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How to respond to snide comments re. ring shopping?

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winternight

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Ok, so I''m looking for a ring and I have been looking at various jewelry stores. Design is very important to me so I''m also looking at some rings at Cartier, as well as Tiffany. I keep getting snide comments from people because that''s were my fiance and I are shopping - like ''you''re paying someone''s rent'' or ''diamonds there are overpriced.'' I''ve been responding that their designs are beautiful and timeless but I just don''t get it. I''m an attorney, so my co-workers aren''t exactly poor (even though we''re government attorneys). I know the rings there are more expensive, they are also gorgous. I''m keeping an open mind and looking elsewhere but I want something classic and timeless. Frankly I don''t get why anyone cares to comment on my choices.

(I''m also looking at signedpieces, but only my good friends get to know about that place!)

Another issue I''m having is people keep telling me how they didn''t spend alot on the ring and how most of the money went to the ceremony (like a 30k wedding, with a 4k ring) . I''m frankly tired of having people tell my fiance that they didn''t spend alot. Our budget is 10k which isn''t even that high but seems to be high among our friends even though they''re mostly attorneys. One guy even said ''oh none looks at the ring once you''re married'' - um, hello I''m going to be looking at it!
 

Mara

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how odd!! it''s always amazing to me how people seem to think you are soliciting their two cents when you tell them something about what you plan to do. i almost feel like saying ''no one ASKED you...'' hahaha. anyway don''t let it get to you...i would just respond saying ''well this feels right for US...'' and that''s it. or say nothing even. i mean obviously if people are trying to put down your choice by saying you shouldn''t be spending that much or they spent less or it''s too material or whatever....they have their own opinions and you saying something won''t change it really. just do what YOU want with your life and that''s that!
 

KimberlyH

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I think I''d stop telling people where I was shopping. Or I''d say "We''re at the beginning of our search and want to know what all of our options are. The ring is being purchased for me and I need to love it forever so I''m not really sure why it concerns you that we''re shopping at a store you wouldn''t, it''s not your ring."
 

asscherisme

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I would not even volunteer where you are shopping. Its none of their business. Just like what you spend is none of your business. Get what you want and when they ask you where you are shopping, just say you are looking at lots of places. When they ask you what it cost say you looked at so many you can''t remember and then ignore them and enjoy your pretty ring!
 

KristyDarling

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Sounds to me like your friends/coworkers are dealing with the green-eyed monster! I think people make subtly snarky or judgmental comments when they''re jealous. So chalk it up to their insecurity and envy and just smile, shrug, and say "Everybody''s different." And leave it at that. Don''t feel the need to justify your actions with further explanation.
 

codex57

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Based on those comments, it clearly like jealousy. I'd just stop telling them what you're doing or make it as vague as possible.

It's one thing to offer up an alternative that's at a discount. Ie, "Don't buy it there. You can buy it here for 30% less." PSers often do that with regards to Tiffany (or other name brand) stores unless the buyer really wants to have that name or exact design.

It's another thing to tell someone not to buy there, but got off on another subject. Have the coworkers explained why they spent so much on their receptions? Do they know you want the exact same kind of reception?

Weddings are complicated. Even ignoring future things like a down payment on a house, there are plenty of areas to adjust your numbers when figuring out your budget. Our wedding prolly cost around $30K. However, we were very happy with it. Had we shifted $5K from the ring to the wedding, we could have spent the money but we chose not to. Considering the same thing can happen within that $30K budget (shifting from one expense to another), their argument holds no water.

That's why it sounds clearly like a case of jealousy. No one looks at the ring after the wedding. Please. No one looks at the wedding. The food is gone. The cake is gone. Dress is packed away. What are you gonna lug around everyday? Your wedding album or your ring?
 

mtrb

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I just wouldn't tell people where you are looking. No reason to tell them it is Cartier or Tiffany. Its none of their business and who cares what others thoughts are in regards to that. If classic design is what you are looking for and you prefer these companies for whatever reason, you don't need to get anyones approval by showing the blue box. That is purely your business.
You are buying this ring for yourself, and not for others around you.. so let them comment on how beautiful it is and don't bother mentioning where it is from.
 

Madam Bijoux

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Sounds to me like your friends/coworkers are dealing with the green-eyed monster! I think people make subtly snarky or judgmental comments when they''re jealous. So chalk it up to their insecurity and envy and just smile, shrug, and say "Everybody''s different." And leave it at that. Don''t feel the need to justify your actions with further explanation.
(Kristy Darling)

Exactly!! Don''t let anyone rain on your parade.
 

winternight

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I might try responding ''everybody''s different'' ha, I like that.

I don''t volunteer where we''re shopping but people ask where we''ve been looking and that''s when the comments come out. Its so annoying. Also one guy was telling me and my fiance how they didn''t spend much on the ring and how we shouldn''t - I was really annoyed by that.

Anyway I can''t wait to get my ring! Its been so much fun shopping for it.
 

firebirdgold

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Totally jealousy!
On PS people get into trying to get fellow PSers the most bang for your buck, but it's not quite the same thing. (Although some people here are overly anti-Tiffany. I love tiffany. I want tiffany jewelry.)
I say go for a Tiffany Lucida ring. It's gorgeous and can't quite be replicated, IMHO. But I'm not a size rules person, I'm more of a ring design and total package person. I think the ring design is just as important as the diamond. Besides I don't really care to wear diamonds over a carat.



ETA: a weird phenomen is that some men are proud of how little they spent on the e-ring. Even though I love my ring, when my fi bragged about having some of the saved ring money left over I was a bit annoyed.
 

VegasAngel

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I agree with the others dont tell people where you are shopping. They are jealous.
 

decodelighted

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Let''s face it ... people generally think you should do AS THEY DID. It makes them feel better & reinforces important decisions THEY made. When you dare to go outside typical choices ... it threatens folks & they can lash out conciously or subconciously.

I also think ... way back in the deepest corners of your mind ... it screws with your perception. You probably THOUGHT people would be all "oh TIFFANY!" and squeal, because, perhaps, that''s what YOU would do upon hearing such shopping plans. Therefore being faced with snide comments instead would be all the more dissapointing.

Well ...

a) don''t let it get to you. the only folks that have to be happy with the ring are you two

b) get ready .. this is just the beginning. you won''t BELIEVE how many people are going to start telling you "the right" things to do and how "wrong" everything you pick is. It''s part of weddings & married life.

Have your friends started to have KIDS yet. HA! Wait''ll you get a load of the "baby pressure". They''ll start making you feel like you don''t DESERVE to be on the EARTH unless you reproduce just like THEM.
But I digress ...

p.s. - if I didn''t have such large hands/fingers ... I would have been very tempted to spend our similar budget amount on a smaller stone in a Daniel K setting ... or even a smaller Tiffany Lucida. Size was my priority mostly for hand proportion - not blingyness!
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 12/5/2006 10:58:14 AM
Author:winternight
Ok, so I''m looking for a ring and I have been looking at various jewelry stores. Design is very important to me so I''m also looking at some rings at Cartier, as well as Tiffany. I keep getting snide comments from people because that''s were my fiance and I are shopping - like ''you''re paying someone''s rent'' or ''diamonds there are overpriced.'' I''ve been responding that their designs are beautiful and timeless but I just don''t get it. I''m an attorney, so my co-workers aren''t exactly poor (even though we''re government attorneys). I know the rings there are more expensive, they are also gorgous. I''m keeping an open mind and looking elsewhere but I want something classic and timeless. Frankly I don''t get why anyone cares to comment on my choices.

(I''m also looking at signedpieces, but only my good friends get to know about that place!)

Another issue I''m having is people keep telling me how they didn''t spend alot on the ring and how most of the money went to the ceremony (like a 30k wedding, with a 4k ring) . I''m frankly tired of having people tell my fiance that they didn''t spend alot. Our budget is 10k which isn''t even that high but seems to be high among our friends even though they''re mostly attorneys. One guy even said ''oh none looks at the ring once you''re married'' - um, hello I''m going to be looking at it!
I think this is a good policy to extend to any conversation about your ring or wedding!!! We here at PS often say save money buy better, it''s just part of the thing that goes along here LOL So try not to take offence at us for trying to get you the best deal ;-) As for those you work with - pretend it''s like choosing a baby name - DON''T TALK ABOUT IT!! Someone, somewhere will find something nasty to say - so don''t give them the opportunity!!
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 12/5/2006 12:26:34 PM
Author: winternight
I might try responding ''everybody''s different'' ha, I like that.

I don''t volunteer where we''re shopping but people ask where we''ve been looking and that''s when the comments come out. Its so annoying. Also one guy was telling me and my fiance how they didn''t spend much on the ring and how we shouldn''t - I was really annoyed by that.

Anyway I can''t wait to get my ring! Its been so much fun shopping for it.
"it''s amusing to me that people always want me to do what they did. There is more than one way to do things, you know."
 

swingirl

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You must have figured out by now that $10k wan''t get you much from Tiffany or Cartier other than ideas. A good internet vendor can custom create any style and there are many examples here of people who had custom settings made that were inspired by the classic timeless designs originally made by Tiffany and others.

So at this point you are just researching and getting ideas. Why bother telling people about your budget or stores you''re shopping at. That seems rather private anyway, somehting for you and your fiance to talk about amoungst yourselves not with coworkers.
 

diamondfan

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Winter, let me ask you something. If you do not get nice feedback, then just stop discussing your plans...just smile and say, we are looking into things. I would not go into any details about things...honestly, everyone does things differently and to each his own. If someone wants to spend more on their wedding and less on their ring, more power to them. This is your time to make your choices. ADvice is one thing, if you ask for it, but nasty comments, likely born of jealousy, are not something you need to deal with each time you discuss your plans. You are entitled to do what YOU want. Trust me, I have heard it all. My second upgrade was a gorgeous three stone from TIffany''s, with a center stone of 3 carats, and one carat on each side. All the stones were E/VVSI, and it was lovely. We have family and friends in the jewelry industry and they rolled their eyes and made so many comments. How could I buy there? How could I pay for the hype? Why was my husband getting it from a retail store and not a family member? I then upgraded, a few years later, to a 9 carat emerald cut from Tiffany''s. I DID NOT dicuss my upgrade and once people saw it I would just shrug...I do not owe anyone an explanation. I just said, Oh, my hubby surprised me for our 15th anniversary and my 40th...and change the subject...I would just smile and act vague and change the subject if need be, and see if that helps diffuse things. Just worth a try, imho, if the negative feedback really bothers you that much.
 

winternight

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I know I can get something bigger for less online but I simply must try on the ring, I also don''t want to go custom for that reason. I don''t know how people do it, I can''t even buy clothes online. I''m very happy with the rings in that price range at Tiffany & Cartier, honestly the setting is very important to me - and the rings I''m looking at e.g. Cartier Ballerina and Tiffany Legacy are all about the setting. I''ve only seen a few rings that I''ve ever really loved on someone else (even among large stones) and one was a Tiffany solitaire the others were all my mother''s rings so I''m just really picky. She''s even suggest having a copy of my favorite ring of her''s made, but its more of a right hand ring.

9ct Tiffany emerald cut!? Wow.

Well I guess I''m sort of used to comments like this anyways because I wear designer purses - it really seems to irk some people. While I''ve spent some good money on some of them you wouldn''t believe some of the deals I''ve gotten, but I''m not confessing that when people make comments, haha.
 

winternight

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Date: 12/5/2006 12:27:47 PM
Author: IndieJones
Totally jealousy!
On PS people get into trying to get fellow PSers the most bang for your buck, but it''s not quite the same thing. (Although some people here are overly anti-Tiffany. I love tiffany. I want tiffany jewelry.)
I say go for a Tiffany Lucida ring. It''s gorgeous and can''t quite be replicated, IMHO. But I''m not a size rules person, I''m more of a ring design and total package person. I think the ring design is just as important as the diamond. Besides I don''t really care to wear diamonds over a carat.



ETA: a weird phenomen is that some men are proud of how little they spent on the e-ring. Even though I love my ring, when my fi bragged about having some of the saved ring money left over I was a bit annoyed.
I totally agree, I''m a total package person myself. Although I''m willing to wear a ring over a carat! No problem!
 

kenny

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Diamondfan you had the perfect and gracious approach.

I'd keep my budget and store selection private.

People who compare themselves to others are doomed to a life of comparing themselves to others.

I think this whole thing says more about how "at peace" a person is with herself than it does about manners.

Manners is on the outside.
Peace is on the inside.
 

winternight

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Date: 12/5/2006 12:38:43 PM
Author: decodelighted
Let''s face it ... people generally think you should do AS THEY DID. It makes them feel better & reinforces important decisions THEY made. When you dare to go outside typical choices ... it threatens folks & they can lash out conciously or subconciously.

I also think ... way back in the deepest corners of your mind ... it screws with your perception. You probably THOUGHT people would be all ''oh TIFFANY!'' and squeal, because, perhaps, that''s what YOU would do upon hearing such shopping plans. Therefore being faced with snide comments instead would be all the more dissapointing.

Well ...

a) don''t let it get to you. the only folks that have to be happy with the ring are you two

b) get ready .. this is just the beginning. you won''t BELIEVE how many people are going to start telling you ''the right'' things to do and how ''wrong'' everything you pick is. It''s part of weddings & married life.

Have your friends started to have KIDS yet. HA! Wait''ll you get a load of the ''baby pressure''. They''ll start making you feel like you don''t DESERVE to be on the EARTH unless you reproduce just like THEM.
But I digress ...

p.s. - if I didn''t have such large hands/fingers ... I would have been very tempted to spend our similar budget amount on a smaller stone in a Daniel K setting ... or even a smaller Tiffany Lucida. Size was my priority mostly for hand proportion - not blingyness!
You know I never thought about it that way! I guess in a sense alot of people want reinforcement. Hmmm.

I''m a size 6 myself, I never thought about wanting smaller hands until I thought about how good they would make my ring look!

Ha, there is only one friend who I told my FI to consult and that''s because he''s a complete snob and rather hilarious, his response was ''oh well 25k budget, definitely, and check out Tiffanys.''
 

diamondfan

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It is sad but also true that some people are snarky or envious and when you have something and they cannot, their answer is to diminsh it or make you feel badly for having it. I have become a bit immune to it. I am 40 now, and my husband makes a nice living. I do not owe anyone anything. If I chose to spend money on certain things, so be it. I had people tell me they would never wear a ring that big (well, then DON''T, this is on MY hand and I like it)...or why do you spend money on X or Y...well, because, in a nutshell, I can, and that is what I like. My children are all well provided for, we give a lot to charity, so at the end of the day it is no one''s business. I learned the hard way that people are either happy for you or they are not. Whatever they have or want in their own life, they are either the type who is happy when you get what is important to you, or they are the type that wants to make remarks to hurt you. I do not know how old you are, and these lessons are tough to learn, but just hold your ground. Live as you and your guy want to...spend on the things that matter to you. I agree that I would rather put money in my stone than on one day, even though of course your wedding day is important too. It is all just a question of choices. Hopefully, when you have a stunning ring on your finger and are thrilled with it, people will get it and keep their less than positive comments to themselves...it is just too much imformation to me, when someone cannot leave you with your happiness or excitement and just want to tear you down...
 

diamondfan

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Winternight, any updates? I am hoping you are able to just deflect and change the topic if it comes up...so you can enjoy yourself during all of this!
 

Maria D

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Date: 12/5/2006 2:36:34 PM
Author: diamondfan
My second upgrade was a gorgeous three stone from TIffany''s, with a center stone of 3 carats, and one carat on each side. All the stones were E/VVSI, and it was lovely. We have family and friends in the jewelry industry and they rolled their eyes and made so many comments. How could I buy there? How could I pay for the hype? Why was my husband getting it from a retail store and not a family member? I then upgraded, a few years later, to a 9 carat emerald cut from Tiffany''s.
Wowza! Are there pictures of these here somewhere? They sound yummy!

I can''t understand why people fret about what someone else spends on a luxury item. If someone''s got $10K to spend on something that''s basically totally unnecessary, what difference does it make to other people if they get the ''big one'' from an online vendor or the ''smaller one'' from Tiffany''s (or whereever). It''s not like the person is taking $10K from the food fund and letting their children starve! Obviously, the purchaser is getting what they want from *their* money.
 

diamondfan

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my ring is in a couple of different threads, if you use my screen name to search it should come up...
 

dtnyc

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No offense to you, but I find it strange that you are speaking so openly about ring shopping before you are officially engaged. If you are sharing this much info now, it''s only going to get worse- they know that a ring is coming and will start asking soon when are you getting engaged and then once you are engaged and wearing the ring it''s going to even worse than that...
 

Maria D

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Thanks diamondfan; a quick search found the link. Your ring is absolutely stunning but I''ve got to be blunt: why was there not room in the upgrade budget for a new digital camera!!!
I went through all 9 pages of the thread looking for more pictures and was disappointed that there were only a few shots of your ring on the first page.
I have to admit that I was expecting a 9 carat stone to be over the top, but your emerald cut is so classic and beautiful that it looks gorgeously perfect. Enjoy it in good health!
 

diamondseeker2006

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To the friends who bragged about spending $30,000 on the wedding and $4000 on the ring, if I had a choice to do that or the reverse, I choose the $30,000 ring and the $4000 wedding! Lol! The ring I''d see and enjoy the rest of my life, and the wedding lasts a few hours...now let me say that I''d want it to be special and memorable, but I have been to some that were that did not cost anywhere near $30,000.
 

starryeyed

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Winternight, I couldn''t agree more with the comments on this thread, especially Kenny''s and Diamondfan''s.

Where you shop, what you spend, and what you select, is no one''s business but your own. With all jewelry, don''t tell people what you pay. Any compliments, just say "thank you" and move on. If they ask about price, just say I don''t remember, or I didn''t pay for it, or it was a gift. If someone is really in your face, just say, "I don''t discuss how much I pay for things", or "that''s private". It takes practice, but you will get the hang of it. We all want to be honest, but that doesn''t mean we have to disclose private matters.

It''s also not a good idea to discuss any spending-related things with co-workers. People get jealous and it can affect your job. It''s not worth it - set boundaries.
 

Cehrabehra

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Date: 12/9/2006 12:49:19 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
To the friends who bragged about spending $30,000 on the wedding and $4000 on the ring, if I had a choice to do that or the reverse, I choose the $30,000 ring and the $4000 wedding! Lol! The ring I''d see and enjoy the rest of my life, and the wedding lasts a few hours...now let me say that I''d want it to be special and memorable, but I have been to some that were that did not cost anywhere near $30,000.
yeah princess for a day or royalty for a lifetime... hmm...... hehehe
 

winternight

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Date: 12/8/2006 9:47:11 PM
Author: dtnyc
No offense to you, but I find it strange that you are speaking so openly about ring shopping before you are officially engaged. If you are sharing this much info now, it''s only going to get worse- they know that a ring is coming and will start asking soon when are you getting engaged and then once you are engaged and wearing the ring it''s going to even worse than that...
I am engaged. He asked, I answered. I told my co-workers because I was excited. I don''t discuss ring budget with them, they ask me where I''m looking and try to offer suggestions. The only reason the ring comes up is I say I don''t have one yet and I''m getting to pick it out.

I know some people might think I''m not officially engaged until I have a ring, but I don''t believe in that. The ring is just the icing on the cake IMO.
 
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