Help me heal my broken heart

[Anon123]

I met K years ago when we were interns. He and I became good friends almost immediately. I developed a crush on him which later turned into an emotional attachment. When he wasn''t at work, I felt miserable. When he called me at home, my heart would jump. When he talked about other girls he was dating, I got insanely jealous.

I did all of these things without his knowledge because at the time I was dating someone and I honestly never thought he was into me. I figured that if he was, he would show it in some way. (i.e. He''s just not that into you)

He moved out of state and I stood with my then boyfriend. When K moved, I moved on to another job and he found my work email address from a mutual friend. He contacted me and, even though it was probably a year after I had last seen him, my heart was filled with joy. We chatted via email every day for 2 years. I could feel those same feelings I was having for him but knew he didn''t feel the same way for me.

Then my boyfriend proposes. I loved him and I said yes. I can''t explain the feeling. I loved them both, but my boyfriend was here in front of me and we were building a life together. But I always knew deep down that I loved K so much more. The emotional connection I feel for him is something that I''ve never felt for anyone.

When I told K I was engaged, he told me his heart was broken. I couldn''t believe it. He had never said anything to indicate that he was interested in me in any way other than as a friend. We talked. I confessed how I felt about him in the past but didn''t say that I still felt the same way because it felt wrong too while wearing the engagement ring of another man that has loved me for a very long time.

Our conversations stopped pretty much immediately after that last email. We have sent each other random emails here and there just catching up with each other. His last email was to tell me that he is now engaged. I didn''t feel jealousy so I thought I was finally over him and it made me happy because I am now married and I want my life with my husband.

Today K sent me another one of his random emails to catch up. In it he said:

If I get married in (City) would you come? It would probably be next year, in February, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.

It has been 3 hours since I have received this email and cannot stop crying. I''m not going to respond. It''s obvious I cannot attend his wedding when I feel this way. And I can''t tell him why I won''t attend because that''s not fair to him.

I guess I''m just venting. But how do I move on from this? How do I go to my beautiful home that I built with my loving husband who has been an absolute wonderful person to me and sleep next to him that night knowing that I''ve spent a good portion of my day crying over the loss of someone I never had?

 

[honey22]

I don''t mean to sound harsh so I hope this doesn''t come out that way. But have you heard the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side?

Only you can decide if this man is really the one for you. And you still have the chance to find out. But what about your husband? The man you took your vows with? If you left your husband and got together with the other man, would that make you happy? What about if you left your husband and it didn''t work out with the other man, would it have been worth it? I am not being sarcastic, these are genuine questions only you can answer.

I have always believed in following your heart. But you may just have the man of your dreams right there in front of you.

Good luck.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 5/4/2010 12:34:39 PM
Author:Anon123
I met K years ago when we were interns. He and I became good friends almost immediately. I developed a crush on him which later turned into an emotional attachment. When he wasn''t at work, I felt miserable. When he called me at home, my heart would jump. When he talked about other girls he was dating, I got insanely jealous.

I did all of these things without his knowledge because at the time I was dating someone and I honestly never thought he was into me. I figured that if he was, he would show it in some way. (i.e. He''s just not that into you)

He moved out of state and I stood with my then boyfriend. When K moved, I moved on to another job and he found my work email address from a mutual friend. He contacted me and, even though it was probably a year after I had last seen him, my heart was filled with joy. We chatted via email every day for 2 years. I could feel those same feelings I was having for him but knew he didn''t feel the same way for me.

Then my boyfriend proposes. I loved him and I said yes. I can''t explain the feeling. I loved them both, but my boyfriend was here in front of me and we were building a life together. But I always knew deep down that I loved K so much more. The emotional connection I feel for him is something that I''ve never felt for anyone.

When I told K I was engaged, he told me his heart was broken. I couldn''t believe it. He had never said anything to indicate that he was interested in me in any way other than as a friend. We talked. I confessed how I felt about him in the past but didn''t say that I still felt the same way because it felt wrong too while wearing the engagement ring of another man that has loved me for a very long time.

Our conversations stopped pretty much immediately after that last email. We have sent each other random emails here and there just catching up with each other. His last email was to tell me that he is now engaged. I didn''t feel jealousy so I thought I was finally over him and it made me happy because I am now married and I want my life with my husband.

Today K sent me another one of his random emails to catch up. In it he said:

If I get married in (City) would you come? It would probably be next year, in February, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.

It has been 3 hours since I have received this email and cannot stop crying. I''m not going to respond. It''s obvious I cannot attend his wedding when I feel this way. And I can''t tell him why I won''t attend because that''s not fair to him.

I guess I''m just venting. But how do I move on from this? How do I go to my beautiful home that I built with my loving husband who has been an absolute wonderful person to me and sleep next to him that night knowing that I''ve spent a good portion of my day crying over the loss of someone I never had?

This guy is playing with your brain.

LS

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Therapy. NOW, before you''re married. Start with individual sessions and maybe even consider couples therapy prior to the wedding. I don''t think this is a case of you settling for your fiance. I think this is a case of you being inappropriately attached to this guy.

 

[Lula]

It's completely normal to feel sad about a "road not taken" in life, which, by the way you're describing K, seems to be what's making you feel so sad.

Your feelings for K are real, but you are no longer the person you were when you fell so hard for K so many years ago. You've grown and changed, and so has K. So you may be mourning the passing of that time in your life, when you were interns, and all that represented to you, including your relationship with K.

It is possible to feel a deep emotional connection to a person, but because life takes you on a different course, those feelings never materialize into a full blown romantic relationship. That's just part of life -- we all make choices, and it is normal to feel a tinge of sadness for a choice we didn't make. Sort of a "what if" feeling.

Perhaps what will help you move on is to realize that "what if" is a fantasy world, where we'd all like to live sometimes. And because you and K never had a chance to see if you were compatible as romantic partners, you really can't say for sure if he would have remained the love of your life in reality.

I think K sees you as a wonderful friend -- nothing wrong with that. What you need to decide is if you can accept him in your life as a friend, or if it would be better to just move on without him. Cut all ties. No one can answer that but you.

Perhaps if you spend some time writing in a gratitude journal, or spend some time each day recommitting yourself mentally to your husband and your marriage, that would help you move on -- because your very real marriage holds more potential for long term happiness in life than any "what if" fantasy ever can.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts. Most of us who have made it to their 50s have had some sort of experience like this, and my advice as an "elder" is honor your feelings and your hurt, but don't allow your feelings to cloud your judgment. Rash actions are not wise actions.

ETA: Oh, I read your post wrong! You are not married yet. Ditto what hudsonhawk said -- therapy now. Don't wait.

 

[Anon123]

I think in trying to get the post out quickly (which turned into a novel, sorry) I didn''t explain myself well or it was too confusing.

I am married.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Oh okay. Your marital status doesn''t really change my advice. Seek help from a professional counselor ASAP to help you work through this all.

 

[Lula]

Date: 5/4/2010 1:10:43 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Oh okay. Your marital status doesn''t really change my advice. Seek help from a professional counselor ASAP to help you work through this all.

Ditto.

 

[Circe]

Oh, honey. That is a tough situation to be in, and my heart aches for you.

You say you want your life with your husband. If that''s the end of the story, then grit your teeth, book an appointment with a therapist to work these feelings out like HH said, and to figure out where this attachment comes from. Is it, as Sara P. suggests, a case of the road not taken? Could it relate to anything else in your past or life? Or, alternately, ask yourself if, knowing how you feel ... can you really stay in your marriage and give your husband your undivided love? Is the choice to stay or go contingent upon K''s feelings? Or can you make the decision purely in the context of your own feelings?

I''ve had a fairly tumultuous love life: I''ve fallen in love with unavailable people, and I''ve been similarly fallen in love with (what an awkward construction that is, to reflect what is inevitably, to put it mildly, an awkward situation). I''ve never cheated, though, and I wouldn''t countenance or suggest ... exploring ... any of this while in a relationship. However, if the bottom line is that you decide that there is a greater happiness out there and you want to pursue it ...

The only thing I can say is that you have to be true to your feelings: you have to be honest with yourself, so that you can be honest with the people in your life. I hope this helps, and if you want to talk your feelings through on this thread, I (undoubtedly "we," knowing the PS community) will be there for you ....

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 5/4/2010 12:34:39 PM
Author:Anon123
I met K years ago when we were interns. He and I became good friends almost immediately. I developed a crush on him which later turned into an emotional attachment. When he wasn''t at work, I felt miserable. When he called me at home, my heart would jump. When he talked about other girls he was dating, I got insanely jealous.

I did all of these things without his knowledge because at the time I was dating someone and I honestly never thought he was into me. I figured that if he was, he would show it in some way. (i.e. He''s just not that into you)

He moved out of state and I stood with my then boyfriend. When K moved, I moved on to another job and he found my work email address from a mutual friend. He contacted me and, even though it was probably a year after I had last seen him, my heart was filled with joy. We chatted via email every day for 2 years. I could feel those same feelings I was having for him but knew he didn''t feel the same way for me.

Then my boyfriend proposes. I loved him and I said yes. I can''t explain the feeling. I loved them both, but my boyfriend was here in front of me and we were building a life together. But I always knew deep down that I loved K so much more. The emotional connection I feel for him is something that I''ve never felt for anyone.

When I told K I was engaged, he told me his heart was broken. I couldn''t believe it. He had never said anything to indicate that he was interested in me in any way other than as a friend. We talked. I confessed how I felt about him in the past but didn''t say that I still felt the same way because it felt wrong too while wearing the engagement ring of another man that has loved me for a very long time.

Our conversations stopped pretty much immediately after that last email. We have sent each other random emails here and there just catching up with each other. His last email was to tell me that he is now engaged. I didn''t feel jealousy so I thought I was finally over him and it made me happy because I am now married and I want my life with my husband.

Today K sent me another one of his random emails to catch up. In it he said:

If I get married in (City) would you come? It would probably be next year, in February, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.

It has been 3 hours since I have received this email and cannot stop crying. I''m not going to respond. It''s obvious I cannot attend his wedding when I feel this way. And I can''t tell him why I won''t attend because that''s not fair to him.

I guess I''m just venting. But how do I move on from this? How do I go to my beautiful home that I built with my loving husband who has been an absolute wonderful person to me and sleep next to him that night knowing that I''ve spent a good portion of my day crying over the loss of someone I never had?

forgive me for being rude, but this is your first post at pricescope? or are you perhaps a pricescoper who has created an alternate idenity in order to make this post?

either way, if you really do love your husband and want the life you have with him, then its simple: do not respond to this message other than to say "congrats on your pending marriage. please do not contact me again. i am happily married and enjoying my life. i am not interested in a friendship with you and this will be my last communication with you. again, do not contact me again."

and get yourself to a counselor ASAP! this can spill over into your relationship with your husband and destroy that life you say you value.

mz

ps you cannot afford to be friends with this man given your emotional response at this time. you may always have a "special" place for him and the "road not traveled". but crying for 3 hours and not knowing how to be with your husband is not the signs of merely having a "special place for the road not traveled".

 

[CurlySue]

I don''t want to jump to any conclusions or make assumptions, so... I''m hoping you''ll answer a some questions. I apologize if I''m prying a bit too much.

How often have you been corresponding just to "catch up"? A few times a year? Once a month? Once a week?

Before this announcement about the engagement, did he disclose he was in a relationship with someone else?

Prior to the engagement announcement, how often would you find yourself thinking about K? Every few months? Weekly? Daily?

 

[Sizzle]

Date: 5/4/2010 12:34:39 PM
Author:Anon123
I met K years ago when we were interns. He and I became good friends almost immediately. I developed a crush on him which later turned into an emotional attachment. When he wasn''t at work, I felt miserable. When he called me at home, my heart would jump. When he talked about other girls he was dating, I got insanely jealous.

I did all of these things without his knowledge because at the time I was dating someone and I honestly never thought he was into me. I figured that if he was, he would show it in some way. (i.e. He''s just not that into you)

He moved out of state and I stood with my then boyfriend. When K moved, I moved on to another job and he found my work email address from a mutual friend. He contacted me and, even though it was probably a year after I had last seen him, my heart was filled with joy. We chatted via email every day for 2 years. I could feel those same feelings I was having for him but knew he didn''t feel the same way for me.

Then my boyfriend proposes. I loved him and I said yes. I can''t explain the feeling. I loved them both, but my boyfriend was here in front of me and we were building a life together. But I always knew deep down that I loved K so much more. The emotional connection I feel for him is something that I''ve never felt for anyone.

When I told K I was engaged, he told me his heart was broken. I couldn''t believe it. He had never said anything to indicate that he was interested in me in any way other than as a friend. We talked. I confessed how I felt about him in the past but didn''t say that I still felt the same way because it felt wrong too while wearing the engagement ring of another man that has loved me for a very long time.

Our conversations stopped pretty much immediately after that last email. We have sent each other random emails here and there just catching up with each other. His last email was to tell me that he is now engaged. I didn''t feel jealousy so I thought I was finally over him and it made me happy because I am now married and I want my life with my husband.

Today K sent me another one of his random emails to catch up. In it he said:

If I get married in (City) would you come? It would probably be next year, in February, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.

It has been 3 hours since I have received this email and cannot stop crying. I''m not going to respond. It''s obvious I cannot attend his wedding when I feel this way. And I can''t tell him why I won''t attend because that''s not fair to him.

I guess I''m just venting. But how do I move on from this? How do I go to my beautiful home that I built with my loving husband who has been an absolute wonderful person to me and sleep next to him that night knowing that I''ve spent a good portion of my day crying over the loss of someone I never had?

WOW, this is unfortunate that you are in such a state of emotional turmoil. You said, in your title, that you wanted healing, and I think you should seek just that. Healing often comes from within, so perhaps you should ask yourself some questions . First, what is missing in your current life/relationship/self esteem, that your heart becomes "filled with joy" when a man from the past contacts you?

You said he sent you an email saying he is engaged, so perhaps you should ask youself. Why is a man, who told you he had feelings for you KNOWING you were married continuing to contact you? Why is a man, who is planning his future with someoene else, worried about whether or not you would want to attend his wedding? Who would he introduce you as and who would you tell your husband he is? How comfortable would you feel in that situation?

Why are you so emotional over the prospect of him getting married? Would you leave your husband for this man? Would he leave his fiance for you? How woulld you feel if that is what you based a new relationship on?


Those are just some things to think about. I am not here to judge you and I don''t believe anyone is qualitifed to do so. Several have suggested therapy for you and couples therapy for you and your husband. Those are good suggestions if you should feel so inclined. That being said, if you want to continue to stay married, you might need to reevaluate the contact that you''re having with the other man.

 

[luckynumber]

i have no better advice than what you have had here already.

have a hug.

really horrible situation to be in, i feel for you.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Aww, Anon123, it's surprisingly reasonable for you to find yourself upset. Don't beat yourself up for crying today. And if what you wrote in your post is a pretty accurate summary, you probably don't have to run to a shrink's sofa for years of treatment or anything.

It simply sounds like he was your "Plan B".




Let me provide an excerpt from and interesting article about the phenomenon which appeared a few years' back in the mass psychology mag "Psychology Today":
"Neanderthink: Love's Plan B
We all seek a roster of backup romantic possibilities, says Nando Pelusi, Ph.D. Consider it nature's form of love insurance.
By Nando Pelusi, published on July 01, 2008 - last reviewed on September 02, 2008

... Although we may love our exclusive partner, we can still think about other romantic possibilities—people we keep in a mental box that might as well be labeled "Open in case of current relationship's demise." No matter how content we are, we still seek a sense of security by creating a web of potential future romantic alliances... The quest for an alternate partner is a natural, widely used strategy, no matter how loath we are to admit it. Joshua Duntley, an assistant professor of psychology at Stockton College in New Jersey, uses the term "backup mates" to describe the Plan B partners. Duntley has surveyed college students on their tendency to keenly monitor the availability and social circumstances of other potential paramours.

In a presentation at the Human Behavior and Evolutionary Psychology Conference, Duntley argued that backup partners are not merely short-term mates—someone with whom to have a fling. The backup mate is in a separate category: a man or woman who is viable as a serious partner in his or her own right. Men reported getting more upset when a desirable backup mate found another partner than when a short-term mate did so...."



Anyhow, here's a link to the article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200807/neanderthink-loves-plan-b . If it at all rings true to you, it's perfectly reasonable to have a sloppy --if slightly embarrassing-- afternoon of grieving the demise of your Plan B, you know. And then not only will you feel better in a couple of days, but you might actually be totally okay with the whole shebang shortly after that. What you're feeling now is not that uncommon. Seriously!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Most of us have had the experience of trying to get over someone that you once loved. I would leave it in the past. It''s okay to feel the loss again briefly, but I would try not to dwell on it. If it had been right for you and K,
chances are it would have worked out the first time. Since there was a bridge that the two of you were not able to cross at the time, it''s time to let it all go. You are married, you are building a life with your husband. You really
have to let it go. If you would feel better not going to his wedding, just say no. It is not an obligation and if it would make you feel like you missed something, it would be better not to go.

You made a committment to the man you married, this is where the ''rubber meets the road''. You have to decide if you meant it, and then what are you going to do to protect it. Some things are better left in the past, and this
sounds like one of them.

 

[LGK]

I think every relationship goes through some tough tests- sometimes pretty early on. The good thing is, if you get through this with your marriage intact, even if your husband never knows what went down, you will have a stronger relationship and commitment to him.

I think that a lot of the emotions you''re going through over K are... not so much about him? More like maybe you''re mourning the loss of other options in life. It is kind of a jarring thing, sometimes, realizing "Oh wow. This is it- for *good*" No matter how much you love your spouse, realizing you''ve made a fairly huge commitment to one person for what you''re planning to be the rest of your lives- well, as much as it''s purported to be a lovely wonderful positive thing, i think there''s always a part of you that mourns the fact that your life is a lot different all of a sudden. I am kinda wondering if that''s what your tears over K are about- not so much the guy himself, but the loss of options and/or having to be totally adult about stuff.

I could just be making no sense here, but I had a vaguely similar experience- with a bit less angst on my part, because I *had* dated the other guy, J. He followed me out to Washington from Colorado, when I was about 20 and living with my husband-to-be, but not married. J wanted me to get together with him "just as friends". I told him sorry, but we were never friends, and to please not ever call again. Despite the fact that I knew what I had now was a zillion times better than anything I''d ever had with J, I still felt something rather painful when I hung up with him. And it was more a "oh god, this really is a big decision" sort of thing, rather than truly regretting anything. Endings hurt a bit I guess.

Good luck. I hope it gets easier. I would maybe try to write about it in a journal or something if I were you, to try to sort out what''s going on. I think the best thing you can do is not contact K anymore, for sure.

 

[IdLikeToBuyAVal]

Anon - Maybe you don't love K...maybe you are in love with the IDEA of K as an alternative to your current relationship. Please hear me out...

We all want that amazing swept off our feet attraction/romance, but that rarely is accompanied by the cold harsh reality of loading the dishwasher and doing your husband's laundry and washing the bristles off the sink when he shaves...You obviously love your hubby but maybe you do just have a case of the grass appearing to be greener when you're really content where you are.

IMO if you have a good thing going with a husband who loves you, don't give that up for some long distance, long shot romance with someone who is also romantically entangled with someone else.

ETA I also think it's pretty apparent that out of respect for your husband and your current relationship, you should NOT continue or pursue a friendship with K. You're just asking for trouble at that point.

 

[Indylady]

I agree with HH; please seek therapy.

I don''t think you loved K. I don''t know if you ever really knew him. I think you lived with an image of K in your mind, and idealized your time together and chats through email. I''d call it an infatuation, and that''s it.

If he loved you, he would have come after you, plain and simple.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

It is okmto mourn what you have lost, but is that what this is?
I have a different take from the others here. Is this a grass greener or do you really think you would be happier with K and he with you?
Are you willing to throw away your current life for the uncertanaty of following him and he for you?

If the answer is yes, maybe you should. I am all for commitment, and I REALLY don''t think you should have your cake and eat it to (an affair) but for me, a marriage is something meant to bring the 2 people in it optimal happiness. If your husband can''t do that, maybe you should leave. If I were in your DH''s shoes, I would be heartbroken, but it is better than spending my life with someone who doesn''t love me as much as I deserve and keeping me from someone who would.

 

[charbie]

Date: 5/4/2010 7:19:08 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
It is okmto mourn what you have lost, but is that what this is?

I have a different take from the others here. Is this a grass greener or do you really think you would be happier with K and he with you?

Are you willing to throw away your current life for the uncertanaty of following him and he for you?


If the answer is yes, maybe you should. I am all for commitment, and I REALLY don''t think you should have your cake and eat it to (an affair) but for me, a marriage is something meant to bring the 2 people in it optimal happiness. If your husband can''t do that, maybe you should leave. If I were in your DH''s shoes, I would be heartbroken, but it is better than spending my life with someone who doesn''t love me as much as I deserve and keeping me from someone who would.

Ditto. You said what I wanted to.

This sounds like a movie to me.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/4/2010 4:50:07 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
Anyhow, here''s a link to the article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200807/neanderthink-loves-plan-b . If it at all rings true to you, it''s perfectly reasonable to have a sloppy --if slightly embarrassing-- afternoon of grieving the demise of your Plan B, you know. And then not only will you feel better in a couple of days, but you might actually be totally okay with the whole shebang shortly after that. What you''re feeling now is not that uncommon. Seriously!

I agree with this - and also it''s possible you were his plan B... for whatever reason neither of you took it to the next step and it never occurred to you that you shouldn''t marry your husband... he IS your plan A guy You had many times you could have taken another road... you could have ended your engagement, you could have fessed up how you felt... but you did none of those things because as much as you yearned to travel down that road and see where it would lead you, you wanted your FEET to be on the road you''re on now much, much more.

 

[sparklyheart]

Maybe I have a fairy-tale view of love but I feel like the guy who truly wants to be with you will show you that. K never pursued you.. Heck, he moved AWAY from you even if it had nothing to do with you. I think he is playing with your head because you have always been there.. you have always been his friend who he no doubt cares about.. but is he so in love with you that he would give up everything and that you should give up everything? No, not from what you have said.

 

[perry]

Anon:

It is quite possible to love more than one person. There is nothing wrong with that.

Within this society, you do have to chose which person will be your spouse - and which people you will love - but have a definite cut off with.

I do understand your situation - it is perfectly normal; and quite acceptable to feel emotional at this time.

I do not agree that you necessarily need marriage counseling; but you may. Give it a week or so - if it still really bothers you then I''d look into counseling.

I would hope that you have a husband who understands life - and that you can discuss this issue with him.

I also believe that in the end - you should let this other person know why you will not be attending his wedding. But you have plenty of time for that. I do hope you can wish him the best and a fantastic live with his bride to be.

Have a great day,

Perry

 

[Bunny007]

(( Hugs )) Your feelings sound perfectly human to me. I hope they pass.

 

[VRBeauty]

From what you''ve written, I tend to think you''re in love with the fantasy of what might be with K. That''s not to say that he isn''t a perfectly wonderful guy, but the fact is that you''ve both known each other for years, and flirted with the idea of being a couple, without having had the kind of interactions or discussions that might have ended with the two of you engaged to each other rather than two other people. That tells me that for some reason the two of you aren''t able to communicate easily about the things that really matter. No matter how strong the attraction, it''s that ability to communicate that will get you through the tough times. But... I''ll admit that my take on this is influenced by my own experiences.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 5/4/2010 9:34:42 PM
Author: perry
Anon:



I would hope that you have a husband who understands life - and that you can discuss this issue with him.

???
I have been successfully and happily married to my husband for 20 years. I understand life. If my husband came to me to discuss his heartbreak over the fact that a woman he once felt a strong connection to was getting married I would pack up and leave until he got his head straight. Partly because his heartbreak would be completely inappropriate, to put it mildly, but mostly because he selfishly decided to vent his irrational feelings to ME.

Anon, I hope you don''t take this advice! This is on you, not your husband. Yes, spouses need to be there for emotional support -- but not when doing so is at the expense of their own emotional well-being. Then again, if your husband is anything like Perry I could be totally wrong. But in my opinion, as someone who "understands life," Perry is the exception not the rule!

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/4/2010 7:19:08 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
If I were in your DH''s shoes, I would be heartbroken, but it is better than spending my life with someone who doesn''t love me as much as I deserve and keeping me from someone who would.

I do agree with this as well.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 5/4/2010 10:36:08 PM
Author: Maria D


???
I have been successfully and happily married to my husband for 20 years. I understand life. If my husband came to me to discuss his heartbreak over the fact that a woman he once felt a strong connection to was getting married I would pack up and leave until he got his head straight. Partly because his heartbreak would be completely inappropriate, to put it mildly, but mostly because he selfishly decided to vent his irrational feelings to ME.

Anon, I hope you don''t take this advice! This is on you, not your husband. Yes, spouses need to be there for emotional support -- but not when doing so is at the expense of their own emotional well-being. Then again, if your husband is anything like Perry I could be totally wrong. But in my opinion, as someone who ''understands life,'' Perry is the exception not the rule!

exactly.



mz

 

[luckystar112]

Anon, I''m willing to be that you''ll be over it faster than you think.
I''ve sort of been there, and I''m comfortable sharing my story with you (and everyone else...lol) because I know I am 100% where I want to be, and with who I am supposed to be WITH.
In high school I was friends with a guy, I''ll call him M, who was a couple of years older than me and lived in a different town. He was my exact "type", tall, dark, handsome, full of charm, and we shared so many common interests from movies to music. I had it for him bad. Real bad. But we never took it past that "friend" level because either he was dating someone, or I was, or we had lost touch, whatever. It was always this sort of unspoken thing that "should things be different" we''d give it a go. Anyway, I eventually moved 2000 miles away. I compared every guy I dated to him. I didn''t think that I would ever have the same chemistry I had with him (and to be completely honest, I haven''t experienced anything like it since, even with DH). As time went on we would talk here and there through email or IM. And if I was in town for the holidays we would meet up. One year, M and I had a short fling. Nothing ever came of it.

I met DH very soon after, and eventually it was time to go up for the holidays again. M had started dating someone as well. We were originally going to meet up, but he blew me off. He later told me it was because he was afraid that he would do something to hurt his relationship with his girlfriend. We sort of cut off contact after that. A few years went by, I got married, and then when DH and I were in my hometown I just so happened to run into M. He came over to say hello, looking fantastic, and I met his fiance. At that moment my stomach leaped into my throat. I felt a jealousy that I didn''t know was possible. It was silly. I was married! To a man that I love! To a man that would be devastated if he knew what I was thinking. But my heart was broken. Crushed. A few months later I had a dream that M and I were together and I woke up in a panic. I almost emailed him. No lie. I felt like I had to tell him my feelings about everything, just so I could say that I did it--so that I could feel like there really was NO chance. I knew there was no chance anyway, because I would never leave my DH. But it was like that closure was missing. I never ended up emailing him....thank goodness. Over the course of the day, as the intensity of the dream wore off, I snapped out of it. I think that will happen with you.

It also helped that when I REALLY thought about things, I knew that it was just never meant to be. The first time there was a chance that he and I were going to be together (when I was in high school), I had gone to a party and saw him holding another girl''s hand. I was shocked, since we had basically been casually dating. Then, after our short fling, I almost moved home. No kidding. I was so happy to have finally "gotten" him that I was making arrangements to move. I didn''t end up doing it because he sent me an email telling me that he was getting back together with his ex. It was only AFTER I thought about these things that I was like DUH!!!! He liked having me around when he wasn''t with someone. He took it to the next level (fling) because he knew I''d be leaving at the end of the week. There was never an "us". If he wanted to be with me, he had a million chances to make it happen. In a way it''s kind of like what others are saying in this thread. The chemistry may have been intense, but if he wanted to be with you he would have found a way TO be with you. Maybe, like my guy, when you talk to him (and it should be known that I have not talked to M in a couple of years at this point) his charm and the memories that you shared, and the happiness that you experienced in that part of your life, come flooding back. But it''s not real. It can''t be real because he''s there and you are here. God isn''t that cruel. And when I said that I haven''t experienced that kind of chemistry with my DH, I know that doesn''t mean that we aren''t supposed to be together. All it means is that my DH was less of a challenge. There was no "I wonder?" with him. He didn''t throw charm my way yet stay just out of arm''s reach like M did. DH never left me wondering if "maybe" something more was there, he gave me all of himself and then some. I do sometimes wonder what would have become of M and me had we actually made it official, but it''s the past. With DH I am right where I want to be. I more than just "love" him. And it''s more than just lust. It''s a level of respect, comfort, and friendship that I doubt would be possible with M, especially at this point in my life.

Anyway, my point is that it sucks to wonder "what if", but the feelings you are describing will go away. It wouldn''t surprise me if you''ve already snapped out of it. I totally understand how you can mourn for something that you never had, yet at the same time be happy right where you are.

 

[Cehrabehra]

luckystar - that was brilliant!