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I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our wedding!

wildcat03

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I know this probably isn't the place, but I just need to vent. I've never been that girl who dreamed of her wedding all her life, but when fi and I decided to get married I wanted to make it a special event. After talking to our families, we decided to keep it small - about 70 invites. My parents (my mom specifically) have been great. They offered us a very generous gift that is covering about 1/3 of the cost. We are covering the rest. I've planned a really nice wedding. Nothing crazy, but nice. And it's a bit more expensive than I'd like, but still very reasonable.

My future in-laws have been...not so great. My future FIL is a notorious cheapskate. So, after a couple months went by without them saying anything, my parents called and asked if they were going to host a rehearsal dinner (because they were going to if my future in-laws didn't). I guess that embarrassed them into offering, because they did. Then they asked if we could have it 15 miles from my venue (when most of the guests are from out of town and nothing else for the weekend requires a car) AT THE SAME PLACE MY FIANCÉ HAD HIS REHEARSAL DINNER FOR HIS FIRST MARRIAGE. Finally we settled on a restaurant closer to the venue and with no ties to the past. It seemed everything was calm.

Now, with 6 weeks to go, all hell has broken loose all over again. My future FIL is being a jerk about a business deal that both he and my fiancé were involved in. At some point, future FIL actually CALLED some of their mutual business connections and told him that fi had "un-invited" him to the wedding (this is entirely untrue). Fi was originally very upset but has since (on his own) re-centered his thinking and has apologized for some things he's said and told his father that he doesn't care about the business deal, he just wants to make sure we have a nice, peaceful wedding. His father did not accept his apology, and I feel this bodes poorly for the peaceful, happy wedding day I was hoping for.

Apparently, my fiancé's younger brother is saying he might not come to the wedding because he hasn't heard from us much (which is true, but it's not like he's called or anything). Frankly, I don't REALLY care if he comes or not, but I do think it's somewhat amusing as we just spent an hour last weekend picking out readings we were going to ask fi's brothers to do at the wedding. We just hadn't called them yet because the same brother who is saying he might not come is out of the country and we were waiting until he was back!

Fi's mother is just very emotional and I fear that if this kind of behavior continues, she's going to be a sobbing mess our entire wedding day. Which is especially hilarious because she was having trouble finding a dress but found something in black she liked and I told her that I did not care if she wore black, I knew she wasn't "mourning" me marrying her son. So, I guess she'll be a sobbing mess in black...
 

CJ2008

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat :blackeye:

Sorry to hear you're dealing with all of this when it should be a fun and exciting and happy time.

And this is actually the *perfect* place to vent! :bigsmile:

ETA I should add, based on my own planning and what I've heard people say time and time again, remember that weddings bring out the worst in everyone. Including ourselves sometimes, even when we don't realize it. (not saying this because I thought there was anything in your post that indicated this about you/your FI - but it's just more fair to say that it applies to everyone. We focus so much on what *WE* want - and understandably, it's a big, special day - that we don't always realize other people will never care about our wedding to the degree that we do. Cold, and sad, but true.)
 

Scandinavian

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I fell for you! But please try to remember that only two people are actually required to show up and that it *will* be a perfect wedding as long as you both say "yes" :)

I hope you can have a great day after all and that you FI will deal with his family - never a good idea to try to change your in-laws - that is your FI/DH's job ;-)

Many hugs and best wishes!
 

wildcat03

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

CJ2008|1473436876|4074602 said:
wildcat :blackeye:

Sorry to hear you're dealing with all of this when it should be a fun and exciting and happy time.

And this is actually the *perfect* place to vent! :bigsmile:

ETA I should add, based on my own planning and what I've heard people say time and time again, remember that weddings bring out the worst in everyone. Including ourselves sometimes, even when we don't realize it. (not saying this because I thought there was anything in your post that indicated this about you/your FI - but it's just more fair to say that it applies to everyone. We focus so much on what *WE* want - and understandably, it's a big, special day - that we don't always realize other people will never care about our wedding to the degree that we do. Cold, and sad, but true.)
So true. Although I will say that it seems to have brought in the best in my sister and mother. Especially my mother. She's even told me that if my future in-laws cancel the rehearsal dinner that she and my dad will host one. The sad part is that I think my fi's mother really does care. She has told him over and over again that she wants a relationship with me. I like her but I struggle with relating to her because we are so different.

But your perspective is helpful. And the most important part of the day is that we will be married. Despite his family's antics, my fi is the most loving, loyal person I could have ever hoped to meet. He is my rock and I'm so glad we get to build a life together.
 

CJ2008

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Scandinavian|1473438651|4074615 said:
I fell for you! But please try to remember that only two people are actually required to show up and that it *will* be a perfect wedding as long as you both say "yes" :)

I hope you can have a great day after all and that you FI will deal with his family - never a good idea to try to change your in-laws - that is your FI/DH's job ;-)

Many hugs and best wishes!
scandi

Please stop showing up immediately after me and giving way better advice. ::)
 

CJ2008

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat03|1473439651|4074619 said:
CJ2008|1473436876|4074602 said:
wildcat :blackeye:

Sorry to hear you're dealing with all of this when it should be a fun and exciting and happy time.

And this is actually the *perfect* place to vent! :bigsmile:

ETA I should add, based on my own planning and what I've heard people say time and time again, remember that weddings bring out the worst in everyone. Including ourselves sometimes, even when we don't realize it. (not saying this because I thought there was anything in your post that indicated this about you/your FI - but it's just more fair to say that it applies to everyone. We focus so much on what *WE* want - and understandably, it's a big, special day - that we don't always realize other people will never care about our wedding to the degree that we do. Cold, and sad, but true.)
So true. Although I will say that it seems to have brought in the best in my sister and mother. Especially my mother. She's even told me that if my future in-laws cancel the rehearsal dinner that she and my dad will host one. The sad part is that I think my fi's mother really does care. She has told him over and over again that she wants a relationship with me. I like her but I struggle with relating to her because we are so different.

But your perspective is helpful. And the most important part of the day is that we will be married. Despite his family's antics, my fi is the most loving, loyal person I could have ever hoped to meet. He is my rock and I'm so glad we get to build a life together.
wildcat, this is so *THE* most important things. Your FI, the people who ARE supportive, and the life you're about to build. :) This is why I loved Scandi's advice because it focused on what you DO have.

It doesn't "erase" any of the things that are hard to deal with or less than ideal...but yeah...it's the good/positive/supportive people that you want to focus on, leave the rest to be who they are, even if it's hard.

ETA: as far as your MIL - if you like her, and appreciate that she wants a relationship with you, (or even if you just want to do it for FI) involve her in little things she can help with. Maybe picking between your top 2 invitation designs, or top 2 flower colors, etc. Nothing major but so she'll feel involved, you know?
 

monarch64

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

You're coming from a place of "my family and I are right; this is how things should be done" and so is his family. 1. Your parents should never have called his and guilted them into hosting anything. 2. calling your future FIL a cheapskate? Not cool.

My advice, since you're posting about this? Cancel your current wedding plans and go to the courthouse instead, and just be done with it.

Sorry. I have apparently been on this forum for so many years and had two marriages/weddings myself and am just sort of over the whole "we just can't come to terms with the other family" on weddings stuff.
 

wildcat03

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

monarch64|1473441490|4074629 said:
You're coming from a place of "my family and I are right; this is how things should be done" and so is his family. 1. Your parents should never have called his and guilted them into hosting anything. 2. calling your future FIL a cheapskate? Not cool.

My advice, since you're posting about this? Cancel your current wedding plans and go to the courthouse instead, and just be done with it.

Sorry. I have apparently been on this forum for so many years and had two marriages/weddings myself and am just sort of over the whole "we just can't come to terms with the other family" on weddings stuff.
Ouch, harsh much?

First, my parents did not "guilt" my future-in-laws into hosting a rehearsal dinner. Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. Both of our families are fairly traditional - Catholic families with stay-at-home mothers who raised children while the fathers were professionals so I think my parents just wanted to make sure they were respecting tradition before they jumped in and planned a rehearsal dinner for us. I had no idea that conversation even happened until well after the fact, but am grateful to my parents for trying their hardest to ensure that I have a chance to visit with close friends and relatives before the wedding.

And yes, my FFIL is a cheapskate - the man will literally ostracize his own son to save a buck. We're talking about a man who, when his children were still minors, would raid their bank accounts (which contained THEIR hard-earned money from jobs they started at age 12) to make hard money loans (for interest).

To be entirely fair, there have been no disagreements over anything related to the wedding, except that when his parents offered to host the rehearsal dinner at the same place where my fiancé's first rehearsal dinner was, we said, "Thank you, but no thank you if that is the only option" and explained our reasoning. We didn't demand something different of them.

My impression from what you write is that you feel that my hope for my wedding, which is that my fiancé's immediate family show up and be on good behavior is asking too much. Perhaps that is the case, but I have to say that I feel those are pretty low expectations. Heck, in the case of his brother who is unhappy with us, I'd be happy if he just returned the RSVP (with either accept or decline)!

Thank you for your advice.
 

rubybeth

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Oh, goodness, I relate to this so much. There was a lot of family drama around my wedding, as well. I don't have a lot of advice, but I do have a couple thoughts:

1) Could you invite your future MIL to do something special related to the wedding, like help you pick out your makeup/hairstyle for the day, or some other detail? Maybe involving her with something would help her to feel involved and you to feel more connected. Really, it could be anything--going with you to get your nails done or something.

2) It sounds like your husband and his father have some complicated history. About all you can do is hope that his need to keep up appearances will keep him on his best behavior that day. If not, it only reflects poorly on him, not on you. Maybe give your close friend a heads up that he may be a little "off" that day, and they could help minimize your contact with him (by rushing you off to do cake cutting, or whatever makes sense).

3) The brother situation just sounds like an opportunity for a phone call between brothers. You fiance can explain what you did here--you didn't want to bother him while he's traveling, and we working on reading selections. It sounds like this younger brother might not be married--if not, maybe your husband can just say, "Look, wedding planning is crazy! You'll find out someday!" to soften the lack of contact.

On the actual wedding day, things are just going to fly by. Try to take moments with your husband to enjoy it, away from the people, and with the people who matter most. Your mom and immediate family sound awesome, so focus on them. <3
 

wildcat03

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

rubybeth|1473444017|4074635 said:
Oh, goodness, I relate to this so much. There was a lot of family drama around my wedding, as well. I don't have a lot of advice, but I do have a couple thoughts:

1) Could you invite your future MIL to do something special related to the wedding, like help you pick out your makeup/hairstyle for the day, or some other detail? Maybe involving her with something would help her to feel involved and you to feel more connected. Really, it could be anything--going with you to get your nails done or something.

2) It sounds like your husband and his father have some complicated history. About all you can do is hope that his need to keep up appearances will keep him on his best behavior that day. If not, it only reflects poorly on him, not on you. Maybe give your close friend a heads up that he may be a little "off" that day, and they could help minimize your contact with him (by rushing you off to do cake cutting, or whatever makes sense).

3) The brother situation just sounds like an opportunity for a phone call between brothers. You fiance can explain what you did here--you didn't want to bother him while he's traveling, and we working on reading selections. It sounds like this younger brother might not be married--if not, maybe your husband can just say, "Look, wedding planning is crazy! You'll find out someday!" to soften the lack of contact.

On the actual wedding day, things are just going to fly by. Try to take moments with your husband to enjoy it, away from the people, and with the people who matter most. Your mom and immediate family sound awesome, so focus on them. <3
1) I did invite her to go dress shopping and she came with me and my mom - it was just the three of us. I was thinking about asking her if she wanted to get ready with us, but I like your suggestion of getting nails done. My sister and I were going to do that together so maybe we'll just invite all the moms as well.

2) Complicated is a good word. Sigh...

3) This is a really good suggestion. Thank you.
 

shaggy1

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Personally I think the most memorable weddings are the ones with the most drama. Try to relax and enjoy the fact that you're getting married. You can't control everything that happens, especially other people's behavior.

I want to add that the best decision I ever made was to reach out to my MIL on a constant basis and include her in my life. Men often don't make the effort and when she was dying, my MIL sent me a wonderful card thanking me and calling me her daughter. I'm so glad I made the effort of including her in our lives, even when it wasn't easy. It meant so much to her.

I'm only bringing this up because you mentioned that she wants to be close.
 

diamondseeker2006

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I hate this so much for you! I do feel sorry for future MIL because she is probably unhappy but trapped in her situation, so I would also try to have a relationship with her. Nails sound great for the group, but the getting dressed on the wedding day needs to be your bridesmaids and mom (in my opinion).

It is really awesome that your parents are ready to step in if his father backs out of the rehearsal dinner. I hope he doesn't, because that would be a pretty traumatic thing for everyone involved. Best of luck to you, and I really hope they can stay calm for the remainder of the time.
 

Gypsy

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I disagree with the majority of Monnie's post. But I agree on one point.

You are an adult. It was completely inappropriate for your parents to call his. That was your duty as a couple. Mommy and daddy are no longer people you can have run interference with people, and most especially not your in laws!!!

Second, his parents have already paid for one rehearsal. Why is it cheap to assume their adult son should pay for any subsequent events?

Your DH is on his second marriage and is an adult. He should be grateful they offered to pay at all. They had no obligation to do so. And neither of you sound appreciative.

You do not get to cite tradition as a reason for them to pay again. Catholics do not traditionally have two weddings!!

They did their duty already, try putting yourself in their shoes, it will give you some perspective.
 

wildcat03

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Gypsy|1473450885|4074653 said:
I disagree with the majority of Monnie's post. But I agree on one point.

You are an adult. It was completely inappropriate for your parents to call his. That was your duty as a couple. Mommy and daddy are no longer people you can have run interference with people, and most especially not your in laws!!!

Second, his parents have already paid for one rehearsal. Why is it cheap to assume their adult son should pay for any subsequent events?

Your DH is on his second marriage and is an adult. He should be grateful they offered to pay at all. They had no obligation to do so. And neither of you sound appreciative.

You do not get to cite tradition as a reason for them to pay again. Catholics do not traditionally have two weddings!!

They did their duty already.
Gypsy - let me be very clear about this. I did not go to my parents and ask them to talk to his parents. In fact, I did not GO to my parents or his parents for ANYTHING. When we decided to get married, I sat down and did some searching and made a budget that was well within our savings that I have stuck to religiously. In fact, I budgeted for a rehearsal dinner in that, because I made no assumptions that anyone would give us anything. My parents didn't realize that, because they did not pry into my budget, but rather offered up what they felt comfortable offering. My parents (without my knowledge) called his parents to ask if they were going to host a rehearsal dinner. If they didn't want to when my parents asked, they could have just as easily said no. My parents would have accepted that, moved on, and hosted a rehearsal dinner with a lot fewer strings attached.

Do I think it would have been nice had they offered sooner? Yes. Am I grateful for their offer? Yes. Do I resent just a little bit that they somehow thought it was appropriate to host it at the same place where fi had his first rehearsal dinner? Probably. Sorry, I'm human and imperfect for that one.

Just in case you don't realize this, your whole rant at me here is based on something that never even happened. At no time did fi or I ask my parents or his parents for anything. Nor did I ask my parents to ask his parents for anything.
 

chemgirl

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Honestly, if they want drama there isn't much you can do. My in laws brought their dogs to my wedding and threw a fit when they weren't allowed in the venue. They left during the ceremony to walk the dogs...like got up from the front row, walked up the aisle, and announced what they were doing while my sister was giving a reading.

Basically you have to just ignore and focus on the good things. At the end of the day you will be married and you will have shared something beautiful with many people who love and support you.

The real issue is how you and your in-laws interact in your day to day lives. You have a lot of that to look forward to!
 

Gypsy

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat03|1473451791|4074656 said:
Gypsy|1473450885|4074653 said:
I disagree with the majority of Monnie's post. But I agree on one point.

You are an adult. It was completely inappropriate for your parents to call his. That was your duty as a couple. Mommy and daddy are no longer people you can have run interference with people, and most especially not your in laws!!!

Second, his parents have already paid for one rehearsal. Why is it cheap to assume their adult son should pay for any subsequent events?

Your DH is on his second marriage and is an adult. He should be grateful they offered to pay at all. They had no obligation to do so. And neither of you sound appreciative.

You do not get to cite tradition as a reason for them to pay again. Catholics do not traditionally have two weddings!!

They did their duty already.
Gypsy - let me be very clear about this. I did not go to my parents and ask them to talk to his parents. In fact, I did not GO to my parents or his parents for ANYTHING. When we decided to get married, I sat down and did some searching and made a budget that was well within our savings that I have stuck to religiously. In fact, I budgeted for a rehearsal dinner in that, because I made no assumptions that anyone would give us anything. My parents didn't realize that, because they did not pry into my budget, but rather offered up what they felt comfortable offering. My parents (without my knowledge) called his parents to ask if they were going to host a rehearsal dinner. If they didn't want to when my parents asked, they could have just as easily said no. My parents would have accepted that, moved on, and hosted a rehearsal dinner with a lot fewer strings attached.

Do I think it would have been nice had they offered sooner? Yes. Am I grateful for their offer? Yes. Do I resent just a little bit that they somehow thought it was appropriate to host it at the same place where fi had his first rehearsal dinner? Probably. Sorry, I'm human and imperfect for that one.

Just in case you don't realize this, your whole rant at me here is based on something that never even happened. At no time did fi or I ask my parents or his parents for anything. Nor did I ask my parents to ask his parents for anything.

Wildcat that wasn't a rant. But your interpretation of it as one is illuminating. You have clearly lost perspective and are overly sensitive right now. And frankly being a bit of a brideziilla. So there is no point n talking to you, you just want to stay in "poor me" land.

I know people whose in laws have actually cancelled their venues! That is "my in laws are ruining my wedding." Your in laws are being insensitive, yes. Put on your big girl pants and try "adulting" instead of "brideing" and you will get some much needed perspective.

Also I now agree with Monarch. This is about your loss of perspective not about your in laws at all.
 

ruby59

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

My in laws brought their dogs to my wedding and threw a fit when they weren't allowed in the venue. They left during the ceremony to walk the dogs...like got up from the front row, walked up the aisle, and announced what they were doing while my sister was giving a reading.
_____________________________________

OMG, Chemgirl. Nothing imo can top that.

And I thought my in law were difficult when my SIL let her child scream throughout our ceremony and refused to take him outside.
 

shaggy1

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

OMG, Chemgirl. Nothing imo can top that.
.
Wanna bet? My brother-in-law kept excusing himself from his son's wedding to go shoot up heroin in the foyer of the church. He wore short sleeves! and had fresh track marks.

My immediate family spent the entire reception doing an intervention with my sister to get her to leave him. The poor bride had no one from her husband's side of the family to give a speech. Thus included the best man and two ushers.

Now that's an in law ruining a wedding.
 

ruby59

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wanna bet?
_________________

I stand corrected, Shaggy.

Unbelievable.
 

House Cat

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'm sorry you're hurting but I don't see any of this as over the top.


I see events being blown out of proportion. I totally understand how this is your wedding and you want it to be AS important to everyone else as it is to you. The problem is, you don't get to control how everyone else feels about your wedding. With this perspective, you can only protect your feelings and protect your wedding with all of your heart.

Stop giving it away so that others can hurt you.

There so many awful events before my wedding. I won't even go into it, but it was BAD! Only 35 people showed up! But you know what? I had that darned wedding and it was GORGEOUS!! And I treated those 35 guests like royalty because I had a budget for 4X that many people! The most important people were there.

And now I am married to the most wonderful, most giving, most handsome, most amazing man ever.


Take some deep breaths. Get centered. Stop letting their toxicity get to you. Stop your patterns of behavior from allowing it. This will be good practice for when you are actually married and need to protect the marriage from all this B.S. because it looks like it's coming!!

Good Luck and can't wait to see the photos!
 

monarch64

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

wildcat03|1473442435|4074630 said:
monarch64|1473441490|4074629 said:
You're coming from a place of "my family and I are right; this is how things should be done" and so is his family. 1. Your parents should never have called his and guilted them into hosting anything. 2. calling your future FIL a cheapskate? Not cool.

My advice, since you're posting about this? Cancel your current wedding plans and go to the courthouse instead, and just be done with it.

Sorry. I have apparently been on this forum for so many years and had two marriages/weddings myself and am just sort of over the whole "we just can't come to terms with the other family" on weddings stuff.
Ouch, harsh much?

First, my parents did not "guilt" my future-in-laws into hosting a rehearsal dinner. Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. Both of our families are fairly traditional - Catholic families with stay-at-home mothers who raised children while the fathers were professionals so I think my parents just wanted to make sure they were respecting tradition before they jumped in and planned a rehearsal dinner for us. I had no idea that conversation even happened until well after the fact, but am grateful to my parents for trying their hardest to ensure that I have a chance to visit with close friends and relatives before the wedding.

And yes, my FFIL is a cheapskate - the man will literally ostracize his own son to save a buck. We're talking about a man who, when his children were still minors, would raid their bank accounts (which contained THEIR hard-earned money from jobs they started at age 12) to make hard money loans (for interest).

To be entirely fair, there have been no disagreements over anything related to the wedding, except that when his parents offered to host the rehearsal dinner at the same place where my fiancé's first rehearsal dinner was, we said, "Thank you, but no thank you if that is the only option" and explained our reasoning. We didn't demand something different of them.

My impression from what you write is that you feel that my hope for my wedding, which is that my fiancé's immediate family show up and be on good behavior is asking too much. Perhaps that is the case, but I have to say that I feel those are pretty low expectations. Heck, in the case of his brother who is unhappy with us, I'd be happy if he just returned the RSVP (with either accept or decline)!

Thank you for your advice.
Ok. Bottom line? It is not your place to determine how anyone else who is not your dependent or married to you spends their money or chooses not to spend it. And here's a valuable lesson in life you are soon to learn: your expectations of anyone else but yourself are a waste of time and energy. You would be wise to place less importance on this single event and direct your thoughts and feelings to the years of marriage you intend to spend with your betrothed.
 

lovedogs

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Wildcat,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this :( I definitely understand you being hurt that they wanted to have the rehearsal dinner at the same place where your future DH had his first one. That would be hurtful to most people because the entire point of you two getting married is to start your own lives together.

Weddings are notorious for being dramatic, as everyone brings their own baggage to it, and sometimes it brings out pettiness and other hurt feelings within families that weren't readily observable before.

Overall :HUGS: to you, and definitely remember Scandi's advice that even if it's only the 2 of you on your big day it will still be perfect because you are marrying someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. :)
 

kenny

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Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

monarch64|1473441490|4074629 said:
You're coming from a place of "my family and I are right; this is how things should be done" and so is his family. 1. Your parents should never have called his and guilted them into hosting anything. 2. calling your future FIL a cheapskate? Not cool.

My advice, since you're posting about this? Cancel your current wedding plans and go to the courthouse instead, and just be done with it.

Sorry. I have apparently been on this forum for so many years and had two marriages/weddings myself and am just sort of over the whole "we just can't come to terms with the other family" on weddings stuff.
+1

Weddings make people insane.

I'll never have one.
I'll never go to one.

I'd just marry at the courthouse in shorts, flip flops and a tank top, maybe I'd paint on a bow tie if I felt formal.
IMO the only thing that matters is what is in two hearts.

I'd use the wedding budget as a down payment on a house, invest it for retirement, or donate it to a charity.
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
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May 11, 2012
Messages
9,531
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Weddings do make people really nuts, it's a given fact. My MIL told everyone she would boycott our wedding if we got married in a specific church, my husband's brother refused to be part of the wedding because it was my husband's second marriage (my first). His family didn't offer to pay a cent for anything yet there were expectations that a number of their family members would be invited and then one showed up with a heap of kids that were not invited on the day and demanded they were all fed and seated as proper guests.

I think when it's a second wedding sometimes the inlaws and indeed sometimes the parents can and do have the attitude seen all of it and in some cases paid for some of it all before so they care far less....

My flower girl broke her arm the night before, I sprained my ankle and had no running water the morning of the wedding.

Stuff happens, it's fine to vent but now it's probably best to just move past it all, concentrate on your husband and not any of the ugly stuff going on.
 

AnnaH

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2013
Messages
1,226
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

There's more than a good chance that things will turn out well for you on your wedding day as you, your fiancé and your parents are together. Even if someone behaves badly, that doesn't have to spoil your day.
You clearly stated that you were here to vent but have been open to those who advised you in a civil fashion. I'm glad you received more kind replies than not.
Best wishes!
Come back and let us know what happens.
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
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1,473
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I know this is a tangent, but some of these wedding experiences would be unbelievable if they were in a book or movie! Truth is stranger than fiction, even for PS'ers. I feel for all of you who had to go through something like that.
 

azstonie

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
3,758
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

Dr Susan Forward, "Toxic In-laws."

If you think they can stir up the wedding $h*t, wait til you see what they do with your money, your children, and your relationship with your husband.

Never JADE:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

With your in-laws or be prepared to live under their thumbs.
 

azstonie

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 1, 2014
Messages
3,758
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I got married the first time in a gorgeous church in Juneau, Alaska. Splashy and plush luncheon reception. My parents ruined the Friday festivities, the Saturday wedding and reception, and Sunday brunch the next morning with all the guests who were flying back to the lower 48.

Controlling narcissists destroy any event or special occasion that is not for them or that they aren't calling the shots.

Be advised.
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,382
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

kenny|1473463633|4074706 said:
monarch64|1473441490|4074629 said:
You're coming from a place of "my family and I are right; this is how things should be done" and so is his family. 1. Your parents should never have called his and guilted them into hosting anything. 2. calling your future FIL a cheapskate? Not cool.

My advice, since you're posting about this? Cancel your current wedding plans and go to the courthouse instead, and just be done with it.

Sorry. I have apparently been on this forum for so many years and had two marriages/weddings myself and am just sort of over the whole "we just can't come to terms with the other family" on weddings stuff.
+1

Weddings make people insane.

I'll never have one.
I'll never go to one.

I'd just marry at the courthouse in shorts, flip flops and a tank top, maybe I'd paint on a bow tie if I felt formal.
IMO the only thing that matters is what is in two hearts.

I'd use the wedding budget as a down payment on a house, invest it for retirement, or donate it to a charity.
I agree with Monnie and Kenny!
My favorite parts - when DH and I went dress shopping and found the perfect dress within 30 minutes. When I went back with mom it was a shit fest... The photoshoot with DH before the wedding was also a highlight. I don't remember much from the wedding and reception just that I thought I would pass out because of the heat and that bloody dress. I also loved going with DH to LV a few days post wedding to legally get married by Elvis. So, in a nutshell, the best parts were when it was just DH and I.
 

Elizabeth35

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 24, 2011
Messages
366
Re: I feel like my in-laws are trying to sabotage our weddin

I'm sorry you are feeling this way--but as others have said, stop and take a deep breath.
You will get through this and be married. The wedding is a only few hours of your lifetime together.
Control the things you can control and let the rest go.

As far as the rehearsal dinner--You and your fiancee should have had this discussion, as part of your wedding planning, with his parents (or yours) prior to any communication from your parents. And however well-intentioned, your parents should not have communicated directly to his parents without going through you and your fiancé. That, to me, was probably perceived as trying to force them to pay for something they clearly did not volunteer for.

My bigger concern is that will have a relationship with your in laws for many, many years. And they will be the grandparents of any children you may have. Navigate this relationship carefully and respectfully, while recognizing that ultimately it is your Fiance/husbands responsibility to manage the relationship with his parents. Any problems/issues---HE needs to handle with them. Let him be the conduit, especially since there are clearly some issues with his dad and brother.

Other than that---please remember to take no offense when none is intended. Clearly your family is different than his family--that is something you will be dealing with forever. Accept it and try to find a way to peacefully coexist.
Best of luck and hope you enjoy your wedding---this is all really small stuff!
 
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