night I was up and walking around, and in the dim light Jack scuttled across the room in a furtive way. And I thought it was Frodo. And my heart just welled up, until I realized the truth. Anti-depressants can be remarkably helpful. I think it's a good discussion to have to see if there is one that's right for you. Personally though, I recommend that if you do decide to go with one, instead of your family practitioner, you go to a specialist. There are so many of the drugs out there and the nuances of what might be right for one person, and not for another person are difficult to navigate. You want to make sure that the person you are working with has the expertise to tailor the medication to you specifically. I love that picture of your boys. And I see the same thing you do. And have the same hopes for my Hally and Frodo. That Hally, the big sister, welcomed him to his new life, and is taking care of him and bossing him around until I can join them later, when it is my time.


December-fire, please talk about your experiences if it helps you. That's part of the point of this thread I think as it evolves, sharing that pain and loss and hopefully finding some peace through the process of it. Whether it's been 30 days or 30 weeks, or 30 years. I am happy you have those happy clam gentle memories, and so sorry for your loss. Many hugs.
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,385
Gypsy,

Thank you so much for your kind, supportive words. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I was surprised at my emotions given that its been so long since my special dog and cat passed away. It just shows that loved ones (people or animals) never truly leave us. Their imprint remains on our hearts. That's a good thing. It reflects the strength and enduring impact of the positive bond and joy that was brought into our lives.

I noted that this thread has prompted a new thread about the funny things done by our furry guys. That's wonderful! I foresee even more hours I'll be spending on PS chuckling as I read those posts!

Sending many hugs
 
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