I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our wedding!

[kenny]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'm sorry you are feeling this way--but as others have said, stop and take a deep breath.
You will get through this and be married. The wedding is a only few hours of your lifetime together.
Control the things you can control and let the rest go.

As far as the rehearsal dinner--You and your fiancee should have had this discussion, as part of your wedding planning, with his parents (or yours) prior to any communication from your parents. And however well-intentioned, your parents should not have communicated directly to his parents without going through you and your fiancé. That, to me, was probably perceived as trying to force them to pay for something they clearly did not volunteer for.

My bigger concern is that will have a relationship with your in laws for many, many years. And they will be the grandparents of any children you may have. Navigate this relationship carefully and respectfully, while recognizing that ultimately it is your Fiance/husbands responsibility to manage the relationship with his parents. Any problems/issues---HE needs to handle with them. Let him be the conduit, especially since there are clearly some issues with his dad and brother.

Other than that---please remember to take no offense when none is intended. Clearly your family is different than his family--that is something you will be dealing with forever. Accept it and try to find a way to peacefully coexist.
Best of luck and hope you enjoy your wedding---this is all really small stuff!

IOW, shut up because the family is what matters.
You don't.

I could not disagree more.
When people suck eliminate them from your life, family member or not.

 

[shaggy1]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

IOW, shut up because the family is what matters.
You don't.

I could not disagree more.
When people suck eliminate them from your life, family member or not.

I think it's debatable if his family sucks or if the bride is being overly sensitive and overly demanding.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'm sorry you're experiancing so musch stress over this. But the best advice I ever recieved on this topic was to ask a serries of questions 'Will I care about this in 3 months time? Will I care about this in 1 years time? Will I still care about it in 5 years time?'. If the answer is no then it is better to just have a glass of wine and refocus your energy on something more positive. Maybe you could ask someone you trust to run interferance on the actual wedding day so if there are any further problems then someone who is less emotionally invested can handle them appropriately.

 

[madelise]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

is this serious?

 

[missy]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wildcat, I'm sorry you are dealing with this and in a perfect world your wedding day and the events leading up to it would be a happy joyous time filled with love and excitement as you plan to spend the rest of your lives together. And I feel for you because this experience isn't what you hoped it would be. I subscribe to the school of thought to control what you can and let the rest of it go and focus on the 2 of you.

You are marrying the love of your life and the rest of it ah, not so important. I am not going to go into the details of what we went through before the wedding day suffice to say it all turned out great despite family (in-law) drama and we had the best time at our wedding. Why? Because we were so thrilled to be marrying each other and that is all that really mattered. We knew we were just dealing with a taste of real life and in this was a walk in the park compared to life in general and the stressful experiences that ultimately we all experience. It is all about perspective. Focus on what is important and what you can control and don't let any of the other noise and garbage aggravate you or distract you from that.

Just want to add when we got married the owner of the venue who was on site making sure everything went smoothly said to me right before the ceremony that I was the calmest and coolest bride he has ever seen. And that is exactly how I was the day of the wedding. I was so happy to be marrying the love of my life that everything else just didn't even register. All I remember of that day was that we had the best time and we danced the night away laughing and eating and just celebrating with our loved ones.

Wishing you and your FI all the best and I hope your wedding day is as beautiful and wonderful as you hope it to be and wishing you a happy and healthy life together. And of course a blingy one too.

I know this is a tangent, but some of these wedding experiences would be unbelievable if they were in a book or movie! Truth is stranger than fiction, even for PS'ers. I feel for all of you who had to go through something like that.

I would read that book.

 

[wildcat03]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

For what it's worth the rehearsal dinner discussion, which everyone seems to have latched onto, was really parenthetical to the rest of it. Perhaps my parents were out of line in calling his. I will say that I have watched my parents navigate social relationships, friendships, and in-laws quite well over the last 35 years. They have an excellent relationship with my sisters in laws and get along pretty seamlessly with them. They had good relationships with both of their parents/in-laws that, again, was pretty seamless.

The rest of the situation has devolved considerably at this point. My parents were flying into town next weekend to meet my in-laws (our moms have met, no one else has) and my in-laws are refusing to go to dinner. This is the second time they have cancelled meeting my parents. My future father in law is threatening not to attend the wedding. My future MIL says she won't go if he doesn't go, which makes me sad for her because she is pretty stuck in the middle on this one. This is all over a business deal that my FI brought his dad. The deal itself went quite well, but has resulted in a disagreement between FI and his father. One of my future brothers in law is saying he might not attend. At the end of the day, they are all adults and can make up their own minds. There's nothing I can do to change or control them.

I recognize this is only the beginning and plan to read the book suggested above. Thanks for the advice and the reality checks.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

^^^ to the above about them threatening not to come to the wedding, that's their loss. I have a feeling they're doing that to get a rise out of you so I wouldn't play into it. "Oh sorry to hear that..."

 

[kenny]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

IOW, shut up because the family is what matters.
You don't.

I could not disagree more.
When people suck eliminate them from your life, family member or not.

I think it's debatable if his family sucks or if the bride is being overly sensitive and overly demanding.

She gets to make the call.
It's her life.
If the groom considers her call to be a deal breaker for him, she gets to decide whether to go through with the wedding.

It's nobody's business to label her overly sensitive and overly demanding.
This is 100% HER business.

I just strongly oppose people thinking they are powerless against family members.
ALL relationships are optional.
We should all take care of ourselves.
When someone is toxic end the relationship.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wildcat,

I totally get that you have certain expectations based on your parents relationships with their other in laws. I appreciate that. But you need to throw those exceptatiions away. Seriously. My MIL is a lovely woman, my mother and she met once before our wedding. Never call or talk to one another: they are just too different. We have great relationsips with both mothers. But they have no relationship with one another: AND THERE IS NO REASON THEY SHOULD. My MIL is very close with a few the other in laws through my husbands's siblings. But only those she has something in common with. There is no reason for more.

So just tell your parents to not pursue any further realationship with you future in laws at this time, and 1/2 your problems disappear. They are complicating an already difficult situation with their presence, so take them out of the equation. They have no reason to be involved with any in law drama right now.

In an ideal world everyone would get a long and be one big extended family. This not an ideal world. And that is all there is to it.

I disagree with Kenny on one major point though. You cannot unilaterally decide to cut you in laws out of your life.

I cut my own father out of my life while I was wedding planning. He was toxic, and it was hard, but I have never regretted it But, it was MY father. Not my in laws. So it was my decision to make.

But my in laws? Not my decision to make because it would be a betrayal of my relationship with DH. They are his relations and if I do not like them then that is fine. I can limit my interactions with them, I can (and do) decide not to let anything bother me that they say or do.... Except as it bothers him. Even if they are rude to my DH, my role is a supportive one to my husband only.

That, again is reality. Short of my in laws specifically attacking me or my marriage (never happened) I would never make him choose between me and his family. Crazy as they are. I am perfectly able to control how much I let their crazy affect me, and that is good enough. He does the same thing with my family. It works.

Regarding the rest of the drama: out of your control. Your FI owns those relationships and it is HIS job to decide what to do there. All you can do is advise him and support him. Unless and until you or your relationship with FI are directly threatened.

 

[shaggy1]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

[quote="shaggy1|1473490067|
I think it's debatable if his family sucks or if the bride is being overly sensitive and overly demanding.

She gets to make the call.
It's her life.
If the groom considers her call to be a deal breaker for him, she gets to decide whether to go through with the wedding.

It's nobody's business to label her overly sensitive and overly demanding.
This is 100% HER business.
.[/quote]

But she didn't keep it her business when she posted on this forum.

There's been nothing particularly hateful about her in-laws, other than not wanting to pay for their son's second wedding.

 

[wildcat03]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

[quote="shaggy1|1473490067|
I think it's debatable if his family sucks or if the bride is being overly sensitive and overly demanding.

She gets to make the call.
It's her life.
If the groom considers her call to be a deal breaker for him, she gets to decide whether to go through with the wedding.

It's nobody's business to label her overly sensitive and overly demanding.
This is 100% HER business.
.

But she didn't keep it her business when she posted on this forum.

There's been nothing particularly hateful about her in-laws, other than not wanting to pay for their son's second wedding.[/quote]
First, no one's calling off this wedding. Both fi and I are very happy and we are, above all else, a team. We get over life's hurdles together, and will do so with this. I am not and have never asked fi to cut his family off, nor would I.

Second, I'd just like to point out what I said in my first post, which is that fi's father called their mutual business contacts (who are also fi's clients - one of the sources of our income) and told them (falsely) that he had been uninvited to the wedding. That is mean, spiteful, and hateful. Say what you want about the rehearsal dinner (maybe I was being a little spoiled there...it wouldn't be the first time, probably won't be the last), but to mess with fi's livelihood IS unacceptable and hateful.

 

[december-fire]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

...

I know this is a tangent, but some of these wedding experiences would be unbelievable if they were in a book or movie! Truth is stranger than fiction, even for PS'ers. I feel for all of you who had to go through something like that.

I would read that book.

Missy, I bet lots of us would not only read that book but also be able to contribute a chapter or two!

WildCat,

Intentions don't always equal perceptions.

I'm not saying or suggesting this reflects the reality of this situation, I just want to give an example as a way of explaining what I mean:

The future in-laws, when considering a rehearsal dinner location, might have thought 'Oh, the food and service was great at the location of the previous rehearsal dinner we hosted for DS! We should use that location again knowing that everything will be lovely!'

Although the future in-laws had good intentions, the perception of their actions was unfavourable based on the link you made to the first marriage.

Probably a bad example. Maybe I should just use the quote 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'.

You came here to vent. We all need to do that from time to time. My comments above are made in the hope that it might help provide a different interpretation of situations moving forward.

It took me decades to learn some of the suggestions that have been made to you. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to ensure everyone was happy and everything went smoothly. I'm learning that I'm not responsible for all the other adults in the world.

I wish you and your future DH a lovely wedding day and, more importantly, a wonderful marriage.

By the way, I don't think weddings are legal without some drama either in the planning, the day of, or during the post-wedding fall-out.

Now I'm off to start writing my contribution to the book of 'True Unbelievable Wedding Drama'.

Just saw your post, WildCat. If your DH was informed of your FI's comments about being 'uninvited' directly from the client, and your DH responded with a 'Oh, that's odd. I'd never do such a thing.', then the FIL's actions reflect only upon himself. If your DH responded with a rant and rage about his dad, which I'm betting he didn't, then that should be the only time that there is a negative reflection on your DH.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wildcat, I hope your wedding goes off without a hitch and you can put all this behind you. I get why you find all of this stressful and annoying. I would too. It's just drama and every family has it in one form or another. I hope you can focus on your new life with your husband and only hold on to the good.

It sounds like your IL will probably not be the easiest. I don't agree with Kenny that we should just get rid of all the troublesome people in our lives. We would all be very lonely if we did that and sometimes our own reactions cause others to find us irritating. Maybe learning to get a long makes us grow a little and be kinder to others along the way. At least I hope so.

 

[PintoBean]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'm sorry everything is shitty right now. Whenever things would get shitty, I'd imagine myself waving one of these in front of people's faces dancing around the room. Maybe get 2 of these and you and your Fi have a dance party at the end of each day to let out some frustration, or wave it silently at the phone when you're family members say something shitty.
https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Large-Foam-Middle-Finger/dp/B00BR40N78

I might order a couple myself - why imagine myself holding one when I can wave it at the phone whenever a meeting gets too intense at work .

 

[arkieb1]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'd say there would be a few of us who could fill a book or more about how nasty, disagreeable, narcissistic and downright kooky some of our in-laws and in some cases members of our own families are. I hope that you have a beautiful wedding, if they choose to talk s@$* about you or your husband or throw adult tants and decide not to go it's totally on them not on you.

 

[kenny]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I don't agree with Kenny that we should just get rid of all the troublesome people in our lives.

Huh? I didn't say that.

Here we go ... I don't agree with luv2sparkle that we should kill cute little furry kittens by dropping them, live, into boiling oil.





Not too cool to distort and twist what others say to make them look bad.

 

[missy]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Kenny, I think I get what you were saying and I agree. We do have the power for the most part to control who is in our lives and who we just cannot have in our lives anymore due to their toxicity to our well being. We should all take care of ourselves and we do have the power to do just that. I agree that relationships are pretty much all optional.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat. just wanted to say that I 100% "get" what you were trying to say here and we are here for you when you need to vent! I agree that you future FIL is acting like a jerk, probably because he is one. I know because you love your fiance that you'd like for there to be peace among the families through the wedding, but with the latest thing of him refusing to go out to dinner to meet your parents, I honestly would hope he just disappears, stops the drama (as in, expect zero from him), and doesn't even come to the wedding if he is determined to hold things against his son and ruin the wedding because of that. I feel sorry for the embarrassment that will cause his wife, and I just hope she can overcome pressure from him and come to the wedding alone.

I don't think you are overreacting. I think this behavior of the future FIL is totally out of line. I hope your fiance has learned a lesson and will NEVER do a business deal with his father again.

However, in laws bringing dogs to the wedding and a family member shooting up drugs during the wedding are the damnedest things I have ever heard regarding a wedding!!! Reflect on the fact that the level of crazy you are dealing with is a couple of steps lower than these.

 

[Tekate]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wildcat I understand mean spirited inlaws.. Years ago my husband was diagnosed with a dermofibrosarcoma, he called to tell his parents, his mom answered and he started telling her and she said she couldn't speak right then because she was playing bridge! ha! ha! she never called back. yet, most people thought she was a wonderful, sweet, kind and loving human.. she put herself first always in a kind way.. I never respected the inlaws after that (not that I did before but it became granite after that).. so how did I handle 20+ years of grandma being less than caring? I ignored her.. my husband is a wonderful man and his parents were (one down one to go ) were cheap, self interested, haughty people who got away with these antics with "that's the way they are" "oh they really love hubby but they are busy" "they are a different generation" etc. My parents, who lived 11 hours away in FL came up the next day and stayed with my sons while he was operated on and they came for the 2nd operation also as the margins weren't quite clear.

Don't let them get to you.. love your guy and your future life. You deserve it

 

[Arcadian]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

so I read through the entire thread. and yep, sounds like the inlaws are trying to ruin your wedding to me.

First things first. You and your intended should have a united front. Talk about the 800lb elephant in the room and face it together, then move on from it and don't let it ruin your wedding. FIL said he's uninvited. Then uninvite him and move forward. If his mother says she's gonna stand by her man, so be it. Its been said before but I'm going to say it again. You can't control them, but you can control how you react to them. That includes his brother.

Anyway I think you're getting some tough love but its coming from a good place. This is a very emotional and trying time for you, and I think some of that tough love feels like an attack. I don't think its coming from a bad place though you may feel differently.

I hate weddings so much I didn't have one because they sometimes bring out the worst in people. A trip to the courthouse did the deed and we had a hell of a party afterwards.

But you ARE having a wedding, which comes with its own unintended stuff, so to speak. You're marrying this man, and basically his family. My only advice is to be sure that you talk everything through very honestly and together nip it in the bud before it becomes a wedge between you and he.

He needs to NOT to business with his father anymore considering how this is going down.

I'm sorry you're going through all this craziness.. Maybe y'all should just elope...

 

[wildcat03]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat. just wanted to say that I 100% "get" what you were trying to say here and we are here for you when you need to vent! I agree that you future FIL is acting like a jerk, probably because he is one. I know because you love your fiance that you'd like for there to be peace among the families through the wedding, but with the latest thing of him refusing to go out to dinner to meet your parents, I honestly would hope he just disappears, stops the drama (as in, expect zero from him), and doesn't even come to the wedding if he is determined to hold things against his son and ruin the wedding because of that. I feel sorry for the embarrassment that will cause his wife, and I just hope she can overcome pressure from him and come to the wedding alone.

I don't think you are overreacting. I think this behavior of the future FIL is totally out of line. I hope your fiance has learned a lesson and will NEVER do a business deal with his father again.

However, in laws bringing dogs to the wedding and a family member shooting up drugs during the wedding are the damnedest things I have ever heard regarding a wedding!!! Reflect on the fact that the level of crazy you are dealing with is a couple of steps lower than these.

I appreciate what you've said, and definitely NO business entanglement for those two ever again. We passed on a big deal a few months ago and are now breathing a sigh of relief that we dodged that bullet!!!

I'm hopeful that there will be no dogs or heroin at my wedding, but I guess you never know!!!

I appreciate your support, DS. I also appreciate the constructive criticism and suggestions others made. I wallowed a bit on Friday, I worked Saturday and then spent today hanging out at home with my love as he recovered from his (exceptionally tame) bachelor party. I don't think I realized what I was taking on when I planned a wedding, but with 6 weeks to go I'm not going to cancel/change it now. Our photographer just sent us over our engagement photos and they are so beautifully done, and she is so fun to work with. FI has a brand new suit and I can't wait to see him all dressed up in it. So there's the big thing (marrying this amazing man) and some little things to look forward to.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Well, I hope the next 6 weeks can be a busy but happy time for you! Don't let that family steal your joy! Thankfully your parents will help pick up the tab if they back out. Just brace yourself for it just in case.

Please come back and update us, but I am hoping it will mostly be to tell us about what a wonderful wedding day you had!!!

 

[wildcat03]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Just thought I'd update here. My wedding was absolutely amazing. The day was perfect and flew by and I could not have been happier. The rehearsal dinner was lovely. My MIL made really cute white chocolate favors and clearly had put a lot of thought into it. My father-in-law did not upset my husband. Both of my brothers-in-law made it to the rehearsal dinner, which was really unexpected as one had been out of the country for much of the last 6 weeks and the other is in the military. The day of our wedding was amazing, too. I loved watching our friends and family come together and meet each other - it was so fun to watch friends and family from different parts of our lives meet and then genuinely like each other. My mother-in-law has said over and over what a great time she had and how she wishes we could do it again. I, on the other hand, am grateful that my bank account now gets a break! We are settling into married life nicely and looking forward to our December honeymoon.

 

[mary poppins]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wow, glad to hear everything worked out well with your DH's family and so much better than expected when you first started this thread. Best wishes for a wonderful future together! I'd love to see some pictures of your special day if you would like to share.

 

[msop04]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat, I've been following this thread from the beginning, and I am so glad everything went wonderfully and you had an amazing wedding! I know you were so very stressed about it... Congratulations and best wishes for a happy, loving, and long life together!

 

[msop04]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'm sorry everything is shitty right now. Whenever things would get shitty, I'd imagine myself waving one of these in front of people's faces dancing around the room. Maybe get 2 of these and you and your Fi have a dance party at the end of each day to let out some frustration, or wave it silently at the phone when you're family members say something shitty.
https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Large-Foam-Middle-Finger/dp/B00BR40N78

I might order a couple myself - why imagine myself holding one when I can wave it at the phone whenever a meeting gets too intense at work .

This is hilarious, Pinto! I wanted to add the Dammit Doll... it won't erase your problems, but if you curse at it and throw it around, sometimes it'll take the edge off and maybe even provide some comic relief!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00NPDOHS0/ref=pd_sim_21_7?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=V9DZKBGV2B0F8ZT1MBZQ

what the hell... buy a set!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00G05DYTI/ref=pd_sim_21_13?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=8E3F53QYK5E8C376NVWP

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wildcat, I've been following this thread and am happy to learn that everything worked out beautifully for your wedding day. I thought I had posted before, but just wanted to say that having a united front when dealing with family is excellent advice. Congratulations to both of you on your recent wedding!

 

[Queenie60]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Congratulations on your marriage. Glad that everything went well. Wishing you many years of happiness.

 

[AnnaH]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Thanks for the update. So glad your day was special. Congrats!

 

[Yimmers]

Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

That was quite a ride, having read through this thread, the comments, and the final outcome.

Wedding planning is an extremely stressful and emotional time. I'm sorry that you felt that way and am happy to hear that your wedding day turned out well. You may have other major events in your future which will be just as stressful and emotion. So, I just offer something to consider about for the future.

Couple's therapy - it's never too early to start. I have my own personal situation involving in-laws which have left me very uncomfortable whenever I'm around them. DH considers family to be important, so he initially took my offer to stay away from family events with them as unacceptable. We're in counseling, and are working on these issues. If you both decide that you want to have his family in your lives, and you foresee issues with FIL to come up again in the future, it may be a good idea to consider discussing how to handle issues like these. You will be much happier and better equipped to deal with it. Note, I say couple's therapy, because ultimately, while my husband will have to do the hard talk with his family, he is able to understand my perspective and extreme discomfort and I can hopefully feel comfortable enough at some point to be around my in laws. Similarly, your husband will have to be the one who deals with his father, and it will be far easier if you have a united consensus about how to approach him and deal with the reaction.

Have a happy honeymoon!