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How do I deal with my son bullying other children

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LaraOnline

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Rainydaze' suggestions sounded so good to me, although I am yet to get to that stage in life with my young boy. My younger brother was badly bullied at school, bullying can have a foul affect on the innocent victims, the experience does not end when the interaction with the bully is over for the day. IN fact, it can have emotional effects for a lifetime.

Do you think it would be worth contacting the parents of the bullied child, and having your son initiate some form of contact, apologetic meeting or playdate or whatever? I think the victim's psychological state also needs to be cared for, and having your son being made aware of his impact can probably help bring an end to his 'acting out' as well?

Is he too young to see that the victim has nothing to do with the 'issues' he is struggling with in his life?

Anyway, all the best in solving this!
all my sympathies are with you.
 

purrfectpear

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I know it''s hard to face, but although you describe him as a sweet happy little boy at home, the fact is that 10 isn''t a little boy any more and "bullying" is taunting another child with words - what you''ve described is violence against a smaller child. Violence like that in a California school would have gotten him suspended and a second occurrence could be cause for expulsion.

I think he knows exactly what he''s doing (though he may not know why). I say this because he stopped the minute it caused him a consequence, and he started again the minute the consequence was over. That seems to signal that he can control it. He just chooses not to when it doesn''t affect him.

I''m not sure that more face time with a male role model will change this? I really think that counseling and behavior modification/anger management training may be in order. I can tell that you are very concerned, I wish we had answers. I think the kids he is hanging out with may be challenging him to act out? Do you think he''s trying to prove himself to them to be part of their group?
 

Maisie

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Thank you for the comments and advice everyone. I do appreciate it.


Date: 3/9/2009 10:05:32 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I know it''s hard to face, but although you describe him as a sweet happy little boy at home, the fact is that 10 isn''t a little boy any more and ''bullying'' is taunting another child with words - what you''ve described is violence against a smaller child. Violence like that in a California school would have gotten him suspended and a second occurrence could be cause for expulsion.

I think he knows exactly what he''s doing (though he may not know why). I say this because he stopped the minute it caused him a consequence, and he started again the minute the consequence was over. That seems to signal that he can control it. He just chooses not to when it doesn''t affect him.

I''m not sure that more face time with a male role model will change this? I really think that counseling and behavior modification/anger management training may be in order. I can tell that you are very concerned, I wish we had answers. I think the kids he is hanging out with may be challenging him to act out? Do you think he''s trying to prove himself to them to be part of their group?
Thank you for your post PP. I appreciate your comments. I agree with everything you say. He obviously does see what he is doing is wrong. He managed a whole month without doing anything to this boy.

The group he hangs out with are quite rough boys. I think he does want to impress them and I think it may be that he is worried that they will pick on him if he stops being the ''tough guy''. This does not excuse the way he has behaved though.

He has been good since the last episode. He has been friendly towards the boy he was bullying. I am thinking of inviting the boy round to play or maybe to go for a pizza with us. I hope that by seeing my son outside of school they will get along better.

Thank you for your support.
 

swimmer

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Maisie,
It sounds like you are making good decisions during a difficult time.
My research concerns adolescent development of empathy and your son seems to be approaching that point where kids can really understand that their actions hurt others and that they can control those actions. Some kids get there earlier or later (we all know a few choice adults who have yet to get it), and girls tend to get there earlier. It is a confusing time, having that power, figuring out what to do with it- esp if dad is not so willing to demonstrate positive interactions.

The good news is that research shows that statistically he should understand this dynamic by approx age 13. I saw a 12 yr old girl last week who is on the other end of the spectrum, her empathic response is so strong she can''t really function around other people as she feels any pain that is around her. Your son will develop a filter; he will learn the social code- he does not sound like a sociopath. Remember we are all still animals, boys demonstrate this in so many ways, sorting out their pecking order like a pride of lions. Of course being in polite society we have to adapt those behaviors and he is very normally going about doing just that.

For a 10yr old boy, he sounds terribly normal. The internal battle is complex, but you are spot on, seeing the other boy as a real person who has the same range of feelings as himself could be a powerful learning experience.

Hope that helps a smidge. Keep being a supportive Mom who does reinforce good and bad behaviors with appropriate responses and he will continue to develop normally.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Dec 16, 2007
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5,184
I am not a mother...but I have to say that the story you shared was awful. I am not saying your son is awful, but his behavior--kicking another child so hard he was bruised and swollen in the groin area that he was unable to attend school--is really bad.

I agree whole heartedly with everyone that between his fathers inconsist visits and your sons behavior, you should run not walk your son into therapy in order to help him release his feelings in a safe enviroment where he can use his feelings in a productive way...not in a violent outburst.

In the meantime, I would take his Play Station and cards away again--for an indefinate amount of time, no end in sight--send the message that kindness is an ongoing effort and not something that can be messured in days, or weeks or months. And I would also make him go to the boys house and apologize face to face...let him see that this kid, like himself, has a home and a family and isn't simply a playground target. Embarrassing at it will be for your son, sometimes that gets the message home loud and clear.

ETA: I would hold off on inviting the boy over for a play-date and pizza...if I were his mother, I'd never allow that, it would feel like sending your baby into a lions den--I'd possibly reconsider my stance on this, but not until a long time had passed and your son can be trusted to not hurt my own child.
 
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