Help me heal my broken heart

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/5/2010 8:43:54 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
luckystar - that was brilliant!

I agree. Great story, luckystar. I am curious though, does your DH know anything about the situation(s) you described? Just wondering!

Anon, I think you've gotten great points of views, and advice from everyone else in this thread. I think you really need to sit down and figure out whether or not this is a "grass is greener" thing, or if you really and truly wish to be with somebody different than your husband. You and your husband exchanged sacred vows at your wedding, and I don't think it's fair to continue on with your marriage if you are not prepared to honor those promises you made to him.

ETA: I would also like to add that I concur with the poster above who said that if you are choosing to stay with your husband, communication with "K" should be cut off.

 

[lightningbug]

Date: 5/5/2010 8:43:54 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
luckystar - that was brilliant!

I agree ~ fabulous post, both for Anon and for others, as well. Thanks so much for sharing your story!

 

[luckystar112]

Thanks for the compliments.

Date: 5/5/2010 12:17:18 PM
Author: lilyfoot

I agree. Great story, luckystar. I am curious though, does your DH know anything about the situation(s) you described? Just wondering!

ETA: I would also like to add that I concur with the poster above who said that if you are choosing to stay with your husband, communication with ''K'' should be cut off.

Yes, I agree...cut off communication. There really is no point in staying in touch. I learned that with M.

To answer your question, LF...DH does know about the friendship that M and shared over the years, but I''ve never told him just how head over heels I was for him. When DH and I ran into him, it was at a bar. I saw him as I walked in, and I made the decision that I was going to pretend that I didn''t see him. Of course, he saw ME, and came over to say hello. And of course, I was about 15 pounds heavier with no make-up on and my hair in a rattled ponytail. So internally I was thinking "Dammit...why can''t I look as good as him right now!". And then his fiance, who seemed really insecure (yet gorgeous), came over to talk to him and didn''t even introduce herself. I think they were fighting. Anyway, I''m sure the shock and awkwardness of it all was written all over my face, because DH later told me that it looked like I had seen a ghost. Plus, DH kept his distance and looked really uncomfortable...and he''s not at all a jealous guy.

I also didn''t tell DH about the dream I had, or my reaction to it. What would be the point? My dreams are always really intense like that...I once had a dream that my mother died and I cried about it for half of a day. lol. So, I knew it was just a fleeting reaction. But I''d be lying if I said in those first moments after waking up I wasn''t questioning my whole life. I think what contributed to it also, is that at that point in time DH was working like 15 hour days 6 days a week. I felt really lonely, depressed, and homesick. Seeing M in all of his glory made me wonder how my life would be different if I had stayed in Maine. But I knew at the same time that DH was working so hard for US, so that he could provide for us while I go to school. That we are a team. That all of my dreams would come true, and then some. I definitely could not say the same for M. With M, I never really felt like I "had" him, but the chase was exhilerating and he did just enough to keep me intrigued. I mourned losing the game, not him--I couldn''t even call him a "friend" at that point, we hadn''t talked in a couple of years. And we haven''t talked since. If I ever see him again there is no doubt that he will be tall, dark, handsome, and full of charm just like always, but that''s ALL he is. He can''t be "the one that got away" because I never had him. I just had a glorified idea of him. And I have no plans to try to contact him...life goes on. I''m completely happy where I am.

 

[Indylady]

Great post Luckystar.

 

[partgypsy]

I agree with luckystar. If it was meant to be, something more would have happened. At the very least this person seems not the best at communicating/reading people; you yourself said the whole time you were friends, nothing happened, and that you never thought he liked you that way. Either means he a) couldn''t tell you were infatuated with you and never made a move and b) you didn''t sense the same feeling from him. I think you should trust your first instinct. It really sounds like two fantasies colliding, if neither of you were motivated enough at the time when you could have done something about it (before you were married), let it lie now.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Your situation is like something I thought about several times - I wonder if it ever happens and what do you do when it does. I really have no advice for you other than I feel your pain .. and I feel for your fiance too. The grass is always greener on the other side. I once had the biggest crush on this guy for years .. he dated other girls and I dated other guys. One day - he totally freaked out on me when I started dating his friend and that is when I found out he had feelings for me. We ended up dating for a few months - I couldn''t stand him as a partner because he was way too posessive. We ended it and we are still amazing friends and it is better this way.

I think the forbidden love is appealing .. and we think about the what ifs. Isn''t it great if it is all just in one package?

I hate to say this but you really need to address your feelings. It is unfair to your fiance.

 

[partgypsy]

Charmy read closely -she has a husband. She found out he was "crushed" when she was engaged, but didn''t reconsider or back out of her engagment and got married. It was only after she found out he was engaged she got upset.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Wow, what a sad state of affairs. I feel extremely lucky that I married a man who had the qualities that float my boat AND is a kind, faithful guy. Sometimes people pick one or the other and then spend the rest of their lives wishing they had a man who is either racey and fun or faithful and hard working. I hung out with a guy who was a faithful and hard working type, but I NEVER took it to a dating level because I knew I would never be completely satisfied with him (he wasn''t fun and spontaneous, and I knew I had to have faithful AND fun)
I feel kinda bad for your DH because he isn''t your dream man, I''m sure you love him, but if he was your everything, you would have forgotten all about K. Sad but true! (Don''t fret over K either. When a guy likes you, HE will go to the ends of the earth to woo and get you. K did not! Toying with you by saying he was heartbroken when you got engaged, was nothing more than throwing out a carrot to keep you in his group of people that think he''s wonderful. It probably always stroked his ego that you liked him, so he would occasionally stoke the fire with an email to you, that worked to keep you distantly around.) My husband was slow with the proposal thing years ago, and I have ALWAYS been glad I didn''t move on to someone who wasn''t him, but ready to marry.
I hope you can find true happiness! Remember the movie "Legends of the Fall" where the girl married Tristen''s brother, but always wanted Tristen, who had gone away, then came back and married another girl? (Brad Pitt)? You will work this out in your own time in your own way. Venting to others is a great way to keep your sanity until you figure out how to make sense of your feelings.

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/25/2010 6:38:14 PM
Author: hearts-arrows_girl
Wow, what a sad state of affairs. I feel extremely lucky that I married a man who had the qualities that float my boat AND is a kind, faithful guy. Sometimes people pick one or the other and then spend the rest of their lives wishing they had a man who is either racey and fun or faithful and hard working. I hung out with a guy who was a faithful and hard working type, but I NEVER took it to a dating level because I knew I would never be completely satisfied with him (he wasn''t fun and spontaneous, and I knew I had to have faithful AND fun)

I feel kinda bad for your DH because he isn''t your dream man, I''m sure you love him, but if he was your everything, you would have forgotten all about K. Sad but true! (Don''t fret over K either. When a guy likes you, HE will go to the ends of the earth to woo and get you. K did not! Toying with you by saying he was heartbroken when you got engaged, was nothing more than throwing out a carrot to keep you in his group of people that think he''s wonderful. It probably always stroked his ego that you liked him, so he would occasionally stoke the fire with an email to you, that worked to keep you distantly around.) My husband was slow with the proposal thing years ago, and I have ALWAYS been glad I didn''t move on to someone who wasn''t him, but ready to marry.

I hope you can find true happiness! Remember the movie ''Legends of the Fall'' where the girl married Tristen''s brother, but always wanted Tristen, who had gone away, then came back and married another girl? (Brad Pitt)? You will work this out in your own time in your own way. Venting to others is a great way to keep your sanity until you figure out how to make sense of your feelings.

I am looking for a nice way to phrase this, but ... seriously? Don''t you think it''s a little mean to respond all "Wow, I am so glad *I* am happy!" when someone writes about a bad situation? Following it up with a reference to an astonishingly depressing movie that ends with the heroine''s suicide and a platitude is not exactly helpful, either.

People aren''t subject to the whims of fate. Know why not? IT DOESN''T EXIST. People have agency, and autonomy. To a certain extent, the OP can choose how to act, react, and even feel. The OP is choosing to love her husband and to confront her own issues. That''s to be admired, not fobbed off with the sentiment that if it was meant to be, it would have happened already. Good lord ....

 

[lilyfoot]

I guess some people have a perfect life

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it''s normal to be wistful about what could have been...but that''s all it should be, wistful. Most people, happy or otherwise, go back in their mind and often reflect on past relationships both good and bad...it''s natural and normal. But...

He''s getting married and you are married. What "could have been" could never be. You both chose, whether you believe that or not, to go your separate ways. If the feelings you had, or the feelings he had would have been so cripplingly intense, they would have been realized. But, they weren''t. And you went on to marry a fantastic man...

I think, at this point, it''s best if you totally and completely walk away. Change your e-mail, make your social network pages private, and cease all contact whatsoever. Frankly, keeping that door open--even a little--is doing you no good. There is no point to your communication, it''s just circles that complicated. I would support any friendship if it were productive...but this is detrimental to your well being and your happiness. It''s not okay for you to go into meltdown mode over him or any other man outside of your husband.

I would also strongly encourage you to seek personal counseling. You need to be able to freely and openly discuss these feelings you''re having about him in a safe and judgement free zone. Maybe it''s not even about "HIM" at all...but only time will tell...

I wish you the best and of course wish you comfort...this can''t be easy, and I hope you find peace with it all soon. Be well.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 5/26/2010 9:06:24 AM
Author: Circe

Date: 5/25/2010 6:38:14 PM
Author: hearts-arrows_girl
Wow, what a sad state of affairs. I feel extremely lucky that I married a man who had the qualities that float my boat AND is a kind, faithful guy. Sometimes people pick one or the other and then spend the rest of their lives wishing they had a man who is either racey and fun or faithful and hard working. I hung out with a guy who was a faithful and hard working type, but I NEVER took it to a dating level because I knew I would never be completely satisfied with him (he wasn''t fun and spontaneous, and I knew I had to have faithful AND fun)

I feel kinda bad for your DH because he isn''t your dream man, I''m sure you love him, but if he was your everything, you would have forgotten all about K. Sad but true! (Don''t fret over K either. When a guy likes you, HE will go to the ends of the earth to woo and get you. K did not! Toying with you by saying he was heartbroken when you got engaged, was nothing more than throwing out a carrot to keep you in his group of people that think he''s wonderful. It probably always stroked his ego that you liked him, so he would occasionally stoke the fire with an email to you, that worked to keep you distantly around.) My husband was slow with the proposal thing years ago, and I have ALWAYS been glad I didn''t move on to someone who wasn''t him, but ready to marry.

I hope you can find true happiness! Remember the movie ''Legends of the Fall'' where the girl married Tristen''s brother, but always wanted Tristen, who had gone away, then came back and married another girl? (Brad Pitt)? You will work this out in your own time in your own way. Venting to others is a great way to keep your sanity until you figure out how to make sense of your feelings.

I am looking for a nice way to phrase this, but ... seriously? Don''t you think it''s a little mean to respond all ''Wow, I am so glad *I* am happy!'' when someone writes about a bad situation? Following it up with a reference to an astonishingly depressing movie that ends with the heroine''s suicide and a platitude is not exactly helpful, either.

People aren''t subject to the whims of fate. Know why not? IT DOESN''T EXIST. People have agency, and autonomy. To a certain extent, the OP can choose how to act, react, and even feel. The OP is choosing to love her husband and to confront her own issues. That''s to be admired, not fobbed off with the sentiment that if it was meant to be, it would have happened already. Good lord ....

i don''t think she was out of line at all. she used this to point out things about herself. additionally, i don''t think there was anything mean intended.

again, its all about choices re how to act, react, and feel......choosing to read her post as negative or react negatively to it is also a choice.

its also a choice to post personal problems/situations. if one isn''t willing to take the good and the bad that comes as a result, then perhaps the personal problem/situation shouldn''t have been posted in the first place.

i also think other posters have been more pointed and critical of the situation than hearts. but then that is my choice for which i take responsibility.

mz

 

[House Cat]

I''m a believer in the fact that there are no mistakes. What that means in this situation is that if K really wanted to be with you, he would have been. The fact of the matter is, he didn''t make it happen. What this tells me is that he wasn''t really as into you as he''s portraying. Look, he''s engaged to be married to someone else! He made it happen with someone else. This is a clear indicator that he is capable of making such things happen.

You are where you are supposed to be, with a man who LOVES you and who WANTS to be with you. K didn''t want those things, plain and simple, or he would have made it happen.

What you are hanging on to is a fantasy. One thing I''ve learned about life is that fantasy is always better than reality. This guy K...sounds unavailable. I would imagine that he would have been unavailable a relationship too. Sounds like he wanted to be chased and men who want to be chased, need to be chased even in a relationship. How exhausting! Even now, he keeps contact with you. What''s the point, really?

Please put things into perspective. Understand you have a lovely life with a man where you don''t have to spend your time chasing love. A healthy move for you would be to cut contact with K now. He gets a good feeling from even the mild chase of a married woman. Quit giving him the ego boost. You have a life...you don''t need this.

 

[HVVS]

Anon123, what you have is a crush and an imaginary romance. Forget him, and concentrate on your marriage. My $10 says that you are "in love" with some romantic notion, and Mr. Email would NEVER measure up in real life. Some guys just want to have a fling before they marry. Some just crave attention. Stop being foolish, please. You are making yourself miserable. You can choose to ignore all of it and go on with your life. Has Mr. Email been crying over you? Doesn't sound like it. I think you read too much into his "broken heart" comment.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Circe, Why would you think my "Wow" was an upbeat little girl happy one. The unheard typed word is sometimes a tricky thing. My "Wow" was said in my head more like when you hear sad new and are feeling bad for someone. like... ("Wow, that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that") The "Legends of the Fall" comment was a reflection of MY life and MY possible romantic disaster.
My post was an innocent attempt to help, no more, no less. It's interesting how different things can be interpreted. And to the OP, if my post caused you any sadness... that was not my intent!

I appreciate your kind words Zombie

 

[Circe]

It wasn''t the "Wow" itself that rubbed me the wrong way: more the gist of the argument, which came across as the OP''s decision to work on her marriage being somehow less valid than an immediate and uncomplicated happiness. If I read that wrong, then, in turn, it''s my turn to apologize.

 

[VRBeauty]

Anon hasn''t posted to this thread in over three weeks. Perhaps we could just let it RIP?

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Date: 5/28/2010 8:04:09 PM
Author: Circe
It wasn't the 'Wow' itself that rubbed me the wrong way: more the gist of the argument, which came across as the OP's decision to work on her marriage being somehow less valid than an immediate and uncomplicated happiness. If I read that wrong, then, in turn, it's my turn to apologize.

Thank you! I actually loved what you said about working on her marriage. After I read that post by you, I went, hmmmm! great point! I guess sometimes my own baggage gets put into my posts!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 5/26/2010 2:39:17 PM
Author: House Cat
I''m a believer in the fact that there are no mistakes. What that means in this situation is that if K really wanted to be with you, he would have been. The fact of the matter is, he didn''t make it happen. What this tells me is that he wasn''t really as into you as he''s portraying. Look, he''s engaged to be married to someone else! He made it happen with someone else. This is a clear indicator that he is capable of making such things happen.

You are where you are supposed to be, with a man who LOVES you and who WANTS to be with you. K didn''t want those things, plain and simple, or he would have made it happen.

What you are hanging on to is a fantasy. One thing I''ve learned about life is that fantasy is always better than reality. This guy K...sounds unavailable. I would imagine that he would have been unavailable a relationship too. Sounds like he wanted to be chased and men who want to be chased, need to be chased even in a relationship. How exhausting! Even now, he keeps contact with you. What''s the point, really?

Please put things into perspective. Understand you have a lovely life with a man where you don''t have to spend your time chasing love. A healthy move for you would be to cut contact with K now. He gets a good feeling from even the mild chase of a married woman. Quit giving him the ego boost. You have a life...you don''t need this.

Call me crazy, but I''m guessing the contact is more about stroking his OWN ego (oh, she''s still into me - yeah!) than anything else.

 

[HollyS]

You''re living in a fantasy world when you think of K. YOU NEVER HAD A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. He never even told you he felt anything romantic for you until someone else had you. Think about this very carefully . . . until SOMEONE ELSE, not HIM, decided that they loved you and wanted to take those ''vows of forever'' with you, HE didn''t say anything to make you believe HE loved you.

Guess what? HE doesn''t love you. He played you. He wanted you to want him. He still wants you to feel tied to him, which is why he wants you to be there. It''s an ''in your face'', ''look what you''re missing'', passive agressive move on his part.

Now, go home and love your husband. And RSVP as a no. And stop emailing.

It''s over because it never was.

 

[iota15]

Here''s my take: If he was truly into you, you would know.

You saw and talked to this guy All the time, and despite the breaks, you communicated again for a looong time. You did not miss anything. There should have been Some hints, somewhere along the line. And you never saw anything... and I''m sure you looked.

For this guy though, the same applies. I am Sure he knows how you felt/feel about him. You must have provided some hints, somewhere along the line (even if it was just the way you perked up on the phone after you heard his voice). This guy decided not to do anything about it... for years. I think he loved being your fantasy (as well as your friend). I don''t think anything more would have come from it, or as the other girls suggested, it would have.

I''m sure you''re feeling a lot better already. Early in my relationship with a bf, I had intense pain thinking about an abusive ex after spotting him somewhere. Despite the abuse, I had strong feelings for him - disturbing to me on all fronts. But, I felt it, cried... and it came up a few more times, but each with less intensity, and eventually, nothing... nada. I could sit across a room from ex and... nothing, which is just what it should be. It''s easier when you realize - you and him - just could never be, for whatever reason... and it''s really the chase that produces those strong feelings, even if you never actually want to catch that object.