How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From?"

[AGBF]

This is a continuation of another thread.

Thread where it all started...[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/not-real-american-miss-america-2014.193418/page-4']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/not-real-american-miss-america-2014.193418/page-4[/URL]


I want to know how you feel when strangers ask you, based on your appearance or your accent, where you are from or, ask you based on your name, where it is from.

In the United States I am never asked where I am from based on my appearance and I don't believe I have been asked often where I am from very often based on my accent because I speak, "Television English" so that even in the Deep South people know where I am from (more or less). My name, which I took from my husband, never fails to draw attention, however, and I am often asked about its origins.

My husband, who was born and raised in northern Italy has tried hard to get rid of his accent, even going to a vocal coach. He has been unable to do so, however. He detests being asked where he is from and always says, "Connecticut". If anyone pushes him further, he gets nasty. His looks never elicit questions since he is fair with light hair and blue eyes.

My daughter sometimes looks Hispanic, which is not remarkable since both her biological parents were from Colombia. At other times she does not look different from any other Caucasian American in the US. But when she is assumed to be Spanish speaking she resents it.

I am interested in how others react to the curiosity of strangers. Or the assumptions of strangers (as in the case of what happens with my daughter).

As i have said in other thread, when I am in France, as soon as I open my mouth someone asks me whether I am German or English. No one has any compunction there to find out why I have the accent I do!

Deb/AGBF

 

[chrono]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I try to interpret that question with an open mind but don't always succeed. My accent is clearly American other than having a touch of clip or sharpness and my "A"s tend to be a bit British influenced. I just state what US state I live in and end it there, avoiding the topic of my country of origin and race.

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I just state what US state I live in and end it there, avoiding the topic of my country of origin and race.

Same here. I get offended when people ask further and get pushy when they first meet me. Timing matters.

I tried explaining this to my in-laws, and they said I was being "too sensitive", and they are just curious. As I said in the other thread, I don't like being treated like a curiosity. It's a great way to alienate someone so you never get to know them better, which is when it is appropriate to ask questions (still with common sense and courtesy.) I find it ridiculous that people think it's not rude to push someone for an answer to anything when it's not their business.

 

[madelise]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I always answer, "Los Angeles".

Personally, when they're trying to figure out my ethnic background, it isn't because there's any stereotypes or amazements about me speaking English. It's usually someone trying to figure out what mix of races I am. Or someone wondering why a white girl can speak Mandarin fluently. Sometimes, I feel like it oversteps boundaries, for example, when it's a complete stranger I don't know at work or on the streets. I guess it's because the answer is never just a short one; they'll keep digging for more information.

"Who's the Asian one, your mom or your dad?'
"How did THAT happen?! How did they meet?!"
"Wow, so your white parent allowed you to learn Mandarin at home? My Asian kids can't even speak an Asian language!"
"So how did their marriage work out?"
"Are they still together?"
"Who do you look like more?"
"Oh, you're Italian! That explains your figure!" (I'm overweight, and it's taboo for Asian women to be overweight).

I feel like a freak show. It's not a nice feeling. But when someone who isn't a complete stranger (a coworker or a classmate) asks me, I don't feel automatically on the offense. I do if they keep prying, but usually it's just a "OH NO WONDER.. I was trying to figure that out!" and that's it. For some reason, it's the complete strangers that like to keep going on and on and on and won't take my curt answers as a hint. The few times I insisted on not answering at work, I got a bad evaluation form filled out by the patients on their patient experience forms. Yeah, my boss didn't like that much and actually used it against me in my annual evaluations. She said that, since I look the way I do, they have every right to ask me questions. And then she wondered why I would refuse to use Mandarin-Chinese at work with people who knew any English. HAH! I'm glad I left that job.

 

[dragonfly411]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I mostly get the whole southern thing, which I don't mind.

The fun one is explaining why I look the way I do and why my sister looks the way she does:

 

[chrono]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

My sister and I look nothing alike either. She is short and fair skinned. I am tall and have tanned skin.

 

[Circe]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I don't mind "Where are you from?"

I don't mind "Where is your family from?"

My opinion of people drops into the negative zone when they ask, "So, what are you?" Or, for that matter, when they refuse to accept the answer they're given and keep pushing for more info. For some reason, it's considered less intrusive than asking, say, how much people earn ... possibly because it's something that usually only gets thrown at minorities, who are read as having less social capitol and thus as being less likely to protest or point out the bad manners. Icky, icky.

 

[justginger]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

As soon as I open my mouth, it is obvious that I am not Australian - I get asked where I'm from often. It used to bother me when I first arrived; I missed a sense of anonymity. I hated standing out. I'm used to it now - Perth is rather multicultural, so there's always casual banter regarding where we're all from and how we got here.

What I *do* find annoying is that many guess straight off the bat, and they ALWAYS guess Canadian. They do so because, as I've been told over and over, Canadians down here get very bent out of shape if their identities are guessed to be American. So Aussies have been trained to guess that a North American accent is Canadian first. THAT annoys me - the fact the Canadians here overreact to being guessed to be an "ugly American," and thus behave in a poor manner themselves.

 

[dragonfly411]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

My sister and I look nothing alike either. She is short and fair skinned. I am tall and have tanned skin.

Chrono, that is how we are. She has very olive tanned skin and very noble features. I took short, dumpy and blonde with tired eyes. Her looks come from my father, his family is Portuguese. I took the Irish from my mom's side. I'm sure there are many families that have this happen just because! We are just so starkly different, we end up getting asked all the time "Where did your features come from? Where did your sister's features come from? You look nothing alike! I never even thought you were sisters." It's so funny!


I do agree that a question like "What are you?"is highly inappropriate.

 

[missy]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

It's not my favorite question. And "what are you" is even worse but they are both not great questions IMO.

I know that when people ask me this question they are trying to figure out if I am jewish or italian. Though one is a religion and the other is a nationality. Don't get me started on that topic.

The question annoys me and makes me feel as if that person is judging me (and others) based on their ethnicity/religion/race etc. Not OK.
I often play this question out as if I am clueless as to what they are asking. I might answer from NYC. And then they might say no no where is your family from? And then I'll say they are from NYC too. And then they'll ask no no your ancestors, and I'll say NYC. LOL.

Though sometimes I will respond with the question why do you want to know?
That usually shuts them up.

I have no problem with genuine want to get to know me type questions but it's easy to differentiate which questions are of those type and which are not.

I also hate the prejudicial comments that are seemingly putting a positive spin on your religion/ethnicity because to me those are just as racist as the ones that are not as insidious. For example when I get oh I'm so glad I have a Jewish doctor. Or when my MIL told me she admires the Jewish people because of all the emphasis they put on education. Again not OK IMO. Racist and wrong. Judging someone based on stereotypes(whether good or bad is just never OK in my book) or judging someone based on anything other than who they are as a person is not OK.

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

For dragonfly:

I'm sorry, perhaps I don't fully understand, but I don't see a problem with asking someone's ethnicity? If we are to embrace diversity, then shouldn't we be free to ask about ethnicity? I have always seen it as a way to get to know someone, and to perhaps know more about their values, heritage and who they are. I have a friend who's mother is from the Phillipines. She has the most beautiful eyes and skin tone and hair. When I first met her, I did ask, and she was flattered and more than happy to share. Perhaps some cultures find it more offensive than others, or those who have been born here and don't necessarily embrace their original heritages? I am Portuguese on my father's side and Irish on my mom's side.... I choose to learn about those heritages and embrace them. I guess I don't see a problem with asking people about their heritage, history and things like that. I feel it is a way to know one another and to accept each other for who we are.

Please see my previous explanation. If you ask everyone their ethnicity indiscriminately, I see no issue. If you pick people because they are not white, I have an issue. If you ever go to a live in another country where you are the minority, and that country and those people have history of discrimination against your people, and you are constantly asked every single week if you are X, Y, Z, I bet you will get fed up with it. There is a reason why it's offensive to go around asking if people are Jewish in Germany, or ask if someone who appears African-America where they are from in the US (I have friend who answers, white people took my ancestors here by force. I have no idea where I am from. It's always met with complete silence). By the same token, Asians and other people who _grew up_ in the US are offended when asked where they are from. Your friend's mother is from the Phillipines. Does she see herself as as foreigner? If I saw myself as a foreigner, I would not be offended.

After the shooting at Virginia Tech, I experienced an increase in people not asking where I was from, but if I was Korean. People had the gall then to lead that conversation about how a Korean shot people. Dragonfly, while you may have no intent to offend, if you are perceived as discriminating your questions based on race or perceived "Americanness", people will be offended. It's better to leave that question when you get to know someone, or better yet, if you really get to know someone, they will tell you. I never ask someone's sexual orientation upon first meeting them, but if I get to know them, I end up finding out (if they are out). Does it matter to me in terms of my getting to know them? No, so I don't ask. To me, it's the same thing. I have been actively discriminated against in the US for being Korean or Asian (even before VT).

Finally, if you truly embrace diversity, before you ask, offer something of yourself. When I ask someone if they are Korean, I always say first, I am Korean and my extended family is still in Korea. I am looking to meet other Koreans to share my heritage. Are you Korean? I don't put the person the spot that they're Korean, instead I make it clear that I am embracing them for their Korean heritage. When you ask someone their ethnicity, do you then share yours? I've never had a single non-Asian person share their ethnicity with me after they've asked for mine. If once suggested this to my husband who is part Polish, and he said he would feel awkward saying "I am Polish and I was wondering about your ethnicity" to someone who was not Polish. I said, yes, you see it as socially awkward, because _it is_.

As for my in-law, the person who asked an Asian person if she was Korean, and ask immediately turned to me and said "how many cousins do you have?!", she is socially awkward in other ways also. It was not that she just asked someone where they were from. She brings me and my family into her "Korean" and "Asian" comments and assumptions in general, which is very offensive. I certainly have never asked her if English people do X, Y, and Z because she has English heritage. She has also made fun of how a deaf person gesticulated. She discriminates with no check. I will leave it at that.

Dragonfly, if you simply ask someone where they are from, and it goes no further, it is not the same as my example. You probably stop when someone states where they are from (Boston in my situation), and don't push. Still, I think it's better to leave that area of someone's life for when you really get to know them.

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I always answer, "Los Angeles".

Personally, when they're trying to figure out my ethnic background, it isn't because there's any stereotypes or amazements about me speaking English. It's usually someone trying to figure out what mix of races I am. Or someone wondering why a white girl can speak Mandarin fluently. Sometimes, I feel like it oversteps boundaries, for example, when it's a complete stranger I don't know at work or on the streets. I guess it's because the answer is never just a short one; they'll keep digging for more information.

"Who's the Asian one, your mom or your dad?'
"How did THAT happen?! How did they meet?!"
"Wow, so your white parent allowed you to learn Mandarin at home? My Asian kids can't even speak an Asian language!"
"So how did their marriage work out?"
"Are they still together?"
"Who do you look like more?"
"Oh, you're Italian! That explains your figure!" (I'm overweight, and it's taboo for Asian women to be overweight).

I feel like a freak show. It's not a nice feeling. But when someone who isn't a complete stranger (a coworker or a classmate) asks me, I don't feel automatically on the offense. I do if they keep prying, but usually it's just a "OH NO WONDER.. I was trying to figure that out!" and that's it. For some reason, it's the complete strangers that like to keep going on and on and on and won't take my curt answers as a hint. The few times I insisted on not answering at work, I got a bad evaluation form filled out by the patients on their patient experience forms. Yeah, my boss didn't like that much and actually used it against me in my annual evaluations. She said that, since I look the way I do, they have every right to ask me questions. And then she wondered why I would refuse to use Mandarin-Chinese at work with people who knew any English. HAH! I'm glad I left that job.

This is awful.

I have a family member who goes on and on the same way. I've realized she's also socially inept in other areas also. The reason why I don't know friends who do this is because when I detect social awkwardness upon meeting someone, no real relationship blossoms. Family is different because you don't pick them (except your spouse).

 

[movie zombie]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

it happens to me even within California.
I live near the California coast but was born and raised in the Central Valley. when I return there I'm obviously not from there based on dress and jewelry.
it happens when traveling in Europe.
it happens in Australia.
it happens just stopping to eat going up highway 395 between California and Nevada [I asked if they had something other than coors or bud].......
i just roll with it. most think i'm an artist!!!!! LOL! i can't even draw a straight line!

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

Why do they think you're artist?

 

[ericad]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

Happens to me all the time. My dad is from India and my mom is Czech. Doesn't bother me at all - most often I'm asked by someone of a specific ethnicity because they're wondering if I'm of the same background as they are. I was once at a business lunch and the waiter came out in embarrassment to ask my ethnicity because all of the guys in the kitchen had a bet going, to figure out what I am.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

It depends on who's asking and what I perceive their intentions to be. Most of the time I don't mind the question per se... it's just that the answer can easily get involved (especially when it's "where did you grow up" or "where is your last name from") and I have no desire to invest that kind of time or energy in a stranger, so I just give a general answer. Generally though I don't find the question offensive.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

Happens to me all the time. My dad is from India and my mom is Czech. Doesn't bother me at all - most often I'm asked by someone of a specific ethnicity because they're wondering if I'm of the same background as they are. I was once at a business lunch and the waiter came out in embarrassment to ask my ethnicity because all of the guys in the kitchen had a bet going, to figure out what I am.

I hope you negotioated a cut of the win!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I don't feel anything when strangers ask me where I'm from. It's like asking me my name.
I'm an open book, not embarassed about my roots, and usually share that information without being asked. Usually due to my transparency, other people open up to me in the same manner, without me having to ask.

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I don't feel anything when strangers ask me where I'm from. It's like asking me my name.
I'm an open book, not embarassed about my roots, and usually share that information without being asked. Usually due to my transparency, other people open up to me in the same manner, without me having to ask.

I'm curious, have you been regularly discriminated against for your ethnicity? For example, has anyone told you that your culture seems violent and that's why it produced a mass murderer? That you only got into a school because of affirmative action? Perhaps that makes a difference? Context is everything.

I'm not embarrassed about my roots either. Do you think the rest of us are who don't like this question are embarrassed of our roots?

I go to Korean language school, eat Korean food at work, etc. (No, I don't bring kimchi because it has a strong smell that offends some people.) What I don't like is are some of the things that follow this line of questioning, which is what the people who don't like this question have experienced, as illustrated by the anecdotes above.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

Weirdly, both my sister and I have been asked "Where are you from?" a few times by strangers, and we are both pretty average-looking midwesterners, with Swedish and German/Czech heritage, brown hair and eyes and pretty pale complexions. One time, it was a guy at Subway who asked us this, and we were like, "Um, we're from here?" and he was like, "No, originally what country?" and we're like "Yeah... originally from here." We didn't ask where he thought we were from, but obviously, not the midwest! Maybe he thought we were Swedes? When we had a Colombian exchange student living with us, people often thought she and my sister were sisters. Once someone assumed my sister was Lebanese. I think people ask because they think it will be an interesting story.

I guess it's kind of an awkward question and violates some boundaries, so I am careful about asking people, but I'm also interested in knowing what languages people speak, etc. regardless of what they look like.

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

Weirdly, both my sister and I have been asked "Where are you from?" a few times by strangers, and we are both pretty average-looking midwesterners, with Swedish and German/Czech heritage, brown hair and eyes and pretty pale complexions. One time, it was a guy at Subway who asked us this, and we were like, "Um, we're from here?" and he was like, "No, originally what country?" and we're like "Yeah... originally from here." We didn't ask where he thought we were from, but obviously, not the midwest! Maybe he thought we were Swedes? When we had a Colombian exchange student living with us, people often thought she and my sister were sisters. Once someone assumed my sister was Lebanese. I think people ask because they think it will be an interesting story.

I guess it's kind of an awkward question and violates some boundaries, so I am careful about asking people, but I'm also interested in knowing what languages people speak, etc. regardless of what they look like.

Rubybeth, I'm glad you realized that it was socially awkward. The fact that you remember means it is odd. It's the same for us who get asked _all the time_. At best, it's awkward. At it's worst, it's offensive. It's all in the context, and what else gets said. When I am traveling abroad, I am not offended at all because I say I'm an American, and that's that. It's never good enough to say I'm an American here, which I am. Here, that's not what's going on.

 

[AGBF]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

but I'm also interested in knowing what languages people speak, etc. regardless of what they look like.

I do not intrude on every single conversation in a foreign language I do not recognize. I realize that some conversations are between people that seem engrossed in something emotional or highly personal. The percentage of conversations on which I intrude is high, however. I just have to know what language is being spoken.

Deb

 

[pregcurious]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I don't mind "Where are you from?"

I don't mind "Where is your family from?"

My opinion of people drops into the negative zone when they ask, "So, what are you?" Or, for that matter, when they refuse to accept the answer they're given and keep pushing for more info. For some reason, it's considered less intrusive than asking, say, how much people earn ... possibly because it's something that usually only gets thrown at minorities, who are read as having less social capitol and thus as being less likely to protest or point out the bad manners. Icky, icky.

True.

Talking about manners, manners just come down to doing something as to not offend other people. When my daughter asks me why she has to eat a certain way, instead of the way she wants, I tell her it's for other people. These questions are the same. If you're curious and keep on asking despite how someone else feels, then I think it becomes a lack of manners, and rude. I get that people are curious; that is not the issue here.

Manners are different everywhere. If you go to Korea, you must absolutely figure out the age of everyone you speak to determine which level of language to use. It's rude, however, to ask outright, so you ask indirect questions.

Perhaps manners about ethnicity are only just being defined in the US, and there's surely still racism here to stay. It wasn't long ago that I would have been sitting at the back of the bus, and it was less than a decade a ago that the Patriot Act was put into place that discriminates against you based on your place of birth, not your citizenship. (Yes, that's a fact. I was told if I had been born in North Korea, I would have to change fields of science because I used to work on the pathology of dangerous bacteria. I changed anyway. What happens if one day if being born in South Korea is not "good enough"?) We also live in a country where our current president was asked if he was "American" enough based on his birth place, and he was accused of forging his birth certificate. When you ask in the US where someone's birthplace is, you cannot put your blinders on and act like there is no context. I have been treated like a foreigner based on the way I look. That's a fact, and it will continue to happen.

 

[Rhea]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I'm not sure that I'm the intended responder for this question. I'm very white and fit right in until I open my mouth.

I feel very confused and normally just give them a blank stare. If my husband is around he steps in to say that we live in London. I've lived in England for about 7 years now. I never know what to say, especially if we're outside London. Are they talking about where I was born, where I grew up, or where current home is? And it's never the correct answer to them! If I say Atlanta they don't know where that is. If I say Georgia a couple of people have assumed the country. If I say the South of the US they want to where exactly and we're back to them not knowing where Atlanta, Georgia is. If I make it an explanation then I get looked like I'm stupid for assuming they don't know where Atlanta is. And then occasionally I'll run into another Georgian or someone who has family in Georgia and wants to talk specifics. That's when I get to admit I never actually lived in Atlanta, but it's suburbs and the fun starts over again!

It can be asked nicely and without putting me on the back foot, but it rarely is.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

I'll tell you why I'm suspicious of the "Where are you from" question- it's because, as an Asian-American, many people don't meant what city or state am I from- they mean, you are a foreigner and therefore can't be just an American- you must be from somewhere else. When I answer that I'm from North Carolina, they argue back, "No, where are you REALLY from?" It's just like that What Kind Of Asian video on You Tube. The default is that you're American if you're white (or black); anything else is too foreign. If people ask my white husband where he's from and when he replies Missouri, they never say no, where you really from? All non-native people came from somewhere else, yet no one seems to question my husband's roots.


I speak perfect, accent-less English (which is my only language, other than a toddler-level proficiency in Italian), yet people compliment me on my English like I learned it recently. I could understand it if I had an accent or something that gave me away as a recent immigrant, but I don't at all. And then don't get me started on people commenting on how my Italian-Scottish last names don't match my Asian face!

 

[SB621]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

To sort of step onto Missy's point I don't mind when people ask where I'm from based off my looks or (lack of) accent. But i positively can't stand it when ppl tell me I look Jewish. Seriously how do I look like a religion. Then they usually go on to ask if someone in my family was Christian at one point because I have blue eyes. I have been told many times Jewish ppl are supposed to have brown eyes.

Oh and for the record I usually respond with I'm a citizen of the world when asked where I'm from. I grew up in 7 states and 2 different countries so I'm not really from anywhere. My parents are also from different states and all 4 grandparents are from 4 different European countries. I think my answer pretty much covers it all.

 

[kenny]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

When you feel the question is rude you can give the rude answer, "I'm from my mom."

 

[missy]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

To sort of step onto Missy's point I don't mind when people ask where I'm from based off my looks or (lack of) accent. But i positively can't stand it when ppl tell me I look Jewish. Seriously how do I look like a religion. Then they usually go on to ask if someone in my family was Christian at one point because I have blue eyes. I have been told many times Jewish ppl are supposed to have brown eyes.

Oh and for the record I usually respond with I'm a citizen of the world when asked where I'm from. I grew up in 7 states and 2 different countries so I'm not really from anywhere. My parents are also from different states and all 4 grandparents are from 4 different European countries. I think my answer pretty much covers it all.

LOL I never heard of that one. My dad has the bluest eyes. I need to tell him that he isn't supposed to haha. Speaking of my dad when he was in the navy (in the 1960's) many people there never even had met a jewish person before. He recalled an incident where one man said to him you're jewish? I thought Jews had little horns on their heads. Really. For the record my dad was a handsome man with dark hair the bluest eyes and I know a lot of people were surprised he was Jewish. Really disappointing how ignorant people were and still are.

I asked this question of my dh and he said it doesn't bother him when people ask what he is. His last name could be spanish or italian so he does get asked a lot about his background. But to take pregcurious's point the reason he doesn't mind is because he was never (knowingly at least) discriminated against because of his ethnicity.

At work last year a woman in another department asked me what I was. I said what do you mean? And she meant religion so I told her and she said really, you don't "seem" Jewish. WTF. That really aggravated me. But I didn't let on and I said what do you mean by that and she said she associated jews with the men with the hats and the ladies with the wigs. Seriously. What decade, no what century are we in? Yes this still goes on today and that is why I am sensitive to this question and why I totally understand others being sensitive to it as well no matter the reason be it race, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, or whatever. Please don't judge us by any of these characteristics. Judge us by who we are and what we do and how we treat others.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

When you feel the question is rude you can give the rude answer, "I'm from my mom."

Kenny
Your correct answer is...I am from Mars...

 

[kenny]

Re: How Do You Feel When Strangers Ask , "Where Are You From

When you feel the question is rude you can give the rude answer, "I'm from my mom."

Kenny
Your correct answer is...I am from Mars...

Well, I guess that's better than being from Uranus.