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How much compromise with e-ring?

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
I could use some opinions on an admittedly very minor issue (I believe it's the very definition of a "first world problem").

For background, my boyfriend and I are starting to talk seriously about getting engaged within the next 6-12 months. Our relationship is great - we are both very considerate of each other's feelings, we compromise well and I feel so lucky because he is truly the kindest, sweetest man I've ever known. And funny as hell :love: (but I digress...)

I told BF that the most important thing to me was getting the best quality stone for our budget (ideal cut, eye-clean, flexible on color, not from a mall store), even if that results in a smaller stone in a simple setting. The all-in budget will be about $2-3K.

Now to the issue at hand:

We seem to be clashing a bit on what the ring will look like. I would LOVE an oval or emerald cut diamond in a delicate yellow gold bezel, perhaps with milgrain and a unique basket. I feel like with an oval we would get nice face-up size, it would still be a bit unique and we could always dress it up with a stacking band or two.

Examples of what I like (obviously would be with a much more modest sized stone):
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-vram-iris-solitaire.216262/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-vram-iris-solitaire.216262/[/URL]
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/2-7c-cushion-in-rose-gold-milgrain-bezel-setting-from-erd.176615/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/2-7c-cushion-in-rose-gold-milgrain-bezel-setting-from-erd.176615/[/URL]
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/james-meyer-bezel-reset-has-arrived.97999/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/james-meyer-bezel-reset-has-arrived.97999/[/URL]
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/28/a7/6e/28a76e4a6c14e5c79a0f94632dabce15.jpg)
http://www.brilliantearth.com/Sierra-Ring-Gold-BE126-1152426/?did=2164777&is_tab=1

The problem is that he doesn't like ovals or emerald cuts (he doesn't like asymmetry and therefore prefers rounds and cushions). He doesn't like when the head of a ring looks "plopped onto a band" and seems to really like cathedral settings. He's not too into bezels and he likes rings with side-stones, pave, etc. I don't hate those styles but I think I'm more budget-aware than he is. I've explained to him that the more you spend on a setting, the less you have for a center stone, but he seems determined to avoid anything "boring" and keeps saying he wants to "wow" me.

In one of my less-gracious moments, I said "I'm going to be wearing this my whole life, shouldn't it be what I want?" and his response was "Well I'll be looking at it my whole life too and shouldn't it be something we both like?" Darn, he makes a lot of sense...

Here's the question for you: When you were purchasing your engagement ring, how much compromise did you make with your SO on style? Is my frustration totally unreasonable? Should I be more open to compromising with him?

And bonus question: Does anyone have any examples of YG bezel settings that might have that little "something extra" that would excite my SO?

Whew! If you've read all of this, I congratulate you!
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
In anticipation of someone asking why we can't just pick it out together, BF knows how much I love jewelry/diamonds (I've been lurking on PS since 2008) and he has begun asking me probing questions about what I like, what do you look for in diamonds, etc.

I think he'd like to go look at rings together but he is adamant that he ultimately wants to surprise me. I honestly understand why he feels this way because he's only going to get to do it one time in his life and since he is asking all the right questions and has done really well with other jewelry purchases, I'm not too scared. Also, I think he will very likely involve my sister (who knows my tastes), so he wouldn't be 100% flying solo :)
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,379
Me, I always narrow things down to a handful of choices and get DH's input from there. "Which one do you like best?" Nothing makes him happier than to see me beaming from ear to ear.

I would also suggest creating a pinterest page of rings and diamond shapes YOU like so that when he asks for input from your friends and family, they can point him to the page.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
Thanks Pinto Bean. The Pinterest page is a good idea and one I've already started pulling together (mainly with the links from my previous post).

I guess my very selfish thought is that because I'm not making an out-of-budget demand like "I want a 2ct cushion cut in a custom platinum halo from Victor Canera!" I should get pretty close to what I want. Is that wrong? Since I'm not asking for something that will be really difficult to achieve in our budget, I don't know why he's digging in on style so much.

Anyone else experience this? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just be happy that it's "pretty close" to what I originally wanted?

This is a ring he pointed to as a compromise (which is beautiful! But with such a wide band, I feel like the diamond we can afford would be dwarfed):

https://www.jamesallen.com/engagement-rings/designer-engagement-rings/18k-yellow-gold-six-prong-royal-crown-engagement-ring-item-7231
 

wildcat03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 11, 2011
Messages
503
daydream believer|1465234203|4040797 said:
Thanks Pinto Bean. The Pinterest page is a good idea and one I've already started pulling together (mainly with the links from my previous post).

I guess my very selfish thought is that because I'm not making an out-of-budget demand like "I want a 2ct cushion cut in a custom platinum halo from Victor Canera!" I should get pretty close to what I want. Is that wrong? Since I'm not asking for something that will be really difficult to achieve in our budget, I don't know why he's digging in on style so much.

Anyone else experience this? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just be happy that it's "pretty close" to what I originally wanted?

This is a ring he pointed to as a compromise (which is beautiful! But with such a wide band, I feel like the diamond we can afford would be dwarfed):

https://www.jamesallen.com/engagement-rings/designer-engagement-rings/18k-yellow-gold-six-prong-royal-crown-engagement-ring-item-7231
I can't totally relate since my fiancé had no preference re: my ring. I ended up with exactly what I wanted and it was within the budget he set. I did ask for his input, though, and thought it was important to give him a chance . I actually think that Danhov setting could look very nice - the cathedral shoulders seem to taper just enough that it will give it a nice delicate look. I have the vatché u113 setting which might be a nice one for you both to look at. It is not cathedral, but it's not a "peg" head either - the head looks well integrated into the ring. If you like it, you should talk to Yekutiel at ID Jewelry as he is a vatché retailer and has great prices for stones as well.
 

packrat

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
10,615
for my jewelry, especially my engagement ring, sorry charlie, I see no room for much compromise. If he's paying for it and what I truly w/all my heart want is more expensive, then I'll kick in too. I don't cotton much to the whole "but I have to look at it too" thing. If it's a gift, then you gift someone something *they* want, not something *you* want. What if you gave him something he had to wear every day for the rest of his life and he didn't really love it? Pick out a wedding band for him YOU want that isn't quite what HE wants, and tell him well hey, you have to look at HIS band every day...I've asked my husband a million times about different bands, wanting him to get something different than just a plain gold band. No engraving, no milgrain, no stones, no nuthin. And it's his, and it's what he wants, and it's not about me imposing my will on him...even tho we're married...I'm finding different ways to impose my will b/c that's how I roll. ;)) I showed him tungsten. He likes it. Showed him a faceted tungsten band-he was impressed. My dad got a tungsten band w/a diamond in it, and he thinks that's cool. See? Win win.

We bought a new vehicle last year. I insisted on black. He wanted gray. I dig the gray, I'd've been fine w/it...but *I* wanted black, and it's *my* vehicle. (he has to look at it in the driveway daily and he drives it too) When we were putting in the specs that we wanted, JD said black, and I interjected, that dark gray would be fine too if you can't find the stuff we want in black. JD said "That's fine, we'll figure it out when you've found inventory-but she wants black, so look for that first. We can always wait a while til a black one comes in"

We've talked about the whole "but you have to look at it (drive it etc) too"--concerning clothes, jewelry, vehicles, heck, my hair for heavens sakes. He hates red hair w/a passion. HAYYYYTES it. Guess what happened when I mentioned dying my hair red and "will you be pissed b/c you have to look at it every day?" A shrug. That's it. "You're my wife-it's not conditional on the color of your hair" And he liked it when I came home. A lot.

When I redid my ering for the (final thank goodness) time, and had my heart set on certain things, yeahhhh maybe his voice cracked a little bit at the cost, but when I would ask him questions-do you like these diamonds, this color, this setting, this metal, what about this engraving, etc, he'd voice an opinion and then tell me that ultimately it was up to me, he wanted it to be something I would enjoy wearing and looking at and he said he wanted it to be a reflection of us as a couple. And that's what I have.

"pretty close" doesn't work for me for my wedding set. The ones you posted are all bezels...I have bezels. Bezels make me weak in the knees. I had my stones set in a temp prong setting b/c I was still on the fence about gold color. The prongs were pretty. I liked them. But, I liked them the way I liked the dark gray vehicle. I'll tell you something..when I opened the box and saw my wedding set FINALLY after all the hemming and hawing and angst I had on here...I cried, and my heart did a flip flop and settled down w/a sigh of relief b/c the bezels are *right* for me. I wouldn't have been happy w/prongs for this ring, and every time I looked at it, I'd have felt a little pang of disappointment. I look at my ring a lot. A LOT-LOT. JD looks at it..probably not even 1% of how often I do. He remarks on it when I clean it and get my nails done b/c manicures just make you feel good and make your hands look nice.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,249
Short answer, we compromised. It was his second choice and it was my first choice of the style DH liked. I don't wear my engagement ring.

Long answer, I wanted size even it meant a coloured stone and I love filigree. A vintage garnet or sapphire in white gold filigree was top of my list. DH hated the look of solitaires and didn't want something I'd want to change or grow tired off so he preferred diamonds. I was stupid because I said that if we ever had the money I could wear the coloured stone ring on my right hand later. We decided on a half carat round with tapered baguette side stones in white gold.

I've had my ring for over 13 years and admittedly I don't think about it much any longer and DH could care less what I wear at this point. I've never worn it much, not even when I first got it. We didn't live in the same town when engaged and then when we married I just wore my wedding ring. I normally wear my engagement ring on our anniversary and if I'm feeling sentimental so maybe about 2 - 10 times per year. It's pretty, I like it, I wouldn't want to lose it, but I don't love it and I don't wear it often. DH saw it as his money and wanted a say in it. I saw it as something I wanted to love and treasure. We were both wrong, but I'm not sure his first choice or my first choice would have turned out any differently, tastes change over that much time. I wouldn't have wanted my first choice if it meant DH would be upset about me both getting my way and not wearing it now due to changing taste.
 

ac117

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Apr 28, 2014
Messages
3,696
Could you gently explain to him that this is something that he is buying for you? When you buy him a gift, do you buy something that YOU like, or that HE likes? This shouldn't be different than any other purchase you make. I don't like hot dogs, but my husband does - that doesn't mean I'm not going to buy them for a BBQ just bc I don't eat them! I'd buy them bc HE likes them. :think:

But I do understand a bit about compromise because my husband doesn't like 6 prongs and I love them. The e-ring he bought me therefore was a 4 prong setting. Now that I'm upgrading, he's open to me getting 6 prongs bc he now understands that I should be happy looking down at it everyday. And if I'm happy, he's happy. Happy wife, happy life!! :lol:
 

msop04

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Dec 3, 2011
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9,776
I agree with the previous posters who explained that it's YOUR ring. YOU will be wearing it, and, although it's a gift from him, it should be to YOUR tastes, not his. It sounds like you completely understand his budget and want to maximize it by getting the nicest diamond possible in a simpler setting -- to me, that's way better than expecting more than he can afford... that's already a great compromise! :halo:

My advice is this -- when you make your Pinterest page, I'd do a page of "OVAL LOVE!" OR "OVAL or BUST" as well as a page of "NOT SO MUCH" regarding what you want in an ering. I'd also let my sister know what is most important to you and have her reiterate those points. I'd find as many pictures of oval bezels as I could and keep pinning them over and over, being careful not to add to much deviation from what you want. Also, you could pin pics of baskets and types of milgrain that you prefer. Make sure to write very specific comments on EVERY pin. That way, your sister can just print those out and show them to your FF -- no excuses! He's seen it in black and white. ;))

*drops the mic*
 

lovedogs

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
10,463
At the risk of making you really overwhelmed I think you should look into David Klass' designs, since he has a lot of great examples of bezels with *pop* and unique-ness. I attached some photos here from his FB, but there are TONS more.

Here's a pretty bezel with a round sapphire, but obviously could accommodate a different shape. I like that it's unique but still looks easy to wear :)
12088263_896913283724810_7239373005721831344_n.jpg 12141706_896913230391482_7910959247587562065_n.jpg


A little "different" but kind of gets the idea of both a halo and bezel.
12670252_949536278462510_7104489241238371451_n.jpg 12654558_949536211795850_3561966851840079311_n.jpg

I think my all time favorite bezel
12347986_918110091605129_708764394554196141_n.jpg 12345616_918109988271806_7119556164060451627_n.jpg

Another one that combines bezel + side stones, so it looks like more than a traditional bezel
12821484_969957013087103_318129042017770151_n.jpg

This is too big for me personally, but I like the idea of bezel + prongs in one design, and this gives you a sense of how that could work
13133221_1005573442858793_6532622989165449125_n.jpg

I do agree it's a tricky situation since you don't want him to not like your e-ring, but in the end its YOUR ring, and wouldn't you want him to love HIS wedding band? Maybe try putting it in that context and see if he can come around a bit?

In the end my now husband and I went shopping together, and he found 2 settings he really liked. I really liked one of them, so that's what we got. But I think we started liking similar things so it wasn't a particularly difficult compromise.
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
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I'm going to come at this a little different way.

1. Shape: Do you like emerald and oval shapes because they just appeal to you more or because you think they would face up bigger? I couldn't tell from your comments other than you thought they were unique. And have you seen those shapes in person and in the size you'd be getting? Both of these cuts will perform differently than a round and will look different in smaller sizes. Some of the stones you posted are quite a bit bigger than you'd be looking at which can make a substantial difference in the look. There are some shapes, like rounds, that I like regardless of the size. There are some shapes that I like only in the larger sizes because then you really see their unique qualities. Those qualities aren't as visible to me when they're smaller. Other people absolutely love those same cuts in the smaller sizes. And an oval is going to sparkle a lot different than a round and an emerald cut is a whole other look entirely. You can't tell from pictures what shape you're going to like. So you should either go alone to look at shapes that are in your price range to figure out ahead of time what you really like or you and FF go together and look at stones of the shapes and size each of you are thinking of to see what shape both of you like best on you. You might be surprised. Trying on can be very important to figure out what you like best on you. There's no reason to be sparring over shape if it turns out you both like the same shape once you see it in person and on your finger.

2. Setting: You do seem to like bezels, and if that's what you like best, that's what you should get. I agree with the others that you're the one wearing it, you're the one who will be looking at it the most (by a lot), and you should have the final say in the same way he should have the final say on his ring. And if he keeps on trying to steer you away from the settings you like, then ask him "Why would you want me to wear a ring I don't love?" and really listen to what he says. It could be very revealing. This is the first of many decisions you will be making together if you get married.

3. The Wow/Surprise factor: I hate the emphasis that's put on the proposal and the surprise of the ring these days. It can lead to a lot of disappointment because expectations are so high when they don't need to be. It's okay he wants to surprise you, it's not okay if that surprise turns out to be a bad one and he ends up sliding a ring on your finger that you don't love nearly as much as you love him. If he hasn't done much diamond shopping, he may be surprised (in a bad way) what size of stone and setting that $2-3000 will actually buy if it's a well-cut stone. He may be thinking bigger and fancier. And that disappointment could lead him in the direction you don't want him to go. Your FF wouldn't be the first guy who hears what his bride-to-be says about wanting to get a well-cut stone, possibly from a PS vendor, and then heads to the mall and gets a terrible stone because: a) it's easier; b) he's not comfortable buying a diamond site unseen on the internet; or 3) the diamonds at the mall store are so much bigger and that's where his friends bought their ER's and they look just fine to him because of the store lighting and not knowing much about diamonds. And then his fiancee gets a ring in a setting she doesn't like with a less than great diamond - the one outcome she didn't want. We've seen it plenty of times on here where she comes back to PS disappointed and wondering what she should do. Make sure your sister knows that's not what you want to have happen.

Hope this helps.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
wildcat03|1465236268|4040804 said:
I can't totally relate since my fiancé had no preference re: my ring. I ended up with exactly what I wanted and it was within the budget he set. I did ask for his input, though, and thought it was important to give him a chance . I actually think that Danhov setting could look very nice - the cathedral shoulders seem to taper just enough that it will give it a nice delicate look. I have the vatché u113 setting which might be a nice one for you both to look at. It is not cathedral, but it's not a "peg" head either - the head looks well integrated into the ring. If you like it, you should talk to Yekutiel at ID Jewelry as he is a vatché retailer and has great prices for stones as well.
Thanks for weighing in wildcat03! I've read so many great things about Yekutiel on here so that might be a good direction to point him. That vatché setting is gorgeous too. Hmm...things to ponder!
 

msop04

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 3, 2011
Messages
9,776
daydream believer|1465242491|4040842 said:
wildcat03|1465236268|4040804 said:
I can't totally relate since my fiancé had no preference re: my ring. I ended up with exactly what I wanted and it was within the budget he set. I did ask for his input, though, and thought it was important to give him a chance . I actually think that Danhov setting could look very nice - the cathedral shoulders seem to taper just enough that it will give it a nice delicate look. I have the vatché u113 setting which might be a nice one for you both to look at. It is not cathedral, but it's not a "peg" head either - the head looks well integrated into the ring. If you like it, you should talk to Yekutiel at ID Jewelry as he is a vatché retailer and has great prices for stones as well.
Thanks for weighing in wildcat03! I've read so many great things about Yekutiel on here so that might be a good direction to point him. That vatché setting is gorgeous too. Hmm...things to ponder!
The Vatche U113 setting will eat up your budget. It's close to $2K in platinum. I wouldn't consider that one. There are other vendors that offer really good 6 prong setting - BGD comes to mind.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
packrat|1465236612|4040805 said:
for my jewelry, especially my engagement ring, sorry charlie, I see no room for much compromise. If he's paying for it and what I truly w/all my heart want is more expensive, then I'll kick in too. I don't cotton much to the whole "but I have to look at it too" thing. If it's a gift, then you gift someone something *they* want, not something *you* want. What if you gave him something he had to wear every day for the rest of his life and he didn't really love it? Pick out a wedding band for him YOU want that isn't quite what HE wants, and tell him well hey, you have to look at HIS band every day...I've asked my husband a million times about different bands, wanting him to get something different than just a plain gold band. No engraving, no milgrain, no stones, no nuthin. And it's his, and it's what he wants, and it's not about me imposing my will on him...even tho we're married...I'm finding different ways to impose my will b/c that's how I roll. ;)) I showed him tungsten. He likes it. Showed him a faceted tungsten band-he was impressed. My dad got a tungsten band w/a diamond in it, and he thinks that's cool. See? Win win.

We bought a new vehicle last year. I insisted on black. He wanted gray. I dig the gray, I'd've been fine w/it...but *I* wanted black, and it's *my* vehicle. (he has to look at it in the driveway daily and he drives it too) When we were putting in the specs that we wanted, JD said black, and I interjected, that dark gray would be fine too if you can't find the stuff we want in black. JD said "That's fine, we'll figure it out when you've found inventory-but she wants black, so look for that first. We can always wait a while til a black one comes in"

We've talked about the whole "but you have to look at it (drive it etc) too"--concerning clothes, jewelry, vehicles, heck, my hair for heavens sakes. He hates red hair w/a passion. HAYYYYTES it. Guess what happened when I mentioned dying my hair red and "will you be pissed b/c you have to look at it every day?" A shrug. That's it. "You're my wife-it's not conditional on the color of your hair" And he liked it when I came home. A lot.

When I redid my ering for the (final thank goodness) time, and had my heart set on certain things, yeahhhh maybe his voice cracked a little bit at the cost, but when I would ask him questions-do you like these diamonds, this color, this setting, this metal, what about this engraving, etc, he'd voice an opinion and then tell me that ultimately it was up to me, he wanted it to be something I would enjoy wearing and looking at and he said he wanted it to be a reflection of us as a couple. And that's what I have.

"pretty close" doesn't work for me for my wedding set. The ones you posted are all bezels...I have bezels. Bezels make me weak in the knees. I had my stones set in a temp prong setting b/c I was still on the fence about gold color. The prongs were pretty. I liked them. But, I liked them the way I liked the dark gray vehicle. I'll tell you something..when I opened the box and saw my wedding set FINALLY after all the hemming and hawing and angst I had on here...I cried, and my heart did a flip flop and settled down w/a sigh of relief b/c the bezels are *right* for me. I wouldn't have been happy w/prongs for this ring, and every time I looked at it, I'd have felt a little pang of disappointment. I look at my ring a lot. A LOT-LOT. JD looks at it..probably not even 1% of how often I do. He remarks on it when I clean it and get my nails done b/c manicures just make you feel good and make your hands look nice.
Packrat, you bring up a lot of interesting points to consider! Overall, I consider myself pretty flexible on most things. For example, when I was house hunting, I was determined not to fall victim to the "HGTV" effect (i.e. "MUST have granite! And an open concept! And a spa tub! And all for less than $100K!"). Instead, I ended up with about 75% of the things I really wanted, and I compromised on the remaining 25%. I try to take that approach for most things.

But I do wonder if this is an area where I really want to deviate too much. I don't want this to be a piece that I receive and wear only on special occasions. I would want to wear it every single day. I wonder if the next step might be to sit down and actually peruse some PS threads and vendor websites together so he can better visualize everything.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
msop04|1465242714|4040843 said:
daydream believer|1465242491|4040842 said:
wildcat03|1465236268|4040804 said:
I can't totally relate since my fiancé had no preference re: my ring. I ended up with exactly what I wanted and it was within the budget he set. I did ask for his input, though, and thought it was important to give him a chance . I actually think that Danhov setting could look very nice - the cathedral shoulders seem to taper just enough that it will give it a nice delicate look. I have the vatché u113 setting which might be a nice one for you both to look at. It is not cathedral, but it's not a "peg" head either - the head looks well integrated into the ring. If you like it, you should talk to Yekutiel at ID Jewelry as he is a vatché retailer and has great prices for stones as well.
Thanks for weighing in wildcat03! I've read so many great things about Yekutiel on here so that might be a good direction to point him. That vatché setting is gorgeous too. Hmm...things to ponder!
The Vatche U113 setting will eat up your budget. It's close to $2K in platinum. I wouldn't consider that one. There are other vendors that offer really good 6 prong setting - BGD comes to mind.
Yeah, I should have clarified that while it's out of price range, stylistically, something like that is very nice. I like that it avoids the peg-head and definitely looks integrated into the band. Also, yellow gold is pretty much the only true non-negotiable for me (for some unfortunate reason, white metal makes my skin look a little sickly and green. Warm tones are much more flattering).

But I do like the idea of introducing BF to a reputable and trusted jeweler who could work with him. I know some might not enjoy dealing with a smaller budget, but I figure it might prove to be a fun challenge to the right person! :D
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,228
where do you live? Maybe we can point you to some good places to try on rings - together. You're not going to find many bezel-set rings in most chain jewelry stores.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
Rhea|1465236637|4040807 said:
Short answer, we compromised. It was his second choice and it was my first choice of the style DH liked. I don't wear my engagement ring.

Long answer, I wanted size even it meant a coloured stone and I love filigree. A vintage garnet or sapphire in white gold filigree was top of my list. DH hated the look of solitaires and didn't want something I'd want to change or grow tired off so he preferred diamonds. I was stupid because I said that if we ever had the money I could wear the coloured stone ring on my right hand later. We decided on a half carat round with tapered baguette side stones in white gold.

I've had my ring for over 13 years and admittedly I don't think about it much any longer and DH could care less what I wear at this point. I've never worn it much, not even when I first got it. We didn't live in the same town when engaged and then when we married I just wore my wedding ring. I normally wear my engagement ring on our anniversary and if I'm feeling sentimental so maybe about 2 - 10 times per year. It's pretty, I like it, I wouldn't want to lose it, but I don't love it and I don't wear it often. DH saw it as his money and wanted a say in it. I saw it as something I wanted to love and treasure. We were both wrong, but I'm not sure his first choice or my first choice would have turned out any differently, tastes change over that much time. I wouldn't have wanted my first choice if it meant DH would be upset about me both getting my way and not wearing it now due to changing taste.
See, that's what I really don't want to happen. I just always pictured myself wearing it every day (except during an activity where it would get dirty or damaged like gardening). My taste has changed slightly from time to time, but overall, I'd say all of my jewelry "goes" together.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
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Messages
62
ac117|1465237300|4040811 said:
Could you gently explain to him that this is something that he is buying for you? When you buy him a gift, do you buy something that YOU like, or that HE likes? This shouldn't be different than any other purchase you make. I don't like hot dogs, but my husband does - that doesn't mean I'm not going to buy them for a BBQ just bc I don't eat them! I'd buy them bc HE likes them. :think:

But I do understand a bit about compromise because my husband doesn't like 6 prongs and I love them. The e-ring he bought me therefore was a 4 prong setting. Now that I'm upgrading, he's open to me getting 6 prongs bc he now understands that I should be happy looking down at it everyday. And if I'm happy, he's happy. Happy wife, happy life!! :lol:
That's a really good point. And he's already told me what he wants in a wedding band, so that may be a good way of helping him understand my point of view. Ultimately I don't think we're too far off from each other and I'm sure there's a lot of common ground to be found, but it'd be so much easier if he would just realize this sooner! ;-)
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
msop04|1465238433|4040818 said:
I agree with the previous posters who explained that it's YOUR ring. YOU will be wearing it, and, although it's a gift from him, it should be to YOUR tastes, not his. It sounds like you completely understand his budget and want to maximize it by getting the nicest diamond possible in a simpler setting -- to me, that's way better than expecting more than he can afford... that's already a great compromise! :halo:

My advice is this -- when you make your Pinterest page, I'd do a page of "OVAL LOVE!" OR "OVAL or BUST" as well as a page of "NOT SO MUCH" regarding what you want in an ering. I'd also let my sister know what is most important to you and have her reiterate those points. I'd find as many pictures of oval bezels as I could and keep pinning them over and over, being careful not to add to much deviation from what you want. Also, you could pin pics of baskets and types of milgrain that you prefer. Make sure to write very specific comments on EVERY pin. That way, your sister can just print those out and show them to your FF -- no excuses! He's seen it in black and white. ;))

*drops the mic*
Love this. And you're right, I think being as specific as possible on my Pinterest page will help. Part of the issue is that he doesn't know the styles and terminology very well so I think some friendly education will help.

I know that what he wants most is to make me happy. And thank you for saying the bolded. I'm trying really hard not to have over the top expectations or to put him in any kind of financial strain, because that's no way to start a marriage. And to be honest, I'd say yes to a simple silver band if it meant I got to marry him.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
I love David Klass! I follow him on Instagram and regularly stalk his facebook page, so it's not an overwhelming suggestion at all. That rose gold bezel is lovely - I think I'm just a sucker for warm metals and milgrain. I also love the sidestone design. It somehow makes it look more "integrated" into the rest of the ring, which I think is where my BF struggles (again, he keeps saying he doesn't like when stones look like they were "plopped on top"). Thanks for the eye candy!

lovedogs|1465239694|4040828 said:
At the risk of making you really overwhelmed I think you should look into David Klass' designs, since he has a lot of great examples of bezels with *pop* and unique-ness. I attached some photos here from his FB, but there are TONS more.

I think my all time favorite bezel
12347986_918110091605129_708764394554196141_n.jpg 12345616_918109988271806_7119556164060451627_n.jpg

Another one that combines bezel + side stones, so it looks like more than a traditional bezel
12821484_969957013087103_318129042017770151_n.jpg


I do agree it's a tricky situation since you don't want him to not like your e-ring, but in the end its YOUR ring, and wouldn't you want him to love HIS wedding band? Maybe try putting it in that context and see if he can come around a bit?

In the end my now husband and I went shopping together, and he found 2 settings he really liked. I really liked one of them, so that's what we got. But I think we started liking similar things so it wasn't a particularly difficult compromise.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,249
daydream believer|1465243426|4040848 said:
Rhea|1465236637|4040807 said:
Short answer, we compromised. It was his second choice and it was my first choice of the style DH liked. I don't wear my engagement ring.

Long answer, I wanted size even it meant a coloured stone and I love filigree. A vintage garnet or sapphire in white gold filigree was top of my list. DH hated the look of solitaires and didn't want something I'd want to change or grow tired off so he preferred diamonds. I was stupid because I said that if we ever had the money I could wear the coloured stone ring on my right hand later. We decided on a half carat round with tapered baguette side stones in white gold.

I've had my ring for over 13 years and admittedly I don't think about it much any longer and DH could care less what I wear at this point. I've never worn it much, not even when I first got it. We didn't live in the same town when engaged and then when we married I just wore my wedding ring. I normally wear my engagement ring on our anniversary and if I'm feeling sentimental so maybe about 2 - 10 times per year. It's pretty, I like it, I wouldn't want to lose it, but I don't love it and I don't wear it often. DH saw it as his money and wanted a say in it. I saw it as something I wanted to love and treasure. We were both wrong, but I'm not sure his first choice or my first choice would have turned out any differently, tastes change over that much time. I wouldn't have wanted my first choice if it meant DH would be upset about me both getting my way and not wearing it now due to changing taste.
See, that's what I really don't want to happen. I just always pictured myself wearing it every day (except during an activity where it would get dirty or damaged like gardening). My taste has changed slightly from time to time, but overall, I'd say all of my jewelry "goes" together.
I get that. And that's very much my point. Be prepared that a compromise may be necessary but if you do so, also be prepared that you may not actually wear it. If DH knew then what he knows now I'm not sure he would have insisted that we both like the ring. There's really no nice way to say if I compromise, I may not wear it without sounding like a brat though.

ETA: have you done any shopping at a store? What you can get for $2-$3K is going to be very different than anything you've looked at.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
rainwood|1465241796|4040836 said:
I'm going to come at this a little different way.

1. Shape: Do you like emerald and oval shapes because they just appeal to you more or because you think they would face up bigger? I couldn't tell from your comments other than you thought they were unique. And have you seen those shapes in person and in the size you'd be getting? Both of these cuts will perform differently than a round and will look different in smaller sizes. Some of the stones you posted are quite a bit bigger than you'd be looking at which can make a substantial difference in the look. There are some shapes, like rounds, that I like regardless of the size. There are some shapes that I like only in the larger sizes because then you really see their unique qualities. Those qualities aren't as visible to me when they're smaller. Other people absolutely love those same cuts in the smaller sizes. And an oval is going to sparkle a lot different than a round and an emerald cut is a whole other look entirely. You can't tell from pictures what shape you're going to like. So you should either go alone to look at shapes that are in your price range to figure out ahead of time what you really like or you and FF go together and look at stones of the shapes and size each of you are thinking of to see what shape both of you like best on you. You might be surprised. Trying on can be very important to figure out what you like best on you. There's no reason to be sparring over shape if it turns out you both like the same shape once you see it in person and on your finger.

2. Setting: You do seem to like bezels, and if that's what you like best, that's what you should get. I agree with the others that you're the one wearing it, you're the one who will be looking at it the most (by a lot), and you should have the final say in the same way he should have the final say on his ring. And if he keeps on trying to steer you away from the settings you like, then ask him "Why would you want me to wear a ring I don't love?" and really listen to what he says. It could be very revealing. This is the first of many decisions you will be making together if you get married.

3. The Wow/Surprise factor: I hate the emphasis that's put on the proposal and the surprise of the ring these days. It can lead to a lot of disappointment because expectations are so high when they don't need to be. It's okay he wants to surprise you, it's not okay if that surprise turns out to be a bad one and he ends up sliding a ring on your finger that you don't love nearly as much as you love him. If he hasn't done much diamond shopping, he may be surprised (in a bad way) what size of stone and setting that $2-3000 will actually buy if it's a well-cut stone. He may be thinking bigger and fancier. And that disappointment could lead him in the direction you don't want him to go. Your FF wouldn't be the first guy who hears what his bride-to-be says about wanting to get a well-cut stone, possibly from a PS vendor, and then heads to the mall and gets a terrible stone because: a) it's easier; b) he's not comfortable buying a diamond site unseen on the internet; or 3) the diamonds at the mall store are so much bigger and that's where his friends bought their ER's and they look just fine to him because of the store lighting and not knowing much about diamonds. And then his fiancee gets a ring in a setting she doesn't like with a less than great diamond - the one outcome she didn't want. We've seen it plenty of times on here where she comes back to PS disappointed and wondering what she should do. Make sure your sister knows that's not what you want to have happen.

Hope this helps.
This is tremendously helpful advice. I think you're right that it would help to try on stones that are in the anticipated size range. My mom has a .5ct oval from her original e-ring and I've always thought it was so lovely so I do feel pretty good about that. Also, a good friend of mine has a smaller emerald cut and I was surprised at how much the steps jumped out at me. But I do think I might prefer an EC in a larger size so perhaps for a 10 year anniversary ring... (oh dear, I'm not even engaged and I'm already planning an anniversary gift!) :angel:

Part of the reason I was shying away from a round cut is that both of my sisters have RBs and they are MUCH more substantial in size than we would be able to afford. They also both have rather large RB earrings that would still be larger than my center stone. I try really hard not to play the comparison game and my sisters would never ever say anything disparaging, but I just wonder if regularly seeing much larger RBs would get to me over time? That's part of why I was trying to stylistically go down another road. Plus I do love my mom's oval. Maybe I'm just overthinking though.

With regards to the possibility of him freaking out and running to a mall store, I don't think there is a huge risk. He knows how much I dislike the big chain stores and I think he's pretty determined to get something very high quality. He also isn't big on shopping in malls and at chain stores for anything. But you're right, I don't think he realizes how much things like pave, sidestones, more ornate settings will add up.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
VRBeauty|1465243321|4040847 said:
where do you live? Maybe we can point you to some good places to try on rings - together. You're not going to find many bezel-set rings in most chain jewelry stores.
I'm in Michigan in the Detroit area. I know Pearlman's is about a 2.5 hour drive, but maybe if we're in that neck of the woods this summer we could stop in there.

If anyone has any recommendations for where I could see high quality stones in smaller sizes, that would be much appreciated!
 

Niel

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 23, 2012
Messages
18,853
I wanted to show you this dk setting.

david_klass_jewelry_null.png

3da69042aed6c35385a9a694bfc781e7.jpg

a7d8274323a2ab1168c32e78771809a1.jpg
 

liaerfbv

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
1,247
Look, I'm going to be blunt because we see this topic here all the time.

In my 20s, I helped 5 friends pick out engagement rings for their girlfriends (my friends). Of the 5, 3 of them thought it was more/equally important that THEY liked the ring OR they wanted it to a surprise and didn't want her input at all.

I'm in my 30s now, and those 3 marriages all ended in divorce.

Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes what one person wants is more important than what the other person wants. The engagement ring is a great example of that, and if you can't get that through to him now, that's a problem. You are not making outrageous demands - you are thoughtfully discussing a budget together, and you are reasonably expressing your wants within that budget, and he's clearly telling you that what you want is not as important as what he wants. Listen to him.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
Rhea|1465244132|4040853 said:
I get that. And that's very much my point. Be prepared that a compromise may be necessary but if you do so, also be prepared that you may not actually wear it. If DH knew then what he knows now I'm not sure he would have insisted that we both like the ring. There's really no nice way to say if I compromise, I may not wear it without sounding like a brat though.

ETA: have you done any shopping at a store? What you can get for $2-$3K is going to be very different than anything you've looked at.
Yep, your earlier comment really resonated with me. You're right, I want to tread carefully because I truly don't want to be a brat. I know he wants me to be happy but I'm not entitled to anything.

Quick example to illustrate what type of guy he is: For our anniversary, he gave me a beautiful opal pendant in a YG setting. He knew I've always wanted to own an opal, so he made an appointment with a jeweler and picked out the stone and setting separately. When he saw how happy I was upon opening it, his joy was over the top. I wear it every day and he will regularly comment on how happy he is that I truly love it. I feel like the e-ring will be that x10, which is why I don't want to take the surprise element out of it for him.

I haven't done any window shopping for engagement rings yet. I've tried on friends' rings and my sister's rings, but as I may have mentioned up-thread, they were much larger than I think would be within our budget. I have seen a .5ct oval in person and I do really like how it performs.

Say we had a budget of $3k, doesn't it seem reasonable for say $800-900 for a setting and $2K for stone? Based on playing around on James Allen, Brilliant Earth and even Blue Nile, it seems like that would yield maybe a .6 stone?
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
liaerfbv|1465245640|4040861 said:
Look, I'm going to be blunt because we see this topic here all the time.

In my 20s, I helped 5 friends pick out engagement rings for their girlfriends (my friends). Of the 5, 3 of them thought it was more/equally important that THEY liked the ring OR they wanted it to a surprise and didn't want her input at all.

I'm in my 30s now, and those 3 marriages all ended in divorce.

Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes what one person wants is more important than what the other person wants. The engagement ring is a great example of that, and if you can't get that through to him now, that's a problem. You are not making outrageous demands - you are thoughtfully discussing a budget together, and you are reasonably expressing your wants within that budget, and he's clearly telling you that what you want is not as important as what he wants. Listen to him.
That's a totally valid point. Fortunately, this has been the first of what I anticipate will be many conversations about this before he makes the purchase. He's not unreceptive to all of my ideas, but I think he doesn't have the benefit of seeing how delicate and beautiful a bezel setting can be when it's executed well. Yesterday while we were talking, he did a google search and...how to put this politely...a very unfortunate looking ring was the top result. I think it may have scared him off :lol:

But you're right. If he really digs in and is unwilling to discuss it, that's obviously a source for concern. I think the root of the issue is that he believes I deserve more than just "a plain band with a small diamond on it." Also, a lot of our friends have intricate halo settings, so while he knows that's not what I want and would never get one for me, I think he's trying to find a way to add more "pizzazz."
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,249
liaerfbv|1465245640|4040861 said:
Look, I'm going to be blunt because we see this topic here all the time.

In my 20s, I helped 5 friends pick out engagement rings for their girlfriends (my friends). Of the 5, 3 of them thought it was more/equally important that THEY liked the ring OR they wanted it to a surprise and didn't want her input at all.

I'm in my 30s now, and those 3 marriages all ended in divorce.

Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes what one person wants is more important than what the other person wants. The engagement ring is a great example of that, and if you can't get that through to him now, that's a problem. You are not making outrageous demands - you are thoughtfully discussing a budget together, and you are reasonably expressing your wants within that budget, and he's clearly telling you that what you want is not as important as what he wants. Listen to him.
It's not that simple. There's a lot of build up on both sides. The man is taught that he should know the woman better than she knows herself, that a surprise engagement is the pinnacle of romantic, and that it's more important that she love and commit to him than an object. The woman is taught that she needs to wear it everyday, that it's an outward expression of the couple's love, and that he should be able to pick her her ideal ring. Those two ideas don't necessarily mesh together. It's a stressful and expensive time and occasion and all those expectations don't really help matters. I'm not yet divorced and I don't feel like DH was telling me what he wanted was more important than what I wanted. He had a value opinion that he wanted to spend his hard earned more on something a bit more lasting than something I was hoping to replace in the near future. Relationships and the balances in them are a learning curve. Hopefully an acceptable solution will be met. Or the boyfriend will be sitting with his friends saying exactly the same thing you are, that her getting her way and not compromising was more important than getting married to and starting a life with him. And did he really want to deal with that.
 

daydream believer

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2008
Messages
62
Niel|1465245348|4040858 said:
I wanted to show you this dk setting.
That is so pretty. Yellow gold? Check. Milgrain? Check. Bezel? Check. Obviously David Klass can execute a gorgeous bezel setting. Are his prices for custom pretty reasonable? I've always thought that custom would be out of budget for us.

And what stone is that? For a while, I entertained the idea of a sapphire center stone (I've always been partial to the gray/green color of Montanas). I think this stone in that setting would be divine: http://gemfix.com/gems/sapphire-montana-767

But that's opening up a whole different can of worms :)
 

liaerfbv

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
1,247
Rhea|1465246440|4040867 said:
liaerfbv|1465245640|4040861 said:
Look, I'm going to be blunt because we see this topic here all the time.

In my 20s, I helped 5 friends pick out engagement rings for their girlfriends (my friends). Of the 5, 3 of them thought it was more/equally important that THEY liked the ring OR they wanted it to a surprise and didn't want her input at all.

I'm in my 30s now, and those 3 marriages all ended in divorce.

Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes what one person wants is more important than what the other person wants. The engagement ring is a great example of that, and if you can't get that through to him now, that's a problem. You are not making outrageous demands - you are thoughtfully discussing a budget together, and you are reasonably expressing your wants within that budget, and he's clearly telling you that what you want is not as important as what he wants. Listen to him.
It's not that simple. There's a lot of build up on both sides. The man is taught that he should know the woman better than she knows herself, that a surprise engagement is the pinnacle of romantic, and that it's more important that she love and commit to him than an object. The woman is taught that she needs to wear it everyday, that it's an outward expression of the couple's love, and that he should be able to pick her her ideal ring. Those two ideas don't necessarily mesh together. It's a stressful and expensive time and occasion and all those expectations don't really help matters. I'm not yet divorced and I don't feel like DH was telling me what he wanted was more important than what I wanted. He had a value opinion that he wanted to spend his hard earned more on something a bit more lasting than something I was hoping to replace in the near future. Relationships and the balances in them are a learning curve. Hopefully an acceptable solution will be met. Or the boyfriend will be sitting with his friends saying exactly the same thing you are, that her getting her way and not compromising was more important than getting married to and starting a life with him. And did he really want to deal with that.
I'm not really interested in how people are taught to subscribe to gender roles. I would be incredibly offended if DH felt his opinion in my e-ring was more important than mine, and I would consider that to be a red flag. If the boyfriend truly does believe that what he wants is more important -- then I would hope he found a girl who wanted to be surprised or her ring chosen for her. That's compatibility. OP has indicated that's not the case for her.

OP, I hope you and your boyfriend find a solution for you both.
 
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