How would you go about handling this?

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 1:39:39 PM
Author: tlh
I am sorry that hurtful things were said about you by someone who was once so close.

I think you''ve received great advice from the ladies, in that you should leave it alone. I just wanted to give you a hug.

Thanks. This thread, and the support, has been like a big huge hug. Reading all the nice things, it makes me feel better and much less sick to my stomach.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 1:49:06 PM
Author: fatafelice
Italia, I agree with the others that staying silent is the best course of action, but personally, I would find that really hard if someone had insulted me in such a way.

BTW, I am curious, was there ever any other news on the neighnor front? Did they make her take out her non-approved landscaping?

Thanks for the support!

As far as my neighbor...honestly, there isn''t much to report. I am still friendly, I smile and wave--I don''t hold grudges...but it''s not like we were ever close before. Her landscape is still in place...so I don''t know how she swung that with at association.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 3:03:10 PM
Author: Diamond*Dana

Date: 7/2/2009 11:37:03 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

The topic is just something I''m sensitive about. While trying to get pregnant, my doctor tried a few different things...and one hormone they put me on made me swell up/gain weight...unfortuantely, this coincided with the last time I actually him. So the comment was...weight related...name calling. Over all, I''m just a sensitive person...and this only magnified that.

I''m going to take the long weekend to think---like I said, my anger was knee jerk...I''m more hurt than anything. But I think in the end, any reaction I give him will only make him happy.

Thank you for your support.

Well it sounds to me like he was being rude and rather heartless, and I don''t think that you should even dignify it with a comment. As hard as it may be, it sounds like it might be best to ignore it and move on. I understand that it is upsetting to you, and I am sorry for that...but he really does not sound like he is worth it...you are better than that!

If I''m being honest...that was probably the hardest point in my life to date...it our last ditch effort to get pregnant--and I gained a lot of weight. It wasn''t in my control 100%...and my depression over the status didn''t help things. I was just really low. I mean, I''ve never been super thin...but I''m short, so even 10 pounds makes a huge difference. This wasn''t that long ago...maybe 8 months...so I''m still working at taking the weight off...which also makes his comment are the most difficult to take, because I look in the mirror and I see that--and to know that he thinks that, it makes me very self conscious (or rather, more so). Not to mention that when we were talking, I was very candid about our fertility struggle...so he knew the lengths I was going to with my body. It was just a low, low, low blow--the easiest thing he could get me on. It makes me sad.

I really don''t have the interest in confronting him anymore. This morning I was so many different "things" that it crossed my mind to really let him have it...but time together with everyone''s advice has cooled me off to a point where I can let my anger go. And you''re right...I''m not going to dignify his immaturity with my time. And while I may never confront him on it, I know what he said...and this is a small world...I will have a opportunity at some point, some day to let him know (maybe not verbally or directly) that we are so, so, so completely done.

 

[Festy]

Italia, it sounds like you have a good attitude about it, which is admirable given how incredibly hurt you must feel. Reading your desciption of him, I can't help but think that this comment he made had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Without making excuses for him, because what he did is utterly cruel and heartless, I will say this: It sounds like he is trying to find himself. He was picked on in high school and has found a crowd where he feels he can be "himself." If it's a hard partying, self-centered crowd I'm also going to guess there might be a lot of cattiness as well and by making that comment perhaps he was showing off a bit. The fact that he did it at your expense is unexcusable and I'm willing to bet that once he matures a little, if he allows himself to remember this, he will be ashamed of himself.

Take care of yourself this weekend - wear an outfit you can totally rock!

 

[Lilac]

You''ve been given some great advice so far, so I just wanted to say I''m sorry you were hurt by this and here''s a virtual *hug*

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 4:56:34 PM
Author: Festy
Italia, it sounds like you have a good attitude about it, which is admirable given how incredibly hurt you must feel. Reading your desciption of him, I can''t help but think that this comment he made had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Without making excuses for him, because what he did is utterly cruel and heartless, I will say this: It sounds like he is trying to find himself. He was picked on in high school and has found a crowd where he feels he can be ''himself.'' If it''s a hard partying, self-centered crowd I''m also going to guess there might be a lot of cattiness as well and by making that comment perhaps he was showing off a bit. The fact that he did it at your expense is unexcusable and I''m willing to bet that once he matures a little, if he allows himself to remember this, he will be ashamed of himself.

Take care of yourself this weekend - wear an outfit you can totally rock!

I am sure on some level you''re right. I know that he''s always been very aware of how people "look"...he''s not one to shy aware from flat out calling someone fat, and he''s not above befriending someone based only upon how "pretty" they are. He''s swallow. I guess until it was directed at me I never saw how completely warped he is.

He''s hard core in the "gay community"...big into the scene, if you will. And that scene is pretty judgemental. I know it''s just who he is, which is why I can be objective.

But, it still hurts.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 5:43:02 PM
Author: Lilac
You''ve been given some great advice so far, so I just wanted to say I''m sorry you were hurt by this and here''s a virtual *hug*

Thank you. Believe it or not...just the kindness makes me feel better.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m sorry he hurt you. Be sad for a little while, over the true ending of your friendship, and then let it go (as you''ve said you would like to). He doesn''t deserve the satisfaction of knowing he hurt your feelings.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 6:49:42 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''m sorry he hurt you. Be sad for a little while, over the true ending of your friendship, and then let it go (as you''ve said you would like to). He doesn''t deserve the satisfaction of knowing he hurt your feelings.

You know, I feel like our friendship ended a long time ago. I honestly hadn''t even thought of him until today. So I''m good moving forward from here--there is no other choice and never will be, I just think I was shocked, you know? Thats why it effected me like it did. I''d never, in my whole life, been attacked like that--and it was blow.

I talked to my mom--which I wasn''t planning on, because she loved T like a son and I didn''t really want to bring her into it. On top of that, I''m embarrassed by what he said...I have some pride, and even speaking what he wrote made me feel vulnerable. But, I did on my way home when she called me--I have been bummed, and as my mom she could just tell. Her reaction wasn''t surprising, since my mom is pretty wise when it comes to this sort of stuff. She said that I shouldn''t feel sad for myself, but that rather I should feel sad for him. Sad that he hasn''t matured past cheap shots, and this sort of thing. She said I should wish him the best, and even more so, wish him clarity and maturity. Those things made sense to me. He doesn''t have permission to hurt me...I''m fine and secure with myself...but the fact that T felt the need to be so cold, well, that''s all him and none of me.

So...moving forward, I''m going to try to focus on the fact that those comments were more about him and less about me. True, they were said about me...but not to me. They were said for the "benefit" of others and they weren''t constructive.

 

[anyname]

I''m sorry that you were hurt by what your former friend did. I''m not sure what to tell you, other then you need to figure out what would you give the sense of peace you need to move on, be it confronting him or just ignoring it. However, I am curious about why this other person needed to call you and tell you to see this hurtful message. What could that have accomplished?

 

[HollyS]

No reason in the world not to write him and ask him . . . "WTF?" And don''t think of him as a friend; he''s anything but.

Regardless of the reason, or the response, you can''t do anything else but ignore it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/3/2009 12:05:01 AM
Author: popcorn
I''m sorry that you were hurt by what your former friend did. I''m not sure what to tell you, other then you need to figure out what would you give the sense of peace you need to move on, be it confronting him or just ignoring it. However, I am curious about why this other person needed to call you and tell you to see this hurtful message. What could that have accomplished?

I think she just wanted me to know what was being said about me, and to give me the chance (if I wanted) to defend myself. She''s not a bad person, mean or even one to stir the pot...she''s just a good friend who thought I should know for myself what was out there. I don''t think she got any pleasure out of seeing me upset...and there wasn''t anything for her to gain from me knowing. She was upset for me, and it bothered her...she felt I had the right to know...and I appreciate that.

My friends all know me as someone who would rather have all the facts and information and make my own choices, than someone who would rather be kept in the dark about things to spare myself some pain.

I think that is what this all boiled down to.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/3/2009 12:15:47 AM
Author: HollyS
No reason in the world not to write him and ask him . . . ''WTF?'' And don''t think of him as a friend; he''s anything but.

Regardless of the reason, or the response, you can''t do anything else but ignore it.

You''re right...I have nothing to gain from confronting him. There isn''t anything he could say that would give me any peace. It''s better to just leave it alone.

As far as counting him amoung my friends...well, I haven''t done that in a while--honestly.

I plan on ignoring it...and leaning on karma here, he''ll understand someday.