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Discussion in 'Ladies in Waiting' started by katkat, Apr 5, 2009.

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  1. katkat
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    by katkat » Apr 5, 2009
    I am a long time lurker but today I cannot help but to post. I have been with a man for seven years,we both made many mistakes. We both matured and it is now a wonderful relationship. He understood he had a timeline to work with and today was the day. He was making it sound like he was ready ..that he woudn''t let me down. At the last minute he asked me to move in with him instead. He called it...moving forward towards engagement within several months. Said he loved me,didn''t want to lose me. Wants to have a family. Said that living together would give us the opportunity to work the details out. I called it a stall tactic and said it wasn''t enough. I told him I loved him and then ended it. He then panicked and said..."I need to reconsider" He was stunned by how firm I was. He asked if he could call me and I said no. He asked me to think about it(moving in) and I said no. Told him all there was to say is Goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But it''s done.

    I swear it feels like I was on the Bachelor and I am the stunned "led on" bachelorette who gets in the car and drives away.

    I know all I have left to do is be strong. My God, please tell me I did the right thing.
     
    


    


  2. lulu
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    by lulu » Apr 5, 2009
    You are a courageous, strong woman. You did what you had to do. Stick to your guns.
     
  3. icekid
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    by icekid » Apr 5, 2009
    katkat- No one here is going to tell you this is an easy decision! However, it sounds like you are being true to yourself and your own desires for your relationship. He, on the other hand, was misleading you. Given that your goals do not match his at the moment, I would say you made the right decision.

    HUGS... we are here to listen, if/when needed. Stay strong!
     
  4. caribqueen
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    by caribqueen » Apr 5, 2009
    I'm thinking, you're the only person who can answer that question as to whether you did the right thing. I have never been in that situation, but I do think that if you two openly agreed on a timeline and he did not keep to it without a good reason, then that's a bad sign. I personally decided I would not move in with a guy unless we were engaged or married. That's just me, so in my opinion I'd say you did the right thing as to not moving in with him. In your post it also sounds like the moving in offer from him was just a last ditch effort to throw you a bone to keep you hanging on.

    I wonder what his response was when you ended the relationship. Did he just leave it at that and watch you walk away? Did he vow to reconsider on his end or even give you reasons why he needed a few more months? What does he think will change in that time? There are some men who want to try out the living together situation first before they go to the next level but 7 years? You should know by now. Moving in together, especially at this stage, I don't think would really make a difference. In my humble opinion he was definitely trying to stalll.

    You said you guys had been together for 7 seven years but no details about what you guys have been through so I can't speak from an informed standpoint on the breaking up part. I know that you have to remain strong and know what you deserve and how you deserve to be treated. If you're not getting that, then it's always time to reconsider the relationship.
     
    


    


  5. Treasure43
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    by Treasure43 » Apr 5, 2009
    Honestly it sounds like you did what you had to do and stayed strong. That''s a very hard thing to do and I commend you on your ability to stay true to yourself. You WILL find someone who will do anything in his power to marry you. As someone said earlier tonight on a different post "men are black and white". Meaning if a man wants to marry you he will find a way to do so and will be unstoppable. Good for you for not settling for less than you deserve!
     
  6. ilovesparkles
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    by ilovesparkles » Apr 5, 2009
    Like the other ladies have said, you did what you needed to do, and you know in your heart or hearts whether or not you acted appropriately. Without background it is impossible for any of us to tell you differently. I would search for old threads by Blueroses. She went through something like this, went through couples counseling and everything. It might give you some insight. Stay strong and true to yourself. ((((((HUGS)))))
     
  7. DivaDiamond007
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    by DivaDiamond007 » Apr 5, 2009
    Katkat - Welcome to PS, although I''m sorry it''s under some pretty sad terms. In my opinion, I think that you did the right thing. Seven years is plenty of time to know if you want to marry somebody. I personally feel that when a guy wants to marry you he does - without making excuses. No need for a big ring or a fancy wedding. I am sure that you will find plenty of support here on PS and I wish you the best for your future.
     
  8. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Apr 5, 2009
    Awwww....seems like so many ladies are going through similar situations right now.

    I also think you did the right thing. I don''t think he took your timeline seriously. Sucks for him.

    I''d suggest reading NewEnglandLady''s threads too. She told her (at the time) BF that it was over, moved to another state, and continued her life. In the meantime, he decided he couldn''t lose her, drove to where she was and proposed. That''s the really abbreviated version.

    Breathe. And thank your lucky stars for having the strength to do what you did. I don''t know that I would be so capable.
     
  9. Octavia
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    by Octavia » Apr 5, 2009
    Katkat, I think you already know that you did what was right for you, or you wouldn't have done it. I don't know you at all, but from your post it sounds like you're level-headed and made the decision rationally. I can't even imagine how much it must hurt, but I'm sure that things will work out for the best, regardless of what happens from here on out.

    Your ex's bait-and-switch was unfair to you, and I would have been furious if put in the same situation. In fact, I probably would have done exactly the same thing you did. If engagement is important to you before moving in together, which it sounds like it is, I'm very glad for your sake that you didn't cave and put his desires ahead of your needs. Respecting yourself is so important, and I'm a firm believer that others will never fully respect you if you don't stand up for the things that are really, truly important to you.

    I'm sending you a big hug, and please don't hesitate to let us know if you need to chat! We're here for you.
     
  10. katkat
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    by katkat » Apr 5, 2009
    WOW, you are all so amazing. In the scope of couple of hours you have responded so generously and honestly. I am 34 and not getting any younger so I have to honor the fact that time is of the essence. I have so much time and energy invested. Yet, it IS true ..if a man loves you he will push all excuses aside. I have gone from bewildered to furious to sad in a matter of hours. Fortunately this all transpired as he is about to embark on a two week business trip in the middle of the sea on a ship so he will have no access to me and I will not cave to weakness either. This timing was intentional on my part and I am hoping to make huge strides in strength in the next two weeks and I will be looking up the threads you have recommended. I think it is only natural to hope and wish he''d come back with a ring but I know it is in my best interest to proceed in figuring out my life without him. This will be one of the most challeging parts but also the most critical to my moving on.

    It all happened very quickl.... He was near missing his flight and operating on very little sleep due to his recent work schedule and he truly seemed surprised by my resolution. He probably thought I would be happy to hear his plan ...or that at best it would "tide" me over. Frankly, it was insulting. I know he loves me ,,,I truly do. But in the end, it just may not have been enough.
     
    


    


  11. mrscushion
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    by mrscushion » Apr 5, 2009
    Welcome to PS, although the circumstances could certainly be better. I am sorry about your breakup. A last minute bait-and-switch like that sounds very bad and would have infuriated me, too. I commend you for staying true to your needs and desires and standing up for yourself. I wish you the best of luck moving forward. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing.
     
  12. EricaR
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    by EricaR » Apr 5, 2009
    I agree with what you said - his "offer" was very insulting especially since you had made your intentions clear. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Luckily for you, if he's out on a ship you won't be able to get to him and that will just make things easier.

    Stay strong, and good luck.
     
  13. choro72
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    by choro72 » Apr 5, 2009
    I admire your strength! I think you did the right thing.
     
  14. Porridge
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    by Porridge » Apr 6, 2009
    It sounds like you saved yourself possibly years of frustration and pain. I think you did the right thing and I really admire how strong you are. I hope you stay with us no matter how all this turns out.
     
  15. dragonfly411
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    by dragonfly411 » Apr 6, 2009
    Kat - I think you did the right thing, and I think you are very strong for sticking to it and not letting him have any compromise. You made it clear to him that you needed this timeline to be followed and he couldn''t do that.

    To me, if he knows he wants to marry you then there should be no doubt, no reason to put it off. I''ve given SO a time frame and plan to stick to it and he needs to as well.

    I wouldn''t say close the door completely, he might learn a few things coming up [​IMG]
     
    


    


  16. justjill
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    by justjill » Apr 6, 2009
    I praise you for standing your ground! Waiting until the deadline day to suggest a change of plans is unacceptable. Stay strong and do what is best for YOU.
     
  17. katkat
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    by katkat » Apr 6, 2009
    Prior to his trip I told him several times in a light way, "You''re eiither leaving with a fiance or an ex girlfriend when you leave for that trip." I said it lightly , but HE KNEW. I joked but there was truth in my jest.He told me he knew I was serious. He told me he wouldn''t break my heart. We had been looking at houses-- He even put an offer on one back in August but his offer got beat out. We talked about pre nups. He called me his wife to be about two weeks ago.
    I guess it was all to keep me hanging on. And it worked. Until about forty eight hours ago.

    I told him I had faith he''d do the right thing about a month ago. My strategy was to believe in him and to stay hopeful. I did not brow beat the sunject to death and I was calm and beyond good to him. In the last month things have been just great....he has wanted to spend even more time around me.

    He had access to a phone all lastight and today. Part of me thought he''d call....but what on earth could he even say?
    Funny, I felt so strong yesterday and already I feel a case of the "What if I did the wrong thing?" coming on. Should I have been SO stern?
    How on earth could I even be remotely curious what is going through his mind when I should be fully furious that he really did pull a bait and switch.
     
  18. SailorsSweet<3
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    by SailorsSweet<3 » Apr 6, 2009



    I think you answered your self doubt in that last sentence. You and your SO both sound like capable individuals and that leads me to believe that he knew what he was coming to the table with could have been a deal breaker - but he did it anyway and expected you to roll over and play nice. I do think thats insulting. I know we only have a little window into your relationship here, but I think everyone agrees that you did the right thing for you at exactly the right time and now its time to see what else is out there. Its been said a lot lately.. and Treasure reiterated it earlier on this post that if a man wants to marry you he will find a way to do so. You could tell he was stalling and you knew you deserved better AND were able to acknowledge that and walk away despite your strong feels for a man you''ve been with for 7 years. Thats very admirable and courageous. I think youre amazing [​IMG] I hope you''ll come back and keep us updated, even if its just to tell us that youre single and happy and dating in a few months.
     
  19. Treasure43
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    by Treasure43 » Apr 6, 2009
    I, also, feel like he know where things stood and thought he could avoid the issue for awhile by asking him to move in with you and I''m so glad you saw through it.

    Your feelings on this are completly normal. You''ve been with him for 7 years and I''m sure that a part of you hoped he''d call and say that he realized what a huge mistake he made and was ready to get married. He didn''t, which again speaks volumes in itself.
    I can''t tell you whether you did the right thing or not but it certianly sounds like you did. Being stern/firm is really the only way to get your message across. It''s natural that you should even feel like you did the wrong thing. After all, you were together fo 7 years and you had a lot invested in him and in the relationship.
    You can be furious at him and also curious what is going through his mind at the same time. It''s a lot to take in and you made a huge decision and stood up for yourself. It takes time to adjust to life without someone. Again, especially after 7 years togehter.

    Again, no one here can tell you what to do but it certinaly sounds like you''ve saved yourself a lot of emotional pain by walking away from him now and again, I think your strength is just AMAZING [​IMG]

    If he really wanted to marry you, I think he would have proposed already. However, this may be the wake-up call he needs. With that said, it''s important you assume he''s NOT coming back and get on with your life and start making YOU happy because you clearly deserve it!
     
  20. Bia
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    by Bia » Apr 6, 2009
    You absolutely did the right thing if you felt, in your heart, that you needed to move on. No man has the right to put your life on hold.

    I wish you the best. Stick around and let us know how it''s going for you. [​IMG]

    And, by the way, Welcome! [​IMG]
     
  21. Winks_Elf
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    by Winks_Elf » Apr 6, 2009
    (((((HUGE HUG!))))

    At risk of sounding condescending, I am so proud of you!!!!

    It is completely normal to have a case of the doubts, and have your emotions range from sad to angry to elation, and every where in between right now. The trip will help you breathe.

    Men would not put up with half the back and forth and broken promises that they give us, and yet have the balls to be shocked when we stand up for ourselves.
     
  22. LaraOnline
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    by LaraOnline » Apr 6, 2009
    Seven years is a long time to be together.
    Sometimes being together day in day out is a good way for people to feel comfortable moving on to something firmer.
    My man and I basically lived together for about three months in the lead up to our engagement.

    But we hadn't been together for very long in any case, and it just happened that we didn't like being apart.
    Although we knew each other for many years, we had really only been romantically involved for a couple of months -and then only in very short visits with each other - prior to me just 'coming for Christmas' and staying....
    Perhaps the constant togetherness made him feel more comfortable more quickly... who knows?

    But generally, I would say that open-ended live-in relationships work much more for meeting the man's needs than they do for the woman's needs.

    Your game, your call.
    Like I said, seven years is a looooooong time!

    Reading your posts, I see that you are really a grown-up. You know what you want. By extrapolation, I would guess that he's a grown-up too. Very much old enough to know what he wants, and to be clear.
    And not only that, you have been completely fair, open and great with your communication!

    Many women who do not stand by their values fall by their 'compromises'.
    I know heaps of women in uncertain situations, and it ain't really a happy sight to see.

    I think you've done a great job all round!
    Back yourself.
     
  23. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Apr 6, 2009
    You know, if you didn''t have doubts about if you had done the right thing after seven long years and wanting to marry this man, I would think something was wrong with you. It''s totally natural to have doubts. You''d have to be superwoman to not doubt it.

    Hugs. I can''t help but to admire your strength.
     
  24. Deelight
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    by Deelight » Apr 6, 2009
    Congrats on putting yourself and your needs first and for having the courage to take that really hard step - I wish you nothing but happiness in the future :).

    *hugs*
     
  25. princesss
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    by princesss » Apr 6, 2009
    It sounds to me like you did EXACTLY the right thing. You know what you want, and he couldn''t/wouldn''t/was too scared to give it to you.

    Good for you for taking care of yourself.

    (Also, ditto Freke about the doubts.)
     
  26. Bliss
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    by Bliss » Apr 6, 2009
    When you follow your heart and fearlessly do what you feel is right -- the world will make way for you and you will always go to a better and happier place. I truly believe that.

    I also think that you have further confirmation that you did the right thing because he didn''t call. The silence speaks volumes. If a man truly was going to marry a woman and she left him because he couldn''t commit, he would be calling you. He''d be calling your friends, explaining himself to your family and doing everything to make it right. The fact that he is just letting you slip away, shocked or not, is along the same lines of what he was doing before -- passively letting you go.

    You deserve a man who wants to marry you and is excited about spending the rest of his life with you. You are strong and you know what you want. I am very hopeful and confident you will find it and be in a much much happier place when the time is right. (HUG)
     
  27. purrfectpear
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    by purrfectpear » Apr 6, 2009
    Thank you lord, apparently there are still some women with self respect !!![​IMG]
     
  28. tlh
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    by tlh » Apr 6, 2009
    You wanted a husband not a roommate. How strong a woman you are to remain firm. I hope that while he is away he comes to realize that he cannot live without you. 7 years with ups and downs - is long enough to know whether or not you want to be with someone.

    HUGS! I wish you the best... and this is a wonderfully supportive group of gals if you need it!
     
  29. Pushin40
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    by Pushin40 » Apr 6, 2009
    Do you lvoe him and do you want to be with him? Only YOU know what YOU truly want.

    I just hope your intent is not to manipulate him into a proposal. If it is, breaking up with him is pretty risky.
     
  30. purrfectpear
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    by purrfectpear » Apr 6, 2009
    I think she wants to be with someone who is a man of his word. Clearly she does know what she wants. The only risk to breaking up is that HE might lose out on the woman of his dreams. She has no reason to settle. If he comes to his senses then he deserves her. If he doesn''t she''s much, much better off.
     
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