How would you go about handling this?

[Italiahaircolor]

Today a friend called me to tell me that I needed to look up a mutual (albeit distant) friends myspace page...that there was a picture up there related to me with a pretty offensive (not to mention embarassing) thing written about me as the "caption".

I hate Myspace...but still have a lingering account from a few years back...so I signed on, and checked it out.

The picture in mention is from my wedding it features the guy ("friend") and his boyfriend, the fact that it even pretains to be in any way is only identifiable because I remember my chair covers --- and my friend was absolutely right, the caption that just totally crushed me. I''m to embarrassed to even write what was said. I''m to embarrassed to tell my husband, or my mother. It was really hard for me to read.

Now, this guy and I go way back. We met in highschool, and were extremely close up until a few years back. When he "came out" (which I supported 100%) he really went buck-wild and got into a scene I wasn''t interested in...tons of partying, drugs, drinking, over time we drifted. We reconnected the year of my wedding, which is why he was invited, because he had settled into a stable relationship and wasn''t living on the edge anymore, but when his relationship ended---again, he went back to wild ways.

We''ve never had a falling out, never had cross words, we''ve just gone in different directions and drifted apart. It wasn''t personal...until now. I''m hurt, embarrassed and confused. I understand that it''s his page, his pictures and he can say whatever he wants--and that most people who look at his page wouldn''t know he was talking about me because I''m not actually in the picture...but just knowing it''s being laid out for everyone to read makes me sick to my stomach. On the other hand...I''m pissed. I want to ask him WTF...why would he do that? I want to confront him.

So, I''ve never really had anything awful written about me online before--never dealt with cyber-nonsense--so this is new...but maybe if anyone has ever been in this particular situation they could tell me what is the most effective way of getting past this. I don''t want it to turn into drama...so even if it means all I can do is ignore it, that''s fine...but I guess I need reassurance.

TIA!

 

[lyra]

Honestly, when you said you didn''t want drama, the path was clear: ignore it. Yes you''re going to be hurt, but no one else needs the satisfaction of knowing that. I question the other "friend" who brought this up too. Far kinder to leave it alone, but what''s done is done. Sorry this happened to you.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I'm sorry that you are upset by this situation. Without knowing what has been said I don't really know how to advise. Perhaps just give the guy a call and tell him you saw the photo and the caption hurt you feeling and to kindly remove it?


Take care.


ETA: if you go this route, trust me...he'll feel like an ass but you won't have to be be "dramatic" about it.

 

[purselover]

Wow, I can''t imagine why he would do something so hurtful to you that you are too embarrased to talk to your mom and DH. I really wish I had great advice to give you, but if it were me I would probably take the next few days to calm down so I don''t send him any rash messages. I would like to think I could just let it go and be glad he is out of my life, but I would probably confront him in some way, whether through a phone call, or myspace message (I don''t have myspace, so I''m not sure if that''s possible) I would let him know I saw it and found it extremely hurtful, b/c while you are no longer close, you once were and you don''t understand what could have happened to make him so hostile towards you.

I wish you the best of luck with this, I really don''t understand why people do things like this to others

 

[decodelighted]

Would anyone else know it was related to you ... expect people who were at the wedding? I''m thinking he must have done it out of bad feelings re: your drifting apart again & if asked to remove it probably would just use the opportunity to lash out MORE, to your face.

There''s something embarrassing about me floating around on the web, but it would only give the person who planted it more satisfaction if I was to get all crazy about it. Its disguised enough that only a handful of people would know it was about me. (And most of them only because I''ve spilled the beans, as I''m not that embarrassed by it anymore).

Consider the source. The guy is lashing out at the world. I doubt other people would judge *you* by his harshest interpretations or attempts at humor? His words reflect most harshly on *himself*. Sorry ''bout it though. I remember that flush of horror -- but I tell you it died quickly & now I can laugh about it.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:17:38 AM
Author: decodelighted
Would anyone else know it was related to you ... expect people who were at the wedding? I''m thinking he must have done it out of bad feelings re: your drifting apart again & if asked to remove it probably would just use the opportunity to lash out MORE, to your face.

Consider the source. The guy is lashing out at the world. I doubt other people would judge *you* by his harshest interpretations or attempts at humor? His words reflect most harshly on *himself*. Sorry ''bout it though. I remember that flush of horror -- but I tell you it died quickly & now I can laugh about it.

DITTO. Someone who writes nasty veiled things about others just wants the drama of being discovered. Attention wh*ring. Don''t feed the troll-ignore it!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:10:01 AM
Author: lyra
Honestly, when you said you didn''t want drama, the path was clear: ignore it. Yes you''re going to be hurt, but no one else needs the satisfaction of knowing that. I question the other ''friend'' who brought this up too. Far kinder to leave it alone, but what''s done is done. Sorry this happened to you.

You''re right. It probably would give me him some statisfaction to know that I was looking at his page...and upset by his words. I don''t, in general terms, care about him--or what he says--or what he thinks. But I was mortified and hurt, so my "do I speak up" was more or less a knee jerk reaction.

Thank you for your prespective.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:10:18 AM
Author: iwannaprettyone
I'm sorry that you are upset by this situation. Without knowing what has been said I don't really know how to advise. Perhaps just give the guy a call and tell him you saw the photo and the caption hurt you feeling and to kindly remove it?


Take care.


ETA: if you go this route, trust me...he'll feel like an ass but you won't have to be be 'dramatic' about it.

I think I am just going to leave it alone. In real life, he's pretty gossipy--and I'm sure any reaction from me would be front page news...and I don't want to give him the statisfaction of knowing how bothered I am this. In the grand scheme of things, I consider Myspace to be very "high school"...and esspecially when it's used for nasty things like this.

And besides...just to show how distant we are...I don't even have his number.

 

[mrscushion]

I think you got good advice. I would leave it alone, too, given the circumstances and the personality of this guy.

Honestly, who''s still on MySpace anyway?!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:11:28 AM
Author: purselover
Wow, I can't imagine why he would do something so hurtful to you that you are too embarrased to talk to your mom and DH. I really wish I had great advice to give you, but if it were me I would probably take the next few days to calm down so I don't send him any rash messages. I would like to think I could just let it go and be glad he is out of my life, but I would probably confront him in some way, whether through a phone call, or myspace message (I don't have myspace, so I'm not sure if that's possible) I would let him know I saw it and found it extremely hurtful, b/c while you are no longer close, you once were and you don't understand what could have happened to make him so hostile towards you.

I wish you the best of luck with this, I really don't understand why people do things like this to others

The topic is just something I'm sensitive about. While trying to get pregnant, my doctor tried a few different things...and one hormone they put me on made me swell up/gain weight...unfortuantely, this coincided with the last time I actually him. So the comment was...weight related...name calling. Over all, I'm just a sensitive person...and this only magnified that.

I'm going to take the long weekend to think---like I said, my anger was knee jerk...I'm more hurt than anything. But I think in the end, any reaction I give him will only make him happy.

Thank you for your support.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:17:38 AM
Author: decodelighted
Would anyone else know it was related to you ... expect people who were at the wedding? I''m thinking he must have done it out of bad feelings re: your drifting apart again & if asked to remove it probably would just use the opportunity to lash out MORE, to your face.

There''s something embarrassing about me floating around on the web, but it would only give the person who planted it more satisfaction if I was to get all crazy about it. Its disguised enough that only a handful of people would know it was about me. (And most of them only because I''ve spilled the beans, as I''m not that embarrassed by it anymore).

Consider the source. The guy is lashing out at the world. I doubt other people would judge *you* by his harshest interpretations or attempts at humor? His words reflect most harshly on *himself*. Sorry ''bout it though. I remember that flush of horror -- but I tell you it died quickly & now I can laugh about it.

Thank you for chiming in. I don''t think anyone else would know this comment was in reference to my wedding and me. I guess whats shocking me the most is the fact that there are bad feelings between us. This is something totally out of the blue. The last time I actually saw/spoke with him was when he came over to my house to pick up a few pieces of furniture I was giving him for his new home after his breakup with his long term boyfriend. We were friendly...nothing was "off". After that point we exchanged a few e-mails and messages...but as he got back to partying and DH & I got wrapped up in baby-making, we just lost touch. It wasn''t from a place of anger, or pain, or resentment...it just was a natural progression....at least it was to me.

I''m sorry that there is something unkind about you out there. It''s very unsettling. I think in time I''ll be able to "consider the source"...but I was just so blown away intially, like you were too.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:26:17 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 7/2/2009 11:17:38 AM
Author: decodelighted
Would anyone else know it was related to you ... expect people who were at the wedding? I''m thinking he must have done it out of bad feelings re: your drifting apart again & if asked to remove it probably would just use the opportunity to lash out MORE, to your face.

Consider the source. The guy is lashing out at the world. I doubt other people would judge *you* by his harshest interpretations or attempts at humor? His words reflect most harshly on *himself*. Sorry ''bout it though. I remember that flush of horror -- but I tell you it died quickly & now I can laugh about it.

DITTO. Someone who writes nasty veiled things about others just wants the drama of being discovered. Attention wh*ring. Don''t feed the troll-ignore it!

Thank you. You''re spot on. He''s a huge gossip, always has been. He loves having the dirt, or someone to talk about. I''d think one humiliation at his hand is bad enough without giving him more "junk" to say.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:36:14 AM
Author: mscushion
I think you got good advice. I would leave it alone, too, given the circumstances and the personality of this guy.

Honestly, who''s still on MySpace anyway?!

Not me! After that, I cancelled my account...goodbye Myspace, goodbye!

Thanks for the support, I''m feeling better

 

[Margot]

I find that most nasty people tend to be very unhappy people. It''s an old story, a bully mentality...misery loves company kind of mess. I have natural reactions to mean things people have said to me, but after I sit back and think, usually they expose other people''s insecurities about themselves.

He may feel some resentment because of your different lifestyles ("on the edge")...because you don''t lead your life the same way, he may view it as your disapproval (even if you don''t care). Maybe he even has issues with his lifestyle (drugs, etc) and this increases his feelings of resentment.

He gets a kick out of making a nasty comment...I wouldn''t get involved...he has to sort out his own anger by himself.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:36:14 AM
Author: mscushion
I think you got good advice. I would leave it alone, too, given the circumstances and the personality of this guy.

Honestly, who''s still on MySpace anyway?!

No kidding! Apparently only people who derive intense satisfaction from saying nasty and hurtful things about others. Italia, I wouldn''t give this guy the time of day, no response is necessary. Don''t let his bitterness affect you.

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry this guy did this to you, and that you''re so hurt, Italia.

I often think of your signature line when I find myself in a situation that tempts me to verbally lash out at someone. It''s very true--he''ll be the one eating those words in the end.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Personally this would eat me up, can you report the pic on Myspace to a mod?

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:21:39 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Personally this would eat me up, can you report the pic on Myspace to a mod?

She could, but it won''t get removed unless it''s indecent or something.

Back when Myspace first started and I was all into it, I used to report people''s accounts as being underage - then the whole account would get shut down and they would have no idea who did it. Hah.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:09:40 PM
Author: Haven
I''m sorry this guy did this to you, and that you''re so hurt, Italia.

I often think of your signature line when I find myself in a situation that tempts me to verbally lash out at someone. It''s very true--he''ll be the one eating those words in the end.

Thank you Haven...I appreciate the kind words.

My happy you like my signature...that means a lot.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:21:39 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Personally this would eat me up, can you report the pic on Myspace to a mod?

I could...but nothing would get done. He didn''t swear, there is no nudity...or anything else Myspace considers "inappropriate". So I doubt anything would be done.

 

[Liane]

I''d just ignore it, as other people have sensibly advised.

Especially if it''s not immediately obvious that the picture is you, it''s not like people are going to see it, read the caption, and have it in the forefront of their minds every time they see you. So just let it go. (If you guys still had mutual friends and this was likely to cause hurtful gossip among people you both knew in real life, that would be a totally different story, but it doesn''t sound like that''s what''s going on here.)

My guess is the guy wasn''t even really thinking about your feelings or trying to hurt you. It was probably more just a casual, opportunistic snark to get "lols" out of his friends, and what you might have thought about the whole thing didn''t even register to him.

Obviously I''m guessing on that and might be wildly off-base, but it''s very common among people I know in other Internet communities to take an unflattering picture of someone and post it for others to mock. They frequently don''t even know the targets.

Yes, it would be extremely hurtful for a friend to do something like that, but I think this just underscores how much you guys aren''t friends anymore. I''m really sorry about that, but the best thing to do is write it off and move on.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:01:05 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 7/2/2009 11:36:14 AM
Author: mscushion
I think you got good advice. I would leave it alone, too, given the circumstances and the personality of this guy.

Honestly, who''s still on MySpace anyway?!

No kidding! Apparently only people who derive intense satisfaction from saying nasty and hurtful things about others. Italia, I wouldn''t give this guy the time of day, no response is necessary. Don''t let his bitterness affect you.

I agree that he doesn''t deserve my attention...clearly he''s not the type of person I surround myself with. But, there is a part of me who wants to verbally slam him into the ground. But what I want and what I need are two different things.

 

[Margot]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:40:38 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 7/2/2009 12:01:05 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 7/2/2009 11:36:14 AM
Author: mscushion
I think you got good advice. I would leave it alone, too, given the circumstances and the personality of this guy.

Honestly, who''s still on MySpace anyway?!

No kidding! Apparently only people who derive intense satisfaction from saying nasty and hurtful things about others. Italia, I wouldn''t give this guy the time of day, no response is necessary. Don''t let his bitterness affect you.

I agree that he doesn''t deserve my attention...clearly he''s not the type of person I surround myself with. But, there is a part of me who wants to verbally slam him into the ground. But what I want and what I need are two different things.

well said

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:39:35 PM
Author: Liane
I''d just ignore it, as other people have sensibly advised.

Especially if it''s not immediately obvious that the picture is you, it''s not like people are going to see it, read the caption, and have it in the forefront of their minds every time they see you. So just let it go. (If you guys still had mutual friends and this was likely to cause hurtful gossip among people you both knew in real life, that would be a totally different story, but it doesn''t sound like that''s what''s going on here.)

My guess is the guy wasn''t even really thinking about your feelings or trying to hurt you. It was probably more just a casual, opportunistic snark to get ''lols'' out of his friends, and what you might have thought about the whole thing didn''t even register to him.

Obviously I''m guessing on that and might be wildly off-base, but it''s very common among people I know in other Internet communities to take an unflattering picture of someone and post it for others to mock. They frequently don''t even know the targets.

Yes, it would be extremely hurtful for a friend to do something like that, but I think this just underscores how much you guys aren''t friends anymore. I''m really sorry about that, but the best thing to do is write it off and move on.

I''m sure if I were to take apart my social circle, we have some mutual friends. I don''t know how long the picture has been posted (I got married in July 07) and I don''t know who has seen it and just said nothing.

You are probably spot on when it comes to him not thinking about my feelings. He is notorious for that exact behavior. He is a gossip...loves to dish...talk behind someones back...he had a tendency to lie. These are all things he did to get other people to laugh, things he did often...and yet, I''ve never (until it was directed at me) consider him malicious before. But he is. Really, really is. As my momma says...he blows out other peoples candles to make his burn brighter.

Thanks for your insight, it hit home for sure!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:57:18 AM
Author: Margot
I find that most nasty people tend to be very unhappy people. It''s an old story, a bully mentality...misery loves company kind of mess. I have natural reactions to mean things people have said to me, but after I sit back and think, usually they expose other people''s insecurities about themselves.

He may feel some resentment because of your different lifestyles (''on the edge'')...because you don''t lead your life the same way, he may view it as your disapproval (even if you don''t care). Maybe he even has issues with his lifestyle (drugs, etc) and this increases his feelings of resentment.

He gets a kick out of making a nasty comment...I wouldn''t get involved...he has to sort out his own anger by himself.

The things is...he''s happy. At least, he''s always made me think he was happy. Before he came out, it was obvious that he was gay...and ergo, in highschool totally picked on and harrassed....I always defended him, we were very close friends. So when he came out, I think he was like "released" from the lie. He found a place where he totally and completely fit in...he could go to Boys Town, and just have fun without being different for the first time ever. And I think that he is totally in his element.

Thank you for weighing in...I made me think outside of my anger for a minute...I appreciate that.

 

[alli_esq]

Italia, I am so sorry you were hurt. It is so awful to find out that someone is saying nasty things about you, no matter how distant they are from you. I have been in almost an identical position, so I just wanted to let you know that you''re not alone being hurt about this type of thing.

There is a reason you''re not friends anymore--and that was your decision. Perhaps reminding yourself that you took control of the situation long ago by deciding not to be friendly with him anymore will help you to feel empowered and not so victimized. I know that''s what helps me.

virtual hugs to you!

 

[tlh]

I am sorry that hurtful things were said about you by someone who was once so close.

I think you''ve received great advice from the ladies, in that you should leave it alone. I just wanted to give you a hug.

 

[fatafelice]

Italia, I agree with the others that staying silent is the best course of action, but personally, I would find that really hard if someone had insulted me in such a way.

BTW, I am curious, was there ever any other news on the neighnor front? Did they make her take out her non-approved landscaping?

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:37:03 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

The topic is just something I''m sensitive about. While trying to get pregnant, my doctor tried a few different things...and one hormone they put me on made me swell up/gain weight...unfortuantely, this coincided with the last time I actually him. So the comment was...weight related...name calling. Over all, I''m just a sensitive person...and this only magnified that.

I''m going to take the long weekend to think---like I said, my anger was knee jerk...I''m more hurt than anything. But I think in the end, any reaction I give him will only make him happy.

Thank you for your support.

Well it sounds to me like he was being rude and rather heartless, and I don''t think that you should even dignify it with a comment. As hard as it may be, it sounds like it might be best to ignore it and move on. I understand that it is upsetting to you, and I am sorry for that...but he really does not sound like he is worth it...you are better than that!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/2/2009 1:39:33 PM
Author: alli_esq
Italia, I am so sorry you were hurt. It is so awful to find out that someone is saying nasty things about you, no matter how distant they are from you. I have been in almost an identical position, so I just wanted to let you know that you''re not alone being hurt about this type of thing.

There is a reason you''re not friends anymore--and that was your decision. Perhaps reminding yourself that you took control of the situation long ago by deciding not to be friendly with him anymore will help you to feel empowered and not so victimized. I know that''s what helps me.

virtual hugs to you!

It sucks. I mean, I''m in my mid/late twenties. I absolutely thought all this highschool BS was well behind me...I''m married, a working professional...I never thought that at my age I''d have to deal with cyber bullying. It''s like I feel stunted.

You''re 100% right, he and I aren''t friends anymore. We don''t consciously travel in the same circle of friends...we don''t hang out at the same spots...we''re have absolutely nothing to do with each other...so, I feel like what he said is even that much more unkind...because, totally unprovoked, he just slandered me.

I''m going to have a stiff drink tonight, a long bath, a good cry (away from work)...and then I''m going to let go. I know that I cannot control what other people think or say about me...those are the facts. But I can control how I let it affect me, that is what I''m realizing as I think it over. I can feel hurt...because what he said was incredibly hurtful...but I can also let it go, I mean...I''ve been called worse things by better people.