I could use some advice or a kick in the head...

[Calliecake]

I have very similar situation.
I have tried to give my son the tools and permission to not feel this is his responsibility. But---he is a good young man with morals and he looked at me and said "but I would take care of you Mom, if you needed it. I have to do the same for my father."
I understand what he is saying and have to respect it. I don't like that his father is putting him in this position but I can't control that.


@Elizabeth35[/USER] thank you for your post. This is why I have helped my dad, even after I know I am being lied to. At the end of the day I know I have to look at myself in the mirror. I would worse not helping him then helping him. I’ve done many things thru the years to help family, friends and complete strangers. I’m unable to turn my back on my dad even after being in therapy about it. My brothers will have nothing to do with him. There are days I wish I could do the same.

 

[doberman]

I'm sorry, this situation really blows. It's time for a good long discussion with your son about actions and consequences. If MIL starts blithering her nonsense while you're present I would cut her off immediately and tell her she's way out of line.

 

[TooPatient]

@House Cat your update hit me as I have said the same thing about not letting my mother go homeless. Try brainstorming ideas that would keep your ex off the streets but NOT in your son's home and at a cost that could be sustained.

Motorhome bought used then pay a parking fee in a trailer park? Minimal apartment with just the basics?

Your son may feel better talking with you if he feels you understand and respect his feelings on this. Help him find an option that will minimize damage to his life. (He can always choose to not support at all or end the support any time!) That is why I lean towards motorhome when thinking about my family -- they can always drive away in it even if I chose to end all help so I wouldn't be leaving her sleeping on the sidewalk.

 

[GliderPoss]

This is definitely a difficult, frustrating situation - I really feel for you! I think:

1. Don't engage with grandma unless she raises it with you. Shut her down calmly & quickly.
   
2. Trust in your son's good judgement - encourage him to stay at college and chase his career.
   
3. Make clear your feelings ie. It's NOT his responsibility and to avoid being manipulated.
   
4. Then don't nag on the subject unless he raises it again himself.

 

[House Cat]

My therapist said I shouldn’t call the grandma. LOL! I asked twice. (I still want to! But i won’t! Dang you morals!!)

@Calliecake your comment about needing to look yourself in the mirror really resonated with me. My son is that kind of man. I know that he would need to feel this way about his dad.

After reading that, I texted him and apologized for some of the things I said that were manipulative because that wasn’t my intention. I also told him that my husband and I would be there to support him no matter what.

My biggest nightmare would be for my son to face this awful thing without my support.

@TooPatient it is very good advice to brainstorm ideas for living arrangements for his father. I think we will do that after some time has passed. I don’t want to push too hard right now. My son is still speaking to me

I am so happy that I posted here because everyone has provided valuable wisdom to this situation and it’s helped me a great deal. Thank you.

 

[partgypsy]

I hope that your son, with his upbringing and also support of his girlfriend, finds his way through. Because yes, once he opens the door to helping his Dad, it will be hard for him to shut the door. And for the people who live off other people, it's their full-time job, to make sure the gravy train doesn't stop. they will have more energy, time, etc to wear the people down they are leeching off, than the people to resist. I think about my Mom. At first she was an only child. But 5,7, years later her brothers were born. She had been told before then that they would pay for her to go to college (very smart) but then when the time came, she was told instead of going to college, she should get a job and help support the household and her younger brothers. She did manage to go to college after all (her grandmother paid for it). But there was a pattern, of devaluing the females in the family to support the males. Sure enough my black sheep alcoholic uncle ended up moving in with grandmother and living off her. And my mother after getting divorced, my black sheep alcoholic brother moved in with her and she is financially supporting him 100%. She did not learn the tools from her family about boundaries, saying no, and putting herself first. In the same way she has hinted, what will happen to him, what will happen to my sister, when she is gone? I keep saying, I will help them find resources through social services, but they are ADULTS and responsible for themselves. I think if I let my sister move in, it would teach all the wrong examples to my daughters. (I would never in a million years let my black sheep brother move in with me or give him money.) I don't want another generation affected by this codependency.

I also think if he talked to a counselor, the counselor could point out how clearly inappropriate it is, for a father (who was not really even part of his life or raised him) asking his son to support him.

 

[bludiva]

I forgot to mention this is the second time grandma has brought this up! She’s dead serious about hobbling my son straight out of college.

I think it needs to be made very clear to him that no matter what grandma says, his dad's situation is a result of his dad's choices, and he is zero percent responsible for that. Whatever you can do so that the impending guilt trips (because she will keep at it) can bounce off him like Teflon. He needs to know that it's ok for him to set this boundary. It's a hard thing to tell your loved ones no, especially at that age.