How long does it take to get over someone?

[YadaYadaYada]

I'm going to try not to make this a book. Back in 2015 early 2016, I had a fallout with my best friend, we were friends for almost twenty years and we had a disagreement over of all things, a christmas card. Anyways I reached out to apologize shortly after but she never responded, never really got closure as I know in the end she was pulling away and it would have been helpful to know if it was something I did or said.

Basically all of 2016 I was in a personal hell, I slept a lot, ate a lot and felt like I had a huge hole in my heart, the following year wasn't much better but in 2018 I just had so much pent up anger and sadness that I started keeping a journal and it has helped. I find that there are things that trigger me and then I feel sad all over again, like yesterday when DH said he considered reaching out to her on Facebook to get us back in touch. Now I know his heart is in a good place but I was horrified, part of me really would love to reconnect because I think about her frequently and hope she is doing well. On the other hand though, she really did a number on me emotionally and I just don't know that I want to go through that again. Like if we were to reconnect and then it didn't work out or if she rejected me I would be totally devastated and just don't know if I could emotionally handle that again.

DH has encouraged me to make friends, but I have no interest at all, I am totally jaded from what I went though before and although I know that is not a healthy outlook it's honestly how I feel, I would much rather be alone. He has encouraged me to go out and do things and meet people but I just have no desire at all.

Anyone else that has a lost a long term friendship that can offer how long until this emptiness and sadness leaves? It has been three years at this point and it has gotten better but it feels like there will always be this constant pain from losing her. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.

 

[cmd2014]

I have. I had a friend of 10+ years just ghost me. I still have no idea why. It happened a few years ago, and I saw her recently in a coffee shop having coffee with someone else that I don’t know well. I froze. I didn’t know whether to approach or not, I didn’t want to make a scene in front of others, and in the end I left things where they are. After that long of a time, I’m not sure there’s anything that could be said to make things right. Plus, whatever awful thing she thinks I did, it’s not as bad as being coldly cut out without a single explanation. It still hurts sometimes and it’s been years.

 

[CHRISTY-DANIELLE]

Many years ago, I had a falling out with my best friend of 21 years. We started seeing each other less after I got married and had my first child. She was still single. She wasn't happy for me when I told her I was expecting my second child. I think she equated marriage and kids to my giving up on my life? Her reaction was strange. Her childhood was unhappy, (abusive father/mom died) so her ideas about family differed from mine.
The last time I ever saw her, I was literally "in the neighborhood" so stopped by to say hi. She was a nurse and had worked a 12 hour shift the day before (I didn't know) and she went BALLISTIC that I was stopping by.
A couple years later I tried to reach out, but was shocked to discover that she had committed suicide apparently over a break up.
You never know what people are going through, what mental state they are in. After that, I realized that she had emotional issues that were not my fault. But I still think about her, and it's been almost 20 years since then.
You see couples break up after 30 years and wonder why, but friendships can be the same. People grow apart, start wanting different things. It happens. Try not to feel like you did something, or something is wrong with you.
I understand wondering if you should reach out, try to reconnect. But I would also say whatever feelings triggered the loss of friendship, well those issues might still be there, so pursue it only if you can accept that the end result might be the same.

 

[Queenie60]

I've had this happen twice over the past 15 years. First was a mom that "black balled" me due to jealousy. Simply because she wasn't happy with her own life. It took a few year to get over this. The second was a very close friend and I feel that she distanced herself from me due to the fact that I have a son with mental illness - sometimes people can't handle being close to a person with a social stigma. It hurts, you will go through a grieving process and at some point you will move on. I am sorry you have to go through this misery. Time........

 

[tkyasx78]

It is hard and there is no one set time or easy answer.
I don't know that true loss ever really goes away. We just learn to cope with it the best we can.

 

[FinleysMom]

People move in and out of our lives through the years. My gut always knew one of us would eventually move on...including why....it happens. I have pulled back on or gradually lost interest in friendships as our interests evolved in different directions. Take it one day at a tme and make new friends or cultivate existing friends . AS adults....we don’t run in packs like we did in school. Btw...I do have friendships that have ladted since high school...we all live 8n dufferent states but try to get together once year. Life!

 

[missy]

Aww so sorry you are dealing with this @StephanieLynn. I think it depends on how close you were with that friend and how long your friendship was before the break. I fortunately have not had to deal with this but once in my adult life and that was just recently...within the last 2 years. This person I thought was a good friend just ghosted me (I had never even heard of that term before it happened and a wiser and closer friend explained it to me). We had been friends for only a couple of years however and it was a long distance friendship (and we had never met in person) so it is very different than what you are going through and I only share it to show that you are far from being alone.

At first it hurt because I had no clue what had happened but after a few months I felt relieved it was over and it was like a great weight lifted from my shoulders. Which I guess showed it was for the best right? In hindsight I realize she wasn't the good friend to me I initially thought she was and it took that ghosting behavior for me to come to that realization. She didn't just ghost me either but 2 other of my good friends. So weird. I realize now it was all her and had nothing to do with us but I do feel badly for her and what she must (have been) be going through to have done that to us but again it is all her and has nothing really to do with us. I wish her well but I am very grateful she is out of my life. I have no energy nor time for negative energy and draining behavior. I prefer a drama free life.

I am very fortunate in that I have a few true blue friends for the past 3 plus decades. People I know who are there for me no matter what as I am there for them. I am not one who needs lots of friends but rather prefer real relationships vs lots of acquaintance friendships if that makes sense. And I am also fortunate to have made a few real friendships as an adult (I think as an adult it can be harder to form true bonds with people as life is busy and everyone is dealing with "stuff) and I think these friends will always be in my life as well. But you know life has a way of upsetting plans and stuff so I never take anything for granted and we just have to deal with life one day at a time as it comes. And make the most of each moment because that is all we know we have for sure.

We are all different and there is no one path to healing and peace and contentment. And if this girl was a true and good friend to you it will take you much longer to feel better about things. And you may never feel truly good about it but you will eventually feel more peaceful about it. Time does have a way of healing and while it may never be fully without hurt you will look back with more fondness at the good you shared than hurt about how it ended hopefully.
The pain will lessen as time goes on. You shared a 20 year relationship with this friend. That is not something one can get over quickly. Not a true friendship at least.

There is no right or wrong re time schedule re getting over a friendship that has ended and you have to allow yourself to feel as you feel. Do what you need to do and find comfort and support in your loved ones and know in due time you will heal from the relationship and be stronger and happier for it. Focus on all the loved ones you have in your life. The people you know who are always there for you and love you for you as you do them. With friends it is always quality over quantity for sure. One can have a hundred "friends" but feel truly alone if they are not true friends. Focus on all the good you do have and the rest will follow.

And realize that the end of your friendship was more likely all about your friend's issues than anything you did. You did not cause the end of the friendship. I think it is important you realize that and it will be easier to move on and feel better about it and heal.

Again I am sorry you are going through this but you will come out of this wiser and stronger and happier.

(((Hugs))).

PS LOL I am sorry about the book I ended up writing to you. I am sending you so much good energy and gentle hugs and I want you to feel better Stephanie. Please don't let this eat away at you. Remember you cannot control her behavior but you can control how you let it feel. (((Hugs))).

 

[MeowMeow]

I've had it happen to me too. It was at least 12 years ago. I ended up being ghosted by two people I considered super close friends. It was awful. I've gotten to a point where most of the time I don't even think about it at all. But the rare times when I do it still hurts.
Instead I try to focus on my relationship with my DH and my two best friends after him. One is my ex, whom even though we broke up has stuck with me through thick and thin for years.
I also try to keep up with my other best friend. She is currently the only localish friend I have known since middle school and I haven't been able to see her since before I got pregnant because its a couple hours drive away each way and I had morning sickness the whole time and my baby was too little until recently to endure 4 hours of car ride. We will be able to go see her probably in February thankfully. I'm just super sad we are probably moving in several months and it will be a period of years before I can see her again
But other than the three of them and one other close friend who is not in touch much I don't really have friends. I think it isn't really because of being ghosted, I am just mostly accustomed to being alone. I was raised extremely dysfunctionally and my dad was military so I am quite used to being by myself. It just super hurts when I do allow someone into my heart and they ghost.
I think time and space from the incident though has helped me heal a lot but I don't think I will ever fully get over it. I am just grateful I no longer think of it constantly. It definitely took years though. Several if I remember correctly to stop constantly being hurt or thinking of it all the time.
The other ladies have better advice. I just want you to know there's another person out there who identifies with you.
Hugs, if you want them

 

[cmd2014]

Wow. I never knew how many people have been ghosted. It’s an unbelievably cruel thing to do to someone. Honestly, with my friend, if I had done something that upset her, I would have loved to know. You can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s happening. It might have been a long time coming for her, but I was blindsided. To the point where before I knew it was happening, I ran into her new partner in Costco, and he excitedly told me that she had some good news to share, but that he’d let her tell me next time we were together. And then she stopped returning my calls. I was worried something had happened to her. I left so manny messages before I realized that I was just being cut out of her life. I even checked obituaries. It still hurts because I literally have no clue what happened.

 

[lyra]

Sometimes I'm the one who ghosts. I'm only offering this confession in case it may help. I've grown apart from friends because my life had and still has big changes that were stressful and negative. So I retreated inside my little "world" and had to just live day to day where I could manage one day at a time and try not to think about the scary stressful things going on. My two friends meanwhile, were having very successful lives. Pretty much living lives I could never even hope to have. I felt both guilty and unworthy. It was easier to let go than to have to say how depressed I was, how stressed, how bored, how confined. Eventually I just hid from them. I now talk to one on FB, but it's nothing like it was. I will also admit the worst, it's a stress that I don't need. I feel bad sharing this, but I don't feel bad for having done this. I needed to insulate myself to get through things. Maybe this helps. It's probably not you at all.

 

[missy]

Wow. I never knew how many people have been ghosted. It’s an unbelievably cruel thing to do to someone. Honestly, with my friend, if I had done something that upset her, I would have loved to know. You can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s happening. It might have been a long time coming for her, but I was blindsided. To the point where before I knew it was happening, I ran into her new partner in Costco, and he excitedly told me that she had some good news to share, but that he’d let her tell me next time we were together. And then she stopped returning my calls. I was worried something had happened to her. I left so manny messages before I realized that I was just being cut out of her life. I even checked obituaries. It still hurts because I literally have no clue what happened.

This was the first time I’d ever experienced “ghosting” and in fact had no clue it was even a thing lol or called that until our mutual friend (who also experienced this behavior with the same woman) explained it. Fortunately I’d never dealt with that before. And I hope never to experience this behavior again. It is incredibly cruel and that makes it easier (for me) to move on and not feel sad about the relationship (in my case) because this woman’s behavior (in hindsight) was not surprising. I always say fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. There will not be a second time with this woman. I learn my lessons pretty quickly generally.


I’m sorry this happened to you @cmd2014. Sorry it happens to anyone at all. I’m all about communication in any relationship. If that is taken away clearly that person has no desire to continue the relationship. I never want to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends if you kwim.

 

[missy]

Sometimes I'm the one who ghosts. I'm only offering this confession in case it may help. I've grown apart from friends because my life had and still has big changes that were stressful and negative. So I retreated inside my little "world" and had to just live day to day where I could manage one day at a time and try not to think about the scary stressful things going on. My two friends meanwhile, were having very successful lives. Pretty much living lives I could never even hope to have. I felt both guilty and unworthy. It was easier to let go than to have to say how depressed I was, how stressed, how bored, how confined. Eventually I just hid from them. I now talk to one on FB, but it's nothing like it was. I will also admit the worst, it's a stress that I don't need. I feel bad sharing this, but I don't feel bad for having done this. I needed to insulate myself to get through things. Maybe this helps. It's probably not you at all.

Sorry you felt like this @lyra. Sometimes you gotta do what you have to do just to get through. We are all different. (((Hugs))).

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I so appreciate all of these responses, we are out and about today but I wanted to just come back let you all know that I'm reading all your posts and while I'm sorry that so many of us have gone through this, it is comforting to know I'm not alone.

Also @lyra thank you for sharing the perspective from the other side. I believe she was struggling emotionally and saw me as having some perfect life, so it kind of makes sense that she may have needed to check out of our friendship.

I will be back to respond to everyone later.

 

[bludiva]

I have a friend I distanced myself from after receiving a series of hateful "drunk texts" one night. Even knowing that her behavior was out of line and volatile and escalating and I had to do to for my own wellbeing....she had been such a good friend to me in her good moments that it still feels sh*tty to this day. I guess my point is it is a mourning process even when it's a necessary breakup...much harder when it is a mysterious one. *hugs*

 

[lyra]

I just wanted to make one thing clear. It wasn't that I thought the other person had a perfect life. I knew they didn't. It was just that I had such stress in my life, anyone else's life seemed more secure, less stressful and "better". It wasn't something that could be measured. I was ashamed, felt guilty and unworthy at times. All in MY head. Then when time passed, I felt it would be insurmountable trying to re-establish a friendship. I accepted the blame without communicating. All wrong, but eventually, it was easier not to try because having to explain seemed daunting and depressing.

 

[Bonfire]

Some relationships we never get over and maybe we shouldn’t.
Not all friendships last forever. Some have a finite duration. You’re longing for what was. A lot of times people come in and out of our lives as our needs (and theirs) dictates. Sometimes friendships last a lifetime. I’m sorry you have this empty longing for that relationship. I hope that hole is filled with other relationships and experiences that allow you to look back at this person with appreciation for what you shared at the time, and not emptiness and sorrow.

 

[monarch64]

I've been on both sides--been ghosted and ghosted someone. The person who ghosted me just didn't have room in their life for me and I came to terms with that. A lot has happened since then and in hindsight it's easy for me to see why it happened. It wasn't personal. When I ghosted someone it was because the friendship had become really negative and there was no turning it around even after a specific discussion of areas needing improvement in the relationship. She didn't want to let it go, but wasn't willing to make changes, so things ended.

The happiest people I know are those who cultivate several friendships and don't count on 1-2 people in their lives for their fulfillment/content. Yes, it's sad when a friendship ends, especially without closure, but there are billions of other humans out there with whom to form new ones. Maybe the answer isn't getting out and trying to "make friends." Maybe it's having a period of introspection and working on what YOU love to do for awhile. There are no rules. Maybe it's visiting an assisted living facility once a month and sitting with someone, reading to them, or something that doesn't even involve a back-and-forth, or people from your own peer group. Human connection is important, though it doesn't have to be in the form of best friendship, or fall into a set category.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I have had that happen too. The first one was the hardest. Our kids were close. She was going through a really painful divorce, my marriage was happy and strong and I think it was just too painful for her. I loved her then and I love her still, and I have always been sad not to be apart of her life anymore. We were friends in high school and college and until we we’re about it 30. Some friendships are just not meant to last forever. I have gone on to have other close friendships since. But I see her on FB sometimes. I think it will always make me a little sad.

 

[acaw2015]

I have been ghosted too and it is an awful behaviour. Easier said than done, but simply let go of this person. You are a lot better of without a person who cannot understand (or who doesnt care to understand) when they inflict pain in someone else.
Eta, and for those who ghost, who knows the pain it causes and still do it... honestly. Even worse. Way better of without a person like that.

 

[FinleysMom]

I have a friend I distanced myself from after receiving a series of hateful "drunk texts" one night. Even knowing that her behavior was out of line and volatile and escalating and I had to do to for my own wellbeing....she had been such a good friend to me in her good moments that it still feels sh*tty to this day. I guess my point is it is a mourning process even when it's a necessary breakup...much harder when it is a mysterious one. *hugs*

I backed off from a pen pal friend from HS. For years she complained in every letter about her drunk of a husband. I kept telling her to divorce him. No reason to stick around..no kids between them, etc. they married in 1985. I think he has cut back or quit the heavy drinking after too many DUI. I am glad about that. We are now down to writing letters once or twice per year and that is fine by me.

 

[kal2021]

I just wanted to chime in to say that I think your husband is right by encouraging you to get out and make new friends. We all need friends in our lives and isolating yourself will only make you feel worse and focus more on a friendship that sounds like it ran its course, and probably for the best in the long run, because why would you want to be friends with someone who cut you off like that? Time to move on and make new friends who truly care about you and the friendship.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@cmd2014, I can't even imagine the range of emotions that came with seeing your friend again. Like you, I never saw it coming and really even if it couldn't be fixed it would have been nice to know, like just tell me so I can move on. Nope, she couldn't even give me that much. Ugh!

@CHRISTY-DANIELLE, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, 21 years is a long time. With my friend she was going through a lot at the time so that probably had something to do with it. I don't plan on reaching out, couldn't handle it and the rational side says leave the past where it is.

@Queenie60, so sorry you have gone through this twice, like once isn't bad enough!, it's too bad that the one friend couldn't handle the friendship because of your son's illness, that's not a real friend but the loss hurts all the same.

@tkyasx78, I guess time, it's hard having to learn to cope but there really isn't another option so we keep on keeping on.

@FinleysMom, it's really such a great thing that you are still friends with people from high school, even if you don't get to see them much. Cultivating interests is something I need to work on, DH actually mentioned this too.

@missy, you make so many good points including that we can't control others actions but we can control how we react. I tell my kids this all the time but it's easier to give advice than to embrace it ourselves sometimes. It would be great to get to the point of feeling it's for the best and hopefully that will come with time.

@MeowMeow, I'm sorry that you're moving and will now have a long distance friendship. I guess being ghosted is more common than I realized. Sad really. Thanks for the hug!

@lyra, thank you for posting so we can get a perspective from the other side. I believe she was going through a lot (I think she is now divorced, has two young kids and found it stressful to work full time and juggle everything else) and although I tried to encourage her to see the brighter side and think of the positive, it probably came off as pretentious and tone deaf. Maybe it wasn't me but I still feel responsible for some reason. So I really appreciate both of your posts.

@bludiva, I imagine it is no easier to let someone go even when you have a justifiable reason. At least she probably knows or has some idea why. Thanks for the hug too!

@Bonfire, everything you wrote is very sound and I have read in the process of learning to move on. I guess part of that will be learning to find interests and in turn find friends to share those interests with. It's just putting myself out there that's hard!

@monarch64, you are so right and that is a good point that working on myself is the first step because along with cultivating interests I could probably stand to work on learning to be a better friend. I didn't purposefully put all my eggs in one basket with her it was just kind of how it worked out but boy did I learn my lesson there.

@luv2sparkle, that is really heartbreaking to lose your friend of so many years but at least you've made some new friends, I know that doesn't make up for what's lost though. I actually deleted her off FB (I deleted my account completely last year) pretty soon after our falling out because I couldn't deal with seeing any updates from her.

@acaw2015, this is exactly how I feel when I let the anger of this whole thing get the better of me. You know a person for decades and then they just disappear?! Just like that, like you are nothing and worthless because that's how it makes the person being ghosted feel, kind of like the silent treatment. It's an awful feeling that I wouldn't wish on my former friend or anyone else.

@kal2021, I'm sure he would be happy to hear someone say he is right! Lol. In all seriousness I realize that I need to get in gear on moving past this and that means getting a little uncomfortable and putting myself out there.

I've mentioned this before but I came to PS because of the loss of this friendship because online friends felt safer. So although I hated having to go through losing her, had that not happened I wouldn't have met the wonderful people of PS. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to post and share their experiences.

 

[Elizabeth35]

It's okay to be sad about the end of this friendship. Although if it ended over a Christmas card, I would guess there maybe some other, bigger issues? That may have been the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.
I have seen in female friendships many times a lack of clear communication and honesty (I am 61 YO so that may impact my opinion). I have witnessed friends holding grudges and hurts without simply having an open conversation with their friend. Consequently, instead of telling the person they were upset over a slight--they piss and moan behind their back to someone else. In general--men will be more direct and resolve an issue before it ends a friendship. So I do not take part in gossip and if a friend is upset with someone else, I encourage them to resolve the issue immediately.

But to me the saddest part is that you are missing out on having friends NOW.
Your husband cares about you and wants to see you happy. I think it is important to have all the pieces of the pie---husband, kids, friends, family. It's important that you have adult friendships other than your husband so that he feels the freedom to enjoy friends. And it is important to model friendship for your kids---they need to see that Mom has friends and time to spend away from family.
So---step out there and maybe join a yoga class, a book group, whatever. Find others with shared interests--and if a friendship develops---great!
If the end of this friendship is causing you severe pain and impacting your life, then consider talking to a professional about it. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

[cmd2014]

StephanieLynn,

What got me through we’re my husband and my other friends who reminded me that I wasn’t some awful person who no one wanted to be around (because that’s how it felt - that it was somehow my fault, even though when I think of it now, I realize that she did it to DH too, because she cut him out, and to her new BF, who had become friends with my DH). I think part of it in hindsight is that I was going through a rough patch and she was coming out of one, and we were not compatible at that point in time in regard to the emotional place we were in. Or at least that’s what I’m going to choose to believe.

I hope you will challenge yourself to find new friends. I think it really does go a long way to soothing the hurt and loss that we feel when our close friendships end.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I think who we are, the make up of our personality plays a big part in whether we get over someone or not.

I am not a soulful person. I am bubbly and loving but if someone is not into me anymore I get over it pretty quickly. I even managed to get over my own mother pretty well (she's alive not dead, I am just way over her). The only person who has ever moved me and hurt me severely was my dog who was one of my great loves. I will never get over him and as much as I love him I truly wonder if it was worth it to have loved and lost. I do not like this crippling feeling.

Sorry back to the point. My approach to friendships that have withered but I still want to save is I will point blank ask the person what is going on, ask them what their issues are with me, tell them what my issues are with them and then see where the chips fall.

Hehe sometimes this does not go well. Once this girl and I (who had been friends for 5 years) just realised that we loathed everything about each other secretly and even though we had similar interests and goals, our personalities clashed so badly there was no way we'd get along so the friendship was stressful and better off dying. Sometimes it leads to a wonderfully honest conversation and really tells you whether you should even be friends with this person or not.

There have been friendships where we've both read the room and backed off so I doubt anyone is missing anyone.

 

[House Cat]

StephanieLynn,

I had a best friend for 15 years that I thought would be my friend forever. We shared everything...or rather, I shared everything with her. We talked on the phone almost every single day...sometimes for hours. We saw each other every week. She was my daily friend.

I loved this friendship. I loved her.

I entered into therapy in the middle of this friendship. When done right, therapy changes a person. It makes them healthier, more able to speak their needs, more able to speak up for themselves. What began to happen for me is that I didn’t need her as much. I still talked to her as frequently, but I wasn’t the interesting disaster that i used to be. My friend needed to be needed. My friend needed to feel better than others. I didn’t recognize this until I began to become healthier.

She found another friend who had a messy marriage and a messy life and began to drift and I was ok with that. By the time we were so far apart that we stopped talking at all...there was no heartbreak to feel.

Then years passed and I began to miss that friendship terribly. Songs would play that would make me hurt for her. That was my BEST FRIEND and I LET HER GO!!! Was I nuts??? I had forgotten all about the negative, I was just in pain. So I contacted her. We reconnected.

It’s been nothing but weird.

For one...the need to be needed, the arrogant advice giving, the superiority complex has either gotten so much worse or I have been away from it and now I see it so clearly that it is like fingernails on a chalkboard. We aren’t connecting on any level that I find acceptable. I keep trying, but I will probably give up after one more try.

What this particular experience has taught me is that maybe things are better left in the past. I probably could have loved her better if I would have left her in my memories. Now, I feel pretty bitter. But I will have to forgive myself, I was hurting and wanted to soothe my pain.

When I read your original post, tears sprang to my eyes because I could relate to your pain. It made me wonder if there is a root to it. (No need to answer if this is too personal) what is the question you keep asking yourself? Is it, “was I not good enough for her?” Or some other question that is mired in a root belief? Also, I had to wonder, if this woman was willing to walk away from you over a single argument, was she mistreating you throughout the relationship? Were there many arguments that you backed down from just to save the relationship? Was this really a healthy relationship for you? Or was this relationship just taking up space? Sometimes, ending unhealthy relationships can be the most painful of all because we have to face how they treated us and why we allowed it.

I could be way off base...if I am, I’m sorry.

When you are ready, you will easily find friends. You have the sweetest nature and people like you. There are two ways to go about this....you can let your heart heal...give it the good time it needs, but maybe you need to actively start healing it now. Whether that be finding workbooks or self help books or therapy, because you let your heart rest, right? The fear is if you put your heart in the resting state for too long, you will isolate. Only you know if you’re isolating...if you are, please begin an active healing stage. You can also heal while making friends, but only when you’re ready.

Please take good care of you.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thank you @cmd2014, I realize that friends are important it's just getting to a place where I actually want to put myself out there again because to be honest for a long time the feeling was that having no friends was better than going through that again and if I'm being honest I'm still not over that feeling completely.

@mellowyellowgirl, I appreciate your straight forward approach and I actually did ask my friend multiple times what was going on with us because I could tell things were different, that she was reaching out to other people instead of me and she denied anything was wrong. To make things more complicated we were long distance, she lives in MO and I'm in CT so it's not like we could have a face to face conversation. Like I would have been able to deal with this so much better if she had just said that it was something about me or just tell me we aren't compatible but don't lie to me and tell me everything is okay. Also I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog, they really are true friends to us and it is the worse feeling when they have to leave.

@House Cat, I echo your sentiments about the past is better left there, I subscribe to "everything happens for a reason" so when DH told me that he considered reaching out to her my initial reaction said a lot. I was glad he didn't, I don't want to go down the road again. You didn't cross a line at all and in fact these questions are thought provoking.

My biggest issue is why did she lie to me and tell me everything was okay when it obviously wasn't. She had started lying about multiple things, she was struggling financially, she had claimed bankruptcy but never told me and then one day the car title loan company called me. I called her and she said "I hope you don't mind but I used you as a reference", it was fine, no need to elaborate and I told her that. Then one day another loan company called and she said it had to do with her cell phone that she lost etc etc. Except I looked the number up (which I always do anyways) and it was another loan company, so there was one lie. Then we were struggling she was very aloof and was going through a lot and I was trying to help her, I didn't discuss a lot of my own problems because I thought it was more important that she talk about hers, the phone calls became less frequent, the texts were not responded to. Then came Christmas, she told me your kids presents are in the mail, they have been delayed, the one for my older son was backordered......they never came. I wasn't upset about the presents, I was sad that she couldn't just tell me the truth. Did she forget that when I first left my job to be a SAHM we were eating cereal for dinner because it was all we could afford? We had struggled too, but all she saw was how well we seemed to be doing in the present, she made some hurtful comments on FB about me being "upper crust" and made rude comments under an anniversary post I made for DH.

If I am being really honest, I miss the friendship more than her. It's more about losing a best friend than losing her as a best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love her but she has become a different person, almost unrecognizable, her sister had a tummy tuck and ended up hospitalized with a clot in her lung and my friend's reaction was "Oh well that's what she gets for being vain and trying to keep it a secret from everyone". I was shocked, this was not the friend I knew, but apparently that old her was gone, I loved the old friend and not the new one.

Sorry for writing a book and thank you for taking the time to reach out and respond, seeing it in black and white now, my own words saying that I mourn the idea of a best friendship not the one I had is kind of an epiphany. I'm sorry that you lost a friendship of so many years but how wonderful it is that you got better and could see that you weren't compatible as present friends. I can admit we are not compatible as friends anymore, my mind is in full agreement but my heart is so broken still.

 

[ame]

The one that burned me the most was that my entire circle decided that because I had more disposable income because I don't have kids and my husband and I both save really well, that I was their rich friend, and therefore they should use me. "Oh I want to go there but I can't afford it, can you cover me?" And they never paid me back. After our last girls trip, suddenly they all ghosted me, because my not having kids and being able to buy whatever I want was "offensive" and they hated that I "wasted my money" on stuff they couldn't buy.

As much as it bothers me, I felt like not being paid back for meals they "couldn't afford" yet miraculously still had money for taking trips to Vegas, etc., without me was a small price to pay for being used and treated like shit.

Whatever her reason is for ghosting you, it might not be in your best interest to try to mend that fence. You'll never get an honest answer or a full recovery of what was lost, so it's more worth your time to cultivate new friendships.

 

[House Cat]

Thank you @cmd2014, I realize that friends are important it's just getting to a place where I actually want to put myself out there again because to be honest for a long time the feeling was that having no friends was better than going through that again and if I'm being honest I'm still not over that feeling completely.

@mellowyellowgirl, I appreciate your straight forward approach and I actually did ask my friend multiple times what was going on with us because I could tell things were different, that she was reaching out to other people instead of me and she denied anything was wrong. To make things more complicated we were long distance, she lives in MO and I'm in CT so it's not like we could have a face to face conversation. Like I would have been able to deal with this so much better if she had just said that it was something about me or just tell me we aren't compatible but don't lie to me and tell me everything is okay. Also I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog, they really are true friends to us and it is the worse feeling when they have to leave.

@House Cat, I echo your sentiments about the past is better left there, I subscribe to "everything happens for a reason" so when DH told me that he considered reaching out to her my initial reaction said a lot. I was glad he didn't, I don't want to go down the road again. You didn't cross a line at all and in fact these questions are thought provoking.

My biggest issue is why did she lie to me and tell me everything was okay when it obviously wasn't. She had started lying about multiple things, she was struggling financially, she had claimed bankruptcy but never told me and then one day the car title loan company called me. I called her and she said "I hope you don't mind but I used you as a reference", it was fine, no need to elaborate and I told her that. Then one day another loan company called and she said it had to do with her cell phone that she lost etc etc. Except I looked the number up (which I always do anyways) and it was another loan company, so there was one lie. Then we were struggling she was very aloof and was going through a lot and I was trying to help her, I didn't discuss a lot of my own problems because I thought it was more important that she talk about hers, the phone calls became less frequent, the texts were not responded to. Then came Christmas, she told me your kids presents are in the mail, they have been delayed, the one for my older son was backordered......they never came. I wasn't upset about the presents, I was sad that she couldn't just tell me the truth. Did she forget that when I first left my job to be a SAHM we were eating cereal for dinner because it was all we could afford? We had struggled too, but all she saw was how well we seemed to be doing in the present, she made some hurtful comments on FB about me being "upper crust" and made rude comments under an anniversary post I made for DH.

If I am being really honest, I miss the friendship more than her. It's more about losing a best friend than losing her as a best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love her but she has become a different person, almost unrecognizable, her sister had a tummy tuck and ended up hospitalized with a clot in her lung and my friend's reaction was "Oh well that's what she gets for being vain and trying to keep it a secret from everyone". I was shocked, this was not the friend I knew, but apparently that old her was gone, I loved the old friend and not the new one.

Sorry for writing a book and thank you for taking the time to reach out and respond, seeing it in black and white now, my own words saying that I mourn the idea of a best friendship not the one I had is kind of an epiphany. I'm sorry that you lost a friendship of so many years but how wonderful it is that you got better and could see that you weren't compatible as present friends. I can admit we are not compatible as friends anymore, my mind is in full agreement but my heart is so broken still.

Maybe an epiphany is a first step.

I can relate to so much of what you said too! I missed the best friendship too and not the friend. I long for the type of connection I once had with her. Someone to text with and talk with about all things at any time of the day. I want to feel understood again. I want someone who will go to target with me again.

I keep telling myself she’s out there and when I’m ready, we will find one another. For now, I’m cherishing the people around me, kids, pets, husband and being the friend to them that I wish I had.

For what it’s worth, your friend turned really bitter. I think you definitely deserve better.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Elizabeth35, the Christmas card was really just the final straw you are right about that, in hindsight it was a long time coming but these things are hard to recognize in the moment. Thank you for the encouraging words, I am working on getting to a better place to embrace possibly making new friends, as you said it really will be for the benefit of everyone.

@ame, I'm sorry that you lost a whole circle, at the same time to be used as a cash machine is just not what real friendship is about so I hope you've been able to find some new friends to spend time with who aren't users! I don't plan on contacting her, I just want to forget about it, easier said than done.

@House Cat, ah someone to go to Target with...so true! I am sad for us, for all the people who have been ghosted and left in this confused, angry, sad limbo. I know in the aftermath I looked for articles online about others experiences being ghosted so maybe this thread will help someone else.

My friend went through a lot and unfortunately it took a toll on her but I always wish her well and hope she finds happiness in her life.