I’m so overwhelmed

[whitewave]

All of a sudden it hit me. So many emails, so many giving Tuesday pleas. I’m suddenly sleeping 12-13 hours a day.

Do you all think it could be my BIL’s death (September, 34 years old, completed suicide we had no idea that was an option) coming back at me? I was doing so much better, and now I feel like I am drowning in stuff and things. Does that even make sense?

Oh, and my longest friend’s mother died Sunday. She is like “minor mom” to me, so I have another funeral to go to soon. Maybe I can skip that? Would that be reasonable? I’m still sort of traumatized by seeing Dead BIL on my birthday to see if we could have an open casket.

I’m having trouble functioning all of a sudden. It’s like my brain and body aren’t working right.

BTW, I’m abandoning the pear diamond idea for my SIL. She is going to need money. She and the babies are going on Medicaid and she will only have to work 1 day a week now. His life insurance was about 100k as far as we can tell, which was enough for her to pay off the house.

 

[Matata]

First, hugs. It's entirely normal for you to be experiencing depression due to your BIL's suicide. You probably didn't even realize how you were holding yourself together until your brain said "enough". What you have to do is figure out a way to work through it in a way that is effective for you either with professional help or with a grief support group. As for your friend's mom's funeral, I'd hope your friend would understand if you told her why you aren't up to attending. Time for you to stop, take a deep breath, and figure out how to take care of you.

 

[AprilBaby]

The combination of loss and the holidays is overwhelming for many people. I fall into a Christmas depression many years because it reminds me of all of the loved ones who I miss so very much and the holidays we used to have. I realize at the same time I am cheating my current family out of those memories but I just can’t do it. Last year we went away to escape Christmas. This year we are leaving right after. I just can’t wait till it’s over. Also the darkness of the time of year is killer. I just Lee.p thinking the shortest day of the year is right around the corner.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Hugs.
Grief and trauma isn’t a predictable thing, sorry you’re going through it. I can’t imagine how disorienting it must be.
Sometimes the thing that helps me get through is remembering that what’s happening now wont be what’s happening forever.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[iluvshinythings]

For me, grief/trauma/depression isn't linear. It progresses as it progresses and sometimes I feel it more or less or differently than I do at other times.

I've been though a couple of traumatic situations and your response sounds familiar to me. I can suck it up and deal with everything for a time and then suddenly I can't deal with anything. The best way I can describe it is that at times I feel like I'm wearing a lead blanket through life. Like @MakingTheGrade said, it comes and goes and time does help. I've also found therapy to be extremely helpful and have also benefited from medical treatment. Everyone is different, so you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

I'm very sorry for your losses and hope you recover soon.

 

[lyra]

Extreme stress can trigger health issues too. If you're exhausted, you need rest. You've been through a lot in a short period of time. Take it easy on yourself. You need a break. People should understand. You don't want to end up in the hospital with an illness brought on by exhaustion and stress. Please take care.

 

[TooPatient]

The world won't end if you don't participate in the giving campaigns. Set them aside. Unfollow for 30 days any post like that you see. Step away from FB/Twitter/IG/Etc if you need. Whatever works for you.

The world won't end if you take a few days (or more) to return emails, texts, etc. Set them aside and get back to them when (if) you feel. Log out of your email if you need to and leave it alone until you want to address things again -- and there is nothing that you HAVE to go back to if you don't want. Ignoring everything that came in for a week won't hurt anyone even if you never go back and look at what you missed.

As to your friend's mother... That has got to be hard for you. I'm sorry you lost her and doubly sorry it happened at a time you are already struggling with hard emotions. If you don't feel up to going, no one will think any less of you. Send flowers and a quick note to your friend if you need to. Think hard on this one before you do. You describe her as your "longest friend" and her mother a "minor mother" to you. While it may ease what you are going through now, would it be harder on you in the days/weeks/months to come if you don't go? There is no going back on this one. It isn't like re-sending an email or whatever. Once missed there is no going back. I don't want to add to your stress, just want to make sure you consider how you would feel either way so you don't regret anything. later.


Anyway, please rest and take care of yourself. Talk here or to a counselor or a friend. Anything you need!

 

[House Cat]

You’ve been through so much. I’m so sorry.

Please try to give yourself permission to rest. Let other people pick up and help for now. It is time for you to recuperate.

It has taken me a lifetime to realize that psychological issues manifest themselves in physical ways. I can tell you that on more than one occasion I though I had a serious illness. The truth was, I had been through too many extreme emotional events and I couldn’t take anymore. The body has a genius way of shutting it all down. I think it is pure survival.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[mrs-b]

I'm sending you warm thoughts and best wishes. I hope you're feeling some ease in your soul very soon. Please check your email - I've sent you a couple of things. ox

 

[MarionC]

This time of year can be challenging with the holidays and the shorter days, even without what you have been experiencing. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. It will take time, but someday you will wake up and things will have « popped back in place ».
Please, get more rest, eat your leafy greens, and maybe find someone to talk it out with.
Like everyone else here, I’m here for you. Sending loving thoughts your way!

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

I’m so sorry for your loss of your dear friend’s mother. I hope you will be able to be with your friend and her family as you celebrate her life and comfort each other. You might be surprised how consoling those memories will be in the days ahead. If it is at all possible for you, I hope you can be there for your friend. She will be grateful.

It is only natural that this new death brings up memories of the other, especially traumatic and untimely death. We are only starting to understand suicide, and how it leaves unfinished feelings for the survivors. Sometimes it is an impulsive decision and there is no warning. Be gentle with yourself as the hurt of this year surfaces from time to time..

I hope you will find the support and consolation your heart needs. You are not alone. I hope you feel stronger soon! (((Hugs)))

 

[caf]

So very sorry. Whatever it is, you need to take care of yourself. Rest up, eat well, sleep and read. Turn off the noise. However, like @TooPatient said, I would think about missing the funeral. There is no right or wrong answer but maybe it would be healing in a way.

 

[Queenie60]

(()) hugs and take care. Wishing you the best and hopes that you can manage your feelings.

 

[jaysonsmom]

((((Hugs)))) I know the feeling, sometimes you just have to shut everything down and get away. I have been there. Maybe shut down all social media, get away by yourself for a while (even an overnighter), and just draw a hot bath......

 

[LaylaR]

Jason's mom is right. Just shut down any non-essential feedback and pamper yourself hardcore for a while.

Do you have an element-- fire, water, earth-- that soothes you? For me it's water. When I am most depleted and need to recharge I go to the ocean or a river or lake and listen to the waves and watch the water until I feel the unsettled parts of me re-align. For my husband it's fire, get him in front of a fireplace or fire pit for a couple of hours and he's feeling better. It's not enough by itself but as part of other pampering and self care it gets me on an even keel faster than if I don't go to the water.

And ditto to grief and depression being non-linear. Not to mention that current events can re-injure us and open wounds we thought were closed. You have to take care of yourself-- it's not selfish it's self-care and essential. ((HUGS)) I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[MamaBee]

I’m so sorry you are feeling so sad right now. Grief comes in waves...It’s stressful for a lot of people during the holidays..the frantic pace, the wish for everything to be perfect for your family. You’ve been through a traumatic event so take the time to take those naps but keep yourself on a schedule so as not to over due. Try to find something each day that you are grateful for and that makes you smile. Say no instead of yes for volunteering sometimes. Spreading yourself thin even if it’s for a good cause could be too much right now. Treat yourself like you would treat someone else during this time. Be especially nice to yourself..These things helped me and continues to help me.

 

[missy]

I am so sorry @whitewave. Agree with so much of what has been written already.

Grief is not linear and it is "normal" to feel a deep sadness about your and your family's profound loss. Tragic, devastating and so sad. Life is filled with unhappiness and how can one ever get comfortable with such grief? You can't.

All you can do is take things one day at a time and when that gets to be too much one hour at a time. Let yourself feel what you are feeling and yes take joy however you can find it when you can find it. I agree that volunteering and helping others helps focus your grief and pain and allows yourself to get out of your head for a while and provides relief.

When you are feeling horribly sad allow yourself to feel that way. Give yourself permission to feel that way and know it will pass and you will find happiness and peace but you will never forget your BIL.
You will always miss him and feel sad he is gone but know that with time you will be able to better deal and manage that pain.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.

 

[tkyasx78]

I don't have any advise but wanted you to know I am so sorry. Please know you are not alone and are cared about. Life can be inexplicably difficult sometimes and there are just no easy answers. ((( HUG )))

 

[Calliecake]

@whitewave , You have been through a lot the past few years. It’s understandable that you would be having a hard time now and feeling completely overwhelmed. Your family is trying to pick of the pieces of a devastating loss. I know you want to be a rock for everyone in your family but you also need to take care of yourself.

Please take everything hour by hour. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Accept that this holiday season is going to be hard. It can be hard for many people who aren’t going thru what you are. Women often try to make the holidays wonderful for their families. No matter what you do, it will still be hard. You can’t fix or change this. Everyone just has to get thru it. That’s when just taking things hour by hour helps. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones. Take care of yourself and know it will get easier for everyone with time.

I thought you had said in the past you were seeing a therapist who helped you. If so, please contact her/him.

I’m sorry you are hurting @whitewave. You are not alone. You can come here anytime you want to talk

 

[luv2sparkle]

I’m so sorry @whitewave. No need to feel guilty. I have felt overwhelmed this year and didn’t give to anything. We don’t always have to give. There will always be opportunities. Missing one doesn’t make you uncharitable, just makes you human. When you are ready (and me too!) the right thing will speak to you.
Praying you will feel better soon and life will look happy to you again. big hugs.

 

[whitewave]

Thank you, everyone, I’ve been reading.

You are right, grief is not linear.

DH is home with a MAN COLD.

I have to go get his blood pressure meds refilled right now.

We have 6 cars currently and I have to get one turned in by next week to end the lease (extension, was rear ended end of August).

I have to get new tires put on today.

I feel like I am drowning in to do lists.

I am probably going to the funeral on Saturday.

Thanks again. I’m trying to slow everything down and take care of me, but the pressure I feel in my chest/gut is always there. (not a heart attack, pressure and expectations).

I did start to cry a little bit the other day, so that for me is good.

My element is definitely water. I should get some Epsom salts. I do have betonite clay and take a clay bath too.

 

[yssie]

::HUGS:: @whitewave!!

You've been through so much recently. And grief is an unpredictable, cruel mistress.

Pare those To Do lists. Do it logically, do it emotionally - do it however you need to and don't judge yourself for it.

I'm glad you're going to your minor mum's funeral Saturday. I know that even unwelcome closure can be unexpectedly cathartic and I know your presence will be appreciated.

Peace, healing, and many long comforting baths!!

 

[JPie]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Grief is weird like that; one minute you think you're fine, and the next you're most definitely not. Even though you've got a lot on your plate, I hope you find time between errands to take a break. I hope you feel better.

 

[whitewave]

Thank you everyone. Your empathetic and supportive messages got me through last night and this morning.


Today is just a bad day— nothing else can be done about it.

And, yes, this is absolutely grief coming back out. I had wondered last week why I was doing so well so soon.

Here are the things I have to get me through tonight:


(My bro is here, so I didn’t drink all of that already). I don’t have to be a responsible adult for the rest of today, so it bath and pjs and chill time already.



And, of course, time for cuddles:


(That is a leaf in the background of the dog photo— lol— it looks like a smear of bodily things)
Thanks again. Self care for the rest of the day.

 

[SparkleFest]

I hope you feel better soon. So sorry to see you so sad, when you brought me such joy in finding my pear diamond ring.
Grief is tough, and all you can do is let it ride, and dog snuggles.

 

[whitewave]

Thank you, everyone, I’ve been reading.

You are right, grief is not linear.

DH is home with a MAN COLD.

I have to go get his blood pressure meds refilled right now.

We have 6 cars currently and I have to get one turned in by next week to end the lease (extension, was rear ended end of August).

I have to get new tires put on today.

I feel like I am drowning in to do lists.

I am probably going to the funeral on Saturday.

Thanks again. I’m trying to slow everything down and take care of me, but the pressure I feel in my chest/gut is always there. (not a heart attack, pressure and expectations).

I did start to cry a little bit the other day, so that for me is good.

My element is definitely water. I should get some Epsom salts. I do have betonite clay and take a clay bath too.

I miscounted lol. We currently have 7 cars.

Turning in one on Monday hopefully.

I’m still having bad days. Just trying to work through them. Took a clay bath with Epsom salts last night and was in bed by 7.

I had a panic attack yesterday. I didn’t go to my friend’s mother’a Funeral as it would have required me to drive several hours each way. I couldn’t make the drive.

I’ll be ok. Just have to go through it— no short cuts.

Thanks, everyone.

 

[OoohShiny]

I've not had a chance to read the thread in full, I'm afraid, but would like to add that grief is a funny thing - everyone deals with it differently, and the subconscious seems to protect us but also throw things at us when we least expect them!

Just take each day as it comes and feel what you feel - it's better to work through things as they arise rather than trying to keep them under tight control, as the latter option just leads to issues later.

I hope you feel better soon, and the up days and down days balance out, hopefully in favour of the former

 

[SparkleFest]

How you doing whitewave? Hope you feel good today. Good is good enough, not asking for great yet right?
I'm enjoying my lovely, oh how she sparkles whitewave, just so pretty. I think of you so often, how great it was that thread you started and I wish you could have seen my happy face when I fully inspected (online) that stone!

Go see someone if you need to.................hugs..............

 

[monarch64]

Hey Whitewave, I keep meaning to post here but am just now getting around to it--I've been overwhelmed myself lately! Just wanted to say that I'm yet another member of the forum you can count on for support. I know sometimes just hearing that helps a lot.

 

[mrs-b]

Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts.