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I discovered my husband was having an affair....

Discussion in 'Family, Home & Health' started by Crystal_Dreams, Feb 2, 2018.

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  1. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Feb 2, 2018
    My husband has been cheating on me since 6 months into our marriage... I found out 12 weeks ago. I have been in agony and a huge fluctuating mess of emotions.

    We have been together for over 12 years... and I guess I always thought I had made the 'right' choices. He was my first and only boyfriend (and vice versa for him). We had only ever been with each other, I didn't pressure him to propose to me or to get married...

    In retrospect, I see now of course that things were not as perfect or as ideal as I had fooled myself into thinking. The benefit of hindsight changes things significantly. I blinded myself to all his flaws, his selfishness, how he was neglecting me and our marriage... I feel like a fool. 100x so because when the other woman contacted me initially and I confronted him about it, he managed to somehow convince me that it was all just a malicious bit of spam and swore up and down that he had never done anything to be sorry to me for, and had no idea who this person was.

    I feel like an idiot just typing this out. I know how I must seem to anyone reading this. An idiot for staying. An idiot for not divorcing him immediately.

    I will never forget the moment when I confirmed it after combing through his emails for what must've been the 20th time since initial contact by the other woman. I must have run the search differently that time. Thank god I did. I felt the world fall away from me and I could hear myself hyperventilating, start retching and screaming/crying/whatever else. I have always been a person who prided myself on my self control above all else. This was a complete loss. I wasn't me any more. I wasn't anything. It was a purely visceral response.

    My initial reaction was to leave him and get the hell out of there. So I did. I walked out, he had no idea where I had gone, and just left. I returned that evening to pick up some essentials... then left again. He was on his knees begging me to stay. And continued to lie to me while doing so. I was full of hurt, disbelief, rage, betrayal... and just about every other negative emotion that a person can feel. Worthlessness, grief, hate... the list goes on. I was on the verge of filing for divorce. I followed the 'divorce is never an option' thread with interest... it seems many PSers have been lucky in their lives without the need to consider these options...

    I always thought infidelity was a dealbreaker for me. I had told him as much previously. I think until you go through something like this yourself, it's much easier to say what you think you will do. It's much more complex when you're suddenly thrown into that situation yourself.

    About a week and a half after I left, I agreed to meet him in a cafe. My prerequisite for the meeting is that he totally and completely cut things off with the other woman. He said he had- but in a 'i didn't tell her- I just blocked and delete her' (LOL) kind of way. Absolutely not good enough. I told him I needed proof that he had at least contacted her to tell her it was over or I wasn't even going to meet him. He messaged me the day before and told me he had done as asked.

    That day, I challenged him to 'prove' his willingness to end everything with her. He said he had. His word (obviously) wasn't good enough for me. Afterall, he broke his vows, had lied to me at every turn... I had no choice but to assume every word out of his mouth was a lie. He got a new phone, a new number, new sim card. I took the old one and destroyed it. All backups of previous phones have been deleted. He deleted his facebook, instagram, snapchat accounts. The list goes on. Yet none of these things make me feel any safer.

    He insisted that since he had sent that message to her, she would never try to contact him again. I knew better. Of course she tried. When all the other methods of communication failed, she emailed him. We had discussed this prior to it happening. Initially his response had been 'I'll just ignore it and not reply'- GROSSLY not good enough. We eventually got to 'I'll tell you about it and not reply'. To my knowledge, she emailed him once, just before christmas. He called me and told me about the email as soon as he received it. I logged on and saw it, then asked him to please delete his email address and create a new one. We have done this.

    She then contacted ME through facebook again with screenshots of their conversations during the affair. I can only assume that she chose the snippets which would be most likely to be hurtful to me. I know why she contacted me initially and again. She wanted more from her 'relations' (I REFUSE to call this a relationship) with my husband than he was giving her. She wanted ME out of the picture. What better way to do so than to get ME to break it off if he wouldn't?

    I guess though, going by the same reasoning... that if the affair was ongoing and they were still in contact, she would not have hesitated to tell me about that instead. The screenshots were all from pre-discovery.

    I eventually moved back in... we are going to counselling regularly (though in all honesty I don't feel this is much use!) and trying to somehow work through this. It is a tortuously slow and agonizing process. I have many days filled with rage towards him, hate, disbelief, grief. I now suffer from PTSD like symptoms where although I never saw them together, my mind shows me in slow motion the things I know the must have done together. I have intrusive thoughts and go into panic attacks with these. The smallest most benign every day items are now triggers to such events.

    He is 'trying' in all senses of the word. My husband is now going to individual counselling himself to learn more about himself and figure out what led to all this happening. He says the right things, tries to be patient when I collapse on the ground crying, scream, rage, push at him and hit him in my attacks. He apologises all the time for his betrayal. He says he regrets it all. He wishes he could go back in time and stop himself from ever doing any of these things. But I fear. I fear that all this 'progress' is him purely doing what I have told him he needs to do. I fear that he will not change significantly enough. I fear that this will happen again. I fear I may never be able to forgive. I cannot trust him. I know better. He has taught me this in the most painful ways possible. He wants to move on to working on our marriage. I cannot. I am still stuck grieving, processing how my future has been stolen from me. How he made me live and believe a lie.

    I told a few friends, have bought loads of books on what to do 'after the affair', I spend my spare hours reading things online about infidelity, I have joined a forum with people of similar experiences. The things I have learnt is to give this time. To try to look after myself. To not take on board the opinions of every person who hears my story. Because as well meaning as everyone is... it's hard. No one can truly understand the situation till they are in it.

    PS is a place for us to share our love for bling and beautiful pieces. I can no longer even LOOK at my ering and wedding band. They mean nothing but lies and broken promises to me now. I HATE this. Jewelry has always been a big thing to me... (obviously i'm a PSer!). I took his ring the day I found out- he now wears a band that I bought for him in our dating years in its place. He is not worthy of wearing our wedding ring- and it clearly never meant much to him anyway. I tossed it into the toilet one night after I discovered another of his lies (how many times they had met). I didn't flush it, as tempted as I was. Clearly as I had been gone, no one had been CLEANING the toilet for weeks. I made him fish it out himself. This provided me with a moment of satisfaction at least....

    I started a new project with CVB. My OEC ring that I decided to finally create- I had been putting it off due to being indecisive and the cost involved. Hopefully I'll wear it... I told Caysie I wanted to create this ring from me to ME. It has no part of him in it. Maybe I can still enjoy bling without linking it back to what I currently consider as my failed marriage.

    We are not divorced. We are 'working on it'. But I consider my marriage to be over. It's the only way. The marriage we had...? That's dead and gone.
     
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  2. whitewave
    Ideal_Rock

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    by whitewave » Feb 2, 2018
    I wanted you to know I read this, I support you in whatever decisions you make and I am sorry this happened to you. HUGS
     
  3. Crystal_Dreams
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Crystal_Dreams » Feb 2, 2018
    Thank you whitewave... somehow it helps to get it out there and have others know like this...
     
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  4. PintoBean
    Ideal_Rock

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    by PintoBean » Feb 2, 2018
    Expletives!!! I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's a lot to process after being with someone for 12 years and thinking that you "know" them, and then learning about the infidelity and other life...

    First things first - have you and your husband gone to get tested? At least your physical well being you can take control of right now...
     
    


    


  5. Bron357
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Bron357 » Feb 2, 2018
    Gentle hugs from Australia.
    I’m an old person, been “around the block a few times” as they say, so I have plenty of “life” experience.
    It is a devasting experience to be confronted with infidelity.
    People make mistakes, sometimes they can be “forgiven”, other times they can’t.
    What matters here, is your feelings and the future you want for yourself.
    If you have been betrayed and deeply hurt, for the relationship to continue and flourish - note the word “flourish” - you have to be able to move forward with the belief that you will not be betrayed or hurt by him again.
    You have to be able to “draw a line in the sand” and move forward.
    If you know in your heart that you will never feel safe and secure again, that you will always be suspicious, angry, sad or other negative and self destructive feelings, you need to walk away.
    Marriage is a commitment but in real terms it is a life journey you share with another person. It needs to be with someone you love and trust and someone who you can rely on to be with you and for you.
    I had to end my first marriage, not because of infidelity but because of deceit. My first husband knew I wanted a family but as it turned out, he did not. The years were passing and the “reasons for waiting” ended (we had a house, we were established in our careers etc etc) and he confessed he had no interest in a family. I was crushed, totally, and 37 years old by this time. I was very upset with myself, the signs had been there that he wasn’t “with me” but I had ignored them.
    We divorced and I didn’t even want to consider even dating ever again.
    Long story short, I met the man who would become my second husband at 39 and at 40 I had our daughter. Only the one child, but a gift from God.
    My point here is, don’t hang onto something when it isn’t there anymore, don’t settle for less than what you deserve and want for yourself.
    If your marriage has failed, say goodbye to it. Make a new plan, start a new journey.
    Who knows, there may be another partner out there, ready, willing and able to accompany you on the way, but if not, do it for you. Your life, own it.
    And buy as much sparkle as you want. Sell your unwanted rings (hey, money is money, so don’t be too proud or silly) and buy yourself something lovely.
    You deserve it, always. Remember that.
     
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  6. JDDN
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    by JDDN » Feb 3, 2018
    Crystal-Dreams....I want to say you are incredibly strong and you are wonderful and I am SO sorry for what you're going through. Even in your "weakest" moments, you are weathering through it and you WILL come out of all this intact. One of my best girlfriends is going through infidelity and she told me that she keeps telling herself that she is working it out because she is strong not because she is weak. I think that is such a raw feeling and so true for her. I wouldn't for a millisecond judge someone for trying to work on things. I hated reading that your husband kept lying to you while you were confronting him with an obvious reality :(2 and I can fully understand that it is impossible to trust him right now (and possibly ever). I wish I could give you a huge hug! You take all the time you need and know you have full freedom to feel whatever you feel, to hate whatever you hate, to not know what to do......the whole gamut. I support you in your choices and I support that those choices be about what YOU think is right for YOU. We are here for you Crystal_Dreams.
     
  7. LJsapphire
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by LJsapphire » Feb 3, 2018
    Hugs... I've been there but we did divorce. We were together 10 years, married for under 2. He cheated on me a number of times (physically and virtually) and I forgave him, then he did it again while I was pregnant with our child. He lied saying they were just friends, even brought her to our house. He got abusive when challenged. He divorced me because he didn't want me to drag his name through the mud! I met someone else, he married her. He did me a favour.

    You're very brave to try again, I hope it works out for you. The insecurity is a horrible feeling, wanting to check up on them all the time.
     
  8. Tekate
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Tekate » Feb 3, 2018
    Been there, my husband never treated me well, was verbally abusive at times (many). I told him the week before we got married after 4 years of dating that if he ever cheated on me, that was it. He did and I had that 'visceral' reaction you did.. I was so wounded, I felt so old (i was 32), my mom said (of course she was from the old school) Kate: once a runner, always a runner. :) Trust for me was gone. Over the course of 2 years while separated my ex moved to Buffalo NY and was going to grad school (ass****) and I meantime was dating my hubster and whoopsey, I got pregnant :) best day of my life.. I had started divorce proceedings and my ex was being slow to send any signed papers back, all we needed was his signature and it was no fault.. he told me he wasn't sure that he wanted to divorce... hahahahaha another visceral reaction at IBM and the papers signed were back in one day.. I have been married for 31 years to a wonderful man, who has always loved me (except the times he hated me ;-) ) was supportive of me, we made 2 sons together, I had a better life, because I found a partner who loved me for who I am, my ex always wanted 'Cheryl Tiegs' hahahaha I had light brown hair (then :) ) green eyes the map of Ireland is on my face as my mom always said.. why eff did he date me and do what he did if he wanted a tall blonde with blue eyes and perkier boobs? I will never know and don't care. As this 'woman' contacted' you, she's a sh--, we as women try not to break up marriages, but the fault lies with the Mr. because he could have said NO. so it's in your ballpark, you don't need to do anything yet, later or ever, I'm sorry this happened to you, but I will say after my traumatic event I was a stronger woman. I wish you peace, love and self respect, kindness and self worth, you deserve it.

    all my best.
     
  9. missy
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    by missy » Feb 3, 2018
    @Crystal_Dreams, I am so sorry and sending you gentle hugs and buckets of support and love to help you make the best decision for you. You are strong and courageous and I wish you only good things going forward. I am glad you are doing this OEC project for you and you alone and when it is complete I hope you consider it a symbol of your strength and courage and that it represents a new beginning. (((HUGS))).
     
  10. Sunstorm
    Brilliant_Rock
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    by Sunstorm » Feb 3, 2018
    I went through this in my twenties and it was my worst fear come true. In the end we ended up parting ways even though he did all the begging, crying, counselling but it turned out that the entire time they were together too, he just did better at covering it up. He stalked me for years after and it took me almost ten years to try and trust again and start dating seriously which cost me the possibility to have a family. That and other things. He was abusive at the end too.

    I learnt two things, once a cheater forever a cheater. Cheating, lying, abuse, deceit, stealing, these are unforgivable, I do not mean small lies and such of course.

    Love ends there because trust ends there. Love does not go away right away but if you cannot trust anymore you have to move on. This is the second lesson I learnt. If you cannot get over it and act like before, it will not work. At the end, he will want to be with the easygoing, fun person again that the other is offering now, not the broken down, traumatized spouse. I honestly think if you cannot put it behind you, you have no other choice but the best choice for you, leave.

    Leave and get therapy. He does not deserve you. Sorry if this sounds black and white but what you are describing above is not working on a marriage, it is the worst rubble of damage after a failed marriage because of him of course. You are not to blame at all but you can rebuild your life and find a much better, true person and learn to trust again. But I do believe you need to spend time alone to sort it out, it will hurt, there is no way to avoid that but we are resilient and strong and survivors. At the end better things will come.
     
    


    


  11. LJsapphire
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    by LJsapphire » Feb 3, 2018
    @Tekate I agree with you, it made me a stronger person. Mine also dragged his heels after initiating the divorce, it took 18 months rather than 3-6 months.
    @Sunstorm I agree also about the trust thing.
    I hope that @Crystal_Dreams finds peace, either by them saving their relationship or ending it. It's so hard either way. <3
     
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  12. Matthews1127
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    by Matthews1127 » Feb 3, 2018
    @Crystal_Dreams,
    Sending BIG HUGS to you!
    You have quite the journey ahead of you. Not with him, but with yourself.

    I’m married. Celebrated my first year of marriage 11/27/17. I guess you can say we’re still in the “Honeymoon phase”. We dated for 3 years, before we got married. We are going on 5 years, together. Sounds like a fairy tale, but it has been far from it.

    I am 43. DH will be 44. I am his second wife. He is my “one & done”. I married late in life because every previous relationship I had was shattered by abuse and infidelity. I can honestly say that the only positives that came out of my past were my two beautiful children. The rest, I prefer to forget.
    A few months before DH & I reconnected (we grew up together, and reunited at our 20 yr HS reunion), he had separated from his first wife. They started dating in 8th grade. Married in their 20’s, and had 4 children, together. They shared 25 years, together, and nearly 17 years of marriage. She had beaten him physically, psychologically, and emotionally; their children watched their drunk mother punch their father in the face, and throw lamps, ashtrays, and anything else she could find at him...and he just took it; he never laid a hand on her. For at least 7 years of their marriage, she was unfaithful with multiple partners. Some, we both knew from HS; it was as if she had made a list of all of her other crushes from HS & just checked them off, along the line. He would catch her, confront her, she’d admit to it, promise never to do it, again, and the cycle would repeat itself. He stayed. He valued his marriage, and the vows that he had made. He loved his family, and he refused to allow her selfishness to destroy the life they had built. For better or for worse, right?

    My husband lived a tortured existence for 7 years (and now believes she had been unfaithful since they started dating, after more info came out, near the end of their marriage). The broken Trust consumed him. She would go somewhere, and he always questioned if she was honest about her whereabouts. Eventually, his suspicions were confirmed, and he caught her in another affair. The kicker: she was a SAHM, so the only income was my husband’s. She used his credit cards to take her lovers to hotels, restaurants, and to activities that she did with them. She left a long paper trail, so denial was futile. What sent him packing was the moment he left for work (he leaves super early for work), and he came home, and his 12 y/o son told him that he had awakened for school & knocked on their door to wake his mother. No one answered the door, so he opened it, and he walked in on his mother in bed with another man.
    He moved out, and spent his nights on the couches of friends in their finished basements. Her own sister helped him get his life back together, and allowed him to stay at her home, until he could figure things out. She advised him to get tested because of the infidelity. He did. He’s clean.

    At that time, he struggled with suicidal thoughts.

    We reunited a few months later, and after 2 weeks of talking, and spending time together, he contacted her and offered her one last chance to make their marriage work for the sake of their children. He wanted to clear the air with her, and he needed to know it was really over, before he got involved with me.
    She told him she was in love with someone else, and that she had never been in love with him; their marriage, to her, was just the next reasonable step, since they had been together so long. She told him that she never wanted children, but she knew he did, so she gave him 4 children. He told her that she would never hear from him again, and that he was now moving on with someone else (me).

    I honestly don’t know how he faced her, and didn’t choke the life out of her, after she basically told him that she stole 25 years of his life, and it was all a LIE!! ALL OF IT! I think part of him was relieved because it made it easier for him to walk away & start fresh with me.
    I have a lot of respect for him for doing that. Once that chapter was closed, he was able to move on in his life with me, without feeling as though he should have tried harder, or he “abandoned” his family. He also was able to develop real feelings for me, and continue a real relationship with me without loose ends. I was relieved, as I feared he would go back; he lives for his children, and competing with 25 years was overwhelming. Once that life was over with her, I knew we were in a place where we could start something special, together. Growing up with him, I knew what kind of person he was, and from where he came. He’s a man of principle, values, integrity, and of good character. She never deserved him; he has always deserved better.

    We had remained on a casual dating streak, and were not intimate. I respected the fact that he was still legally married, even though they had been separated for months before he & I even spoke to each other, and we took things slow. I am proud to say that I was not the cause of the destruction of their marriage. I’m grateful I could be there, when he really needed someone.
    A few months after we started our relationship, he moved in with me & my children (my 13 year old son extended the invitation). Not long after that, the other man she was madly in love with left her, and she tried to get my husband back. He refused to leave me. We were happy & in love. She has spent years trying to sink him, financially, and tear us apart. Every time she tries to destroy us, we only grow closer & stronger. A few months after he moved in, and her futile advances to reconcile with him, she asked if he’d agree to a “non-contested” divorce, and he did. She said she was meeting with an attorney. He told her to file the papers, and he would sign, immediately. He wanted to end the marriage, and move on with me. I believe he not only wanted to be done with the toxicity that was his marriage to her, but he wanted to be respectful of me; I wasn’t the other woman, and he didn’t want me to feel like I was. He believed in doing the right thing, and I respect that.
    When he left her, he left with whatever he could fit into a hamper. She got the kids, the house & the car; everything he loved, worked hard for & belonged to him was now hers. If he could have taken the kids with him, he would have; he’s the only real parent they have. After waiting for a year for her to file her “non-contested” divorce, the papers never came. She kept promising to file, and he would check the mail, and nothing ever came. He decided to file; he got tired of waiting, and watching her benefit from being married to him, when it was clear their marriage had dissolved. There was no custody battle; the kids were of age to choose where they wanted to live & he never pressured them to make that choice. The two of them agreed to a support amount outside of court, so all that was left was getting the papers signed. He filed. Divorce was to be final in 90 Days.
    She dragged the divorce out for almost 2 years.
    Timeline:
    He moved in to my house Sept., 2013.
    He filed for divorce Feb., 2015.
    He proposed Oct. 23, 2016 (anticipating long engagement)
    Oct. 30, my mother’s Alzheimer’s got worse. We decided a long engagement was out, and moved our date from Oct., 2020 to Nov. 27, 2016.
    Divorce was final Nov., 2016 (13 Days before our wedding). WE WERE LIVID! We got our marriage license 10 Days before our wedding date. It was INSANE!

    Having gone through his divorce with him, and after living with him during their separation, I can say, I feel as though I went through it, myself. ALL of it. Her promiscuity never stopped; she had a revolving door on that house. He signed the house over to her, in 2015. She stopped paying the mortgage (yes, she got a job, after he left), and put the property into foreclosure. She moved further away into a town house, with the kids, and started a new relationship with a guy who was one of my best friends, in HS. That relationship lasted for 1.5 yrs. We found out, last week, that he packed up his stuff & left, while she was at work.

    Some people are just toxic.
    In spite of everything she has thrown at us, we remain united, and strong.

    Betrayal is a cancer; it will fester, and eat you alive. No matter how many years you “work on it”, it will remain there. What you must now decide is if you can live with that because it is now a new member of your family. You will never 100% trust him ever again. Never. If you choose to stay, that means you must forgive, and start over...from the beginning. There is no picking up where you left off because that place is a place of betrayal, pain, and hatred. He will have to spend the remainder of your lives together proving himself Trust-worthy, and it will never be “enough”. EVER.
    You must decide what kind of life you want for yourself & what you expect out of this life, from this point, forward.

    None of us know when our last day will be. How do you want to spend what’s left of your life?

    Please understand that I’m certainly not judging you for trying, nor am I trying to impose my will upon you. I just want you to contemplate the questions I have asserted, here, and think long & hard about the answers. This is YOUR life, and believe it or not, there IS a life WITHOUT him, and AFTER him, if you choose to leave.
    Sometimes, the most difficult decisions are the best decisions.

    I apologize for the length of my comment, but I wanted to share the details to demonstrate the struggle. The inscription inside our wedding bands is “Love Conquers All” in Irish Gaelic....for good reason.

    You’re not alone, and we’re all here to support you...regardless of your decision. You have to do what’s best for you. Your life, your rules.
    JUST BE HAPPY!!! :kiss2:

    I’m thrilled that you’re resetting your OEC, and building something for yourself. You deserve to have something to look at each day that makes you smile & brings you joy at a time of great pain and sadness.

    Reading your story hit close to home for me, as, even though I wasn’t married to any of the infadels in my life, I loved them, and I don’t love easily.
    I caught them, and I was mercilessly unforgiving to each of them. It cut me deeper than any other pain I had ever experienced, including the death of my father. I walked away, every time, and never took any of them back, no matter how much they begged. I never looked back, and I never once regretted it. I raised two children on my own for 13 (and 3) years before my DH & I found each other. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. For me, it’s a matter of respect; FOR me, and OF myself. I know my worth, and no one will ever take that from me.
    DH has been on the receiving end of betrayal, on an EPIC scale, and I know in my soul that I can trust him with everything, including my heart. He would die before he’d ever break it. I reciprocate that.
    YOU deserve that, and your “husband” should have given that to you on day 1.

    I wish you all the best on this journey. Your road is long, and hard, but in the end, I know you will come to the decision that is good for you.

    Love & hugs!
     
  13. Sunstorm
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    by Sunstorm » Feb 3, 2018
    What a great story @Matthews1127!!! It was worth reading it and many excellent points you raised.

    BTW; I too think that it is a great idea to do a project for yourself @Crystal_Dreams. I have done that before when going through a similar situation and it really helps because it is symbolic, something that makes you think how much you value yourself and how valuable you are.

    Anything you can do to stabilize YOUR life, do that. Do things only for yourself to find yourself again. Anything that helps you with your self esteem now is a great idea.

    Therapy, support groups, hobbies, even volunteering, of course a bit of retail therapy, massage, nails, whatever is you and make you feel better. Come back here to report or just share, we have pretty resilient shoulders here to cry on.
     
  14. Matthews1127
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Matthews1127 » Feb 3, 2018
    ^——-THIS!!! ALL OF THIS!!!
    Quite frankly, you need to have a shopping spree, for you, with his money. Let him “treat” you to a fun day purchasing whatever your heart desires! Obviously, let him know...honesty is the best policy! He should be able to “Trust” you with his wallet, right? :lol-2:
    Just think of it like this: it’s not a gift from him. It’s a gift from you, with his money. Win-win! You get special stuff & get to keep your money in your bank account! ;)2
    Just to be clear: I’m dead serious.
    It’s not a permanent fix, but it’s damn therapeutic!! :mrgreen2:
     
  15. Matthews1127
    Ideal_Rock

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    Apr 7, 2017
    by Matthews1127 » Feb 3, 2018
    @Sunstorm,
    Thank you. Not the easiest story to tell, as its content is rather disturbing, but one that should be told, often. I never understood what he saw in that, in the first place, and it made me gag, every time I saw them in the hallways of our HS, together....lol!! I can’t tell you how often I wanted to grab him, punch him in the face, and scream, “What is wrong with you?!”....
    Love is truly blind.
    She was no good, then, and she leaves even more to be desired, now....

    At least, while she was in the relationship of 1.5 years, she left us alone, for the most part. Just hope that she doesn’t get all crazy stupid, now that he’s gone...lol!! She loves drama.
     
    


    


  16. whitewave
    Ideal_Rock

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    by whitewave » Feb 3, 2018
    From all my friends: start keeping all of your receipts just in case and go get a new car.
     
  17. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Feb 4, 2018
    Thank you everyone for your support and kind words..

    Thankfully, I am financially independent. We have joint accounts for the mortgage, but I have a good career and my own car. That's one less thing to worry about.

    Almost as soon as I found out, I went for STD screening (I AM a doctor afterall- this was a practicality I knew I had to deal with) which was all clear. It was also something that I requested that he undergo when we decided to see if we could make it work. I have all the results which were fine.

    I guess I should say that although I have clearly detailed how he lied me to me on discovery which was the worst thing possible, I (hope) that I finally have a good idea of what happened now. To be honest, I don't think I really need to or want to know much more. I've had to learn the HARD way that although there are always questions that I may be BURNING to ask depending on what I/we are doing at the time, sometimes it's best to be kind to MYSELF and not ask for my own sake. You can't unhear things.

    My husband has as of maybe 1.5 months ago (after trying to minimise the number of times and the details of the affair at the start- he rationalised this as trying to prevent me from getting more hurt and upset LOL... as if that's possible)... committed to finally telling the truth. At least, he says he is (he said he was then too). But he appears to be whenever I do ask a new question, giving me answers which are at least expected and plausible. That's a start.

    He does acknowledge that this entire thing was because HE was a selfish cowardly weak willed entitled piece of sh*t who cared about himself above all else. This was the person I blinded myself to seeing he had become over the last 4-5 years. I honestly don't believe he was always like this... retrospectively, I can see that he changed with certain changes in life situations at the time and a change in the group of friends he socialised with. He was shocked initially and disagreed when I told the marriage counselor that he had changed for the worse in the last 4-5 years. It has taken awhile and many discussions about previous behaviors, attitudes and thought processes, but he now does seem to believe and accept that he DID become a terrible selfish person. He also does now seem to bear a lot of self hatred for what he has done as well as shame and guilt. He has acknowledged that the affair was all about him- his self esteem, his ego etc. and has with help reflected on some of the underlying issues there. I hope his psychologist is able to help him delve more into this.

    Or he could be the best actor in the world. Or maybe I'm just stupid.

    I'm certainly not defending him and sometimes I wonder if I should even try to make this work. Whether it can ever work.

    As for the other woman. I hate her (of course), but really, it's HIM who I blame. No one forced him to do this. I almost pity her to be honest. She obviously believed that he was so into her that he would leave his marriage, or she wouldn't have made her move. Really, I see her as a malicious but stupid trashy little whore who is if nothing else, naive and selfish. I do have occasional thoughts of revenge (luckily for me she lives in another country) but I KNOW that it's beneath me to even give her the time of day.

    I know that I will never trust him 100% again. The problem is... I will NEVER trust ANYBODY 100% ever again in my life. It's sad, but true. I will never have blind faith in someone again just because I love them. I think this will hold for me regardless of whether it is towards him, or towards a new partner. This lesson hurt too much to not leave a lasting impression.

    I compartmentalise things a lot as I have had to learn to do in my job, to give myself a break and to remain functional. It often breaks out though- I can only contain it for so long. So I have to be careful to ensure I allow myself periods of time to grieve and feel the betrayal and loss. Those times are the worst.

    I hear of so many stories where people who have discovered infidelity just leave and move on. Are there no success stories out there?


    As for the shopping spree part of it- well yes that has kind of happened already :D There's one plus to all this.

    I purchased the lovely Norah band with 40 pointers that was on LT (I actually did tell him about it and he said if it makes you even the slightest bit happier, go for it) which is now with Caysie being sized.

    Other additions to my haul include a 8.5-9mm Hanadama strand of pearls, Natural white hanadama pearl earrings, blue AND white baroque akoya strands and of course my OEC ring which Caysie has kindly named for me.

    I'm going to have a bit of a big SMTB thread to start up one of these days.
     
  18. Crystal_Dreams
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Crystal_Dreams » Feb 4, 2018
    ETA: I forgot the OEC 2 stranded necklace I traded in my IDJ huggies with JBG for :)
     
  19. Sunstorm
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    by Sunstorm » Feb 4, 2018
    @Crystal_Dreams it is kind of an oxymoron but no, I do not personally think that cheaters can ever be trusted again and at the same time if you want to work on the relationship, you have to trust the other person. Like I said this will sound like a huge contradiction. I will try to explain why I think so.

    Cheaters are rarely one time offenders. This is because cheating is a character flaw. It is basically the same as lies, stealing, other types of abuse (yes I do believe that all of the above are among abusive behavioral patterns) etc. which are all signs of some sort of cluster B personality disorder traits. Most of these people have pathological narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc. The severity of which depends on a case by case basis. The defect in the personality causes adaptive integration problems in society, in this case in the marriage. The person feels entitled to do what they are doing while not taking into account the other person´s feelings. Again a huge character flaw.

    As otherwise there is just never an excuse to cheating. Never. If you are a sound person, you leave an nonfunctional relationship before you start another relationship. This is the least you can do. Normal people with normal ethical, moral values at least give the courtesy and respect to the other person to do so. A person with cluster B does not take responsibility for their actions and many never feel remorse. They can be extremely good actors to show the opposite though.

    That said IF you really want to give this a try, couple´s therapy and individual for both of you are paramount. This will only work too if he is honest and he does want to change. The problem is most of them do not want to change at all. They will just pretend to want to until the storm is gone. These people rarely love others the way we think love is to be felt. They in fact do not really love themselves either. If they are willing to get to the bottom of the problem, they might change but success rate would be very low.

    Let me remind you that this was not a one time occurrence. This went on for almost the entire marriage. I could tell you many similar stories from friends and some of mine. We all ended up leaving and are happy today, very much so. As it is not your fault.

    I know you want to hate the other woman, I did too but in fact it is not the fault of the other woman. You have no idea what he told her. It happened to me once that I was dating someone and after months I found out he was living with someone else. I did not even know about it. I have a friend who found out after years that she was the other woman. We both left but maybe she did not because she loved him as much as you loved him. I think that he may told her that he will be leaving you soon and that is why she dared to contact you. Quite honestly that is just what cheaters tell the other woman. I know this hurts and I am sorry but we should all face reality, which does not mean he did want to leave you. It does not even matter, just like it does not matter whether she was a good or a bad person. Perhaps she was really evil, most likely she was not. The one responsible here is him and only him as she was not part of your union and unity, he was the one that broke your unity as a couple.

    A relationship IS in fact a unity of two people, it is a dance between two people with some healthy autonomy and independence but a unity regardless.

    Lastly let me tell you that you will learn to trust and you should work on that. It may take you a long time. In my opinion it should not be this person but because one person is flawed, does not mean the rest of the world is. My parents divorced because of my father´s cheating. I experienced it too. I learnt to trust and I am very happy. I know that my partner is simply not one who would cheat. That said, if I saw any sign of infidelity of any kind, I will be out of there. Same goes and has always gone for those who decided to steal from me, lie to me, hurt me physically, etc. There is a healthy future for you. For him, maybe not but you are the one that is stronger and a good person.
     
  20. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Feb 4, 2018
    Even I she didn’t know at the start when they met and they exchanged contact details... she certainly knew shortly afterwards and continued with whatever it was they had regardless

    That’s why she contacted me. It was never a omg I’m so sorry but I think you should know kind of message... she did it with intent and once contact had been cut between them... she came after me again instead. I did reply to one of her messages once- to say we had had a talk and he had confirmed what she told me initially. I left it at that. She clearly wasn’t content to...

    I am just taking each day as it comes. I think it’s best to give myself (and him) some time to see if any real change can be made. I guess what I’m doing is reserving judgement for now on whether I can ultimately stay, and just observing to see what his behaviour and attitudes do in this upcoming period. Perhaps he will stop trying, or become selfish again. Perhaps he will contact her again or cheat again. Perhaps no meaningful change will come about. In that case, my decision is easy. Leave and know I’ve given it my best chance.

    If in 6 months or however long, he continues to be changing positively, and is actively seeking to continue doing so, then I will again, reserve judgement and see. At some point if that continues I suppose I will know if I can live with what has happened. If not... again, I know what I have to do...

    The only way I’m in for good is if i truly believe in time that he changes all those behaviours and issues which led to this. I have told him this. Hence why we are both in counselling (individually and couples). I’m not finding it terribly useful so perhaps it’s time to find a new counseller. But maybe I’m just a difficult patient.
     
  21. Sunstorm
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    by Sunstorm » Feb 4, 2018
    No, you are not a difficult client. The therapist is likely not a good match then if you have been going for a while. I know that my couple´s (and individual later) therapist changed my life. But it took a long time and effort to find her. You will know an amazing therapist once you find the one. It is a lot of trial and error but yes you have to give it some time to really come to a conclusion and it is really important to attend at least once a week regularly and put in all the effort you can.
     
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  22. missy
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    by missy » Feb 4, 2018
    Completely agree with @Sunstorm. Just want to add don't convince yourself it is you who is the difficult one or a difficult patient or spouse or friend etc. Not the case and I feel the negative self criticism takes a toll. Not saying you do this at all but just wanting to expand upon the sentence you wrote that maybe you are the difficult one. I know about this because sometimes I let others convince me I am the difficult one or demanding (another popular word thrown about) when that is not the case at all. You are just looking for the right match and as Sunstorm wrote it takes a lot of trial and error to find the right match/fit. Patience and persistence and positive thoughts can all help.

    I was just having a convo with my husband about if I am too demanding or too picky etc as I have been dealing with a few medical mystery issues and none of the health care professionals seem to be able to help. And in fact often give quite incorrect info (I do my now research as I am in the healthcare field). It seems there is incompetence all around and occasionally I question myself. But in reality it just takes a lot of work to find the right people who can help you/ the right treatments that work. And again while I am not going through the same thing it can be expanded to many different issues in that it sure can take a lot of work no matter what successful treatments you are in search of. Don't blame yourself. You will find the right person/therapist/treatment. Don't give up and don't put the blame on yourself.

    I also agree with you @Crystal_Dreams, take it one day at a time and when necessary one hour at a time... Sending you continued good thoughts and healing vibes and comfort and strength and hugs.
     
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  23. Matthews1127
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    by Matthews1127 » Feb 4, 2018
    ^—— Sunstorm hit all points swirling in my head. All of this is true more times than not, which is why there are few to no success stories concerning infidelity, abuse, and neglect.
    If the affair began 6 months into your marriage, and never ended, this didn’t just happen in the past 4-5 years. Honestly, you don’t really know him; you know the man he wants you to know. This man is pathological, and not worthy of your trust. As mentioned above, attaching your trust issues to the rest of the world is damaging, and robs you the opportunity to find love, elsewhere. Not everyone is like him, and you owe it to yourself to see that; to find it.
    My husband had a VERY difficult time trusting me, after 25 years of lies, infidelity, and pain that SHE caused. I basically rehabilitated him with love, compassion, and space to learn & understand that she & I were polar opposites. He had to learn that for himself, and I made it my mission to help him love, again...by loving him like she had never loved him...for real, with everything I had. In spite of all of the hurt & pain I had experienced in my life, before he re-entered it, I put all of that aside to ensure that he knew his worth. In doing so, he taught me I was worth more than I initially thought.
    The RIGHT man will help you trust, love, and teach you more about yourself than you ever imagined.
    You’re a physician, which means you’re a “fixer”. You can’t “fix” him. He has to “fix” himself, and, until he got caught, he had no intention of ending his tryst with the other woman. Hating on her won’t change his attitude, his intent, or his actions, and, as mentioned, you don’t know what he has told her about you, your marriage, and what he wants from THEIR “relations”. If he lied to you, he lied to her, too. I feel sorry for both of you; you are both victims, and he is nothing but selfish and a piece of shit.
    All the therapy in the world will never change who he is, and I believe he has shown his true colors. Your eyes have now been opened. See him for who he really is: a narcissistic, egocentric sociopath. People like him CAN’T change; they are hard wired this way; it’s chemical, and NOT a choice.
    To update you on my story, my DH & I just got word that the reason why the guy recently packed up & left his ex-wife (words out of his mouth) was because “he couldn’t handle her drinking, her abuse & her crazy, anymore.” She learned nothing from the destruction of her marriage to my husband; she’s still the same drunk, abusive whore she has always been...and I saw those character flaws in her when we were in HS. I never liked her, then. I think even less of her, now. I don’t care about the adults in the circumstance, I care about the 4 children who live that nightmare; my step-children. Thankfully, almost all of them are grown, and will be moving out, and moving on with their lives. Their only place of stability is here, with us. It’s like night & day.
    I can understand why you want to hold on to your marriage; my DH did the same thing. All it did was harm him more, prolong the anguish, and cause more pain. Unfortunately, that’s what I see in your future. I hope I’m wrong.
    Best of luck to you; please keep us updated. I know all of us would love to hear/read one of few to no success stories, in your circumstance!!!!
     
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  24. Sunstorm
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    by Sunstorm » Feb 4, 2018
    There is a lot of truth to what you said too @Matthews1127.

    No, people usually do not change at their core. If they are selfish, narcissistic and sociopathic, they will always be that. Perhaps they will cover up their actions better... for a while. In the long run, I agree, there is no "cure" to who they really are.

    I also agree that when people try to forgive, 99 % of the time they open themselves up for much more pain and suffering that leaves even deeper scars and waste their time instead of building a real family.

    I am saying this because I did and unbeknownst to me, I did it twice.

    I forgave the cheater the first time, he did everything to beg, to plead, he told the other woman he never wants to talk to her again in front of me. I gave him another chance. He did not cheat again for years but he became more and more antsy and abusive. Four years later there we were again, this time much more serious and I was caught by surprise. It was really hard to leave. He did not want me to leave at all, he lied and lied, even when we three met. At the end I ended up suffering a lot more and wasted my entire twenties on this and another few years to heal.

    The second time my ex fiancee went back to his ex girlfriend, who, as it turned out, was never really out of the picture. It also turned out at the end that I was not the first one he fooled and moved in with him while keeping the "ex" as an option. The "ex" is the mother of his child today.

    That said, I tell you one thing, listen to what others are saying but take your own pace. Everyone knows when it is the right time for them to leave. It cannot be hurried, it is to each their own decision.

    And just so you know, I am really not bitter because I learnt a lot, I learnt what not to do and I also learnt what real love was not. Today I have found myself again and while no relationship is without its humps, today I know what it feels like to really love and be loved, which I had never known before my current three year relationship. Now that I know the difference, I also know that it was worth waiting for that. After the first shock, I thought I would never find love and happiness again, today I know that I have only found it now. Easy to talk from hindsight I know but one day you will be able to put this all into perspective.
     
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  25. whitewave
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    by whitewave » Feb 4, 2018
    The people I know who stayed together and moved on from the husband'a affair all went to counseling where BOTH of them had to deal with their parts that they contributed to the affair happening.

    Yes, I'm serious.

    The wives also had to admit that they were neglectful, busy, etc and that they had a part in setting the foundation for an affair to happen.

    I have talked about this with them, and to me it makes sense.

    I think if you walk away, cheater is always a cheater, etc then that mindset is it was 100% him, he changed, you didn't, it is 100% his fault.

    I think if you stay together, it is the mindset that both of you changed and one felt neglected and cut off from the other and sought out another who was "grass is greener"...... that you both have issues you need to work on and that marriage isn't about your needs but about you meeting the other's needs (and vice versa).

    I do have several friends who are still married and 15+ years out from the affair with no more affairs and solid marriages and in some cases more kids.

    But they had to work hard at it and BOTH people had to acknowledge that they had issues they each had to work on.
     
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  26. whitewave
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    by whitewave » Feb 4, 2018

    Yes, given these circumstances, it likely IS all him.
     
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  27. cmd2014
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    by cmd2014 » Feb 4, 2018
    I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I’m also glad that you’re in individual therapy too. If you’re not finding it helpful though, maybe you need to find someone who is able to challenge you to maybe look at the things that you may not want to see.

    FWIW, I honestly think there is a difference between a one-time decision (stemming from feelings of neglect or low self esteem or a need to feel attractive again) followed by a full and repentant disclosure and a willingness to change whatever wasn’t working, and an 11 1/2 year affair followed by denials, more lies, and minimizations. This didn’t happen in the past 4-5 years. He didn’t just ‘become’ selfish. I can’t imagine sitting across from the person (people) I love and lying every single day like he has done to you, your friends, your families....it hurts my heart that maybe you don’t feel that you deserve better than this, and I have to wonder what it is that’s keeping you willing to be in that kind of relationship. Maybe it’s because you’ve never been with anyone else? Or you never got a chance to be on your own? Whatever it is, I hope you figure it out, determine what you are really worth, decide on what it is that you really want, and find the life that you deserve.

    Hugs to you. Be kind to yourself in sorting this out. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2018
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  28. Crystal_Dreams
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    by Crystal_Dreams » Feb 4, 2018
    I’m probably going to stop posting in this thread as t appears to be quite damaging to my rather fragile mental state at the moment. I’ve had multiple breakdowns and attacks since starting this...

    I posted on PS because I feel like I belong here in this big bling loving family! I still do. But I guess some things I need to sort through myself.

    I appreciate everyone’s support and well meaning wishes. It just really isn’t helpful for me to continuously read things about how things will definitely turn out for the worst and he is going to keep cheating and will never change. I know everyone is trying to help me and make me see what you all see- that I can do better and that I should take myself out of a painful situation.

    I am only still barely hanging in the marriage because I am trying to see if we can get this to work, and despite what has happened, I do feel that my husband genuinely wants to work on the marriage too.

    And no- I won’t be settling and I don’t feel I don’t deserve more. Even if my self belief and self esteem are shaken, I KNOW for a fact that I will be ok eventually if I leave. I’m not staying because I don’t know how to exist without him. I have a good job and friends. I am intelligent and I am more attractive than him AND the other woman put together! I know these things. If this ends, I know I will be able to find someone else sooner or later.

    I am still here because I do still love him. He doesn’t deserve a second chance- but I am tentatively giving one anyway out of my own grace... because I want to. There will be no MORE chances, of that I am certain. But I want to do this. As filled with doubt and fear and everything bad as I am, I’m here because I still want to be for now...

    I have asked him many a time how I contributed to the relationship such that he became like this. He says I have been perfect- that it is all entirely his fault. I don’t believe this. My faults were likely that I worked very long hours (shift work) and I likely stopped investing as much to keep things going in the relationship. The affair is all his fault. But I am not the perfect angel that he seems to keep telling our counseller I am now.

    I own these bits that I contributed. I struggle to fix them right now because of how badly damaged I am, and my career has been my LIFE. But I will try...
     
  29. whitewave
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    by whitewave » Feb 4, 2018
    I am married to a doctor. It is not an easy choice-- difficult schedules, brilliant people who likely have some issues, etc... brilliant people tend to be complicated imo.

    Good luck. It will be hard but you will know over time if it will work.
     
  30. canuk-gal
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    by canuk-gal » Feb 4, 2018
    HI:

    Healing vibes across the miles.

    kind regards--Sharon
     
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