How do you feel if a couple doesn''t register?

[trillionaire]

Is it confusing? Annoying? Do you forego a gift under the assumption that they don''t expect any? Do you just default to cash? Do you call the couple in confusion and ask them?

What is your reaction?

I was just wondering this after reading several threads on wedding gifts and etiquette...

 

[MagsyMay]

I would just assume the couple would rather cash. I would never think that meant that they didn''t want a gift! I wouldn''t be inclined to buy a gift without a registry unless I knew the couple really well.

 

[Winslet]

I wouldn''t even notice unless I were invited to the shower. Personally, I always prefer to give cash as a wedding gift.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hmmm... about 10 minutes ago a workmate asked me where i was registering and i told him that we weren''t going to bother. Well the look on his face said it all!! He said ''Right...'' ( followed by a very long silence).

I am having a wedding in my backyard and i just don''t feel justified in setting up a registry or asking for cash for a honeymoon fund.

Although i love the idea of going around the shops with one of those scanners zapping everything.

I think from a guest point of view i prefer for people to have a registry as it takes a lot of the guess work out of it for me, at least i know they are getting something that they wanted!!

 

[charbie]

Date: 9/8/2009 10:38:36 PM
Author:trillionaire
Is it confusing? Annoying? Do you forego a gift under the assumption that they don''t expect any? Do you just default to cash? Do you call the couple in confusion and ask them?


What is your reaction?


I was just wondering this after reading several threads on wedding gifts and etiquette...

Probably confusing for me since everyone I know creates a registry. I wouldn''t be annoyed, I''d end up looking it up online until I got frustrated and called. Most people who have lived together for some time don''t always need new things though. I didn''t actually need a ton of stuff either, so our registry is quite small- in fact most of the gifts will probably be covered by the showers to be honest.
FYI: I did put a toaster on it, because when FI''s roommate moved out of the house he took it. I''ve refused to buy one for over a year with the thought it would be on the registry.

I also only typically buy gifts for showers. We give cash/checks and lottery tickets.​

 

[VRBeauty]

In no partiular order of importance, I''d feel:

1) slightly annoyed;

2) moved to give cash;

3) free to give whatever I thought the couple might need or like.

I know that #3 is making a lot of BTB''s groan

and swear to go complete that register, but... that''s the way it was done, not all that long ago.

Of course, that''s before all of us had houses or apartments that were bursting at the seams with too much stuff.

OK, maybe I''d stick to 1 and 2....

 

[4ever]

I''d be fine with it, it''s just a bit difficult if you don''t know them well enough to know what to buy to get them somthing they''d like. The last wedding I went to was my cousins and they didn''t register so I talked to my Aunt for any hints at what they would like (and then we never recived a thank you card so I still don''t have a clue if they liked it or it wasn''t to their taste). I''ve not been to many weddings and never one with a gift registery but I can imagine it would just be alot easyer and less stressful to just KNOW you had got them somthing they would like and use. Even if there''s nothing left on the registery I could afford to get them I''d at least know what kind of stuff they''d like so it would be a more educated guess.

Are you thinking of not doing a registery yourself?

Also, just to be aquard and thread-jack a bit, for those having a really small wedding and reception with just close friends and family, are you going to have a gift registery?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/8/2009 11:14:37 PM
Author: 4ever

Are you thinking of not doing a registery yourself?

Also, just to be aquard and thread-jack a bit, for those having a really small wedding and reception with just close friends and family, are you going to have a gift registery?

Well, since we plan to elope and have a reception/party a bit later, I''m not sure that I feel like it is appropriate to register, since we are doing something a bit non-traditional. And, after recently moving, I can honestly say we have WAY too much stuff as it is.

I''m not a wedding person as it is, and though the scanner thing seems ''fun'', I am indecisive, and choosing things for a registry would probably make me insane. And therefore, by extension, it would make FI insane too

So yeah, I''ll avoid it if I can...

 

[LilyKat]

The option I find best is when a couple registers, but only reveals it when asked.

Not registering can be interpreted as a hint to give cash and/or that you don''t care enough about your guests to give them suggestions as to what to get (note I DO NOT think this - but I know that some other people do, hence their annoyance when a couple don''t register). It can also result in getting a load of unwanted rubbish (the old "ten toasters" story).

Honestly, I would either register somewhere or at least have a suggestion for when people ask you, and they will. It might just be mentioning that you''re saving for a dining table set at x store and vouchers for that store would be great. I get you feeling that because of the nature of your wedding you don''t want to seem "entitled" to gifts, but as long as you keep it discreet, I don''t think it would be interpreted in this way.

 

[honey22]

Registering is not as popular in Oz than it appears to be in the states, and we can''t just search online for a registry I don''t believe.

It depends on the couple, I usually know my friends pretty well, so I would feel comfortable giving them cash for their honeymoon etc. Most of our friends are established with a house etc, so I feel that contributing to a fabulous honeymoon is a great present.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 9/9/2009 4:18:51 AM
Author: honey22
Registering is not as popular in Oz than it appears to be in the states, and we can''t just search online for a registry I don''t believe.

It depends on the couple, I usually know my friends pretty well, so I would feel comfortable giving them cash for their honeymoon etc. Most of our friends are established with a house etc, so I feel that contributing to a fabulous honeymoon is a great present.

Oh yes we can honey!!

Well you can, i can''t coz i''m in Perth.

http://www.weddinggiftsdirect.com.au/

I found it today when trying to google exactly when you should set up a registry. I didn''t really look into it though since it''s for the east coast only.

 

[susied]

I have never encountered this, but I would go with cash or some other gift I know the couple would like.

 

[zipzapgirl]

If it were an older couple or a second marriage, or it was a destination wedding I travelled for, I might think that they didn''t want a gift.

If it was someone who didn''t fall into the above category, I would think first that I had missed the registry somehow. Then I would be annoyed that I needed to guess about the gift. I think in that case, you will likely end up with a bunch of random stuff, crystal vases, toasters and blenders, tupperware and picture frames. I''d say you take a large gamble there in receiving a) nothing at all, b) cash, or c) random gifts which you will not be able to return.

I think the best answer is always to create a small registry. You can even register at Target for things like board games, camping equipment, and home items. Seems like everyone could find something they could use in that case. And if not, I think the returns process is pretty easy and you could use the credits to buy groceries if you needed to...

 

[absolut_blonde]

Honestly, while I would much prefer cash, I am still going to register because I find that some people really prefer giving an actual item as opposed to cash. Especially- at least in my family/region- the older folks like grandparents.

Plus, I would be too afraid that we''d end up with a total mishmash of random stuff otherwise!

 

[anchor31]

It doesn''t bother me at all, especially since my own registry experience was so bad. Registering is not as standard in my area either, so I usually give them money or ask them what they want. I took my brother shopping last year when he got married.

 

[vespergirl]

I didn''t register for my wedding. When DH and I got married, we had a small destination wedding, and we were 29 and 34 & both owned our own houses, so we already had plenty of stuff. Not registering doesn''t mean you shouldn''t give a gift, though - it just goes back to the old days when brides didn''t demand certain gifts, and the gift chosen was up to the giver, not the recipient. We were fine with a gift either chosen by the attendee or cash if they chose to give that. We mostly received cash or gift cards to stores like Crate & Barrel.

 

[Delster]

It wouldn't surprise me one bit as registering isn't that common in Ireland. I've only been to one wedding where the couple registered, and even then we didn't know about their register until someone else mentioned it after the wedding. We never thought to ask if they had a registry because we'd never encountered it before! We just did what we usually did which is give a cheque.

Honestly, among my friends and family, the whole concept of a registry raises a few eyebrows. It's seen as demanding particular gifts, rather than being gracious with whatever people choose to give you. But I know it's not seen that way in the States.

 

[charbie]

i didn''t realize registrering was a regional thing.
i have people calling me asking me what items i want off my registry. umm, duh. i wouldn''t have put them on the registry if i didn''t want them! i don''t demand/expect gifts what-so-ever, however if people are going to be buying them anyway, you might as well get the stuff you want/need! i mean, you were really anti-wedding gifts, why would someone throw you a bridal shower?

 

[Delster]

charbie didn''t know if you were asking me specifically?

We don''t do wedding showers, baby showers, or any other kinds of gift giving parties, for the same reason. It''s also out of the question here to ask a bridesmaid to pay for her own attire.

Just cultural differences!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 9/9/2009 10:28:34 AM
Author: zipzapgirl
If it were an older couple or a second marriage, or it was a destination wedding I travelled for, I might think that they didn''t want a gift.

We were all of the above! We are older (both in our 30s) and it was a second marriage for DH, AND it was a DW!


We didnt register because we REALLY didn''t want anything and we made it clear that everyone''s presence at our parties and wedding was more than enough gift for us. Some people still bought us things and we received very beautiful gifts. I loved it because I probably would never have even thought about registering for these and we use them all the time!

As a guest I don''t really care either way, we usually give money for weddings so it wouldn''t impact me in any way!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I would assume the couple didn''t need any household items and preferred cash...

We almost didn''t register since we already lived together for a couple of years... In the end we did but it was really irritating because we ended up asking for things we totally didn''t need just to give our guest some gift options...

I would never be offended is someone didn''t register... Cash, in my mind, is always the best gift anyway.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I''d think nothing of a couple not registering. I''d just give them cash... It doesn''t matter to me whether no-registry implies "cash only." Who cares? (Rhetorical question- I know some people care... a LOT). So long as the couple doesn''t say, "Oh, please give us money in lieu of presents" it will not ruffle my feathers. Heck- even if a couple DID say "Please give us money," I (personally) wouldn''t care. ::ducks from etiquette gurus::


As for my own wedding:

We''re not having a DW per-se, but our wedding is taking place halfway across the country from where we live though most of the guests in attendance will be locals.

Registering seems like a pain, because we will have to haul everything or ship everything to our home in another state well after the wedding is over. Our guests realize this.

BUT- we''re registering anyway.

Will most people get gifts off of the registry? Probably not. Even so, there are a few things we don''t own and a few things we''d like to upgrade, so we''ve opted to register at 2-3 stores for around 20 different items. With a guest list of 165 people, this seems reasonable. If we find that the items start to "sell out" then we''ll add a few more. My hunch, however, is that most will give cash.

 

[princesss]

Trill - you can always set up a small registry and only tell people about it if asked. That way there''s a go-to for anybody that does want to get you something and feels like they need to choose off of a registry, and then don''t most places give a discount after your wedding for anything you registered for that wasn''t purchased? Could be a good way to get a discount on any big ticket items you need...

 

[Maisie]

Its not really the done thing to have a registry here either. Thats for the posh people

If we know the couple well we would probably buy them a gift. If we don''t its quite common to give gift vouchers for the larger stores so they can choose their own gift.

 

[elrohwen]

I would probably be confused at first and assume I just wasn't finding it. Then I would call them (or ask someone who would know). If I was sure they didn't have a registry, I would just give cash.

ETA: I didn't want to have a registry because there's not a single thing I need or want for my house (except some nice new furniture or something, but that's something we'll have to buy ourselves). I did end up doing a Honeymoon registry because I didn't want to leave my guests confused and asking questions. So I guess I wouldn't mind if another couple didn't register because I totally get it, but I'm not sure how many other people get it (especially older family members, etc)

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 9/9/2009 11:29:34 AM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
I''d think nothing of a couple not registering. I''d just give them cash... It doesn''t matter to me whether no-registry implies ''cash only.'' Who cares? (Rhetorical question- I know some people care... a LOT). So long as the couple doesn''t say, ''Oh, please give us money in lieu of presents'' it will not ruffle my feathers. Heck- even if a couple DID say ''Please give us money,'' I (personally) wouldn''t care. ::ducks from etiquette gurus::

We did a honeymoon registry, which I already kind of feel is just asking for cash ... but then my mom said since we weren''t registering for "stuff" she would just tell her friends attending to send us cash

She did not understand why that was wrong. I tried to explain that just because she wouldn''t mind if someone asked her to give cash (and I honestly wouldn''t either) doesn''t mean that other people wouldn''t take offense to it.

 

[TooPatient]

I''m in the US. Not everyone sees registering as an improvement. I actually fall into the category that sees it as demanding. Pushy. Ungrateful.
Another part of me sees it as useful. No big pile of blenders. No decorative bowl to feel like you have to display (and hide when the givers aren''t around).
And the gift giver doesn''t have to give it any thought. Can even purchase it online and have it delivered to the bride giftwrapped. Just doesn''t seem as special.

I''m torn. I''d rather skip the registery. Especially since we already have a house and stuff. The only stuff we "need" is upgrades of what we have and I don''t feel good suggesting expensive items as gifts. And I''d rather share the experience of shopping for major things as a couple.
Then again, I''ve seen the gifts my family gives when they don''t have guidance. (remembering back to a holiday when I was younger -- I got Yahtzee from 3 different people one night. Did I mention that I''m really not a board game person?)


I think the suggestion of a small registery and only telling those who ask is a good idea. That way the old fashioned people can get the gifts they want and the co-workers and others can have a list to just get something from.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I typically only note the registry when I am invited to a shower of some sort. If a couple doesn''t register, I take it as a hint that they would prefer cash. In all honestly I''d prefer this subtle nudge in the cash direction as opposed to some of my friends who have had "greenback showers" or have written poems which they think are "cute" and I see as nothing more than a statement of "we want money''.

A small registry is never a terrible thing as it can help some of the more indecisive people feel confident they are getting you something to make you happy.

 

[D&T]

I wished we could go back and turn the clock so we wouldn't do a registry. We did register, but we only put like 30 small items...lol on the list, it just fel weird to us, and we really didn't want gifts or anything. We just wanted our family and friends to be there, and we knew what our budget was so we didn't think any gifts/cash would go towards the wedding. But now adays we just buy gift cards (to stores that sell mulitple items or gift cards to restuarants) anyways to all the weddings we attend, unless we knew them personally and had a relationship to know what kind of items they would like.

 

[elle_chris]

I wouldn''t think anything of it. Like, Keepingthefaith21, I only check the registry for showers For weddings, I always give cash.