:-( He cheated.

[Indylady]

Writing usually helps me.

When I'm in a bind, I'll write out my problem, and then read it out to myself as if my best friend was telling me. What advice would I give her? Somehow, I'm more prone to making a rational choice that looks out in my best interest when I use this method.

Or, I'll write out my insecurities, and then tear them up and toss them piece by piece. It works for me.

Some people exercise to let it out; that doesn't work for me so well, but its worth a shot.

And getting out. When I'm bummed, its easy for me to hang around my apartment and deal with it alone. I'll cancel plans, won't answer the phone..but that's no good and doesn't change the way I'm feeling. Its always better if I have a chance to go out, even if its by myself.

I also like seeing change. So, cleaning, planning, putting up a calender, setting goals..I like doing those things because it makes me feel proactive about my life. Its worth a shot as well.

Parsley, lots and lots of hugs for you. Please take care of yourself!

 

[Nashville]

My 19 year old self wasted 4 years of my life with someone who cheated. I let him back in over and over, and over. I isolated my friends and family through this. I stayed up at night wondering what I had done wrong, what was so wrong with me that he didn't want me. I tried to mold myself into being the perfect person for him so he wouldn't cheat.

You know how THAT story ended. I got real with myself. At first it was like withdrawing from a drug. I couldn't eat or sleep, I lived on a diet of coffee and cigarettes. I nearly flunked out of school. I was so young yet I felt like my life was over, that all meaning was dead for me. I contemplated jumping off a bridge to make HIM feel bad! Can you believe that????? All over a guy who wasn't worth ANYTHING! Who laughed in my face while I was crying and who days after I left for good was out and about with the girl who sat across from me at work.

My 30 year old self is of course, mortified by this period in my life. It took about a year for me to fully "get over it" to the point where happy was normal, and not fleeting. A man who cheats on you is not your "best friend." He's not even a friend. He's a selfish, yes SELFISH excuse for me man, who is too immature to say "I am interested in someone else. I plan on perusing things with this other person. We need to end our relationship." He will ride it out because 2 girls vying for his attention stokes his ego and makes him feel like a player, when in reality he's just a little boy who has mastered the art of manipulation to get what he wants.

My husband now actually is my best friend. The difference between the man I was ready to kill myself over and the man I have now is astounding. My husband was there holding my hand and whispering "I love you, I love you" during the birth of our child. My husband now moved across the country so I could be closer to my family (HIS idea!). I'm not constantly sick over where he's going, what he's doing and if he'll call. And if I hadn't gotten to live through what I definitely DON'T want, I never would have appreciated how awesome my life partner is.

My ex went on to get engaged and was caught cheating on his finace. No one was surprised, he's a very pathetic person.

 

[junebug17]

Parsley, if I were you I would print out Nashville's post and read it every time you are at an especially low point to remind yourself that even though it feels like your life is over and you will never be happy again, the truth is that you WILL eventually feel better and experience happiness again. You are going to get through this, I promise that you will recover from this experience. You've got to hang in there sweetie, and give yourself some time to bounce back. It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen. You have so much life left to live...with time, the pain of this experience will fade, you just have to plug through this rough time. You'll make it through.

I hope you pursue counseling, I really think it will help. And I think it would be a good idea, for those times when you're by yourself in your apartment, to get out and do something. Anything...go window-shopping, get a coffee and sit on a bench and people-watch, browse around a bookstore, call a friend and go out for a bite to eat...go for a walk...anything to distract you and put you among people so you don't feel so alone.

Maybe take a class to learn a hobby...I do decorative painting, and it's a wonderful escape from the real world for me.

Big hugs to you Parsley, my heart goes out to you...I know you are in a lot of pain right now, but I swear you will make it through this.

 

[Porridge]

Fabulous posts IndyLady and Nashville.

I don't have much to add but we're here for you Parsley. He doesn't deserve your time and you will realise that someday. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

[RhubarbPie]

Hey Parsley -

Just checking in with you to let you know I'm still thinking about you. I agree with everyone as far as getting a hobby that you can kind of dedicate yourself to for awhile. I'm not good about developing coping skills - I wallow, but I do think that getting a hobby is a really good idea.

I hope youre hanging in there!!

 

[nicoleben]

My 19 year old self wasted 4 years of my life with someone who cheated. I let him back in over and over, and over. I isolated my friends and family through this. I stayed up at night wondering what I had done wrong, what was so wrong with me that he didn't want me. I tried to mold myself into being the perfect person for him so he wouldn't cheat.

You know how THAT story ended. I got real with myself. At first it was like withdrawing from a drug. I couldn't eat or sleep, I lived on a diet of coffee and cigarettes. I nearly flunked out of school. I was so young yet I felt like my life was over, that all meaning was dead for me. I contemplated jumping off a bridge to make HIM feel bad! Can you believe that????? All over a guy who wasn't worth ANYTHING! Who laughed in my face while I was crying and who days after I left for good was out and about with the girl who sat across from me at work.

My 30 year old self is of course, mortified by this period in my life. It took about a year for me to fully "get over it" to the point where happy was normal, and not fleeting. A man who cheats on you is not your "best friend." He's not even a friend. He's a selfish, yes SELFISH excuse for me man, who is too immature to say "I am interested in someone else. I plan on perusing things with this other person. We need to end our relationship." He will ride it out because 2 girls vying for his attention stokes his ego and makes him feel like a player, when in reality he's just a little boy who has mastered the art of manipulation to get what he wants.

My husband now actually is my best friend. The difference between the man I was ready to kill myself over and the man I have now is astounding. My husband was there holding my hand and whispering "I love you, I love you" during the birth of our child. My husband now moved across the country so I could be closer to my family (HIS idea!). I'm not constantly sick over where he's going, what he's doing and if he'll call. And if I hadn't gotten to live through what I definitely DON'T want, I never would have appreciated how awesome my life partner is.

My ex went on to get engaged and was caught cheating on his finace. No one was surprised, he's a very pathetic person.

I was in the same exact position from age 15-22.. he cheated about hmmm 10 times and i took him back everytime, silly me! I finally got to the point where i was tired of cleaning the house, making dinner for him every night, while he did what he wanted and took advantage of me, while he was having the time of his life getting down with other girls who showed him attention as well. Can you beleive that he said to me, "but your the one that lives with me, your the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. They dont live here, your who i come home to!" and i took him back, that was pathetic. I have also wanted to end my life just to make him FEEL BAD! By the time i was 22, i was off and enjoying my single life. I wasnt looking for anyone, and I found the man of my dreams! and he was in my life All Along! Its funny how your right for some people, but just not right now. I love my boyfriend dearly and i would never question him cheating on me or going behind my back to do anything. We do everything equally, he cleans, i clean, he does dishes, i do dishes, he makes dinner then i make dinner, I Love it! and i couldnt be more happy!

Just remember sweetie that any guy who is going to cheat on you is not worth anymore of your time. Thats not your best friend. No one in their right mind deserves to be treated like that. Even if it is "just once" which from your post it looks like it was going on for a while! I cant say that your feelings are wrong, ive been there, but i know from experience, the time wasted is precious time you can never get back... But advice that i would give, it take this as something you can learn from. I hate my ex, but i do appreciate that he has molded me into who i am today. To learn to not take anyones crap! and do everything i can to focus on myself! Good luck!

 

[oddoneout]

I find that writing in a journal gets nagging thoughts out of my head and onto the page. I eventually stop obsessing over the thoughts. Time helps too.

 

[Parsley]

Hey girls,

Thought I'd let you know that I've been a lot better recently, and have even had some amusing things happen in relation!

First, my aunt and uncle visited this weekend, and I don't see them much. My uncle is not one for tact, and doesn't really get young people. When they arrived my aunt came in and gave me an extra big hug, and then he came in and hugged me and said "Sorry your life fell apart, you getting over it?" LOL. He turned away pretty quick, and I swear I was stood there looking round to see if anyone else had heard it. I told my sister and we were killing ourselves laughing, and my brother in law was just going :-O What? Seriously?!

Also, my friends convinced me to put up a profile on a dating site, purely as a bit of a confidence booster. DW, I'm giving myself plenty of time to get over this, and have stipulated I'm just looking for friends and am responding as such to people who contact me. One such guy didn't really like this though, and did a usual "Oh well, good thing too, I usually go for someone with a more slender figure. No offence." I have managed to maintain a sense of humour at least, and find it amusing the way some people kick out at rejection with insults. A few years ago I turned someone else down and they told me I needed help

I think I've turned a corner somewhere. I still get sad, and still miss the person that no longer exists, but it's not as bad. Seeing that I am getting people who think I'm worth talking to on the site has helped, my self esteem had been dropping for months anyway, and then plummeted after all this. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things, e.g. my appetite has disappeared, I haven't enjoyed food since it happened. However, I needed to lose weight anyway, and I have. I know that it's not the best way I could have asked for, but I think I have to make it be a good thing, otherwise it will be a bad thing and I can't do anymore bad things. I also used to comfort eat like a maniac, but I haven't at all over this whole thing, and I'm hoping it has broken a habit.

I was even able to look at BWW today. I had wanted to for so long but couldn't do it, but today I found that I could. I couldn't stay on it for long, but baby steps, right?

xxx

 

[yssie]

 

[oddoneout]

I'm glad things are slowly getting better.

 

[miraclesrule]

Oh Parsley....

First of all.... ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((parsley )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))<------bigass hugs.

Second...::::heavy sigh::::: Reading this thread has been so heartbreaking as well as a form of validation to the raw emotion of being human. You're so courageous, Parsley, to share your raw emotions as they occurred. I loved that you didn't feel a need to defend yourself and you deliberated throughout this entire Molotov cocktail that was thrown at the door of your heart. I would been saying the same damn thing as Freke (um, except I wasn't a cheater ;-0), but I know that nothing we say at this point can speed up a process. Dealing with your situation will be a process....

I'm glad that you found out he is not who you want. Close your eyes....take a really deep breath (bending your back as you do this).....Smile......and prepare for the next chapter. You'll need to do this a LOT to bring you back to the present moment. Fight for it....you're worth it.

 

[nararabbit]

Hi Parsley!

I just wanted to drop in and say hello. I am new to PS so pardon if I am an intruder.

I went through the same thing 5 years ago with the man I thought I would marry. Worse, he was a professional athlete (sigh), very handsome, with a heavy, lovely foreign accent that all the ladies loved. Of course. LOL!

When things fell apart I had already moved thousands of miles to be with him - UGH! It's bad enough going through something like that (he also cheated, multiple times, a la tiger woods), but to be away from your entire support network was horrible. On top of that, i had gotten a bit high on myself for being with someone like him, so to eat crow and come home with my tail between my legs was more than a little humiliating.

I dealt with it by looking at it as the person I had loved and trusted had literally died. Was no more. You can't talk or text with a dead person, so that made it a little easier. That and throwing all of his )@($*@ off the balcony. (Not that I recommend that...!)

Now I married to a man I adore, who isn't nearly so "exciting" in the traditional sense, but loves me unconditionally, actually likes that I've put on 20 lbs since we got married (more to squeeze, he says!), always eats my cooking, does his fair share of cleaning and always calls and texts to tell he he loves me!

I think several other posters have it right - you have to go through this to see what you DON'T want for yourself! Not only that, your standards for yourself will be higher to avoid such a situation again, and you will truly cherish and appreciate the good guy you meet next.

XO and stay strong,

Nara

P.S. These days I am able to recall the good memories and enjoy them without feeling any pain at all. I never thought that would be the case, but it is. So don't mourn those memories, you'll get around to them again someday, when you feel like.