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I discovered my husband was having an affair....

Discussion in 'Family, Home & Health' started by Crystal_Dreams, Feb 2, 2018.

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  1. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Jun 29, 2018
    A quick update because I actually feel well enough to come back to this thread today and read through it all without any breakdowns!

    Thank you again everyone, for your support and comfort.

    I'm sick IRL right now (this is what happens when you're surrounded by sick people all the time I guess!) so I'm possibly too focused on how physically crappy I'm feeling to dwell on the emotional stuff, but I'm doing a little better right now.

    My husband continues to try and work on himself. It sucks that there's no way to find out the absolute definitive truth- whether he really means this and will succeed or not. It's so painful, having to sit tight and watch and wait. But he is trying. That much I will give him.

    As for me, I am trying to acknowledge my part in contributing to issues in our relationship. Being too busy at work, not investing as much time in us, sucking it up and not speaking up about things I was dissatisfied with in the relationship, all played a part over years. I am now down to working part time, and trying to keep the focus on building a new relationship together, on the ruins of our old one. It has been difficult, even with dropping down to part time, because I have been placed in a role of increased responsibility at work. I didn't want this, but it was time, according to my bosses. It's stressful, but I am learning that despite my own reservations and doubts about my own judgement (thanks to his affair), they still see me as a valuable part of our team and have confidence in my abilities, even when I don't myself. My bosses know that I haven't been ok. I had to speak to them to take a few days of stress leave when things were really bad (when the porn addiction thing came out).

    I am sad a lot of the time. Occasionally I am still overcome with rage and hate. But I am better than I was 6 months ago.

    He signed a post-nuptial agreement recently, which really wasn't beneficial to him. Of course, this could be another ploy and doesn't mean he won't cheat again... but it's another one of those 'show of faith' type things.
     
  2. voce
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    by voce » Jul 13, 2018
    Crystal Dreams, I am amazed by your strength and courage in taking the more difficult path of giving him another chance. I hope you will find healing at the end of this long journey.

    It sounds like you might be "too good" for him, by being more physically attractive, making lots of money, always doing the right thing, being a trophy wife, etc, that he felt he had to hide all his weaknesses, insecurities, flaws behind lies because he didn't want to tarnish the image that you had of him.

    Now that everything has come out, I do think all this effort on both sides means that you still love him and he loves you. After so many months of pain and effort, I hope you will eventually be rewarded with the relationship that you deserve.
     
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  3. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Jul 14, 2018
    Thank you, voce. I too hope that that is where this will lead. I wish there was a way to know for certain. I’ve had a rough week recently, with lots of things going on. I know for certain whatever happens, I have come out stronger for it. I didn’t need to grow stronger this way- no one does. But it happened, and I am growing as a person and learning more about myself from it.

    You bring up an interesting point. I have told him many times over after finding out that he is in NO WAY worthy of my time or presence. He is not good enough for me at all! I don’t believe he had thought of this before though- he was too selfish and childish and thought only of himself. I was one more ‘prize’ to acquire. But he acknowledges it now. When I scream it at him now during a breakdown, he agrees. He tells me he WASN’T good enough for me. But he is trying to change to become someone who will be worthy, and who can live life and look at himself in the mirror, knowing that he is doing whatever he can to become a ‘good and decent person’. If only that could happen as easily as that.

    In other news, I am about to start on my hormone cycle for egg collection. He has literally burnt all my hopes and dreams of starting a family to the ground with his cheating and lying. As far as I’m concerned, he needs to change and prove himself worthy of being my partner and a future father from here on out (which he was totally NOT!!!) This has been another major challenge for me to get through, but I’m going to get my eggs frozen down, as my biological clock doesn’t understand that things can’t happen now as I had intended!

    Has anyone else been through this before? Having a medical background helps, but reproductive medicine is a highly specialised area and it would be nice to hear of some first hand experiences as a patient!
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
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  4. Matthews1127
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    by Matthews1127 » Jul 14, 2018
    Just sending out love & positive thoughts, today. You still remain on my mind, frequently, and you should know that. It does you no good for me to keep that to myself.
    I have never frozen my eggs, but I inquired about it, after my second child was born. I had been engaged twice, been blessed with two beautiful children, but the donors were less than desirable. I feared I may meet the man of my dreams at a time when I would want another child, but would be at the age where it would increase risks for everything that CAN go wrong, TO go wrong. I consulted two of the associates in the OB/Gyn practice that I went to, and both of them bold-faced LAUGHED at me, at the very thought of my concerns about conceiving. Now, I had been their patient for 16 years, at the time, and I was not offended by their reaction. Shocked, but not offended. Both explained they weren’t worried about me having difficulty conceiving; they were worried about me having a menopause baby. :lol-2: I’m super fertile, and getting pregnant is extremely easy for me.
    I was more concerned about my age being a factor, birth defects, viability of my eggs, blah, blah, blah, but after an informative conversation, my concerns were put at ease. I was 35, at the time.
    It is my understanding that it’s extremely expensive, most, if not all, insurances DO NOT COVER THIS, it involves hormone injections that throw your body into a tizzy, and even after all that, there’s no 100% guarantee that when you’re ready to have a child, conception, and full-term pregnancy will be successful. That’s all up to your body, just like any other pregnancy.
    Now, that was 8 years ago. Things may be less complicated, and the success rates may be higher. I don’t hear much about it, so I’m interested to see if anyone else has more helpful, and potentially less dismal information to share.
     
    


    


  5. voce
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    by voce » Jul 18, 2018
    Sending positive vibes your way. Hope this week is better! /hug
     
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  6. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Jul 18, 2018
    Just had a bit of a meltdown. I got off a set of rather trying night shifts a few hours ago (I work in the ER) and I’m day 4 into my hormone injections. Meant to go in for a blood test tomorrow. Sometimes things get on top of me where it all becomes too much and I have a big cry and rage. Today was one of those times. I’m worried about my fertility as I feel the option to start a family right now as I planned has been taken away from me and I am deeply resentful for that. I shouldn’t have to take hormone injections and try to freeze down eggs because of the stupidity of this man.

    It is a horribly expensive procedure and insurance doesn’t cover it at all. It also isn’t a guarantee of future fertility options as I am well aware that it is quite possible none of the eggs retrieved and frozen down will survive. I’ve spent all morning reading fertility forums (I have no idea WHY and I know as a medical professional I should know better than to rely on anecdotal postings from strangers around the world). It hasn’t made me feel any better.

    This all sucks. I’m probably just tired and angry right now and in need of a bit of a whinge...
     
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  7. Bonfire
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    by Bonfire » Jul 19, 2018
    Of course you are tired and angry! Who wouldn’t be? You are dealing with so much, I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. Tons of {{{dust & hugs}}} for you!
     
  8. ILikeShiny
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    by ILikeShiny » Jul 19, 2018
    Ugh. You're living in such turmoil C_D. I'm so sorry that it's still sucking the life out of you. Everything you said is valid and justified. It really really sucks when our life plans take a derailment not of our choosing. If possible, focus on how empowered you are now that you're freezing your eggs so that when YOU decide the time is right you can have that child/those children. You're taking positive steps for yourself that are independent of what might happen with your marriage. That's huge and something you should be proud of.

    I hope you get some downtime soon to relax and recover. Also, if you're not already, please be sure that you're taking care of your health. All of this stress can take a real toll on your hormones (not just sex hormones but cortisol, thyroid, etc) as well as your heart. Go for gentle walks when you can, maybe sneak in some yoga or meditation. All of that should help with handling the pressures too.

    Hang in there, and feel free to vent here anytime!
     
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  9. Matthews1127
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    by Matthews1127 » Jul 19, 2018
    Sending you hugs and encouragement, in spite of the moment. Tomorrow’s another day, and a new opportunity for something happy.
     
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  10. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Jul 19, 2018
    Thank you everyone for your support =)2 I’m feeling a little better this morning, though barely got any sleep as my sleep cycles are all messed up from shift work.

    I think I was just feeling really frustrated yesterday morning, after having chased my intern around all night for 4 nights straight trying to make sure he literally wasn’t about to kill anybody. I DON’T like loss of control at all- and this crap is exactly that. Loss of control over the future I thought I had, what I thought made up my life and just about everything else including my emotional state.

    You’re right- what I’m doing right now is for ME. I’m taking what precious few steps I can in order to help my OWN future. That is something.
     
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  11. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Aug 6, 2018
    I’m full of rage and hate today. It burns and burns and I struggle to contain it, but it keeps bursting out.

    Our 3rd anniversary is coming up. *Cue sarcastic tone* oh WOW. It’s the first one ever that he hasn’t been cheating on me for!! Yippee!

    I’m struggling with this upcoming trigger date with nightmares every night that leave me crying and shaking at 3am. My usual tricks to get a few more hours of sleep aren’t helping.

    I had long since given up on knowing exact dates for when the cheating happened and when his cheating trips took place. I knew the time frame and the number of times. Not specifics. In the early hours of this morning, I fear I have caused myself yet more damage. I went and pinpointed the dates for every single cheating trip that took place. Some (when the whore came to my city) I do not know the dates for. The ones I found have been like pouring acid into fresh wounds. There were no ADDITIONAL dates that I found which is good (of course that is as far as I know, so there could well have been... though it barely matters). But one really struck me.

    He went on a cheating trip which included Valentine’s Day to spend with HER, and when I expressed my disappointment at him being away for this day at the time, he minimised it, told me it was just a commercial opportunity and we could just do something another day. He bought me some shitty $2 heart shaped balloon from the airport on his return. Bastard. (I’m trying to keep the profanities to a minimum since this is PS!)

    This is what is fuelling my hate and rage today. I want to let it all out and let it burn him to ash, the way it does me. He is at work. I called him and screamed. I texted him every bad name I could think of. I cried. I told him everyone who knows hates him and thinks he’s an idiot and disgusting. I told him his own mother is disgusted and ashamed of him. That I think he’s disgusting.

    He replied with yes, he did treat me terribly. He was a scumbag and a lowlife. He was a terrible worthless person. But he is changing and will keep on changing. That he is making the right choices now and will keep making them.

    I’m still full of rage. :angryfire:

    ETA: my egg harvest got only 8 eggs, 7 of which were mature and frozen down. For someone under the age of 35, I would need 15-20 eggs to have an approximately 85% chance of having a child. Seems I need to put myself through MORE injections/bloods/ultrasounds/cost and procedures. Joy. But I’ll be damned if I don’t take this all the way and do whatever I can to secure my own future. The procedure left me terribly nausea, bloated and with period pain on some serious steroids. Not looking forward to round 2. The up side? I made him go with me and watch them stab me with needles. And watch me retch and try to vomit for hours.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2018
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  12. Bron357
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    by Bron357 » Aug 6, 2018
    Oh Crystal Dreams my heart feels heavy for you.
    I just want to give you a great big cuddle and him the biggest slap across the face ever. Maybe not, I have significant upper body strength and I might break his jaw (happened before) - Or maybe too bad!
    I wish I could offer more to you other than words of support. Continue to seek professional support, listen to their advice and suggestions as you experience these difficult “trigger” times. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just that it’s still a way off and difficult to see.
    And while I don’t know your age, please don’t give lose hope or expectation too soon. I for one, with significant other “contrary” medical issues managed to have a beautiful baby girl at 40. My friend gave birth to her first at 44. Not ideal, not guaranteed but if we’d listened to everyone else there’d be two less incredibly special people in this world.
    So sending you hugs, lots of hugs.
     
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  13. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 6, 2018
    I am one of those people who leans towards saving a marriage, if there is still mutual respect and love there. I don't think you have it with this person. Maybe you love him, but you don't respect him. That comes through loud and clear. Obviously the freezing your eggs because his is not worthy is the biggest sign. I know he is in the doghouse, and what he did was horrible, but how do you think that affects your relationship with each other? I am married to you, but I don't want you to be father of my child? I think at this point, it would be healthier for both of you, to end the relationship, heal yourself, and move on. You have so much invested in this, it is actually harming your health.

    If it makes you feel more comfortable to freeze eggs due to uncertainty and lack of control, then do it. But myself, I am more of, if it's meant to be it was meant to be. There may be someone out there who who will give you the love and mutual respect you deserve. But you are not going to find that in your current state.
    Also, only you know how much you want a child. I knew someone who was an undergraduate, very career oriented, and even as an undergraduate said that if she didn't find the right person at a certain age she was going to have a kid on her own. And she was the kind of positive can do person who could do that. Following her facebook posts, it's what she did and she is doing like a boss. If you decide to go that route, have a child on your own, please do it because you love that child and are TOTALLY GO for that situation. If you think you will have resentment having a child but no father figure present, I would refrain.
     
  14. ILikeShiny
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    by ILikeShiny » Aug 6, 2018
    Crystal_Dreams, I’m sorry this continues to be even more painful now than when it first was discovered.

    I can’t help but have the feeling that separating would be best for you at this time. You have no escape from him at this time to truly heal. You’re always surrounded by him, his things, reminders of his actions.

    Perhaps time apart will give you the clarity you need to decide how you want to proceed with your relationship. If nothing else, hopefully it will improve your physical and mental health.

    Sending you hugs and wishing you clarity.
     
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  15. Bonfire
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    by Bonfire » Aug 6, 2018
    Keep purging the rage! You NEED to do this. You have to clean out the wound before it can heal properly. You need to grieve your loss (fidelity and trust). Keep on with your therapist. Listen to what you know is inside you. Your world has been completely shaken but it will be steady again and you will come out stronger and whole! As you go through this process, take notice of the people and situations around you that give you happiness and wellbeing and focus on that in your life. Big hugs to you!
     
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  16. Indylady
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    by Indylady » Aug 7, 2018
    Sending you love and good vibes, Crystal. This is a total nightmare. I hate to offer you a platitude, but just take it one day at a time. This time will pass and one day it will be in your rear view mirror. Stay strong, and indulge in whatever makes you happy and brings you joy.
     
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  17. voce
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    by voce » Aug 7, 2018
    At this point I'm wondering how much more effort you want to put into repairing the marriage. Pain is inevitable on such an anniversary, but if you don't have the self control to stay away from learning more particulars in the past you don't have the ability to change, I'm afraid you'll only hurt yourself. Anger is okay. Anger is controlled and can be directed. To me, rage is not. I'm worried for you that your rage at him will seep out and negatively affect you. Maybe some of this is the hormones they're giving you to harvest your eggs. I don't know how much satisfaction you get from causing him discomfort, but you shouldn't do anything just for his sake. Please go carve out some time for yourself when you can be happy and not think about that scumbag.
     
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  18. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Aug 8, 2018
    Since my last post, things have settled again. The rage is much less frequent than it used to be (it was daily) but yes, I suspect the hormones made things much more... pronounced. I ended up deleting the timeline I had dug out the particulars for. Part of this is that I had to find the majority of the information out by myself at the start- he always dragged his heels... the term for this on the affair forums, is ‘trickle truth’. It’s painful- you know you’ve been betrayed, then they withhold information on the affair for months and you find out one more painful bit at a time, just as you’ve started to process the first bit of hurt. As I found out most things by myself... this has left a definite wound. I have this THING where I continue to feel I need to keep looking, because surely there must be more to find. For months, I had managed to convince myself I had all the details I needed- and that more would only hurt me. Sadly, this latest intense episode defeated that rational part of me...

    As suggested by one of the people on the affair forum who was betrayed, I have asked my husband to write out a timeline for me (I told him to delete the dates but keep the months), with as much information (it isn’t much as he claims he ‘can’t remember much’) about each of those trips as he can. It’s so that I know the information is there. So that I know he is willing to tell the truth in a way, rather than lie to protect himself. So I don’t feel I have to ‘dig’ any more. I haven’t gone through it- if I do, I have decided that it will be WITH the counseller so we can go through it together. I’m not safe to go through it on my own... but hopefully this will abate my need to keep looking.

    The egg freezing is for me. My husband didn’t think it was ‘necessary’ because he thinks we will be fine to have kids once we are better. I am 32 now, but I feel he underestimated the time it takes to heal (I also have some underlying conditions which may make pregnancy more unlikely). Do I think he’s worthy of being a father to my children as he was? No, absolutely not. Would you? He cheated, lied for 2 years, put himself first in every situation, neglected the relationship and put me at risk. He knew his actions would harm me (every cheater knows what they’re doing is wrong), yet chose to go for it anyway. He wasn’t man enough to end the marriage first. He didn’t even think. It’s like he didn’t start to think of consequences till the day I walked out the door. Even then, it took time to sink in.

    Not ‘necessary’? It’s not up to him to decide on its necessity... because as a male, he could go on to have children at a much later age should he wish to. I cannot. I am the one with a limited window of opportunity- which is unfortunately right now. Yet it would be so irresponsible of me to have a child now or before I’m in a better mental space... as much as I want a family, I know that I need to be healthy and well... not like this... before I can face that.

    Egg freezing is to ‘buy me a better chance because of my screwed up timing’. While I hope it will be him that we will one day start a family with... if he fails us again and doesn’t change, then I am hoping my chances of having a family do not die with him and his poor choices. I continue to hope that we will be able to save this and both come out stronger and better for it. My biological clock doesn’t respect the time this may take though. It may well be that I will need to use the frozen eggs with him. I want a family one day... and my choice is to try and give him a chance to improve and change. To become a man worthy of starting a family with because for whatever stupid reason, I do still love him. This is not going to be at any cost to myself though. I will not stay if he remains the same person who cheated and lied to me. I am still here because I do see change. I see him WANTING to change.

    He does appears to be changing. He is more attentive, thoughtful and acknowledges what he was. He tries to support me through my episodes. The old him would’ve told me to stop crying and get over it. When I am not in a downward spiral of negativity, I do see it. Unfortunately, this is not the kind of thing that can be decided upon with a few days, weeks or months of hope. His porn addiction came out 5 months after he began ‘working hard’ on us- accompanied by plenty more lies... it’s going to take a lot of consistency with no more lies and nasty revelations to really get onto the path of recovery. We are now at 4 months of battling the porn addiction AND affair. I’m praying all his demons are out on the table now and we can really make progress from here. In the meantime though, I need to ensure I look out for my own future despite this. THAT is what egg freezing is about.

    I wish healing was a more linear process. It seems to be more one step forward, two steps back at times... from the experiences of others, this doesn’t seem unusual. But it’s tough when you can’t just ‘keep getting better’!
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
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  19. voce
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    by voce » Aug 9, 2018
    It sounds like you have a clear sense of what you want to do and are taking precautions such as freezing your eggs. It's tough, but I know you can make it through!
     
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  20. icy_jade
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    by icy_jade » Aug 9, 2018
    Read this thread some time ago and I keep coming back to this thread but always struggle with what to say as I cannot imagine how difficult and painful it must be for you and what I can say to help. :(2

    Just want to let you know that my thoughts are with you and really hope you feel better soon. Pls take care.
     
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  21. Wewechew
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    by Wewechew » Aug 9, 2018
    I just want to hug you. I am so sorry for what you are going through :(
     
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  22. partgypsy
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    by partgypsy » Aug 13, 2018
    I understand you wanting to get a timeline for clarity. That's something, I wanted to figure out. But at some point, when I realized I had to give up hope that me and ex could have a real relationship, I gave up trying to figure it out all. I didn't need to figure it out. The timeline was complicated. He started the primary affair in 2011. And apparently there were times they broke up, then got back together. Two weeks before our 20th wedding anniversary, he gave me the dear Jane talk, how he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and was thinking of moving out. We then went through this limbo for a few month, mostly me bargaining, me wanting him to commit to marriage, but otherwise things being the same (schedule, still sharing a bed and having sex, etc). During this time he emphatically denied he was having an affair, even an emotional one. So I thought there was hope.
    I told him April 2016 that he either needed to re-commit to marriage, or move out. He moved out april 22nd. And in 3 days I learned about the primary affair. In May, June was hearing rumors he was seeing yet another person. First he denied this as well, and then admitted it. The person he was seeing was a waitress at the place he works, and he is still with her. Regarding when he started seeing 2nd person, ex had told me so many different timelines of when he and original affair broke it off (most of them being previous fall, which didn't make sense because she gave her husband the dear John talk a week before he did, and were emailing each other such as in spring (links to short term rentals with comment "place to get away?"). He said he started second affair to force break up with primary affair. Why does this matter?

    Ex wants me to be more friendly to current girlfriend. But a) I don't really have anything in common with her, and b) he has never given me a clear answer when they started their affair. He kind of wants to dump all the blame on our break up on the primary affair, that she pursued him, etc. My suspicion is ex and current girlfriend started at least an emotional affair, and possibly a physical one while we were still living together, when he was on the fence. Does that make me judgmental that I don't want to be besties with a person who was morally OK starting an affair with a married man? A married man with 2 kids, a family? I understand now that my ex lives in a very morally grey world, where it is all about meeting ones needs and being self-fulfilled. But I prefer not being part of that world.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018
  23. cmd2014
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    by cmd2014 » Aug 13, 2018
    I am so sorry that this continues to be so hurtful, and that you aren't in a better place with this. But I have to admit that by any measure this would be considered emotionally abusive. Imagine if he called you *at work* and screamed at you? Imagine if he texted *you* every bad name he could think of? Imagine him telling *you* that everyone who knows you hates you and thinks you are stupid and disgusting - that even *your* mother is disgusted and ashamed of you? (while you were at work no less). It would not be ok. And the fact that he hurt you doesn't make it ok.

    He messed up. He had an affair. He has an addiction to pornography. But you have chosen to stay. This means that you might have to freeze your eggs with someone else's sperm because you are angry at him and don't want to have children with him right now. You could be working on meeting someone new who would meet your partnership needs better and get working on that with them, but you have chosen to stay with him, which means that you are choosing this choice too. It also means that you might come across more information about what he did in the past that hurt you - but if you choose to stay, you have to accept that you are choosing this too. You might find that he prioritized her over you - only you can decide whether or not you can forgive this. But if you choose to forgive it, you have to choose to forgive it. You can't say that you do and then hurl abuse at him. I also wonder if on some level the fertility treatments might also be one more way that you are expressing your rage towards him - it's a clear message of "I'll stay married to you, but I won't have children with you, and if you choose to stay with me I will take that blessing away from you for the rest of your life as a daily and permanent reminder of how you f*cked up."

    You have a lot of rage to work through - and you have good reason for it too. No-one is saying don't feel it or deal with it, but you might want to give some thought to how you are choosing to express it. If you do choose to stay, this can't do anything other than cause further damage to your already struggling relationship. More importantly, I worry about what this is doing to you. How this will eventually erode your sense of who you are...because I can't imagine that you are this person whose skin you are living in right now. When we stop acting like ourselves we stop being ourselves and then we become lost.

    I hope you take care of yourself and that you find your way back to yourself again soon.

    ETA: IVF is a total nightmare. It's like living in permanent PMS. It's painful - you bloat, you're sore everywhere, you ache in places that you didn't know you had, you become a human pincushion, and the egg harvesting is brutal. It puts your body and your emotions on a total roller coaster, it's hugely expensive, and it's not nearly as effective as you'd hope after all of that. Even with viable eggs the implantation rate is somewhere around 30% per attempt (and sadly, not all eggs will be viable). It's awful at the best of times. I can't imagine doing it in the middle of an emotional crisis. I wonder if this is contributing to things on the emotional front too...
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018
  24. cmd2014
    Ideal_Rock

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    by cmd2014 » Aug 13, 2018
    Yuck. I am so sorry. Given that you have children, I can see needing to find a way to be cordial (there will be birthdays and holidays and special events that you wouldn't want to make awkward for them if she is there), but becoming anything close to friends given the circumstances? I'm sorry he'd even think to ask that of you.
     
  25. sunseeker101
    Shiny_Rock

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    by sunseeker101 » Aug 13, 2018
    Hi CD, I’m very sorry to read of the sheer grief this guy has put you through. I understand the sense of utter outrage you have that he started up an alternate reality to suit his ego/physical needs when a) you had just or were close to being married, and b) when he was most certainly cognizant of your desire for a child.

    On the face of it, it looks like his response to the increasing seriousness of the situation with you prompted his selfishness and cowardice to fantasize about pastures new by ploughing one, and doing it for real...

    There’s nothing bar you cheating on him that could form a remotely reasonable or acceptable ‘reason’ for his 2 solid years of adultery, lying, and I’m sure, manipulating.

    I don’t imagine someone with a conscience, let alone compassion or love, could so callously go behind the back of their chosen partner, and invalidate trust.

    This guy doesn’t mean his promises and doesn’t respect you enough to let you live in the truth. I think your recurrent anger is telling you something very important: you’ve been betrayed in the worst possible way — and mostly about the character of the guy you’ve spent so long with. This may be why you’ve been feeling ‘responsible,’ but the idea is a mirage.

    Consider this possibility for a sec: you hope that he will feel guilty enough to become a man of his word, and hang on in there, fighting against your own anger at the fix he’s put the whole situation in, and the lack of trust that you still linger in, with it badgering your waking and sleeping thoughts.

    I think a likely outcome to this experiment ( unless he has a miracle character-change and treats you like his own heart on a consistent, heart-felt, easily-appreciable-as-authentic way) is that you will lose your composure in a more devastating way to your sense of self with every month rolling by. This kind of inner turmoil is a fundamental stress to the body.

    That is, how likely is a healthy pregnancy to occur? And how comfortable and joy-filled would your first experience of motherhood be in an unresolved situation?

    Anyway, on an even more cracking note, living with permanent outrage, no matter how justified it is, can damage your perception and your trust of other people. As in, a form of PTSD or C-PTSD.

    All I can say is, at 32 you’ve got 5 very good years to get down to business, and 3 very approachable ones. How about getting to a gynae to test things like AMH, FSH, LH — these things will give you a very good picture of how effectively young your reproductive system is.

    Anyway, just thought I’d throw that out there. One thing is for certain: it’s not your fault, and the other: you didn’t deserve it by any definition. The very best of luck getting back to a place of security and joy.
     
  26. partgypsy
    Ideal_Rock

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    by partgypsy » Aug 14, 2018
    Yes. Your present health is more important than the the future child. And for you to be a good mother you need to be in good health; physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm not a counselor or professional. But if you feel you can't forgive him, you can't trust him (which I can totally understand, sometimes relationships cannot recover from these kind of things; they are fundamental betrayals to you and the relationship) it's not going to be possible to have a relationship with this guy even if he does totally reform.
     
  27. Crystal_Dreams
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Crystal_Dreams » Aug 16, 2018
    I only come back to this thread occasionally, so I wonder if I am giving a proper representation of what is happening. I imagine I’m not because really... how could a few posts cover all that? I usually end up posting because of some kind of emotional response I’m having, so perhaps my posts are somewhat skewed.

    When caught in the depths of emotional turmoil, it’s hard to give an objective perspective of progress. I am calm right now, so I will say this: we are certainly better than we were 8 months ago. And better than we were 4 months ago. By lots. I find it hard to compare week by week... or even month by month.

    But when I look back to how I felt, how much time I spent crying my eyes out and how often I let rage overtake me, I can easily say that it is happening less now than it used to. I will also say that he is doing less ‘wrong’ than he used to. He isn’t doing every single thing as I would like... but he is trying. I suspect some of the ideas I may fixate on may be so obscure and specific that no one other than myself could absolutely do them the way I want. I’m not talking about the BIG ‘wrong’ things, like cheating or porn. I’m talking about smaller things like wording when talking, how to approach bringing things up with me... etc.

    We are taking it slow. It’s hard because in all aspects, I consider our marriage ‘gone’ and over. It’s the only way I can deal with staying... we are here, working on a NEW relationship together. I have no intention of returning to what we used to be... if that were the case, there would be no point in staying. I stay because we both want to create something new and better. With better communication, connection, intimacy, honesty... better everything.

    What he chose to do was terrible. That involved lies, emotional abuse and neglect and of course, manipulation. And yes... I do show traits of PTSD. Intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, insomnia etc. I recognised these early on... and got myself a referral for a mental health specialist in the first week after discovery, along with the STI screen. These symptoms I am learning to manage. Unfortunately, they will be with me whatever I choose to do. It’s part of the price I have been forced to pay for his choices.

    What I have decided for myself, is that if I have already paid such a hefty price, still want to give it a chance and HE shows remorse and wants to change... why not see it through? This doesn’t mean I am willing to continue paying a higher price for more poor choices. It just means I am willing to try to work with him through what has happened.

    He doesn’t deserve a second chance really. No one who does something like that DOES. I choose to show him grace and give him a second chance despite him not deserving it because I want to. That doesn’t mean it’s easy... or that I don’t sometimes second guess myself and my own choice. I feel it is quite reasonable really for ME to be second guessing whether I want this or not.

    Re: the egg harvest, I’ve had all of those investigations and more done. Ultrasounds, LH, FSH, AMH... it has all been done. I have zero plans for pregnancy right now because it would be plain irresponsible and negligent to do so. That is what prompted me to prepare with egg freezing. The knowledge that I’m not ok, that one day I do want a family but it absolutely can’t be now and I need to buy myself time somehow. Tbh who my partner is is fairly irrelevant... this part is more about me. Because I’M not well enough to step into that phase. If I were to become a mother, I would want to be as healthy mentally and physically as I can be in order to provide the best environment for a child to grow up in. That isn’t now.

    Actually, this all started because I went to my gynae to discuss more foolproof contraceptive methods in order to prevent pregnancy. It was only in doing so that I started to consider that I may also want to take the chance of freezing down my eggs. I went specifically asking for an IUD. This involved discussion about family planning with my gynae, which led to all of this!

    Unfortunately, the investigations picked up on a few things which were abnormal. I need to have a hysteroscopy in the near future to have a lot of that checked out and dealt with. This just adds to the pressure of knowing there are things that are ‘wrong’ from a gynae perspective. I suppose at least I found out. If I hadn’t had any of the scans etc done because of what has happened, I wouldn’t even know about it.
     
  28. sunseeker101
    Shiny_Rock

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    by sunseeker101 » Aug 16, 2018
    Hi CD, thanks for the update. I’d like to tell you about the detail of the picture that rankled the most, and that is the start time for his adultery.

    In terms of how compassion-deficient, irresponsible, childish people deal with difficult feelings and decisions, it seems his ‘answer’ to the growing commitment to the future with you was to take the coward’s way out and invalidate his whole involvement in the situation.

    Which gives rise to more questions than it answers in practicality, right? Irresponsible communicators want you to make the hard decisions, to feel responsible and damned either way for your response.

    Do you deserve a guy who can’t tell you the truth about his feelings and instead sets up to distract himself from reality by hurting you at a core level? Does anyone?

    I understand that two factors are weighing heaviily, the destruction of a dream of the future and a family that he must have built with you over time, and the other is: time itself. I know 32 can feel like you’re pushing it, that you could never find another man that you could love and have a trust relationship with, one you could stake your life on. But the issue is, you don’t have that now, and you never did. Lying and manipulating are related to defects in character, and your man has always had them.

    If he has never related to you the right way, been sensitive in the places you need it, awake and paying loving attention to you reasonably consistently, why and how could he start now?

    Have you both tripped down the line of bad relationship? Has there been currents of unresolved issues that have made you angry or depressed with him before all the dirt came to light?

    If the guy is short on compassion and truthfulness, has no issues lying, then none of the above would be unexpected. Feeling wrong and to blame can be symptoms of being married to an emotional abuser, and many other shades of problem-creating character issues. I.e. give yourself a break. The test was in the response to the situation: he expressed himself by acting out his response in the most destructive way possible, and you didn’t.

    Anyway, despite the devil’s advocate I seem to be playing, I know that you will get the right answer in the end. Please be kind and loving enough to yourself so that your intuition can bring you safely to the place you and your future children need and deserve.
     
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  29. partgypsy
    Ideal_Rock

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    by partgypsy » Aug 17, 2018
    Sorry for hijacking your thread. i'm not going to advise you what to do in your relationship, because only you are living it. But a story about throwing good money after bad. For a long while, past when I should have really (hell, I loved him and love is irrational) I held onto hope that perhaps in the future my ex and I would work things out and reunite. But then I started thinking, separate from the affair, he would lie to me, even when he he didn't HAVE to. Saying he was looking into jobs, that he wasn't. Started smoking again and denying it (I could taste it on his breath). He inherited a small amount of money from his family and I only found out by accident; he wasn't intending on telling me. So the affair while the WORST (with the lying, lack of respect and gaslighting) was not an isolated thing. It's the kind of person he's become. someone I can't trust.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2018
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  30. Crystal_Dreams
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Crystal_Dreams » Aug 19, 2018
    I appreciate the advice and well wishes that everyone has posted on here. Even if it is contrary to what I have chosen, I understand that each of us have come from a different place, with a range of different experiences and hardships lived. That will colour the advice that each person shares. I fully believe that each and every one of you who have taken the time to reach out to me do so with good intentions and I want to say that I appreciate all of you doing so.

    The kind of pain associated with what has happened to me was not one I could ever have understood before it happened... I would’ve and did swear before all this that I would file for divorce the instant I found out something like this. I too once upon a time, told friends who caught their partners cheating to leave and that they could do better. I DO believe that I can do better (ie find a partner who has not/would not cheat on me). It’s a difficult thing to understand... I certainly have no wish to be cheated on and lied to again. So it seems mindbogglingly stupid that I would stay to give this person a chance.

    It is hard to say why I choose to stay. It’s a combination of many factors... BUT it is not absolute. I choose to offer him a chance, where he absolutely does not deserve one. It’s what I wanted to do. But I will not offer chance after chance. Leaving this marriage is not off the table. I try to not live my life as though I might leave at any second, because that would be counter productive to us building a new and better relationship. It’s hard though, because I AM FULLY justified in leaving at any moment should I wish to. Sometimes when caught in the throes of pain and grief, all I want to do is get away.
     
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